Note: This is a guest post by Sara K.
One of the biggest leftovers an affair leaves in its wake is a shaken trust. My husband and I have spent nearly 3 years putting back the pieces of our shattered lives, with a few vital changes along the way. This I expected.
What I didn’t expect was how cheating would make me question my own level of trust in my now teenage son.
Gabe was only a mere eighth grader off to summer camp when I found out about my husband’s infidelities. He was spared the ugliest part of our brunt as I mindlessly went about packing him up and shipping him out for his four weeks away.
On the way to dropping off his luggage, I was so distracted I got in a fender bender on the five-block drive to the checkpoint. When he came back we were already underway with our healing process. It was a godsend that he wasn’t home those first difficult days.
Now, three years in, our son is sixteen. He’s a very different guy than when we started on our journey. As I see him growing, I see more and more of my husband in him. This used to make me love my husband more, now maybe – not so much. Sometimes it scares me how alike they are.
On some primal level I have a need to protect my son’s future wife from the hurt and pain my husband brought to our marriage and ultimately my family. We have overcome, we have created an amazing place in the here and now, but if I can spare my son from cheating – well, damn well I am going to give it a try.
Nothing is more hormonal than a teenage boy. I often liken my husband in his “before” stage to a teenage boy. Seeking out just a sneak peak of a woman, these boys lurk online, anywhere they can for sexual spurts. I have already found traces of this on my son’s computer. Normal, I remind myself.
I have made it my mission to raise a boy who doesn’t partake in drugs, alcohol or sexually deviant behavior. I have taught him to respect women, their bodies and their images. I have told him to imagine his little sister being looked at by another teenage boy. These women have families, parents, siblings and naked or not – they deserve respect. “Gross” he responds. He hears me, I hope.
My son is popular with the ladies. He has a ton of female friends, more than most guys his age. He has learned to become an incredible listener, to care and most of all value what a woman has to offer beyond just her physicality (although at sixteen I am sure that he also enjoys that as well).
I have made mistakes. In my attempts to protect my son, I have been over-protective in my early stages of healing. Checking his computer religiously, his cellphone use, over searching his room. I invaded his privacy and I knew I was overstepping my boundaries. At 14 and 15, he hated me – rightfully so. I was projecting my need for control over what my husband did right onto my son. Anyone could have seen it, anyone but me.
I realized about six months ago that I wanted to have a better relationship with my son and the only way to do it, was to do what I was doing with my husband – trust him again. My son had not done anything wrong. He was in fact, a great kid. Here I was treating him like a criminal in my own home because his father had made a huge mistake. We all survived and it was time to let it go.
When the light bulb finally came on and I gave my son the privacy he deserved our relationship instantly improved. I realize now that trust issues from an affair stem way beyond the spouse – it rocks your world. It’s imperative to keep yourself in check and seek help if you cannot.
We’ve been hurt, we’ve been ‘tricked’ but – remember, we’ve survived. Don’t let the innocent pay for the mistakes of the guilty.
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5 replies to "When Affairs Mess With Your Parenting"
My children, too, have seen some effects from me as a parent. I ‘preach’ about how cheating is wrong, and hurtful, and cowardly! How it is selfish, and I talk to them more and more about how life and love isn’t like the TV, that it is work, REAL work, but that it is worth it! I make sure to tell them that I love their father even when he is making me crazy, and that marriage is a committment – a promise not just to your spouse, but a promise to YOURSELF to be faithful and true, and to not give up as easily as our society allows today. My children have no idea what happened with me and their father, and we have tried to shield them as much as possible as well… always trying to put on a good show… but they have seen some changes. Now THEY aren’t our first priority, and now WE have date nights, and spend more time alone. We are trying very hard to work on US as a team. Differing parenting styles have made that difficult as well, but we are TRYING. My husband’s parents would be mortified if they found out what he did – he had a full-on physical affair, though am not so sure really how emotional it was for him, as that changes it seems with how long we move from D-Day… I don’t know if they could ever forgive him… heck, I can’t forgive him… I do know, though, that I already have the speech written in my head that I will be giving my children and their partners about marriage when they reach that milestone… That speech never existed even in a half-thought before… and now it is well written… cheating is for cowards, and marriage is not for the faint of heart… and once you bring a child into this world, your life is no longer your own… Mating for life is NOT abnormal, and it exists everywhere in nature… there are even some insects that mate for life for goodness sake!!! Life isn’t about YOU, it’s about US…
cheating is for cowards, and marriage is not for the faint of heart… and once you bring a child into this world, your life is no longer your own…
You are sooooo….right. I have been the parent to these children while he built his career. Now he says I never respected his desires or ideas on parenting but I was the one who always represented “US” in his absence. He would sit through whatever event he actually attended playing solitare on his phone or taking a call (probably from her). I represented him on everything he ever was supposed to do Scouts, sports, homeowners association, holidays…..and I never respected his wishes?! He always commited to things saying “we” could do it; knowing full well that it would be me trying to fit it into an already overloaded schedule. Now I’ve stopped covering for him and I’m the villain. I tell the kids “NO” we can’t fit something in and he holds that against me – is he here to help – No, never – he is off with her while I’m juggling kids and now 2 jobs. AHhhhhhh, now I have to go fix dinner, check homework, wash for tomorrow, get to work, prepare for my full time job and where is he……..not here parenting. I think I’m about through trying to represent his parenting side of the marriage…..in fact, sometimes I wonder if he married me for my genes and the fact that I would be a good parent ……..without him. So sad. Where did he ever find the time to charm a mistress and maintain a relationship with her…..I feel like I can’t take a breath without someone noticing.
I would say to my kids, I feel like changing my name to dad, not mum.
Forgot to add this.
I too wonder if my parents generation of accetping infidelity has contributed to my husband’s behavior. He grandfather was an important man in WWII – had multiple affairs, my father-in-law had 2 “girlfriends” that I know about. My own father had affairs……..everyone took them back! Is my behavior of hiding my husbands betrayal going to tell my boys that this is OK. Do I expect my daughter to put up with betrayal…..conversely am I giving her permission to do it to?
Cj, I wonder the same, am I saying to my kids unknown to me, that it is normal to let your h or your w to have an affair, and let them treat you so disrespectfully. While you keep fighting for your marriage, protecting their (h/w) feelings.
Am I saying to them it’s ok to have an affair, your h/w will take you back.
I would like to think I’m showing them, that it is wrong to hurt your h/w, having an affair is wrong in many ways, but if you see your h/w is in need of help, you don’t turn your back on them, you show them the right path o take to get them healthy again.
You marry someone to be with them for the rest of your life, it is a commitment, you don’t give up on it so easily, you try and save it.