Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #27

It’s actually been since mid-January that we’ve had an open discussion.  So, we thought it’s a good time for Open Mic #27 !  

In case you didn’t know, or are a new reader, this is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  Anyways, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (It would be nice to hear some of these!)
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

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35 Responses to Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #27

  1. Doug May 2, 2017 at 10:19 am #

    We received this Google Alert today touting a new affair app:

    LOS ANGELES, May 1, 2017 /PRNewswire-iReach/ — If you don’t want to get caught looking for an affair, then AffairD, promises to save you from all the kinds of extramarital dating troubles that are common to other dating apps. The app, which is, Tinder for extramarital affairs is all set to deliver the married people a new way to date and have casual encounters, said Brian, the cofounder of AffairD.

    Brian, the cofounder of AffairD noticed that literally every single person has signed up for Tinder these days. One of his married friends signed up for Tinder, he usually got ignored if his profiles rightfully mention his marital status. It doesn’t end here, his peer faced serious issues with finding like-minded people on Tinder when they were matched with users who were looking for long-term relationships. The most important thing is that his peer’s family member saw his profile on Tinder and informed his wife.

    According to a survey, 30% of Tinder users are married, while another 12% are in a relationship. 54% classed them as single, while 3% are divorced or widowed. “Well, you simply get ignored or busted on general dating app, but AffairD is the app that provides you a dedicated platform for extramarital affairs. It’s everything Tinder style app, but only for extramarital affairs,” Brian says.

    Having an affair is not something wrong, especially for married men and women who are trapped in a loveless or hopeless marriage, looking to have extramarital affairs in the most discreet way, “There shouldn’t be any judgement since life is hard for these people. On AffairD, our members are all like-minded and there is no worry while looking for new partners and casual encounters because we are designed for these people and their privacy means everything for us. ” Said Brian.

    AffairD is a discrete and low-profile hookup app for married people; it’s everything that you need to find quick and easy dates for casual fun. Both iOS and Android app official launched, please visit the App Store and Google Play Store.

    ************
    You can read the original article here: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/affaird-app-extramarital-affairs-192100592.html

    The fact that an app like this even exists is ridiculous, but to say that “Having an affair is not something wrong…” is just plain insane.

    • TheFirstWife May 3, 2017 at 9:50 am #

      The sad part is that regarding emotional affsirs, the cheater doesn’t think there is anything wrong with their behavior because there is no sex involved.

      and that is the battle the betrayed spouse/partner faces – getting the cheating partner to grasp the concept IT IS CHEATING!!

  2. Tired May 2, 2017 at 10:56 am #

    What a bunch of crap. You marry someone no matter what. You can come up with a bunch of excuses. But the bottom line is that if you have made that promise and renege on it, you’re a dirt bag

  3. Shifting Impressions May 2, 2017 at 3:07 pm #

    Oh my….no worries for these poor misunderstood souls….lets just make it easier for them…after all doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy. As long as no one finds out, what harm could there possibly be.

    Well, they will probably be found out because the truth has a way of coming out. And yes the magnitude of the destruction they unleash will shock them to the very core. Yes, just one bite of the apple….what harm could it possibly do?

    Sites like this just entice people, by giving them that extra push and telling them there’s no harm. No mention of the harm they are doing to their partners and children.

    And the creators of such sites would have us believe they are doing a “good thing”. They must be delusional. I just hate that they are so good at selling their wares.

  4. TheFirstWife May 2, 2017 at 9:16 pm #

    I cannot see any of the comments. Server error?

    • Doug May 3, 2017 at 9:14 am #

      I’m not sure if there was a server errror last night when you left your comment as I wasn’t on my computer. However, I see the comments now, and I’ve tested it in another browser and see them on it as well. If you cannot see them in the future, try refreshing your browser and/or clearing your browser cache. Thanks TFW!

  5. Tired May 4, 2017 at 10:08 am #

    I think the bottom line is that there is no excuse.

  6. TryingHard May 4, 2017 at 11:27 am #

    This crap is so low brow and tacky!! I’ve been dealing with this troll who used to work for me. Not only was she a troll she was totally uncompentent which is why she was fired. The “excuse” just to get her out was lack of work. She had a propensity to cry at work. She was totally intimidated by me, her boss, and rarely spoke to me. Which I liked. She didn’t work directly but I signed her paycheck!! I disliked and mistrusted her from the beginning. I only wish it were I who fired her mangy ass. As it turned out her supervisor fired her.

    So as it goes once an employee is gone all the cockroaches that were part of her existence came out. It seems she used my business as her personal sex site. Yes she has a pornograpy blog to which she attached thru her drop box to send financial information to my customers. They had access to everything at her site which included videos of her masturbating!!! Nice right. She also was having indiscriminate sex with other employees. Used the company email to carry on a sexting affair with a vendor.

    Now when I say she was a troll that is giving a bad name to trolls. This woman stunk!! I mean she smelled repulsive. No one dared use the bathroom after her. She was divorced and the oddest woman by far that I have ever encountered. How any man with any sense of site or smell came within 5 feet of her is beyond me. And yet she was having sex with a man 25 her junior. He has a darling smart girlfriend and used this sack of pathetic for sexual gratification. The whole idea and knowledge of this stuff makes me want to fumigate my office.

    We all should just face and accept this world is full of cockroaches disguised as humans. They are gross, disgusting ill bred people. They are beneath contempt. I have no use for any of them. I don’t even want to know about them. And yet we need to because in most cases they are working in the cubicle right next to us.

    People listen to your red flags. Listen to your gut. I wish I would have because stinky troll shank would have been fired after the first 30 days she started. Again I had someone putting my financial well being working for me. I have such disgust for her. And coincidentally I got a call for a reference from a potential employer for her. Yeah that was fun!!!

    So yeah sign up would be married cheaters and I guarantee stinky ex employee troll woman is there just waiting for you with open arms. May I suggest you get a gas mask first!!!

  7. Shifting Impressions May 4, 2017 at 12:54 pm #

    TryingHard, what a nightmare!!!
    I think your point about listening to your redflags is so important, It’s amazing what our gut will tell us.

    Not every other woman or other man for that matter is an obvious predator. They can come disguised as someone of character and class. In my case everyone thinks the OW is amazing and wonderful. I know better.

    When your gut tells you something doesn’t quite “feel” right…..become vigilant, because something probably isn’t right.

  8. Shifting Impressions May 4, 2017 at 12:56 pm #

    I just wonder how the creators of such sites sleep at night. Encouraging people to cheat….how low is that!!!

    • Doug May 4, 2017 at 1:21 pm #

      I think the money they make probably helps them afford more sleeping pills!

  9. TryingHard May 4, 2017 at 2:06 pm #

    SI–From an business owner POV and HR POV and someone who has dealt with cheating, this has been an unbelievable experience. The problem was her emails were forwarded to other staff. So I had employees opening her emails and seeing sexting emails complete with videos of her and her mail partner. I have had to bring in Harassment specialists to address the issue with my management and employees. I can be sued if the employees feel I don’t take this crap seriously. She also compromised other employees by sending pictures of them to this vendor and discussing their physical attributes and possibilities of being future sex participants. I’m telling you it goes on and on!

    I trusted my senior management who recognized that the woman was odd, although he was completely unaware how “odd” she was, but thought she had a skill set we needed. I let her odd behavior ride due to her perceived skill set. The red flags and sirens were blaring around her. But my last idea was she was some kind of sexual pervert. The first week she started work she texted my husband on a Saturday morning wanting to know if he was going to the office. He didn’t know who it was so he handed me the phone and asked me to deal with it. I sent back a “who is this” text and she said her name. We called her together as we were in the car. He asked her why she wanted to come in and that no we were not going to the office that day and we didn’t want her to go in either. She became insistent in the following weeks about working on the weekends and was always asking him if he was coming in. Finally I told her she was NOT allowed to come in on the weekends and she was to stop asking him to “let her know” if he was coming in. Personally, I think she knew his history. She comes from the same industry as we are in and well rumors spread quickly. I think initially she was testing the waters with him. When she saw I was here everyday and had no access to him she moved on.

    I wish I could portray my conversation with the vendors boss. Totally embarrassing. I had to send him an email addressing the issue I was so mortified I could not call him. Well he called me and we both stuttered and stammered and were completely humiliated to have to talk about this crap. LOL he told me he had to read me email three times!

    Here’s what I don’t get. Don’t people have enough to deal with in real life without making problems for themselves?? Don’t they have better things to do with their time other than signing up for tacky dating sites?? Can they not see that doing this will not end well because it never does?

    It’s disgusting and I am disgusted and I’m thinking a remote island in the South Pacific away and segregated from humanity might be my only option to keeping my sanity.

  10. Layla May 4, 2017 at 9:15 pm #

    I’m pretty new to this blog. It’s my first post to make. My husband had an emotional affair just over two years ago that lasted about three months. What a whirlwind. We’ve got our own “blog” I feel I could write out someday. I didn’t know a person could hurt so deeply, that at times it’s as if I could feel my heart physically broken. Anyway, it happens to be D-Days for me(first few weeks of May suck for various reason).. he and I have healed so much and he has done everything possible to restore trust etc. but I keep coming to a dilima or wall so to speak. It’s this: I feel like a boring wife. I know I’m not a boring person, but to put it this way. It’s as if my husband had an 07 mustang. He “drove” me around for seven years, and then…along came this new 2017 convertible. After test driving that horse shit (pardon me), why would he ever find me exciting to drive again? I feel stuck in these feelings and that’s the best I know how to describe it. Thanks for any experienced words. I truly value this site

    • TheFirstWife May 5, 2017 at 9:14 am #

      Layla. Sorry you have had endure the pain and suffering. We all have been there.

      I am about 3 years past DDay2 (second affair, not first). First was a 4 year EA. Threw it my face all the time. In his mind no sex = no cheating.

      Second affair almost led to our divorce. Luckily he came out of the affaur fif at the last possible second before I kicked him to the curb.

      But I have the SAME feelings – after 30+ years together I am not overly interesting compared to a much younger woman with no kids. I hate that I compare myself to others at all. I was never an insecure or jealous person.

      So yes it SEEMS like the other person was “all that”. But it was just infatuation or the newness of it all. It is not real. My H was dumb enough to believe his friends would accept the OW. I know for so many of his friends it was just not true. Their wives would never accept her. He knows that now. But during his affair he really did believe his new life was going to be just fun and games.

      Delusional!

      Alimony and child support for 2 residences would have left him broke. Plus college tuition payments and health insurance etc. I don’t think he thought about snything but his fabulous new life and how carefree he would be.

      Until he ended it with her and saw her true colors.

      I stopped comparing myself to others years ago. I will never be 30 again. I am not a 30 year old woman but his 30 year old relationship. And if that isn’t enough then he needs to leave.

      I have re-built my life to make sure I am happy and fulfilled. Not nasty or mean but I am no longer his maid service. He does his own laundry and errands (dry cleaning or groceries etc). I read books. I see my friends without him.

      I volunteer and am active in our community. If I don’t feel like cooking dinner I don’t. I put me first sometimes which I did not do in the past.

      I also started my own business which I akwayscwanted to do. After 4 years I am starting to see some success.

      The end result is I feel if I am not “enough” for him – his loss. It sounds arrogant but it’s not b/c I believe that I am no longer here to make him “happy”. When he had a mid life crisis his solution was to turn to someone else.

      My solution is to get my plan B in order in case I decide to leave him. My H is trying to make amends but b/c this is not his first affair I am left unsure of my future.

      But I take it one day at a time. Believe me he is trying. He finally acknowledged the first EA (which he never did – at least to me).

      I think if your H is trying hard to make amends that says a lot. It speaks volumes.

      Yes there are days I feel boring – and days my H doesn’t speak much. Hecwas the one that stopped communicating – not me. But now I feel as though I have plenty of other opportunities to interact with others – and maybe your H is the boring one and not you!!

      I think you should try to stop comparing and over analyzing his EA. It will not help you at all.

      And this is what the Cheaters don’t realize – how devastating and how far reaching the effects of an affair can be on the betrayed spouse/partner.

      It can take a toll on you. You feel stupid and used and less than the person you once were. And that can take aong time to recover from. I still feel the effects every day. It bothers me more on some days than others. But I carry on to keep on my path of recovery and healing. For me. For my kids. For my sanity.

      Once you get your power back in your relationship you will start to feel differently.

      Make sure YOUR needs are met. He gives you what you need. I had to battle my way through that for many many months with my H.

      Now he finally gets it. When I ask for something and don’t get I stand up for myself. In the past I would let it go. Not anymore.

      I hope you can get to that pkace of feeling better in control of your life. And you are not boring. You are not the reason for his affair. He made that choice. He acted that way to satisfy his own selfish needs.

      He cheated. He is to blame. Plain & simple.

      If he felt your marriage was not so exciting HE should have done something about it.

      I hope these thoughts help you. It is everything my therapist said over the past 3 years.

    • theresa May 10, 2017 at 1:44 pm #

      Are you boring by YOUR criteria or HIS?
      Are you taking any of the blame for his actions (his decision to be unfaithful).
      It almost sounds like you are trying to justify his actions IN THE FUTURE.
      Stop judging yourself by his criteria. Ask yourself how you feel right now. Look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you recognize this person?
      Do you like what you see?
      Is he looking over your shoulder?

      Photoshop him out. He doesn’t matter right now. The changes you make should be the changes that mean something to you. Only you.
      Ask yourself what you need to make yourself happy. He is not responsible for your happiness. Only you and you alone have control over this. You have to find your happy place.
      Then you can invite him in. If you still want to.

  11. Rob May 5, 2017 at 9:05 am #

    My wife is involved in an emotional affair and will not stop. It’s been 5 months since D-Day. She has been texting him for over a year. When asked to stop she just says no because she has feelings for him and he makes her happy. She doesn’t want a divorce or a separation. There is no physical affair because he live completely across the country. She keeps telling me she’s confused and that she loves me but doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore. I did some soul searching and realized I was emotionally neglectful and turned into someone I didn’t want to be. I have made the changes to correct that. It seems the changes I’ve made irritate my wife because they were what she was wanting for a while. She would tell me I had changed but no details and she told me she was miserable but I had no idea of what to do. I have moved out of the house now for three months for my own sanity and to give her time to think because she said she was confused and didn’t know what she wanted. She still is texting him and sending pictures to him but always wants me to spend my days off with her. I have not sought counseling other than friends and family. I did do Mort Fortels Marriage Boot Camp. All my friends and family say give her time and keep being nice to her she will see her marriage is more important than her boyfriend. I have started back to church and praying constantly. I don’t know what else to do. Any advice is welcomed.

    • Doug May 5, 2017 at 10:09 am #

      Hi Rob, Unfortunately, your story is all too familiar. It’s like they follow a script from one case to another. The first thing I’d do is move back home – for a variety of reasons. The big two are 1) you don’t want to be accused of abandonment. I’ve heard of stories where a person leaves the home and they soon find out the locks have been changed and their spouse have all sorts of legal restraining type orders against them. It may not be an issue in your state, so at the very least you may need to find that out. Protect yourself while your wife is in her fog. 2) It’s very difficult to effect the ending of an affair, much less save your marriage if you’re not in the home, IMO. I realize that it is very difficult and quite maddening, but I do think it’s best.

      While your friends certainly mean well, and they may actually be right in their advice, you need to figure out what is best for you and your situation. Perhaps being nice and letting the affair play out (and end) is the right tactic, or perhaps you should use a little tough love instead. In any event, here are a few posts that might give you some perspectives: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/it-is-tough-to-stop-an-emotional-affair/
      https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-life-hardnosed-advice-on-how-to-stop-an-affair/
      https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
      https://www.emotionalaffair.org/after-the-affair-tough-love-brings-subtle-changes/

      Read these posts and the comments and think things through carefully before you take action.

    • TryingHard May 5, 2017 at 11:28 am #

      Rob–Doug has given you some good advice. I suggest you pay attention and if you don’t believe him get some legal advice.

      My husband left on a Saturday night on DDay. That next week I met with my lawyer and he did EXACTLY as Doug said. He filed an immediate restraining order and told me to change the locks and the garage code. He was legally NOT allowed in the home as he had abandoned it. You’ve been gone 3 months and that is too much time. Your wife may be very planning on doing the same thing, so I agree get back into your home before it’s too late. That is YOUR home and you don’t want to have to go to court to get back in. Do it before it’s too late. Let me tell you when I did that it shocked my husband. Amongst all the other things I did to shake him out of his fantasy world.

      Yes going to church is a good thing for yourself. But I hope you are not buying into some kind of magical thinking. God knows what’s happening to you and he is there loving you regardless. The bible also says “God helps those who help themselves”! You are making yourself a doormat. NO giving her space will do NOTHING to improve your situation. I agree with Doug, time for tough love. She’s getting her cake and eating it too. Typical cheater. She’s loving the situation and you get to eat her shit sandwhiches and do the “pick me!” dance for her. LOL how nice that she wants to spend your days off with you. I’m sure you treat her like a princess when you are together. Well guess what she is NO princess. She’s a character disordered cheater, liar, opportunist. And you deserve better.

      Your friends, although well meaning, are giving you very BAD advice. Find a professional therapist in infidelity and get advice from them. Get yourself a bad ass lawyer and get advice from him/her. Only when you are armed with a good therapist and a good lawyer will you be informed and empowered to deal with this situation. God created these people for us, they are the life boats he sends to us. Find them, empower yourself, stay in church for your spiritual support and keep going out with your friends and seeing them to keep you occupied but please take care of your self financially and legally and emotionally by investing in good advice from professionals.

  12. Rob May 5, 2017 at 9:08 am #

    Just looking for help because everything you read tells you what to do after the affair not what to do if she won’t stop the affair.

    • Shifting Impressions May 5, 2017 at 3:41 pm #

      Rob
      I think Doug has given you good advice as well and so has TryingHard.

      I guess I wonder why you would leave if it is your wife having the EA. I know that if my husband would have continued on with his EA, I would be asking him to leave.

    • TheFirstWife May 5, 2017 at 6:20 pm #

      Rob. I was in your shoes. My H had an affair and admitted it. I Thought “OK he did the right thing”. He said he didn’t want to be a cheater and was being honest.

      Except he wasn’t. He may have told me about the OW but left out important and critical details. Like he lived her. Like he was planning on divorcing me. Like he was trying very hard to get her to be with him despite him being married.

      In any event his affair fog lasted many many months. And there was very little I could do. He was “in love” with her.

      So I focused on my plan B. I got my act together – therapist and divirce mediator. Changed accounts to my name alone. Bought myself a car for cash in case he decided to become vindictive and stick it to me financially. Changed all insurance on him to me as the policy owner so he could not change beneficiaries. Told him I was staying in house with kids and not open for discussion.

      And finally told him to get out. I had enough!

      Nothing I did or suggested stopped his affair. I suggested counseling and he refused. I tried to be patient and loving and kind. That did not work either.

      It was a mud life crisis. He was unhappy with his career and job for more than a year but decided to have an affair instead of doing something dbout it.

      I tried to change myself – tried to be more interesting and all that stuff. He did not care at all. He watched it all but did not care I was trying to please him.

      He woke up when I told him to leave. He had asked for a divorce 2x on 7 days. Well I had enough. When I found out it was b/c of the OW I had enough.

      So my advice is focus on you. Doug and others have great advice. Get your back up plan together just in case.

      I still married and we survived it all but it has been a rough 3 years.

      I wish you the best. I hope you can get back on track. But please don’t be disappointed if it takes a long time. At some point you may have to just put your foot down and say either you end this or we divorce. You cannot slow this to continue.

      But have a team – lawyer, mediator, therapist, financial planner, estate planner and documentation and evidence of her affair.

    • Hopefull May 8, 2017 at 1:25 pm #

      I think the above advice is your best bet. Seek legal and mental health professional help. I have not dealt with the legal issues but have read many stories from others. I think one thing is once you take control and look out for yourself you will personally benefit. Even if nothing comes of it taking action helps I find.

      And yes please seek mental health support. Find someone who is licensed and specializes in infidelity and marital issues. I knew when I saw my therapist’s website that it was a good fit. My initial email confirmed that. And it has been so critical in my recovery. One thing is you can only control yourself. So invest in yourself and get the support you need. If you want to work to make your marriage work then make sure your therapist supports that. For me my therapist was a great sounding board and also helped me decide what to say and what were priorities as far as what to address with my husband. I think the right therapist would be able to help you get through this initial phase with trying to get through to your wife. You can read a million articles about the affair fog and that can be if they are in it or even after it is all over. Hang in there and take care of yourself!

  13. Puzzled May 5, 2017 at 9:37 am #

    Layla: welcome aboard. This site has a ton of great information to help you. We’ve all been through marital hell and that’s why we are here. I’m just 2 years out as well from my wife’s emotional affair and I know exactly how you feel. We are in a better place now but it still baffles me on why she had the affair. There are articles about the affair fog but I just have a difficult time understanding. Some days everything is great while other days the memories are painful. Time may heal all wounds but the scars take a long time to fade away.
    Explore the site, read some of the blog posts, and never fear adding a comment. We are all in this together.

  14. Doug May 10, 2017 at 10:49 am #

    Hey everyone! I need your help. Well, actually another member needs your help. This person’s husband had an affair with a co-worker a while ago. It’s over and they are working through the recovery and healing process. The thing is that her husband and the AP still work together and it does not appear that their work situation will change any time in the near future.

    This obviously is a source of great anxiety for her on a daily basis and though things are getting better, it’s very difficult for her right now. She writes to us: “I am desperately wanting to find one, JUST ONE, example of a couple who made it through all of this while the former affair partners still worked together.”

    I told her I’d try to help her out. So, if any of you out there fit this bill, PLEASE chime in. It would be great if you’d be open to establishing an email relationship with this person.

    Also, if you don’t want to comment publicly here, you can contact me directly at help[@]emotionalaffair.org (without the brackets)

    Thanks!

    • TheFirstWife May 10, 2017 at 2:44 pm #

      I had that situation except there was minimal physical contact because they both worked from different locations. But they did meet up numerous times etc.

      I understand how she feels and the anxiety it leaves you with.

      But once it ended they never had physical contact again. And my H no longer works at the company.

      Please tell this struggling spouse that my therapist would say the affair could be anyone. The AP is not “special” b/c they can easily be replaced – hence multiple affsirs for so many.

      If she can gain her power back in the relationship she will move away ftom this gripping anxiety. That is what worked for me. I became insecure and paranoid of every woman I knew. They were all prettier, smarter, funnier, etc.

      Turns out it is not true!! But it kept me under siege for 12 long agonizing months. I was never that type of person – never envious or jealous or insecure. But his affair made me become that person. Until I decided that it cannot get any worse than right now.

      I hated myself for becoming insecure and jealous and angry and hateful and an emotional wreck. I decided he can cheat on me again and it is his own shortcomings – not mine. His own unhappiness and mid life crisis.

      I worked on being happy and positive and after a few weeks saw a difference. In me. In how I felt.

      I do yoga and go to church and try to be positive. Yes affair pain is still there but it does not control me. I sm grateful for what I have.

      I try not to look at the past. My H is different now. I try to focus on all the changes he has made and remain positive about our future.

      If she can break the cycle of worry and anxiety – she can survive. I suggest professional help for her alone. It saved me b/c I could not do this alone.

      I think many times your mind conjures up things that may not be true. It is possible the AP and her H no longer speak. She may have moved on to someone else ((like so many predatory poachers do)).

      When my H used to go to the city I would get nuts. And then I would say he could meet another woman on the train, plane or at church or supermarket or my kid’s sports games.

      I just had to decide I was not going to let HIS affair pull me down even more. Maybe if her H knows that one more incident and the marriage is done would give her some power.

      My H knows if I ever suspect anything (even if nothing occurred) – no questions asked, our marriage is over. No more chances.

      My power – led me to reduced stress and anxiety.

      • Doug May 11, 2017 at 9:37 am #

        Thanks for the great response, TFW

  15. TryingHard May 10, 2017 at 10:57 am #

    Hi Doug–While I don’t fit the criteria of having the OW and my husband still working together, I would be happy to offer any kind of support she needs. This would be a very untenable situation for me. I can only imagine the daily misery she is enduring. That is where she needs support. She needs to be encouraged to take care of herself on MANY levels.

  16. TryingHard May 10, 2017 at 10:57 am #

    oops–forgot. You can forward my email to her

    • Doug May 10, 2017 at 1:02 pm #

      Awesome. Thanks a bunch TH.

  17. theresa May 10, 2017 at 2:11 pm #

    I used to think there were some circumstances that allowed exceptions to the NO CONTACT requirement.
    I’ve changed my mind. Once the line had been breached, there was a permanent cold spot in my heart. It may get smaller, but It will never go away. And , since opportunity was a main factor in the decision to cheat, that threat is still a clear,and present danger to the relationship.
    I have lived with this for way too long. I should have changed my mind a longmtime ago.

  18. Puzzled May 10, 2017 at 2:55 pm #

    I can’t 100% say that I’m the one to say it can happen. My wife says her AP was someone from work. I don’t know 100% if it really was or not. But, she still works at the same place in the same department. We continue to grow closer and she is trying hard to do everything to regain my trust and love. I know that I haven’t completely recovered and don’t know when that will happen. I do know that I am in a much better place emotionally than the last two years. The triggers don’t hit me as often or as hard. The memories are becoming more distant. I’m still guarded. I’m still confused. I’m still, at times, mired in self-doubt and pain. But I am improving. The thing that I can’t quite get over is the thought of me not “being enough”. I know that her decisions were hers alone. I am not to blame for her choices but it still makes me wonder why I wasn’t enough. Time will heal.

    I can say one thing for sure; she & I were in the lowest spot in our marriage but we didn’t let it break us. We are building a new future.

    We live by this saying: We have to give up the future we planned in order to build the one that awaits…

  19. Doug May 17, 2017 at 2:56 pm #

    OK…I just had to share this because it really got me riled up. Nothing to do with infidelity, btw.

    Linda just called me from school. It’s the last day of classes for the kids and a benevolent 5th grader brought a cool $4500 in cash to school and passed out various sums of money to about a dozen of his friends. Apparently he stole the money from his grandparents – who for some reason had it just sitting around the house somewhere. (It’s a lower socioeconomic area, so I’m sure these grandparents really needed this money)

    One of the parents did manage to call the school to report that their child had brought home this money. Naturally, the principal investigates further and gets the names of the other kids who were given money – One kid got a cool $1000 in cash, another $900 and the rest got lesser amounts.

    What really gets my goat is this…

    So the principal calls the parents. One family went out to dinner and went clothes shopping with the money. Spent it all. A few others refused to give the money back because they said, “Why should we? It was given to our kid…” And on down the line. No other parents questioned or thought to call anyone about their kid’s sudden good fortune.

    In all, the principal was only able to recoup a measly $400! The rest was either spent or the people refused to return it. WTF???!!!

    What the heck kind of message are these parents sending their kids?

    End of rant.

    • TryingHard May 17, 2017 at 3:44 pm #

      WOW. That is a crazy story. Pretty sure if the police were called, and they should be, that money would be returned. That money was stolen. They cannot keep it legally.

      It seems people are more and more narcissistic. It’s ok to only take care if you. These are crappy parents indeed

      • Doug May 17, 2017 at 4:04 pm #

        TH, You said, “That money was stolen. They cannot keep it legally.” That’s what I thought. Seems the police are now involved.
        They are crappy parents for the most part. A couple of years ago Linda called me in a panic because none of her student’s parents could chaperone the annual field trip to the zoo. Seems none of them could pass the district mandated fingerprint and background check. So I had to rush down to the school board and get fingerprinted and checked out so I could be the only chaperone.

        • TryingHard May 17, 2017 at 8:15 pm #

          Linda is a saint a hero even for teaching those kids. I can’t imagine what those kids see at home. She is the only decent spot in their day. Sad

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