Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #26

Open Mic DiscussionIt’s actually been since early September since we’ve had an open discussion.  So, we thought it’s a good time for Open Mic #26 !  

In case you didn’t know, or are a new reader, this is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  Anyways, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • Have any successes to share? Big or small. (It would be nice to hear some of these!)
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • What team is going to win the Super Bowl?
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

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103 Responses to Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #26

  1. TheFirstWife January 17, 2017 at 3:17 pm #

    Here is what is working for me. .For 2017 I have decided not to bring up the past.

    No reference to the affair.

    No references to past hurts or actions.

    I refuse to focus on his past issues.

    I promise to look at each day anew and stay positive and in the present.

    The past cannot be undone but I can remain positive for my future.

    So far it is working.

    • Robert January 23, 2017 at 8:33 pm #

      God bless you for that perspective but it has got to be very difficult? I wish you well.

      • TheFirstWife January 24, 2017 at 1:30 pm #

        You are right. Some days it is not easy but I have come to the place that if I let the affair or his choices take over it ruins my day.

        I had enough ruined days until I decided or realized my anger was hurting me. Ruining my day. And I decided I was no longer going to let it get to me.

        It was hard at first. When I would wake up from a nightmare where he is leaving me again – it used to ruin my week. Now I give it no thought b/c honestly the next time he wants to leave me, I will gladly help him back. LOL

        I just won’t get sucked back into the drama again. Ever.

        I think positive thoughts and it helps me tremendously. If I am negative it just drags me down.

        It is a mindset that took me 3 years to achieve. It was hard but it has made a difference for me.

      • Bluejay January 30, 2017 at 1:46 pm #

        What a positive perspective that I hope someday I will be able to garnish the power to have. My wife’s affair was an online one with an old high school friend. My DDay was august 2 when I found some of the Facebook exchanges between the two of them. Maybe it’s way to early for me to be that positive but it does give me hope that I can reach that point at sometime. The feelings are still to raw and the hurt is still deep. It still consume much of my day to day thinking and yes I keep asking why? We have been married 27 years and four kids later and about to enter our last phase of life together. No she has made me reconsider everything about her and our relationship. Was it perfect before the affair, of course not but it was not terrible. I know I have to make some choices about our marriage and future but it still seems far away. Thank you for the positive view!

  2. Shifting Impressions January 17, 2017 at 3:44 pm #

    TFW
    That is interesting that you posted that….my thought or question was “When is it Enough?” When do you stop asking for more details or keep making yourself crazy trying to figure it all out? After three years….maybe it’s just time to look forward instead of back. I just hadn’t posted yet….and there you go giving me my answer!!!

    All week long I have been thinking……it’s time to really let go. Enough already, I would really like that positive way as well. I have let the triggers have way to much control over me.

    • TheFirstWife January 17, 2017 at 5:54 pm #

      I actually spent the last 6 months going over the past and I came to the concludion that:

      There are no answers that would change anything

      My H has made changes and things are different

      The lies that were told during and sfter the affair are not going to go away or magically disappear

      I need to be in charge of my future and happiness

      Instead of focusing on the negative I csn choose to change my thinking to be positive

      the future is here and now. Time to move on. I choose not to let the past define me or trap me.

      On to bigger and better things.

      • blueskyabove January 17, 2017 at 8:31 pm #

        * The FirstWife and Shifting Impressions,

        Bravo ladies! Your comments about this very important decision you each have chosen regarding both your present and future life are incredibly important in determining your success and your happiness!

        This doesn’t mean it will necessarily be smooth sailing, but you each have shown a willingness to value yourself plus a belief in yourself that you can handle whatever lies ahead. I couldn’t be happier for you. What a lovely example you have each shown with this decision. Not everyone has the capacity to strive for such great heights.

        Michelangelo said: “The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.”

        I don’t know who first said the following, but I believe they must have had you each in mind:

        “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. Those persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

        May God bless you both.

        • Shifting Impressions January 18, 2017 at 12:37 am #

          Blue
          Thank you so much for your kind words. From the beginning my prayer was that I would not let this make me hard or bitter. After three long years it is just recently that I am starting turn this new corner of letting go. Maybe others get to this place sooner but it’s a process that I don’t believe can be hurried or bypassed.

          I value the support and words of wisdom I find here.

          Actually, I think I simply got tired of crying and giving my power away.

          Thanks again, Blue

          • blueskyabove January 18, 2017 at 9:19 pm #

            You’re welcome, Shifting Impressions.

            I’m not very good at words, but I can recognize an invaluable quote when I see it! And I’ve become pretty good at identifying whether or not people truly value themselves. Sadly, most people don’t. Their actions and their words give them away. They can beat on their chest and declare it to be so, but other people intuitively seem to know that the braggadocio is a sign of emptiness. People who love themselves don’t have a desire to compare themselves to others, don’t look for reasons to diminish themselves or others, and basically, have no desire to continue to hurt themselves or others. They just seem to know that it’s counterproductive.

            Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding your healing timeline. Be grateful you made the decision to bet on you. Some people will never ever reach your state of acceptance.

            Take care.

    • Robert January 23, 2017 at 8:35 pm #

      I hate triggers!!! Has anyone figured out how to best deal with them and not just shut down?

      • TheFirstWife January 24, 2017 at 1:23 pm #

        Hi Robert

        It can take a very long time to get past that.

        I have an aversion to jazz music thanks to my H’s affair. Some days he can play it and no reaction and other days it MUST be turned off.

        And we are 3 years past DDay.

        I think the triggers slowly fade away. What bothered me years ago is not a big deal, though I think there arecsome days where it all bothers you.

        I just keep saying to myself what is he doing now? What is reality now? Is he trying to make amends or change things?

        But in those moments when you are about to react I just leave the room or do something – anything – to get my mind off of the thought or feeling.

        Easier said than done I know. But I find just playing a feel good song is enough to change my focus. Or a good Rolling Stones song!

        • Robert January 30, 2017 at 1:52 pm #

          Like maybe “you can’t always get what you want”😀 I sincerely appreciate the perspective on triggers as my dday has been only 4 months old and the triggers still very raw.
          Have you ever shared your triggers with your cheating spouse? Is it helpful?

  3. Corey H. January 17, 2017 at 11:11 pm #

    I’ve been married 6 years, 7 in March. 2 years ago, August 21st to be exact, my husband confessed to having cheated on me with an ex a few times while we were dating and once with her during the first few months of our marriage. He said he doesn’t really know why he did it other than he did because he “could”.
    I chose to forgive because it happened so long ago and he really was a completely different man since then,we both had changed for the better , and our marriage had changed and became better too.
    The problem is…. I think he’s lying. Really part of me ‘feels’ like I know he’s lying. I know yall know exactly what I mean when I say that our entire marriage has been running through my head this entire time. Memories I didn’t know I remembered popped up constantly. I didn’t want the to, f that, but I had no control. Memories of suspicious crap. I just hope yall know what I mean.
    I feel like there’s more. As in he’s been cheating on me with who knows who or how many people our entire marriage even up to now, today even.
    I need help. I don’t investigate anymore I’ve been down that road it doesn’t help ME, it only hurts me.
    I just don’t know if it’s my gut or if it’s paranoia, fear, and distrust making me feel and think this way considering the circumstances. He’s adamant that’s all and he’s telling the truth but I believe he felt guilty confessed the bare minimum that he believed was forgivable to ease his conscience and justifies it with anymore will hurt her more so this is enough or he confessed hoping I’d leave him and confessed just enough for his parents and friends to forgive him and not think less of him and be able to blame the divorce on me also so his family and friends don’t think less of him.
    I don’t know what instinct is. Idk what to believe. It’s haunting me though two years later. Help.

    • Corey H. January 17, 2017 at 11:19 pm #

      I feel so much rage about it. Like f you. I was loyal. I loved you so fing much. So fing much. I truly trusted you with my fing life. F you for this. F you. I didn’t fing deserve it. I don’t fing deserve it. F you. F you. F you. I would’ve done anything for you. F you. F you. I was looking for, I wanted, and I deserved the kind of love and loyalty I have for you. F you. I believed you. I fing believes IN YOU.! You stole from me. From my kids. F. You.

      • Corey H. January 17, 2017 at 11:32 pm #

        And also. F all of you thinking about, are, or having a a hard time stopping an remotional or physical affair. F you all for that. This is what’s hard. Being faithful, loving, and honest is through sickness and in health till death do you part is what’s hard. Trusting another person with your life to never hurt you is hard. Putting someone before you and above all temptations is hard. I’ve gone 6 – 7 years fighting and doing all this and could easily go 100 more. Love is a choice. To love anyways is a choice. No matter how hard. It is a choice. You choose an affair even though it’s difficult to lie and cover up. You choose. You fing choose. Choose to love your spouse anyways instead.

        • TheFirstWife January 18, 2017 at 6:30 am #

          Corey. I am so sorry for you and know that all of us feel your pain. We completely understand. We have lived with the “gift” of being married to a cheater. And it really stinks.

          I would suggest counseling for you. It saved my sanity and my marriage. My H refused any help at all (typical cheater behavior) but I went for years. it helped me get through all of it.

          My H’s Mid Life Crisis affair was not his first. He had a 4 year emotional affsir he would never ever admit to.

          The first affair was swept under the rug. The second one was not as I refused to go along with that. But the last 3 years since his last affair came to light has been hard.

          You now look back and see things differently. The Rose colored glasses are off as my therapist said. You over analyze things (because that is what affairs do).

          Your self confidence is undermined. Your self worth is undermined. Your ability to trust is shattered.

          Now here is the but – the BUT that was the choice you face. Do you still want to be married to this man? Can you see yourself being happy with him?

          What would he need to do to make things better? Can you tell him this.

          It is hard to let go of the anger and rage. Trust me I know – we all know.

          You are probably right he did not give you 100% truth. But can you accept that?

          Mostly I made a choice to not live in the past but it took me 3 years to get here. I chose to keep my family intact. I chose to move past the pain and hurt and anger. I also choose to out me and my happiness first. Not in a selfish way but in a way that makes me fulfilled.

          I think counseling can help you. I hope you make the choice to go for YOU!

          Please know that your H’s choices to cheat are his character flaw and have no bearing on you. Please keep telling yourself that over and over. One day you will realize that little gem makes all the difference. It stops you from blaming yourself for his affairs.

          Good luck to you. Be positive about you and put yourself first. If you choose your marriage I hope it is a happy marriage for you. You deserve it.

        • Sarah P. January 18, 2017 at 3:34 pm #

          Dear Corey,

          I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. If it is any consolation, all of the words you wrote have gone through my head when I have been filled with rage about my ex. You are not alone in feeling the way you feel.

          A very wise woman told me recently that each of us must separate our own actions and intentions from that of our spouse. She told me being a good person and working hard on the marriage cannot guarantee what I spouse does. I have always lived under the belief that if I am good to someone and do not cheat, that I will be treated the same way. I have a hard time accepting it as true, but it is true. People can choose of their own free will what to do and being good to others does not mean someone will return the good.

          I believe it is time to see a counselor because this is just too difficult to go through on your own. Finding the right therapist is essential because they have the tools to help.

          Otherwise, please let us know how we can help you through this.

          My best to you,

          Sarah

  4. Hopeful January 17, 2017 at 11:22 pm #

    I agree with all of this!! There were times especially after dday 1 one year anniversary that were hard. I had a lot of doubt. I questioned if I got the real answers.

    My therapist helped me a lot. He agreed there is a need to get answers and to heal and work through this all. But at a certain point will it help, will it make it better? I really decided I was spinning my wheels and dragging myself down. And for me no answer was going to make me feel better.
    My therapist told me he has plenty of patients where he finally recommends not staying together. At a certain point if the work has been done then you have to move forward. Of course with boundaries and still continuing to work on the relationship but not focusing on the affairs.

    I will say it comes up still once in a while but more in a reflective way or as a point of discussion. As time passes my husband is more thankful and appreciative than ever. And also at one point last year I decided I wanted to be happy and made that choice vs thinking about the past and his affairs. They already stole enough of my and our time. He was always around but I would say sort of detached at times out of shame and guilt. He is 100% in and working so hard so if I need to bring something up I do but really it is framed around the present and future not the past.

    Happy 2017!

  5. theresa January 18, 2017 at 10:17 pm #

    Every time I read another account of betrayal I feel my heart squeeze. I can remember the pain of each kick in my chest that left me breathless.. Each incident, each discovery, each lie. I berate myself for accepting the bullshit, justifying my inaction, doubting myself. This is my past and present. Won’t be my future.
    Do not ignore your instinct. God gave us this power to protect ourselves.
    Give yourself time to consider, time to decide what you can live with, what you will not accept. Time to decided how YOU want the rest of YOUR life to flow.
    Keep true to yourself. Do not give yourself permission to betray yourself and your beliefs.
    If you have questions ask them, you owe this to yourself. Be prepared for surprises.
    You and you alone are responsible for your own happiness.

    • Rachel January 21, 2017 at 7:02 am #

      Love this Theresa!

  6. Hurt January 19, 2017 at 9:05 am #

    I found out 6 weeks ago my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found out as they had booked a hotel room but never actually went as I found out2 days before this was due to happen.
    Since finding out my husband given me access to everything, he has also got the work colleague transferred.
    He has told me about the affair but has not been completely honest as still finding out things now.
    His reasoning is he doesn’t want me to think it was more than it was.
    He says he felt unloved at home and was flattered by the attention.
    My argument is by lying about how often they were texting or meeting up it makes him look more guilty.
    When I do bring up the affair he gets angry and says we are going round in circles, but as I keep explaining every time we do go round in circles I find out more!
    I believe it was never physical and that he book the hotel as he was flattered someone wanted him.
    On good days since I found out they are amazing, but on the bad days they are horrible and I just want him to leave.
    I feel so hurt as I never in a million years thought he would do this.
    I know we were not putting on relationship first cos of kids and other family issues, but why didn’t he talk to me. Why did he go running to someone else.
    I can’t cope with the pain and don’t know if we can get through this.

    • TheFirstWife January 19, 2017 at 10:57 am #

      Hurt. I am so sorry. We have all been there. We understand the pain and frustration and anger and betrayal you feel.

      As this is so new please take advice from someone who has been down this road. Let me point out a few positives to you

      First, your husband has ended contact and had the person transferred. That is a sign that he has admitted his wrongdoing and is willing to make amends and put your marriage first. Many involved in an emotional affair don’t even acknowledge The affair or end contact voluntarily.

      Second he has given you access to his phone and that is a big deal as well. Many cheaters would never even allow that so early after discovery of the affair.

      Third, and this is based on my own experience and all that I have read on this blog. Most likely you will never get 100% truth. Once the affair comes to light, the cheater is in fear of the marriage being destroyed and the betrayed spouse leaving. Please note that the lying that may continue or the gas lighting or lying by omission is done by the cheater out of fear.

      I think that you have to take a step back and come to terms with what his happened. I’m not saying ignore it or sweep it under the rug, but just processing and understanding this did happen.

      It is hard to understand why your spouse would turn to someone else. One of my theories is they enjoy the ego boost and the flattery. It doesn’t make sense that their choices would be to engage in that way with someone else, because most often times they have a loving and supportive spouse already.

      I think sometimes these affairs gain momentum because the cheating spouse has the ability to be someone else. They can pretend to be a fun loving, carefree, happy go lucky person when in reality at home they are completely opposite.

      Please do not let your spouse bully you into believing that you had anything to do with this affair. My husband tried that routine but I was smart enough to poke holes in everyone of his theories.

      Please know your husband made a choice and that is his cross to bear.

      You may want to suggest joint counseling and if your husband refuses to go to counseling, please consider going alone.it will be an opportunity for you to deal with this mess and figure out how to manage the anger and frustration and hurt.

      Please do not be offended if your husband decides not to go to counseling.it appears that most cheaters avoid it because it is so painful for them.

      I wish you luck and please continue to be part of this blog because I have to tell you that this blog saved my sanity and my marriage at a time when I was ready to lose it.

      Be sure to put yourself first, your happiness first, and your family as well. This is a time when your husband can no longer be number one.

      I wish you all the best. You deserve a happy marriage.

      PS my H’s last affair led him to ask for a divorce 2x in one week. When I found out about the affair I was livid. But we are still together and happy and doing well. But it took 3 years of fighting an uphill battle at times to get here.

    • Amanda January 21, 2017 at 4:45 pm #

      My story seems very similar to yours. I will say there are better days than others as well. And my H didn’t feel desired and appreciated by me and found a collegue that thought he was… I would say to keep reading thing to help so you can see you are not alone. And if you can go to counseling to help you realize it is not about you then go.

      And I’m thankful for being able
      To see that 2 years isn’t still too long to be in all of this affair stuff. I feel
      Like we shouldn’t be stuck anymore and we should be progressing further. DDay was Summer of 15. We started counseling summer of 16. He sees her every day at work. He doesn’t text her like he did but she is still there and he emails her some. I’m not sure he is completly honest with me either but it could just be me being so sensitive to everything. He still Gets angry and resentful that we don’t have the connection that they did. I feel
      Like he is settling for me. I don’t Doubt that he loves me but I just wish he would try to fight for us harder. Make a choice for me because he wants me. He isn’t there at this point. He says he doesn’t know if he will be. Like maybe that time for that passion/lovey Dovey for us is over (married almost 18 years). I don’t feel that way. I’m still crazy about him and have been willing to forgive him And I am still loving and treat him good. He is just in a funk..like someone who lost their best friend..and it drives me crazy. It really doesn’t matter what I do or say. Even if I am everything he ever wanted at this point in my mind.

      Thanks for the continied thoughts and articles on this site.

      • TheFirstWife January 22, 2017 at 4:46 pm #

        Amanda. So sorry for you. I lived with yoyr same situation. My H was missing his OW and treated me horribly and kept telling me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me blah blah blah.

        When his affair resumed with the OW (part 2) and I found out I exploded with rage and told him to get out.

        And he knew hecwas out if chances and that is when he started working his tail off to keep us together.

        Sometimes they need a good swift kick in the butt. Too bad it takes that to make them see what is right in front of them – a good spouse and good marriage and family.

        I swear this mid life crisis thing is exhausting. And pathetic.

  7. theresa January 19, 2017 at 5:12 pm #

    Putting yourself first is the first commandment. This may be the single most important thing you will ever do for yourself. And right now you need to look in. What you need for yourself and what you will not accept from this time forward.
    Understand that every one of your nerves is like a hot poker, decisions made now may not be the best for the long term. Try not to make any major decisions until you feel more in control.
    You owe him nothing, no consideration, no empathy, no trust, no support. He gave away those things that are a bedrock of a marriage. You have a right to get questions answered honestly. I think, without question, the single most destructive thing the cheater WILL do is continue to be dishonest. This word, dishonest, is important to me. It does not give the cheater any wiggle room. It encompasses the nature of cheating, infidelity, adultery, betrayal. It means lying, omission, tweaking, blaming others, justification, …….!
    Do not allow him to turn it around. He made a choice that under any circumstances was wrong. It did not “just happen”. They did not decide to reserve a hotel room, for a future date, in the spur of a moment.
    He took a vow, made a commitment, made a promise to be faithful. He broke that vow. There are NO acceptable excuses, reasons, circumstances.
    And unless you are lucky, there will always be more.
    That being said, from your story, and his responses there is room for hope. So many of us have found out further down this road. Earlier intervention made have had better results.
    Knowing the stories of other members of this club, what they experienced, how they handled it, and what works and doesn’t work is a huge advantage for those coming here sooner rather than later.

    First off, you’ve come to the section of EAJ that was created for those a little further up the road. Have you checked out the info for those who “have just found out”?

    Take a look at the programs developed by Linda and Doug.
    This section is a gold mine.
    No two stories are exactly alike.
    Don’t dismiss suggestions from others because their situation is different from yours.
    There are some ” universal” factors which apply to any given situation.
    There are other sources for help. Most of us have favorite books or other sites that we recommend, including a good list right here on EAJ.
    (There is sooooo much info out there. I consider this jewel (EAJ) the best. As such, I find recommendations from here the most meaningful,
    Like minds think alike.)

    I’m praying for you.

    AND RIGHT NOW IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!

  8. Hurt January 20, 2017 at 6:39 am #

    Thank you for your responses.
    I have brought up marriage counselling and he has agreed to go and said he will do whatever he can to make it work.
    I even suggested going to meet the OW and he has told me if he thinks it will help me then do it. By him saying this makes me believe that what he has said is the truth.
    What hurts more is it was all premeditated. I’m not saying a one night stand would hurt any less but if he had done that I know he hadn’t been planning to hurt me for the months it was going on.
    When I do mention about we were putting everyone else before our relationship he does tell me that is no excuse for what he has done. He is taking full responsibility (as he should!)
    I see he is in pain and having break downs but not because he wants sympathy but because he knows the pain he has caused me and the damage he has done to our marriage.
    I know he regrets it but that doesn’t stop the pain.
    Also I keep thinking of the what’s ifs and maybe if I hadn’t found out, and I know this isn’t helping and I know he can never answer these questions!

    • TheFirstWife January 20, 2017 at 8:41 am #

      We understand your pain. Right now it is all new and fresh and raw.

      But you have a few positives here.

      Keep focusing on that.

      Keep putting yourself first and getting boundaries set and your needs met.

      I wish you all the best. I hope your road to recovery leads to a renewed marriage.

  9. Doug January 20, 2017 at 8:46 am #

    Not too long ago, Linda and our daughters all read the book, “The Girl on the Train” – and loved it. Last night Linda noticed it was available on demand. Linda was excited to watch it – as were our daughters – so of course we did.

    I know that TV and movies can really stir up triggers and memories, and boy, this movie most certainly could do that. Though it’s a pretty good flick, I don’t recommend a betrayed spouse watch it if easily triggered by such things or if your D-day was fairly recent. Just a friendly warning.

    That said, the fact that Linda read the book and wanted to watch the movie is testament to the fact that triggers, images and memories of infidelity (and the pain they cause) can fade away over time.

    • Hopeful January 26, 2017 at 2:44 pm #

      Good for Linda! That book hit too close to home. I do not think it was that the story was the same but the deception and level of deceit and lies. It honestly made me sick. I just cannot see the movie. What is interesting pre dday I hard read gone girl and we went to the move for a date night. Well my husband no clue what the movie was about. He told me after dday it was horrific for him and he even stopped wanting to watch tv with me due to his guilt and shame. Crazy how he created this situation but then could not deal with it even though he had all the necessary tools.

  10. Puzzled January 20, 2017 at 9:50 am #

    This site has been a critical part of my healing. So thank you for that. I honestly hurt for all of you going through this and understand the anger, confusion, and every other emotion you’re going through. My D-day was somewhat two fold as I’m sure many others face. My wife of 20 years told me on March 15, 2015 that “she wasn’t happy & wasn’t in love with me”. This floored me. She swore there wasn’t anyone else and she was simply unsure of what she was feeling any more. I walked on egg shells as things continued to decline in how she treated me on a daily basis. I couldn’t get answers nor did she really want to talk about us. Hurt, lost, and confused can’t even touch my feelings. Our minister suggested counseling, which my wife reluctantly agreed to. She cried. She said that I was a good man and she wasn’t a good person. I thought she was just in a mid-life crisis and having a tough time with work. I asked her if there was someone else. And she said “never. There’s no body else”. However, the further she went into counseling, the worse things seemed to get. He was peeling back the layers and the truth was going to come out. That’s when she said she didn’t want to go back.
    Things between us vacillated between ok and awful. The gut punch came on June 12, 2015 when I woke up at 2:00 am and saw my wife send a text really fast and roll over quickly to seem asleep. That, unfortunately, was when my naive belief in things exploded in pieces. I won’t get into more details but there was the typical denials, half truths, etc. But I knew the truth. My world was imploding. Sadly, she still doesn’t realize that our two older kids knew what was happening. They’re college/late high school age. They’re smart and both approached me before I had even suspected anything. I told them “you’re mom would never do that.” A woman’s intuition isn’t just an “old wive’s tale”. Two daughters and they saw it and were trying to protect me.
    Fast forward almost 18 months: things are better. We are rebuilding and restoring what we had and trying to build something greater between us. I’ll never understand “why”. I still struggle with triggers. I still struggle with things that she said to me and how I was treated during her “fog” period. I wish that I could say my heart is healed but part of me holds back because of fear. I’ll get past that eventually. I’m certain of that. My wife finally understood what she did. Her EA wasn’t a big deal in her mind because it wasn’t physical and they were “just friends”. I explained in a lot of detail exactly how her EA started, progressed, and ended. She looked at me like I had read her mind. This site along with some others has given me great insight and understanding of EA’s and how the cheating spouse acts. I’m so thankful for that so I knew I wasn’t alone.
    I kept a list of things that my wife did/said and keep it with me. I’m thinking about burning them or giving them to her to burn. They are my crutch that I look to so I don’t fully ascend above this mess. My wife wants us back. I want us back. I hesitate because I still don’t know who it was. She said it was someone from work. My gut tells me it’s someone I know, possibly a “friend” of mine. I’m not sure knowing will help me or hurt me. Her refusal to tell me the name is my biggest stumbling block. We’ve come so far and rebuilt our marriage. Will this throw me back into another D-day or will it be the final piece of the puzzle that finishes it so we can put it in the box and back on the shelf? That’s my quandary.
    Sorry for the long post. I hadn’t verbalize a lot of this other than in my head. God bless all of you going through a new EA/PA and all of you who have been through this hell. For those of you going through it, keep battling every day. You are not at fault for this. You can grow from this. You can make it!

    • Untold January 23, 2017 at 8:26 am #

      Puzzled, beyond doubt you need to know who it was. It’s the only way boundaries and protections can be put in place to avoid it stirring up again. Your wife owes you the truth. Trust me. Three years after final DDay, three different counselors, I’m still struggling, we’re still struggling, because I haven’t gotten the truth of major events. Wife is a master of denial, deceit and counselors have shielded her, not insisting full disclosure and/or polygraph.

      Good luck to you buddy. It’s a hard road but you sound up to the task.

      • TheFirstWife January 23, 2017 at 4:07 pm #

        I don’t know if I could have recovered from the affair if I did not know who it was.

        I cannot believe the counselor thinks this is acceptable. I know mine would have said that it would absolutely impair the healing process. And may make it impossible to move forward.

        That is about as bad as NOT admitting there was an EA to your spouse (which mine did for his first EA).

        i think the chrater plays with fire with that choice. It it not helpful.

  11. SoManyTears January 20, 2017 at 9:55 am #

    My issue, today, is the amount of deception my CH had during his 15 mo long affair. The OW was an ex of his and a friend of mine. They BOTH deceived me, to my face, for 15 MONTHS. Someone messaged me, a month before Dday, telling me that something was going on. I confronted my CH and he laughingly denied. He had me call the OW and read her the message. She laughingly denied too. He sat there and watched me do it! A month later, I accidentally discovered over 43,000 text, 200+ phone calls and penis pictures he had sent her. They didn’t miss one day of contact in those 15 months. He still denies having had an affair. Says they were just friends playing a “stupid” game. During the affair, he would make fun of the OW to me, behind her back. He acted like nothing was going on and for 15 months slept beside me pretending we had a great marriage! How can I accept such horrible behavior? How can I even be willing to work on my marriage with someone that was so deceitful? How could he have kept a straight face with me all those months even when all 3 of us were frequently in the same places together? WHO DOES THAT?? I think something is VERY wrong with someone that could do that to another human being. How in the world do I deal with my disgust? Do ALL cheaters act like that?? How can he love and value me, yet act like that?

    • Puzzled January 20, 2017 at 10:35 am #

      I know how you feel. How can the person we trusted more than anyone do this? How could they look us in the eye and blatantly lie? I wish that I could answer this. I have come to the realization that I will never know the answers but I know that I was not at fault and I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. It was her choice. Yes, things snow-balled and it became bigger than she believed.
      Talk it out with a minister, a counselor, a trusted (and objective/impartial) friend. You need to verbalize how you feel and what is going through your mind. It sounds like you have your answers so work from there.
      I have no doubt that my wife always loved me in word. However, love isn’t just a word, it’s an action. It’s how you treat someone. It’s how you act to demonstrate it. She was acting/demonstrating it through her EA. She had nothing left for me at home. But…she does show it now. She shows it every day. You cannot control how your husband will act. You can control how you act. Do you show grace, forgive, and rebuild? That is a daily challenge that can be a hard and difficult road. But, if you want to save your marriage, then FIGHT! Fight for it. Love for it. You do your best and see what happens. If things are revived, then enjoy the magic. If things don’t go as planned, don’t have regrets that you didn’t give your best to save your marriage.

      • TheFirstWife January 23, 2017 at 4:56 am #

        These are very wonderful thoughts.

        I wonder why people choose to cheat and then realize the error of their ways and THEN want the marriage.

        There is damage left in the wake. The aftermath is brutal.

        Not saying you cannot recover but there will always be that element of doubt left in the betrayed spouse’s mind.

    • TheFirstWife January 20, 2017 at 3:07 pm #

      I understand how you feel. Betrayal is a hard thing to understand.

      I read emails where my H was planning on divorcing me for months before he even said anything to me. He did ask for a divorce but next day begged me to reconsider. Week later asked for another divorce and begged me to reconsider .

      During affairs people you know and love become someone completely different and Unrecognizable.

      I just don’t get it.

      I am sorry you have to deal with this. The betrayal just adds a whole other level of problems to the situation. Especially when the cheater goes to the lengths to gaslight and flaunt it in your face like that.

    • TheFirstWife January 20, 2017 at 3:11 pm #

      Your situation of having a “friend” be the OW could be a deal breaker for some people.

      That is just awful. I was in your position where this girl pretended to be my friend to spend more time with my H. I was aware she was interested in my H but the games she played and stunts she pulled to spend time with him were unreal.

      So I understand you have even ore to deal with.

      Sorry you have to recognize you were friends with someone who had no morals or respect.

    • DistraughtandConfused January 30, 2017 at 3:06 pm #

      Wow, I think our stories are very similar. My husband had an affair with a good friend of ours, both of our families were very close. She and her husband were in our wedding, and my husband and I are godparents to their youngest child! For years, she was my “friend and confidante” and I shared everything with her – including issues my husband and I were having in our marriage – BIG mistake on my part! I even allowed her to watch my kids (instead of sending them to daycare), and we paid her for it! All the while, she was angling to get my husband, and she succeeded. For almost 5 years they were in an affair – I confronted my husband twice, the second time with evidence I found in an email! I even sent the email to her husband. However, everyone believed them and I felt like the crazy one. 2 years after that, I finally had had enough and hired a private investigator – it took 2 months, but I finally got the evidence and actually filed for divorce because I was so scared that everyone would deny it again. I did not want my marriage to end, but I felt I had no choice. What makes it worse is that my husband up until the last minute was still trying to get us all to be close friends again (i had withdrawn after the email i found back in 2013). It just makes NO sense that two people could remain in a full blown affair and want the families and spouses to be friends? The two of them denied and lied so much it was scary. And then, after all of this coming out in May of 2015, they remained in contact – just went deeper into secrecy. I discovered this contact several times over the last 20 months, and every time my husband says he is ending it, but never does. However, he refuses to leave or file for divorce. I unfortunately have withdrawn at this point and I am not really sure I want this marriage anymore. I really do not understand why someone continues to remain in an affair but say they want their marriage? My husband does work on our marriage (though not enough for me), and his contact with her only usually happens on the phone while he is at work, but to me, any contact with her completely limits our ability to move forward. I too cannot seem to get past how two people can live with so much deception and somehow seem to carry on as if they have done nothing wrong?

  12. Rachel January 21, 2017 at 7:20 am #

    Ugh, what a week!! My son was in severe stomach pain this week and to make a long story short he ended up having his appendix out. Waiting for the surgeon, yours truly was also at the hospital. His voice irritated me. I did not look at him or acknowledge him. I wondered what in God name ever did I see in this narsarsistic fool? He of course made this about himself. I cringed when we had to repeatedly hear his comments ” when I had my hernia surgery “… blah blah blah. This must have been said about 10 times and I just changed the subject and asked my son a question. He is so obnoxious.
    The day of the surgery he emailed me with an update. I already knew everything as the surgeon called me when my son was in recovery. His ending sentence was, ” it was nice to see you”.
    WHAT??? He knows he is getting under my skin, I know this is why he does this. Again, I didn’t respond. He’s such a fool, that will never change.

    • TheFirstWife January 21, 2017 at 7:46 am #

      So sorry to hear about your son. Hope he heals quickly.

      The ex, on the other hand, appears to have no hope for healing or living in reality.

      If someone doesn’t even respond or acknowledge you, how long does it take to get the message? I guess in some cases the message is ignored.

      I don’t know how you just didn’t smack him.

      • Rachel January 21, 2017 at 3:25 pm #

        The first wife lol, I so wanted to. I’m sure my facial comments spoke louder than words. My son is recovering nicely thank you. I was feeling not well at the same time. Weird, so many people have told me “sympathy pains”. It’s amazing the connection and similarities we have. His girlfriend broke up with him for someone else. He took it so hard and still is hurting from it. She’s not with the guy she wanted. And now wants my son. My son wants no part of her. #similarities.

  13. Theresa January 21, 2017 at 1:18 pm #

    I think my husband had an EA with a woman at his old job.
    He no longer works with her. I don’t see communication with her on his phone but he stays up all night EVERY night with his trusty phone right by his side.
    He acts very affectionate toward me but gets incredibly angry with me anytime this comes up.
    He refuses to talk about any of it and refuses to accept it as an affair since he didn’t have sex with her.
    We get along fine and everything is fine (exept for his all night alone with his phone deal) unless I bring up any issues between us. Then he freaks out and gets super upset.
    I feel like it’s all pretend! Without resolution how do I move on from any of this? Without him acknowledging the hell I’ve been through this past year, how do I ever trust him? Without him working on any issues, how do we ever get past this? And how do I ever get him to do this?

    • TheFirstWife January 21, 2017 at 5:23 pm #

      Theresa. I went thru the same thing for 4 years. When I sm done helping my son study for exams I will post. So sorry for you.

    • TheFirstWife January 21, 2017 at 8:05 pm #

      Theresa. I was in your position. My H had an EA in the 90s with someone that I had met (via him). She acted like my friend.

      From the moment I met her I told my husband to watch his back because she was very interested in him. We laughed about it because she knew we were married but it was very obvious that she was very interested in being more than friends.

      It wasn’t until about three years into the friendship that I started to become suspicious. This was before texting and email however she always found an excuse to be in class with him semester after semester.

      After I became suspicious I would ask my husband what was going on and why they were having secret conversations and why wasn’t he forthcoming with any information. I can tell you that she was definitely interested in him, he was not romantically interested in her but yet kept aspects of their friendship a secret from me.

      I was ignored, stonewalled, gaslighted, and basically made you feel this was all made up in my own head.

      It finally ended one day when I exploded with rage and refuse to speak to him for two days. He finally got the message he could no longer have any contact with her. As a sidenote a few weeks before this, she called me to ask me if it would be OK for my husband to go with her to a wedding since she didn’t have a date or boyfriend at the time. (obviously that would be a NO!).

      In any event my husband never acknowledged anything that went on or that there was anything wrong with it.

      I guess my only advice to you is it is hard to reason with stupid. I don’t know what goes through their minds when their behavior is clearly unacceptable and pushing the limit. I know sometimes you just want to reach out and smack them and knock some sense into their heads.

      Too many people assume that if there is no sex it’s not an affair. Obviously we all know that’s just not true.

      I don’t know if I even have any advice to give you on how to get your husband to wake up and see what he’s doing and admit is wrong. Obviously he wants to make you out to be a crazy jealous spouse when in reality he clearly is disrespecting you by his actions.

      I know with my husband’s last affair which was three years ago that my finally standing up to him and telling him to leave was the turning point for us.

      I have told my husband that if I knew that sweeping his emotional affair under the carpet all those years would have led to him having another affair, I would have divorced him after the first emotional affair. Because I did not set boundaries or limits, he felt he could do it again and get away with it.

      You may have to take very drastic action with your husband to get him to even look at this situation from your perspective.

      If I were you I would take that phone away from him and as a typical cheater who is in an addictive emotional affair, The reaction will be like taking the drug from the drug addict. If you choose to do that be prepared for a reaction similar to a child’s temper tantrum.

      I just wish the cheater had some insight into how their actions can destroy their spouse their family and their loved ones.

      I wish you the best but forcing a cheater to acknowledge what they are doing is wrong is one of the hardest battles imaginable in a marriage. The cheater justifies their actions and their behavior is very self-centered. Unfortunately they use whatever excuse to get what they want.

    • TheFirstWife January 22, 2017 at 4:57 pm #

      Theresa. I think your H is still having an EA.

      I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It must be maddening for you to live like that.

      Maybe in a calm moment you can sit and talk with your H. Tell him that his continuing denial and continuing sleeping with his phone and all the other actions you see are undermining your marriage

      Let him know that if this continues without his admission of the EA and/or any change in his choices or behavior – then the marriage is going to fail.

      That one day you will no longer be patient or tolerant and the years of this behavior will have taken its toll. And it will.

      So sorry for you. It hurts like hell. I know.

      But if your H is willing you can get past this. We did!

      • Hopeful January 26, 2017 at 2:53 pm #

        For us the phone was an issue even when I knew nothing was going on. One of the rules was I had every password and access whenever I wanted or I can pick up his phone at any time. And what I did is I showed him how many texts he was sending vs me and it was eye opening. We put in place boundaries related to his phone. It was all his friends or family but it was too much. Unless he is on call his phone is charging and not in the bedroom and if I ask him to put it away no argument.

        This reminds me of dealing with a teenager but now more than ever with technology taking over our lives it is an issue. I want to model acceptable behavior to our kids and I expect him to also. It has been a work in progress. If he is combative regarding his phone use I would be suspicious something is going on and he is not being transparent. Just think how a teen acts.

        And the idea of an ea not being a big deal is crazy. It violates the same things a pa does and I think could be more damaging emotionally. No contact is a must.

  14. Rachel January 22, 2017 at 7:56 am #

    Why do these women pursue married men?? Granted they are not happy but geez leave the married ones alone!!

    • Hopeful January 26, 2017 at 2:57 pm #

      They just have to be so different than me and I will never understand them. I mean it makes zero sense to me. I just could never ever consider it. In my case both ow pursued my husband hard. One for 3-4 years was relentless. She was patient enough to find out where he would be through others. She waited 3-4 years to get his cell number! I mean wow. He must have been at such a low. It is crazy he was so successful and doing great. It is sad and pathetic for him and them. Now I hear about it more and more men and women justifying and pursuing married people. I will never get that. I am still skeptical of others now. Or at least more cautious.

  15. Rachel January 23, 2017 at 6:06 am #

    Here’s a Monday chuckle. The ex emailed me and wanted to know what the dr said about how bad the appendix was?? ITS APPENDICITIS YOU MORON!!!!!!!🙄 DELETE!!
    One more paper to fill out for social security and I will proceed to change my name and thankfully my email address. Oh happy day!!!
    Thanks for letting me vent!
    Have a good day all!😉

    • TheFirstWife January 23, 2017 at 9:11 am #

      Rachel. If you have never responded to an email – gee how long will the ex take to get the message that you are not interested??

      i guess maybe he needs it spelled out for him. How annoying – I know you cannot wait for it to be over and a new email address for you.

      Hope your son is feeling better😃

    • Sarah P. January 25, 2017 at 12:30 am #

      Thanks for the Monday chuckle, Rachel.

      I just don’t know what to say except I am shocked that your ex husband is so dense. Does he not see anything from your perspective?

      Also, where did the OW go after he was divorced? Was she no longer interested since he was available? There was a research study that showed 90% of the women in the study were attracted to a man merely because he was married. Talk about an upside down society. When I was single, I was one of the 10% who were NOT attracted to married men or even men with gf’s. Sheesh. I do not understand the 90% who like married men or why they feel that way.

  16. theresa January 25, 2017 at 12:20 am #

    Rachel,
    Let us know when we can virtually celebrate
    YOUR INDEPENDANCE DAY!!!!!!

  17. TheFirstWife January 25, 2017 at 10:30 am #

    Here is my theory on why people choose to go after people who are married or otherwise unavailable.

    The thrill of the chase. The appeal of you want what you can’t have. The conquest.

    Because it is all about selfishness and “me”. What “I” want &/or need. As in “we are soul mates and fell deeply in love – well I knew he/she was married but we couldn’t help it”.

    I get offended when married men or any man makes an inappropriate comment to me. I lose all respect for that person. They may think it’s funny but I find it unattractive and disrespectful to the spouse.

    In no way does this apply to people who date and don’t know the other person is married. Most of them would not intentionally date a married person they are duped into it. That is fraud in my opinion.

  18. theresa January 25, 2017 at 5:30 pm #

    There’s a phrae I’ve been hearing alot recently, tv commercials, horrific news stories, lame, selfish excuses for almost anything.
    Why? “Because I can”.
    Just makes me sad.

  19. theresa January 25, 2017 at 5:43 pm #

    Have you had an “out of the blue” thouht that pops up just before a relevant issue surfaces?
    My OOB yesterday was (and it’s an old an tired excuse)
    “I never thought I’d get caught).”
    And of course, that led lnto the thought,
    “What would you do, if you knew that you would never get caught”!

    So many opportunities, so little time.
    And I bet this list is very fluid over time.

    • TheFirstWife January 26, 2017 at 4:23 am #

      There was a study or research done and the question was “would you cheat on your spouse if you knew you wouldn’t get caught”.

      Staggering number said yes they would.

      No morals or respect anymore.

      How sad.

  20. Puzzled January 26, 2017 at 1:31 pm #

    @TheFirstWife & theresa: this is interesting. I asked my wife “would you have stopped if I hadn’t caught you”? She said, “I really don’t know”. I think, with an EA, it starts small and light. But then things begin to develop and progress. Then it starts controlling their emotions (thus the term emotional affair) and it starts controlling who they are at home. They text/talk/email with the other person and then they have to come home and be “themselves” again. They get so wrapped up in the other life that it becomes their reality. They like this other-world and like how they can be whoever they have created. I’m glad the EA is over but part of me will always wonder those nagging questions of why and would it have ended on its own or progressed into a physical affair as well. Hopefully time will heal but these do torment me.

    • TheFirstWife January 26, 2017 at 4:01 pm #

      Puzzled. Those are very good questions and observations.

      I think that you are right when you say that it starts off innocently enough. My H’s 1st EA lasted 4 years. Only the last year was i confronting him about this supposed friendship b/c that is when I found out by accident that things were going on I had no idea. He was not in love with her but she was in love w/ him and he enjoyed the attention.

      And it was disrespectful of him to keep this going on when he knew how I felt.

      I don’t know about your wife’s affair but I think things can escalate quickly. However one of the two should have realized it was wrong and stopped the relationship.

      I Mean come on, we are adults. We know right from wrong.

      And in case you are wondering my H’s last EA led to him wanting a divorce. They both swear there was no sex but they did kiss but the feelings led him to believe he was madly in love with the OW. He wanted a divorce to be with her (though he didn’t admit it to me initially).

      He tried to claim they didn’t have sex so it wasn’t as bad as other cheaters. Well in my book you cheated. You lied. Sex or no sex that is not the issue.

      His first EA he would never admit he did anything wrong because it was not sexual.

      Live and learn. Your spouse may never have acted on her chances for a physical affair. You just will never know for sure. But I believe my intuitions and gut however.

  21. Broken January 27, 2017 at 4:32 am #

    7 months ago I discovered my husband whom I’ve been with for 14 years (no children yet) was having an emotional affair with one of his employees. They continued their affair despite me knowing, he bought a second phone, and they continued on at work. He has since left his job, blames me for it and has rewritten our entire marriage as an unhappy one. We still live together and are generally kind/friendly with each other after months of arguments and tears but when I bring up our future he becomes very quiet and distant and still says he’s not happy with me wants a divorce etc. The ow is also married and she has 4 small children with her husband. The day after thanksgiving I decided to tell her husband about their affair when I couldn’t take the flirty and secretive texting anymore. Ever since then my husband hasn’t contacted her but she is still continuing to text my husband even tho according to her husband she told him she would stop and work on their marriage. I’m afraid my husband will give in to her and buy another secret phone to contact her and I have no way of stopping it. This whole situation has taken a huge toll on me physically and emotionally. There have been days when getting out of bed didn’t seem worth it. I had to take time off of work because I couldn’t stand to be asked how I was doing from patients without bursting into tears and I was making mistake after mistake. There is so much more to this situation, I could write a novel with all the details but I won’t do that here. Thank you for listening.

    • TheFirstWife January 27, 2017 at 8:04 am #

      Dear Broken. I am so sorry for you. We have all been in your shoes and understand your pain.

      Please google affair fog b/c that is where yiur H is right now. He is in a fog believing the OW (other woman) is the love of his life and she is so wonderful Blah blah blah.

      My H did the same thing – rewrote our marriage, blamed me for everything – HIS unhappiness, his dissatisfaction with his job, his angst about turning 50 – all my fault.

      I heard the line “love you but not in love with you” too many times. He wanted a divorce.

      And finally one day I said ok divorce me. But you are leaving and I am staying here with children and I get it. You don’t love me anymore. I was devastated b/c for 8 months I worked hard to turn it around.

      Guess what? Next day he came back begging and asking me to take him back. I said I would. Week later asks for a divorce again after a great week together.

      Then hours later begs me to take him back. This time I didn’t answer but found out he was still seeing OW.

      told him to get out. I now took control. And that was the turning point. When he saw I was out of patience and took control and was no longer going to out up with his nonsense, BOOM! Affair over. Never spoke to OW again.

      Begged for a 2nd chance. Has spent last 3 years making up for it. It hasn’t bern easy BUT he finally saw the light that I was no longer invested in our marriage.

      I finally was ready to throw in the towel and we were at the 25 year anniversary point.

      My suggestion is counseling. It saved my sanity. It got me out of bed to deal with teenagers in the summer with no school to distract them or me. I nominate myself for the Academy Award performance for best sctress in a drama whose kids have no idea the wotld is falling around her.

      If your H won’t go – go alone. My H refused to go so I went. It can help you figure things out and face the future and make choices and decisions that work for you.

      In a calm rational moment – tell your H you cannot accept this behavior from him. I confronted my H early on in his affair – her or me!! Pick one b/c I am not playing this game. He initially chose me BUT it was clear inside of a week he wanted her. You do not have to divorce or leave him – but you can set boundaries and start extricating yourself from this mess. I went out to dinner with my friends more and stopped including him in my plans. I uninvited him to a charity event I was organizing – he Made Sure to show up and be a part of the night. Very helpful and loving. I started developing my own social activities without him – and he noticed he was not included. Not mean – not nasty – just did things for me. He was no longer being put first. I stopped doing his laundry and errands and bending over backwards for someone who didn’t appreciate it (or me at that time).

      Believe it or not we are 3 years past DDay2 AND still together and happy. Better marriage in many respects and things have changed for the better.

      But it wasn’t until HE decided to end affair that anything changed. The affair ran its course. I also think my kicking him to the curb was a catalyst for his complete turn around in making our marriage a priority.

      I did all the work for 8 months with no effect or impact. Nothing changed. He sat back and enjoyed the attention of two women who wanted him.

      When I was done and ready to move on, boy did his head spin. Nothing like a good kick in the butt. I love my H and always will but I was no longer able to accept his crappy treatment of me.

      Now I come first – not mean but I make sure my needs and goals are met.

      And I still do not do his laundry and he doesn’t complain at all. He knows he is lucky I chose to stay married to him.

  22. Hurt January 28, 2017 at 4:41 am #

    I seemed to have turned a corner the past few day (don’t know if it will last!)
    I have been bombarding H with texts and phone calls asking questions about the affair and realised that yes it was hurting him but it was hurting me more as I was obsessed and it was consuming me and it was not helping. We spoke about it and have now put a time and day when I can ask questions. If thoughths come into my head I just write them down and move on.
    My H realised how much he messed up as he asked “are we not husband and wife and working on our marriage” I told him “NO he killed that marriage the minute he started texting someone else, at the minute I can only offer him friends with benefits!”. He was really hurt about this but since then has put a lot more effort in.
    I told him that we have got our relationship back in the bedroom as I feel that’s the only part that he did not include her in as he was never physically involved with her. He seemed to think because we were intimately involved again that we were getting better but after I explained that wasn’t the case (calmly without shouting) he got it.
    He has said that he wants me back in every way and is willing to do what it takes. He has started planning dates for us, being involved with the children a lot more and doing a lot more round the house. He is sending me texts telling me how much he loves me and what I mean to him.
    Which is really nice to hear and see.
    I know it’s still going to be a long bumpy ride but at least I can see a positive and something to hope for with a clearer head!

    • TheFirstWife January 28, 2017 at 7:59 am #

      Congrats. Glad things are looking up.

      Keep thinking positive thoughts and hopefully one day the affair will be a distant memory.

      Glad to see your H is stepping up.

  23. Puzzled January 30, 2017 at 11:42 am #

    Just curious for anyone willing to answer:

    Did your spouse share the name of their affair partner? I hate to think this is such a sticking point for me but it is. Things between my wife and me are so much better but part of me still feels jaded by the fact she is choosing secrecy of the man’s name. It’s almost like she’s choosing to protect him and her affair over honesty/transparency with me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.
    I appreciate any thoughts or perspective on this.

    • Doug January 30, 2017 at 1:10 pm #

      Hey Puzzled, In my opinion, if she isn’t willing to provide a name, then she is protecting him. She must think that you’re going to contact him or his wife or something like that.

    • TheFirstWife January 31, 2017 at 5:46 am #

      Puzzled. I agree with Doug. Hard to get past the affair if she won’t say who it was.

      I had no idea my H was still involved in his affair until I called the OW and she told me. Her number was on our wireless phone bill. She had to fill me in on the details of the last 6 months.

      • Tabs February 1, 2017 at 12:09 am #

        My CH told me right off the bat. But that was only because the OW was a Chinese citizen, living in Shanghai. The Chinese “choose” their English names. There’s no correlation between their chosen English name and given Chinese name. My CH had no problem supplying a name when there’s an entire language barrier for protection.

  24. Hurt January 30, 2017 at 11:56 am #

    I found out who the ow was but not by my husband giving into me. He told me some random name as he worked with the ow and did not want me making a scene at his work place!! I did a lot of snooping on my husbands phone down loaded messenger and sent the number a message she replied and bingo her name was attached to it!!!
    I needed to know who it was as I knew he was lying saying I didn’t know her! If I hadn’t of snooped he could of still been seeing her everyday at work. Instead I found out told him if he even wanted me to consider giving us a go he gets her transferred out. He did. I know this as i get him to print me off time sheets from work every week and can see she is at a different shop!

  25. Doug February 1, 2017 at 10:06 am #

    Last night Linda and I had our weekly Yoga class, and at the end of the session our instructor always provides a little time for quiet and meditation. This week he told the following parable, which I thought was pretty cool:

    An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

    “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
    “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

    “One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

    “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

    “This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
    “Which wolf will win?”

    The old chief simply replied,
    “The one you feed.”

    • Shifting Impressions February 1, 2017 at 2:19 pm #

      Doug
      Isn’t that the truth!!!!

  26. Bluejay February 1, 2017 at 10:00 pm #

    Can anyone share a perspective of if it’s a good idea to share triggers with the cheating spouse? The affair is 4 months old and the triggers pull me backwards every time I feel like I try to take a step forward. Should I share just how painful these triggers are?

    • Doug February 2, 2017 at 8:46 am #

      Without a doubt absolutely yes. The CS must know what your triggers are, how they effect you and what he/she can do to help you when you suffer a trigger. It also helps them to know so that they can learn from them and avoid/stop the behavior (or whatever) that causes the triggers.

      • Bluejay February 2, 2017 at 9:04 pm #

        Doug
        Thank you for the perspective. Very much appreciated! My dday was 6 months ago and I found very sexual explicit Facebook exchanges between the two of them. She said it had only gone on for one month. I took pictures of the Facebook messages as proof cuz I knew she would deny anything. If your a cheater you tend to be a liar as well I was right! But she had to come clean once I shared the pictures. My question is when do I get rid of the Facebook pictures or do I?

        • Doug February 3, 2017 at 12:49 pm #

          Hey Bluejay, Good idea to take pictures of the FB messages. In my opinion, if you don’t need them anymore to get her to admit her guilt, then I’d get rid of them asap. Otherwise they’d always be at your fingertips to remind you of their interactions, which I would think would cause painful triggers and emotions for you.

    • TheFirstWife February 2, 2017 at 9:11 am #

      Bluejay. I think you should share them b/c it can help avoid an unpleasant experience.

      For me it was his car. I told him I would never get in his car again knowing the OW was in it. It was gone and sold in a week by my H.

      Also music. My H loves certain music and I do not. It is not played in our house. Ever.

      Some of the past triggers I have learned to ignore and some do subside (if that is any help to you).

      Try and explain it in a calm rational manner. Give him an article to read in triggers. My H did that on his own post affair and it helped tremendously.

      • Bluejay February 2, 2017 at 9:13 pm #

        TheFirstWife
        Thank you for that perspective as well. We have a similar trigger in that she was doing Facebook with him in her car as well. All of their exchanges went right to sex and masturbation. In addition, she facebooked in our bedroom, family room and obviously in our house. It honestly is all a trigger for me even to the point that I put our house on the market post the affair because I hated everything about it. Another trigger was finding sexual exchanges between the two of them on my birthday. Any suggestions on how I handle that trigger every year that it comes up?

        • antiskank February 3, 2017 at 11:05 am #

          Bluejay,

          So sorry you have the additional trigger of having your birthday involved. It can really be difficult to enjoy that day again. The affair takes away the enjoyment and the special feeling associated with many events and dates throughout the year. I know that many of us have similar experiences.

          The OW involved in my situation shares my birthday with me! She was born on my 17th birthday! While pretending to take me out for my birthday, we would have to stop by his workplace under some lame pretense so he could see his skank and wish her a happy day while I waited in the car, usually up to an hour! If I was given a gift, it would be followed by a stupid statement such as “If you don’t like it, there’s a girl at the office that would take it”! Didn’t make sense to me at the time, but eventually I figured it out!

          Our first D Day when I found out about his affair was on his birthday as we were preparing to go out with family for dinner. I had taken the day off to spend with him to take him to his favourite places. He was exchanging texts with her throughout the day. And of course we had to stop at work first so he could see her.

          There were similar issues surrounding Valentines Day, Christmas, and our anniversary. It became to difficult to keep track. If he wasn’t texting her or going to see her, he was locked away and masturbating as he fantasized avout her. I assume that he wanted to share the special days with her and would do whatever was necessary to have some contact. As far as it being a “special” day for me or for our relationship, I don’t think he even thought about me. As usual, he would do the bare minimum to get by and avoid suspicion.

          As painful as it is, I think we need to take back what is ours as far as special moments and memories. I choose to enjoy these days with my family. He’s more than welcome to participate but if he’s not on board, that is his problem, not mine. Try to make a point of avoiding negative thoughts or triggers and put all your efforts into making it a special, memorable day. (easier said than done, I know) Decide what you want to do for your birthday and make her aware of your plans. Make it a special day together. Build some new fantastic memories to squash the bad ones.

        • TheFirstWife February 5, 2017 at 5:22 pm #

          I agree with AS. Don’t give the OW/OM the power.

          My H destroyed our 25th anniversary by being involved in the affair and still planning a very romantic evening for us.

          Now I really don’t feel like celebrating but I have to tell myself it was in the past and the reality now is so different.

          it does take time to get there and it is not easy!! But if you put some of it behind you it becomes less significant over time.

          I used to have Daily triggers but now it is far less. And when they occur they no longer send me to my bed for s day or hours.

          Keep positive thoughts though I do like reading about some revenge acts some people take. My H is lucky I would not behave like that but I do get a laugh. 😀

        • TheFirstWife February 5, 2017 at 5:23 pm #

          My H got rid if his car b/c she was in it. When I found out I told him I would never get in that car again.

          It was sold in 2 weeks.

  27. Hurt February 2, 2017 at 11:51 am #

    Having a really crap day today. Spent most of the day crying. I feel like such a mug that I trusted my husband not to do this to me. I feel like a loser as I was not enough for my husband and I feel weak and pathetic for not kicking him out because I still love him! I’ve always been so strong when I’ve had to face shit but now I just feel like a sad pathetic woman that needs a man to survive!

    • TheFirstWife February 2, 2017 at 12:55 pm #

      Hurt. We all here know and understand your pain.

      While you don’t state the issues I will guess that you either you found out your H has/is cheating OR that he has continued chrating when you thought the affair or contact was over.

      please know you were good enough for your H but HE CHOSE OTHERWISE.

      You are not to blame for his choices. He is.

      It is never too late to reverse your course and separate/divorce. Or you can choose to stay married despite his cheating and accept it as his character flaw.

      My therapist told me you can define your marriage. You can choose to stay married to an alcoholic or drug addict or chrater or gambler – you can accept the behavior and adapt. I am not saying you are ok with it BUT you can accept it will occur. If you can live with it you can still have a good marriage.

      Most here have had to accept their spouse as a liar and cheater. That can be hard. But not impossible.

      Just saying you don’t have to divorce him. You can work it out if possible. Unless it is something you really cannot tolerate or live with. always your choice.

    • Shifting Impressions February 2, 2017 at 1:38 pm #

      Hurt
      It hasn’t been very long since you found out right? TFW is right we all understand your pain. The roller coaster ride of emotions that one experiences is unbelievable!!! Trust was shattered along with your heart.

      The process of healing is long, slow and arduous!

      Here is a list of what helped me:

      Coming to this site for knowledge and support
      Reading and educating myself on infidelity
      Personal counseling
      Confiding in a few close friends…..their support meant everything
      Writing down my feelings
      Allowing myself to grieve

      It has been a little over three years and we are still together….and yes my marriage and family were worth fighting for.

      There were many bad bad days and many tears shed…..so one day at a time.

      Thinking of you. Don’t let his poor choices make you think less of yourself.

  28. Hurt February 2, 2017 at 1:59 pm #

    Found out about cheating 8 weeks ago. Been about 5 weeks since the lies stopped (as far as I know) and no contact since the day I found out. Have checked as he doesn’t have access to phone in phoning him while he’s at work he is taking photos when at meetings to prove where he is at all times.
    Don’t know what triggered today but just had a really low day and was questioning everything about myself!
    I know it’s his doing but in my head today was trying to find justification for him doing it and came up with the problem was me! Which I know it’s not but sometimes when I get the thoughts in my head they are hard to get back out again!

    • TheFirstWife February 2, 2017 at 4:00 pm #

      Hurt. I am so sorry for you.

      When my H’s affair first came out I believed it was my fault. He told me all that he disliked about me and why he felt the need to cheat

      Without my ow counselor / therapist I would have believed it. But fortunately I was a bit too smart to get sucked in to his black hole of lies and drama.

      Please consider counseling for you!!! if your H won’t go for couples counseling that is his choice. But you should go alone then just for you.

      It can turn your life around!

      • TheFirstWife February 2, 2017 at 4:01 pm #

        Should be own counselor

        • Hurt February 2, 2017 at 6:18 pm #

          Had first assessment with counsellor last week to assess what would help me. Told her the situation and waiting for her to get back to me
          Husband is more than happy to go to couples therapy but at the minute I want to concentrate on trying to get my head in a better place as I need to do it for me. Then further down the line when I can think a bit clearer we are going to look into bringing him into my sessions.

          • TheFirstWife February 2, 2017 at 11:32 pm #

            That sounds like a great idea. I wish you all the best.

            Please remember you have options at every turn. And glad to hear your H is willing to go to counseling.

  29. Tabs February 2, 2017 at 2:28 pm #

    I shared my triggers with my CH. I figured my CH should at least hear about the pain he caused me and how many it affected my every day life. It was met with a lot of avoidance behaviors, but I reminded him he was ultimately to blame.

  30. WhoAreYou February 2, 2017 at 7:09 pm #

    My story is 2-sided. We’ve been together for 8 years. During the first year, I had an EA which I confessed to him. I’d decided to end it as to not lose my husband. Nevertheless he was so hurt that I think it was literally the Grace of God that he worked it out with me. I had a lot of self destructive beliefs and behaviors and between us we worked through them to a much better mental health than I’ve ever had before. I went back to college and achieved a couple degrees all with his encouragement and support. I thought we were perfect. Until recently I thought this when I discovered an EA he was having and hoping to take it further. Then I asked to see his phone and found what I’ll call several fishing expeditions- chatting up women hoping to do whatever it all led to. No evidence of a full fledged affair and adamant denials of such. This was just a couple weeks ago and we’re working through it. Read The Monogamy Myth which was helpful for perspective. I really want us to stay together with love and trust. I hope we will be alright. Lots and lots of talking. He felt lonely, neglected by me and flattered by others who gave attention. He and I are spending much more time working on our relationship. Deleted all social media contacts of the opposite sex. Not sure what is next though.

    • TheFirstWife February 7, 2017 at 4:37 am #

      I like your name WhoAreYou

      It describes how you feel about the other person in your life who had Cheated.

      Hope it works out for you both. Stay positive.

  31. Hurt February 4, 2017 at 5:02 am #

    I think what my husband did has finally hit him. When we have spoke about it before there was tears on both parts and a lot of apologises.
    But the last couple of days he seems to of had a breakdown. He is having panic attacks. And even when we are not taking about the affair he is crying and apologising for everything he has done!
    My problem is it’s horrible to see him going through it but I can’t comfort him like I would of before and I’m also being very cynical thinking is this just an act!

    • TheFirstWife February 4, 2017 at 9:46 pm #

      Dear Hurt. I am so sorry for you and understand every raw emotion you have right now.

      I went through the same situation and I think the anger and betrayal and hurt take over your caring compassionate side.

      You are hurt and hurting and there is no one to comfort you b/c your H cannot right now.

      We all get it. But now it is up to your H to show what he is capable of doing to repair this marriage. He needs to step up (even in small ways right now).

      And maybe you can just reassure him you still love him. Maybe he just needs to hear that from you.

      I wish you the best.

  32. Bluejay February 6, 2017 at 10:27 pm #

    Thanks to all of you for providing me insights and suggestions to my questions. You have been very helpful during a very ugly part of my life! Of course I have another question,

    My wife had the usual online emotional affair that started out as friends with an old high school friend, they stayed connected via Facebook for two years before it crossed the line. When it crossed the line it went way crossed! Very sexual with stories being exchanged morning noon and night. She definitely got caught in the whirl wind of the affair as it consumed her life and effected our marriage during a tough spell.

    Pretty much everything was shared during her affair. Our life, our kids, works stuff, and all the sex emails that two people could want. This went on for what she claims as one month before the dday happened. My gut says this went on longer than a month but she denies this. Whatever, lucky me that I married a cheater and a liar. This affair happened like the textbook says, “starts out as friends, progresses to sexual Facebook, then my wife suggests meeting at a hotel. During this affair there was lots of “I love you, you complete me, things happen for a reason, future planning talk, etc….”. My gut tells me they would have gone through with the hotel had the dday not interrupt the affair. She denies she would have gone through it because she felt she was in control of the affair and enjoyed the control of it.

    I am one of those people that wants to know the details because I feel that then there is no more unknown and no further lying involved. When I ask her to tell me the details she claims that she has forgotten most everything except what I happen to take pictures of during one of their sexual conversations that went on for multiple days. My question is, is this possible that she actually forgot what went on or what was said during the affair or is she just afraid to come clean and is choosing lying again. My counselor said that with emotional affairs the cheating spouse is emotionally connected and usually remembers a lot of the affair because it was so important at the time and that she is more than likely just lying again? Any other thoughts?

    How long before I can start to fully trust her again or will I ever be able to do so again?

    • TheFirstWife February 7, 2017 at 2:54 am #

      BlueJay. So sorry for you. Learning of a spouse’s affsir is like having a nightmare you just can’t wake up from.

      It up-ends your world.

      Glad to see you are in counseling. That can help save your sanity. And give you answers when the cheating spouse is not forthcoming.

      My H had an EA in the 90s before there was a name for it. 4 years. His last affair 3 years ago was definitely mid life crisis and he asked for a divorce 2x in one week. They had plans to e together. However he ended the afffair 2 days before I found out.

      He lied for a long time about details even though I begged him to be honest. I was devaststed b/c I thought he was answering my questions honestly and truthfully. Until the OW sent me the emails. He made it out to be she pursued him when it was the complete opposite. I had written proof and he still denied it. I saw emails where he wrote he loved her – he denied that to me. I saw emails that he planned to divorce me and he denied that too!

      My point is the cheating spouse lies for a number of reasons. I think some is fear – if the CS told the truth they think you will leave them.

      Another reason they lie is shame and guilt. I Think they do remember facts and details but are embarrassed to admit it.

      Honestly I was so fed up and disappointed in my H due to the continued lying after I found out about his affair I was ready to leave him. It was like dealing with a child at times. Maddening. Frustrating.

      I tried calmly explaining why I needed some details from him. It worked only about a year later but by then I had all the answers b/c I saw the emails.

      Soooo my point is you can ask all the questions – but you probably have 90% of the answers already.

      As a woman my opinion (and this is my opinion based on observations) is that men & women cheat for different reasons. Women are more emotional than men as a general rule.

      My point is your wife had an emotional connection and she remembers the details. She is lying to herself (and you) if she states otherwise.

      My H gave me a lot of I don’t know answers. This went on for a year until I quit asking questions. Why? I was only hurting myself trying to get blood from a stone. He was not going to be honest about some things for whatever reason and it was only hurting me.

      Time to move on. Too many I don’t know answers and I used to call him on it. Completely frustrating.

      The CS just doesn’t understand the importance of truth.

      I hope you can see your way past this and get on a better path. There is a typical pattern of behavior on the cheater’s part after the affair and this is one of them.

      Trickle truth / you will get bits and pieces over time.

      My H went through an obvious mourning period after the affair ended. He was still in love with the OW. That is the affair fog stage. That could be happening now as well. Be prepared.

      • Bluejay February 14, 2017 at 9:28 pm #

        The FirstWife
        Thank you so much for your insight. This site has been a god send as it has helped affirm many much of what I have read about the cheating spouse.

        I realize that my life will never be the same for a decision I had zero involvement in but will I ever be able to completely trust her ever again or will there always be that doubt or suspicion?

        I feel like I have a wall around me that I never had before around my wife and I am sure it is a natural defense to protect myself. I understand why it is there but I absolutely hate this feeling especially when its around the person who I gave everything to and did everything for. She was always my best friend and partner in life no matter how tough times were. Obviously she did not have that same feeling.

        I shared many of my triggers with her the other day and I was very surprised to how little of an impact it had on her. I honestly did not know what to expect but it felt like it should have been more than what she did. I hate how this has consumed my life my thoughts and my feelings 24*7. It is such a waste of my life and time that I feel at this point that it might be best to cut rope and move on with my new life.

        Lots of thoughts swirling in my head but trying to let time heal some of my wounds and gashes!

        • Shifting Impressions February 14, 2017 at 9:49 pm #

          Blue jay
          It has only been six months right? It’s been over three years for me but I remember how it was at first. It took a long time for my husband to get what he did to me. It consumed my life as well and some days everything seemed more about him than it did about my pain. In other words he had is head up his ass for a long time…..but slowly slowly he started to understand and show true remorse.

          The dribbling of the truth….a second d-day….yup had to go through that too.

          My best advice is to take care of you……and educate yourself. Surround yourself with a few supportive friends and get some counseling.

          And yes come here…..it has been and still is a life-line for me as well.

          You don’t have to know whether you will stay or go right now……..it’s okay to not know. Give yourself time.

          • Bluejay February 15, 2017 at 1:44 pm #

            Shifting Impressions
            Thank you so much for the feedback and suggestions. It’s greatly appreciated.

            Yes it has been 6 months for my dday. She has not been good about remorse and full disclosure. We are planning to discuss this in more detail this Friday. I have given her pretty specific asks of what each might look like but we will see if she can handle the conversations. I am not holding my breathe. I believe she is ashamed, scared, and afraid I might leave if I know the whole story.

            One other question. The day of dday, my wife had to tell our kids what happened. Her language that she used was that she had improper on line conversation with another man. She did not use the EA word. Is this a big deal or not?

            Greatly appreciate any thoughts!

            • Shifting Impressions February 15, 2017 at 4:57 pm #

              Blue jay
              It’s all so difficult isn’t it.

              In the beginning, after d-day we set aside an hour a week to talk about the EA….he avoided it if possible….I felt like I had to fight for that hour. Putting a time limit on the discussion was very helpful. Unfortunately my husband was not willing to go for counseling individual or couples. I found that very hurtful….so I went myself.

              I kept notes for myself of some of those conversations and was often hurt and disappointed. But slowly slowly we made headway. Regarding remorse….he said the words and I know he was sorry for the pain he caused me…but it took a long time for that remorse to become genuine. So much became about his own shame and pain. It seems to be so classic how the truth gets dribbled out in tiny bits. So hurtful but the more you read here, the more you realize how common that is.

              About the children, a lot depends on how old they are. At the time of my husband’s EA my children were adults. There are some good posts on that subject.

              For me, one of my daughters came to the house the day I accidentally discovered emails revealing the EA. I avoided her by going to be with a headache but a few days later she just knew something was very wrong. She is in the mental health field so has been a rock for me. My oldest son also just knew something was very off…..so a year later we talked. He said he could here it in my voice. So yes in my case I thought it was better that the kids knew what was going on. But they were adults and have been supportive of both of us.

              My husband is really a wonderful person and an amazing father…..in some ways that has made the pain worse but it has also been a great motivator in fighting for my marriage.

              • Bluejay February 15, 2017 at 8:51 pm #

                Shifting Impressions
                Thanks again!!

                We have four girls between us. Ranging in age of 27-25-23-21. All very mature but I feel my cheating spouse soft petalled the discussion with them and only called it ” an inappropriate conversation” rather than calling it what it was. A full blown emotional affair.

                I feel i have to burden the entire tornado and hurricane of emotions, feelings, pain, torment, tears, etc. while she sits on the sidelines watching me go through this.

                I do not want to hurt my girls at all but I feel as if they should know the truth and might have a better understanding of what I’m going through.

                After three years do you fully trust your spouse? Can you ever really fully give yourself to them again?

              • Bluejay February 15, 2017 at 9:08 pm #

                Shifting Impression
                Thank you again!!!

                I have zero interest in ever hurting our four daughters but I feel as if my cheating spouse soft petalled what she actually did by calling it “inappropriate conversations” instead of telling them she had an emotional affair. Our daughters are 27-25-23-21 and very mature.

                I feel as if I am the one that has to burden all of the pain, emotion, hurt, tears, etc while she sits on the sidelines feeling she got away with something. Especially since she has not come clean and claims to have forgotten much of the affair. I say BS!

                After 3 years do you ever reall fully trust your spouse again? Can it ever feel the same? There are times that I have a hard time looking at her not thinking about how disgusted I am at what she did!

                • Shifting Impressions February 16, 2017 at 12:23 am #

                  Blue jay
                  My husband did exactly the same thing…..two of my four kids knew and he took it upon himself to speak to one of our sons that didn’t know. Of course he only told him “we were having problems”. So then I was put in the difficult position of talking to my son….which I did.

                  And yes, they have a way of “forgetting” which is total BS for sure.

                  My kids were about ten years ahead of yours in age at the time of d-day. They all said whatever we decided to do they would be there for both of us…….pretty amazing.

                  My oldest son said he was so angry “for” me….that really touched me. Then he actually went to his father and told him how angry he was for doing that to me. My son is the most non-abrasive and non-confrontive person you can ever meet and yet he went to bat for me…..that was amazing to me.

                  After three years, I still don’t fully trust….but slowly it is getting better. Don’t be to hard on yourself. I found this to the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life.

                  There is a huge grieving process that one goes through….It is a roller coaster ride of emotions.

                  I had a couple of really close friends that supported me in the most amazing way.

                  Also, this is a really good place to come and let out some of your frustrations. We all get it.

                  Hang in there.

    • TheFirstWife February 7, 2017 at 3:30 am #

      BlueJay

      I understand how you feel about your life being shared with a stranger.

      My H, who doesn’t communicate well with me, shared intimate details of our life with the OW. About our children, photos of our children etc. this girl was all over social media and dragged me through the mud after my H ended the affair.

      That violation was a huge wake up call for me. I no longer trust my H’s instincts and do not have confidence in his ability to make choices in some areas.

      I now have myself financially protected as a result of his affair. I had to protect me and children if he ever did this again.

      He has no claim or access to money in my name. I changed all of his life insurance policies so he cannot change the beneficiaries. I bought a new vehicle in my name that I paid for with my own $.

      He can walk out the door but I won’t be financially vulnerable ever again. A few years ago when he had one foot out the door I had no money to my name and I had no idea if he would give me any or pay the mortgage.

      Eye opening experience to say the least.

      You think you know someone until you finds out you really do not.

      My H was the kind of person that no one would ever suspect he would be a cheater.

  33. Tanya February 16, 2017 at 12:54 am #

    Does anyone else feel their husband wanted to get caught? Mine is a dreadful liar and it was so obvious he was up to something. So I hired a PI and caught him just as his EA was about to become physical. Even when he was caught he did stupid things like leaving the notes the woman left him in his jeans where I would easily find them.

    • TheFirstWife February 16, 2017 at 12:42 pm #

      Tanya. That is an interesting observation.

      Either he wanted to get caught or he’s just not that bright to not get caught.

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