Here are the results of the survey we published last week. I can’t really say that there were any Earth-shattering surprises, though I still feel that the results are interesting and we can possibly make some further assumptions or takeaways from the results.
We’d be interested in hearing any comments you might have regarding the survey results.
From the following results I think you can get a fairly good idea of those that visit this site and their situations:
Male – 11.8%
Female – 88.2%
18-24 – 0.6%
25-34 – 15.3%
35-49 – 53.4%
50-62 – 28.8%
63 and over – 1.8%
How long have you been married or in a relationship?
0-5 years – 6.2%
6 -10 years – 15.4%
11-15 years – 17.3%
16-20 years – 19.1%
21-25 years – 16.0%
25 + years – 26.5%
(I was a bit surprised at the number who have over 25 years together.)
Current relationship status:
Not married – 3.7%
Still married – 79.7%
Separated – 11.7%
Divorced (or have filed) – 4.9%
(This tells me that most want to try to save their marriages and recover from the affair.)
Are you the cheater of the betrayed?
Cheater – 11.2%
Betrayed – 88.8%
(No surprises here)
Was the affair emotional, physical or both?
Emotional affair – 57.4%
Physical affair – 3.1%
Emotional and physical – 39.5%
Is the affair over?
Yes – 65.4%
No – 14.8%
Not sure – 19.8%
In general, why do you think the affair happened? (more than one answer could be checked)
Needs not being met – 58.6%
The opportunity presented itself – 45.7%
Lack of boundaries – 24.7%
Character flaw of the cheater – 30.2%
Mid-life crisis – 38.3%
Other – 21.6%
Some of the “other” reasons are:
- Stress of 4 month hospitalization of child followed by months of extensive care
- He can’t articulate why, so I’m guessing….
- He says he liked the attention
- Old girlfriend – Facebook
- First loves
- All of the above
- Resentments over many unresolved issues.
- Angry at me and start of ED
- She was bored and needed to be entertained. That we could try again later. Never mentioned anything to that matter until she left and filed.. didn’t know about EA at that time, until a month later. She said that they were ‘JUST’ Friends, and that she refused to seek help..
- Old first love initiated contact and made it easy
- Spouse not in touch with his emotions, entered affair out of curiosity and to feel good, depression.
- Stress at work and death of parent
- Cheater’s low self-esteem issues
- Met up with old flame
- I was diagnosed with cancer; husband felt that he had no support and was unable to communicate with me.
- Affair just happened
- OW (other woman) had a crush
- We were having a bad patch and he worked with her and got close and enjoyed the fantasy and something ‘different’.
- “Seven year itch”
- He “wanted” to have it.
- Death of his father and history of alcoholism, it all came to crisis mode.
- Temporary insanity
- Financial stress, escape
- Needs not being met, but he failed to confide in me what he felt was wrong, he chose to confide in the OW instead.
- Childhood trauma caused low self esteem for cheeter
- Ignorance of severity of the damages, believed that it was a wrong but “acceptable” solution to the troubled marriage
- Unresolved FOO issues (not sure what FOO means)
- Other person was predatory
- MS diagnosis and mental issues
- Not really sure…
Have you seen or spoken to a counselor?
Yes – 66.7%
No – 33.3%
If you have seen (talked to) a counselor, are you still in counseling?
Yes – 46.2%
No – 53.8%
If you are (were) in counseling, is (was) it as a couple or alone?
Alone – 72.4%
As a couple – 62.9%
(it appears that many went to counseling alone and as a couple)
If you have not seen or talked to a counselor, why not? (More than one answer possible)
My spouse/partner refuses to go – 25.8%
I (we) don’t feel the need to or are not ready yet – 28.8%
Lack of money to pay for it – 18.2%
Other – 39.4%
Some of the “other” reasons were:
- Counselor wouldn’t keep seeing us, because my husband wasn’t committed to the process – though he said he was, she knew he wasn’t.
- We have worked it out on our own, our marriage has never been better. We both love each other and want our marriage to work.
- I don’t need it
- Felt more comfortable with self help and this site….Worked through some serious issues on our own
- He lives with OW and is not interested – she is everything now
- Just finished moving. I’m trying to make an appointment now.
- Live in a small town – wouldn’t want anyone to know – counselors are local
- I think they are nosey busybodies who are no help at all, they can’t change anything. My H would have gone if I wanted.
- Partner will never go and I’m not sure I can fix this by myself, plus I’m scared it will mean I have to confront issues I’m not ready for.
- Didn’t help
- Partner is in counseling
- I’m still trying to get through this on my own.
- Cheating spouse is going alone to deal with root cause
- Spouse doesn’t feel he had an affair because it wasn’t physical
- I am a private person.
- My husband will not go to couples counseling.
- I went alone the first time with my H’s understanding we’d go as a couple if I felt comfortable and I felt he didn’t “get it” so why go back? This was a “small blip” in a 25 yr relationship, I should just get over because my H “was sorry”….oh please!!!
- In a country where good counseling is not available, we research and counsel ourselves.
- Lack of good therapists
- Not sure how to find a counselor – no referrals available.
- Note: no longer in couples counseling while he focuses on how FOO issues cause issue in our relationship.
- Don’t know how to find a good one
- Just discovered the affair. We are going to have individual as well as couple counseling.
- Didn’t really feel like it would help.
Note: For those of you who are unsure about how to find a therapist, you might want to check out the following posts:
“Questions to Ask a Therapist”
“Should You Go to Couples Counseling?”
If there is a lack of therapists in your area, or you live in a small town and require more privacy, you might want to try out online or phone counseling by clicking this link: Talk With a Counselor Now , which offers live 24-hour help with a counselor by phone or online.
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