Good Wednesday to everyone!

Many of our readers in the past have expressed their frustration about their cheating spouse’s unwillingness to discuss the affair details.  In fact, it seems that sometimes getting your spouse to open up and talk about anything can be a challenge.

For most betrayed spouses though, it is necessary for them to know certain details so that they can heal, forgive, and hopefully move on to save the marriage and rebuild their relationship.

I found a great letter somewhere online that was written by a betrayed spouse that does a great job of explaining why the affair details are needed and how not knowing them is affecting the betrayed spouse.  You can check out the letter by clicking here.  (BTW…this is a great letter for a cheater to read.)

So, this week we want to delve into this issue of getting the cheater to talk about the affair details.

Consider the following points for discussion:

Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?

What is it that you are searching for?

What reasons does your spouse give for not wanting to talk about the affair?

How has your spouse’s lack of talking about the affair affected your affair recovery?

We’d also like to hear from those of you who have spouses that have opened up and talked about their affair details.

How did you get them to open up?

What was helpful in promoting effective conversation about the affair?

Has this communication carried over into other areas of your marriage besides the affair?

Finally, we’d love to hear from some wayward spouses to get their point of view.

See also  4 Ways to Empower Yourself After the Emotional Affair

Why is it so hard to discuss the affair details? 

If you have discussed the affair details with your spouse has it been beneficial in the long run?

If you have not, is it causing a stalemate in your spouse’s affair recovery?

Is there anything you can think of that might help in getting a cheater to open up?

Thank you very much for your contributions!

Linda & Doug

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    35 replies to "Discussion – Getting The Affair Details"

    • Rachel

      My husband still won’t give me details about the affair. He is very closed mouth and hates when I ask a question.He doesn’t feel that he needs to help me heal with answers. It happened get over it!

      The only thing that he did say to me last night is that he wants a divorce.

      • Recovering

        Rachel,

        Save yourself. File for divorce and drop his butt ASAP! If he isn’t willing to be open and honest, you don’t need him anyway!! I soooooo feel for you!

      • Anita

        Rachel,
        Someday this storm cloud will pass, in the meantime keep
        praying and let God work is for your own good. Romans
        8 vs 28 And we know that all things work together for good
        to those who love God, to those who are called according
        to His purpose.

        • Anita

          Rachel,
          I hope you and your husband are able to work through this.
          However this turns out, good will come from this.
          When my exhusband and I divorced I saw that verse and in
          my wildest imagination I didn’t know how that was possible at that time. God was faithful to me, my son
          moved to the city where I live and he met his wife. They
          have a child and one on the way in a few months. Had
          my divorce never happened, I wouldn’t have my daughter
          inlaw nor my grandchildren. Also many other good things
          have happened to me since that time.
          I know this is a difficult time for you, but it won’t last forever.

      • justbecause

        Rachel,

        Not sure where your H was in the affair fog. Mine was pretty much out of it by the time I discovered the EA.

        I would not file for divorce. I would put it in my H’s lap. I think my H wants me to make the decisions, do the work to make things change in whatever way. We are working on him facing problems – being proactive in our relationship.

        As others have said, read EAJ, get support, work on yourself, seek help form medical and/or counseling services.

        Only my opinion, certainly I don’t know entire situation.

        • Rachel

          Justbecause,
          My husband was pretty deep in the affair fog when he told me that he was seeing his ex g.f. from 30 years ago. He’s in love with her not me, they are soul mates, they are leaving their family’s to be together. So deep that he doesn’t remember saying half of these things and doesn’t know why he has said them. Hurtful things continue to come out of his mouth and then he takes them back a day or two later saying that he was pressured to say them. He’s been to an attorney twice. He’s the one who cheated and wants me to move passed that but he is the one who has seen an attorney? I just want answers . He thinks it’s fine to look up old girlfriends and go to lunch with them and text and email them or any women at all. I don’t agree with this at all.
          he will go on for months of not talking to me but the minute i ask a question he comes out with the very hurtful comments.
          I have sunken into major depression. I just want to stay in my room with the shades drawn and sleep and cry.
          I am in counseling every other week. This is couples counseling and my H refuses to go. He says he’s too busy. He never told her that he was too busy to meet her for lunch though.

      • norrine fay

        Hi Rachel,

        I am so sorry for you. I wish things were different and your hubby was out of his fog. My hubby has started to come out of his but before he did he was just as mean as your hubby. I never thought he would come out of his fog so I had to make a decision to move my life forward as he was not going to take responsibility for his actions. That is what kept me sane. I started going out with my friends and I went on a girls holiday for 2 weeks. I did not tell him, he just saw me packing. When I came back his behavior had really changed. Don’t get me wrong, he can still be obtuse, but I can see he is a lot nicer and remorseful. It took me getting on with my own life for him to change.

        I have been where you are and my heart goes out to you. It is very hard to move forward with your life, but for your sanity you have to, I’m afraid. Try small steps. I kept falling but kept going. My friend and brother are a god send. When I wanted to curse my hubby out, I called them instead to rant and they calmed me down.

        I know its not an easy process but you deserve to put yourself first. One thing I have learnt is you can not make someone feel remorse if they do not want to. You can only control your behaviour. Please feel better soon.

    • rollercoasterrider

      Rachel, I know this is so painful but you need to be far away from him.

    • Recovering

      I ask as little as possible anymore because what I do know tortures me, and what I don’t know can only torture me more… I don’t WANT to know the depth of what he THOUGHT he felt for it… his “feelings” weren’t real, so why should I go there… really the only part of the whole affair that still bothers me is the fact that he had SEX with this whore. I can’t even bring myself to KISS someone else, and get all stiff even when a good friend gets a little frisky when he is drunk (it was this way BEFORE I found out about the affair), and that he continued to have SEX with this whore repeatedly… that he could do such a thing in the back of a car… that he could even THINK that moving on to do it in a hotel room could somehow make him feel less “bad” about what he was doing…. that he could KISS someone else. It makes me want to vomit. I know it wasn’t passionate lovemaking – that he just got his. I do sometimes want to ask if she got hers, but I guess I would rather believe she was a vessel that he used and that he didn’t CARE if she got hers… because if he did then it would be a RELATIONSHIP instead of the “just sex” that he says that it was. If it “wasn’t about the sex” then WHY have sex with it… he was still having sex with ME!!! Just grosses me out… and also in a way makes me jealous because in 16 years I have ONLY been with him, and HE got the excitement of being with someone new, as disgusting as it was… and here I am left to be with just him… which is what I really want… but I still have a tiny part of me that wants him to feel the pain of knowing I was with someone else, even though I couldn’t ever do that… I just don’t understand how he couldn’t SEE it for what it was – a lying cheating whore, which I called the second I found out… I predicted every move it would make after the affair, and he argued with me at every step, and the whore proved me right over and over again… and NOW, a year after discovery, he is FINALLY starting to see it for what it is – a selfish, lying, cheating whore who only cares about itself. I don’t feel bad for him for this realization… was obvious from the start. I want to know it all, and want to know none of it at the same time. No matter what, however, even if he tells me I will be left to wonder if what he has said is the whole truth anyway, and the truth seems to be changing as time goes by anyway…. The “truth” from him is jaded anyway….

    • Greg

      Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?

      I needed to talk about the affair to understand why she felt she needed to do this to me and what was it about him that she did it with him.

      What is it that you are searching for?

      In asking for the details I was searching for what he had that she was attrached to and if she had told me everything about hat had happened.

      What reasons does your spouse give for not wanting to talk about the affair?

      Initially she ‘just didn’t want to talk about it’ but eventually she told a little more but wouldn’t want to give ditails too not hurt me more or to get me angry. Of course that made it worse as I imagined all sorts of thingshad been going on.

      How has your spouse’s lack of talking about the affair affected your affair recovery?

      Her lack of talking about the affair affected me in that I was unable to let go of the need to know because I didn’t have all the details and I was always worried that there was more she wasn’t telling me. I figured they had sex because she wasn’t willing to let me know eveything. I basically assumed the worst.

      We’d also like to hear from those of you who have spouses that have opened up and talked about their affair details.

      How did you get them to open up?

      Sheeventually opened up as I calmed down and became less confrontational and angry. She then felt more secure in that I wouldn’t get angry with whatever she told me. It still came out in little dribbles over a few months but in the end I got the whole story and it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as what my imagination came up with.

      What was helpful in promoting effective conversation about the affair?

      The ability for both of us to talk calmly was the biggest factor in promoting effective conversations about the affair. Getting out of our anger dance when we talked let us open up and tell things to each other without worrying that either of us would get angry or defensive.

      Has this communication carried over into other areas of your marriage besides the affair?

      This had carried over in to all aspects of our marriage. It sort of had to as it was our biggest problem that we were unable to commincate our feelings and needs to each other before we got rid of our defense mechanisms. No we can disagree but not fight about things. Doesn’t mean we like what the other says but we let each other have our say and then can debate it rather than argue about it. It has made for a much calmer environment around the house.

    • Fighting

      Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?

      Because the story doesn`t add up. I have a gut feeling that he hasn`t told the truth. One of the affairs was 1 1/2 years. It started december when they met on a plane, she texted him in january, in march they met out on a bar, in may they had arranged for a meeting at a hotel in another city (sex), they briefly saw each other in a work-related setting once befor they met at a concert in september and had one dance. After that they never met physically again. But they had contact until may/june the next year. YEAH, right! Does it spell stupid on my forhead?
      I need a confirmation. I need the truth, or else I will only fill the gaps in my head by myself…

      What is it that you are searching for?
      The truth. That he is truthfull. That he finally realizes that his “memory-loss” is hurting us both and that the only way he can show me that he really is sorry is by doing what it takes to help me heal.

      What reasons does your spouse give for not wanting to talk about the affair?
      I should get over it. He doesnt`t remember, it was so long ago. It didn`t mean anything, so why nag. He has left it behind and I should too for my own sake.

      How has your spouse’s lack of talking about the affair affected your affair recovery?
      It has put me in a situation where I am stuck. I do not trust him. He needs to fill the gaps in the stories.

      The letter was awsome. I will translate it into my language and give it to him. It was right at point of how I feel.

    • rollercoasterrider

      At first I was gathering information, comparing stories to be able to sift the truth from lies. There was so much inconsistency in the months leading up to D-Day 1, and finding out (even though, like Greg said, it was kind of in dribbles over time) actually gave me a sense of relief because it had been so confusing and I think I knew in my heart long before it was actually ‘discovered.’

      After the initial earthquake/tsunami of pain and emotion began to settle, I wanted to know more because it was very hard for me to understand. My husband was and is the love of my life, and again, like Greg expressed, I could not understand why he would do this to me. As time passed, I began to see that the affair had very little to do with me. It affected me and impacted me and required me to re-evaluate nearly everything in my world, but it wasn’t really about me at all. Even that realization was extremely painful.

      What is it that you are searching for?

      Again, this question has more than one part and it changed over time for me. At first, I wanted to know who she was and what she had…which I must have believed would provide me with a key to unlock the “whys.” Now, I am searching for evidence to support the changes I believe have happened/are happening in H and in our relationship. For those who refuse to communicate about their infidelity, the message is that I am too ashamed/self-absorbed/selfish/ignorant to let you in and to do the work to figure this out so that it doesn’t destroy us. But at least in my case, the exchange of information is not enough. I need to be able to process and share emotionally, and have my formerly non-communicative H do the same in order to have a connection rather than the rupture…I need to know that he is willing to make amends, and show me genuine repentance…which doesn’t get defensive or hostile when the infidelity is mentioned. I have to see a shift in his thinking to US instead of the separate individuals we always were. I need to know that our former dysfunction is somehow being healed and that we are learning to resolve conflict.

      How did you get them to open up?

      My H is a professional communicator who is extremely skillful at hiding his own heart, even from himself. If I did anything, it was to (again, thanks for saying it first, Greg) calm down and show him that while I would not accept his behavior, and would not share him with someone else (we are currently divorced) I love him and he is and has always been my best friend. As he berates himself and wants to go into a depression over his actions (and now he is facing not just the affair but our entire history and how his poor choices have affected our children and his relationships with them) I am able to actually encourage him and remind him that he didn’t arrive here only because of his choices but in large part due to the things that happened to him as a child. I have shown him unconditional love, and he knows he does not deserve it. He never (up til now, anyway) brings up the affair himself, but he does dialogue with me as I ask questions and has been very forthright in telling me whenever the OW tries to contact him, which of course leads to more discussion and emotion, but thankfully to reassurance and re-commitment and deeper connection.

      Has this communication carried over into other areas of your marriage besides the affair?

      Absolutely. We all know that communication is the bottom line of who we are as a couple. This is where I’ve had to take some responsibility, not for the affair but for the state of our relationship because I always felt bullied and intimidated by my H’s style of getting angry and withdrawing from me whenever things were conflicted, and confrontation scared the crap out of me (although with the years, and all the junk we’ve been through, I’ve gotten better at it). So, yes, if we can’t communicate now we have absolutely no basis for anything more together. And if we do communicate and learn to share the deeper parts of ourselves with each other now, we have a lot of hope for something much more satisfying.

    • Mona Lisa

      IF we don’t know the reason behind why our spouses CHOSE to have an affair, how are we suppose to learn from this nightmare and move forward. I have learned one important lesson already. For every one thing your spouse admits to, there are ten things they haven’t told you !!! Shortly after discovery two years ago, my husband and I went to marriage counseling for several months. At all the sessions he said he had not had physical contact with her and he just couldn’t remember a lot of details. I knew he was lying and told the counselor so. However, she insisted that he was probably being honest about his “memory loss”. Fast forward two years later and I have finally discovered ” the rest of story”. After I confronted him with the details that I got from the other woman, he admitted they were true. He had indeed met her, kissed her, had sexual contact with her, and had sent her gifts. All this while continuing to look me and our counselor in the face and swear that he had done none of the above! What a piece of work!!! I am more angry at myself than anyone because I should have thrown his ass to the curb a LONG time ago. The lies are worse than the affair!

      • WriterWife

        Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear about that Mona Lisa! You shouldn’t be angry at yourself for giving him a chance and not throwing him to the curb before. I think it shows a lot of grace to give someone else another chance and you should be proud to have that quality.

        I think that if I found out now that my husband had lied to me about anything relating to the EA, it would be *really* hard for me to keep trying to reconcile. I agree with you that those betrayals would be devastating and would rival the pain of the affair itself! So sorry you had to go through that!

      • chiffchaff

        The lies are worse than the affair. I read in one of the many books that the reason the CSs (or some CSs) lie so convincingly about the extent of their activities with the AP is that they are so ashamed they can’t even say the details out loud because as soon as they do they are clearly awful details and the whole affair goes from something special to the tawdry thing it really was.

        It’s my H’s lying to me for so long and while I was in such obvious pain and distress from what he’d done that makes trusting him now so bloody difficult.

    • Gizfield

      the only reason I am interested in any details at this point is that it makes it easier to catch him in a lie. I spent a long time thinking that whatever “they” had was oh so wonderful, and that this skank was/had something for me to be jealous of. Go figure. It is marvelous when you realize some tramp who know she was running around with a married man knowingly and willingly is totally evicted from your mind. Freaky weird, I tell you. I love it. and trust, me this has nothing to do with Forgiveness, just Forgetfulness, lol!

    • WriterWife

      I remember reading that letter within the first few days of finding out about my husband’s EA. It really really helped me put into words my need to know all the details during those first few conversations with my husband.

      Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?

      I definitely wanted to know all the details. I think a big reason why is that *he* knew the details and I hated the idea of there being yet another thing he was keeping from me. It made me feel left out. And I think that’s a lot of what hurts from an EA — the spouse sharing with someone other than you. I hated the idea that the OW knew more about the EA than I did — to me it was another indication of how devalued I was in the marriage.

      As the letter explained — I wanted to know the whole picture so that my husband and I would be on an equal playing field. Also, I felt like that so long as he withheld the details it was continuing a sense of intimacy with the OW. By telling me about it all, it could no longer be *their* secrets — it couldn’t be something he could retreat to in his memory because it now belonged to me as well. I think a big part of EAs is the secrecy and by sharing the details, we were starting to break apart that secrecy.

      How did you get them to open up?

      My husband was fairly forthcoming about a lot of the details. I did use the argument in that letter — the idea of the puzzle and me needing to have the same pieces he did so I could make sense of it for myself (esp since the OW was one of my best friends).

      The big impetus behind the full sharing of information came from our marriage counselor. She asked my husband to write what she called a “life audit” but to specifically focus on the OW. She wanted him to write down *everything*: how they met, how the relationship progressed (even in the beginning when they were just friends), what his feelings were along the way, etc.. I wasn’t involved in this process at all — it was between my husband and the MC. After he drafted it, he met with the MC about it and then a few weeks later she felt we were ready for the next step which was him reading the audit out loud to me.

      I couldn’t interrupt him, but just took notes about questions I had. It was a 20 page single spaced, 12,000 word document and it had everything. Once he finished, I could ask any question I wanted and he had to answer. We both tried to be as calm and open as possible during this. The MC said it would likely take a while for us to process everything (weeks or months) but the goal would be that eventually, every question I had would be answered and we could reach a point where we could start moving beyond it.

      What was helpful in promoting effective conversation about the affair?

      Yes, immeasurably so. His EA was something that impacted both of us and so it’s something that we both had to process. I felt like that could only be done if we both had the same level of information.

      He was also able to identify a lot of patterns in the history with the OW which will likely help us both avoid a similar situation in the future. I think him having to sit down and actually write it all out was important for his understanding. He had to face it all as well.

      Also, we found that there were a lot of events that my husband had seen from one direction but that I saw from another. He’d felt like the OW had *no* idea about his feelings and hadn’t done anything wrong, but once I knew all the details I was able to point out that he was incorrect. It was clear through her actions that the OW knew what was going on and encouraged it and my husband would have never seen that on his own. This drastically changed things — not only his approach to the OW but also my approach to my former friend.

      Has this communication carried over into other areas of your marriage besides the affair?

      Unequivocally yes. We learned that sometimes there are things that feel impossible to discuss but that we need to find the strength to do it. We’d buried issues before out of fear of talking about them and we had to learn to change that behaviour.

      I like to think that by opening up, my husband didn’t feel like he needed to hide from the details anymore or fear my reaction. He didn’t need to be frightened of me or what I might say/do. There’s a lot of strain that comes from keeping a secret and a necessary distancing that comes along with that.

      I was able to accept what he’d done, to somewhat understand it, and we were able to work through it all *together* which was important. Our marriage counselor emphasizes collaboration and that’s what we prioritized — his actions during the affair weren’t his alone to deal with.

      But I also had to do my part and that was trying to create a space where he could share those things. Not using the information to emotionally blackmail him or hold it over his head. He shared the information in the spirit of moving us forward and I approached it the same way. I think that’s one reason our MC had us wait until we were ready to do the audit.

      For me there’s a relief in knowing the information — I don’t have to fear being blindsided. Sometimes we still touch on issues from the audit, but not in an emotionally charged way. It’s more of a “still trying to understand it all” way and sometimes in a “I need to express hurt” way. And as I forgive my husband and we move forward, he can trust in that forgiveness because it’s given knowing everything — it’s not based on lies or false pretenses.

    • Gizfield

      I have told my husband that I HATE liars, and make a huge fuss if I catch our daughter in one. That is why I hate secrets, they are just lies under a different name. Ughhhh, a deliberate withholding or mis represention of the truth! Hate lies!

      • Paula

        Gizfield, don’t we all! Brings to mind the old saying a friend of mine’s father often used, “I’d rather a thief than a liar.” Although, personally, I’d rather neither, lol!

    • theresa

      PA?
      Whether you Think you have All the details or not
      GET YOURSELF TESTED!!!!!!!

    • Jim

      Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?
      I do not want to talk about my wife’s EA. I know too much already. I just want to be able to move away from it. Don’t get me wrong I did at first want to know some things but W filled in the blanks already.

      What is it that you are searching for?
      The only thing I am searching for is proof it is truly over.

      How did you get them to open up?
      We have always had a very open communications but the EA closed a part of her off. She built a wall. If one thing did open this up is me packing my bags to leave. I am sure there maybe a few details yet but I really do not want to know.

    • chiffchaff

      It took me ages to get all of the details from my H. From the day of discovery he instantly developed an acceptable version of the affair for me to hear.

      I needed to know the details for the reasons others have said, I didn’t want to be blindsided by doing something or being somewhere that had significance to him with his affair. For my own safety I needed to know what he’d done, how far he’d gone with her, how close he’d come to leaving. So I could make up my own mind about whether I could accept what had happened, whether I thought there was a way forward with or without him, things like that. I also wanted the affair to stop being special to him, I wanted it to get out into the open and discussed for what it was, something that he did for some f*cked up reasons.

      I was searching for the reasons why he did it to us, what it was about her. I discovered that there wasn’t anythign special about her, she was just an opportunity for him at a time when he was looking to turn virtual porn into real live porn. If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else.

      Getting him to open up required him to have some sort of mini breakdown about the extent of his lying and then I would put my litigator’s brain into gear and wheedle out all the inconsistencies. It was a truly horrid experience. I think I still have PTSD about the whole thing, especially recently I’ve found the details I know very hard to deal with indeed.

    • Monie

      There is a huge difference from an EA to a PA and as such the BS in these situations may or may not require all the details of the story. Unfortunately my H had both with my friend for over 3 years, very similar to WriterWife and many others on this site. It has been 14mths today and I thought that I was coping well but had a serious breakdown last week, they seem to come and go perhaps every 6 weeks, this time my H was frightened that I would leave because I was basically inconsolable but I did not. He has been genuine and supportive but also “cannot remember” when I question some things. He did reveal more last week which seemed to help with the missing pieces, but I think for me to fully heal I need him do the audit so I can perhaps fill in the parts that I make up in my head. Perhaps this is because the OW and her family were such a big part of our lives. I think that as the BS we need to know for several reasons why our lives have been ripped apart. I absolutely loved the letter as it really enforces what I am looking for!

    • Jamie

      Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?

      What is it that you are searching for?
      I’m searching for the truth about our relationship. I’m searching because I feel that our relationship has been a total sham. I fell deeply in love with my H. He did the same with me; and now, I feel abandoned, unimportant, and invisible. The worst part of it all is that his indiscretions happened at the MOMENT I needed him most; I was 9 months pregnant and it continued through the first weeks, 7 weeks, of our daughter’s life. I’m was tossed aside. And I’m searching for “why” and “how”…when his behavior did NOT change at all towards me. He just built a wall and stopped communicating with me. In turn, I knew something was very wrong and sought comfort and support from my friends and family; because he was NOT able to give it to me. Upon discovery of his “affair”; even again last night we had another arguement about the term “affair”; he will not acknowledge the enormity and gravity of the situtation of his own creating in our relationship. He tries to tell me it’s “no big deal”, it’s “not what it seems”…it’s “not important”. I’m searching for a reason to stay. I’m searching for a reason to love the man I married. I’m searching for his validation and help in healing my broken heart. He doesn’t get it.

      What reasons does your spouse give for not wanting to talk about the affair?

      He tells me that the affair is not an “affair” but “interactive porn”. He won’t even acknowledge that he was having an affair. I finally flipped out last night and told him I was not going to accept that explanation. He was having an affair; sexting, meeting for lunch dates, and even kissed this woman; all the while I was healing from birth and at home feeling alone, lonely and unsupported in my efforts for our new family. He says his behavior doesn’t mean what “I think it means”…he basically invalidates my anger, hurt, sadness and any other hurt feelings that I express; by finding “logical” reasons as to “why I shouldn’t feel this way”. Then he becomes defensive and actually starts arguements and then blames me for starting arguements. He gets angrier, when I express anger…I think he does it to show me that my anger is not justified and that he can be even more scary. He basically invalidates me at every turn when I express any of my waves of anger, hurt, sadness.

      How has your spouse’s lack of talking about the affair affected your affair recovery?

      It’s been 10 months since I discovered his affair. There were also at least 3 other incidents of sexting other women.
      His lack of empathy has had HUGE impacts on my ability to trust him. He is constantly “thinking” instead of feeling. He wants to explain all of his behavior away. I dunno why. He keeps saying he doesn’t know what to do…anymore, to help me. When I tell him I want him to “take the hit” (basically) when I get angry or feel hurt; and I want him to show empathy and be loving and understanding; i.e. show me some tenderness, hug me…say he’s sorry…and look at my face, over and over and over; he says…”I’ve said all this before”, “Once is enough”, “either you don’t understand or I’m not saying what you want to hear”. He says…”I’m not you”, “It’s not a natural thing for me to show empathy”. He says he wants to change and he keeps making excuses to stay the same by using his thinking, instead of his feelings. He basically invalidates me every chance he gets when I tell him I need more and I need a deeper, intimate connection..not an explanation of his behavior. It’s all a cop out.

      He keeps me stuck. He’s the one who has made things worse by not disclosing each incident..I actually had to find out about each of them through monitoring his phone, computer..etc. Then I found out about the Biggest LIE EVER, that he hadn’t disclosed he has previous children. I tell him I want to trust him. But I can’t because he keeps lying to me..about HUGE issues…like infidelity and of course being a parent; before we had our child. I had no idea.

      He impedes my healing and thinks he’s helping me by doing what he thinks I want…I tell him the exact opposite and he comes up with some excuse…like this: I’m angry…I want to vent, I need it to come out; when I find another naked photo of some other woman, and then he tells me some story about how it was months and months ago…or even years ago; and expects me to accept his answer without being distrustful, hurt or angry. Instead of taking the heat and realizing I’m pissed..and I want to tell him I feel wronged…he tells me “why I shouldn’t be angry”.

      I’m invisible.

    • Jamie

      Why do you need or want to talk about the affair?

      I need to talk about the affair to understand why and how he could choose to behave as such; all the while lying to my face about it.

      And secondly, I need to choose for myself regarding how or if I want to continue in this relationship. I deserve to know the truth..all of the truth…and I deserve to choose for myself.

      • chiffchaff

        I had that feeling about ‘choice’ only this week. I realised that in my H’s affair he chose to have an affair, the OW chose to have an affair with him, and the only person who didn’t get any choice in it all was me. I didn’t choose to share him with someone else.

    • justbecause

      Hi Monie,

      Would like to hear more about difference in EA from PA in “needing to know.” I value your experience in this situation although I am so sorry you are in such a situation!

      My H had an online EA. Has never met OW although she lives 40 miles away, works 18 miles away???? Lasted 18 months. They discussed children, pets, ME (UGH), her H, lots of flirting, found chats about meeting . . . I think this is harder to accept then if my H had only sexted with OW, kept conversations away from our personal, family life.

      My H has the “memory loss” big time. Still thinks we should just move on. The letter was awesome. I will show it to him but doubt if it will do much good. I might actuallly believe my H’s memory loss due to the fact he was drinking heavily at the time. I’m sure the OW could provide me with all the details – she has refused to meet with me.

      The letter says it all – better then I ever could.

      • Mona Lisa

        Just because
        I would never want to cause you any more pain than you already have but, you can bet your sweet ass he remembers a whole lot more than he is telling you. My husband can remember almost every event in his life and has always been known in our family as the historian because of it. However, he had complete memory lapse about his dirty little secret!! If your spouse is not good at remembering other day by day events or history, MAYBE he has a good excuse. If not, he is still being deceitful.
        As for meetng the OW, my husband swore he had not met her either. That was a lie too, and took me two years to finally get to the truth. It felt like day one all over again!!! Please don’t allow his ” drinking” to serve as his excuse for withholding information. I knew in my heart that my H was lying and I played the “game” with the whore to get to the bottom of it. I HAD to know, regardless of how much it hurt! I hope you get your answers to.

      • chiffchaff

        JustBecause –
        My H had a PA that developed into an EA. I found the details essential for my understanding, in terms of when did he first tell her he loved her and when did he tell her and mean it (about a 7 month gap from what he said). That helped me understand that for a significant part of the 9 months it was primarily sex and ego boosting virtual stuff for him. He had initially told me that she was a goddess who had ‘stopped him using porn’ – which was crap when I discovered his email records which showed that he was increasing his porn use as their affair developed. He denied that for a long time. I needed to know how much she knew about me (nothing except fear of heights) and ‘our’ life (again, nothing, she only knew we lived near a UK city). He conducted it all at work or while commuting or when I wasn’t with him on holiday (which really hurt).
        The details I found about their physical knowledge of each other does still haunt, the images of her haunt too, but it is getting less.
        Today is a better day. I think I actually feel like my H loves me again. It scares me to trust him again but we have talked about that this week and he understands that it takes time and takes his hard work to show me that he trustworthy repeatedly.

    • ocanas

      On D-Day I found out by chance a fb message exchange between my W and the OM. I was in shock the whole day (and still am after 13 months from that day), and could not believe what I read. Instead of blowing up that day I spent the next week and a half gathering more exchanges – I wanted to know how long has it been going and how deep was her EA. I was leaving for a Business trip the next day so I spent all my airport stops to research her phone records, while monitoring her e-mail and fb accounts. Then a huge breakthrough happened when I got access to all their fb and e-mail exchanges for the last 5 months! – that has been one of the worst days of my life; but I felt the need to know. With that in hand, I told her I had some questions, and that she had to be truthful or our marriage was over. She agreed, and since then she has been very open on all my questions. All the info I now have has been both good and bad – good as it helped us both understand how it started, and the vulnerable she has been because of her issues as a child; and bad because there are things thatI may never get over and may be the reason I finish my marriage. Her being honest has kept us together for the last 13 months

    • Disappointed

      My H does not remember much about the few weeks after D day. He does not remember telling me many things. He also revealed new details 7 months post D day just this weekend. I will love him til the day I die, but he essentially asked for an open marriage in order for him to come home. He needs counseling. I cannot and will not share him and put my health and self worth in more jeopardy. The end will have to come if he continues to avoid looking at himself.

    • Gizfield

      Ok, 3 years ago today, Micheal Jackson died. Why is that day burned into my brain, lol? Does anyone else have a D-Day that also has an event associated with it? That day I had planned to take my daughter and stay at a family members house. On the spur of the moment I decided to go home. I was missing my husband, lol. As I got out of the car, I heard the news about MJ. HUsband was just getting home as well, and was surprised to see me. He volunteered to go get us dinner. How sweet…probably an emergency call to his girlfriend.

    • Gizfield

      Part 2, we ate, then were watching the news. I reached to take his hand and he pulled it away!!!! Then I got the I dont want to be married, I’m in love with someone else, I’m not happy, haven’t been happy for YEARS speech. Needles s, to say I was VERY pissed, cussed him out and left. Called allmy friends and told them what a dick he was, and vowed never to speak to him again. Had to work and went home to get my things after work the next day. He was there, I started crying, I got the I love you but I’m not in love with you speech. Said I

    • Gizfield

      Part 3, he said all kind of nice crap about me, and also denied saying he was on love with someone else, said he’d told me that to make it easier, or some Crap. Promised nothing was really going on, we decided to set the day our daughter started kindergarten as decision day. Married or divorced? Stayed married, but under false pretenses cause he continued to communicate with the whore. They’ re “friends”, you know. Threw him out the first time a couple of weeks a go, and dont you know he was crying to come home. This isn’t totally resolved yet, but I have made amazing progress. I was actually jealous of this tramp but a few months ago I finally got over that and saw her for the worthless tramp she is.

    • Gizfield

      Part 4, last one, I promise. So I imagine that everyone will be mad I called my husbands lady friend a tramp and a whore. Trust me, she called me a c@$t and worse the only time we spoke. We got in a text battle the same night last October. She we not sorry for anything she had done, called me all kind of names , insulted me about my age even though she is mid 40s ! I should have asked who she had for homeroom, lol. Told me she hated Me, and threatened to knock my teeth down my “lard ass” or something to that effect. Nice huh. Anyway, I was kind of depressed this morning, read all the emails I found and realized this person is not worth a second of my time. They really do “affair down”. It is difficult that he has known this person about 10 years before me, and that they have all the mutual friends while I am the newcomer. I’ve only met her twice, a long time ago, before all this. Was not impressed then, not impressed now.

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