I hope that the title of this post didn’t alarm any of our readers. Linda and I are not getting a divorce – far from it – but her brother is. In fact it should be final at the beginning of next month.
For our newer readers who may not know, Linda’s brother, Jeff, had an affair, stopped it to work on his marriage, but that didn’t end up working out. (If you want to read some more about it, you can click here.)
Linda spoke to her brother last night, as he is coming into town and wanted to meet up with us, and naturally the conversation progressed into one about his situation. And a messy situation it is. Not so much because of the divorce being nasty or hateful in anyway. In fact, from what I’ve heard and seen, it has been somewhat amicable. A couple of the kids however, are taking it hard and hold a great deal of resentment and anger towards their father at the moment.
Jeff stated that he needs to “simplify” his life. We’re not quite sure what that all entails, but from our perspective it seems that after the affair it means that he needed to exit a marriage that he emotionally had checked out of some time ago, buy a smaller home (for he and the other woman) and cut back his financial support to his mid-twenties aged children. He also had to simplify his life by forfeiting a significant percentage of his substantial assets as part of the divorce settlement.
Whenever Linda talks with Jeff and the subject of his divorce and all of the related issues comes up, she gets pissed off. But when she and I discussed it this morning, she said that she doesn’t really know why it upsets her so much. But it does.
Let’s face it…Linda has a unique perspective on the whole situation having suffered through my emotional affair, and whenever she hears of any infidelity – not just her brother’s – it upsets her.
Linda never really got along that great with her sister in law, so we don’t think it’s because of the divorce so much as it is how it happened. She sees the affect it has had on her nieces and nephew. She sees the “affair fog” that her brother has been living in for the last 2 years. She wonders what will happen when Jeff really emerges from that fog. She wonders if he will regret his actions. She wonders what will happen to the family. She wonders about a lot of things.
Everyone involved in this whole mess will survive from a financial standpoint without any problems. There will be plenty of money, homes and furniture to go around. But will everyone involved survive emotionally, or will this leave long-lasting, significantly damaging and hard to heal wounds? I guess time will tell.
21 replies to "The Divorce is Almost Final"
We wonder quite a bit about the things we don’t have any control over. Aren’t we wasting our time. Are we just preparing ourselves for the “what would I do?”.
Others mistakes are always a good lesson learned.
I’m a over thinker. I plan and plan before ever taking action and am usually pleased. But it usually take longer to get it done. I know people who just do and later are left with either just what they wanted, no more. Or wind up unhappy with the results and waste time and money doing it again. That or they wind up living with the results.
It will be a lesson learned if this divorce does not get him the result he was looking for when things settle in. That or maybe it will be more than he ever wanted. It may be what he needs.
Yes, what he did was wrong. Went about it in a chicken shit way. All cheaters are acting in cowardly ways. They hide an lie because they don’t want to get caught.
Its selfish, Self centered and cowardly.
We’re all selfish.
I didn’t want my wife to leave because I didn’t want to deal with how it would affect me. Not because I wanted her to be happy. She stayed because how it would affect her, not because she wanted me to be happy.
When we decide not to give our spouse what they need, because we,re selfish, they go find what they need, Because they are selfish.
It normal. Is it human nature. Is it nurture. Is it society that teaches us to be selfish. Or is it in our blood. Who knows, but we are.
Being the person cheated on, I can understand the anger that arises when I hear of other’s infidelity too. Sometimes a marriage does not work. I think many times they can, but one party emotionally checks out, looking for greener pastures. it takes two to marry, but only one to divorce.
The manner in which the dissolution happens though is very important. The most insulting and contempt filled way to end it is via affair (IMHO). My wife had an affair, we reconciled, she told me she was sorry and that she was grateful that I was by her side to hold her hand and be with her…and then 4 yrs later she went back to him. I am now in the middle of a divorce. Never where I wanted to be.
When I hear of infidelity in someone else’s relationship I get downright angry. So, I completely understand where Linda may be coming from.
Peace to you both
I feel you, brother.
Linda, I totally understand your anger about the affair, and it certainly wasn’t the way out of his marriage, he should have been a man about it, and left before engaging with someone else. However, that said, I hope he is happy, an unhappy marriage is soul destroying, and maybe this new woman is “the one” for him. I have two friends happily married to their affair partners, both to older men, and I am also annoyed that this was the way they started their relationships, but they are all happier now than they were before, and I totally feel for their husband’s first wives, neither of whom I know. However, I have seen a lot of people, mostly men, over the years, jump from one relationship to the next without any time to themselves, and I think it shows a character flaw. I am very comfortable with my own company, I don’t need to be coupled up to live my life to the full, and I think everyone owes it to themselves to be on their own for a while to process what has happened fully. Good luck to your brother, I hope his children eventually come to have an understanding of his unhappiness and are able to forgive him, as they will need to to move forward. I have a gay dad who had to leave my parents’ marriage, (about a year after my mother discovered this, she asked him to leave) and I was not angry at him for being gay, he couldn’t help that, and I was not angry that he didn’t know he was gay when he married my mum. I was just so very sad that my mum was so hurt, but we all forgave him for doing so, including my mum.
I too get angry when I hear about it. I get angry because of what it does to so many people and I get angry at the two people in the infidelity (whatever form it is) because it’s truly so selfish and destructive.
This might sound juvenile but I’ve always had a “crush” on Dr. J. I’ve always thought he was quite handsome and would sometimes imagine if I’d ever meet him I could get a photo with him for bragging rights, nothing more, just a harmless crush I’ve had on him for eons.
I just recently realized he had TWO children from two adulterous relationships while married to his ex-wife. The first one they got past and stayed married while the second adultery and child did not. He ended up marrying this woman and had two more children with her. I told my husband if I met him after knowing this info I would walk away. Totally lost all credibility in my eyes now. Crush is officially DEAD. I realize that’s not entirely fair since my husband was in an adulterous relationship but I feel like in this case Dr. J made TWO very painful mistakes that must have caused DOUBLE the pain to his wife. Two kids? Really? That’s an even harder blow than just the adultery. UGH!!!!
Oh, I forgot to ask in my previous post. Linda, is your brother still with the first OP or is he with a new one? Why weren’t things salvageable? Do you know?
Kris, Yes he is with the original OP. I think the main reason things were not salvageable was because he was still in contact with the OP and he was working and living 8 hours away from his home 5 out of the 7 days a week. Also, my sister in law has some of her own issues that she refused to get help with which didn’t help matters. It’s a sad situation and I feel by brother is making a mistake. Not so much the divorce, but staying with the OP. Plus all that it is doing to his kids. Thanks for your concern. Linda
Sorry to hear that. I have a personal motive in asking as I always want to prove to people that a relationship that starts out with infidelity as the foundation doesn’t have a strong foundation and won’t last. My Dad left his family for an adulterous relationship. He later (after multiple break ups and other women) married her. I believe because she hung on and saw him as a ticket out of her lifestyle. They’re still married to this day but their marriage is far from any marriage anyone would want to have themselves. My dad can be a bit of an @sshole, very distant and non-communicative and does not express appreciation or say positive remarks. He is what I call “socially awkward” and their marriage is a direct reflection of that. My step-mom is a nice person in general although I will never forget her part in the breakdown of my family and I’m sure people look at her and my dad together and think “this poor woman, how sad she has this @ss of a husband” but I always think, “well you reap what you sow”. She wanted him at any cost and she got him. What she got in the end doesn’t seem worth it if you ask me.
Any talk of seperation, divorce or hint of problems in a relationship bothers me. And sincle my H is going through his midlife crisis mention of this bothers me too. Why do people automatically associate an affair with men going through a midlife crisis? There just seems to be way too much talk of this lately in my life. Maybe it is just our age and fact that I am more sensitive to it right now.
My blood boils when I see affairs or some type of flirtatous behavior that is outside of the marriage….either in real life or on TV…..Even when I see two people that are not married to each other meeting for coffee…..joking, flirting….and I wonder if this is the beginning of an affair or mid point…meeting each other for a clandestine adventure ……”innocently” at the coffee shop…it infuriates me. I guess it just gives me a glimpse of what it might have been like with my husband and the OW….how those first meetings were…for coffee. then dinner…dinner and a movie…then off to for a weekend away for their PA. I want to walk over to these people and tell them…I hope you aren’t starting something you’ll get involved in before you know it and hurt your loved ones. It can happen before you know what truly what is happening. Your emotions start to spark..the other person is flirtatous, giddy and they seem to see you differently than your spouse. The dopamine and hormones begin to stir, and the next thing you know is your hiding information from your spouse and are getting more and more involved with this new person. Divorce is sad…and my heart goes out to your sister in law. Your brother is a coward and running from his own character defects.
Hello. I discovered this blog in May and have been lurking in the background till now. I tried to take the advice given here and apply it to my situation (wife has cheated). I discovered and confronted the wife about her EA in May. The past 3 months have been a one-sided effort by me to save the marriage. Last week, I discovered the wife has actively thrown herself more into the EA. She had bought sexy lingerie to wear (for the OP, definitely not me). I have decided to call it quits. I moved out and will soon petition for a divorce. Like Lookingforbuddhaagain, I’m afraid my wife will stray again even after reconciliation. It may be over for me, but I hope everyone else has better success than I did.
I don’t get angry or feel sad when I see it happening anymore. I just am glad I’m not in there shoes. Cheaters was on he other night and I watched it for a while. My wife just turned around and went to sleep. It was kind fun to see the cheaters get embarrassed on tv. My best friend says he still avoids those kind of shows and movies because he feels uncomfortable when there on. Or his wife will ask thing like “is that how you guys act, just for a piece of @$$” She has had to deal with him cheating more than once. But on the flip note… She has cheated on him as well. But it seems to be always about his mistakes. Not defending him, but boy have issues.
I’m having a bad day. I’m starting to believe that my marriage really is over. He has given me nothing in these two months to believe he has the passion or desire to stay married to me, other than the fact that he is still in the house and sleeps in our bed. I think he must be in the “fog”, or maybe, like he’s told me, I’ve destroyed any feelings of love he had for me. He felt like I didn’t care what happened to him and that I wasn’t giving him enough affection. Over time he just went numb. Although I believe that’s what he feels, I don’t feel like it is an accurate portrayal of our last several years together. Has my life been a lie? Recently, he said that making love to me is just sex now and we can’t let it happen any more. He’s sad that he hasn’t seen the EA/PA in several weeks, although he’s going away this weekend with the “guys”. I’m so upset! We still go out to dinner and see concerts, etc. and he says he enjoys my company. In fact, suggested we go to NYC to watch a US Open tennis match. It’s so confusing. I have good days when I feel strong, that I can handle whatever he throws my way. I have good days when I feel as though he acts like the guy I married; kind, loving and caring. Then I have these horrible days when he asks me if I want him to move out, tell the children and the rest of our family that we’re done. I told him I’m worn down, if our family doesn’t make him happy, then get out. He says that while he’s still in the house there is a CHANCE we can work it out. Any comforting words?
Hi Sad Mad Wife, I’m sorry that you are having a bad day. There certainly will be both good and bad days as you try to recover from this. But I can tell you that 2 months is such a short time for you to expect anything drastic to happen. Be happy that there has been no contact with the OP and that he enjoys being with you. He also needs to put forth some effort to work things out, and it seems that he is willing to try. It sounds as though you are progressing nicely but you are expecting things to happen a little too fast – which is completely natural. Stay Strong!
Linda
Thank you. I feel as I am going crazy. We’ve been married for 21 years. I’ve been mad, disappointed and hurt, but I never stopped loving him. I feel so guilty that I didn’t show him how much and now it may be too late. Thank you again, your words have lessened the sick feeling I have in my heart – I’m sure I’m too impatient. I know mentally that it’s going to be challenging, at best, to find our way back to each other. But my heart wants to sing now.
I too get angry when television or the movies downplay EAs. I wish someone would tell these people this isn’t sexy, it isn’t funny and it certainly isn’t something anyone would want to deal with.
I feel sorry for you Linda having to sit and watch this drama with your brother. I know he is your brother and all but I would sincerely put down some boundaries about his “new life.” If anything upsets you, then he needs to know that it does, i.e. the OP is not someone you want to be around because it is a trigger. As we all know triggers are devastating. I have a friend that I have had to limit about what she discusses because her husband is having an EA and she ignores it except to complain. I had to tell her that talking about anything concerning her husband is off limits because she won’t help herself. Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves and let others do whatever they want without involving us. I am only responsible for me, no one else. So if your brother is doing something stupid – let him, just don’t let it bog you down!
I am so glad i found this link now i know i’m not crazy afterall. Its been now three months of hell at home although i discovered my husband affair 2 months ago. Initially things were terrible he would go out everyday and come home late at night, having eaten and smelling of a strange perfume. Any form of confrontation would turn into a fight i was so emotionally drained and i felt like my world was falling apart. Out of the blues he started compalining of our bad marriage he even said that he’s not sure whether he married me out of love or out of lust??? My once mature, understanding, loving, & God fearing husband has turned into a withdrawn, lying and an angry man. I identified this as type 2 affair dead on target..can’t say no..and since then i have tried using charging neutral and problemise ..so far this two methods have worked wonders. Shifting focus to me and taking back the power i had initially given him has really helped me feel strong and now the ‘ships’ direction is turning slowly but surely. He still woun’t confess to an affair although i have confronted him with facts now i choose to speak very strongly with my actions since verbal communications is not working. The main problem is that my husband has become very controlling he is trying to ‘kill’ my new found freedom and independence by placing so many restrictions in my life.
Hi my husband had an affair for9 years on and off.I thought it
was over 7 years ago but it always continued.Now we are in a
middle of a divorce.I am taking hard its been an adjustment
because be have been married for 27 years and we have two
girls who are now 23, and 21 years old. I need to learn to do
things for myself to move on. It been really hard. Please recommend ideas .
thanks
My heart goes out to you. He obviously has some serious character flaws and so does the OP….how desparate for her to hand on to a married man as second fiddle for 16 years!!! Both of them are sick…but that’s not what you want to hear, you are devastated and I am so sorry for your pain and that this man was so callous and unfeeling that he would jeopardize your marriage for some piece on the side. I too am going through a divorce. My husband said all the right words……words actually I had never really heard all these years of our 35 years being together…5 dating years and 30 years married. But I couldn’t let go of the affairs, the last being a EA/PA, although he had some other sexual encounters and pursuits that didn’t pan out…..I was there for him. He didn’t want to work on reading anything about affairs or trust. His solution was to forgive and never mention it again…..I needed to talk about building trust and the almost 3 years since the affair has taken it’s toll……even though we were really relating better than we ever had, talking about the affair all the time because I couldn’t let go….became an obsession with me and we were arguing about forgiveness vs. talking it out. My self esteem was in the gutter always comparing myself to the other women…especially the last affair that he was so emotionally invested. Off to the psychologist to work on my issues and pain now……but I the fear of abandonment is really hard right now because I still love him, but I have to work on me to LOVE me even more!! He’s moved on easily for some reason, but it’s probably because he never really made an effort towards the marriage and so little invested makes it easy to leave. Keep reading this website, I do even though my marriage is over, I want to understand his part and my part. I need to HEAL!!!
I am at the end of a 4 year emotional affair that turned into a full blown affair two years ago by my husband of 33 years. One year of going through a divorce that I never wanted and he would not file for. The emotional roller coaster he had me on for over two years has eased to a sense of peace. What he did he felt.he needed…he.lost a beautiful home, the repsect.of many, including his two sons all for someone who ” made him feel better” she was married also. The thing is, I think I needed this. I miss him terribly and would never hurt him as he did me. But, I think I am now the.lucky one…I have lost nothing in my life but him and have gained so much personally. I am convinced he is not.anymore happy now then when he decided he could no longer tolerate me. I tried to save my marriage, however looking back I am not fully sure why. I have my days, but I am determined to build a.life I want and hopefully find someone who will “tolerate” all I am, good and bad….don’t despair, life goes on…and you can get through
Paula, that is awesome that you’ve been able to find peace and be in a good place despite of the betrayal. Thanks for sharing!