questions to ask before divorcing
There are several things to ask yourself before divorcing.

Today we are happy to provide you with a guest post from Tina Greenbaum, LCSW Holistic Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach.   

Recently, I had the pleasure of speaking on the phone with Tina about her approach to helping individuals and couples who have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with infidelity or who simply want to improve their relationships.

Throughout her extensive career, Tina has pioneered the combination of traditional psychotherapy with movement, body awareness and spirituality.

Her approach is from a holistic standpoint and after struggling in her own marriage and looking for the key that would unlock the logger jam in her client’s relationships, she says she stumbled upon a strategy that has led to remarkable success in repairing and strengthening marriages and primary relationships. Many thanks to Tina for the following article:

Is Your Decision to Divorce Premature? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself

by Tina Greenbaum, LCSW Holistic Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach. 

Divorce is a word that is frequently thrown around in marriages when we just don’t know how to make things better. As things get progressively worse, we look to escape the pain and “opt out.” Getting out of pain is not a bad thing – it’s a survival mechanism, and the way we are wired. But when is divorce premature? Did you know that:

  • Marriage is the only license we receive that does not require an education
  • Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce
  • Divorce often happens because people rarely discuss their expectations prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring
  • Studies show that happiness is contagious and that potential dates find it hard to walk away from happy people.
  • Even in happy marriages, more than 80% of the time, it is the wife who raises marital issues while the husband tries to avoid discussing them
  • In an argument when your heart rate goes over 100 beats a minute, you are incapable of hearing what your partner is trying to tell you

As someone who has worked with individuals and couples over the last 30 years, I have come up with some consistent observations about couples in trouble and ways to assist them in dramatically improving their relationship.

Before you “pull the trigger” and become another statistic (50% of first and 80% of second marriages end in divorce), I suggest that you ask yourself the following questions:

1.  Have I done everything that I possibly can to save this marriage?

2.  Have I looked at my part in why this relationship is failing?

3.  Have I supported my partner in being the best person that he or she can be?

4.  Do I know how to communicate with my partner so he/she will listen?

5.  Do I understand how the differences in our gender affect our relationship?

6.  Do I know how to “hold on” to myself and be in relationship at the same time?

7.  Do I know how to balance my need for freedom and connection in my relationship?

8.  Do I know how to “fight fairly?”

9.  Do I know how to change old, nagging habits?

10. Do I know how my past affects my present behavior in my relationship?

These are just a few of the questions that you might use as a litmus test in making that important decision in ending a marriage. Because relationships are so challenging we frequently need a guide – someone to point us in a direction where knowledge and hope awaits us.

 

    37 replies to "10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Divorcing"

    • ChangedForever

      Amazingly, as a BS, I can also say that if my H had asked himself these 10 questions PRIOR TO HAVING HIS AFFAIR(s,) I strongly doubt be in the mess we are in today.

    • Anita

      Adultery, is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenent which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse,and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking
      the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their
      parents’ stable union.
      My ex husband did this along with, giving me civil divorce papers to sign. I am now in the process of getting a annulement from this marriage.

    • Anita

      It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a
      divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law.
      There is a considerable difference between a spouse who
      has sincerly tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and the one through his own grave
      fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.
      I was the innocent victim my ex husband’s adultery, and civil
      divorce.

    • Anita

      Infidelity is so destructive, why a spouse chooses to do that,
      I will never know. When I’m done with my part of the annulement, I will leave this all behind and press on forward.
      I wish the very best to all of you!

    • Anita

      Christ condemns even adultery, of mere desire. The sixth
      commandment and the New Testmament forbid adulterty
      absolutely.
      When two partners of whom at least one is married to another
      party, have sexual relations-even transient ones- they commit
      adultery.
      Now my question is why do cheating spouses blame their innocent spouse for their own sin of adultery. No one forced
      them to do it. It was their choice. Why do cheating spouses
      blame the innocent spouse for not meeting their needs?
      So by the cheating spouses though process, they believed
      they were entitled to sin, by commiting adultery.
      I guess I don’t understand a cheating spouse’s logic.
      Maybe if cheating never happened in the first place, there
      wouldn’t be so many divorces.

    • Anita

      A cheating spouse knows its a sin to commit infidelity,
      thats why its done in secret. The cheating spouse needs
      to own this. If they had needs that were unmet, it was
      their job to communicate those needs/ not affairs!
      On the flip side of that same coin, the cheating spouse for
      sure did not meet the needs of the innocent spouse, there
      is no way they could have with being involved in an affair.
      But yet the innocent spouse still remained faithful to
      the marriage. Why the difference of actions/reactions?
      If the innocent spouse thought the same way the cheating
      spouse did/does we’d be in an affair also, but we don’t.
      Could it be because we have different set of morals and
      beliefs?

    • Anita

      God asks us to forgive others when they hurt us.
      For the betrayed innocent spouse, if you stay married
      or divorce, please know that you were not responsible for
      your spouse’s infidelity. Their infidelity was their own choice
      to sin. In the end it was them who let their ownselves down.
      I wish everyone here the very best!

      • lost again but not forever

        You are so right. The selfish part of not thinking of your family. Only what makes themselves happy for the moment.
        Sin is everwhere but we all have a choice of not going through with it. Satin will wait a lifetime for one night of infidelity. It will and does destroys familys.

    • Still struggling

      Having abad day!!!!!!!!! Just a question I need to ask. I have come to the realizationthatweboth had unmet needs. My question is what made it justifiable for him to have EA ? I had the same unmet needs and I didn’t stray. What was it that he was thinking that would say ” ok I can’t emotionally bind with my wife but I can bond with this ow ” ? Having a lot of triggers today and difficulty coping My Dday was sept 20 2010 just before holidays.

      The triggers today seem to be hints if the pre dday marital relationship. Talking but no enthusiasm. Just him going through the motions. I tried to vocalize my opinions before the affair and it just pushed him say from me and towards to her. I knowhe isn’t contacting her but I need more as I have told himinthe past.

      What is it that makes men share with someone else what we wives have desired and asked for ? That’s what hurts the most right now. The affair is over but what hurts the most along with the inattentiveness and apathy. I don’t want to go back there.

      So why were they able to be emotionally available to the ow and not us?

      • Sam

        I read your post, and I can absolutely hear every last bit of it. My Dday was June 15th, 2011, so things are still pretty fresh in my mind/heart. I’m amazed that I made it through Thanksgiving without a breakdown. In fact, I was feeling really well and “happy” for several days, but lately I’m feeling down again.

        I get so angry when I think of the stuff my husband used to tell this woman, how grateful he was to her for allowing him to express himself, to share. 🙁 He never tried to share with me. I wasn’t given a fair shot. It drives me crazy. Ugh.

      • Anita

        Hi again,
        I got paged out, sorry!
        I will post more later, having a busy evening. Have a good
        evening.

      • Anita

        Hi Still struggling,
        Its been a busy evening for me, but I wanted to reply.
        Actually I was having a good day yesterday. I don’t
        know if you have heard this expression before, “Love the
        sinner, but hate the sin.” That’s how I feel when I write these posts. My first few comments were paraphased out of a book,
        that was from my church, that speaks about adultery and
        divorce of an innocent spouse. With all this in mind, I am
        very opinionated when it comes to adultery and divorce.
        I have lived through both of them, and I speak my mind
        on that subject. Others may not agree if they have never experienced both of them, but to the people that have,
        my opinions are quite mild, compared to others.(which
        are not printable by the way!)
        During and after my divorce, my family and friends told
        me I was better off without my exhusband and the divorce
        was the best for me. My family was so good and protective
        of me during that time. My brothers told me, I was not
        to ever go back to my exhusband again, and they were serious.
        Even my children who are adults, did want us back together
        either.
        I know most everyone here wants to save their marriage,
        and if that’s what you want, I hope it all works out for you.
        For me my divorce has brought me new life, I am in the process
        of my annulement now, so I have gotten even more opinions
        about adultery and divorce.
        Still struggling I hope your marriage becomes everything
        you want it to be, Best Wishes!

        • Anita

          I meant to say, my children didn’t want us back together either.
          It takes a process to able to walk away from a relationship
          that is not healthy. Rebuilding your self esteem takes time,
          and you begin to realize how unhealthy it is, to be in a
          relationship where the person who you loved, gets themselves
          involved in an adulterous affair.
          You forgive them no matter what, but you don’t have
          remain in that situtation either. My ex husband had a history
          of cheating on me. I chose not to live in that situtation any
          longer. I respected myself enough, not to live like that.
          When your spouse gets involved in a affair, they don’t even
          respect themselves, so how in the world can they respect you.
          As a betrayed innocent spouse, I respected myself to leave
          him, I signed the divorce papers and let him continue on
          his merry way, but at least his behavior could no longer
          effect me. Also his affair only lasted 1 year after our divorce.
          Its important to realize, you don’t have to put with this
          type of behavior, for me I had enough.
          But for the other people here, I wish you the best in your
          relationship.

    • csb

      I’m officially two months in since DDay. Sam, good for you…you are seeing some bright moments of happiness! I experience that same thing, then feel almost guilty for those moments, saying to myself “It’s like I’m letting him off easy, if he sees I’m happy, he’ll think everything is behind us”. I know, that is just self destructive and I am punishing myself by not allowing happiness.

      Regarding your anger in things he shared with the OW…I agree as well, especially when it comes to things he shared about my children. He invited the OW into OUR lives (not just his)…she does not have the right to know anything about my children.

      Wishing you more “Bright Days”!

      • Sam

        I’ve had that thought before. “I forgave too quickly; I should be more angry.” But then I think that holding on to those negative feelings/emotions only spoil the good moments I can share with my husband right NOW. It’s really hard to let go off the past, but bringing it back seems to serve no purpose except making me suffer. I can’t go back and change anything. While I can see how the emotional affair has brought to light many issues that my H and I needed to work on, I still can’t see the “bright” side of what happened. My sister keeps telling me to see it as a wake up call, as a sign that there were things to fix in my marriage. Again, I can see all this, and still, I can’t condone what happened. I never will.

        The worst part is that I feel a deep hatred for the OW. I’ve never hated anyone in my life before and I’m shocked by the horrible feelings I get when I think about her. The interesting thing is, under different circumstances, she’s probably someone I’d probably not dislike. I don’t know what to do these feelings.

        Ugh, having a really bad day. Thanks for the kind words. I wish bright days ahead for ALL of us in this forum.

        • ifeelsodumb

          Sam,
          The anger towards the OW will lessen in time…right now you want to blame her because we love our H’s so much, it’s hard to place the blame there…just read this blog, there is so much to learn about how to cope with an EA…

    • Tina Greenbaum

      Reading all your comments and questions bring to mind the thread of anger, hurt, disbelieve and the desperate need to understand the “why.” The fact is that logic (from our mental realm) and emotion (from the emotional realm) are two different operations – and not always in communication with one another. The goal in personal growth work is to bring these two realms together so that our heads and our hearts are in sync. Not everyone is up to the challenge. But for those who are…the possibilities for your own health and happiness are truly beyond anything you can imagine.

      • Sam

        So true. Logically (mentally) I can – more or less – understand what happened and why. Emotionally, however, all I can feel is anger and resentment and outrage. I just don’t understand why anyone would act this way. I feel this blazing, righteous indignation that screams that this makes no sense.

        I know my husband isn’t a bad person, and neither is the OW. I know this. Yet, I can’t reconcile my feelings with my thoughts.

    • SamIam

      I was having a bad week, myself~ as H is out of town (just as he was last year at this time).
      We are 4 short weeks from the office party, thus the first anniversary of D-day. The lucky part, AP no longer will attend the party as her division has been moved to a new company (yay!!) The only contact is business and he always lets me know about even a minor business contact.
      I must say H is trying but so many of his words ring hollow. He was raised to trivialize real emotions. In fact, his family does not “believe in getting angry” Frustrates me to no end, as I believe anger is a true emotion and from anger comes change, if it is focused.
      I can’t blame either of us for triggers~ they are just there. I do get over them faster if H acknowledges them~ but if he chooses to ignore the signs that I am distressed, I regress. Pretty normal, I think.
      Today he wrote me a nicest, most sincere (to date), loving email. I choose to believe he now understands how deeply he has hurt me. I am hoping for some real healing to begin. So what has started out as bad has changed to some good.

      • Sam

        That’s so beautiful, SamIam! I’m glad you got some comfort from his e-mail. My husband has been trying really hard as well. However, in the back of my mind, I feel like he’s just trying too hard and then his notes come off as “phony” and not from the heart. I keep comparing everything he says to me with the things he said to her and it drives me crazy.

        We’re still having some communication issues. So I can see why he felt that he could “express and share” with her and not with me.

        Why is it that communication with her was so easy and spontaneous? They didn’t have to work at it. They just clicked! And then there’s me and him, having to work so hard for our relationship to work. I feel so hopeless when I think about it this way.

        • blueskyabove

          Sam,

          You said…”I feel so hopeless when I think about it this way.”

          You know what you have to do, don’t you, to change this feeling? Of course you do…find some other way to think about it.

          How do you know communication with her was “so easy and spontaneous…”? Is that how your H described it? Guess what! They lie! Or, are you assuming their communication was that way based on what other CSs have said. Well, guess what! They lie too. We talk a lot about the lying but seldom do we discuss how much they lie to themselves and to each other. It took quite some time for my H to acknowledge they really had very little to say to each other. It was mainly surface crap…nothing too deep. There was no way their relationship could have sustained any discussion about problems. Maybe it’s a good thing your H is willing to work so hard with you to have your relationship work.

          I would like to challenge you to find some way to turn your statement about hopelessness around to your advantage. I know you can do it because I don’t think you really like feeling hopeless. Besides, it might help someone else who is struggling with the same problem. Wouldn’t that be great?

          “…someone is looking up to you now, preparing to follow your example. Let this guide your next choice.” Neale Donald Walsch

          blueskyabove
          4+ years post DDay
          Rebuilding

          • Sam

            I had a breakdown today. I hadn’t cried like I did today in weeks. My husband and I went out this morning to a religious/spiritual service. He wanted to check it out and I just went along with him to be supportive. It wasn’t really my cup of tea (my husband is one of those people who calls himself a “seeker” and spirituality is something really important to him.) and I voiced my opinion. I simply said “Well, I don’t see anything special about this. It’s like any other religious service.”

            I was simply being honest, but he felt like I was trivializing his “search” and said that he was really excited about it and he was disappointed I was not. Then I exploded, because ‘spirituality’ was his connection to the OW. That’s what they talked about the most. This why I feel like they had a deep bond. Something we cannot share, because I simply don’t feel this “need”. Then he said that yes, his communication with her was spontaneous and easy; that he could express and share with her on a level that I don’t understand. Apparently she felt the same way about her own husband.

            Sadly, my H is right. I don’t undersand this and I don’t feel it. I might never feel it and I cannot and will not fake it. This is why I feel hopeless.

            He did say that the fact that he and the OW didn’t see each other all the time made things easier, because they only showed each other the best of themselves. They only showed the “nice and spiritual” side.

            I feel like this whole thing is a fraud! How can you be discussing spirituality while deceiving your spouse?

            • Notoverit

              You were being honest with him about how you feel – something he obviously was not doing when he was talking to the OW. I would point that out to him. In seeking your spirituality honesty is very important. Tell him you are trying to support his search but that you are also entitled to how you feel. Never belittle your own beliefs. And discussing spirituality while you are conducting an affair? Such Bullshit! Sorry, just tired of all the excuses they seem to want to pander. Don’t go back to giving in to make things right in his mind – you are entitled to be the person YOU are. I just feel that all of us BSs put our wants, needs and beliefs on the back-burner in order to make things go smoother. You weren’t belittling him and his search; you were expressing your thoughts.

    • Sam

      Notoverit
      You were being honest with him about how you feel – something he obviously was not doing when he was talking to the OW. I would point that out to him. In seeking your spirituality honesty is very important. Tell him you are trying to support his search but that you are also entitled to how you feel. Never belittle your own beliefs. And discussing spirituality while you are conducting an affair? Such Bullshit! Sorry, just tired of all the excuses they seem to want to pander. Don’t go back to giving in to make things right in his mind – you are entitled to be the person YOU are. I just feel that all of us BSs put our wants, needs and beliefs on the back-burner in order to make things go smoother. You weren’t belittling him and his search; you were expressing your thoughts.

      Since Dday I’ve been second-guessing everything I do and say, wondering how I could have prevented the affair or how I was the *cause* of it! I’ve been feeling like I was a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad person and that’s why he had to find the OW. But this is bullshit. This blog has taught me so much and I love to hear how other people in my situation are dealing with the pain.

      Obviously, it was my honesty about my NOT being interested in this spiritual stuff that drove him to want to talk to someone else. But then I was thinking, that he and the OW could sit around in coffee shops talking about spiritual paths and Truth till they were blue in the face and it’s all moot because they were both full of shit. You cannot build truth based on lies.

      Honesty IS important. It’s the most important thing in the world and I will not sacrifice it. I can’t pretend to be interested in something I’m not to feel connected to my husband. It still stings that someone else had that “click” with him, though.

      Thank you for your kind words. You remind me that I should not give up being ME. I don’t have to imitate or compete with the OW. My integrity is more important.

      • Anita

        Hi Sam,
        I know you are hurting and I’m sorry.
        As hard as this is, be suportive of you husbands spirituality,
        this is a part of who he is. Please try and separate his EA
        affair from his spirtuality. His spirtuality, will always be a
        part of him. I am a Christian myself, as a christian it is my
        life and I life by those rules, and not the rules of the world.
        Your husbands affair had nothing to do with his spirituality.
        Affairs happen wheather you are spiritual or not.
        It is true that non believers don’t understand what christianity
        is all about. Unless you are born again. Also it’s something
        that can’t be faked, either you are sealed or your not.
        Sam this is a difficult time for you and I hope you feel better
        soon.

        • Anita

          Sam,
          Affairs happen in all cultures, it doesn’t matter if your rich or
          poor, its everywhere.
          Sam, my exhusband’s affair happened at his job with a coworker, they would discuss their jobs, and had to travel
          around in the same company car. I do not blame
          my exhusband’s employment for his actions, this is a choice
          he made. In the work world his coworker and him did
          share the same work stresses, and they probally understood
          each other on a deeper level because of their job.
          However, his job and his affair were separate issues.
          If someone is going to cheat, it could be with anyone, their
          is nothing special about the other woman. Its what going
          on inside the cheater. I’ve been divorced for a few years
          and to this day I will never fully know why my ex made the choice he did. But in the end it hurt him worse, then it did me.

        • Sam

          Hi, Anita! I’m a non-practicing Christian. What I mean by that is that I don’t attend the church I was raised in, but I do believe in God. In my opinion, being spiritual doesn’t have to do with reading certain books or doiong certain things, attending this or that church. I believe in being a good person. In not hurting others. In being the best I can be. I believe I can have God in my life without having to read a bible or pray or attend a service. Of course, this is MY view and I know that most religious/spiritual people would disagree with me.

          My husband’s path to spirituality has led him to Indian Gurus and the service we attended was “self-realization”. It doesn’t resonnate with me at all. He believes that he has a hole in his heart that nothing can fill and that he needs to develop a relationship with a “higher being”, a direct relationship with the divine. He believes this can be attained through meditation. Uh, I’m sorry. This all seems like bullshit to me. I know I’m being judgemental and that I should be more accpeting of his beliefs. It’s just difficult for me, specially when the OW share these ideas with him.

          You are correct, though. The affair was not directly caused by this need for spirituality. Thank you for your post. It does help me to see things a little more clearly.

          • Anita

            Hi Sam,
            I thought he was doing a christian spiritual journey. I am not
            familar with Indian Gurus.

            • Sam

              If he was doing a Christian spiritual journey I’d probably feel more comfortable with it and maybe even really get into it. I’m working on trying to be more open and accepting of “other” spiritual paths. I do believe that there are many ways to God. It’s just that the Indian stuff is a little too off the wall for me. But hey,to each their own.

    • Anita

      Sam,
      Also in the spiritual world, your husband went against God,
      when he had his affair. God forbids infidelity.
      None of us are perfect, and it does hurt when we are betrayed.
      God does ask us to forgive others who hurt us. Forgiveness
      is for us. It releases all the poison that is inside you, so
      your not left stewing in the poison. Forgiveness happens
      little by little, the more you forgive the better you’ll start
      to feel.
      An affair is unfair and it hurts, but the only way I know how
      to heal, is to forgive others when your hurt by them.
      Sam, my ex husband and I get along now, he is remarried
      to a different woman he met later, after our divorce.
      I am in the process of an annulement, and I come to this
      site to remind me, of the pain I once felt. It helps when I
      write about the history of my own marriage. It has helped
      me also, because it forced me to go deep and clean out
      the roots of any unforgiveness that was left inside me.
      It brings a internal freedom, I now experience, joy,
      happiness, and a deeper kind of love for others.

    • Anita

      Sam
      If he was doing a Christian spiritual journey I’d probably feel more comfortable with it and maybe even really get into it. I’m working on trying to be more open and accepting of “other” spiritual paths. I do believe that there are many ways to God. It’s just that the Indian stuff is a little too off the wall for me. But hey,to each their own.

      I do understand your discomfort, I’d probally feel the same way. I wish you the best!

    • Anita

      Sam,
      I just remembered something, back when my exhusband was
      involved in his affair, I saw a hugh change in him, all of a
      sudden he liked things that were similar to the other woman.
      His taste in everything changed, from the type of music he listened to, how he dressed, to a different type of eating place
      he would eat at. It was so unlike, who he was.
      Sam, if this is something that is new with your husband, he could be
      doing what my exhusband was doing.
      My ex husband’s affair partner was a single, so it made his
      affair even easier to have.
      The other woman is your case is married. Somehow, your
      husband needs to be reminded of this.
      My ex husband’s affair with his affair partner only lasted a
      year after our divorce, it goes to show that these kind of
      relationships do fizzle out over time. In my case I had
      already moved on with my own life, because this wasn’t
      the first time my exhusband cheated on me. I hope this
      helps.

      • Sam

        My husband is a Philosophy professor and he’s always been interested in Eastern philosophy/religion. It never really bothered me before the affair because I thought he could have his interests and I could have mine. But then when the OW came in the picture he started communicating and expressing with her things that he didn’t share with me. The affair has changed the way I view my marriage, the way I view everything.

    • Bette

      Reply to Anita December 10, 2011 at 7:19 am – Amen! To many of the things you stated. My dog of a husband cheated with his cousin, his cousin (nasty freak). He carried on an emotional affair (so he claims it was). His family has several get together a month. Many of his relatives knew, but no one said anything, our children told me (20 year old son / 13 year old daughter). His family and lots of his relatives have low, to no morels. I’m sick of hearing about the cheaters needs not being met, he didn’t/doesn’t meet any of my needs, but I didn’t cheat. He was an attentive father and decent company on outings. My word is my bond, so I kept it. He now wants to work on the marriage and doesn’t want to lose it (idiot). I feel foolish for being with such a hick. I don’t know who he is. I must say, after his affair, I’ve now notice other men are alive and enjoy talking to them. Being devoted to my marriage made men vanish into the back ground, as far as attraction to them goes. My emotions are all over the place! I don’t want my daughter to think it is okay to screw around with your relatives or to cheat on your spouse. I want her to have respect for herself and other.

    • Bree

      Bette: I feel your pain. Infidelity is bad enough, but with a family member. I understand you want your daughter and kids to not think its ok to cheat on your spouse. That’s the problem I am having. It’s been almost a year since I found out about my husbands affair. We still argue often about it. He wants to “move on” and not talk about it. He still denies it. I have been trying to work on it for almost a year. I am still devastated and hurt. We have been married 27 years. Can you believe after 25 years of a close marriage he does this? I am so disappointed and hurt. I can’t get it off my mind. My next step is to move out. I can’t bear his denying it repeatedly. I just want the truth and no more lies! I read all of your blogs, Anita, Sam, Bette etc and it sounds all so familiar. It is so hurtful. Why and how could a mate do this? I ask myself everyday. Good luck to you all. As for me, I’m taking it day by day. There is no manual for marriage or for cheating. We all have our own solutions. Thank you all for your comments. At least we are not alone and we can read and see that there are others having the same feelings and hurt. Best to you all. I hope you find peace with in yourself.

    • Anita

      Hi Bree,
      I was just reading some of my above posts, when I posted
      those I was in the midst of my annulment process, I am currently waiting and hoping for it to be granted.
      However during my annulment process and this site, I was able to get into a deeper level of healing and forgiveness.
      It helped me understand all the Why’s.
      I see in your above post, your asking how could he do this
      after all these years of marriage. It took me going through
      my annulment to find those answers.
      I wish you the best!

    • Anita

      Bree,
      From the moment I found out about my exhusband’s last
      affair, to where I am currently today, it was a long healing
      journey. I had to work through the painful memories, and
      forgive each thing that was painful. I also had to forgive
      myself for the wrongs I did, that also contributed to the demise of our marriage. It was a long hard journey,
      however in the end I have made peace with it.
      I now enjoy my life because all of that is in the past.

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