Burning Questions for the UnfaithfulHere’s a common problem…

You are a betrayed spouse and you have questions.  Lots of questions.

Mostly of course, you have questions for the unfaithful spouse.  You’re searching for answers and yet at times those answers are extremely hard to come by.

You may need to know about the affair details, or what your spouse is feeling at a particular moment, or about his or her intentions, etc.  

But when it comes to getting the answers you need from your unfaithful spouse, more than likely at some point since your D-day you’ve run face first into a brick wall.  You get stonewalled, gaslighted, lied to and yelled at.  You’re getting everything but the answers to your questions.

Confusion, frustration, anger and resentment set in (among other things).  If only you could get into your unfaithful spouse’s mind so that you can better understand what the heck happened, why it happened and what to expect.

Help us so we can help you

We’ve been kicking around a new project that we’re thinking may be helpful if you’re currently in this situation.  The title of the project would be something along the lines of “Getting Inside the Mind of the Cheater” and we need your help to put it together.

Since the project is intended to benefit you, we want to address the questions you have. 

So, for our discussion this week…

What are your burning questions for unfaithful spouses?

Don’t hold back.  Anything goes.

Our intentions are to then assemble a group of several unfaithful and/or formerly unfaithful spouses and interview them using the questions that you guys help us come up with.

See also  Discussion - Feedback and Ideas

Understanding the cheater’s mindset has always been a challenge for our readers since we started this blog and we want to help by providing you with some real life case studies. 

You can list your questions in the comment section below or if you would rather contribute privately, you can email them to us using this link.

If you are an unfaithful spouse and would be interested in participating anonymously in this project, then please shoot us an email

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

LINESPACE

    53 replies to "Discussion – Your Burning Questions for the Unfaithful"

    • Gizfield

      This is ironic, because about a month ago, I got into my safe deposit box to get a few items out. One thing I found (but wasn’t looking for) was some diaries I kept back in the early 90s and was involved in my affair. I decided to read them to “get in the mind of a cheater” but so far they are just sitting in the trunk of my car. I just remember thinking that it was vitally important to write this stuff down. I hid it under the desk drawer at work, lol. I can only imagine the drivel I wrote, it disgusts me to even think if it. But yes, I would life to participate in this and will be brutally honest too. I have no fond memories of the affair or my affairpartner

      • Doug

        Thanks Giz. We’ll mark you down as a participant and will contact you when ready to go.

    • Gizfield

      Oops, hit wrong button. Anyway, I have no fond memories so I’m sure I will be disgusted as everyone else by what I read. I’ve also hesitated reading it because there will be some very bad stuff in there involving my first husband and mental, physical, and emotional abuse from him on there as well. Not a fun read. I never confided in anyone at that time, about either situation. Probably due to shame and embarrassment.

    • Gizfield

      Thanks, Doug. I’m looking forward to it, I think. I’m sure it will be very educational for me to confront the “real truth” and not just my vague memories.

    • Broken2

      Did you think about us?
      Did you care that you might get caught?
      What did she have that I didn’t have?
      Why wasn’t I good enough?
      Did you love her?
      Did you touch her?
      How did she make you feel that I didn’t?
      When you were lying and sneaking around didn’t you know it was wrong?
      Didn’t you think that this might end my marriage?
      Did it feel wrong ever to you?
      How could you care so much about someone who was willing to destroy the lives of your wife and children?
      How did you sleep at night knowing what you were doing?
      How did you justify the affair in your mind?
      Why did you do it?
      Did you blame me and why?
      How could you take my trust for you and stomp all over it like dog crap in the backyard?
      How do you now look at yourself in the mirror everyday?
      Why do you get angry when I want to talk about the affair?
      How can you possibly believe that this will be completely behind us like it never happened when it was something that fundamentally changed who I am?

      Some of the questions I have asked in the past. Even though I have answers I quite often wonder if they are true.

      • Doug

        Thanks for the list, B2!

    • Healingperson

      The burning questions…

      Before I knew of the affair, when you began acting weird and distant, and you told me you had issues that you could not quite understand or explain, and that we needed to separate or even divorce, and as much as it hurt after 23 years, I wanted you to be happy. So I told you to leave. I said I would make it work to co-parent. THAN you left for the night. The next day you came running back, at your own will! (later to find out that you stayed at her house, but had no sex!). You told me you loved me, did not want a divorce, I said OK. And mean while you were having a full-blown EA the entire time!

      Why did you come back?
      Why than, you said you loved me and continued both lives?
      Were you weighing the two, who was better?
      Were you afraid to face consequences?
      Did you just need a bit more time till the time was right?
      You needed me to find out?
      After I found out, I told you to leave, and you did not, why?
      Why than, if you chose not to leave, you were angry with me for getting in the middle of it?
      Even though now you tell me what a nightmare it was, do you think of her?
      I can on forever, but this will do for now!

    • Doug

      Thanks HP!

    • lin

      Why are you so uncomfortable talking about the affair- I think about it all the time.
      Why do you still act so distant?
      How is it that you can text her 400 times a day but you seem to have a difficult time touching base with me once a day?
      Why are you reluctant to discuss any future plans?
      Did you think about your family while having your affair?
      How did you think things were going to turn out?
      Was it worth it?
      How did you continue to lie with such apparant ease?
      These are just a few . . . . .

      • Doug

        We appreciate it Lin!

        • Strengthrequired

          So far everyone who has replied has posted some questions I would like answered.
          Yet funny enough, was it worth it is a question I truly like.
          I have asked my h this, and honestly I can’t remember what his response was.lol
          Yet I’m sure it would now be definitely was not worth it.

          So here is a question. Very much like the one listed above.

          Was she worth all the pain, grief, all the torment, all the embarrassment, all the downfall and pressure it put on our family, finances, business. Was she worth wasting over a year of your life, and another year of your life trying to get back on your feet. Was she worth the hardship?

          I truly can’t imagine anyone saying that, well yes she was?

    • needhope

      What were you thinking?
      Did you ever feel remorse or guilt?
      Did you ever think about the promises you made?
      How can I ever believe you again when you lied so much?
      What does love really mean to you?
      What does the phrase self control mean to you?
      What does leader mean to you?
      What does protector mean to you?
      What does honestly really mean to you?

    • Battleborn

      The one question that I have that is not listed is:

      How can you tell me that you loved both of us at the same time.

      Yes, he did go there and he was very irate when I asked him… Still no answer.

    • lin

      A few more:

      Did you consider that if she will cheat with you she most likely would cheat on you?
      How much did she know about your wife and family? We knew nothing about her.
      Do you have any idea how much this hurt your wife and children emotionally?
      Do you CARE how much this hurt them?
      How much do you still think about her?
      Is it really over?
      Will you do something like this again?
      How did you justify sneaking over to her place and lying about where you were?
      Where did I go wrong?
      Should I ever trust you and how will I know if it is safe to trust you again?

    • JennyN

      I can remember when I found out they were in touch again asking

      Do you hate me this much? He answered no he did not hate me at all. I believed him then and continue to do now.

      I then asked him Do you hate yourself this much?

      That he could not answer.

      Hate is a strong word, and might be substituted with other words, but it is a conversation that I can hold onto and realize how little this was about me.

    • Gizfield

      Strength, I will let you in on a secret. Affairs really require VERY LITTLE EFFORT. I can’t really think of anything my husband did for his girlfriend that required more than a minimal effort. Some emails and texts at work, some phone calls while he was in the car, maybe a few meals, I don’t know. A birthday card and unknown “trinket”. Stuff he does all the time, with other people. As for lies, they dont require effort, the truth does. Marriage does, dating relationships do. They have to deal with the real world, and a whole real person not the fake ass phoneys presented by “affair partners.” I got mad cause I read an email telling his gf what a “good mother” she was. What??? You mean the chick who followed a pilot across the country so she could shack out in front of her daughter? The chick dating a married man? Whose daughter is in therapy, and remedial school, and who he offered to pay for a “boot camp” for??? But you know what, I BET she was telling Mr. Lying, Cheating Adulter what a Good Father he is. It’s mutual flattery based on Nothing. No effort there.

      • Blue

        I agree with you on this Giz, except for that lying doesn’t take effort. Actually, lying takes so much effort hence why the CS starts getting irritable with the people they lie to. When you’re telling the truth, no matter how difficult it is to do, the truth needs no extra thought.

        Now, one problem which I have experienced is when someone believes the lies and false stories they tell- no matter how minut. It’s kind of scary and comes from a narcissist or ‘low’ person. My husband (CS) and in fact his whole family does this at times as they love the attention focussed on them. It’s really irritating to me and one thing that I don’t like about him and them. They actually squabble who’s story is right? Huh?! and you can’t tell, because they all believe they are the ones with the truth. Really freaky. Maybe that’s why he was so good at lying through his cheating- it’s a part of his families dynamic.

        I constantly have to remind myself of all of thier good qualities- especially his as he’s the one I’m trying to love and like so I don’t leave him and break up my beautiful family. I’m sure there’s qualities he doesn’t like about me- in fact he says the only one is when I get mad at him for all this crap. Cheating just makes me feel so pissed off! It’s dishonest, shallow and dangerous creepy thrills.

        • strengthrequired

          Yes, I believe lying does take a huge amount of effort, especially when the person doing it, isn’t a liar to begin with. Again, yes, they get very irate when their lie is found out. Makes them work harder to cover the next lie up.

    • Gizfield

      I can hear it now. “you are suuuch a good father, sacrificing your own happiness putting up with that flat, lazy bitch, Gizfield.” One of my favorite posts, no my favorite post, on here is “An Amazing Story of a Husband’s Emotional Affair” aka Bus Girl. The tone is a little flippant at times but the description of the affair relationship is spot on in my opinion. I never could really figure out what was in this for my Hs gf before I read this. But yes, she is a “pathetic, attention seeking skank” just like Bus Girl. So “validating” over nothing, just like Bus Girl. So “innocent, I could never Do That ” (while doing it, lol), just like “Bus Girl”. Why this is important is so that you see the Other Woman for the loser she is and are no longer intimidated, jealous, insecure, etc. They are NOT glamourous, together, etc, they are pathetic just by definition.
      One more thing, Strength, most cheaters DO NOT experience many bad “repercussions.” I know my husband didnt. Mostly my friends and family knew, and in the South, not many people will call them out. In fact, overall, I’d say his situation actually IMPROVED. Sucks, doesn’t it??

      • Strengthrequired

        Funny, giz, I can hear the same thing….lol
        Stupid little skanks they are. Hey giz, these ow don’t know anything. Our h have a whole lot more woman to love.

        And yes, definitely not much effort required to have an affair, I agree with you there.

    • Lynsey

      Questions I’d like answered are: How can a lying, never-been-married, never-had-a long-term-relationship, who only knows one side of the story AP ever be able to “help with our marriage”? How can you continue the secrets & lies once the truth has come out about the affair, especially after seeing the crushing pain you caused and telling me you love me? How could you set up more hidden phone & email accounts and think that it wouldn’t hurt me after you lied and said it was over. How could you think that “we should all try to be friends”? (said while in the affair fog, but come on, really?) How could you give the AP/parasite thousands of dollars of gifts & cash and your credit card when I was struggling to help us make ends meet by working several jobs, and you encouraged my working so hard? How can you think that I am not changed forever by your stupid behavior?

    • Broken2

      Lynsey I heard the same thing “she was helping me with our marriage and understanding you (me)”!!! We have been together for 43 years…if you don’t understand me by now…theres a big issue. She was going through a divorce because her husband cheated on her. Its amazing the stuff cheaters come up with!

    • Gizfield

      B2, I heard the Helping Me Understand Women one as well. I said “as soon as I become a demonpossessed, alcoholic, pillhead ex prostitute I’ll let you know”. Those are all things he said about her, not that I said, btw.

    • Doug

      Thanks to everyone who has listed their questions! There are some really good ones here. We really appreciate it!

    • tryingtoowife

      My husband was very busy for a while, before and during his affair, and I questioned many times: – Could you try to be home for dinner tonight? Can we do this together?
      He ALWAYS made me feel guilty with: You can not understand how much work and how hard I have been working! I have no time for anything! I am under so much stress! So the question:
      – If you were so busy, how could you suddenly find so much time to be with her? Going to her place, lunches, restaurants, etc.

      – Did you ever think of me when you where enjoying your great “free” life?
      While I was going around like mad, working, looking after our family and lives, and unknowingly by doing extra, allowing you to be “free” to spend time with her.

      – I worked really hard at keeping the finances in order and went without, and you where having fun at buying presents to your “S**t”. So, how do you explain that she deserved more than I did?

      – When you said that you never intended to leave me for her:
      How could you be so sure that that it would not happen?

      – Was I such a bad partner, that after nearly 20 years with you, I deserved to be placed as the second best in your life?
      Because she was given a choice, she knew of me and your children, but “I” new nothing of you and her! You and her took my life, our family in your hands and played with it as you pleased! Did that make you feel good? Powerful?

      – When you mentioned some nice achievement from our daughter, she refused to let you talk about your children with her, we where supposed not to exist between you two.
      How could that not wake you up from your stupid “la, la land”? Being forbidden to mention your children, the children that you claim at that point you still “loved”.

      According to your own words – you had found out that she was selfish, self-centered dangerous and was threatening you, and you did not want to be with her anymore.
      – How could you still be able to have sex with her? Have an erection under pressure? Going back and Enjoying it?

      – Now you tell me: “But now I love you so much! I want you so much! If only you could see it! It would certainly help to heal you!”
      Why did you have to keep testing your love for me? Do you love me more than before, and why? Did you have to break me so, to really see me?
      I, never tested my love for you, I did not have to. I kept waiting, to have you back, even when I though that I had lost you, but had no idea why.

      • Blue

        Tryingtoowife- basically everything you said is what I feel and have been through. The only exception was that the OW wanted to know everything about my kids (I ‘spose in case she got to take my place?) I saw texts from her requesting one of my daughters pictures before I told my husband I knew about thier cheating. I was trying to find out how serious it was because I knew my CS would lie about it. I knew what she looked like from FB and what her kids looked like. When my husband was out of town, I spotted her leaving my daughters hockey game with her toddler daughter at an arena far from her area not to mention a car stopped outside our home in the country. She was probably getting obsessed and taking pictures. I was freaked! She didn’t see me seeing her but I believe we were being stalked. My husband didn’t deny she was capable of this which kind of made him go quiet. I always meant to make us watch ‘Fatal Attraction’ again. Make him feel barfy about her in his soul. Everything shows how dangerous to the whole family these relations can get- all skewed crazy making obsessions!

        • strengthrequired

          My h ow wanted my life well and truly. She wanted my h and our children as well. She even started using our surname.
          I brought up fatal attraction to my h, because anyone that can start using your surname, is far more dangerous and I believe more willing to get me out of the way.
          It all seemed so planned from the start with my h ow, everything. She did seemed orchestrated. Each time a hole would appear she would quickly find a way to cover it up. Eventually the hole I created for her, she couldn’t cover up anymore she fell right through it.

    • exercisegrace

      I don’t want to be the party pooper, and trust me when i say that I have asked my husband HUNDREDS of questions over the last two years……BUT. There will never be a satisfactory answer for any of the questions. The cheaters did what they did from some awful, broken, vulnerable place. They really mean it when they say they didn’t intend for it to happen and they never meant to hurt us. It wasn’t about us at all. It was about soothing themselves with someone else’s lies. A temporary lie, to staunch a long term problem. Every cheater will have a different answer to the questions. And while some of their answers ring true, I have found (at least for myself) there simply is no answer to the only question that truly matters to us all…… WHY DID YOU CHEAT? There is not an answer on earth that would make me feel any better about what he did. No answer would be an “acceptable reason” for him to have betrayed me so terribly. Nothing will explain it, and make me say…OH!! OK!!!! I finally understand. NOPE. I never will.

      I am moving to a place of questioning him less, believing in MYSELF more and being very clear about what I want the future to look like and what I don’t want it to look like. I think sometimes my CALM is scarier than my crazy. I have my expectations plainly put before him. He knows what will happen if this ever occurs again. I have long and short term goals for healing. And that includes ultimately moving away from this area. I know he is not thrilled with that but he accepts it as the fall out of his bad choices.

      After making your list of questions, I encourage you guys to make a list of your OWN. One that is about YOU. Make a list of goals, or expectations, something that depends on YOUR input, and not the subjective input of your cheating spouse and his whore colored glasses, HA!

      • Doug

        Great advice, EG!

      • Healingperson

        EG,

        THANK YOU so much for a very well put response. I second every word you said!

      • Blue

        I too think you hit a nail on the head, EG! Your fallout is very similar to my own. How much all of us seem to have in common in this CS world.

      • tryinghard

        EG
        I had to LOL about the calm vs crazy 🙂 I know my calm scares him my crazy was always predictable. I agree with the questions and like I’ve said, I have my answer and it is BECAUSE HE COULD. Does it make me feel better, no, but it’s better than the constant questions.

        I’ve been doing exactly that with the help of my therapist. Questioning myself and it is reallllly scary. I’m so afraid I will come up with good answers and tell his sorry ass to leave. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been wonderful the last couple years and as forthright as he can be, I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me, life and sex has never been better for us and I am infinitely grateful, but the fact remains I don’t trust him. Not only in that he might cheat again but in pretty much anything. I don’t know if I ever will. So I take it day by day.

        So I guess I don’t have any questions for him other than what the others have stated. The one I’d really like to ask questions to is the OW but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of asking.

        Maybe this will help BS in earlier stages than us?

        • strengthrequired

          TH, the ow is it worth it, the answers she would give will only be self serving for her, not you. All you need to know is she was into a good person, she was a bottom feeder, feeding off of your leftovers.
          What is there to love about that, for any cs, nothing.

    • lin

      EG I think you may be right. I am 7 months out of D-day #1 and 4 months out of d-day#2. I think I may be wasting my precious time and energy if I think I can figure out why someone does something like this. Sitting in the hurt takes so much energy and is necessary for a while- however if I wait till I understand why cheating happens I am afraid I will be sitting in it forever. I am trying to accept the fact that there were many contributing factors. I am trying to look at the factors that I can influence and then move forward. I understand that we are all human beings and make mistakes . . . it just is so devastating to face infidelity.

      • strengthrequired

        eG, as usual, your right, every cs will have a different reason for why they did what they did, and why they let it go on for the length of time that they did. I agree too, most of the cs here were at a very low point in their lives, midlife crisis, depression.
        I bet half of them don’t even truly remember what, why and how’s.
        I have never blamed my h for his ea, because he was not himself, I blame the ow and her family for playing with his mind at a vulnerable state. Now this ow blamed him for things that happened to her when he wasn’t even associating with her, and he took it all on, beginning to blame himself as well. Now that is how vulnerable he was, to take on blame for something that was not at all his fault.
        Now there is something I do him responsible for and that is the length of time it took to rid us of her. Yet it is well and truly over with her now, and that I am thankful. So really, I don’t have many questions anymore, not like I used to, because like you said, no answers will make it any easier after what we have been through. The only thing that is going to make it easier is for that chapter of our lives to be closed and a new chapter to begin, where these ow and om in our lives are no longer causing havoc, they are shut out of the rest of our lives. Now our cs have to honour us in this next new chapter and never allow this person or any other person into our lives again that can potentially cause this old chapter to open up again. We have to protect our marriages, both h and w and not let anyone third party in between.
        We have worked hard to get to the point we are at, so a sign saying “no low lives or cheap skanks welcome” should be hung up at the door, and maybe even on the car number plate. Maybe, “no skanks allowed on board” would cover it for my h. Lol
        However, seriously, I don’t want to keep bringing up my h ea with him, he does not deserve it, especially now I know she is well and truly out of the picture, we deserve to move forward, without the need to watch my back.

        EG, you were talking about moving, I was lucky enough to move and to feel better in myself, yet because my h is so far away, I have been thinking of moving back to be closer to him. I’m tired of the distance. Yet I am not sure on how I will cope living there again, or even running into the skank at the local shops. Yet it is so hard being apart. So if we can’t get things sorted soon at our business, then maybe I won’t have a choice. My children will be so devastated if we move again, but for my h we may have to.

    • Gizfield

      Blue, I agree that lying can be tougher from a “logistical” view of having to remember what you said. I was talking more of a moral view. Most liars just dont seem to have a hard time with it morally. I have had at least two boyfriends who were pathological liars, and it did not bother them one iota. Plus, it’s not as hard as you think really. I’m really honest but my parents were very strict, meaning I couldnt do ordinary things, like wear makeup, go to friends houses, wear lots of various things, see my boyfriend, etc, etc, etc. So I lied to them routinely. I got very good at it, it didn’t bother me, and I didnt lie to anyone but them. I’m not proud of this but it just is the way it was. So it’s a very easy pit to fall into. As far as my husband goes, I think it was very easy for him to lie to me, because I wasn’t looking for lies. If he came home late and said he was at work, as far as I was concerned he was at work. So he didn’t really have to make up anything elaborate cause I didn’t make it necessary. Guess cause I was so insecure and jealous….

      • Blue

        I agree with you, Giz The more they lie the easier it gets when they get away with it, and the worse they become as a person. If they don’t get caught and recieve no consequences, like anger and fear from thier spouse, they will just keep digging thier dark creepy hole deeper and deeper. They can desensitise themselves from the pain they have caused because they are cowards and that would mean it is true that they have been very creepy humans.

        It wasn’t overnight that I saw remorse from my husband. I even said to him and our counsellor he may a mental disorder like a form of autism (runs in his family too) that he can’t put himself in someone elses shoes. He can only understand what he feels, like the world revolves around him. I must add, in five years, through lots of turmoil, he now is the best most loving attentive husband I could ever have dreamed of- though I work hard on being the same to him.

    • tweet

      I have asked every question stated here, and I agree with EG – I’ve never received a satisfactory answer to any of them. After 2.5 years, my husband’s EA has infiltrated every aspect of our lives – nothing is the same as it was before. So the question that I continue to ask him, after yet another holiday of struggling to put on a happy face for our family and friends, is “How could you have done this to me?” I don’t expect that there will ever be a legitimate answer to that question, either.

    • jeddy

      How could you watch me throw up and physically deteriorate for almost a year? I confronted you and you lied and every lie made me vomit. I was a puddle of tears for months, begging you for answers and to help me. You called me crazy and paranoid and acted so glib and arrogant. You could have helped me but protected your relationship as you watched me fall apart. Why didnt you help me?

    • BeckyB

      Why did you waste my life lying to me making me believe you loved me and were faithful to us when every day for 19 years you lied to me every second why? If as you say you always loved me you say you never loved your multiple whores why do you did you tell them you loved them (you say you told them whatever it took to get sex and ego stroking) why can’t or won’t prove by telling them the truth that you in your own words you USED them for sex YOU PAID them for sex (can anyone say PROSTITUTION) you paid with lies you paid with my very life YOU PAID NOTHING personally. Why do you defend another mans wife (she is a serial cheater she has 2 bastard kids by 2 different men while she is married by 2 different cheaters) why do you tell me I am cruel for needing to see hear and feel as you tell your whores you never loved them that you never cared about them you just fucked them if its true why do you refuse to give me the proof that you so freely happily and easily that you didn’t love me why do you deny me the same proof? Why did you stop loving me yet you always made sure I loved you? I’m not sure I love you enough anymore

    • Tiredofitall

      I have asked and continue to ask the same questions. Add in the fact that I had been diagnosed with cancer 15 months before they met and was recovering from about a 5th surgery when my H met the OW. I realize how hard of a 15 months it must have been, but when I allow myself to ask, the question is: how could you leave me alone emotionally when I needed you the most? I was completely fooled by my H. I thought we were in the best place we’d been in in 20 years. How could I have been so wrong? Thank you again for this site and the articles. They bring strength.

    • Kim

      I would just like to ask him if he really thought that I was stupid enough not to know something was going on. Did he really think I believed that they were no longer seeing each other, when he had passwords on his phone and computer, and mysteriously received calls and messages from “friends”at all hours of the day and night? And, now that it is over, i would like to know what he really thinks of her. Why he feels that he needs to defend her when I put her down. Also, why he felt the need to run me down to her (which she repeated to me while she pretended to help me with our relationship).and my main questions are, will you ever apologise for the damage that you did and the hurt that you caused, and will you ever show remorse, instead of trying your best to get me off the topic when i mention it?

    • Kar

      I don’t think I will ever get the answers I want since my husbands affair was with my friend since we were 7 years old. We both knew she was not a true friend. We both knew she was so jealous of my marriage and how close I am to my kids and after all of that he thought he loved her. As we both listened to her talk about 6 different men she slept with in a 2 month period and he thought he was special. They both thought I was jealous of her. Who would be jealous of a person who sleeps with every man that gives her a ounce if attention only goes to AA meetings to find her next victims and well going to AA and bragging that she no longer drinks but was now addict to pills (but she never told anyone in AA that part). They say men can put things into different departments on their head but how do you do that when she was coming over every day with my kids and me in the room. Know he is so embarrassed I don’t think I will ever know the hole truth. Know he saw when I found out she had no problem walking away and she found a new guy that admits himself into the hospital because he is Schizophrenic but he gives her the pills she needs. What probably bothers me most is she is so dumb she does not realize that it was not because she is so special. She does not read anything or watch anything to have the knowledge to know that she was just at the right place at the right time. She does not realize that if it wasn’t her it would if been someone else. She forgot as her daughter that doesn’t even live with her she choice to live with her step father after age finished college. Even her daughter said she thinks her mother loves my oldest son more then her and know he can’t stand her. She doesn’t realize all these guys she sleeps with are just using her but can’t understand why she can’t find a good guy. She can’t understand she can’t get a good guy because she has nothing to offer but her body. I will never understand how my husband could know all this for years (we dated since we were 18 so he knew her for a long time since we are know 50) but he let himself think he loved her cause she would tell him I would of made dinner for you (he actually thought she wouldn’t cheat on him if he left me). How do you forget that I always said she wasn’t a true friend I felt sorry for her (my biggest mistake ever) she would push her daughter off on anyone every weekend she sent me a email that my 11 year old could of typed and phrased in proper English. She told me her doctor gives her a subscription for her pills and this was before I figured it out. He read her email and that’s what he thought he wanted. All I can think is he didn’t think much of himself that he thought someone that is so screwed up was worth giving up his hole family. I want to know how he never thinks about it and can act like it never happened yet after almost 2 years I still think about it everyday. I learned in the future if I ever become friends with a jealous person I won’t stay friends with them. What a sick and miserable person she is to be willing to sleep with my husband and throw figs for 6 months cause she wanted me to know she was proud and how dick he became yo think that he had something better. The only thing that did help me was knowing what a miserable person she is that I was never jealous, never lost my self esteem I was more disgusted that my husband could actually think she was a prize.

    • Kar

      Just saw my typos . I meant how sick he became to think that he had something better. And I meant to say when I look back I now realize all the little digs she would throw my way she was trying to tell me but at the same time since my husband was on some meds she would steal from the drawer she did not want to lose her supply so she couldn’t come right out and tell me although now I know she was dying to tell me. What a sick person she is.

    • Joan

      A little over two years after D-Day and we are still in counseling. Why? Because for about a year he promised not only no contact…electronic or otherwise…but since I had found him following her on social media I asked him to stop that as well. He just kept on doing it until I stumbled upon his daily searches on her activities….almost a year later. She goes to our church but he refuses to leave our church. She is not interested in him but he had blurted out while upset during an argument that he was such a failure that he could not even get an affair partner to love him back (he says now that was just feeling sorry for himself). Now he is reinventing what he did…recharacterizing into an “email relationship” even though he drove by where she lived and at a church party told her he wanted to see her some time over coffee (in front of me…I had just found the emails but had not yet confronted him). My question is how can you think it right for you to try to downplay what you did into nothing at all when you caused me such pain? Why can’t you just take responsibility for it and say you are remorseful? Up until a few months ago he thought it ridiculous that I would not want him at church when she was there, but I had to watch him mourn to be by her side from afar (he could not keep his eyes off of her). He says he is over that but doesn’t dislike her and still finds her very interesting and curious about how she is doing. Oh by the way. She was 18 years old when he started this infatuation with her (as he terms it). Now a college student. Friend of my kid’s.

    • Ark-broken heart

      1. Why the “trickle truth”…..your emotional affair was discovered by me when an IM came in and I accidently opened it and saw the words “I love you” from another woman states away you were having an emotional affair with…..I was in total shock thinking we had the marriage made in heaven after 20 years….the trickle truth of letting me think it was a one time thing and not realizing the magnitude of it…the songs you sang to her, the cyber sex, the devotion and energy you gave to it, the “I love you” and discussing our marriage…..you made me think it was a one time happening when in actuality your internet affairs had been going on for years while I had no idea. I worked outside the home…you retired and worked at home for a business…I was not computer savy…you were! The trickle truth???…..I felt like honesty wasn’t being given…and it had to be me to contact the other women…yes, one by one….finding numerous internet affairs and also you met with some of the women. I only received trickle truth when I confronted you by what I found out. So much hurt, pain, confusion, shock to me….you were my hero and after it all came out..I was devastated beyond words….we are rebuilding but my trust and love is different. If only you had had the courage to be honest and open from the beginning of discovery….healing would had been so different.

      2. You said you loved me with all your heart…I was your life after the discovery…..yet you were allowing me to live a life of lies and deceit. You said it was just “fun and games”….yet that is not a game when you hurt another person deeply. How could you live with yourself and your deceit and look me in the eyes each night telling me I was your world

      3. If you wanted “fun and games” at the age of 62 while you dallied on the internet with women in their 30’s…why didn’t you just come to me and say, “Our marriage is stale…I want out to play. I wouldn’t have held you back….I never had a choice in what was going on in my life without my knowledge….what gave you the power to make choices for my life?

      • Lynsey

        Ark- Broken Heart asks “I never had a choice in what was going on in my life without my knowledge….what gave you the power to make choices for my life?” Wow, that is THE question!!

        • Joan

          Ark-Broken Heart – I am so sorry for you. I understand the pain. Please – if he won’t go to a counselor – do not stay with him. You are worth more than that. And you will have a full life ahead of you. At least we are in counseling – it is slow going. But he needs to go to counseling. And you need to make a stand. This is abusive of him. Please take care of yourself.

    • theresa

      I just finished reading today’s discussion topic, “our first date”. This question came to mind. What does he consider their first date?

      • Strengthrequired

        Theresa – guilt….. That’s their first date.

    • Anne

      To the Cheater
      How do we convince you that we know when something is going on?
      Do you really enjoy compartmentalizing your life? Do you feel clever to do so?
      Why do you like to play dumb like you don’t know that this friendship is inappropriate?
      Have you considered that you have addictions that have not been discovered?
      Why did you blame it on the other person and then on me?
      How could you” accidently get drunk on purpose and then blame it on the alcohol?
      If you think people accidently get drunk, have you considered that you might be an alcoholic?
      Did you even know that there are different manifestations of alcoholics?
      Did you know that a great relationship developed with your wife is much better than a shallow and risky relationship with the OW that could ruin ever reaching that kind of relationship with your wife?
      If you are stressed or feeling insecure, did it occur to you that telling your wife will only bring you closer?

    • theresa

      Given 20-20 hind site, what was your mind set when you knew your son was having such a hard time dealing with his girlfriend’s betrayal! AT THE SAME TIME as your little adventure.
      What did you say to him when he reached out for your support? Did you ever even try? I spent hours and hours on the phone with him (does not live near us), did you have any time for him?
      How’s this for a scenario. Your effort was now to go into high gear and push for more than just talking. While you were supposed to be coming home (you had been out ALL day), within 5 minutes of contacting her to set up a tryst, your son called for help. Did you “help” him? What words of wisdom did you pass on?

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