infidelity can be deadlyWe’ve mentioned in the past that infidelity can be deadly.  One of Doug’s friends recently shared a story with us that unfortunately demonstrated this.

One of Doug’s best friends from high school was recently named the head football coach at their alma mater, and to show support, several of his high school buddies decided to go back to their hometown to attend the game.  Doug asked me to go with him so I tagged along.

During the game we mingled about the stands and talked with several of his friends, many of whom he hasn’t seen for 10-15 years or more.  I’ve met several of them before, including one guy, let’s call him Dave, who we actually went to college with for a semester or two before he transferred to another school. (I think he flunked out.)

The three of us were talking and catching up on the last several years and Doug asked Dave how his family had been doing.  He mentioned that they were OK for the most part but that his dad wasn’t doing too well from a health standpoint and his brother had died several years ago.

Doug questioned him further about his brother’s death and he wound up telling us the unbelievable story of how it happened.

It seems that Dave’s brother was having an affair with a woman and they were meeting at a hotel in town.  While walking into the hotel, a friend of the woman’s husband sees them and calls the husband.  The husband is not close by so he asks the friend to follow them to see what was going on.

The friend sees them go into a room and then starts pounding on the door raising some commotion to the extent that the hotel felt compelled to call the police.  The police show up and sends the friend on his way.

Dave’s brother leaves the hotel as well, goes home and shoots himself in the head.  He left a wife and three children. 

Dave said that his brother had never done anything like that before and it was very uncharacteristic of him.  He said his brother didn’t realize that couples can get past infidelity and was apparently so ashamed and guilt ridden that he thought the only way out was to take his own life.

To top it off, Dave’s brother was supposed to donate a kidney to his father but since his brother killed himself, Dave donated the kidney instead.  So his life was forever changed in more ways than one as a result of infidelity.

I did a quick search in an attempt to find statistics for deaths related to infidelity but struck out, but I’m guessing when you factor in deaths as a result of AIDS/HIV, murder, suicide, etc., I’m thinking the rate could be higher than most of us ever imagined.

It’s a terrible subject to talk about but one that we feel should be addressed and raise awareness of.  Most of those people who are unfaithful never consider the consequences of their actions and I’m certain never feel that those actions could potentially be deadly.

I’m not going to pose any specific questions for our discussion regarding this topic.  Perhaps we can just discuss personal experiences, thoughts or opinions on this issue instead.

Please respond to one another in the comment section below.

Thank you!

Linda & Doug

 

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    59 replies to "Discussion – Infidelity Can be Deadly"

    • gizfield

      I am so glad to see you guys doing a post on this because I think it’s a very important issue. I researched it too, and didn’t have a huge amount of luck with the statistics. I do remember seeing a detective on televisionsaying a large number of murders involve infidelity. Another thing I heard that was interesting is that you are more like ly to be convicted of a crime if it is found out that you are an adulterer. I do know I actually avoided trying to catch my husband in the act cause I was afraid of what might happen. Based on the nasty nature of his skank and my temper, it probably would have gotten pretty ugly real fast.

      • Doug

        If you’ve ever watched the show “Cheaters” you know that the potential for violence is pretty high. You know that if they weren’t on a show, some of those people would be carrying guns when they confront the cheaters.

    • chiffchaff

      that’s a very disturbing story. A deadly consequence of affairs would also be something that’s raised in comments a fair amount which is exposure to STDs for the BS (and the CS). Not just HIV but also HPV, which is the primary causative agent of cervical cancer. I know my H thought there was nothing wrong in using condoms with the OW and then coming home to me, because condoms are all you need.
      I can also clearly recall on the day I discovered the first BBM between my H and the OW we had to drive home. I was in such immediate shock and distress that I considered just opening the passenger door and letting myself fall out while my H was driving at 80mph down the motorway (while he was mid rant about how it was all my fault). I was glad that my sister was able to pick up my call.

      • Doug

        Chiff, You bring up a good point there. I wasn’t aware that HPV was the primary causative agent for cervical cancer. OK…new acronym alert…what is a BBM?

        • exercisegrace

          Doug, they have been studying this more and more in recent years because hpv is transmitted SO easily. It just takes skin contact, so wearing a condom is not protection. And if you pardon the tmi, few people use protection at all when engaging in oral sex, and hpv can lead to throat cancer, although cervical cancer is by far more common. I read a statistic somewhere that said that a woman in her thirties who has had over three partners has an 80% chance of contracting this disease. My husband’s skank has it. Now I am being tested and monitored for it. To say I am sickened is the understatement of the year.

          • Doug

            Wow, I had no idea. Thanks for sharing that as I’m sure I’m not the only one that didn’t know this stuff.

          • tryinghard

            I think Michael Douglas is claiming his throat cancer came from HPV.

            • Exercise grace

              It very well could have.

        • chiffchaff

          Blackberry messenger service, a free between Blackberry users instant messenger. it’s how my H managed to have contact with her in my presence without my knowledge. He wouldn’t let me change my phone to a Blackberry.

          • Doug

            Oh, ok. I thought it was another infidelity related acronym like ball-busting-mistress or something like that! 😉

        • chiffchaff

          My mum died of cervical cancer as a result of HPV at 57. it’s very close to home.

      • exercisegrace

        Chiff, this is an excellent comment. I recently found out that my husband’s parasite has hpv. I am sick about it. Up to his affair, we had been each others’ first and only. So chance of catching a venereal disease? ZERO. Now? Pretty high.

        • Strengthrequired

          I just wanted to add, I’m really sorry eg, it just isn’t fair. I hope all turns out well for you. I truly do.

          • Exercise grace

            Thanks friend. The support of everyone here has meant the world.

    • Strengthrequired

      I would never have put it past my h ow to try and do something to me, she has a pretty big screw that’s loose, and was definately wanted my h right or wrong and was showing signs of doing anything to get what she wanted. Even using his name, our family name as her own.
      I can’t answer private calls, or phone numbers I don’t know, I get anxious answering the door, especially knowing how we have had people come to where we live and ask others if they could tell them if we live here, of course they wouldn’t tell them, however my h did tell his skank which suburb we moved to.
      I moved away because I couldn’t take her knowing where we were living, and knowing that I could run into her anywhere. I needed my sanity, and thank goodness I feel like I have it now, I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t.
      I actually wanted to admit myself into hospital for severe depression, because I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted someone to help me numb the pain.
      It hasn’t helped though knowing skank knows where we are, yet I’m not sure if she knows our actual address yet.
      I feel like I did run away, but it was the only way I thought I could regain my sanity.
      My h and I were talking earlier today, on how we just don’t trust anyone anymore. Hopefully one day, our attitude will change and we will find people worthy of our trust.
      So sadly I agree with this post because you just don’t know the type of person your going to let into your life that can literally ruin it, and could possibly hurt this you love or the pain can become to much for those involved and a life could be lost at their own hand.

      • Doug

        One aspect that Linda did not really touch on, though Chiff did a bit, is the potential reactions by the betrayed from the standpoint of being so distraught and in pain that they might do something to harm themselves.

        • Strengthrequired

          Doug I was so distraught that I would hit my head with my hands, I don’t remember this but my h told me also how I would hit my chest as well. Strange I dont remember that.
          I just wanted all the images of her out of my head, I wanted her out of my mind. Each time my h lied it was worse, where after 10 months of hesitating taking the pills the dr prescribed, I did on occasion, but I was also worried that suicidal thoughts would come into my mind with the antidepressants.
          I ended telling my h and spoke with my dr, in how I could go about admitting myself into hospital for help. Apparently I couldn’t, so my next best thing was to move, I wanted to move so far away, but 1 hr and a half was my next best thing.
          You know what got me more than anything? My h saw me do these things to myself, saw me get worse, yet he kept the contact with her, he was more worried about her telling him she was on anti depressants, yet it came out she wasn’t, yet he didn’t want her on them, yet he would tell me to take them.
          That was while he was still in his fog. I wonder how I get past that.
          He watched me go down hill, yet he kept helping her over the price of me.
          I’m so glad he agreed to move for my sake. Otherwise I would have left him so I could heal.

          • exercisegrace

            SR, it is sooooo hard to look back and think about our pain and suffering. They just were not in their right mind. I guess we have to just look at it as we were dealing with crazy people.

            I envy your ability to move and have a that fresh start.

            • Strengthrequired

              Thank you EG, the only problem is he is still down there mist nights and days right now. It was a price to pay, we also had ti leave our two eldest down there for school and work. Thankfully my second oldest will be with me again soon.
              They definately weren’t in their right mind that’s for sure, my h would never have behaved like that if he had his wits about him.
              I’m feel so much more at peace now, even though my h and I are apart often.

    • exercisegrace

      This is a very good topic. My husband’s affair came about largely because of his depression, which he initially tried to hide from me. After his affair, the guilt, shame and remorse he felt over what he was doing led him to become suicidal with a plan. He never shared this with me, although it was quite obvious he was reaching a nearly non-functional stage of depression. I was pushing him HARD to get help, and he resented that. His AP however, was telling what he wanted to hear. That there was nothing wrong with him. That the kids and I were the problem. We were undeserving, unappreciative, and basically we were the CAUSE of his depression. She was the answer. She pushed hard for him NOT to get help. I cringe when I hear him talk about how many times he nearly killed himself. That would be on HER. How sick, selfish and messed up do you need to be in order to tell someone talking about suicide NOT to get help?? She KNEW if he got the proper help, he would likely end the affair. I asked him once how it feels to know that the person who supposedly “loved” him would rather have seen him dead than out of their relationship.

      • Strengthrequired

        EG, I also worried about my h, he too was depressed, hid it from me, he became worse when the ow came in and started telling him it was all my fault, the same reasons you stated. She had all the answers, tell g him what he needed to hear, yet he kept getting worse. I was worried he would do seething to himself, he told me he could find a bridge and jump off. Or he would just leave and never see anyone again.
        How can a ow see these men going through all they are and not make it easier on them, why do the make it harder.
        This was one of the reasons I was torn about packing up the kids and leaving for my own sanity, he was so guilt ridden, he was so upset that he was hurting people he loved, yet he didn’t know how to fix it, it was tearing him apart.
        It blows my mind how this ow thought she was what he needed, even though she could see him dying inside. She kept manipulating him the whole time.
        He us a different person to back them now, thank god.

        • exercisegrace

          I don’t think that people in an affair situation really “see” each other. They only see what they, themselves want/need. The OW wanted to “win” or “own” our husbands. At any price. And they were willing to let our husbands pay that price with their sanity or perhaps even their lives. Our husbands wanted to see themselves as admired, desired etc. And they were willing to pay the price of their marriage and family. At least at the start of the affair, I doubt very much if ANY OW puts demands on the husband. She is just there to reflect what he wants to see and hear. She is a chameleon that makes herself appear to be whatever he likes, is interested in, etc.

          • Strengthrequired

            My h ow did, she kept wanting him to marry her, have a baby with her. She was planning it all. She wanted him to treat her kids like he treats his own kids, he said no. She wanted him to give her kids money for Christmas. He said no, he wasn’t giving them anything. Ohh and of course leave your wife for me, I want you. That was an all the time demand.
            Not sure really what her undoing was for him, maybe all the demands she laid out in front of him.

          • Rachel

            Great comment, excersise grace. So true.

    • tryinghard

      On the Monday after DDay, which was on Saturday, my sisters took me to see my Doc for some meds, I was having a meltdown to say the least. He took one look at me and said “No”, that I needed to be evaluated at the Psyche ward at a major hospital where I live. The staff quickly rushed me past everyone else and attended to me. Of course they asked if I was contemplating suicide or murder. I was in such a fog and state of shock, I said yes, but my sisters told them I had not mentioned murder just suicide. I talked to a couple Docs and I was treated and sent home about 8 hours later. Let me tell you the psyche ward is NO WHERE you want to be. There are REALLY crazy people in there. I told the staff what they wanted to hear to get out! Nope I wasn’t thinking about killing myself or anyone else any more so please sir may I have some more happy pills so I can go home! Once home I was heavily medicated and put to bed. My sisters and sons took care of me over the next week or so. I was also having some work done at my house and I remember the carpenter wouldn’t leave until my sister showed up. They were on 24 hour suicide/homicide watch with me. (As a side note, yes my H knew all about this and where was he? staying down at the OW house, never even called me let alone stop by. No I’m not bitter :)Said he was scared!!! ) Anyway, I was in pretty much in shock both physically and emotionally not eating or sleeping for days. I finally got to the point where they would finally leave me alone if I “acted” normal. I learned to say what I needed to say to get them to leave me alone!! And alone is what I wanted. In the ensuing days I slowly got myself up on my feet and was starting to do the work I needed to do, such as file for divorce and getting out of the house and back to church. These were huge for me. As I moved forward I always kept the thought that if nothing worked I could shoot them and kill myself. I made up elaborate plans for it. I NEVER came close to acting on them BUT the thoughts were always at the back of my mind and is actually what kept me moving forward. I knew I had to find my inner strength because I knew what the alternative would be. I had it planned after all!!! Then I got over the murder notion but stuck to the suicide idea. I Googled how to kill myself. I found out you can no longer kill yourself by closing the garage door and turning the car on, the car will shut itself off because the newer models have carbon monoxide sensors. RATS that would have been easy I thought! I decided slitting my wrists and taking pills was the way I would do it. I could fall asleep and all my life would drain out of me in the bathtub AND I wouldn’t leave a mess for anyone to have to clean up. I would also do it in a hotel because I wouldn’t want my sons to have to find my body. Oh yeah I had it all planned out. I repeat I NEVER came close to acting on it but it was certainly a plan B for me.

      Never would have thought I could think this way before DDay. I loved my life, my family, my husband. I knew suicide was wrong and never understood the pain and devastation someone might feel to do that. I judged those people as weak. I would NEVER do that I would think sanctimoniously. I was wrong. As wrong as saying 2+2=5. I do understand how people get to that point and it’s not that you want to end your life, you want to end your pain! I get it now. My H also told his sister he wanted to end his life. When I tried to talk to him about it he brushed it off and said he hadn’t but in fact he did on more than one occasion. He even told another friend he wanted to “end it”.
      I have faced and admitted that yes I thought about it, made plans and researched it and that I probably could have done it. He can’t admit it. Brush it under the rug.
      I know I’ve brought it up before, but I am now scared that OW who is sick and dying from cancer, might do something like murdering me and my H since she has NOTHING to lose. Also the drugs she is taking could also cloud her mind. I get her mindset, I was there.
      I wish people would get that you don’t mess with people’s emotions on any level and infidelity is at the top of the list. Nothing has, can or will illicit crazy actions from people like infidelity. This is historic!! It’s the stuff that movies, literature, music, the arts is made of. That’s why when the CS say they didn’t know how it would hurt their spouse so much, I call BULLSHIT! Have you been living under a rock all your life???

      Great topic Linda. Hope I haven’t shocked any of you. Or maybe you expected it 🙂 All in all I’d rather be a crazy bitch than a lying, cheating, whore any day and I know who I am.

      • exercisegrace

        TH, that is an incredible story. I can relate to all the emotions. I think that I blocked mine though. I was hell bent on putting on a show of normal for the kids, so they wouldn’t know. I wish now I had let some of that out. Done things a little different. On D-day I think I left him TOO much with the idea of……hmmmm, well THAT went better than I thought it would! It set up an expectation that it would all be over, forgiven and forgotten VERY quickly.

      • Strengthrequired

        Thoughts had crossed my mind too, did a little googling, but didn’t come close to doing anything, but definately didn’t think about hurting anyone else but me.
        I just wanted to escape the pain I was in. It’s a terrible place to be in, which is why I wanted help.

      • Battleborn

        TH, You have no idea how many people have thoughts just like you after an affair DD. In my case I STOPPED taking my meds which is a huge no-no since I am clinically depressed and am bipolar. I did not want to take my meds anymore. I was tired of taking them, I was tired of feeling “good.” I am sorry that you have gone through all this, it is no fun! I can empathize with you all the while sympathize with you, too. No being in the hospital full of really unbalanced people is scary.

        In my case though, my H did not brush it under the rug… he couldn’t because he has seen my unbalanced and w/o my meds. I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, but I seriously thought about getting in the car and drive until I couldn’t anymore; live in hiding where I could start all over again. Of course that wouldn’t have worked, but still it was always in the back of my mind.

        But to be honest, I watched the true life murder stories. I thought about the different ways to get rid of a body, LOL The only thing is, her sister is a police Lt. I wouldn”t stand a chance of getting away with it. What thoughts go through our minds, huh?! Stay strong TH.

        • tryinghard

          No he didn’t brush mine aside. He didn’t call or even come by to check on me during that time. My sisters told him what was happening but he was too busy shacking up with the OW to go out of his way or even show the least little bit of compassion toward me. That’s what 30 years plus got me. No, he brushed his own thoughts of suicide under the rug. Denied he ever thought it or said it. It was confirmed to me by his sister and his friend.

    • DJ

      Tryinghard – no shock. I think you have lots of company here.

      I went crazy, too. Thoughts of beating the crap out of a couple of people played out in my mind for quite some time. I had also figured out all the details of how I would kill myself. I couldn’t see a way out of the pain. I was in a black hole. I call it the Abyss of Abandonment. That may sound over-dramatic to some, but those of us who have been there know that there can be no overdoing the description of it all. Nothing can ever truly express the anguish.

      Thank the Lord I am not there anymore. Not far enough away from the Abyss to not be able to peer into it, but far enough that I know there is another way — a way out, a journey back to a good life.

      • tryinghard

        DJ
        I hear you all. I was so far removed from that crazy world before DDay it wasn’t even funny. Never even knew anyone that had had a nervous/mental breakdown. That’s what those “others” did, not me!!! Well the joke was on me. No one really knows what they will do in ANY given situation right? I didn’t mean to sound exclusive when I say I hope I didn’t shock anyone because to tell you the truth I have shocked myself. I’ve never written this before and it still shakes me up.

    • Broken2

      I’m sure many of you have read about the mother of 4 children, wonderful woman, respected in her community, wonderful mother and wife. Her husband came home one night and told her he was having an affair. She quietly got up and went into the garage and hung herself. Affairs kill the spirit and crush the soul. Never underestimate the damage they cause.

      • tryinghard

        It does crush your spirit and soul and sometimes I think mine is coming back and then I have triggers like yesterday and back down I go. Not to the extent to thinking about suicide thank God. Maybe homicide though…….:)

    • Strengthrequired

      One day a man who worked next door to my h running his own business, he had a visit from his wife, she left to pick her kids up from school, and was coming back to see him. When she came back the factory door was closed. She walked in there with her children only to find her h had hung himself.
      I am not sure what his reasoning was for his suicide but sad none the less.

    • Paula

      All very easy to relate to. All of you who have been down this track, like TH, I understand. One of my ex’s oldest friends hung himself nearly ten years ago, just short of 40 years of age, after his wife left him, he suspected an affair, and six months later, after getting treatment for severe depression, he looked to be in recovery, the Prozac was “working” (and another of our close mutual friends, a GP, said she refused to prescribe it anymore, as she had discovered that it seemed to be a drug that got people “well enough, strong enough” to carry out suicidal plans – she was referring even “minor” cases to shrinks, etc, and not using Prozac, trying other alternatives) his parents had moved in to care for him during this period, and they left him to go buy a paper, and he took the opportunity to race out to an outbuilding (a farmer, just two weeks from his herd departing, they sold the farm to start afresh) and hung himself. His dear mother discovered him – he was still breathing, it is a nearby town, and the police officer first on the scene was a fabulous girl they grew up with, and an ex-girlfriend of the victim, how awful for her, too. We were all totally devastated. My ex gave the eulogy, it was amazing, amazing, amazing – this guy was absolutely awesome, incredibly intelligent – mad genius type – had lived an incredible life, so funny, and there were some great, mad stories to tell, and my ex told them with fantastic humour and compassion, I was SO proud of him. We had no idea he felt quite so devastated. I remember thinking that nothing could be that bad, if only he’d hung on, things would have got better. But, my D-day was in May of the year involved, and by October I had attempted suicide the first time. I tried to hang myself in the woolshed, he found me, cut me down, and bundled me into the farm ute, not letting me out of his sight until he was able to get me home, call a shrink and a suicide line to get me the help I so desperately needed. He has walked this line with me, supporting me, knowing what his actions unleashed in me. I also tried again about a year later, pills. So embarrassing to admit. I was not the type of person to be that “weak” either. I am thankful that I live in a country that does not allow handgun ownership!!! It is to escape the unrelenting pain – and I still feel it, but the urge to kill myself has mostly left – that does not mean I don’t wish I would die sometimes still! And I have three kids!! And a pretty good life otherwise!! So intense this agony. I have also ended up trying every kind of antidepressant and anti-anxiety med under the sun,all to no avail. I know about crazy! Oh do I!

      On the subject of HPV, and other STIs, yup. One sexual partner here, got chlamydia (felt like a filthy whore when diagnosed, truly disgustingly dirty) and later the HPV diagnosis. I have been on six monthly smears for several years now thanks to the HPV, cervical cancer has been diagnosed, but I am being treated and monitored closely – had two colposcopies, and lately an LEEC procedure to scrape the cancerous cells off my cervix. The gift that keeps on giving. My partner is truly appalled at his ignorance, selfishness and the filth he brought into the body of the mother of his children. The children don’t know about any of this, mostly to protect him, but also as I have always been the safe sex QUEEN! I want my kids to use protection, be emotionally AND sexually safe, how does it look to tell them the message we have preached for years was not adhered to??? My dad came out in the mid 80s, at the height of the first AIDS epidemic – and I was terrified that my mum was going to be diagnosed with HIV (she got tested) for about two years post their separation and divorce. I was at university at the opposite end of the country and every phone call from her struck an icy terror down my body until the first sentences were spoken and I realised that this wasn’t THAT phone call. I have always stocked the house with condoms – and talked about “just in case you or I, or the kids, do something mind-blowingly stupid.” Not used. Not once. (Not that once would have helped, lol.)

      I will admit to fantasy hurting the OW scenarios played in my head. Never anything I felt the urge to actually carry out, the worst “dream of mine” was locking her in her house somehow and burning it down with her inside. But, she had a small son, and is a single mother, the father is not involved in his life, so perhaps not, lol. I fantasised about desecrating her property, all that kind of rubbish – but never once actually thought I could hurt her – all complete fantasy. The OW has a womanising father, and a religious mother who won’t leave, etc. She and I used to talk about it sometimes, the OW thought her mother a fool and is very condescending of her, hmm, guess what she thinks of ME!! I asked “how does your mum cope?” Her answer, “she is scared, she won’t tell any of the AP’s husbands, because she is scared they will show up with a shotgun and blow someone away.” Sick, huh?

      The utter scorched earth devastation this causes is in no way remotely understandable until you are in the storm yourself, people can support you, feel for you, but no one knows what the storm of uncontrollable emotions, anger and extreme, bone-deep sorrow feels like until it is you. I thought I knew how bad it would feel – I felt huge empathy for others enduring similar situations in the past, but really, I was just skimming the surface of the bottomless pool of pain.

    • Strengthrequired

      Wow Paula, all I can say is I’m so sorry for all your pain.
      As for the ow in your life, I guess she is definately her fathers daughter.

    • Gizfield

      I’ve heard terrible things about Prozac. Can make you kill yourself and even others. Like your parentsor children or friends for no reason. I noticed a lot of the suicides were by hanging. That seems odd to me, kind of more personal than shooting yourself or taking pills. I thought a lot of suicidal thoughts when married to my first husband. After surviving that, no suicidal thoughts. Homicidal, yes, but thats just daydreaming. No slut, my husband or his girlfriend, is worth sacrificing seeing my daughter grow up for. Now, if not for her, it might be a different story. I dont really care for myself that much.

    • Strengthrequired

      That’s what kept me doing anything really stupid to myself, my children and not letting thenow defeat me and ending up with my family.

    • Strengthrequired

      Should have said, from doing anything to myself.

    • Gizfield

      There are some horrible stories on here. I have one to share, involving my own mother. She divorced her first husband, with two small children. Got pregnant by a college student, had me, and gave me up for adoption at 13 months. Deserted her two other children, moved to California. Supposedly was institutionalized for mental issues. After she got out, she baby sat for a lady she met in there. Got pregnant by the lady’s husband. The lady committed suicide. my mother left California without my sister, and she became a ward of the state at 6 years old. She could not find either of her parents til she was an adult. She never met either parent. She finally contacted her father, who would have nothing to do with her. She has four half siblings. Two of them accept her, two hate her due to our mother’s actions.

    • Gizfield

      What became of my mother after that? She returned to our home state, got married to a man who treated her like a queen. Turned mega religious. Every conversation was filled with bible verses, as was the letters she sent me. Her other children worship her memory (she died in 1997). I just keep my opinion to myself. I’ve never met my father. My brother is so like her. Been married four times. Left his baby mama when their last child left for college in September. He was engaged by October when he brought her here for a family funeral. He has also become mega religious. He just turned 60, has an 18 month old baby, and another oh the way. I never mention that either. I can’t imagine how messed up the next generations relationships will be.

    • Strengthrequired

      That’s very sad gizfield. Very sad.

    • Gizfield

      Thank you, Strength. It is just amazing the impact a few moments of selfishness can have for decades to come. Those poor children whose parents who committed suicide is just heartbreaking.

      • Strengthrequired

        It’s a shame your right giz, a moment of selfishness falling back on generations.

    • Tryinghard

      WOW Giz. That’s a story! I wish I could relate. I just had such the opposite growing up. Perfect loving parents. Great childhood nothing dysfunctional about it.aube that’s why I’m still on shock.y H on the other hand grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I was too db whe I got married at 20 to know all that crap would affect me in the future. I should have chosen better I see now. LOLtoo freaking late

    • Strengthrequired

      This has become pretty depressing…….
      To sad for words. All these sad stories.

    • Gizfield

      Thank you, Trying. I actually grew up in a very stable family. Parents married 42 years, til he died, then she died a year later. I even lived in the same house til I got my first apartment at 18. My parents never told me about the adoption, and Ifound out in my early 20s. That was a rough time.

      My sister got adopted at about age six, into a family that had a lot of other adopted children. She has siblings from other countries even. She is so sweet. Married 25 years , two wonderful grown children. I have met her once.

    • Gizfield

      Wow, this is so ironic. I watched a show on the Scy Fy channel tonight called Paranormal Witness. The episode was called A Ghostly Affair. It is the story of a woman named Ladell Allen Bonner. It is a true story of a bad outcome of an extramarital affair. I dont know about the ghosts, but it is an actual story of suicide caused by an affair. I googled the name and found a great article from a Monticello, Arkansas newspaper. It was fascinating reading. She committed suicide because her married lover stood her up on Christmas Eve, 1948, I believe.I told my husband she should know that no married man’s wife is going to let him out of the house on Christmas Eve, lol.

    • Mona Lisa

      This discussion subject reminds me of the Lifetime show “Snapped”. I used to refer to these show as my “training films”. Only by the grace of God was I not the subject of one of those programs.

    • Gizfield

      You and me both, Mona Lisa. My husband would never tell me his girlfriends name, said it was a one time thing etc. about a year later he either started talking to her again or never stopped,.who knows. But I got her last name and phone number off his phone even though he Thought he hid it under a fake name. Did a reverssearch for $1.99. That enabled me to get her address and place of employment, etc. I hacked his ipad so I could read his email, and monitored them all summer long. Found no evidence of “wrong doing ” excrpt sneaking, talking, and texting. And the fact that he was acting like a creepy shit head again.

      I could have conftonted her anytime. Are these cheaters so stupid they dont realize anyone can find them ??? All you need is one phone number off one text. Stupid…

    • chiffchaff

      I was wondering overnight if some of the deadly effects of affairs for BSs are amplified due to the other physical manifestations of the stress we’re under after discovery. I know I couldn’t sleep or eat for about 6 months. sleep deprivation is a very serious contributor to depression which means you really might not be capable of acting in your usual right mind because of the shock but also because you’ve literally short circuited your brain by lack of sleep.

      On the suicidal point, I was aware that suicide was present in my family history from a young age. My aunt drowned in the bath (her husband was a serial adulterer and wife beater) and my paternal grandfather commited suicide on discovering that my gran had developed alzheimers and couldn’t cope. I think it helped me understand the very longlasting effect of suicide on the family left behind which may have put me off thinking about that route out further. dunno.

      affairs – one the many acts of thoughtlessness and selfishness with very wide ranging and all too forseeable consequences if the CSs could just stop being selfish for a moment.

    • Tryinghard

      I definitely think not eating, lack of sleep, massive amounts of adrenalin pumping my heart all contributed to my state of mind. In a way I’m glad I went there. First it made me empathetic to those with depression. I also returned to my spirituality and I overcame it. I won over my demons.

      I’ve never watched lifetime channel but I’ve heard about it. Yes this stuff is ripped from its pages. I still think Shakespeare said it best that hell has no fury compared to a woman scorned! He knew why the hell didn’t our H’s know?

    • DJ

      I have a story, too…

      The deadly effects can stretch out over generations. I had a cousin who was my classmate in high school. He fell in love with a beautiful girl that seemed perfect for him. She was a couple of years younger than us and was the sweetest thing. Their parents did not want them dating each other but never said why. They hid their relationship until they were over 21.

      When they finally came out and announced that they were getting married, the s**t hit the fan. Her mother finally had to tell her. She was the product of an affair between her mother and his father. She was in love with her own brother. Everyone in our small community found out, and the girl’s parents divorced. Six months later, that beautiful girl killed herself.

      It does sound like something out of Shakespeare or a Lifetime Channel movie, doesn’t it? There was a lot of sarcasm and gossip after it all came out – related on both sides by half – does that make it a whole? – and stupid things like that.

      An innocent child died and many people suffered for the selfish fantasies of a jerk and a jerkette. My cousin did not date for many years after his sister killed herself. He has now been married three times and has children by all three wives. He is currently living with a woman but there all kinds of stories about cheating on both sides in that relationship. Sad. So sad.

    • BeckyB

      I was found to have HPV ( not called that in1983) as cervical erosion a precancerous sore that caused bleeding at 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby. Skip forward to 1993 at 14 weeks pregnant with baby 5 ,I was dxd with CIN2 stage 2 I was told to have a therapeutic abortion. Skip forward to 28 weeks pregnant with same baby and I was told I had CIN 4 stage 4 .Yes I had full blown cervical cancer and the fear was horrible. My husband insists he didn’t cheat way back then.I know my husband exposed every whore he touched to HPV, at the same time I know he exposed me and our unborn children to only GOD knows what. I know that justice in this world comes painfully slow but am I wrong for having NO compassion that they will die a slow painful death? Hmmm I seem to be totally out of human care or concern for lowlife thieves who wanted to steal my life . I can’t seem to find the love God gave me for real people they seem too fake for me to have real genuine heartfelt compassion. I don’t feel like I have come through all of this as a whole person I feel so emptied of ME. I was so mad at my husband when he was lying and hiding so much trash instead of him throwing his trash out that I told. Him very coldly and very cruelly my wish to his whores is to have throat cancer , cervical cancer , uterine , anal vaginal and yes even clitoral cancer I told him I hope their filthy whorey parts rot and fall off. Ok that made me laugh now I can look at this ugly crap and yes I still wish their parts to rot and fall off. I’m not as far as I will be tomorrow and I am not where I was yesterday. Thanks for this site I have been looking here for over a year and some of this is very helpful some not so. I know I didn’t bring myself to this place in my life yet I will be the one to lead myself out.

      • tryinghard

        OK BeckyB that made me laugh. The OW in my life does have the worst cancer one can have and I have to tell you, I am not the least bit unhappy about it. Yes I feel awful that I feel that way because I feel like the worst person in the world for reveling in someone else’s misery. And what a misery!!! She didn’t give a crap when I was suffering so. Karma can be such a bitch!!! I also relax in the fact that wishing something on someone doesn’t make it so. This woman lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. My H called it way back that she wouldn’t live long and he was right, Her diagnosis is less than a year. I will dance on her grave. I’ll work it the details with God out later.

    • CookieMomster

      I was intrigued to read all the stories about health issues we BS’s are experiencing. I too have experienced a decline in health, both mentally and physically. It all comes down to this – I truly believe that you can die from a broken heart.

      • Strengthrequired

        Cookie, I believe you can die from a broken heart too. I thought I would.

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