If you are needing to be heard – but are someone who hates to talk – the “good” news of the affair is that recovery is going to change that. It has to.

needing to be heard

By ‘TryingToGetOver’

A common story on this site is that the cheating spouse does not wants to talk. In fact, wracked with guilt and unwilling to look at their own behavior, most cheaters clam up completely and accuse the betrayed spouse of not “getting over” things. 

It’s a lot to fight through, and something I personally experienced. After my husband ended his affair he did every cliche in the book, including getting me a mass of flowers and insisting that the whole thing was behind us when, in fact, we were at ground zero and rebuilding our marriage was just beginning.

But I wanted to cover another thing…

Needing to be Heard

My spouse is a very outgoing and talkative person. So once we were in couples counseling, it was often me sitting silently while he went on a long monologue.

He’d cover his childhood, his personal failings, his religious beliefs in great detail and it all helped me and our counselor understand his point of view. But for months in our initial healing, I could barely get a word in edgewise.

One thing that still stings, two years later, is the session after he broke up with his mistress for good. He literally talked and cried for our entire hour of counseling while I sat dumbfounded, brokenhearted and ignored. It was the loneliest feeling in the world.

See also  A Betrayed Spouse Needs to Know the Details of the Affair

After that, our therapist asked me to come in by myself a few times. And so began a slow process of her helping me to get my own words out.  (Click here if you need to find a therapist)

Honestly I have never been a person who likes to talk on and on about my feelings, I am a better listener. So for our entire marriage I’ve tended to be the quiet one, listening to him. That’s not his fault, it’s my own doing, and we have both come to realize that me staying silent is as bad for our relationship as him hogging the microphone.

The Affair Recovery Timeline – Shorten It With This One Shift by the Unfaithful Spouse

If you are needing to be heard – but are someone who hates to talk – the “good” news of the affair is that recovery is going to change that. It has to.

Over the past two years I have gone from someone afraid to voice my fears and sadness to someone who will put it out there, at least with my husband.

Truthfully I’m still not a person who dumps on friends and family. And I often don’t bring things up with my husband at home. But now, when we are in the therapist’s office, I say exactly how I feel and what I’m working through. I leave feeling great.

My husband might leave a little shocked, because like I said, I still can’t get that all out at home. But at least I get it out somewhere!

Enduring heartbreak does not have to wreck you. It can also rebuild you in a new and better way. This is not the way I would have chosen to get a life makeover. But it’s the way that was forced on me and so rather than folding, I am doing my best to grow stronger.

See also  Marriage is Not Glamorous

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Thanks so much to ‘TryingToGetOver’ for sharing her experiences with us in the aftermath of an affair.  We love to share articles from our readers.  So if you’d  like to submit an article for us to possibly post on the blog, feel free to contact us about your ideas.

 

    1 Response to "Needing To Be Heard – Get Your OWN Words Out!"

    • TryingHard

      When h and i went to MC i offered to back out for some sessions so the MC could talk to him and he could open up without fear of me interrupting or even intimidating so he could safely express himself. I’ve never had much of a problem expressing myself. I had very little fear of intimidation of reprisals. My h not so much. Well that was a big waste of time because i found out he was lying to her too because well impression management. He had to be seen as the good guy even to this perfect stranger whom i mistakenly thought we hired to help us get through the betrayal and start reconciliation. His agenda was for her to help me accept divorce reasonably lolol. Once i found out i let them both know i wasn’t there for any kind of mediation and if that’s what the sessions were to be i was out!

      So MC can be a narrow road if both people aren’t in agreement as to what they are hoping to accomplish. It’s important to speak up during those sessions so i did. Boy did i speak up. I quit hiding my light under a bushel. I remember at one point the MC said Wow TryingHard you sound really angry. Um yeah. Great observation doc!! I’m pissed!! Finally he told the truth and i know he was very squeamish at first but finally he opened up and i was there to hear it. I regret my acquiescence of allowing him to go to counseling He had every right to find his own counselor and talk and lie even but that was not the point of me going to MC. Plus i had my own IC to help me.

      There’s so much that must come out in these sessions and I’m glad to hear you are not letting your h domineer the sessions. I know it’s hard for those who have a problem talking or opening up. Plus after infidelity the BS doesn’t know what to say or do. I think being in shock plays a part too.

      Many of us do things we never thought we’d do. Who’d have thought we’d actually be saying out loud to a perfect stranger all our deepest darkest thoughts? But if we want change and progress we have to get out of our comfort zone.

      So my metamorphosis hasn’t been to open up more or talk more to him but to actually shut up. There’s no more i need to tell him about me. I try sitting and listening more without interruption. Plus i think he really doesn’t care how i feel so i deal with it in my own way. Works for me.

      Thanks for your article Trying ❤️

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