by Sara K.

signs for healing from infidelity
Notice the signs for healing from infidelity and they will guide you in the direction you need to go.

One of the worst parts of healing from infidelity is the feeling that you are alone. No one else can understand your pain. No one can know what to say to make it feel better. No one. In fact, on just this site alone, there are too many people who have been in your shoes.

The specifics may be different, but the hurt is still the same. There are signs and signals everywhere that will speak to you, helping you heal – if you let them.

I remember month six after my husband’s infidelity I was driving through Starbucks and the sign outside said “Just Breathe.”  At that moment, that was exactly what I needed to do. Later that morning Sara Bareilles’ song King of Anything came on. It too, sang to me, “Who says, he’s the King of Anything?” she sang. I felt suddenly empowered. Spiritual or not, the belief that someone else is out there feeling and emoting, just like you, feels less alone.

In a moment of New Normal, my husband and I decided to watch a movie at home. It felt strange and familiar at the same time as we snuggled on the couch. We focused on the movie, a love story, as we each inadvertently put ourselves in the character’s shoes. I was the lovelorn woman trying to break through to my husband just one last time.

He was the one who always seemed to screw it all up, while trying to figure out how to put it back together. It seemed that every word they spoke was as if we had written that script. Of course, in the end – like all of us hopefuls wish for, there was a much-needed happy ending as they both realized how strong the love was with the need for change and compromise.

The psychology of advertising, music and movies are all the same – to touch on the emotions of the consumer, listener or viewer. The reason these signs, movies and songs speak to us is because they all contain raw feelings that so many can relate to. What woman has not cried during the Hallmark Card commercial? What man hasn’t welled up during the last few minutes of the Sports movie? Who hasn’t been affected deeply by a beautiful lyric?

Emotional Healing begins by paying attention to those parts of us that are speaking loudly. We notice signals because they are actually our own feelings and emotions speaking to us. Listen carefully and they will tell you exactly what you need.

Healing from infidelity – You are not alone

If we let the healing begin, it will really begin to pry loose of the anger. The rage, the disappointment and the intense emotional roller coaster takes its toll. Giving yourself permission to see the signs, hear the voices and realize that all too many marriages are in your same boat, allows for a feeling that you are most definitely not alone.

Statistics sadly point to more marriages dealing with pain, divorce and resentment than those living the happily ever after. We create fake reality in our minds that everyone else we know has it better, happier and all figured out. But, the truth is that as a nation we celebrate celebrities that can make it past the big 1 year mark.  We have a culture where people consider a ‘starter marriage’ and then the Real Thing.

You and your hurt are most definitely not alone. It’s the strong, the dedicated and the true marriages that stand the test of those boundaries and come out not unscathed, but stronger for it. Some marriages sadly don’t make it through. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t make it through. However healing begins, open yourself up to listening to the signs. They are guiding you in the direction you need to go for regaining trust in yourself, your relationships and your emotions.

One of my saving graces during my healing period was taking daily walks. I would walk for miles endlessly listening to my Ipod, trying desperately to make sense of things that just didn’t seem to make sense. Then the signs would come. A song that touched me, a smiling face from another walker, a street sign with the words “You’re going to make it.” Yes, I was and so will you.

How did signs and signals speak to you? Did they help promote your healing from infidelity?

Here’s a video of Sara Bareilles’ song King of Anything:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA

 

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Journey to Healing
Surviving and Thriving Post D-day

Healing and thriving is an active process, it is a choice, and best of all, it is in your power.  But how do you get past the anger and despair and on the path to healing?

Is there a system or “hack” that can guide you?

There is, and that’s exactly what this program is all about…

    53 replies to "Notice the Signs for Healing from Infidelity"

    • chiffchaff

      A very interesting article, thanks.
      I also found that walking and walking and walking was the only way to get through evenings in the early months. Different songs had different effects but I think it’s again, only with hindsight, that I can see that they were telling me things that I needed to focus on.
      Unfortunately most of the movies I’ve seen have romance wrapped up with a man being in the ‘wrong’ relationship and finding his ‘true’ love elsewhere, the ‘happy ending’ usually being when he finally ditches the old trout of a wife and heads off into the fantastic new sunset with the ‘real love of his life’. I don’t watch romantic movies for that reason. I’m just not into that sort of fantasy.
      I feel that my H thinks that our marriage isn’t stronger for what we’ve been through but permanently scarred by it. It’s certainly entered a new phase and I’m just keen to see where it goes and to stop focusing on where it was before he gave in to selfishness. He still has difficulty telling me nice things about me and finds it easier to recall something hurtful, but I don’t let him get away with that sort of crap these days. which is a good thing.

      • Doug

        Perhaps you’ve mentioned it before and I missed it, Chiffchaff, but what is the new phase that you’re entering and why doesn’t your H feel that your marriage is stronger? Do you think it’s stronger? It’s good that you are trying to focus on the future of your marriage though.

        • chiffchaff

          Hi Doug, no I was just generally referring the the new phase of life which is post-affair. I think our marriage is stronger, it just has his affair running close to the surface underneath though as I still have triggers and dark times to deal with. I think he feels that our marriage is ‘better’ i.e. more ‘fun’ than it used to be but I’m not sure he’d describe it as stronger. It’s different.
          Recently we were discussing a place we lived when we were newly married as it’s a place we could potentially live again to ease commutes. I had to admit that part of my wanting to go back there was to get back that feeling of trust in him that I had then, before all of this upheaval and loss. He said he feels my loss of trust in him very badly. Those discussions are hard and emotional but also necessary. Not sure where I’m going with this, it’s been an emotional week and today rather emotional too as it is my mum’s birthday (she died from cancer 5 years ago) and randomly some woman I met on my dog walk told me off for going out with wet hair, which is exactly what my mum would have done.

          • Doug

            Well if he thinks your marriage is more ‘fun’ then he probably believes it is better. I read somewhere that is one of the major things that men feel defines whether a marriage is good or not. Has he done much work to help you rebuild trust in him? Perhaps your mum was speaking to you through that random woman!? 😉

    • Amanda

      I remember when I was a young girl there was this song by Helen Reddy, called I am Woman. It didn’t have much
      meaning at that time to me, but after my divorce I remembered that song, and I love that song still to day.
      Another tv show rerun that made me laugh was the show
      Reba.
      There was also a movie made about Tina Turner that was a wonderful movie.
      These type of shows, songs, and movies were a great inspiration for me to leave behind a relationship where
      I was being mistreated and they gave me the courage
      to stand on my own 2 feet.
      I believe marriage can be very wonderful, when 2 people
      love each other and are faithful. For myself I won’t settle
      for anything less, and I didn’t.

      • Doug

        Wow, “I Am Woman” – what a blast from the past. I don’t think I’ve heard that song since the mid 70’s!! It’s amazing though how songs, shows, quotes, etc. can motivate, inspire and change our mindset.

        • Amanda

          Doug,
          Your right these things did help change my mindset.
          I feel like my life is settled now, in someways that whole experience has changed me, and in other ways I feel like my old self again.
          The silver lining of all this was, it forced me to grow as a person. My faith helped me the most, I learned my worth and value comes from God, and not another person, I am secure and content and have a deep peace and joy.
          Romans 8 verse 28, mentions about God working things together for our own good. (para phased) I identify
          with that verse, things did work together for my own good.

          • Doug

            Amanda, I’ve certainly noticed that you have a very deep faith in God and I think that is wonderful that it has helped you through all you’ve experienced.

            • Amanda

              Thanks Doug,
              This site also played a part in my healing, it allowed me to
              reopen the wounds and it gave me a deeper healing. When I first came here I thought I had healed from my past,
              but what I didn’t realize was even though I was over the relationship, I wasn’t over my bitterness and resentment from the divorce. I can honestly say I have forgiven everything now, and I no longer feel anger, instead I feel
              I have accepted it all. Its a good feeling.

            • Doug

              Well I’m certainly happy that we’ve been able to play some part in all of that. Holding on to resentment and anger can be debilitating.

            • Amanda

              Doug and Linda,
              Thanks again.
              Now that the baggage from my past is cleaned up its refreshing, and I deliberately kept myself out of any new
              relationships until I was settled with my past. I had one rebound relationship after my divorce, I regret doing that because it was so unfair to the other person.
              I have decided that I am not going to go out looking for a
              new relationship, but instead I will keep myself open to
              the idea that the right man will come along when
              I least expect it, and if it doesn’t I am ok with that also.

    • rachel

      I too have the helen reddy song playing in my head daily. Music has been a huge huge help for me especially lately.
      Stronger by kelly clarkson is my number one favorite. Blow me one last kiss by pink and my favorite that I blast in the morning, We are never ever getting back together by Taylor Swift.
      Movies I can’t do and most t.v. shows either.
      I unfortunately am having trouble going over and over in my head the red flags. I had surgery about 4 years ago and he dropped me off and came back a few hours later. He wouldn’t even sit with me before the surgery, like I was putting him out. If i was close to him I would put his arms around me. That’s just wrong. But I guess that’s what you do when you have no feelings for someone. He should have left years ago.
      I just joined a divorce support group called “divorce care”. Hope it helps.

      • Amanda

        Rachel,
        Its good that you have joined a divorce support group.
        I also found music as a source of comfort during that time.

      • Doug

        Good for you Rachel. Is that an online support group or something in your community? Regardless, I encourage you to take full advantage of it’s resources.

    • rachel

      Doug,
      The support group in in my community. This is the second one that I tried to join. The first is a bit of a distance from my home but after I called the women that runs the program she said that nobody really shows up. She does want to talk to me so in a few weeks I will meet her and talk. She too is divorced after 26 years of marriage. She sounds like a sweet lady. Older, wiser and understanding.
      The Divorce Care group is about 20 minutes away from my home. They meet every other Tuesday. The gentleman that runs the program mailed me my work book. They generally watch a video, and discuss the video, then relate it to our lives. The work book is homework. They are on week four but he was so kind to me and said he is happy to have me in the group.
      I often think of the kind people that I have met through this nightmare. I think before I thought of people as being annoying or finding faults with them something that i have learned from the H. I have changed so much as a person, I often wonder “who had I become in the last 25 years”?
      Thank you All and Doug for this wonderful site and your support.

      • Doug

        Well, that sounds like a good program. It’s just another way to work on YOU. You’ll have to keep us up to date on how the group works for you. It could be a good resource for others to know about. I imagine they have groups in a variety of cities.

    • Gizfield

      Rachel, I cannot BELIEVE it! I think we were married to the same man. seriously, I was dropped off for surgery too! right after our daugher was born, I started having sever issues. Migraines, high blood pressure, almost passing out, joint pain, stomach pain. Everytime I would eat, I felt sick. Also some emotional stuff, crying etc. He was very unsympathetic to me, I just needed to get over it, control my mind, etc. it was horrible. Got on meds for post partum depression, which did not help. My thought was I am not depressed. My life really has gone to shit in a bucket, due to continuous health problems and no support. I was yet again being controlled by an asshole. When my daughter was five months, I had a severe attack of stomach pain, almost didnt call dr. cause I had been dismissed so much. Found out my gall bladder was about to explode!

    • rachel

      I forgot to mention that I’m going to court again on Monday. Another unpaid day off from my new job.
      This is all the H’s doing. He wants me to sign an 80,000.00 home equity line of credit loan. He wants 20,000.00 of it to go to our oldest son’s tuition. And 20,000.00 to go back into his savings account because he paid this semister with HIS money. Not sure what his plan is with the balance of the money.
      From the beginning my attorney told me DONT SIGN! If I do get the house I will also be responsible for the loan.
      H has money in stocks that his parents have given him in his name only. Easily he could use that money to pay for the tuition. He also, owns his parents home, he could take out a home equity line of credit on that home.
      This all could be very interesting.
      I stress about this and will all weekend. I hate looking at him. He is always on show, working the room like he is at a party. I can’t imagine what judge would agree for me to sign this loan.

      • Doug

        Rachel, I was in the mortgage industry for 20+ years and have seen all kinds of financial crap as a result of divorces. DO NOT sign for any loans, credit cards, etc. whatsoever. Got that???

    • Gizfield

      Rest of story, went for pre op tests the next day, and had to go to surgery the following day. They said someone had to bring me and stay with me before surgery. He told me he couldn’t do it because he was too busy at work. This turned into a huge deal, I had no family nearby and he started calling around asking people to take me, including his father ! And his wife who I had only recently met. All this ended with me cussing him, and leaving his mothers house in tears. He did take me but it was very awkward. He left as soon as he could, naturally. He visited that nite about 20 minutes but I really didnt even care to see him. Not long ago, somebody died after gall bladder surgery, and he said “I didnt think it was a big deal”. I said Well they are knocking you out and cutting out an internal organ, and yes you could die. in my family, if you are in the hospital

      • Doug

        Linda had gall bladder issues several years ago and finally got hers removed. Every time she had an attack she felt as if she was having a heart attack. It was really bad. I find it hard to believe that your husband would be so heartless as to just drop you off at the hospital for surgery.

        • Gizfield

          Thanks, Doug! The entire situation was horrendous, physically and mentally. I dont remember thinking it was a heart attack specifically. I was thinking cancer, or some other horrible deadly terminal disease. My entire stomach just BURNED constantly, and I war sick whenever I ate snything. The first thing I noticed after waking from surgery was that the burning was gone. Yeay.

    • Gizfield

      Everyone is there. My father had surgery for brain cancer, and they had to break hospital rules and let her eat inthe family waiting room cause the surgery was all day and she would not even leave to eat. Apparently in his family you just get dumped off like a sack of potatoes. Sad. No wonder they are all so screwed up.

    • Gizfield

      I love the Pink Kiss me Goodbye song. Also Taylor Swift Never Getting Back together. This is SO exhausting. Lol. And Dear John. My eight year old is a riot singing them. And Carrie Underwood Before he Cheats. I could have saved a little trouble for the next girl…

      Tv and movies dont bother me much unless they are pro adultery, Like the Bridges of Madison County. Is that a book, I would like to read it, and see what tripe out puts out. I wonder if the epidemic of senior cheaters is related. Probably. They should have stayed together. Meryl would have discovered Clint was a sleep farter, and he would have discovered she was a nagging shrew, lol.

    • our journey

      Gizfield,
      The Bridges of Madison County is a book. I’ve never read it, nor have I seen the movie. Don’t believe I ever will now.

    • Rachel

      Doug, got it!!!!!
      Gizfield, Madison is a book it was good. Saw the movie too.

      Funny story . When I had my first son I was in labor fro 6 a.m. Until 7p.m. Nothing was happening finally the dr. Said I think we need to do a c- section. So after the delivery etc. H came in my room and said “I’m going home, I’m exhausted “!!!!!
      RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!

      • Doug

        Rachel, Good. I’m glad you got it! 😉 I had to chuckle at your story!! Yes, I think that was a huge red flag.

    • Gizfield

      Tooooo funny, Rachel, you are a cool person. Like me, your creep doesn’t deserve you either. They are both quite obviously dumasses. Lol.

      I saw madison co.when it was first on video. Not real impressed, never cared for adultery, even when I did it. saw part of it again, the end, not long ago. It is a little creepy thinking of seniors doing the deed, much less seeing it. it can’t be “unseen”, lol.

      I think I will read the book. It got pretty bad reviews on Amazon, three stars. The intro said, it is about “to love and be loved so intensely life is never the same.” I think I will write a sequel, Bridges 2, the I Hate Your Guts Years. clint runs off with a model, meryl moves into a flophouse, and her husband marries a wonderful woman and lives happily ever after. I like it. one reviewer gave Bridges 5 stars, “people who dont get it are angry and bitter.” Like me, I guess. Sounds fun.

    • rachel

      Gizfield, you made me laugh out loud. It’s ok though because it’s date night. Friday night is date night when he strolls in late. BLAH!
      My lawyer called today to make sure that nothing has changed financially. So on monday the first discussion will be the loan. Ok, so I called my sons college today and the balance due in January will be 14,475.00. Ok and Husband wants to take an 80,000.00 loan????
      I will be shocked if he wins this one.
      2nd will be he needs to pay all of the bills as well as child support and vacate the home. : ) I will be very shocked if this works. Really my attorney doesn’t even understand why he’s still in the home. He wanted the divorce, he’s moved out his things, he found a house at the beach, BUT HE STILL IS LIVING WITH ME??????
      UGH!!! Thank you all for letting me vent.
      No we are getting that stupid hurricane. I’m in Connectcut. One can only help that the wind will blow him far far away!!!

    • Gizfield

      Rachel, my husband tried the living with me thing tooooo. About a month ago I told him I was done, dont love him, want divorce. He did not leave. Put up with that about a week, which was very stressful for me. Asked him to leave, which he did thankfully. His mother lives about 2 miles away, alone, in a three bedroom house. Then he started wanting to pick our daughter up, cook dinner at my house, and hang out. Said it would “help” her get used to the situation. Right. I was feeling hostility and sent him some vicious texts. He said to leave him alone. I said you know what, leave me alone and stay out of my house! He now had to see her at his mother’s. This is the same guy who has paid this child very little attention for almost nine years. He has picked her up from school more in the last month than all previous years combined. Yesterday, it was getting late, and he had not let me know he had picked her up. I texted him, he got pissy acting, said I never let him know when I picked her up. I said I’ve ben doing it almost nine years so it’s safe to assume I have picked her up. Youve been doing it a few weeks. There is a difference.

    • Gizfield

      Rachel, to figure out my husbands motivation for doing ANYTHING, I have to follow the”Whats in it For ME” trail. I figured this out not long after we met. If he does something seemingly to another person’s benefit, he has already thought how it is really to his benefit. As an example, when our child started daycare he volunteered to take her every morning, and I would pick her up. What this meant was he was “done” with his part by nine a.m. and had the entire day left to do as he pleased. No pressure to get home, 8, 9 oclock,at night, whatever. Plenty of time to stop by his whores, who conveniently lived right on the way home. Which he claims never to have done. Riiiight. We all believe you…

    • Gizfield

      He claims that the last three years, he was no longer interested in this woman romantically which may or may not be true. I know that if he is not, it is because he is very shallow and that she looks like what she is, a 45 year old road whore, not the fresh pretty early 20s chick he remembers. When I cheated with my ex about 20 years ago, I was around 30 and he was 32. He had been very good looking to me when we dated. I was 16, he was 18. So I can see how people from your past get preferential treatment. I thought he is pretty gross, did not age well, but it was kind of superimposed on my good memory and I just kind of ignored it. at that point I was actually lots more attractive than him, lol. But he was still the same old creep, with not even good looks to back him up. What a dumas s I was! Lol. I was soooo thankful someone else got the good fortune to marry him and bear his children besides me.

    • Gizfield

      One more thing, then I have to go. The girl beside me at work is young, pretty, thin. 24 I think, with a young child. Yesterday she was on the phone with a “friend”. , I thought it was a boyfriend, from her flirty, intimate tone of voice. She apparently had plans with him, which he broke, and she got mad. She said “If she doesn’t want you to have female FRIENDS, you need to quit banging that bitch!” Direct quote. This is what your “innocent” other women are like. Nice, huh.

    • KelBelly

      Before I go, I would like to say one thing. It is sad that people come here looking for help and it seems that some people get answered and some don’t. I have asked multple questions on here and not been answered. I have moments like yesterday that I just fell apart and just needed to know it is ok. Doug, I see over and over through this forum that you talk to the same people and ignore others. I understand people are going to build relationships but I believe as an owner of a site that is geared to help everyone, you are just showing that some people are more important than others by your actions.

      • Doug

        I’m sorry KelBelly, I didn’t realize you were asking a question specifically of me. I’m sorry you feel slighted, but no one person is more important than another on this site. There is no way I can address every single comment that is made. To be honest, I read your comment and I didn’t feel I would be the best person to address it.

    • Surviving

      even though Kelbelly left I just want to say I read her posting but thought she was just venting….

    • Surviving

      If she had posted today I would have responded… Yesterday I was at work.

      People on this site do care and want to help. Hopefully she checks back in

    • Natalia

      Kelbelly, I feel bad that you didn’t get the answers you were expecting. I also thought you were just venting. Some of us do that and even if no one comments it’s still helpful. I think that if you had sent a private email to Doug and Linda they would have addressed your concerns immediately. In the past they’ve addressed mine. Please don’t do this alone. We may never meet any of the people in this forum personally but it’s always good to know there’s someone out there you can reach out to and who understands exactly what you’re going through. Good luck.

    • Surviving

      I have to agree with Doug he might not have been the best person to respond- no offense

      But it sounds like a B S who knows exactly those feelings she’s experiencing at just 7 months out truly knows that it does get bettet

    • Battleborn

      I just read KelBelly’s post and I am quite perplexed as to why everyone didn’t see that she needed help. Not one of us on this site writes in the same fashion and she may not be able to articulate what she really meant. But my question is would it have hurt any one of us to ask her if she needed help?

      I don’t post on here very often, Doug knows that, but when I do it is for a good reason. This is one of those times. It is sad that some BS post here and NO ONE responds to them at all.

      My heart breaks when I see someone post with a question and it goes unanswered. Guess what? I am also guilty of not answering her, I just didn’t recognize it until JelBelly wrote her goodbye. I, for one, am very sorry.

      We all have the same mission here. Help one another get through a really tough time in our lives. Doug and Linda are doing their best to help all of us but their time is also limited. Maybe all of us (me included) should take the time to notice if anyone who posts has at least one response to their post even if it is just to say “we hear you, and we understand where you are coming from.”

      Just a thought….

      • Doug

        Battleborn, Surviving and Natalia (and others), Thank you so very much for your concern for KelBelly. I feel really bad that I did not address her issue yesterday, but it is good to know that there are people like you all who have real concern for others. Thanks for being a part of this community!

        • Battleborn

          Doug,

          While I understand why you feel badly, you cannot be expected to answer everyone all the time. There have been times you haven’t answered me. LOL As I said, you and Linda do not have the time to answer everyone, but all of us can help by responding when we can. I am just as guilty as I did not answer her.

          Particularly during this wretched time we are all wrapped up in our own pain and sometimes it feels as though we are alone even though we have a good blog going here. I am just advocating that we all make an effort to see that everyone has been acknowledged even if we don’t have an answer for them.

          • Doug

            Thanks Battleborn. You make a good point. You never know when just a quick acknowledgment can make all the difference.

    • Surviving

      Battleborn,
      I do feel bad for her, when I first read her posting I thought she was venting.
      In reading her comment to cancel her membership and her follow up comment it was directed at Doug not answering her and how Doug answers others and not everyone.

      Perhaps Doug can reach out to her since she cancelled her membership and let her know that people do care…

    • rachel

      My neighbor asked my friend what was going on at my house because he had heard rumors. My friend told him that we are divorcing.
      He then said “what did he finally get caught”?

    • Gizfield

      I hate that Kelbelly wasn’t able to get the answer she needed.I believe most people are like me, I am very limited when I can post. If I am at work, or just generally “running”. I left my house at 11 this morning and am just now returning, 12 , hours later. I have new comments sent to email. It’s quick to read but takes a spell if time to respond. Truthfully, my advice would have been to kick his ass out, and I dont think thats what she wanted to hear. But maybe it was, who knows.

      • Battleborn

        Gizfield, Your advice would have been the same as most of ours and you are correct, she may not have wanted to hear that. That is the chance one takes when asking for help/opinions.

        You bring up a good point that a lot of people don’t take into account. We are not attached to the blog, we cannot live here, we have other things to do. The only reason I am available right now is Sandy. Can’t go do too much outside so I read the blog. If she were raging up the coast I’d be at a horse show. LOL

        If anyone is in the track of Sandy, please be careful and be safe. Best to all!

    • chiffchaff

      There’s been an article in one of the UK newspapers where a woman whose H had an affair and left 2 years ago to be with the AP is struggling to stop thinking about her ex and his new life.

      One of the commenters to the article stated this – which I thought was an interesting, if cold, way to think about obsessing and healing as a BS.

      “I also think that the anger people feel when they get hurt isn’t the same as ‘righteous anger’ against terrible people. These aren’t the same thing but we like to pretend they are. The former is just what happens when we feel we’ve lost control over a situation and can’t face it. You get the temporary illusion of control back but really its fake and you’ll notice when you try and expresses it out loud there is never much more to it than trying to pretend what hurts you must always be morally wrong mixed Aesop’s ‘Sour grapes’ fable. This of course sounds a bit silly so we try to turn these people into demons to try and shore it up a bit (‘he left his daughter!’, ‘he lied!’) but it never really works either.

      As I’m sure you also know, really we obsess about people not because we really have an obsessive hatred for them but because it keeps a little bit of them in our lives on a regular basis. Again, when look deep into the mirror on this one you’ll see its really a bit silly as well.”

    • rachel

      Well, chiff chaff, I never heard that about obsessive behavior. I don’t want to keep my husband in my life he’s just here every day. I pretend that he is dead. Yet he shows up every day texting the ow under the counter. Pretending that he is 20 again. Good for him! He’s the oldest looking 20 year old that I have ever seen!!
      I’m upset right now because he was leaving the surround sound for my son to install in our basement and that is gone. He’s removed things from the house in which he wasn’t suppose to. Nothing was suppose to be removed nothing is suppose to be touched in the bank accounts . I wonder who he really thinks he is breaking the rules like this. And he won’t get caught.

      • Natalia

        Rachel, I hope you have an attorney. I work for one and I see this behavior all the time. Make a detailed list of all the things he’s taken out of the house and their replacement value, also take note of any money he’s taken from the bank accounts. Then take this to your attorney and ask him to write a letter to him or his attorney demanding he return the items or give you the money to replace them as well as redeposit any money he took. And if he doesn’t comply you’ll take him to court. That will scare the pants off of him.

    • Surviving

      Rachel,
      Can you get the locks changed?

    • Rachel

      Natalia and surviving,
      Yes I have an attorney. He is aware of the items that have been removed. Tools, music cd’s surround sound system and who knows whatbelse because I wasn’t home when he loaded up his truck. My neighbor saw him leave with a truck load.
      I cannot change the locks, yet.
      Not sure when my rescheduled court date is. It was cancelled because of storm sandy.
      He is taking me to court because I am refusing to sign a home equity loan on the house. He wants to use it for our sons college education. The balance due is 14,000 h Wants the loan for 80,000.?????
      At court my attorney is going to try to get him to leave because he is still verbally abusing me. Coming home drunk and very late. So disrespectful,
      He is working at the power company because of the storm but is working his regular hours. This is very strange he is usually all over the overtime . Just wondering if his lawyer advised him not to get any more overtime this year because they will base the alimony on this figure?

    • chely

      I have a question maybe some of you can answer for me. Still together 5 years after discovery of a long affair. Stopped but I believe started again. Discussed things abit but basically swept under rug. The time since then we have focused on each other, spending time together, reigniting love we had shared. On discovery day the last thing he said was he wanted a divorce, I told him fine with me but you will pay. We remained together things have improved in many ways, however in many ways they have not. Still can be his narcissistic self at home, but when we’re out or there are others within earshot he can be so lovingly sweet, it almost too much, because when he comes through the door at night not mean simply not very loving either. I’m beginning to feel like the attorney has told him to hide money (or it’s his idea). He is probably retiring next year and was wondering could he be waiting til retirement to divorce me because I will receive less?? I don’t have an attorney because I can’t find one with experience with covert emotional abuse. (Found one I really liked, he understood what I was saying but his reviews were not positive at all and I worry I’d be setting myself up to be manipulated by my spouse through the court system. He is very charming and can twist anything to make himself look good, or him being the victim of me. Anyway does anyone know anything about this? Thank you in advance for anyone who takes time to respond- greatly appreciated. I’ve got to go to work now so wont be able to check responses to later tonight or tomorrow thx

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