Hello Everyone!
Friends and family can be a great source of support after the affair, but you do have to be careful. Often times well-meaning relatives or friends, who think they have your best interests in mind, end up making a bad situation even worse. These individuals can take sides and can try to force choices upon you and judge you.
There are also many other sources of support – therapists, clergy, websites, blogs and affair support groups. With this in mind…Please share with others what your best means of support has been throughout your affair recovery process and how you have utilized this support. If applicable, please share any instances where your well-meaning support source has caused problems in your affair recovery.
Thank you very much for your contributions!
Have a great day!
Doug & Linda
13 replies to "Discussion: What is Your Support Group After the Affair?"
I talked to my fiance’s mother when i first found out because his father had cheated on her on and off for ten years, left her numerous times and tried to divorce her and they eventually got back together, so I thought she would have some insight. At first she was supportive, but she thought everything should be solved in one counseling session and a few weeks of apology- when that didn’t happen, she turned everything on me. I dont talk to her anymore, but she tells my fiance that the problem is me- I caused his infidelity, I’m not committed enough to the relationship, it’s been enough time and I need to just get over it. It turns out that how she and his father “got over” 10 years of constant infidelity and abandonment was by agreeing to never talk about it or think about it. The kids paid a heavy price and both my fiance and his brother have had problems with relationships and infidelity.
I talk to my family and friends now and a really good counselor and they are very supportive but at the same time it’s still hard because they haven’t been through any of this. I cancelled our wedding and put the engagement on hold because things are not getting better, even with counseling, and so now there’s so much to deal with. I have to deal with my sadness and pain over the infidelity, which was going on from the first day we got together, and the fact that our whole relationship was built on lies. I have to deal with cancelling the wedding and all the heartbreak from that, and everyone around me judging me on whether or not an emotional affair is a valid reason for not getting married. I moved to a new city and started a new job, my first after finishing my degree, twelve days before I found out about the affairs. We are long distance, and I am alone basically all the time. My support system is great, but it’s like it’s just so much to deal with and support me through.
Thanks for sharing J. Your first paragraph is a classic example of how a family member (almost family member in your case) can turn the tables on you and your relationship by taking sides. Tough situation indeed.
Something I’m conscious of now is that people can have their own interests and agendas- I try to be compassionate towards his family because they have said that our problems brought up lots of painful memories for them, and I think that part of pressuring me to drop it quickly is trying to avoid those memories and feelings. This website has helped both me and my fiance tremendously, as support for me and to help him understand the effects of infidelity- I think as a way to get over it and minimize his father’s problems, the dominant “story” in his family has always been that cheating is not a big deal, everyone does it, as long as you don’t leave the family it doesn’t hurt anyone. Reading the comments and stories here has helped him to see that is not true.
I am 4 1/2 weeks past DDay of my H’s SA/EA.(which occured over the period of our 25th wedding anniversary…THAT date will never be celebrated again!).. I had to drag it out of him once 1 of our 3 children mentioned Dad’s 28 yr old ‘friend’ that had been going places with them…while I was working… and I am survivng the dark and darker days thru a ‘balance of 3’ that I recommend highly: every other week marriage counseling …we’ve been going since 3 days following DDay, twice weekly strength training classes (which balances the initial 30 lbs I lost in the first 6 wks following DDay…& I didn’t need to lose ANY weight!… and mass every Sunday. Remember, address your physical, mental and spiritual OF YOU….I just don’t know how else I could get thru this devastating time in my life. Oh and this website….I am a loyal fan who follows this site religiously!
Changed, thanks for being a loyal fan! I like your “balance of 3” philosophy. Have the counseling sessions been helpful?
Absolutely! We are blessed to have a neutral, yet seasoned therapist who is expertly guiding us thru these choppy, ‘uncharted’ waters…I couldn’t do without him as part of my ‘balance of 3.’ He even calls me into 1-on-1 sessions to make sure I am where I need to be in my recovery. Thx for asking!
Correction…I am 4 1/2 MONTHS past my DDay…not weeks….but I cannot temember back when I wasn’t dealing with this!
This site has been my biggest help. On my darkest days when I can’t get passed the hurt and pain I cone to this site and read the other postings and know I am not crazy.
I have not shared my husband’s affair with friends and family. At first, it was because I felt so humiliated. As I learned more, I realized it would never be a good thing to talk to them about it because they would never forgive him. They would acting out of concern for me, but would make it difficult if he and I make it through all of this.
This site is my number one support. I have come to care about the people who post here and I check the site to see how they are doing. I also learn a great deal from the posts and comments, and get great feedback from Doug, Linda, and other commenters.
I also journal daily and write about all things concerning the affair and its aftermath. It’s a great release.
And odd as it sounds, my husband has been a good support most of the time. He has had phases where he doesn’t want to talk at all, but I found that it was because he couldn’t focus at work, and just couldn’t deal with it all, so he was trying to bury it. But he is past that right now, and is again willing to listen to me and hold me and reassure me when I need it. I hope this continues.
I have also found a therapist that I like, and I see him weekly. It works well. But I will not be able to afford him after this month, so I’ll be on my own. So this site will be it!
This came to my email for some reason. It’s from Susan:
Yes. Thanks Doug…I don’t know how I ‘knew’ to do anything after DDay…let alone knowing I had to get us into counseling ASAP! But I did and as far as I know it was the right thing….who knows…we are still in the twilight zone. Since I have your attention, I hope you don’t mind me asking…have you ever heard mention of it being a character defect within thiose who ‘choose’ to cheat…? What is your take on that? Thx for all your continued help.
Susan, Yes I certainly have heard that cheating is (or can be) the result of a character defect. There certainly is credence in that. Those that are narcissistic, lack self-esteem, chronic liars, etc can all be prone to affairs. I don’t think that it is necessarily the case in all affairs, but in many for sure.
I need real help. The OW was and still is a close family friend of his parents and sister. The ow told his parents and sister everything my husband told her and all about our problems at home and how she would be a better wife to him than i ever could be. His parents and sister now believe the OW and think that my husband would be better off with her. We have been married 21 yrs and have 2 kids (17 and 19). OW has told many lies and fabricated a lot to my inlaws and sister in law to make herself look better. Now they believe her! How can I deal with this on top of everything else? My husband thinks it will all blow over. Doesnt want to jeopardize his realationship with his family by sticking up for me and ratting out the OW? Am I just kidding myself? Will we be able to work through this is he cant even stand up for me in front of his parents?
I’m in a lot of pain mentally and emotionally. My husband cheated on me when we were getting engaged and after I found out we went through 10 weeks of counseling. I felt like he was just going through the motions. He felt bad that he hurt me, but he didn’t truly make any real changes in his behavior. After we got married he continued to look at porn, and follow pages on social media with live nude stripping etc. Flirting with women . Also had 2 emotinal affairs. I have never been anything but a loving , caring and respectful wife , Ive taken good care of him physically and emotionally. I pay attention to him and dont neglect him. He has always told me that he loves me and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and that he’s happy with me. He says it’s not my fault. Yet, he keeps doing these things that lead him to look at more porn, talk to other women online and through text. I love him , yet I’m so hurt and disgusted with his treatment of me that I am to the point that I don’t feel safe with him emotionally and can’t let down my guard enough to be able relax and it’s ruining my sex life with him . I dont trust him . He’s been telling me for over 2 months that he’ll seek help . But , he hasn’t done it yet because he says he’s embarrassed and isn’t sure how to go about it. I’ve always been the one who’s taken the steps in our relationship to seek help for me and for us. He needs to take the necessary steps to seek help and stop breaking his promises to me. I shouldn’t have to do everything for him. He’s a grown man! Yet , it’s always me who has to initiate getting us help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m broken.