If you’re struggling with getting over the hurt of infidelity, the first way to help minimize the pain is to not try to get rid of it, but to acknowledge it.

healing from infidelity

By Doug

Recently Linda and I had a morning that didn’t start off too well.  She was talking to me about an issue that was mentioned in the comments that upset her with respect to my emotional affair. 

It was early in the morning, and I made the mistake of not thinking before I answered her, and made a comment that really upset her.  She ended up crying and then leaving for work in a huff.

Later that morning we spoke about the incident, and the gist of it was that even though we are doing better than we ever have in our married life, and that I’m doing pretty much all the right things to rebuild the trust (though sometimes I screw up)  and to make amends for my affair, there are still triggers that bring back thoughts and memories that cause Linda a tremendous amount of pain. 

I thought this might be a subject you all could relate to, so I wanted to address healing from infidelity and how to get over the hurt.


Healing From Infidelity and Getting Over the Hurt

How one gets over the hurt depends on the individual and the dynamics of the affair. One of the problems you may face is that you still don’t understand why it happened, why your spouse did this. However, if you are open to forgiveness and you understand why it happened, you will probably move past the hurt sooner rather than later.

See also  The Role of the Cheating Spouse in Healing After Infidelity

There is no easy way to get over something like this. You may never get over it, but you can learn to manage the pain and the huge sense of loss of that special part of your relationship.

Naturally, since we are going through this ourselves, I must call upon others who have more experience and knowledge in this arena.  So I went to our old friend, Dr. Huizenga, author of the book, “Break Free From the Affair.”

Dr.Huizenga says:

“The first way to help minimize the pain is to not try to get rid of it, but to acknowledge it.  Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be there.”  After all, part of your world just crashed down around you.  You’re going to have pain and you’re going to feel like something has been stolen from you.  And that’s OK. It’s normal.”

He goes on to say…

“The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you want something. Your pain is distress, which is saying to you, ‘Something is extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.’ So pain, in some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, ‘What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?'”

Other ways to manage the pain…

One way to help get rid of the hurt is to learn all that you can about infidelity and surround yourself with support.  Many of you come to this blog for those very reasons.  If you have not been involved with the folks that comment on this blog yet, you are missing a wealth of information and support from people that are going through the same thing as you.

See also  Struggling to Heal? You Have to Reach!

Dr. Huizenga also had an idea that I thought was a good one:

“Get a timer. A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer, and set it for two minutes. And when you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil and write down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling. When the two minutes is up, put it aside. Say to yourself, OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”

Another idea is to wholeheartedly throw yourself into something. If it is your job, you can advance your career while dealing with your issues. If it is a new hobby, you can learn a new skill or language while working through your pain.

Perhaps music is a hobby you enjoy.  Try putting on some soothing tunes to relax you and to slow the racing thoughts in your mind. Watching a mind-numbing but funny television show can also give your mind a chance to rest.

Music Therapy – Your Affair Recovery & Inspiration Playlist

Pranayama, a breathing exercise, and yoga can also help you relax and clear your mind as you gain a stronger body. Meditation can also assist you in clearing your mind and living a happier life while strengthening and clearing your mind.

Of course, if all the other tactics fail, or if you are suffering from severe depression or thoughts of suicide, then you should seek professional help.  A professional can help you deal with your inner pain and help you manage it better.

Some good advice…

Recently, a person who is healing from infidelity wrote to us and has a pretty decent perspective on getting over the hurt:

See also  Infidelity Recovery – Consequences of Punishing the Cheater

“People will tell you to get counseling, do things you enjoy etc. I have done all of those and am on meds.  But I still do not enjoy life and the things I once loved to do the way I used to. However, I think by still doing things I enjoy, I have managed to keep my sanity.

The best advice I can give, as I have the same questions you do is that you should sort out the whole situation and put it in perspective. Try to understand why it happened. Then you can try to pick up the pieces and begin the mending process 1 day at a time.

Know that your needs must come first now! Demand nothing less than the best, which is where my husband failed.  Just understand that you will never ever be the same again.  But this does not have to be a bad thing. Try to be positive and take life on one moment at a time.”

Please share your comments and/or experiences in the comment section below.  Thanks!

    19 replies to "Healing From Infidelity: How to Get Over the Hurt"

    • ruth

      I believe I know why my husband had an affair 1) he has a low self esteem about himself due to his parents as a child being overweight. 2) he love women paying attention to him and boosting his ego. 3) he gets bored quickly. 4) we met when we were only 15 and got married at 18 and now 35 yrs later he thinks he need to live his teen years since he didnt have any. I have know all that, I understand all that but what I dont understand is why doesnt he just leave me, why keep cheating on me? Today is a bad day for me I am finding out so many bad thinks about the ow and all I can think of is he put her on a pedastil over ME OMG. He professed his lover for her over me. Ok this was my 2 min. Feeling sorry for me is over now. Thanks

    • michael

      I want to say that I don’t feel hurt from what happened today. There may come more if I find out more but as of today I don’t feel hurt for the past and I forgive her for what happened.
      But, and isn’t there always a but, I feel today that she has and is showing me that I am not worthy of her all. Like she knows I’m not going anywhere, so why do anything above and beyond what she has done.
      I feel I’m not worthy of the truth. I am not worthy of the same devotion she has shown him. And that I am not worthy of her low feelings. She saw him as her “best friend” and she could talk to him about everything. And I’m just her husband who should just do what I’m supposed to.
      One thing my friend said was that she could talk to him because there was no obligation there to him. She could tell him things because he would take those feeling and put them off on me or others in her past. And he could show her how she was doing no wrong.
      With me she must feel tremendous shame, and guilt. And that probably doesn’t feel good. But she won’t trust me with those feelings. She won’t trust me with the true her. And she has been so good at lieing about everything. How can I believe her now. So if those feelings come back. Will I be going through this all over again. She has told me time and time again that I need to let her deal with things on her own. That doesn’t sound like the marriage I want. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. That doesn’t sound like I am worthy of her in her eyes. Maybe she is just waiting for the day she can be with him.
      I can’t just sit and wait for it to happen again. Will I be happy with what she Is willing to give me. Should I find happiness on my own. And what will happen if a woman shows me the attention I need and don’t get from my wife.
      Don’t get me wrong I have thought about it. But I was in survival mode. I was scared of loosing my family. And I wasn’t going to be distracted by anyone else. If my feelings continue, and we don’t move closer to each other. What will happen then?
      On a separate note should I take “I don’t know” of “maybe” as an answer for the tough questions. When I try to talk to her I don’t get straight answers. When I caught her in a lie, she still says its because she didn’t want to hurt me anymore.
      I think it shows how little she feels about herself. Can I hope and pray that she will get better on her own. With help from no one. Isn’t that what put her in the place to get in touch with him. How much unhappiness on my part will put her back in his arms.
      Sorry to be so vocal today but its been a while since I’ve been able to vent here. I think I’ve missed a lot. And yes it is a bad day.

    • karen

      I need your help. I’ll try to summarize my story first. Husband had a midlife crisis 10 years ago, joined a gym, got a cell phone and a new set of friends he didn’t share with me. Started going to happy hour with the group and without me, secretly–I thought he was at work, so he got away with this for almost 2 years. When I found out, I insisted that he stop or include me.

      I went about everything the wrong way, expressing anger and outrage and how wrong his behavior was. He ignored my tantrums and went further underground, beginning an EA with one of those women that lasted 8 years, despite my constant suspicions and occasional “proof”–he always denied it and threatened divorce if I didn’t stop accusing him.

      I was so broke and so busy with kids and job, and very committed to marriage, so I thought I’d wait it out for the MLC to end. Just when I thought it had ended and things were getting better between us, I discovered real proof of a very intimate connection and daily contact/communication, ongoing. I confronted him and demanded he choose me or her.

      It took us 1 1/2 YEARS of struggle in which he denied, justified, insisted they were just friends and refused to end it. Sometimes he would say he had ended it, then I’d find more communication between them. So he’s had a long history of lying and sneaking and that behavior is ingrained now. I started hating him as much as I loved him.

      I couldn’t believe he could treat me this way or that he could expend so much effort toward that relationship while spending NO effort on our marriage. I still can’t believe he could have that kind of connection to a single woman for so long and not have sex with her. Finally we agreed he needed to move out and decide whether he could end it; and he could only come home if he ended it. He did end it, and I believe he did because he told me what was said and gave me back the password so I could see call logs.–no calls; its been 9 months. Still don’t have email password, but I can see it sometimes and there’s nothing. He could have another email address and another cell phone though.

      But other patterns and attitudes have stopped so I believe he doesn’t see her, etc. But I NEED transparency–to know where he is, have that password, ask questions he doesn’t want to answer. He gets mad, says I should be over it by now because he is. I’m not over it. I don’t know that I’ll EVER get over it. Especially if he doesn’t come clean about it.

      I’m going to share some other posts here with him so he sees I’m not abnormal–everyone who goes through this can’t trust again without transparency. He never acknowledged that what he did was wrong, until after he ended it, he found out one of his male friends broke up with his live-in girlfriend of 5 years because she wouldn’t end an EA. I think other people also told him, when they noticed his “friend” was never around, that they had thought the two were having an affair. That’s when he realized what it had looked like to everyone who knew about it–he tells me “people’s reactions” showed him it was wrong, but he won’t tell me what people or what they said. He also finally realized how much it hurt me after I wrote him a letter describing the pain.

      We attended a retrouvaille weekend–best thing we ever did, and it has restored his feelings for me and turned his attitude around, but…

      How do I get him to come clean? He says he won’t talk about it forever because it makes him feel like a bad person. That’s not my aim or my problem. He doesn’t seem to feel like he needs to make amends to me. Is there any hope for us? He hates to read (I’ve printed lots of stuff about this topic for him to read); he hates to talk (limits the time, gets defensive); he won’t go to counseling; he thinks he can heal himself and I can heal myself.

      • admin

        Hi Karen, and welcome! If I understand your question correctly, bottom line, you are wanting him to talk and be open and honest about everything. Firstly, know that he may be unwilling to talk for a number of reasons. Perhaps he doesn’t want to hurt you any more, he may feel guilty or ashamed, or maybe communication isn’t his strong suit. Regardless, he needs to know that it is imperative that he discusses things with you so that you can get some sort of closure and move on in the healing process. What helped with me an Linda was that after the initial discovery (and resulting blow up), she learned to talk with me calmly and in a fashion that was conducive to open conversations. She listened to me without reacting or passing judgment and would thank me for being honest–regardless of how much it hurt her. She then would have her turn at telling me her feelings and reactions. Conversely, if she would have not listened to anything I had to say or reacted negatively every single time I said something, then I probably wouldn’t want to talk to her anymore.

        Nobody really wants to face their own mistakes and character flaws, and if they are going to be screamed at or chastised every time, it discourages them from even trying. Somehow, the betrayed spouse needs to try to create the atmosphere or opportunities for discussion. With Linda a me, we started to hang out and do fun things together, but also had lots of discussions about the affair (still do). In other words, if you can create an emotional connection with your husband and let him know he won’t be torn apart for what he says, he will be more likely to talk in an honest fashion. I hope that helps.

    • jessica

      im still trying to come into terms with it myself.
      there are times i feel myself healing then there are days i just want to cause him pain.

      i see him trying everyday to make up for what happened. i can admit he looks remorseful and ready to make things works. he might even treat me better nowadays and pays more close attntion to me. might be the guilt of it all or being so close to loosing me , i dont know.

      i still love him but i know that i will never forgive him. its true that your never the same again, ang through this i have learned to care and love myself more . im even fulfilling most of my dreams now. i came to realise noone can make you happy,only you can. so all in all the betrayal has made me a better person. i just wish it didnt have to hurt so bad to learn that

      • Doug

        Jessica, thanks for commenting and sharing. It sounds as though your husband is truly remorseful, and it very well could be that he realized just what he might lose. You seem to be doing all the right things. Keep it up and good luck. Hopefully, you will at some point be able to forgive as well. Forgiveness is also about you– not your husband–and when you can forgive you can release some of the pain you bare. There are a few posts on forgiveness on this site. You might want to do a search and check them out.

    • Sharon

      I just recently found out that my husband as had 3-5 physical affairs and up to 15 cyber affairs in the past 6 – 7 years. I am an emotional reck trying to deal with this. I find myself searching for more information and I just can’t stop. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t even look at my husband the same way anymore because of the video tapes he made mentioning their names. Every time he says anything to me, I know he said the same thing to them. I eve n caught him having cyber-sex with someone by signing into his account from another computer and it just happened to be at the same time he was “involved”. I love my husband, but I am questioning if he will really stop the cheating. He told me before when I caught him in 2006 after reading text messages that he would never do that again. I believed him then, but not so sure this time. I want to make our marriage work, but getting over these feelings is hard. This is my 3rd marriage. The first one was to a drug addict, so I left. The second to an alcoholic who broke bones, so I left. This one is different. I never expected this. The pain from the cheating husband is worse than the abuse from the others. I did tell him I would have rather him hit me than rip my heart up and spit it out without a second thought like he did. Bones heal, but I am not sure if my heart will ever be the same . How do I overcome these feelings that no one should have to endure? When will I be able to function without breaking down? How do I deal with this without taking it out on my family?

    • Kate

      As someone who also was previously involved in a physically abusive relationship, I can tell you Sharon’s w0rds ring 100% true:

      “. I did tell him I would have rather him hit me than rip my heart up and spit it out without a second thought like he did. Bones heal, but I am not sure if my heart will ever be the same . ”

      I’d gladly suffer the abuse I did in the past over the broken heart of being cheated on. I still don’t know if I can get past this, if my H will ever start to “feel those feelings” for me again. It seems so obvious that he does have those feelings for me in the way he acts, he just is blind to them because of the EA he had…

    • John

      Just saw all these posts. I am the man who is at fault; seven months ago, I disclosed an EA as a one-time thing, and five months ago, revealed that it was actually an ongoing friendship (with occasional physical benefits) for 18 months. We were in the lifestyle, which in some weird way allowed me to give myself permission to be a serial cheater for 6 of the 6.5 years of our relationship (married now for the last 3). Self-esteem gone, I kept this ‘friendship’ alive until it all came out and I cut it off–COMPLETELY. NO contact. EVER. I set up counseling, and we went for about three months, getting everything out in the open. It really did help me realize why I allowed this to happen, although I would say she never would accept that my lack of validation, etc. justified just obviously heinous behavior (and she’s right). I committed to change my life entirely–I love my beautiful wife and don’t want to lose her, or her kids, or mine. We have blended a family and have been trying to make it work. And I have been true to my word, and I know I always will be.

      Over the last few weeks, I know she has been in pain. Every other night, she berates me and goes on the attack, saying what a f**k I am, among her less colorful labels. I tell her I love her and am a different man, want nothing but her, am being completely transparent, etc. She goes through my cell phone records, and makes me account for any calls/texts. I try to make sure she knows where I’ve gone and am going–I have no problem with this transparency. I really have no contact with anyone who might even create the suspicion in her mind. I just don’t want to go there ever again.

      Last night, we ended up staying up all night. She said she had decided that, even though I’ve been “good” for the past seven months, that really doesn’t matter, and that she has realized she will never trust me again. She has completely shut down, despite my repeated protestations. And she went to look for apartments today (on a weekend when we have all of our kids, no less, leaving me to create excuses to them). She just reiterated that she feels just nothing now, and says I can prove my lessons learned to someone else.

      She reads posts like this, and just about everyone is telling her to just move on. Cheaters will always cheat. So she feels validated. I feel like repentance is real, and I’m old enough (46) that I really am not going to put us through anything like this again.

      I’m not sure if there is anything I can do here, but I really am trying to prove to her I will never, EVER cheat on her in any way again. We, of course, are now completely out of the lifestyle. And I really am different. She says that it is just because I got caught, and that in three years, when the smoke has cleared, I will just go back to those old habits again. I say I have new habits–I get my insecurities and self-image issues, and know not to try to get validation from anyone else.

      How can I save this marriage and family? Anyone?

      • Seenthelight

        Well, John, it’s been almost a decade and I’m curious as to who was right, you or your wife. Were you able to live a better life for several years or revert back to your old ways?

    • August

      In my situation, my fiance’ and I have been engaged and together for almost 8 years. We fully plan to wed in the near future, however we’ve come to a tramendous fork in the road, due to her sudden infidelity with two men. The way it began, was that one day out of the blue, she mentioned that she might want to try of all things, “swinging,” or the swinger lifestyle, where couples get together with other couples either as couples or swapping partners, in order to have experimental sex. Well, I’ve always considered myself to be very opened minded when it came to a variety of sexual practices, as long as they were safe and healthy for those involved, but I have to admit that she through me for a loop with this one. In any case, I did not react well. In fact I was very upset. Soon after, we bagan argueing about the topic almost non-stop. I was being a prude and she was being unreasonable, etc. Well, prior to the big blow up, we had discussed for a “minute,” possibly going to a swinger’s party as a couple, just to observe and see what it was all about. Well, the night before we had the big blow up and very next day/night, was suppose to have been the party. Still obviously upset, she decided on her own to attend the party alone and without me. I even asked if I could go with her, but she said that she wanted some time alone, so I agreed. However, I did not agree to what happened next. After her literally staying out all night and coming home at 10:00 am in the morning, you can believe I was more than angry and feeling very hostile towards her.

      Well, days passed and we were still both simmering from the blow out and and her decision to attend this “kind of party” alone and yet still trying to reach some sort of stalemate. So I began asking her about the party and how it was, etc. You know that old saying,”Becareful what you wish for, because you just might get it?” Well boy did I get it. She hesitantly confessed to me that she did play and engage in sexual intercourse with one man and allowed another man to give her oral sex. I was devistated. My world completely came crashing down around me and I flipped! I just lost it and literally began bawling like a baby. I couldn’t handle it! I wanted to know why she would do such a thing! Why would she betray me in such a cruel and painful way. I didn’t understand! From that point on, I became depressed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, think or function. I was literally a walking mess that is, on days that I could actually get out of bed to walk. Oh God, I thought that I was going to die. I’m sure that you all can relate to that feeling. Talk about time moving in slow motion. It was like a slow death, just trying to function and do even simple tasks. The worse part of it, was that she kept claiming that I gave her permission to go to the party and therefore, she felt free to engage. Whah??? First of all I NEVER gave her permission to do anything, so I’m not sure where she ever got that idea. Why would I want to feel like I’ve been stabbed a billion times in my eyeballs, with needles; Just for fun??? lol Oh man, I…I just could not get my mind around it all. Where was all this coming from. We are talking about a good woman here, that I know did does not believe in infidelity and yet, she committed it! I began acting out angrily, smoking (I had quit 20 years ag0) drinking too much and really just getting out of control, because I felt out of control inside. I’m in ANY way condoning my behavior or suggesting that ANYONE go down the same self-distructive path that I did, because it surely did NOT help matters. In fact it made matter 10x’s worse, as you can surely imagine. It really got ugly and for a time, I wasn’t sure whether or not we were going to make it back as a couple. I was really scared and completely lost. I didn’t know WHAT to do. Whew!

      She kept saying that it was just sex and that she still loved me very, very much and that I was her everything. She said that she just felt as though she needed a distraction or that something was missing in her life and that maybe it wasn’t about sex and she didn’t know exactly what it was she needed and on and on she went . I could see that obviously something was going on inside her and that obviously, I had missed it somewhere along the line. At the time, I was not trying to hear any of her excuses and just wanted to scream at her and make her feel that same devistating pain that I felt. However, since that day, which wasn’t more than literally a couple of weeks or so ago, as it all happened within what seems like a blink of an eye, we’ve talked at length about it. She cried, I cried and alot was said and revealed and yet, still I came away feeling as if not everything had been put on the table or resolved and in retrospect, I suppose that’s probably an unrealistic expectation anyway. So we’re still talking things out and I’m still feeling very raw and so is she, because I said a lot of terrible and nasty things to her, including my behavior. Smoking is a very sensitive subject for her, because just last year, her father died of lung cancer caused by his cigarette addiction. I also said things that with all my heart, I truely regret saying. Things that I would NEVER say to her or ANY woman for that matter. I wasn’t raised to speak to anyone/woman the way spoke to her. I was furious, but make NO excuses for the things that I said nor my behavior. The things that came out of my mouth and the terrible way in which I behaved, came from a place of sadness, lonliness, feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, confusion, and so many other deep hurt places in my SOUL! God!!!

      So now at this point, we are both tryin to heal and have agreed to love eachother through this and forgive eachother, slowly but surely. I believe that we are on our way to mend, but it is a grueling process, that takes incredible inner strength that some days, I’m just not sure I have! Today was one of those days, where I began to relive that night. We agreed that we wouldn’t continue to rehash and rehash the subject, as we were’nt really getting any where and just makeing eachother angrier and basically going nuts!
      In any case, we agreed that we still do love eachother very much, enough to ride it out and see where we are as a couple with time. I pray that we can survive this wave and move on together to happier times. I’m not there yet, but hopefully in time. You can bet I’m going to come back here and post and more importantly, learn from all the wisdom that each of you has to share. I’m so glad for a sight like this. I’m feeling so very vulnerable right now and could use a friend. I’d also like to offer up my friendship and shoulder to anyone who needs it. Thanks everybody. God bless and God speed…

    • KELS

      Im tired and hurt..i dont know where to begin. Met husband ovevrseas. he told me he was divorce, and had two kids by this woman. excuse my grammer and spelling errors. i just have so much inside of me. he mentioned she was a different race than him and her family didnt like blacks. i could understand that, but i thought that i could deal with whatever this relationship could bring. this was my first real relationship, so i was so excited. we went on a couple of vacations together and i brought him home. everybody loved him, even my two kids. a year later we decided to go back to the states together, and start our family. we took a trip to meet his kids, and guess what?? he wanted me to stay at the hotel, because supposedly the x didnt want to meet me. im like, are you serious, she wants to have the kids around a complete stranger. ok whatever, we argued aboout it, and he went and got the kids and we drove back to our house which was 2 hours away. the way he acted withme and the kids and was just weird, he didnt want me to do their hair or help them get dresses, supposedly because he wanted to do it and he wanted to experience everything he missed out on..that was a lie..so we got married (mistake) and all seem to come clear to me. i read messages to his ex wife while we were dating that he was claiming that she was his soulmate. i called her up after reading all these stupid messages and she claimed she didnt kno about me and he said that i was some fat old white woman. so i told her that i was his wife, and that we have been dating for awhile and i met the kids. oh my GOD, why did i say that, she started screaming saying i was lying and that the kids were suppoed to be with him at his brothers house. so anyway, he gets on the phone, trying to calm her down and he walks outside talking to her. he has got me at a point where i want to actually hurt him. so i let this slide, as we all do. moonths later, i read his cell phone he is talking to some girl and telling her that they will meet soon and that she can have anything she wants from him, im like in shock. my stomach is so tight that i cant breath. i kicked him out the house, no questions asked. he comes back explaining that she is nobody and that she left her numbr on his truck, and that they never met. he said that it was over and nothing happened. i checked his phone again three days later and i see a call from her. this time it is her man calling. supposedly she is sick and that she didnt want to talk her man and that my hsusband was the only person she could talk too. yes, i know what you are thinking..stupid!! so a year has past and i have all this built up anger and haterd inside of me. ex wife calls an totally disrespectful, he dont call her around me, and i feel that i am his secret. so he gets to this new job, and i see text messages on his job phone from this same number. i told her that i would appreciate that she wouldnt sent messages to my husband late at night. oh, she agreed and appologized. now this good girl act didnt last long. he claimed she was a coworker, he didnt like her. so a few weeks later, i find a second phone that supposedly was his coworkers…why this jack ass was talking to this girl later at night while he was working over night. i called her and acted a fool and told her if she didnt leave my husband alone that i would report her to her boss. ok….i have to come back tomorrow to type…i need to go punch somethng…UGGGGH

    • Kerin

      2 years ago I had an 8 month affair. It crushed my husband, but he wanted me back and fought for me the whole time. During the time of the affair, he reached out online and met some women. One in particular was going through a divorce due to an affair. They had something in common, they clicked, they talked often. They met a couple of times. I ended the affair, have had no contact with that person and am committed to working out our marriage. The problem is, he is now having an emotional affair with this woman. I found out last weekend that he saw her two more times over the summer and didn’t tell me even though we had an agreement he wouldn’t see her without my knowledge. His own therapist told him it’s unhealthy for him to still be talking to this woman if he truly wants to fix our marriage. I don’t know what to do. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, the distraction is affecting my work. I feel like after what I did to him I don’t have the right to give an ultimatum. I asked him to be transparent about his ‘friendship’ with her and let me see his facebook messages with her and he will not. This only leads me to think he’s hiding more than he wants me to know. I just don’t know what to do.

    • Ronald

      I recently found out that my wife has been texting, who I thought was a friend. Couldn’t believe what I saw! I don’t know how long this has been going on. It hurts like hell everytime I think about it. My feelings are so hurt. I can’t believe I’ve been betrayed by my wife and so called friend. Both said there’s nothing going on. What am I to believe! I’m trying my best to understand how long this has been going on. What am I to do?

    • Gen

      I don’t even know where to start! This is my second marriage and i left my first one because of infidelity. I found out of his affair on Sunday (this past Sunday) and i was upset. However i thought to myself i have always allowed him to go out until the early hours of the morning so maybe i am the one to blame. But then again i cannot blame myself for the person i am. The worst part is, this is not the first time, but this time it was pronounced. I don’t know how to deal with it, a part of me says go another part says stay. I am a very calm person and the outcome of this all is actually scaring me. Asking why it happened or how is not helping much because i am not getting any answers. My biggest question is, am i ever going to get through this, to love him the way i did before, is it a phase for him or that is his nature and he is going to choose to stick to it?

      The worst part in my culture they say men cheat, we need to deal with it! I am not one to deal with it because it is painful, so painful i am actually numb! The vision i have now is nothing but blurred, the most precise on is him leaving his affair and coming to me and acting as if everything is normal. WHO DOES THAT? I guess he just did.

      What to do is my biggest question at the moment, i cannot even get to do the things that i enjoy eg. cooking, my emotions are on a constant roller coaster, my mind is constantly thinking about this ans sooner or later my work is going to get affected.

    • Ann

      We had relationship of four years. We were happy things were going great, had planned a future together too. Then this day came when my girlfriend had to go away for work to a different city and all the problem began there. Somehow I started feeling very distant to her while on the phone, because I loved her I knew something was no right. Then I even tried talking to her about it but she told me everything was fine. The thing particular about my girlfriend is that she is very smart and knows how to get out of situations. So this thing continued for a while, she used to go out before too with her friends and I gave her that space. Because I felt everyone needed to live their lives. We still continued that way but everytime after I kept the phone I started getting this very strange feeling. I thought at first that I was being a paranoid and so I use to shrug it off because you know the kind of trust I had with her and her with me. So life was going on, but each day it passed this gut feeling started to get more stranger every day. Then one day almost after 2months she’d been away, I somehow logged into her social media account and found a bunch of things which needed justification. Then me like a fool called directly and asked her about it, now I realized that she had lied so effectively on my face. She told me that she couldn’t live without me and that she loved me alot. So I bought her explanation and carried on. But that very evening since I had opened her social media account from my phone the account had somehow got linked and I started receiving her notifications. Then I found out that there was another guy she was talking to which she had told me was her friend long before, but the messages were not friendly for a bit. Then I confronted her on the phone and I told her that we should break up, since the messages were already self explanatory. She kept calling me after that, again and again although I was rejecting her call. Then later at night my heart gave in again like a fool. I called her she apologized and she told me she couldn’t be without me and how happy she was with me. So yes I said okay, didn’t forgive her that instance but was taking my time. Then it doesn’t end here it starts getting more worse and worse. So after that a week had passed by and things were slowly getting normal and better, she forgot I had her I’d somehow logged in my account and she started posting stuffs sort of sexual and hiding me and my family members from the post. This still goes on my painful story and I am still in it this is the day when I came to know the actual truth I told her over the phone but she lied straight to my face again, also that she is on the bed with him, right now at this very moment. Still lying her ass about it. So I hope you can feel my pain, I put everything in this relationship for her, everything. My love my time for the past four years, I confronted her few hours ago, she still lied. It’s breaking me from inside, I am having images of someone fucking her it can’t get it out. It’s so painful just recently had sent her valentines surprises although I wasn’t feeling up for it, I sent it to her so that she would feel left out in front of her other friends. So people this is my painfully sad story, still hurting don’t know what to do, and what is to be done. Feel like just taking my heart out and ripping it, I have been such a fool. If some one read this, please write to me something which would help me to deal with this pain.

      • Shifting Impressions

        I am so sorry you are going through this. The betrayal by someone we trust and love is excruciating!!

        It’s pretty difficult to deal with someone who refuses to admit what they are doing and continue lying.

        Do you have someone to talk to?? Whether a close friend or a counselor, I hope you can find someone to help you through this. It’s too difficult to face this alone.

    • Tamyla

      I can’t stop the tears. I’ve never been a crier. The last time I came close to this type of sadness is when I was 14yrs old and my mother died. I feel stupid I didn’t see this coming. No, I feel stupid for I keeping blinders on too long. I’m going to do this alone like I’ve always done. Growing up with sexual and physical abuse I learned to cope alone. I’ll do it again. Truth is you enter this world alone and you better not lean on anyone to really be there for you and show kindness.

    • PAMELA

      Mark and I have been together almost 10 years. We said from the beginning that we knew instantly we were soul mates and we could both stop searching. We agreed that we had to live in our separate homes for a while because of the kids (Mine from previous marriage) needed the better school system that i lived in and he needed to stay close to his work where he was. We both agreed to remain 100% faithful because there was no one else for either of us. He had become friends with most of his former lovers. He said they were just friends. Seven years ago, I tried to be a friend to an ex who had just lost his mother and his dad (who had Alzheimer’s was deterioriating. I brought a cassarole for them. When I returned to pick up the pan (which i never got) he raped me. He then used my abusive ex husband to manipulate me for the next week or so. I finally got the strength to refuse to allow him to control me. I didnt tell Mark about it because we had only been together 2 yrs and he had seemed very distant lately. He never even asked when i would beg him to let me stay the night with him and let the kids stay at the babysitters house.
      He was emailed a couple of weeks later by the rapists girlfriend who said i was “having an affair” with this monster! he got angry at me and I told him every detail of what happened. i went to therapy for it and tried to report him to the police. They wouldnt take a report because they said since I had PTSD from my past, it would be too hard a case to win. So they just refused to take the report.
      Fast forward to when Mark and I finally moved in together a year ago. This was 7 years after the rape. He has continually blamed me for the rape and called me a lying whore when we get in fights.
      I found his old cell phones–that I had bought him over the years– and found on them the messages dating back to 3 months after we started dating. He was telling other women how he had finally found his soulmate and he can stop searching. That there was “no one special” in his life. then the sexting messages too. the messages from them talking about their dates and how great he is in bed. Talking about how they are falling in love with him. these messages continued from 2013 through 2018 that i found. the new phone he has he guards with his life. i texted one of the “i love you” message women and told her (Mark and I have long been calling each other husband/wife even though we dont have the document) she had been sleeping with my husband and she should know the truth. She knew about me. She just didnt care. she then sent my message to her on to Mark. He was out of town at the time and he called and got SO angry at me for “causing problems” . I was recovering from cancer surgery and preparing for adhesion surgery to release my intestines which were being squeezed off from prior abuse from my ex. I prayed God would let me die on the table.
      Mark has promised he will never do it again, but the thoughts creep in of him kissing these other women (they had all sent pictures to his phone) thoughts of him holding them, talking sweet to them. telling them how terrible i am so they would feel sorry for him and have sex with him. now he wants me to believe that after 10 years he will just stop doing this? I love him and have made a vow to him and to God to be his faithful wife unconditionally. But how do I get past the hurt of what he has done? He won’t say much about it all except “i have made mistakes, said what i had to say to get what i wanted to get and never meant to hurt anyone” Thats as close to an apology as i have ever gotten. it rips my soul in two.

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