emotional affair journey

We’ve reached a bit of a milestone here at Emotional Affair Journey…

This is post number 1000!

Almost 6 years.  About 800,000 words.  Over 33,000 comments.  Over 6 million page views.  Wow!

Who da thunk it?

Never in a million years did we think we’d still have this site after almost 6 years.  And to be quite honest, the only reason is because of you. 

Every day we see (and hear) the tremendous pain, suffering and uncertainty that infidelity brings to individuals and marriages.  And that motivates us to continue to try and offer blog posts, reports, guides, and programs that can help people to survive these tough times.

And by no means have we been able to do this all by ourselves.  We’ve had tremendous support from  our readers, guest posters, Sarah P., Bob Huizenga and many, many more wonderfully beautiful people – too many to list.

Where the Heck Have We Been?

With that said, we realize it’s been awhile since either of us have written a post – since March 22, to be exact.  (Boy time flies) We simply wanted to take a short break from writing – not knowing that short break would somehow turn into 5 months!

But it’s not as if we haven’t been doing anything.  Instead we’ve been focused on mentoring, some other work projects and some time-intensive personal issues. 

The personal issues are primarily the constant care of Linda’s parents.  They are both in their mid-eighties, still live in their home and are getting to the point where if anything small goes wrong,  to them it’s a major crisis. 

The fact that her dad has dementia and her mom isn’t handling it very well, means that we are both constantly at their house taking care of stuff – cleaning their house, cutting their grass, taking them to doctor appointments, giving them a break from one another, etc.

See also  A Little Journey Towards Affair Recovery and Healing

It’s sad to see her dad these days.  His physical health is pretty darn good but his mental capacity deteriorates at a constant rate.  Here’s a man who used to be able to build, repair or maintain just about anything, but now needs one of us to come over to flip a breaker switch for him.

Anyways, we do what we have to do!

A Big Change for Us

Another thing that has happened to us over the last few months is we’ve become RVers.  (Well Trailer-ers to be exact).  After 35 years of tent camping and backpacking, we bit the bullet and bought a 24-foot trailer. And we love it!  We are now officially spoiled. No more setting up and breaking down camp every time we want to travel somewhere new.  No more stumbling to the bathroom or the nearest tree at 2AM.  No more air mattresses that deflate in the middle of the night.  No more getting soaked when unexpected storms hit.  Nope.  Instead, bring on the queen sized bed, the shower, the kitchen and …air conditioning!!!  Oh, and the TV, fridge and microwave are cool too.

Since purchasing it in mid- April, we’ve already spent about 29 days in it, which included a wonderful 2-week trip to Colorado and Utah with our daughters.  Our plan is to use it regularly and even work from it during the summer months while on the road somewhere.

Some Upcoming Site Changes

After our site has been down twice in 30 days for multiple hours due to hosting issues, we’ve decided to change hosting providers.  So, we will be making that change here in the very near future.  Hopefully, the migration to a new server will go well and not cause any additional outages. The only differences we’re hoping to see are faster site load times and no outages!  However, our somewhat limited webmaster experiences have shown us that there are always hiccups when trying to make site changes and we certainly expect something will go screwy this time as well.

See also  Journey to Trust: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair (it’s coming…)

So if something looks funny or something that was previously there, is no longer there, now you know why.  (Crossing our fingers nothing happens!)

We also have a couple of things in the works with respect to the site content.  Namely, working on better site and content organization and introducing a new category/emphasis on self-improvement and empowerment.

You should notice these changes slowly over time though – not in one fell swoop.

We Could Use Your Help!

As part of a new project we’re working on with Sarah P. we’re looking for some real life stories in several different categories:

1) Female betrayed spouses who salvaged their marriage

2) Male betrayed spouses who salvaged their marriage

3) Female betrayed spouses who were not able to save their marriage

4) Male betrayed spouses who were not able to save their marriage

5) Female cheaters – why they did it and how it turned out

6) Male cheaters – why they did it and how it turned out

7) A married couple that began as affair partners

So if you want to help us out and share your story, you can write it up and send it to us using our contact form link.  Of course everything will be held in the strictest of confidence and privacy, and no real names will be used or announced in any way. 

Additionally, we need ideas for topics…What articles do you want to see more of and why? What psychology questions do you want to explore? What personal stories do you want from us? What questions do you  have of us? How can the blog be more helpful for you from a recovery standpoint?  If you have some ideas you can share them in the comment section.

See also  Hey, What’s Going On With Your Brother In Law?

On with the 1000th Post Stuff Already…

On our site we have Google Analytics tracking code implemented which tells us a lot about reader activity and such.  We thought it would be appropriate for this 1000th post to look and see what the top ten most viewed articles have been since day one.  Here they are:

Top 10 Viewed Articles of All Time According to Google

Cheating Spouses – 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won’t Last

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife

Emotional Affair Signs

It’s Tough To Stop an Emotional Affair

When Affair Partners Marry: 9 Reasons Why They Might Fail

How it All Started

Getting Over an Affair: Dealing With Affair Withdrawal

Affair Recovery and the 7 Stages of Grief

Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret?

Real Reasons the Emotional Affair Happened

 

Six of Our Personal Favorites

My ‘Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda’ List

Stupid Things Said While in an Affair

My Letter to the OP After the Emotional Affair

Why Cheating Men (and Women) are Assholes and How They Can Become Less of an Asshole

Recovery and Trust After an Affair – Trusting the Rope

10 Elements of a Successful Marriage (How We Survived Two Weeks of Vacation Together)

 

So with that, we will bring this monumental occasion to a close.  Again, we thank all of you for your support over the years.  And who knows…we may be doing this again for our 2000th post!

If you have a favorite post, feel free to mention it in the comments section. 

 

    37 replies to "Our 1000th Post!"

    • Marionsnous

      Whouaaa, 1000 posts, that’s a lot of infos and work (espacially with long articles) !
      Congratulations !

    • Patsy50

      Congrats are in order! Linda and Doug. And thank you for this site It has helped me in so many ways along my journey these past five years. Again congrats and thank you

      • Doug

        Patsy, thank you! I know you’re one of the ‘old-timers’ who has been popping in for almost the entire time we’ve had this site. We appreciate you and your contributions!

    • TheFirstWife

      Thank you thank you thank you.

      Would not have survived this without you. A good friend gave me this site and it helped tremendously.

      I could say a little (or a lot) and people here would understand completely. No explanations needed.

      At a period of time when I was ready to leave him (post affair) because of the continued lying, this site and my wonderful therapist helped me hang in.

      So I thank everyone for sharing and caring.

      • Doug

        Thank you TFW…For the kind words and for all of your helpful and supporting contributions and advice that you serve out to others. We do appreciate it.

    • Sam

      Congratulations – Thank you, this site and blog has been very helpful to me in the past few months; I wouldn’t be in (‘somewhat’) a better place, thanks to people on here, particually “Sarah.P” and “TheFirstWife”…

      Anyway, an small update: – my dad keeps driving past our house and looking onto our drive, when going to and from gardening jobs, why does he keep checking up on us? I caught him from our kitchen, (he doesn’t think I saw him) but I did indeed…. why does he keep doing this!?!?

      • TheFirstWife

        Sam. There could be a million reasons. I don’t think they are very important at this time.

        Is he wishing he could come back home? Possibly.

        Is he hoping one of you 3 might be outside so he can stop and chat? Maybe.

        Maybe he is a coward and cannot find the guts to correct the situation. Maybe he is too aftaid to ask to come back home.

        Maybe he is afraid to ask b/c he knows the answer may be “hell no” or “not right now” or “when you are sober and clean and straightened yourself out then we can talk”.

        It appears he is looking for something from your family.

        I suggest you have a family plan in place. If your mom wants to take him back and your sibling wants no part of him, that is a recipe for disaster. If you have a plan in place it avoids your dad manipulating any one of you to get what he wants.

        It would be a disaster if he comes back to your house and you choose not to speak to him.

        Have a plan. What does your family want? How can the family reunite? Doesn’t mean live together but be a family. Spend time together.

        He clearly wants something. Have you asked your mom? Maybe she has some idea.

        • Sam

          “Is he wishing he could come back home?”
          “Maybe he is a coward and cannot find the guts to correct the situation. Maybe he is too aftaid to ask to come back home.”

          To be honest, I think it is a combination of these two: – I think he has realised that the OW is a waste, and I think he is starting to realise what he is potentially giving up for her, and if not then this will surface down the road in their relationship (a good wife, house, kids, pet, etc…), and he will find out that she will not be able to give everything he needs: which he admitted when he left; saying “I know I will not have a good standard of living with her and her family”, which I think is getting to him alot now. Me and my brother think that he is working like a maniac so he doesn’t have to be around her kids and house at the moment, and it is now officially September 1st, that means Summer is coming to a close, meaning that his work will be folding for the wintertime… and he has said he cannot stand it in her tiny little house; which is what he will be doing in the winter months when he has no work on. I thnk then he will be offering to come around do jobs on our house, so he is not around her and kids…. that is I think the time when he will flip into a grumpy, miserable, insulting old man infront of her, and she will be thinking why am I with this stupid oldman!

          • Sarah P.

            Hi Sam,

            I think that everything you are saying is correct. From all outside accounts, your dad certainly wants to make contact with your family and he is going about it rather sheepishly. I am sure a part of him us looking for an escape plan.

            Maybe he will develop the insight one day that if he is unhappy or stressed, it might be time to start looking inward. He tried using an affair to solve his problems but has realized once the “shine” has worn off the fools gold, that “all that glitters is not gold” and certainly he chose fool’s gold in this case. At the end of the day, each of us must live with ourselves. Hidden depression might cause someone to look outside of themselves to gain happiness but the depression always comes back. It seems to me he was trying to self-medicate with am affair. I could be wrong though.

            I am really glad that you are brave and putting on a strong front with your Mum. She needs you right now.

            I think this story with your dad has many more chapters and I hope that one day he starts to look inward. I also hope that he develops gratitude for the wonderful family that he ALREADY has.

            My best to you, Sam.

            Sarah

            • Sam

              My mother ask him if he intends to stay witn the OW: and he said: “Erm… well, yeah” – not very convincingly at all, and when [we] ask him if he enjoys it in her house he says: “well, it’s not ideal”!!! He says he still loves my mum (if the OW heard this, she’d be thinking, why is he saying that?) I told him a lie and said that his OW was calling me to see where he was (and she wasn’t), and it looked like someone had just pointed a gun in his face – so obviously he isn’t telling the OW that he is coming around to our house, and if she found out it would probably make her jealous and very insecure.

            • TheFirstWife

              Oh my word you just cannot make this stuff up.

              Do your cheating dad is coming around your house for what reason??

              He clearly doesn’t want to come back – as evidenced by his words (staying with OW).

              I am glad you called him on it – you caught him like a deer in the headlights. His scared look told you everything you need to know.

              He is being a cheater in ALL his relationships. He is lying to your mom, the OW (though who cares about her) and his children.

              I hope your mom sees him for exactly what he is – an untrustworthy lying cheating man.

              He is clearly out for himself and nothing else.

              I don’t know what the laws are in your country regarding divorce. But your mom should be trying to get what she deserves from him – financial support and his life insurance proceeds (upon his death) and health insurance coverage for as long as she can and ownership of your house.

              She should threaten him with not filing taxes or whatever she can to get what she deserves.

              And then she should move on past this she’ll of a man and create a happier life for you and your brother and for her.

              I hate to say it but this guy is beyond help. He is beyond pity or sympathy.

            • Sam

              “He clearly doesn’t want to come back – as evidenced by his words (staying with OW).”

              I think deep down he does want to come back deep down, but he is secretly afraid to admit it, hense why he keeps coming around and asking for ‘me’, my brother’s ‘new phone number’, and keeps saying he loves my mom – so that there is a place for him to come home to.

              “I am glad you called him on it – you caught him like a deer in the headlights. His scared look told you everything you need to know”.

              He’s lied to her twice, once on this occasion, then before when he left her without telling her, not going back or having any contact with her for two and a half months.

              “I don’t know what the laws are in your country regarding divorce. But your mom should be trying to get what she deserves from him – financial support and his life insurance proceeds (upon his death) and health insurance coverage for as long as she can and ownership of your house.”

              He says that he doesn’t want a divoce (wether the OW knows this I doubt), and that he isn’t willing to pay for financial support (though he said he will pay for our bills: I don’t think OW knows this at all). My mum has filed for divorce, etc… but it is still pending on his side, as he never responds (and hasn’t done anything for three months) – He says he doesn’t want to get divorced, or take his name off of this house. I don’t know if there is a way to force someone to do it.

            • Sarah P.

              Hi Sam,

              I am going to back up and try to put myself in your dad’s shoes to try to figure out what is going on with him. Obviously, your dad and your family mean A LOT to you even if your dad is carrying on his current indiscretions. I know it’s also probably important for you to try to have some insight into why he is flip-flopping back and forth.

              Let’s first look at what he does. Since he isn’t responding to the divorce request, it is apparent that he is not ready to go as far as a divorce. Why? I do not know. There could be a myriad of reasons such as: the finality of the decision, the economic and emotional turmoil, the overall assets, the division of assets, or it could be that he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

              You mentioned in the past that your mum has MS and I would like to know how far the disease has progressed and her prognosis. While it is NOT the right thing to do, some people simply are not courageous enough to stand alongside a spouse with a chronic disease. In fact, it is the wrong thing to bolt off like a frightened horse in these cases. But, your dad is acting like someone who is definitely in the affair fog and someone who is running from something. Personally, I do NOT believe the OW makes him happy but she serves as some form of escape. I do think he is self-medicating with an affair, but I could be wrong. I do not think anyone could make your dad happy because he is dealing with an internal struggle. I think part of him knows this and this is why he hesitates to divorce and still says he loves your mom.

              Here is an interesting finding. When people leave their first marriage because they are unhappy in it and believe a second marriage will make them happier, it has been found that 5 years after the second marriage the people report identical happiness or non-happiness levels as they had in the first marriage. The second marriage fares no better than the first.

              I think this is why many men don’t leave their lives over the long run. The shine of the affair starts to wear off and when it does they go back to their innate happiness (or unhappiness) level. The affair can only be entertaining for so long and I think affairs have a max shelf life of three years and even that is a high estimate. This is my observation based on the idea that research has found many affairs last UNDER 2 years. Two years is how long is takes for all of those excitement neurochemicals to wear off and reality to set in. Give it time and the shine almost always comes off the affair partner.

              Your dad’s behavior tells me that somewhere deep inside of himself he knows all of this and yet he is stuck in this limbo. It sounds like he doesn’t have the tools to deal with his emotions, reactions, behaviors, and he is clueless as to how he could rebuild if he one day wanted to rebuild.

              My answer is not meant to imply false hope. Your dad is in a tumultuous situation and is behaving erratically. There is no telling which way he will go, even if he has insight. Pride or fear alone might keep him from coming home. I am going to guess that even he does not know what he wants right now.

              What was he like as a dad before all of this happened? Did your mum and dad get on well? What was his reaction to your mum’s condition? Was he an involved dad or distant? Was there any heavy drinking present or something of that nature? What about his view of himself?

              Stephen Covey says that someone’s past behavior determines their future behavior (unless they have insight and the tools to change.) So perhaps his past behavior contains clues.

            • Sam

              I don’t know what stage my mum’s MS is at, ‘progressive’ I think she has said in the past, she can walk, but with a walking stick, out and about places in public.

              My mum and dad got on great… I was only since he met ‘the whore’ OW since he’s changed. He started drinking heavily for 2-5 hours a night, coming back in the morning most nights.

            • Sarah P.

              When did the OW enter the picture and how did it happen? How long ago did he start the affair and how long has he been out of the house?

            • Sam

              Some point in 2015, he’s only known her for over a year. She was our tennat who lives in he house that we rent out to people. If I could I would kick her and her brat kids out of it. Affair has lasted for about almost a year. When he first annouced it, he only lasted about four weeks; just because the New Year of 2016, he had this idea to go away to another city for the weekend with me, my brother and mother (only telling the OW he was going with me and my brother), lying to her that my mother wasn’t coming along and dumped her that week without even telling her and she went psycho, texting him calling him a “bastard”… shows what kind of woman she is really…

              Since he left the OW last time, he has been there seven months now. I think the Honeynoon phase is ending now though. He now appears completely ‘unhappy’ and ‘miserable’ with her and I think he is seeing her for what she is: ‘a loser’ and a ‘lowlife hoe’… hense why he is trying to come around all of the time, and wants my brother’s number!!!

            • Strengthrequired

              Hope this helps Sam.

              https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-marriage/

              I think I remember you saying that your in the UK.

      • Doug

        HI Sam. Thank you very much and I’m glad that the blog and the community here at EAJ has been helpful for you.

    • TryingHard

      Congrats Doug and Linda. You run a great blog. EAJ and my therapist have saved my life.

      Congrats on the new RV. How fun and yes way better than tents. Lol my idea of camping is if my hotel room has a view of trees!!!! We rented an RV once last fall. The operative word being ONCE ?
      Wishing you both happiness and much future success

      • Doug

        Thanks TH. We sure appreciate all of your contributions and support over the years. We’ve had the pleasure of seeing many remote and beautiful places that we never could have seen if not for our trusty tent and backpacks (and our legs). You really should try it at least once.

    • Falling Ash

      Thank you so much. I have honestly read every single one of those 1000 posts and most of the comments too. Your website literally saved my sanity at a time when my life was falling apart. I am much further on in my journey because of it, and my OH is no longer a selfish a$$hole more to the point. Thank you from the bottom of my slowly mending heart. X

      • Doug

        Hi Falling Ash, thanks for the kind words and it’s great to read that this site and it’s readers have helped you on your journey!

    • Eyeswideopen

      Congrats! Your wonderful, beautiful, heartbreaking at times site, as helped me get through some of the toughest moments in my life! I had found your site at a time when my world felt so small and that it seemed I was all alone. Until “IT” happens to you, you really have no idea what to do, or how you can go on. All you know is that you are in the worst pain of your life, and there seems as though there is no way back. Your site changed that all for me. To have been able to see and read about others going through pretty much the same heartbreak as you, made me feel somewhat normal. And at a time when I felt anything but normal, it was a lifesaver. I have read every single post and mostly every comment thru-out my painful journey. Most times not contributing a single word, but the relief and knowledge I gained were, and still are, what has gotten me through. I thank you both, and everyone here for helping me at a time when quite honestly, I didn’t think id make it through another day. It will be 5 yrs this October, when the world I thought I knew came to a screeching halt. I can honestly say, I am in a much better place now. I wish that no one would ever have to go through the pain and heartbreak that Infidelity creates, but If they do, I hope they too, find your amazing site, and with that, know they aren’t alone.
      Thank you just doesn’t seem enough!

      • Doug

        Eyes, Boy, thank you so much for the kind words. It is great to read how this site and it’s readers have helped so much in your healing and recovery. That means a lot to us!

      • Shifting Impressions

        Eyeswideopen
        I feel like I could have written this word for word but not nearly as eloquently as you have.

    • TryingHard

      Hi Sam
      I haven’t chimed in much as others have been giving you great advice.

      Two things. 1. No your father has not lied twice. He’s lied many many more times. Cheaters lie constantly.

      2. It doesn’t make any difference what he wants or doesn’t want. Of course he died t want a divorce. He wants things his way. You and your mom at home waiting for him to grace you guys occasionally with his presence. He wants his girlfriend AND his family. It’s called having your cake and eating it too. He doesn’t want to have to give up half his assets and in all lollipops he’s hiding assets while your mom vacillates between filing and not for divorce.

      It doesn’t matter what GE wants. The courts will decide. He likes playing pupetmaster with everyone. Ow included. He’s acting despicably and irresponsibility. The only time he will come to his senses, if indeed at all or ever, is when he is in the brink of losing everything.

      I’m sorry you have such an insensitive jerk for a father. I hope your mom has a bad ass attorney and gets everything that is hers and yours rightfully.

      Hang in there kid. This is really your parents problem. I hate it they’ve made it yours. You should be out making your own life not dealing with your parents problems. Hugs to you and your brother

    • TryingHard

      Lol. Don’t know what’s up with autocorrect. It was Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. And not lollipops–it’s in all likelihood he’s hiding assets….

    • Lynsey

      Doug & Linda, for nearly 5 years I have clung to this website for hope, help & inspiration in the darkest of times. When I was at my lowest point several years ago, Doug took the time to respond to one of my posts. Anyone remember LOAF (iivingonafence)? Her tough love” stance was also a big help to me. This site, and all the people who contribute are what helped me through the worst years of my life. It’s still a struggle, but I can come here anytime and not feel so alone. Thank you all.

      • Doug

        Hey Lynsey, Thanks for the kind words about the site – and yes, I sure remember LOAF. Her words helped a lot of folks. Take care and keep plugging away!

    • TryingHard

      Lynsey–for what it’s worth I remember you. How are you?

    • Lynsey

      Hi TryingHard, I remember you too. Things are OK here. My H and I are still married, and as far as I know he has not cheated since the 2nd DDay, but I hate the fact that I can never be 100% sure, and can’t forget all those things that he said and did during the affair fog. I’m not as relaxed as I once was, but hey, this EA changed me, and not all for the better. (no trust in anyone, etc), although I now know that one more slip up by my H and he is out of here.
      How are you. TH?

      • TryingHard

        Hi Lynsey

        I know it’s hard and we so want to trust and forgive. I’ve quit putting pressure on myself to do those things. I keep working and TryingHard to do the right thing for me and my family and my marriage. I take it one day at a time.

        No I do not trust anyone. I’m working on trusting myself and little by little I’m learning to trust others. Trust is something that’s earned not given. And my husband is doing a lot to earn my trust I’m five years out so time and therapy are helping. But there is so much else besides his affair that are challenges for us. Jeez I thought getting older meant things were supposed to be settled and easier 🙂

        Yes of course it goes without saying and I’ve said it a million times. Any kind of disrespect and I’m out. No more. I’d rather be alone.

        You take care and I’m so happy to hear you and your husband are hanging in there. Hugs

    • Rachel

      Congratulations Doug and Linda. Your site is wonderful and so are you!!!
      You have gotten through some of my darkest days and help me deal and keep my head above water.
      I am so blessed to have all of you in my life! : )

      • Doug

        Thanks so much Rachel! You’re not bad yourself 😉

    • Pushing Forward

      Wow! Congrats Doug and Linda! I’ve only posted once and I guess this is my 2nd post now, but I do read a lot. This site has helped saved my sanity after my husband’s EA. Reading the articles, the comments, and knowing that I am not alone in any of this has helped tremendously. Thank you for the bottom of my heart for having a site like this (although I wish none of us had to go through this crap). It’s been a little over 2 years for us, and I have to say things are going a lot better. Thankfully we were able to move to a different state for a better job opportunity so miss pond scum was left behind. No contact, no nothing. I’m sure that burns her bubbles. Personally, neither one of us care. Hope everyone has a blessed day. 🙂

      • Doug

        Thanks so much, PF. It’s good to read that things are going better for you and your marriage. Keep it up!

        • Pushing Foward

          You are welcome, Doug! And thank you so much for the vote of encouragement! I really appreciate it!

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