It’s that time again…It’s been 2 1/2 months since we had an Open ‘Mic’ discussion. We’re due!
In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the open discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.
We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.
Anyways, the floor is all yours!
Feel free to discuss anything…
- What’s on your mind?
- What are you struggling with?
- What is your favorite college and/or pro football team? (Feel free to trash talk!)
- Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
- Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
- Got a question? Ask it.
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What’s your favorite movie of all time?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
- What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
- Tell us a little about yourself.
- Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!
Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below. And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
28 replies to "Open ‘Mic’ #37 – What’s On Your Mind?"
I guess I’ll kick things off here today….Was wondering if anyone watched the 20/20 episode on 9/6, “The Affair” and if you had any thoughts on it. It might be triggering for some of you, so be careful, but here is a link to the episode if you want to check it out: https://abc.go.com/shows/2020/episode-guide/2019-09/06-9619-the-affair
This was difficult to watch. Some similarities to my experience such as a long-term marriage and a much younger woman affair partner. I know the feelings the wife must have been having, so much hurt from the lies and betrayal of vows. Very painful. I think listening to The Spirit saved my sanity and my marriage when my husband told me of his ea. And, if we believe there is a Holy Spirit that guides us there must also be opposition. It is the opposition who orchestrates and therefore why so many of these affairs have so many similarities. Of course, we have our freedom to choose but, the adversary knows when we are at a low in our lives, we are at our most vulnerable. I’ve learned to say, I’m sorry…let’s talk…help me understand… These things have opened the communication line with my husband. Things are so much better yet, I still struggle to let go of the pain and try to trust again. There is always hope
This was so difficult to watch. Unless a person has felt the utter depths of pain caused by this kind of betrayal, they would come to the conclusion that this poor woman was mentally ill. He calls her mentally ill at the end of the video. But, she is not mentally ill. She is wounded beyond repair. She is humiliated beyond belief. She is unable to breath. I am so sad for her and wish she would have chosen to simply commit suicide instead of killing the other woman. That would have been more effective in causing everybody to understand the cataclysmic devastation that was caused by this affair. I understand that everybody will want to say that she should have moved on and gotten help and said, “Screw you!” but I totally understand the inability to breath and see a future after being betrayed the way she was betrayed after 24 years of friendship. Sometimes I am amazed that I have been able to continue to breath and love my husband. I will always be changed and different and sad. I am profoundly moved by this video and wish that I could have met her and valued her so that she could have felt valuable enough to stay alive. So triggering!! But, so important to watch.
I have not watched it yet but I will. I do have a few struggles of my own right now. My husband’s emotional affair began around this time last year with someone 20 years younger than he. After I found out the truth on the 3rd try, I kicked him out. He filed for divorce and they attempted a physical affair that didn’t go quite right. My dilemma is the holidays. He sat at our Thanksgiving table last year 2 weeks after kissing her for the first time, he was with our children and our grandchildren at Christmas… he was there, but definitely not present. He urged me to go out New Year’s Eve with friends and when I chose not to he went to bed at 10:00 p.m.. How do I allow him the grace with gratitude that we are trying to repair his damage?? The thought of him being here this year sends trigger emotions throughout my entire body. He doesn’t deserve to have this year when he took our life together for granted last year. I don’t want him here. He said he will do whatever I feel is necessary to make the holidays good for me and the kids. Am I being too hard on him? Am I wrong for not knowing how to handle the emotions that will surely be present no matter what I decide? We have discussed making new traditions, but I feel that will make me even more sad knowing why we aren’t doing what we would traditionally do. Please help me.
Update: I watched it. I HATE how he refers to her as mental, and that he started digging into why she was acting the way she was.
Watched the video and it is very sad and painful to watch. What struck me, is how Mark seemed quite calm and aloof throughout all this. I don’t know if anybody feels the same way as I do, but I do not see remorse and guilt commensurate for the actions that basically killed two women from this man. Maybe he is suffering in the inside and I just could not see it. Maybe he is not and he only cares about himself and that’s the kind of personality that would lead to having an affair in the first place. Maybe I’m being judgmental. For Jennair, I feel sorry that she lost her life over somebody (something) so not worth it, but I do understand where she is coming from. The hours she spent listening to and transcribing the recordings, it was a suicidal act in of itself. Sometimes we just have to pull ourselves out of a harmful situation by our own hair and stop the self destructive behavior even though it is a very hard thing to do. There were moments that I wanted to go down a destructive path too, but ultimately my instinct for survival won, which I’m glad that it did.
When he found them in the home and he says to his wife, “Oh, Baby what did you do?” I felt like the question should have been, “Oh, Baby what did I do?” Not to take away from the terrible choice she made but, it all stemmed from a terrible choice he made. Cheaters truly are being selfish and do not give a thought to those they are hurting with their choice. The pain caused by a cheater is real. It is deep. It changes a persons rational thoughts. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t realize the pain that is caused until it is too late.
So since this is an open mic I thought I would reach out for some advice and support! One year ago, my wife began an emotional affair and moved out. The affair became physical (of course) and we were working on trying to fix our marriage and find our way back to one another. They physical aspect of the affair ended but we began a cycle of her moving back in only to panic and announce that she couldn’t give me what I need by ending contact with the OW. She has moved closer to home but still says she needs time to “get her head on straight” and that she loves us both but wants to end contact on her own terms and that it is “getting easier”. I don’t know if I should continue to remain faithful and patient. I have been working on myself a lot but recently have been feeling the need to feel attractive and wanted. I want our relationship to be stronger and better than we could have ever imagined but I don’t know if I’m still just being pulled along because we are best friends and have such an attachment to each other. Any help or advice is appreciated and thanks to Linda and Doug for sharing your story.
Looking for some advice on how to move forward, husband had ea/pa which lasted approx 3 months and ended 2 years ago when he left me for the ow who then decided she didnt want him and i took him back. We have been trying to rebuild our relationship since then but i cant get past the fact that he chose her and is only back with me because she didnt want him anymore. Any advice appreciated.
I don’t think I could handle watching the video- way to close to home for me but I would like to make a comment on how many times I hear an unfaithful spouse say that their affair was the worst mistake they’ve ever made. In my husbands case, there was no mistake. He made a lot of bad choices in life which beat up his oversized ego pretty badly. He met a gal 16 years younger in a bar where he was having dinner with a couple friends, she flirted, and he ate it up. The next thing you know, they exchange phone numbers and in less than a week, a physical affair began. He knew exactly what he was doing and he knew the minute the flirting started that it was wrong. No mistake, just more bad choices. But I still hear professionals and unfaithfuls using the term mistake. The affair lasted 6 months until one of our daughters busted him by seeing texts. Disaster. Lied for a year and a half, finally began coming clean. The year and a half of lies did as much damage as the affair. So- mistake?
How tragic that 2 women died due to Mark’s poor choices. If I had access to the money to do that type of investigating, who knows. I still have so many unanswered questions about everything. The difference between my husband’s affair and most of what I observe about others is that I didn’t exist. He had portrayed himself to be unmarried. I was at home going through chemotherapy for breast cancer while he was out having a great time with a bartender half his age. It’s been almost 2 years since DDay and now that I am seeing things more clearly, I am not sure if I can ever feel the same. He has been remorseful and doing everything to earn back my trust, but I don’t think I can give it to him. I thought I wanted to save the marriage but lately, I’m not so sure. Absolutely everything, every day reminds me that he’s not the man I thought he was. That my marriage wasn’t what I thought it was. Everyone here seems to be able to move forward and I’m still stuck. I read and try, I pray, but I remain stuck in the pain. At first I thought I was moving forward. I am consumed by it still. Everything I used to do to help myself through it still reminds me. I did alot of yoga and meditation to get through the cancer. While I was doing that, he was with her.Now that is just another trigger for me. I fought for my life and honestly I wish the cancer would have just taken me and put me out of my misery. I still love him but I still feel a distance. I wish I could find the strength to go beyond existing in misery. I have tried everything. Nothing seems to help me. I feel like I’m broken beyond repair. Honestly going through surgery and chemotherapy and radiation was easier than coming back from this. I always thought I was a strong woman and that I could get through anything. Now I simply exist. Tormented by my very being .
Laura, keep praying. Whether you know it or not, there are others on the other side helping you. Pray with your husband. Pray for each other. Pray for a softer heart and to forgive. Have date nights. I’m so glad you made it through both of these terrible ordeals. We all have triggers and struggle at times. It’s been a year since D-Day for me. I still bring up questions to my husband. There has to be open communication. You have every right to have all of your questions answered. Once those questions are answered you will feel less and less stuck where you are. You are a survivor! It is time you start living. Best wishes!
Laura,
I really believe that this kind of experience causes PTSD. I was also stuck in my grief and really wished I could die because the pain was unimaginable. I could not even get through an hour without being triggered. At the time, I was suffering from hyperparathyroidism and didn’t know it so, during much of his affair. I was sick and exhausted. I think that adds another layer of resentment. But, I finally started doing Bilateral Music Therapy and was shocked at how quickly my anguish subsided. It is like EMDR that they do for PTSD but I was able to do it myself at home. I downloaded bilateral stimulation music from youtube and wore earphones. It apparently repairs the brain and helps the trauma resolve. I do not understand it but I started to feel better really quickly. My husband’s affair lasted almost a decade so I had thousands of triggering memories. If I could feel better, anybody can. I hope this helps and gives you hope. Some people are just weak and others are evil. You have to decide which your husband is.
Thank you both for the support and kind words. I have not heard of this therapy before, I am willing to try it. Music is a powerful thing and I have to find something that helps.
Laura
Your story is heartbreaking. Your husband abandoned and betrayed you when you needed him most. You don’t say how long ago this happened. In my opinion the grief one experiences after such a deep betrayal is a long difficult process.
I hope you have someone you can talk to. Are you seeing a therapist? You say that everyone here seems to be moving forward….it may seem that way, but if you read enough of the stories and comments you will discover that the majority of us find ourselves engaged in a battle of epic proportions!!! We take one step forward only to find ourselves taking two steps back again…..and some days we are just a puddle of pain on the floor. And this even if our CS does everything right. And how many of the cheating spouses do everything if anything right?? Most of us put up with denial, defensiveness and deception. They trickle the truth out slowly and then only as little as they can get away with.
None of us existed the moment they turned to someone else. Whether the affair partner knew we existed or not isn’t the point. Our partners knew we existed but at that moment when they decided to cross that line…we ceased to matter.
Take care of you….get the help you need. Give yourself permission to grieve.
My husband had an affair with my estranged 44 year old neice, 18 months ago. My husband and I have been through a lot together, he has never cheated, ever, and I never thought he would. I put her out of my life, however, I am stuck, I cannot seem to move forward. He is 64 years old and I am just tired of all the pain I have from the duel betrayal. I have been seeing a therapist, but still feel I am in limbo!!
Stuck
I think I takes an awful long time to grieve what was lost when our partners betray us. I too never thought my husband would betray me…..my d-day came a few weeks before out fortieth wedding anniversary. I also felt in limbo for a long time…..and I accepted the way I felt. I gave myself permission to grieve as long is it took. I cried everyday for three years. Slowly slowly I cried less. Then I was left with a very deep sadness. Slowly slowly that started to lift. At five years past d-day I felt like a survivor.
Many days it felt like one step forward and two steps back. Today as I sit here typing we are in a much better place but my heart still hurts when I think of what was lost.
What I would like to see discussed are the issues of a marriage that is impacted the severe health issues of one spouse and the toll it takes on their relations with each other, or the lack thereof, actually. For us it hasn’t happened in about 25 years. I had adjusted and just moved along with ‘what is’. But then someone else became attracted to me and I just fell right into his arms, rather literally! It definitely has been an Emotional Affair, as we did not ‘go all the way.’ And I was determined it wouldn’t. But still there was still enough romancing that went on. I discovered how much I had missed it w/ my husband and didn’t realize how vulnerable I was. I have resisted other situations in the past, and have always been on guard, so I don’t know why not this one, other than I was attracted to the other person as well. But my husband began asking questions one evening and I was not going to lie to him and told him what had happened. My friend and I broke it off, but after 3 weeks had a relapse. That lasted for about 3.5 weeks. We are now on the recovering side once again and things have been going better. But nevertheless, in all that I have read, I do not find anyone addressing a marital situation where health issues have impacted the marriage and what that does to the “well- spouse”. I turned 70 in the middle of all this and am amazed that this would even happen at my age, after all these years. My husband and I have been married for 48 years. Your thoughts?
I can’t say everything I am thinking because I don’t want to get ugly on here, but marriage is for better and for worse and in sickness and in health. That is the time a couple should come together. That is not an excuse to have an affair. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. It takes work and that’s what the commitment is about IMHO. People do not choose to get I’ll. I didn’t choose cancer. Communication is what should happen when the other person in the marriage is struggling with something, anything. That is all I can say because I find your post upsetting.
I’m wondering if anyone can help with alcohol problem? I was recovering pretty well, 6 months past D-day, until 2 days ago, I confirmed that my H never quit drinking when he said he did about 2 weeks after D-day. I accidentally found out he’d been drinking when I saw some receipts for beers. I was livid. When I confronted he was upset, no explanations whatsoever. He just said “I quit, so stop making a big deal about it.” He wouldn’t even answer when I asked how long he’d been drinking. At the marriage counseling, I brought it up to get straight answer, he said he drank because of his EA and he felt guilty and nervous, so I assumed maybe about a month. I was not satisfied with that answer, so I dug around to get better answer, I found out he’d bought beers a lot longer than that. Again, I confronted and again, he was furious. He said I was trying to wreck the marriage over this At counseling he straightened his answer, he said that he was stressed out at work so he needed to drink, it was for maybe 12 months or so. I decided to let it go because he said he quit.
I looked at our monthly bank statements and I saw that he’s been taking cash withdrawals every 2 week since he said he would quit drinking. I was looking for evidence like beer cans or anything like that and I found it 2 days ago. I was too upset for confrontations, I only left a note saying that I know he never quits. He shut me out for 24 hours. I’m devastated again. It’s like D-day number 2 even though it’s not about an affair.
I’m not trying to make a big deal out of drinking alcohol, but it is a violation of trust. It is a big deal for me because my H agreed to not drink when he married me 11 years ago. I don’t drink, it’s for religious reason, but I also see that alcohol can impair judgement. Now I start to think that his poor judgement for the EA could be because of alcohol, or that he just didn’t have much respect for me, or both. I hate to be a nag, I’m thinking about not caring if he drinks or not. I feel like there’s no point of asking him to quit drinking. I’m going to see a therapist for myself to help me get through this. I honestly don’t know what to expect out of our marriage. I want to have a healthy happy marriage with good communications, but currently it feels like I’m asking too much. I just want to get good therapy support for me first then maybe it will help me decide what to do next.
So my question is, how much drink is fine and how much is not? I don’t want to be a person who controls another person but I need to know if our marriage is going to be okay with him drinking. I don’t even know if it affects his medications. I can only say if I don’t want him drinking, it’s because I love him and care about his health. Marriage recovery after EA is already hard, now we have to add this in the process. I’m losing myself. If anyone has any thoughts or experience to share, please do.
Deeper Thought
It sounds like your husband regrets committing to not drinking when he married you. What bothers you the most the fact that he drinks or the fact that he hid it from you?? I think that whether or not to drink is a personal choice and something that we can’t really choose for our partner unless of course they have a problem with controlling their drinking.
Shifting Impressions,
It’s definitely the lying part that hurts me the most. Especially after I told him not to quit just because I found out the 1st time. Clearly he didn’t quit because of me. He insisted he quit, yet he didn’t. He lied because he thinks if I knew he drinks, I would be upset. He doesn’t think that it was even more upsetting once I know he lied. He thinks it’s totally fine to lie to protect himself or my feelings. It’s like he doesn’t understand the concept of total honesty that I expected from him, for me in order to recover from his EA.
Now that I know he’s still drinking, I choose not to care anymore. It scares me that if I care too much, I will get hurt again. It also scares me if I’m gonna find another lie in the future. I try not to think of it and keep myself busy, focus on doing what I care about. Maybe that way another lie wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Hi guys
How did you deal with the loss of a soulmate and confidante ? Your so-called best friend ?
I’ve been married 20 years, have 4 children. Still dealing with my husband’s emotional attachment which ended after one month. The lady whom he had messaged for one month is now married to her boyfriend, whom she had met last year in October. She started messaging my husband in February this year.
Teresa
I think that is one of the most difficult aspects of infidelity…..the fact that your best friend….the person closest to you in the whole world could betray you.
How did I deal with it?? I allowed myself to feel all the anger, the rage and the pain. I gave myself permission to grieve….however long it took. I realized very early on that are no shortcuts in this painful recovery process.
I went for some individual counseling and I had a few close friends for support. I educated myself on infidelity. One good book is NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass. I spent hours on this site reading and pouring out my own pain.
Baby steps….one day at a time!!!
Laura, I’m sorry to hear about your cancer and how it has been difficult. We have dealt with cancer in our family, too. As for my husband’s illness (which includes cancer), he lost testosterone in his system and has not had a romantic thought in years (decades). I tho’t I was fine with that, and had been for years. That’s not to say what I did was right, it wasn’t. I did not go looking for someone else. But it caught me off guard. Dealing with “post-affair” issues is a whole other ballgame. It has been a struggle. My husband’s response was anger at first (understandably), but not for long and he is working at making up for my loss of attention from him – to his credit! Every situation is different in it’s details. I wish you well, and wellness!
It’s been a year since my husband admitted an EA. I decided I would get all of my questions out by the year mark and never bring it up again. I went to my Amazon music account and began searching through purchased songs. There were ten songs or so that were purchased at the height of the affair, all similar in lyrics. All very painful to hear. One was ‘Want to Want Me’ by Jason Derulo. When I asked my husband about it, he said it made him think of me. A line goes something like ‘ I got one foot out the door, tipped the driver to get me there fast, I got your body on my mind, I want it bad.’ I asked him if it was ‘about me’ did he have to take a cab to the other side of the bed?
I thought we were okay. He makes me feel like it’s all me and i can’t forgive. I did forgive when I felt like I had the truth. I feel stuck along with so many of you. Losing the trust and security that was there for so many years is the worst part.
Destroyed by lies
Don’t be to hard on yourself….in my opinion, recovery is a fairly lengthy process!! So much was lost when our spouses decided to cheat.
It took me several years to come to the conclusion that I would probably never get the full the truth. Then it took more time again to accept the fact that I would never understand how he could do that to me or why. The first year was mostly about survival.
Hey everyone 🙂 It’s been almost nine months since I found out about my husband’s EA. We’ve been together 13 years, married 9, with two children. He initially said the affair lasted a year, but things he’s said and things I’ve talked about with my counselor kept my mind going crazy and thinking it was longer. Yesterday, he finally said it was close to two years. He never met her in person, as we live on opposite sides of the country. They met on xBox. They talked for countless hours, played xBox all day together, said “I love you,” and had phone sex. During this time, he said awful things to me and generally just devalued me constantly. I honestly just wish I feel better. We recently were talking about it (which always leads to him being mad), and I said, “I bet you think I need to just forget about it and move on.” He said part of him does feel that way. This makes me insane. He truly does not see what this has done to me. He thinks it’s not “as bad” because it wasn’t physical. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I think I’m ready to get a divorce. My heart is just breaking at the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. My heart literally feels like it is being ripped out of my chest constantly. He keeps saying he’s “trying” but I don’t even know what that means. He doesn’t want to talk about the affair, no longer thinks he needs counseling. I’m just rambling, but it’s helpful to get my thoughts out to a group of people that get what I’m going through. Thanks for listening. ❤️