There is stress everywhere, every day, which you must manage: work, issues at home and with your family, just to name a few. As our medical billing services in NJ said that stress is a natural part of life and our bodies are equipped to deal with it.

But what about overwhelming stress that is piled on top of the normal daily stress, such as that brought on by the revelation of your spouse’s affair?

We talked about self-destructive behaviors after the affair is discovered in Monday’s blog, but there are also other real issues that you have to worry about:

  • Will I get through this?
  • Is he/she still seeing the other woman/man?
  • Will our marriage survive?
  • Who else knows of my spouse’s affair?
  • Will I be fooled and hurt like this again?

In addition to that, you have the stress of emotional and psychological pain that you are experiencing which can lead to a range of physical symptoms:

  • Headaches
  • Sudden weight loss
  • Stomach problems
  • Blood pressure spikes
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Chest pain/heart problems
  • Initiation of diseases
  • Instigation of existing diseases

In effect, the unrelenting effect of chronic post-affair stress can have serious consequences for your health.

So our topic questions for this week are…

How have negative thoughts/images impacted your health  after the affair?

Have you experienced unusual health symptoms since learning of your spouse’s affair?

How have you coped?

Can you think of any additional ways to help  cope that you are not utilizing which you should?  What are they and why are you not using them?

As always, please respond to each other in the comment section.

Take care!

Linda & Doug

    36 replies to "Discussion: Your Health After the Affair"

    • D

      I’ve often thought about how I might have handled my reaction differently. But that’s the awfulness of betrayal, the only way to steel yourself against that is to anticipate it. And who wants to be in a relationship where you’re constantly on guard? That’s, of course, the difficulty in moving forward after an affair. You ARE on guard – all the time.

      My health was a mess following DDay. Yoga helped tremendously – the physical activity combined with the spiritual connection helped ground my fears and accept what was happening. I walked everywhere, and biked, and kayaked – anything to keep moving. When I remained still I floundered. If I wasn’t active or at least reading my mind took over and I drowned in fear. It was a good four or five months before I felt stable again, that I felt strong enough to take a stand against what I feel was a form of abuse (her having to mourn his loss – I understand it’s necessary but give me a break.)

      The greatest tool that helped in healing was to let go of our past relationship and to look at us as a new couple, like dating a new woman and asking myself (as I did when we met) could I see a future in this relationship? We get so caught up in our histories with other people that it’s difficult allowing ourselves to ask for more. We’re so afraid of upsetting the cart, of losing something that clearly wasn’t as valuable to our spouse as it was to us, that we lose our voice and put up with a great many things that we wouldn’t if it were a new relationship.

      Nearing two years after DDay and I feel strong enough that if she wanted to leave I’d help her pack, and part as friends. I’m strong enough to ask, “Are MY needs being met?”

      • Doug

        D., Great comment! I like what you say about letting go of the past relationship and the past history. I at times feel that the past needs to be let go of – and I’m talking about our past before the affair primarily – and move on to try and make things great going forward. Some of the old baggage just needs to be tossed out the window for good!

    • E

      My health has taken a hit for sure. Never in my life did I think I would need depression meds or anxiety meds, now I have used both. I lost weight that I didn’t need to lose – basically did not eat for a month after D-day. For me, physical exercise – which I am slowly getting back to has helped. But more importantly, I made a choice. I made the choice to live my life and that I was going to be ok regardless of the outcome. Making that choice has had the biggest impact on me re-gaining my physical health. Yes, it was hard and it takes constant attention, I cannot let negative thoughts take over because they will! I love the comments about letting go of the past relationship and starting a new one. My H and I both agree that this is the way it is has to be for us. I feel like I’ve been dating my husband for the past month and it’s been wonderful. So much so in fact, that I’m going home today.

      • ifeelsodumb

        So glad things are better for you, E!!! 🙂 Please keep posting to let us all know how you are doing!

    • ifeelsodumb

      I stopped eating, which was a good thing…finally lost those last 25 lbs that I wanted to get rid of! What a “diet”!! :/
      I stayed in my bedroom, off and on, for long periods of time…our boys knew there was a problem, but we let them believe it was a “family” matter that had me upset.
      We had company arrive the day after D-day…teenage friends of our boys, they stayed 10 days, so that helped distract my boys…as long as they had food, soda and video games, they were pretty much oblivious to what was happening around them!
      It was a blessing and a curse…a blessing because if they hadn’t been there, I’m sure I would have kicked my H outta the house and then everyone would have known, and looking at it now, with my thoughts more clear, I’m glad I kept it to just a few people! A curse because I wanted to cry, scream rage…and I couldn’t, so I think that held up my healing!
      Today, I AM healing…I have my bad days, those darn triggers are still all around me…but my H has really taken some steps to help me heal, and that is what I’ve needed all along.
      I still have heart palpitations on a regular basis, this happens when I start thinking of the EA or have bad trigger days..It’s normal, from what I’ve read, but still a reminder that I’m not over this!
      We joined a 24/7 gym, so most every night, we are there working out together, which is a lot of fun! I bought my first ever pair of “skinny” jeans and I KNOW I look good in them…and more importantly…my H knows I look good in them!

      I think the biggest change for me now is that I am getting my self confidence back! Discovering the EA really did a number on my self confidence.
      The OW really isn’t much to look at…she’s put on a lot of weight since my H dated her…and other then the 25 lbs I had to lose, I always dressed nice and made sure I looked good for my H….but knowing that he was emotionally attached to HER, made me really feel like I wasn’t enough for him, that somehow I wasn’t good enough…I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t anything I had done, He made the choice to get his admiration from someone else without even giving me a chance to correct any of the problems that he felt I was making…we are all human and make mistakes, and the fact that I wasn’t “perfect” didn’t give him the right to turn to someone else!

      So now I’m taking care of myself, I’m training to run a 5k, eating more healthy and rebuilding my marriage…I agree with the previous comments that we have to start new…When we went away a couple of weeks ago, my sister suggested that my H and I find a small church in the mountains, and go in and renew our vows, just the two of us…and I told to my H what she suggested, and he was ready to do it…but I told him I wasn’t. When I know I have totally forgiven him, then and only then will I renew our vows…it will happen, one day. Until then, we keep working at fixing what went wrong.

      • AM

        .but knowing that he was emotionally attached to HER, made me really feel like I wasn’t enough for him, that somehow I wasn’t good enough…I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t anything I had done, He made the choice to get his admiration from someone else without even giving me a chance to correct any of the problems that he felt I was making…we are all human and make mistakes, and the fact that I wasn’t “perfect” didn’t give him the right to turn to someone else!

        This statement right here just hit me like a ton of bricks! This is what I have been carrying around with me for months.

    • E

      Thanks IFSD! and WAY TO GO!!!

    • mamak

      My health took a huge hit after D-Day. I was about 6 months pregnant with our second child at the time. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed much less eat, drink, take care of myself (and the baby). I lost about 10 lbs, a lot for a pregnant woman, in that first month. I ended up in pre-term labor 6 times, the first 9 days after D-Day and with the help of hospital staff managed to get at least enough calories consumed for the baby each day. In addition, my mental health wasn’t great either…I needed help to care for my 5 year old son, and when another adult couldn’t be here, the TV took over. I ended up on anti-anxiety and depression medications, 2x weekly appointments with my OB….

      I am proud to say I delivered a very healthy baby, and there are no obvious problems caused by my bad behavior. I am still taking medication, but am doing a lot better and most days I eat at least 2 meals….it’s only been 8 months since D-day and things are by no means perfect….but I am healthier than I was 6-7 months ago.

      I also like the thought of starting over in the relationship, though it’s difficult to find time to be a couple with an infant around. That’s one of the things that we are struggling with most. I still feel like we’re roommates more than husband and wife most days.

      • Doug

        mamak, From the sound of it, this is your first child. I know it’s tough when you have infants to get out and have time as a couple, plus it seems as though you’re always tired. When Linda and I were first parents some 21 years ago, we didn’t let it stop us too much. We took our son everywhere. We strapped him in a backpack and went to festivals, concerts, restaurants — almost everywhere we went before we had him. One thing we were hesitant to do though was leave him with a babysitter or relative so that we could go somewhere overnight or for a weekend. I remember when I won a trip to Hawaii we were very hesitant to leave him for a few days with my mother in law. But when we got away and things were cool back at home, we wanted to stay a few extra days. I guess what I’m saying is don’t be afraid to be separated from your infant and let that become an issue in your relationship. Find someone you trust to watch your child and make sure you spend time together as a couple. Believe it or not, when they get older is when they take up even more of your time and energy, so get in the habit now!

      • Paula

        mamak, it was such a long time ago for me, but I can’t imagine how difficult this must have been, you’re awesome! Our babymoons were fabulous, three lovely babies, three times to feel incredibly connected, and at peace. Our second child was born late in the afternoon of the 23rd of December, so we had a luxuriously long babymoon, as Christmas and New Year’s in the southern hemisphere are one, big, long party season, no work, holiday time, no one around, but our little family, bliss, sorry you have been robbed of that. I know you and your children will be wonderful, well done, you!

    • DJ

      I also did not eat much at all for a month after D-day. I lost 30 pounds and my blood pressure went haywire. It would go down really low, mostly when I had not eaten at all, and then spike up like crazy for no apparent reason. I am now on blood pressure meds to control all that. It’s been over a year now and I am not able to get off of them.

      I still don’t sleep all that well. I have bad dreams sometimes, but I don’t think that’s the reason for this problem. I just seem to wake up often and then I can’t get back to sleep. So I’m tired all the time. The triggers and flashbacks have kept me from doing many of the things I enjoyed before. I live a very quiet life these days. But I have been exercising a LOT as a means of letting out frustration, so it evens out, I guess. My health is not too bad, except for my blood pressure.

      I’ve read, though, that stress and traumatic events wreak havoc on the body that may not manifest itself for years afterward. We’ll have to wait and see what happens in the future.

      My husband looks like he’s aged several years in the past one. He has stomach problems and he also doesn’t sleep well. For him, nightmares are frequent. Night before last, he dreamt that I had an affair and he was chasing the guy around our house. Imagine that! Guess he’s having some difficulties of his own.

    • Broken

      Physically…in the 12 months after Dday I was sick about every 2-3 weeks with the flu,,,a cold whatever was going around. I am the type of person that is never sick. The worse part was my blood pressure which skyrocketed….so high that my doctor said it was the highest pressure that she had ever seen. It has taken 15 months to get this under control. In the meantime it has caused damage to my heart that will never go away. Sometimes it angers me that the one person I thought would never hurt me…nearly killed me.

      Emotionally…overnight I became someone I didn’t know. My self esteem was destroyed. Everything I believed in was gone. I trusted no one …not even myself.

      EA are selfish stealers of all that we are as an individual.

      Today 15 months later my H and I are working hard at our relationship. Somedays I feel really happy…others not so much. We celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary yesterday. Its been a long hard year and I can’t honestly say where I will be next year. I hope we are together..that depends alot on his willingness to continue down the positive path to changing that he is on. Myself…I will no longer tolerate the behavior that brought us to this point. I guess that means I am stronger. My self esteem is much better but I have a long way to go.

      So yes….EA do affect your health in a BIG way.

    • SuzieSuffers

      Just like the rest of you….I lost 20lbs. in about a month. My goal weight will be another 10 lbs……not the ideal for losing the weight, but I guess it’s a jump start. Heart palpitations and that sick to your stomach feeling are pretty much daily. Meds to calm to down and put me to sleep….. I’ve given into the sleep thing….if I can’t sleep I read or get my laptop….figure if I really need the sleep I can always take a nap during the day!!! At least for now

    • Anita

      Thank all of you for posting, when I was 41years old, I was only a couple of pounds overweight. However, I have horribe family history.
      My mother died of stroke and my father died of a heart attack both at the age of 52, and 5weeks apart. When I was 41, it was about a year after knowing of my exhusbands affair, and 6
      months before we divorced. I had a heart attack and ended up with a stent. I blamed it all on my family genes. I knew stress was a factor, but now I see it was a bigger factor then I realized. From reading all these other posts, I see how stress can really do some damage.
      I now have to take medications daily to keep me from hopefully
      never having another one again. Plus I had to do a life style change of the types of food I can eat. Every now and then I have something that I shouldn’t, but I pretty much follow better habits.
      But I am a little shocked to see the effects that you have all had.
      Thanks again!

    • roller coaster rider

      Since D-Day 2 and moving out, I have different issues than I had with D-Day 1. Back then, in March, I told H I felt like Japan because it was right after the earthquake/tsunami. I felt completely destroyed, everything was surreal, my heart beat too fast, I felt sick to my stomach and like someone had taken a shotgun to my chest leaving me with a big hole where my heart had been. I also had lots of headaches, but the worst part was the emotions, up and down, as we reunited and I started working in earnest working on our relationship. I ordered at least five books, was on this site multiple times daily, and spent time in prayer and counseling.

      It’s been nearly two months since D-Day 2, and for the first several weeks I couldn’t sleep more than an hour or two at a time. That has improved with time. I still have the hole for a heart feeling sometimes, and I have depression and anger and sadness and sometimes slide into self-pity but I really don’t want to stay there. I am exercising and spending good time with great friends. I have a wonderful, caring support system including married friends who have me for dinner, lots of women who care and I feel like I am getting stronger emotionally, although I know it will be a long road to healing. As I tell my story in various places, I am finding just how common this horrible choice is. I hope I am learning some things that will benefit others.

      • Paula

        Agreed RCR, the huge, gaping hole in your chest is incredibly debilitating, can’t breathe, can’t swallow, etc. Just a little giggle, my OH caught the boils off me somehow, we were being very careful, with surgical scrubs, etc, but he got one whilst out fishing for several days on his head, very sick boy, also on his scrotum, not very nice!

    • Paula

      Yeah, lost 18 kg, didn’t need to lose that much, 10 would have been nice! However, that power I had, I loved, I did it with less eating, and LOTS of exercise (I’m naturally pretty lazy, but do push myself for health, and as a role model for my kids!) I suffered after the 6 month mark for about 9 months, with boils, WTF!!! I had no idea that they could be so debilitating. Very emotional, had 4 lanced in one armpit at once, then a forehead one, then a chin one, then a lip one. That was excrutiating, I have photos that you could barely recognise my face as human, the lip was SO enlarged with pus, no eating, my BFF was traumatised when she saw me, lol! I dealt with it for a couple of days, but one night, at 3am I was in agony, and drove to our nearest A&E – or rather, my OH did, yay him! – about an hour and a half away, and they tried to lance it for about three hours, and couldn’t, lots of cutting, and squeezing, OOOOWWWW. I didn’t realise that these nasty little infections make local anaesthetic almost ineffective, as the nerves are shifted and exposed, it was more painful being injected than having them lanced! The scarring is pretty awesome 🙂 Most pain I’ve ever been in, and I had three natural childbirths,first with some pain relief, second and third at home, with none, with 34 hour labours, etc, I thought I was tough! No, big, fat woosss! I’ve been on anit-d meds, put 7kgs back on in a month, got more depressed, tried three other meds, nothing worked, my strength as a human being has been severely compromised. I’m still here, I’m finally starting to stand strong again, but I will never be the same again.

    • Roller coaster rider

      Paula’s post just reminded me that before D-Day 1 H got shingles and although they are not contagious to someone who has had chicken pox (I had them as a child) I was so freaked out by how horrible the lesions were on H, and then got shingles myself. After D-Day, when we were back together trying to save the marriage, he got boils in various places, and I got some too. I also had a bad infection in one finger that hurt so much I just had to get medical attention, antibiotics, and ended up lancing it myself to escape the pain. I also started losing hair. Wow, what fun!

    • InTrouble

      Roller coaster — I can’t remember, but were both your D Days with the same other woman?

      • Roller coaster rider

        Yes, one and the same. H claims he has now ended the relationship but it is not important to me anymore, as the marriage ended for me the day I found out they were still together. Our adult children (at least some of them) have told their dad that if he sees her again, they want nothing to do with him, so he does have some motivation for no contact now.

        • ifeelsodumb

          Thank God for older children!! LOL!! I think sometimes they can get through when we can’t! Our 2nd oldest son told me I could have his bed room, and he’d bunk with his brothers! He wouldn’t even look at his dad for a whole day…so sad what this does to the children

    • battleborn

      I find this very interesting as it seems everyone lost weight. I went in the other direction. I gained. My comfort, when faced with devastating news, is to eat myself to death. What I couldn’t keep down was replaced with more food. Now I have my doctor yelling at me to lose weight or I will really be in a mess… gee, how much worse can I feel? The weight I can lose at some point, it’s the migraine headaches that are the most troublesome for me. Just when I think they are subsiding, something triggers me and I end up getting more. Does anyone ever notice that people are always trying to help by saying “just relax.”? Ha, as if they would be able to relax if put in our place.

      Oh well, one day at a time or as my stomach tells me, one spoonat a time.

    • Holding On

      My health has taken a hit. I look in the mirror sometimes and think I look like death! I lost 18 lbs in the first 2 months, sort of a positive side effect since I was about 30 lbs overweight at the time. I just had no desire to eat.

      I have a horrible time falling asleep. If my mind is racing, I have to get up and do something. It is maddening to lay there and listen to my H sleeping peaceful. I was very upset with him sleeping, eating, behaving normal after D-Day because my life was anything but normal.

      Constant anxious feelings, butterflies in the stomach, antsy – gotta move feelings.

      Right now I am losing hair like CRAZY. H is too actually. We are a mess of stress. It’s been a few hard months for the both of us.

      Mentally, uggh, the thoughts and triggers and up and down thinking is exhausting. I would love to shut off my mind. I try to read, keep music going, TV, computer, etc. I need the constant distraction from my mind. I do not like the shower and drying my hair and other quiet times where I can get trapped and have to redirect the painful thoughts, memories, emotions.

      Emotionally, I have been a wreck. Depression, hurt, sadness. Soon after D-Day I felt like suicidal feelings. My kids kept me from ever actually doing that. I would never give up on them or leave them with that. But I felt total despair and the physical crushing blow seemed very hard to handle at the time. The past couple of months I have hit a big ANGER stage. I am not an angry person. I grew up with a parent who had issues with anger and it made me very opposite in regards to controlling anger. But this has brought out the anger. Enough that my therapist thinks that maybe I unleashed my “demon” and could become like my childhood to my own family. NOT. So hearing that, I have decided to stop spewing anger. I CAN control it, but I decided that my husband deserved my angry words and he would “get” how upsetting this is for me and how much it changed me by being a screaming banshee mess of a woman who is so mad and hurt and will tell him that LOUDLY. That I would make him suffer in some way like I have suffered. I felt justified in being so mean and horrible. So that ended last week. I still am mad over the situation, but I will not become my past or put my children and family through that. It actually is a release, but it doesn’t help, it only hurts.

      So I feel I am a very unhealthy person at the moment. All of this – the eating and sleeping and even the mental/emotional side has improved in the 4 mo. since D-Day. They are not all consuming any longer and they don’t physically/ mentally “hurt” as much. On my bad days, they can overcome me again. I am also trying to add good things – running, walking, positive thinking, service, etc. to counter act with the damaging things.

      • Broken

        Holding On…I think we all go through that anger stage…dont be so hard on yourself. I went through it too at around 4 months post dday. It started out like they all do…..crushing hurt and pain. That lasted for awhile then a brief period like a “honeymoon” stage but more for him then me. Then the anger hit (which he didnt like) and I wondered had I gone backwards instead of forward? Then I guess I would call it a form of acceptance for the circumstance I found myself in. I actually began to feel good again, actually started to trust again (allthough just a little). I felt alive again…that is until the OW called while my H and I were driving in the car and he then confessed she had called once before. Then that process started all over again. I am 15 months post dday. I think I am once again in the anger/acceptance stage. This time however I will never be in the fool stage. Plus I got to tell the witch what I thought of her….bonus!!! Anyways take care…you will get there eventually. Its a long hard road but whatever the outcome you’ll be stronger for it.

        • Holding On

          Thanks, Broken. Or didn’t you become NotBroken at one point? I appreciate just knowing someone else has felt similar. It is great to hear that maybe past the anger I might get to feeling more accepting and good. My husband has told me a lot that I am not making progress and it seems like I am in a worse place. And I can see his point, because it has become harder for him and us with the anger. But, I am not balled up in the closet crying. The hurt and pain is less. I am not thinking of dying over this. I consider that progress. The anger makes me feel powerful instead of weak and needy with the tears. But it is time to let that anger go and find a better way. It’s a good day today.

          How far out from D-Day did the call and the restart happen for you? And how long ago was that? Good for you in telling her your feelings!

          We will be stronger. Thanks again!

        • ifeelsodumb

          Wow!! You described what I’ve gone through, exactly!! Weird, huh?

      • ifeelsodumb

        It still amazes me how “dumb”(hence the name) I was in the weeks after D Day…I thought I would be over the pain and hurt in just a few weeks…I even told my H three days after D Day “OK, so let’s put this behind us and move on”. Oh boy!!!
        Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t know just what I was in for..I might have given up before I even started!!

    • Emotionally Confused

      I feel like I have really gotten my health back on track since I caught onto the EA. My husband is still in denial that it constitutes an affair. This continues to be a very big problem for me. He says She is just a really nice (and attractive) already married woman that he is helping through her own marital problems with a emotionally abusive husband. Yeah, okay. Classic damsel in distress ploy. I know I always call my (younger!) boss for 1 hour nightly phone conversations about my life and problems like she does. (NOT!) anyway, i was an emotional and physical wreck. Compounded by the problem that I do not have any admittance on his part of his wrong doings and his continuation with the relationship to the point i asked him to leave our home til he is ready to come clean with me and himself and break it off.

      Before I asked him to leave I had stopped eating, lost about 30 lbs (i was overweight anyway), had to start seeing a therapist for anxiety, see a psychiatrist for antidepressant medication, tons more stress since I became a single mother (with a full time job already) as he “went out” with “friends” from work almost every night and at least 50% of the weekend. and stress from finding him on the phone in the middle of the nights and his lies that it was his brother (who confirmed he did not talk to him). I was an emotional and physical wreck with colds, stomach problems, bathroom problems (embarassing but true) and the breaking point. In september I called up my mother in law and confided I was starting to have suicidal thoughts. She is the one who told me I need to ask him to leave for my health. (her and I are very close).

      I call that (d day) since I still don’t have any admitting of wrong. Since D-day, I have still kept the weight off (yeah) and have been eating really healthy. I exercise and take care of myself. Started reguarly get my hair done (before what i didn’t spend on kids went to husband), nails done and enjoy time with my children very much. I keep organized with a clean house and the grass stays cut. My self esteem is up and I haven’t felt this attractive in years. Things are even a bit better between us as his “friendship” is not constantly in my face at home anymore while he is contemplating if he is “still in love with me”.

      Cell phones make things easier for people to have affairs. But, if you are going to have an EA. It is probably a good idea to NOT set a certain ringtone for a text from the OW. That way your wife can know whenever you get a message from her and you text back that you can’t talk right now. Oh, and accidently hit the text to speech button while trying to read a text from OW while your wife is in the room that OW says “she really misses you”. Yeah, him leaving was the better option for my health. So since D-day things have been better for me physically.

    • KF

      I have lost about 30 pounds since I first realized what was going on. I just need to lose another 15 to get to my ideal weight. I had been trying to lose weight but had not had any real luck…..was not planning on losing it this way. My husband says that he doesn’t really think he did anything wrong other than hurt my feelings….He keeps saying he will stop talking/texting/and seeing her, but he has yet to follow through….

      I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and my 3 girls get to witness it all. I try to maintain my composure, but it is so hard sometimes. My 2 1/2 year old is constantly asking me if I’m alright and if daddy is mad at me. He says I am not making this easy on him and he is the one that is off having the EA. I was the one always telling the girls he was at work or working out when I knew he wasn’t really….

      I had Breast cancer almost 3 years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest, and I have had enough emotional turmoil to deal with. He wants me to be friends with his EA, says we would get along well and gets mad because I get upset when she meets him (just coincidence) at the track to run. He has to console her and give her a hug because I hurt her feelings. She doesn’t understand why I don’t like her…..I don’t like her because nobody calls or texts someone else’s husband 200-300 times a day and calls to wake them up in the morning and calls at night when everyone is asleep….but they are just really good friends and she gets him, and ………

      My oncologist said that I needed to lower my stress level. It is affecting my blood pressure and heart…. How do I get my life back….I want my husband and family. without her. I don’t want to take vacations with her and her family (she is married with 3 kids and her husband works for my husband). They live right down the block from us. I am having such a hard time dealing with this. I am rambling, so I’ll stop. Thanks for listening.

    • ifeelsodumb

      KF…well, you’ve had it very rough the last few years! My heart aches for all you are going through…
      Can you give us a little more info on your relationship with your H? Is he at home more than he’s gone, does he discuss his “friendship” with her, openly and honestly? Is HER H OK with all the texting and talking?
      Just from what you have written, your H sounds like a very selfish man…is this true, or am I reading this wrong? Does he sit down and address your concerns or does he just blow you off?
      Do you have anyone to talk to? Can you get into counseling for yourself? Maybe you DR can help you with this..
      Please let us know more, so we can help you..this blog is very therapeutic…let it help you, until you can get the counseling you need…will be praying for you!

      • KF

        He is gone a lot with work/training for his job. We have been apart for probably several years out of the 10 we have been married if you were to add it all up. Our marriage has not been easy, and I get that, but I wish he would have talked to me instead of finding someone else to listen to him. I knew something was wrong, but he would not talk to me. He would come home from work, take a sleeping pill and go to sleep and yell if the kids got too loud. I never had the house clean enough, our kids never did what he thought they should, he never ate meals with us…..He was in a depression from what I could tell and I couldn’t help him……But he found someone who understood him so much better than I ever could. (When the OW and I were friends or still just getting to know each other, she admitted that she was depressed, and I also found out she was bulimic) What a way to feed off of each other. He was going through some sort of midlife crisis, shaving off all his body hair, spending sprees, and working out all the time because he couldn’t get thin enough. While she was basically going through similar issues.

        He finally admitted the other day that what he was doing was wrong. He said nothing physical happened, so it wasn’t cheating, but that they had crossed the line of friendship. He said he was going to stop talking/texting her. Even without admitting that he had done something wrong he has told me several times before that he would stop talking to her…..so my guards are still up. I am trying to trust him, but it is hard. He doesn’t want to talk about it at all. He said he didn’t ever love her, but cared for her very deeply and was never attracted to her. However, I found a note that was passed between the two of them at church of all places.. A lot of the writing was crossed out, but like a crazy person I tried to decipher all of it. She asked why I didn’t wear my wedding rings (they don’t fit due to the weight loss) Who knows what he told her. He wrote that he told me that he cared for her just as a friend and that he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her cuz he needed her to listen to him and that I did not want to share him. She replied “Awwww you touched my heart” and then a lot of back and forth “What do you want” “What do you want” It looked like someone wrote Luv u, but could be my imagination. The first part of the sentence that I could read said “It hurts so much to even think about losing you because I truly, ?, ?, (Luv u)???? Another part of it was in her handwriting that was not crossed out was “I wanna see you tonight, I have my salvation, just need a closer relationship with God”…. Makes me want to laugh…She portrays herself as a religious person who is nice and caring……oh and one of her favorite movies is “Fireproof” which is a Kirk Cameron religious movie with the message of affair proofing your marriage.

        I get so angry when I think about her…..I have never disliked anyone so much. Granted I should be just as angry at my husband, but I see him as just being plain stupid and her as being more calculating??????? I haven’t shown my H the note, but do bring of the phrases on it and have asked him if this OW has said she wanted to see him….My H said a lot of girls would like to see him. He did not deny her ever asking that….I said no normal married person tells someone else’s spouse “I wanna see you tonight”……and then they go meet somewhere unless something else is going on…… He didn’t have a response….

        I haven’t spoken to the OW’s husband, but I have heard from my husband that her H doesn’t care whether they talk/txt or not…..that way her H doesn’t have to talk to her then. Along with other comments I have heard her make about her husband to mine, she isn’t in a happy marriage. She may love him, but isn’t happy. She complains about how they never have enough money, that he is lazy, and how he doesn’t pay any attention to the kids……All this to my husband who is his boss. (I have no idea what is true and what is a lie)

        I think I might have gotten through to my H the other day too, when I asked my H how he would like it if I complained to his boss about him or talked and texted his boss everyday (early in the morning and at night before bed). I am sure his boss’s wife would not look to kindly on me. None of my friends would appreciate this. I would never consider doing this. Yet to my H and his OW they justify it as being appropriate……..errrrrrrrg

        Several times supposedly the OW has threatened to contact my husband’s boss because I haven’t been nice to her. I avoid her at all costs if that is considered being mean then I guess it is. I told my husband to go ahead and let her…..that it really didn’t concern me at all unless his boss wanted to ask me what was going on. I would gladly fill him in……nothing ever came of it. I don’t really want my H to lose his job, which could be a possibility if everything hits the fan, but I will not lie.

        My H will not go to counseling, because he doesn’t want to bare his soul to someone else or have them tell him he did something wrong. I have talked to him about going to get counseling for myself, which is also another reason I think he is starting to see what this whole thing is doing to us. Also because of the weight loss he has said that the way I look makes him want to choose me over her. So I guess if I gain the weight back he won’t want me any more then?…..I don’t know…so exhausted with the whole situation. He appears to have become more selfish and shallow than I ever realized, but thank you for all the thoughts, words, and prayers. I pray every night that we will get through this. I am rambling, but it is therapeutic.

        • Notoverit

          Hey KF, study up on mannerisms and eye movement about people lying (plenty of articles on the web about it). Then have a relaxing conversation with him about nothing important. Ask him some questions that you already know the answers to watching his mannerisms and eyes to confirm. Then a few days later, get him relaxed with a non-threatening conversation – then hit him with a few of the affair questions you have (maybe quoting the note). You can tell if he’s lying if you do your homework. I caught my husband in quite a few that he is now wondering how I knew he was lying. LOL I think all of us BSs are smarter and should us this method. Give it a try.

    • voice

      Total loss of apatite. Where I had been successfully committed to quitting smoking for the last two months, I found my self in a two pack a day habit where my original habit was one. My hands shook and one big thing was a severe lack of focus which really hurt at work.

    • cal

      Wow. I have so much in common with those here. I found out 10 days ago, and have never felt physically worse in my life, not even when my mom died. Haven’t been sleeping or eating and have been feeling terribly stressed and anxious. I went to my doctor yesterday because my ears have been ringing for over a week. Turns out my blood pressure has jumped up 50 points since my last visit. The doctor was very concerned; when I told her all that was going on, she gave me Xanax in addition to blood pressure meds. I told my husband that, that if he could just answer my question (I’m trying to piece together when it all began from his evasive and inconsistent answers) and he sat there like a stone. I asked if he’d rather see me have an aneurysm than tell me the truth and he finally started talking about it. Not that I am sure of the veracity of his words any more.
      The sad thing is, we already have health issues to deal with…he has cancer. It’s serious, if the chemo he just started doesn’t work, he could die. He has no job and is on my insurance. We only have one working vehicle. As much as I need help, I have had to look after him this week. He’s been in the house, hiding out in the garage while I am home, sleeping in an empty bedroom. Now he is in the next state over at his mom’s till the next round of chemo. I wish he could have left earlier but he had nowhere to go.
      At least now I feel more at peace. I pray I start sleeping now, because I am tired of blanking out and screwing up royally at work. I wish I could take some time off but it’s not possible. At least I have started counseling; I can really see that helping a lot. Sorry this is a jumble of thoughts, but that is how my brain is working these days.

    • Broken

      cal..
      Welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of. This website is very helpful because we all share something in common and can help you just because of that. You have a unique set of circumstances with your husbands illness but the incredible, devastating early days of EA discovery are very tough. Its not uncommon to not eat, sleep feel crazy and spaced out,,,,you were wise to visit your doctor. This is a very long process and you have only just begun. Right now as hard as it is you need to take care of you. Read all that you can find on the subject…., come here for support. Dont try and push it to hard right now. Your husband owes you answers to every question you have for as long as you want to ask them but it seems like he is dealing with some pretty serious health issues as well. Chances are he wouldnt talk because he was busted. The only way to survive this successfully is for him to admit the affair, have no contact with the OW, be completely transparent to you, and be truely sorry, He may not even be at the 1st step. So right now just know this is a long process with many rough days ahead but it can be done. Just live minute to minute right now and try to take care of your own needs. It pains me to read when a new affair discovery occurs as I can still feel it like it was yesterday but for me its been 18 months. Hand in there…lots of great people here so come back and read, vent,,,whatever you need.

    • cal

      Thank you, broken. I am finding this site helpful and am encouraged that whatever happens to the marriage, it is possible for me to heal.

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