Hello Everybody and Happy New Year!
Even though we had a bit of a complicated and tense holiday at times, our Christmas was indeed wonderful. We hope that your holidays are also proving to be joyous.
We’ve taken a bit of a break from the computer the last week or so and consequently we are seriously behind on things. One reason for that is that we have a new addition to our family which has taken a lot of our time of late.
If you recall, we lost our 13-year-old Labrador back in July while on vacation. So I snuck out Christmas Eve morning and drove 100 miles to a breeder and purchased a little female black Labrador puppy. I surprised everyone with her about two hours before we were to have a house full of guests. Good timing, eh!
We had thought we could easily survive without a dog, which would have allowed us to have more freedom to do what we want, when we want, but our love for dogs (especially Labs) took over and, well, here we are.
We are proud “parents” of an adorable, beautiful bundle of energy and one helluva peeing machine. I tell you, it’s like being new parents all over again, but we’re looking forward to doing lots of things with her and we are happy that she is now part of our family.
It’s been fairly obvious that many of you are taking some time to be with family and friends, or just doing whatever, which is to be expected this time of year. We realize it can be a rough time of year though when you’re dealing with infidelity and we hope that you have managed to handle it OK.
Prior to Christmas we ran a few posts about what you were hoping for and how to survive the holidays and today for our discussion we wanted to hear how the holidays turned out for you.
Please share your holiday experiences with the rest of the blog community – good or bad.
What sort of challenges were you faced with during the holidays that may have been different from last year or any other time of year?
Perhaps you can share how you were able to cope with triggers, emotions, thoughts and any other affair related issue that came about.
Also, are there any resolutions or changes that you are going to implement as we enter a new year?
If there is anything else you want to share or have questions about, please feel free to throw it out there!
Thanks and take care!
Linda & Doug
LINESPACE
21 replies to "Discussion – Did You Survive the Holidays?"
I spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s in a foreign country. The weather was in the 70’s, and I saw beautiful sights, ate wonderful food, and was grateful to have made the decision to be away. Unlike most of you, my marriage ultimately failed as a result of my husband’s repeated infidelity, but my life is not over. Being away for the holidays seemed like the best way to be able to really enjoy them, and I was able to get my kids and grandkids together a few days before I left. I had a great time, and I am looking forward to some very good things in the new year. I wish every one of you the best, and hope the healing comes to you as it is to me, through the grace and love of God. And for what it’s worth, Doug and Linda, I think a dog is one of the best overall investments of time and energy; your new little puppy will be a terrific companion and motivation to get outside!
Hope she is smart and figures out the whole bathroom thing soon!
Sounds like a wonderful holiday STL. Care to share what country you went to?
I agree with you about the puppy. She should be able to keep us on our toes if nothing else. She is smart and is starting to get the whole bathroom idea but has her accidents occasionally.
I went to Guatemala, and because I’m a fluent Spanish speaker, it really added to the experience. I also had a lot of time with a friend who talked and listened and shared, not a romantic relationship (yet) but so nice.
Also, if it weren’t for my dog, I would/could be a lot lonelier than I am. He is a wonderful companion! Sometimes challenging, like today when he ate the homemade hand warmers filled with rice that I received for Christmas and absentmindedly left on my kitchen counter…but always there, at my feet, or my hip (on the couch) or even taking up space on my kingsize bed.
That sounds wonderful STL. I hope you were able to experience some exciting adventures while there.
Yes, dogs can at times be quite trying but it’s hard to stay mad at them. It’s those damn puppy dog eyes. (Works for my daughters too)
We did have a very nice Christmas. We updated the complicated events here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/infidelity-makes-complicated-christmas-part-2/
I’m starting this brand new year very confused. Never had a dday, it started 8 mos ago with a sick gut feeling, texts, hidden emails, caginess, typical stuff. I questioned and questioned and was met with arrogance and nastiness – I was the crazy bat sh!t problem. As things have trickled out – with painful slowness – I come to find out I was right all along. And I feel oddly less rage filled. After months of being lied to, the truth is refreshing. I couldn’t wait to kick 2013 out the door, but 2014 is going to be tough too. I love my h. He is the only person I have ever loved. I hate what he has made me feel. I’ll never feel blind trust for him again. That security and trust, which has been a blanket for me since I was 23 is gone forever. I have decided to make this year about me and making myself better. Including therapy to address my role in the marital problems prior to his ea. but I’m sad, and I’m so tired of being sad. In 6 months when school ends, I’m moving back to our original home (1200 miles away) and I plan on staying there for good. Everything where we are now is related to his work – our house, his family the ow, the car. The restaurants they went to while i was in a ball on the shower floor sobbing – no need to see those places. The company name is on everything, every family function (which ive opted out of and i look pretty bad as a result) involves her. It’s kind of an incestuous mish mash of drama and high emotion and immaturity, a family with narcissistic tendencies and a very warped sense of self. I don’t know if that means divorce, I don’t need to think about that. But I need support and I need to be in a place where they were never together – my place. I feel very confident that the ea is over, but I want to leave with what’s left of my dignity, and not play phony in front of his family (who think the world of him), and risk snapping in public and really looking like a loony toon. I haven’t told anyone about this, I’m very embarrassed by what my marriage has become, and it was my biggest source of pride for a long time.
Hang in there Jeddy. For what it’s worth, to me it seems as though you have a great mindset when you say that you’re going to make 2014 about you and making yourself better. Best of luck!
Jeddy, At six months you’re still in the fairly early stages of your grief. Your marriage can be healed if your husband is willing to work with you and the EA is truly, truly over. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. You’re not going to like it, but things will never, ever be the same again. You will never trust your husband completely again, and you’ll come to learn that’s a good thing. No one should ever COMPLETELY trust anyone else because we’re all humans and humans make mistakes. Giving complete trust to another person sets yourself up for the greatest of pain. I’m nearly two years post d-day and while I’m confident that our marriage is on the right track, I also live with the realities that my husband’s EA is the first thing that crosses my mind upon waking every day and I will never fully trust him again.
I am starting 2014 much like I left 2013. I have a H who still says he doesn’t know if he is in love with the ow even though he swears he has had no contact with her for 6 months. He isn’t living with me anymore and I just think I am so ready to just throw in the towel. I don’t see a time when I will ever trust him again. I don’t believe he loves me and if he does I believe he loves the ow more. I am tired of being sad all the damn time and I know I have to hurt even if we divorce, at least that hurt would eventually have an end. And by the way, I got a new puppy too. I added a beagle puppy to the foxhound and lab we already have not to mention the cat. So now its official, I have a zoo.
SSM, I sure hope you are able to get over the sadness and find happiness soon. Maybe the puppy will be a catalyst of sorts.
Doug, we have a black labrador too. Not sure how old she is. Very sweet, not very bright, so fat we call her The Coffetable. Insane about my husband. I am probably the only person on here who is stepmother to their husband’s girlfriend’s dog. Maybe the person on earth, lol. He had a dog when I met him but she disappeared. One day he called me at work, said he did something he “shouldn’t have” and had gotten this dog at the pound. I always had a suspicion it had to do with Gf. One day I found an email he sent her regarding the welfare if the dog. He later admitted sure had it but had to surrender it to the pound. Ms. “sucks to be you can’t even care for a damn dog.” I dont really think about it much now, but it pissed me off for a while. Every once in a while I will cal the dog by the name she gave it, or her name for fun. My daughter likes the dog, gives her a reason to buy dog treats with her allowance.
Hey, Giz, good for you that you can care for the dog despite its roots! One of the reasons I would not share my dog initially with my H who wanted him was I didn’t even want my dog in the same room as his GF, who also has two dogs. One of the first ways they began really connecting in earnest was when I left him in 2011 after the first relationship, the second GF (who he is still with) and he used to walk the dogs together.
I feel like I’ve made great progress in that I now do not care at all what the F he chooses to do or not do with her, we are done, and I am actually willing to let him spend time with the dog this coming weekend. We will see how that goes.
Giz, this is our third black lab. We just love them. They have the best disposition ever but they do tend to put on the pounds if you don’t exercise them enough or as they age.
I march forward into the new year with some optimism but much trepidation as well. My marriage is in a state of limbo. I doscovered my was having an EA with another man about 8 weeks ago and she continues to deny it though I saw the texts between them and there were the “i love you” and “thinking about you” texts between them so by any one’s definition they are having an affair. Not sure where it is as I know there is some communication back and forth but it’s during the day and I have not seen any more texts as she won’t let me. She is currently “deciding” if she wants to stay married to me. If I think about that situation too long it drives me crazy. She’s of course caught up in the affair fog and not thinking clearly. We have 2 sons (an 8yo and 14yo) so I am going to do all I can to save our marriage, but as everyone knows it’s hard. I do see the OM and I will probably tell the jacka** at some point what I think of him. Of course the dope is married as well so it’s all very complicated. Having said all that I think that 2014 will be a significant year of change in my life whether my wife and I stay together or not. I do hope that all of you in this community have a brighter, hopeful new year.
Bex, take care of you. If she can’t give up contact and won’t let you have any sense of accountability, it is an indication that she doesn’t understand what she stands to lose. I hope for you to have a good year and as I have discovered and am discovering, change is not always bad despite the pain. I can tell you are a good man. Stay centered for your kids, they really need you.
P.S. Doug, how did it go with Linda’s brother and all that complicated stuff?
Kind of a big day for me. Since I decided that this year had to be different for me and my well being, I took action. I had an epiphany and told my husband he if was committed to trying to save our marriage, he could start with 3 things. 1) he had to write an email to the former ow (it ended a few mos ago, I have no proof to believe otherwise) stating that I knew everything and that she had best notify her husband 2) I wanted 13 mos of phone records 3) this was conditional – if he agreed to the first 2, then he needed to make an appt with a marriage counselor. I told him this calmly, deleting the adjectives and being businesslike. My plan (and I think this is what helped me mentally) was if he said yes, great, proceed with marriage and if he balked, I could take care of the above myself, with pretty significant effect. He did it it immediately. The email I envisioned was “my wife knows everything, tell your husband ASAP, or she will.”. He wrote a very long email, emotion free about what a mistake he had made. He sent it (bcc’d me) and it was quite cathartic he said. What I felt, interestingly, was some power – this problem he made was no longer mine to solve. It wasn’t a hush hush secret. Because she’s an employee in his family’s business, Monday should be a fun day. At this point his sister knows, which means his mother knows. My h is concerned about getting sued by the hillbilly. Again, not my problem. He never once considered the impact of all of this. But he is realizing that the problem is in the original action, not the reaction. I feel like I lobbed the ball back where it needed to be. I was wearing the shame like a yoke and now I’m not. I also told him that as soon as school ends I am moving out with the kids to our old town, the place I know they’ve never been together. He agreed. I now can focus on my future and my next 6 mos. as for contacting the hillbillys husband, I haven’t decided how or when. I wish someone had told me 8mos ago – I’d have never moved here. But I’m sure she’s uneasy. I do feel he needs to know – the ugly truth would have saved me from so many pretty lies, and throwing up, crying in the shower, being called crazy – all that jazz. Interested in other’s thoughts about this. Btw, Ive met her maybe once, not spoken to her, and know absolutely nothing about him.
I’m putting myself solidly in the place of the OW’s husband and I’m saying that I most definitely need to know. As I look back upon the pain that my husband’s EA has caused me and still causes me two years later I STILL would not want to be in the dark about it’s happening. I say this even if it had ended without my finding out. No one wants to live a lie even if the truth is painful. I don’t think there is any question that you should tell him. Don’t get caught up, however, in being any kind of support for him. Tell him about this site perhaps, tell him to confide in some close friends, but your family and his should be separate forever. Let us know how it turns out. We’re all here for you!
The ea ended up telling her husband before I needed to. Which frankly was what I had hoped. I want to be as separate as I can and never have to interact with them. The hillbillyb ea is furious – since it ended in September, she thinks it should have stayed buried in the ground and that I’ve turned up a pile which should have been left to rot. But my husband is coming to realize the damage of the lies, I think a few weeks ago he would not have. He also said he wasn’t himself while this was going on and he’s revolted that he felt anything for her. The family is being told of the situation (due to family business employing them both) by my h. I feel like myself for the first time since march. I wasn’t crazy or paranoid. I wasn’t the problem in this situation, they were so they can deal with it. Since he carried on the affair while we were in counseling, he now sees that I could have done nothing to save the marriage, that I didn’t stand a chance compared to a country mouse who blew sunshine up his a**. The marriage continued to deteriorate because of the secrets, we had no foundation on which to build. Not sure if the marriage will survive, it’s not a decision I need to make right now at all. But I feel like me, and I see my h behaving like the man I’ve always known. So I’m moving onto the next steps with more strength and less bitterness than I had 7 days ago. The weight completely lifted off of me. Granted I could be a mess tomorrow, but today I’ll take it. And I will always be on the side of telling the spouse. No exceptions.
That’s good Jedda, he found out and it didn’t need to come from you. Even better your h appears to be finally waking up. That’s great. No one knows what lays ahead for any of us, so taking one day at a time is all anyone can do and now having your h behaving better helps.
We all have those dreaded days where we have a few setbacks and we question ourselves, but the good days arrive more often, and the bad ones, start losing hold and appear less often.
Hold onto these good days, they are what keep you moving forward, with your h.
So I am very happy that things are looking very good for you this past week and I truly hope these days are more often and your marriage becomes more stronger than you could ever have imagined. Here is hoping your h is now well on his way at proving himself to you now. Showing you just how important you are to him, and focusing everything he has on getting the both of you back in track.
Isn’t it so nice, when you see, truly see the man you married, the man you have known for so long, just all of a sudden reappear? It’s like one day, you have the man you know and love, next thing there is a man standing in front of you declaring his love for someone else, standing in front of you with hate in his eyes and heart, and you wonder, who is this person? Where has my h gone? Yet if only as quick as this new person came, it just takes longer to bring the old one we love and who loves us back into view. It’s a shame that it takes so long, yet how good does it feel, when you finally start seeing this person again, and each day just brings this man back closer and stronger and someone that starts to become more and more appreciative of what he has in front if him, and one that he knows was always right there in front of him. His wife and kids.
we will always however be cautious so taking one step at a time, one day at a time, is what will get you through what ever lies ahead in front of you.
Hi and happy new year everyone.
we had a very busy holiday period, moving half our home to the new city. Many a time I recalled how awful it was 2 years ago, how optimistic but still delicate things were last year. This year things finally feel solid and optimistic. My h is a different person. I’d say he’s more like an adult.
I’m excited about 2014 now. Its taken a v long time to get to this point but, pending some stupid relapse, we have good prospects. The downside is that my sis is still being weird, I can’t get to the root of how to solve that but I know its not my fault.
Hello,
I survived the holidays after living with my wife’s EA since discovered in June. Last year was probably the worst I have had. She is in denial that she is doing anything wrong despite their constant contact and even an international phone call to him. I realize that my anger and jealously only seems to stiffen her resolve to keep her “good friend” (her words). I am working on remaining committed to our marriage while being less available to her.
Looking forward to 2014 and whatever resolution it will bring.