As the holidays quickly approach, it’s time to speak your mind and share your struggles.
In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the open discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.
We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.
This time, we’d like to focus on the upcoming holidays and the typical struggles that occur during this time of year. Also, we’d like to hear in general, what your struggling with. What are the hurdles to your recovery and healing?
We appreciate it as it not only helps to share and get the input from others, but it also helps us with possible issues to address in future posts. Thanks!
With that said, the floor is all yours!
Feel free to discuss anything…
- What’s on your mind?
- What are you struggling with?
- Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
- What are your plans for the holidays?
- Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
- Got a question? Ask it.
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What’s your favorite movie of all time?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
- What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
- Tell us a little about yourself.
- Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!
Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below. And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
34 replies to "Open ‘Mic’ #38 – The Holidays Are Coming. What’s On Your Mind?"
I have a question. What if after infidelity is discovered, the betrayed spouse refuses to proactively discuss the affairs or even the relationship? I stated proactively because the several times I attempted to initiate an honest open dialogue, things got nasty and negative pretty quickly. Ironically none of the negativity was geared towards the cheating, she focuses entirely on things I did or didnt do during our entire relationship, which weren’t indicative of any infidelity or cheating of any sort. Its been almost 8 months since “D” day and communication is stagnant, we only discuss our daughter, our work, and our families…nothing else. And we are both working with professional counselors. I’m 100% dedicated to earning forgiveness in whatever time frame she needs and wants and ultimately seeking rebuilt trust, greater communication, strengthened emotional intimacy and lastly romantic physical intimacy. I feel clueless and helpless…and often as I’m fighting for a lost cause. Please help.
Hi Jeff, Thanks for your comment. That’s a tough situation indeed and I feel there can be a few possible things going on. (Perhaps some of the other BS might chime in here to add their 2 cents as well!):
She’s still dealing with her anger and pain which is still too much for her, and is causing her to react emotionally.
She is struggling with her realization that you, your marriage and her life are not what she thought they were. And she is “reviewing” your past life together to come up with some answers.
She’s trying to understand why this all happened and is focusing on possible reasons that might help explain.
That is wonderful she is in counseling (and you are as well) and perhaps through that – and with your help, she will be able to work through this at some point. It’s best to be patient, supportive and understanding – while continuing your own work and recovery/healing efforts. Sometimes it also just takes some time for her to work through her own pain, etc. while also realizing that you are committed to her and your marriage, are remorseful, you understand why you did what you did – and she can feel vulnerable enough again to be able to trust that it won’t happen again.
We went through a similar phase when we were about a year or more into our recovery. Linda experienced delayed anger which was a bit puzzling at the time to me, because I thought things were going quite well – and I think she would agree that they indeed were. However, even when we were out having a great time, or getting along wonderfully, she’d bring up affair – related stuff or pick a fight – or something along those lines. I felt at the time like it was if she was trying to sabotage our recovery. She came to the realization that doing those things helped to keep her safe. It was a secure “place” for her as she wasn’t quite ready yet to be 100% vulnerable out of fear of being hurt again in some way.
I hope that makes some sense.
This is Jeff W. Yes Doug it does make sense. I realize how deeply I hurt her and caused trauma not just pain. I’m not looking or seeking justification for my cheating or my despicable behavior. I just am getting mixed signals from her. When we “talk” seriously it has routinely become negative with me listening and showing whatever empathy I can. I’ve asked repeatedly how and what I can do to help her heal with no response. I’ve been accused of trying to control her healing by sending pictures of me when I’m out of the house in order to demonstrate transparency. I’ve also been accosted for spending time with our daughter without consulting her as “I’m the fun dad and she is the sad, tired mommy.” She has stated she is moving out of the household when she can find a place she can afford, however she is spending money hand over fist on what I think are unnecessary items and finding excuses not to move such as “they don’t allow pets.” I’m torn because if I do too much I’m patronizing her and trying to sweep my affairs under the rug and if I do nothing, she may believe I’m giving up on our relationship and her. I’m sure not a unique situation but very trying to manage while keeping everything as normal as possible for our daughter.
Jeff, It is great you are in therapy and coming here trying to figure out what you can do. It really is so hard for everyone involved. As the betrayed I can say it took me a solid year before I was not freaking out, upset, crying, wanting to have the same discussion over and over. It was a really hard year. Then it kicked in for my husband and he started figuring himself out. I was kind of surprised by that. For that first year he was there for me trying to fix things. All I can speak to is what worked for us. My husband is a mental health professional so he has so much experience and professional knowledge that helped him a lot. One article that was so good he came home with from work early on was in The Atlantic, The Masters of Love. It was really good and approachable since it was just a short article. My husband tried to answer any and all questions I had, he suggested we scale back everything in our lives and only work and take care of our kids otherwise almost 100% of our time was spent together. We would sometimes just sit together, watch tv, cook together, go for a walk, go to the grocery store together. Basically total immersion for that first year. He also talked to me a lot about how he knew that it would take time and he had to be transparent all the time and act as if I was next to him at all times. He talked about love being a verb and beyond words he had to show that whether it was a hug, doing the dishes, letting me sleep in etc. He kept telling me it was 100% up to me if I wanted to stay with him and he would be there for me. Since then he has told me he was not sure he could do it, he felt so bad for what he did and some days he just wanted to be alone. He told himself to try it for at least 6 months since habits take that long to break or form.
As far as your wife goes she needs to figure out what she wants. I spent a lot of time alone thinking about those things. I went to therapy which was amazing. I personally made a commitment to try and work it out for our kids. I was determined to give it my all and if it did not work out I knew I did my best. Also one other thing that hit me often whether we stayed together or not I needed to work through everything he did. And I felt like it was better to do that together. I knew there was no way I could just leave and create a new life.
I could say so much more but I hate to go on for too long. Please ask questions. We are here for each other!
Jeff
As Doug and Hopeful said it is great that you are both in counseling. It’s not surprising to me, that your wife is sending you mixed messages. She is in crisis…..she probably has no idea what she wants. It’s ONLY been eight months since her world was shattered, In my opinion the cheating spouse has somewhat of a limited understanding of the pain they have caused. You sound like you sincerely want to FiX things and move on. It just doesn’t work quite like that.
Are you open to answering any questions she might have with complete honesty?? Is it possible that you are shutting her down without realizing it? When you ask her how you can help her heal……I doubt she is ready for that yet. I doubt she has any trust in you this early in the game.
I would stand down a little if I were you…….
I know with the holidays coming up there will be many triggered for both betrayed and unfaithful. I truly hope the unfaithful in your lives are aware what this time of year and if the affair was occurring during these big holidays how they affect the you. I say be honest with them and tell them how you feel.
If we looked at phone logs, which most betrayed are very familiar, they will see how their spouse snuck off to make contact with the AP. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I hope the betrayed can make that clear to the cheater in their life and that the cheater is empathic to those triggers and shows true remorse.
But i also want to tell the BS you cannot put any more emphasis on one day than any other day the cheater betrayed you. I don’t say that flippantly. When i would go down that rabbit hole in the early years of discovery and reconciliation all i wanted was for the holidays to pass. Then one day i decided that one day of him cheating was no more significant than any other. Why give more significance to December 25 than June 3? The cheating and lying and deception was all those important dates as well as the less important. As i let go and stopped putting emphasis on Christmas or Thanksgiving and returned to enjoying the holidays with my family the less triggers. I didn’t control him on December 25 anymore than i did on June 3. It was all wrong. Every single day they made that choice to cheat.
If you are early in discovery this information may not help. Because damn it you’re just mad anyway. And you should be. And that anger WILL pass. I promise. But if you’re down the road just try not giving those holidays such a big part in your recovery because it just doesn’t matter. It was all bad. No matter the date.
I hope I’ve helped. And i wish you all a very gratitude filled Thanksgiving. With new memories and hope.
TH, I agree with you totally. Also another aspect that helped me was to think of what the affair already took from me and my family. I at some point flipped the switch and said I was not going to let it drag down one more special day. I never knew why the holidays were not great. Now I know my husband was distracted and/or depressed due to his actions. That has been my solution to help me enjoy the holidays to their fullest.
Thanks @at tryinghard. I was just about to post a question as to how to deal with this 1st year of such painful truths about what was happening right underneath my nose, in my home, at my holiday table, and around our tree last year. I do not feel he deserves to be here, and as I continue to say if there were a 100 things my CS is supposed to do to reconcile, he has done a 110. The problem now is that I am not in love with him. I wanted him back, I prayed for him back, and when he did return, he came home with a pocket full of lies. I fought for my marriage as long as he didn’t touch her. A few months after his return his conscience couldn’t take anymore and he revealed the truth about his affair. It is so so so very hard to love some one that intentionally hurt you so bad. Fine, he had an affair, but he didn’t have to lie about it. He watched me cry, he saw me suffer, he heard me ask the questions…knowing that I already knew the answers, and yet he still lied. Now he wants us to work, to be in love, to be the family he almost lost… all of this after he had his fun and destroyed my soul. (Fyi, it was a 6 month emotional affair, turned attempted physical after I kicked him out for catching them still talking the second time.)
Thank you TH,
I haven’t visited here lately but had a little time and thought of all of you. My dday was Oct 5th 2017. The start of my very favorite time of year. The worst of my experience and trauma were suffered through every holiday and our anniversary, which is in January the last 2 years. Two years of holiday seasons have been a nightmare of trauma, triggers, escape, struggle, anger, deep depression and just going through the motions feeling physically ill, depressed and antisocial. Watching the Hallmark channel as I traditionally do while decorating for Christmas was suicide. I thought I’d never be able to turn that channel on again. Just opening the storage boxes and seeing all of our family memories of past holidays brought such emotional trauma I thought I’d never be able to enjoy the change of seasons and holidays again.
Here we are on our third holiday season and all of that trauma has subsided. I’ve enjoyed the change of seasons this year and the decorating, shopping with my husband and look forward to company and cooking with my husband and family with hardly a thought of escape. I am still a bit emotional however spontaneous but it is different now. It feels more nostalgic as my husband and I are empty nesters and I miss my kids being small and all around me but 3 of them (we have 5) and their families will be here for Thanksgiving and I so look forward to it. And my husband does too. I started decorating early and without a thought turned on the Hallmark Channel and something wonderful happened. I enjoyed myself. Felt like myself. I so love the magic of love and romance on the holidays. I think I’ll buy a new dress and spoil my husband on Christmas Eve this year. And some Mistletoe too! 🙂
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Hey Soul Mate–Well it def takes some time and distance from the whole DDay debacle and I felt the same as you in the early years/months. I just went through the motions for nearly every day let alone holidays!
I hope I wasn’t being insensitive to those new to this experience. Like oh hey don’t put so much into it. Wrong! You must do what you can do for those first holidays. For some it means little decorating, at least that was my case. I got the tree up and that was IT. I also didn’t cook that first Thanksgiving as I felt very little for which to be grateful. My h and I went to Chicago for the parade and froze our butts off lololol. I loved it. I used to go all out for holiday decorating, well not so much Thanksgiving but Christmas for sure. I just didn’t want to. I felt I had done so much in the past to ensure a nice holiday for everyone including myself and to what avail ?!? And it was ok, good even. Nothing much changed and the holidays came and went.
As time has passed more grands have been added and now there are new memories. Things are still different and I don’t nearly as overboard but maybe that’s a function of my age too. LOL that ceramic Christmas tree sitting on the top shelf of my basement gets louder and louder “Put ME up instead.” 🙂
I think mostly I was so effing sick of the triggers and that emotional rollercoaster that I simply chose I wasn’t going to give it any more power over me. But it took a lot for me to come to that decision if you know what I mean?
Happy Holidays to you Soul Mate whatever they may be my friend.
Jeff, when she talked about other things that you did or did not do throughout your mariiage, how did you respond? Even though you may feel that these are not directly related to your affair, but there may be a less obvious connection to the affair that you don’t understand yet. I’m a betrayed, to me my CH’s affair was a natural extension of a lot of things that he did or did not do before the actual affair took place. So even though DDay was a complete shock to me, I was not surprised, if that makes any sense. For example, he would never discuss anything that he is uncomfortable with even though he knows these are important to me before the affair. Because he did not have the courage nor skill to deal with these stress factors and conflicts, it was natural that when there was a fantasy place for him to hide into outside, he jumped at the opportunity. So I think you need to really open your ears and listen to her seemingly unrelated “complaints” and have the curiosity to really understand what it is that she is trying to help you understand her when she talks.
Who knows
That is an amazingly insightful comment. I can even relate to your example. My husband also avoided “uncomfortable “ conversations etc …….holding everything inside.
Jeff, I reread your 2nd post which provided more details. For “I’ve also been accosted for spending time with our daughter without consulting her as “I’m the fun dad and she is the sad, tired mommy.” ”, here is how I would interpret things from a BS point of view.
First of all, spending time with daughter without consulting her, the key message is without consulting her. This could easily be a trigger and stir up bad feelings when you were in the affair. What about consulting her? Let her know your plans for the day beforehand? Ask for her opinion. If there are changes in your plan, let her know at the earliest possible moment? Tell her what you did with your daughter afterwards and how you feel. Why you think it’s important to spend time alone with your daughter and how it benefit you and your daughter. Communication before and after the event! I can’t count the times when CH said he was going to do something then “changed his mind” but really went to see the OW, or how many times he just didn’t think I need to know his plans and whereabouts because he was intentionally hiding things from me. That could easily be a trigger. You need to tell her sorry that if it had been a trigger for her and that you wouldn’t do it again without consulting with her first and follow through.
“I’m the fun dad and she is the sad, tired mommy.” What I hear is a cry from her of how much she was damaged by your affair. Did you let her know that you know that she is sad and tired now is because of your wrongdoings? Do you remember how fun she was when you first dated? And what has happened that turned her into such a tired and sad person? It is her mourning the loss of herself, a better version of herself. I have cried many times over this, thinking how I reduced to a fraction of the positive happy personality that I was at the time I got married. Life happened, it was not just the affair, but the affair definitely had a big part in it. Have you told her that you realized her pain and suffering and you played a part in her becoming this person that she did not like herself, but you will do your best to help her to become a better version of herself from now on? Have you thought about her spending money freely might be a her way of self-medicating to numb herself from the pain?
Just my 2 cents. Think along these lines and tell her how you feel and what you understand now and she may one day open up to you again, Jeff. Without that understanding, she just sees no hope in you and with you, I guess.
Who Knows,
This is Jeff. Thank you for the very succinct and poignant responses. You are correct in many ways. I realize the depths of my spouses pain, anger, and hurt. I admit I’m not the most insightful person on the block and at many times unsure of what to do or what to say or how to act around my spouse. I will never truly understand the emotions going through that of a betrayed spouse, unless it happens to me. During our relationship, prior to my affairs, I was not the best spouse I could have been. During our discussions when she brings forth the things I did or didnt do and how they make her feel, from her perspective, I readily agree and admit mistakes. I’m not defending any of my actions in order to be “right.” I was immature, selfish, self absorbed, ego driven, and conflict avoidant. I shut down during conflict and often stonewalled her. However, I did and still unconditionally do love her. Its difficult to repeatedly be barraged for all the mistakes Ive made in the past and not really even address my infidelities, but I am hearing and listening to her anguish. What I struggle with is the lack of communication in regards to her healing. I’ve asked several times and continue to do so, “what do you need from me in order to further heal?” One time she did reply and stated “continue to heal and work on yourself and build a better relationship with our daughter.” Then as I stated in the last post, I was accosted for doing just what she asked of me “building and stronger better relationship with our daughter.” I truly am remorseful and want to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and potentially reconcile. It will take time. I’m continually torn because with good reason she doesnt trust a single word I say and my actions havent been the most admirable to say the least during my affairs. I’m not looking for a quick fix and do not want to sweep this under the rug. I feel as my attempts to demonstrate real change are being viewed as a scam or guilt-ridden response to what I’ve caused. Since, “d” day I’ve been in counseling, now in recovery counseling and group therapy for sex addiction, changed jobs to be more accountable for my whereabouts, written several letters of apology, full verbal disclosure of my affairs and addiction, continually make myself available and offer to answer any and all questions about anything she needs and wants to know to heal and mover forward, I have offered financial recompense, apologized to her adult children and parents who know what Ive done, provided passwords to my phone, computer and all online accounts, installed tracking and blocking software on these devices, send my location to her phone at all times, keep in contact with her via text whenever I’m away from home alone or with our daughter, and periodically provide updates on my therapy and things I’m learning about why I cheated and what psychological issues have affected me during our relationship. She has stated I stop apologizing for what I did and to continue to live here with me she had to “forgive” me, however, based upon the lack of any genuine communication regarding how she feels or what she wants, I feel she hasn’t even remotely forgiven herself, let alone me.
Jeff
IT HAS ONLY BEEN EIGHT MONTHS!!!!! I can feel the pressure you are putting on your wife from here. You mention more than one affair and addiction……that is a lot for a BS to process!!!! She does not have to tell you how she feels right now……she probably has no idea how she feels.
And what does she have to forgive herself about???? As for forgiving you…..well that could take some time….you need to be prepared for that. Forgiveness can be a long hard process.
I hope I am not coming across to harshly but I really think it would be helpful for you to back off……pressuring your wife will get you nowhere. I doubt you realize that you are pressuring her but I can feel that pressure in your comments.
Shifting Impressions,
Thank you for the insight. I realize I’m coming on too strong and it may scream desperation and pressure her immensely. I feel helpless sitting back and doing nothing proactively to help her heal while demonstrating genuine remorse and regret. The lack of communication on my part got us into this mess as I didnt adequately communicate my dissatisfaction and needs in our relationship, and thus made the choice to betray her. Now, I feel I have to demonstrate change in my actions,behaviors and increase effective communication which agreed may be pressuring her too much. I’m not opposed to as much insight and suggestions to help her heal without confrontation or reopening any wounds or causing more harm.
Jeff
Going for personal counseling and working on yourself is NOT doing nothing. I totally agree with Whoknows that you have a long journey ahead of you. We all do…..there simply are no shortcuts in dealing with the aftermath of infidelity and betrayal. At this very moment your wife is fighting an epic battle inside herself…..she is riding a wild roller coaster ride of emotion
A couple of things that might help:
LET HER KNOW:
You are willing to talk should she want YOU to talk
You are willing to answer all questions
You are willing to LISTEN to her should she want to talk
You will try not to become defensive should she decide to talk
And then most important of all take a step back and FOLLOW HER LEAD!!!
Remember these things take time…..there is no hurrying through the process.
I wish you the best in this painful journey
Jeff,
Just as you think you are not good with emotions and empathy, she may not be good at communicating her needs. Can you do some couple therapy and let a professional guide you through the process. A therapist may also help her let out what she needs from you.
Your pre-affair issues are almost identical with my CH. To me what I want the most from him is to have a plan and stick with it. He needs to take the initiative and lay out a plan with specific timeline and measurable steps for the work that he will do for the reconciliation. And he need to persist and work at it every day for a little bit. Rushing to do a bunch of things here and there without any methodology and at a very superficial level does not help. It needs to go deep and methodical , I’d say at least every topic (such as how to address his low self esteem issue, or learn how to negotiate in a conflict) would take a month or two. Do your work at a steady pace even if she does not respond. Do it for at least 6 months and see if that changes.
Another thing I’m working at is to learn to respect my husband again. Of course, he needs to do the right things for me to be able to do that, but I think it’s a very important step in our reconciliation. I would recommend the book Love and Respect if you haven’t read that already. Basically it says men’s Greatest need is to be respected, and women, be loved. Our marriage relationship took a downturn when my CH did some despicable things that caused me to lose respect for him. And that made him feel really bad and unfulfilled which eventually led to the affair. So right now, I think the most important thing is for him to do the right things to earn back that respect. I know, I should respect him unconditionally just like women would like to be loved unconditionally, but I’m really not there yet and his behaviors before during and after the affair were so despicable that it was extremely hard for me to conjure up any respect toward him. But now actually he has a chance to win back that respect by doing some tough work in reconciliation, and that will make him feel good about himself again and would be the start of a positive feedback cycle. So, challenge yourself, do the things that are hard for you and mean a lot to her. Be her hero so that she can respect you for your courage and motivation and will. I wish my CH would do that.
I also want to applaud you for all the great things that you have done. I’m like you, always wanting to do everything as quickly as possible and get to the bottom of things quickly, I need direct answers and straight to-the-point communication. But I came to realize people have different personalities and communication styles. Maybe your wife’s style is such that such direct talks would take a big toll on her and leaving her emotionally drained. You need to respect that and learn from your therapist how to best interact with person like that.
Finally, I have a rule of thumb that expect your recovery time to be at least double your affair duration. Let’s say if your affair lasted 2 years, then I think it probably would take 4 years for your relationship to come back to maybe 80% of what it once were. That’s how I set my expectation that way I don’t get easily frustrated and disappointed.
Who Knows,
This is Jeff. As far as couples therapy, thats another ball of wax in regards to our relationship and my affairs. On the advice of my counselor, we discussed several periods of sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse I suffered as a child and how I had to come to grips with how this affected our relationship and lack of emotional intimacy. In response, my spouse agreed to try couples therapy. I was becoming more worried as she had quit going to her own individual counseling while I was continuing mine. I felt we needed to have a way to express ourselves and try to build some communication so as to now make a horrible situation worse, especially for our daughter. As previously mentioned, I was continuing to hear the same things whenever we talked and felt we weren’t communicating in relating to healing. Nevertheless, I located several couples counselors and provided as much information as possible and sought my spouses input and her thoughts on which one to see and when. We agreed and met with our therapist once. Before our next session, the therapist contact my spouse and I and stated she would like to continue therapy with my spouse and I should continue my individual therapy as “conjoint therapy at this time would be counterproductive.” I’ve read several articles on betrayal trauma from infidelity and sexual addiction and from what the research suggests, this is the way to proceed. Individuals heal themselves with individual therapy, as part of recovery after appropriate time, couples therapy to address infidelity and relationship issues (communication, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, etc), then path towards forgiveness (or not) and rebuilding trust, connecting emotionally, intimacy, reconciliation, if both partners have agreed to proceed throughout. I may be oversimplifying the process as a ton of emotions and hard work are being glossed over. Any suggestions or comments are welcomed and appreciated as always. Thank you
I am not an expert and have not dealt with this. For me as the betrayed spouse I needed structure. What I came up with was we had a weekly meeting. It was a time when we would talk freely alone. We made sure our kids were not home. The helped both of us prepare. Not only my husband. I was not wanting to talk about the betrayal 24/7 either. I kept a journal every day. I would look back at that journal and it would reveal topics or issues I wanted to bring up. Within the first year it was 100% affair focused. Then it over time evolved to be more relationship focused. Through this process I followed “talk less listen more”. I would throw out something and just listen to my husband. No matter what he said I just listened. No buts or arguing or throwing in my 2 cents. He all of a sudden stopped being defensive and trying to fix things. For us this worked really well. We both needed it. For him he did not love it. He would have preferred to do his best moving forward. He hated himself for what he did and knew he was 100% to blame for my pain.
From the betrayed spouse side I think it is easy to pile on and look back and get upset about everything and anything. I honestly questioned every moment of my life. I felt used and abused. I provided an amazing family and life and was walked all over. Literally every conversation, photo, memory was called into question. My husband on the other had has said he felt like there was nothing he could say that would make it right or not get him in trouble. He felt like nothing he did was right after dday. He has also told me that during the “affair years” he felt that way too I just did not know it. So we had to really focus on each day. We worked hard not to dwell on the past and not to look ahead. It became a focus of what do you need from me today. Very basic. Also boundaries were very specific. Call me every day while driving to work, call me during lunch, call me on the way home from work, if you want to do anything outside of the family you need to ask in person, all details need to be provided….etc. I could go on and on. As my therapist said he was given all the freedom in the world and he threw it away. So now it was my boundaries. It really worked well for us and my husband saw them as a positive. He wanted me to have whatever I needed to feel safe and to start considering the option of trusting me again.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
It’s been 9 months since D-day and it’s still a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. Even without the EA discussion between my H and me, I still have to endure the pain, anxiety and fear of uncertainty of what’s coming next. Some days things are fine and calm. Some other days I found things go wrong and I have to confront him about stuffs that he was hiding from me. He snapped and made me feel bad for being angry that he lied to me. We got passed that and things are good again. It is so hard to discuss important topics like setting boundaries without it turning to a nasty fight. To him it’s a reminder of what happened in the past and I should be moving on by now.
I’m still doing the marriage police because I’m not even close to be over his EA. I see that he’s no longer in contact with the OW. I do see that he’s been messaging back and fort with a female friend of his. They used to work together 30 years ago. She doesn’t live nearby and I think the messaging is not very frequent to be another EA. But he does check in on her every so often to see if she’s okay. She has a depression and some suicidal tendency. I guess my H is being a good friend making sure she’s not harming herself. Maybe it’s innocent between them, but I’m also worried that anything can happen anytime, especially after his EA. They are so comfortable with each other, my H told her some personal stuff that he didn’t even tell me. A while ago I told him I was depressed over his EA and all of the arguments and fights we had, he didn’t react much. In fact he would rather avoid me than helping me through my depression. When I brought this up, again he’s furious that I have a problem with him talking to his friend. He’s thinking about smashing his phone as if it would solve the whole situation. He sees my worries as an attack on him. I’m sinking deeper into my depression.
I’m about to start with a new counselor to help me figure out if it’s better for me to stay in or leave the marriage. Maybe I’m too early to give up but I don’t know if I can handle any more of this. Does it ever get better at all?
I hope everyone have great Holidays ahead.
I admit, I have not taken the time to read all the posts so I apologize in advance if this topic has already been discussed.. It was about this time last year that my husband admitted he was fence sitting for @ 6 months. So, therefore it was DDay #2. He said he finally was going to cut off all contact with the OW. He sent her an email (bcc’d me) and has not spoken to her in a year. She is part of the company he works for, but due to the structure, he has little potential to see her. However, I am finding myself shutting down due to this time truly being the 1 year anniversary of knowing he had continued his EA even after he had told me he had stopped. I am still questioning if he truly did stop. Is he thinking of her? Wishing he still spoke to her? I feel I am sabotaging any progress due to my inability to trust. Any advise?
DE I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself If I were you. It’s not about an INABILITY to trust but rather that your husband behaved in an untrustworthy manner. Trust is earned and once it is broken it takes time to rebuild that trust. It’s only been one year and it’s difficult when an anniversary like that comes up.