It’s time to discuss what’s going on and share your struggles – and your successes.

 

By Linda & Doug

It’s been a few months since our last Open Mic.  So, let’s do it!

In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the Open Mic discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  

We appreciate it as it not only helps to share and get the input from others, but it also helps us with possible issues to address in future posts.  Thanks!

With that said, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • What are you struggling with?
  • Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.  And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

 

 

    15 replies to "Open ‘Mic” Discussion #43 – What’s On Your Mind?"

    • Anna

      I’m new to the group and not sure if I am posting to an old open mic or a new one. Here is my story. My husband and I have been married 29 years, I would describe our relationship as happy, healthy and best of friends. Our only issue has been when he drinks hard liquor. Off and on throughout the years, I have to remind him hard liquor is not his friend! Other than that we enjoy the same activities, love to travel, play golf and get along great. My husband owned an engineering practice, a resort facility which included a restaurant, boutique hotel and had other business interests. He is also a very generous man. The time came to transition from his practice and he wanted to spend more time at our vacation property playing golf. Then in 2005 our managers left the resort facility which left my husband and I to take care of the business. He was more involved than me. There was a time when I was suspect of a female bartender. She would flash her fake breast at the bar for tips, rather classless, not to mention pretty unattractive. My husband denied anything. A few months after working there, we received a great offer and sold the facility. This was early 2006.

      So, this November my husband confessed to having a two time physical encounter with this woman. Yes, 15 years later! He told me one night he was at the restaurant and they were closing up early. Everyone left expect the female bartender. He said they both had a couple of drinks and she unzipped his pants and gave him oral sex. The second time it happened, she showed up at the hotel on site and with drinks in her hands. He invited her in and he said she removed her clothes and the same thing happened. No foreplay, hugs, kisses, affection or sexual intercourse. My husband is ashamed, remorseful, can’t imagine why he would do what he did other than his ego got in the way. He has been willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. While he might be financially successful, he has insecurities and well aware of this issue. I always saw him as confident but, apparently he isn’t. We have been to therapy and our therapist has talked to us individually as well as together. She has given me her assessment and said he is truly remorseful, ashamed and regretful. That this was a meaningless two time off situation which involved alcohol, his ego and poor judgement and boundaries. She also said that the female bartender’s action were not that of someone wanting a relationship but, was looking for something more in the way of financial gain. Perhaps, she thought my husband would hire her to replace the manager that left, maybe she intended to later claim sexual harassment for a settlement or had her hand in the cookie jar and wanted to make sure she could continue filling the coffers. My husband also was told separately by the therapist and then the two of us together. Given the fact that my husband has always been a very honest man of integrity, what occurred is not of his character. He never gave any thought as to why a woman would do what she without something else in mind. Recently, my husband told me he had to be out of his mind to have done such a foolish thing. We are working through this but, none the less it has been painful. He has accepted full responsibility for his actions and said he will absolutely not blame alcohol for his unacceptable behavior.

      I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this. Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? What kind of woman does this??? Please help me out here.

      Thanks,

      Anna

      • Seenthelight

        Anna, Asking what is wrong with a woman like this is not your problem. Your concern should be with a spouse that does this with someone and goes for years pretending he’s been a faithful spouse when he wasn’t. My ex went for 24 years pretending he’d never had an affair when he finally told me. He acted like he was remorseful and wanted our marriage. You say your husband has integrity, I felt mine did too. Integrity is doing the right thing no matter what the circumstances. Neither of our spouses did this when they were cheating or in setting things right (as much as is possible after cheating) after they cheated. In my case, the lack of integrity colored everything in our life together. He had no intentions of being totally honest or working on himself, since it had been so long since he did it and hadn’t done it again he figured he’d proven himself. The lying and pretending to be a faithful husband was suppose to be a wash as far as he was concerned. For me that was not acceptable, anyone who could pretend to be someone they weren’t/aren’t, have no problem with lying all the time, I realized I didn’t even know him. After couples therapy and therapy alone with two different therapists I got the picture. He wanted to stay married and everything to still remain the same, but had no intention of doing any work. After a year and a half I saw no change and divorced him. I wasted a lot of years with him and thought it would be very hard to go it alone, but it was the right thing for me. Having a life that I’m sure Is honest and above board for the last 6-1/2 years has been a big relief for me.

    • Wendy S Bornstein

      My wayward spouse is passive aggressive and only responds to my needs when I am at the brink of taking action. He tries to control the narrative and claim victimization. Up to this point I have worked hard to stay connected as we are in process of selling our family home. This will change once we close in 2 weeks. The EmpowerME training has been very helpful and I would love a monthly refresher. I am reading The Passion Trap as mentioned on your post last week and it is quite helpful.

    • Eve

      Hi everyone…. I am a very heart-broken woman.
      I first found out about my husband’s infidelity about 16 months ago when the affair partner contacted me to inform me about the affair. This was a one-night affair but they had been communicating for a few months prior to this happening.
      As if this wasn’t bad enough, I later discovered another affair, this time, a long-term affair that had been going on for over 2 years with another woman. I discovered this when I went through my husband’s email (finally, after almost 9 years of marriage at the time). I am not the type who goes through her spouse’s email or phone, but after the first discovery, I decided to do that & this is what I found out. Hotel reservations, flight tickets & a few personal emails between them.
      I have decided to stick on with the marriage solely because of my 2 young children. My husband has been doing a whole lot to show his remorse & dedication to our marriage but I still sometimes feel like I’m foolish to want to remain in the marriage. I still harbour the fear that this might happen again future & the trust is gone.
      Please, I need advice.

      • Why is she crazy

        Eve – I have lived this. Just one affair though and I’m also not the jealous snooping wife but his behavior was off. Let me tell you it was a long road to recovery for us. I too chose to stick it out. It was hard and sometimes I questioned my decision but we are better than ever, better than before the affair. The trick is to love yourself. Realize the true gem you are. Do things for yourself that make YOU feel confident. The happiness you create will radiate and he can either jump on board or not. You can’t make him be faithful. You can only make yourself confident enough to say “your loss” if he takes advantage of your forgiveness or does something stupid.. I went through several months of therapy after the discovery and this was THE BEST advice I was given.

        • Eve

          Thanks a lot for your advice & kind words. It’s good to know I’m not crazy or something. I’ll follow your advice.
          Thank you

    • Missy

      I found out 13 months ago that my husband had an emotional affair with my next door neighbor for months before. During that time he was so abusive to me in every way. For the last few months he has really been working on us. He is genuinely sorry for what happened. Then lately he seems to have just snapped back into this guy I only knew during the affair. I just started trusting him a bit more but now he is lashing out at me when I bring up the affair. (This usually happens when ow next door comes out of her hole into her yard. I can’t get away from it so it triggers me and I ask questions.) I can’t understand why he has regressed. He says he hates her and I’m pretty certain she didn’t stick her claws into him again. Why is he like this again? And how can I trust him when he’s like that?

    • Jennet

      Hi I’m l6 months since DD and for the most part I’ve stopped asking questions now as I’m not that interested in the details as I got them from the beginning all that I wanted to know anyway I just felt you can have too much information going around in your head. It’s enough to know that the person that you totally trusted betrayed you in the worst way possible. After 51 years together it’s been the hardest thing to accept and forgive. Trust not there yet. My main issue is intimacy it’s very scarce and I usually have to initiate any love making this upsets me greatly, I feel as though that side of my life has finished and I’m not ready for that. He suffers from ED occasionally which he has done over the years mainly due to stresd/work but obviously not with the OW seemed to work OK then not really sure of the reasons now as he won’t talk about it, although I have persuaded him to see his doctor for a check up. So I suppose that’s a start. I think guilt and shame have a lot to do with it. He did say the other day that ‘he could never forgive himself for what he has done to me’ I feel he has true remorse for what he did. Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve turned into some sort of paranoid, suspicious nut job which I certainly wasn’t before.
      And as the OW was a so called fried I saw her from a distance the other day and I felt absolutely nothing so I think that is an achievement as before I would have been a shaking angry wreck. So maybe time does heal and things get better. I look back on our life together and it’s been good, happy so I’m not going to let this ruin the rest of my life that’s for sure..good luck to you all jennet

    • Why is she crazy

      Found out about affair almost 1 year ago. We are doing great. However the OW refuses to take “it’s over” for an answer. She has literally left things on his truck. Gone to his work. Left flowers for him on our curb and driven by our house. We had to get rid of all of our social media accounts because of her. Husband changed his phone number and emails. She is still pursuing him. Going as far as to record messages for him on her social media accounts hoping he’d check up on her (a friend of mine on Facebook is friends with her and gave me a heads up). She even went as far as to break into his air BNB account to see if he’s on any trips with me. She believes they are twin flames and meant to be together and she divorced her husband for him and expects him to divorce me. She even told her kids that he is their new stepdad and at one point used his last name. We are in stalking territory here but I can’t do anything about it according to the law in my state since it hasn’t crossed certain boundaries. But I will be honest I am scared. Any suggestions?!?

    • Kittypone

      Well….it’s been 4 years since DD for me, and even after all the therapy, couples counseling, mentoring, coaching and all that, I just plain stopped loving him. I don’t trust him anymore, any speck of respect for him disappeared into thin air, and I don’t even initiate intimacy anymore. Yesterday was our 32 wedding anniversary and I did not even remember it until he mentioned it around noon!!! He claims that I am only waiting for a big fight or something just to call the marriage off and I can’t quite deny it as a lie, either…..can someone tell me if I am an exception to the rule? I am the betrayed spouse and because I don’t believe ANYTHING he says, I set up a social media account so I could stalk the harlot he was involved with, to see if she hints at being together with him again (she doesn’t know this is really me) and here and there I see her posting things that hint at her not having forgotten him yet…..she is married with young kids and NEVER posts anything about her and husband, no pictures, no stories, no nothing…..everything is about her and her selfies….I don’t feel angry anymore, more like irritated, I just don’t want to be taken for a fool anymore which is why I follow this harlot since I can’t believe anything my husband says anymore…….I AM considering divorce and even started filling paperwork for it, I haven’t filed anything yet giving my h a chance to redeem himself (not that he’s doing an awesome job of it) so……any words of wisdom, anyone?

    • Jennet

      Hi kitty pone, I feel for you this is so hard but I think you have to a cept what’s happened and start thinking about what you want out of your relationship. Checking up. On her only hurts you no one else. You can’t control them only yourself.
      I never thought I’d ever get to a good place again and I have not everyday but most days it’s a roller-coaster ride like no other.
      Do things for yourself. I walked miles every day to clear my head and it works not only that you get fitter and slimmer and that makes you feel so much better about yourself. Educate yourself on infidelity I’ve read and listen to so much stuff and the best I’ve found is this site and also Andrew G. Marshall he is fantastic tells it like it is and helps make sense of everything.
      I think what kept me going was my family friends but mostly my love for my husband if 51 years you can’t let this heartbreak take away all those years of good, happy memories. She will never have them she might have had a small part of him for a short while but she hasn’t got him now.
      Whatever happens I will get through whatever life throws at me. And you will too look after yourself and be the best person you can. Take care jennet

    • Debi

      I would like to know if anyone has tried Ketamine treatments and if they helped. I did my second one with my psychiatrist yesterday. It is helping me with depression and anxiety but it seems to wear off after a couple days. My D-day was almost 6 years ago. I filed for divorce when it became obvious that he would never leave his emotional affair partner. Ended up not divorcing but have been on the roller coaster from hell. Healing attempts have not been consistent, he still defends things in a conversation that suddenly takes a turn and he tries to defend something he has previously admitted was very wrong and he had given a one word “sorry” apology. I don’t feel true repentance from him.
      So, because I can’t seem to be not codependent and because I still love him, I have been on multiple antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications for 6 years. I read about this method that has helped a lot of people that are otherwise difficult to treat and have severe, chronic depression/anxiety. Ketamine has been FDA approved for many years as a “pre-anesthetic drug. It has not been FDA approved to treat depression/anxiety but there are a lot of studies that are positive and and statistically significant numbers that this does help a lot people (at a much lower dose than anesthesia). After my first treatment, I felt like I had been happy for the first time in 5 years. My husband asks: “what are you happy about?” I paused to try to explain. Then, I realized I wasn’t really happy – I just wasn’t sad for the first time in 6 years! That is something to be happy about. Then, I realized what had slowly become my “normal” , I understood why my family is so concerned for me. The next day I was still “not sad or anxious”. Day three, my husband said he doesn’t need to explain why he’s working late. BAM! Sad again.
      My self care is so much better the day of/after my treatment. It is supposed to take 3-4 weeks to be more permanent. I want to ask if anyone has had the full 3-4 weeks of therapy and if they have long term relief from their depression and/or anxiety?

    • PS

      Thoughts on affairs in the time of covid19 stress?

    • Robyn

      It has been 9 months since my husband of 39 years contacted his mistress (she is still with her husband). She on the other hand has tried to contact my husband, as little as four months ago. I have struggled constantly with triggers, as the OW lives close by (small town) I thought I knew this woman before the affair began and butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, now I know what she is really like! She has even gone so far as to threaten me at different intervals and after the affair ceased. My husband has given up his mobile phone, I have consent to access his email and facebook, he also by his own choice does not go out anywhere! He no longer engages as he used to do with our Sons (who caught him in our bed with his Mistress the first night they slept together! – Horrific! – My husband had sent me away on a holiday!) nor with our grandchildren He is open to discussion to a point, will not discuss her and he has told her husband he will not disparage her! He feels that to tell all would only add to my hurt and he doesn’t want to do that. I have continually gone to counselling, my husband stopped some time ago and feels he is able to manage his ‘Mind Set’ issues himself, he believes that all the literature I read to better equip my self in dealing with my own issues regarding the affair only makes me vulnerable and sensitive to his affair and my capacity to trust him again! Recently it was our 39th Wedding Anniversary and I would like to share a letter my husband wrote to me and placed in our Anniversary Card – Even though I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and still do, and my husband does know I do want to continue being his life partner – one paragraph made me catch my breath! This has thrown doubt on what he says he really wants? My Husbands letter

      My spoken word doesn’t hold water. understandably……
      I don’t have an expectation that my written word is worth any more to you, but I will continue…..
      You never know how life will turn out. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine my life would turn out the way it has. This life, in the majority, the very best of living, has been given to me by You! Sadly, I have let you down and given you the worst of times.
      I know you love me. I know you care for me. I know you want me. I know you would do anything for me, all I need do is ask. Even after all this time I still try to resolve stuff in myself. I believe I can do that but at times I resolve it by turning the wrong way and not ‘Spilling the beans’ before doing the wrong thing. Fears, doubts, wants, needs along the way have to be defined along the way, but through being me, I have failed to do this and up to a point let things evolve to a degree y itself. Now, Talks, Guilt, Sorrow, things I have done that I cannot undo. What is said out aloud, feeds both our fears. Your fears of what I have done and I believe this will go on…. I start to think are yo better off without me? (For your well being) I believe we are about to start a new life together exciting challenges that we can share. I will try o keep talking to you about what ever issues worry, cause concern etc, but there will be no doubt times when I still ‘Clam Up’. When his happens, at the very least, I will still let you know the core reason for unsaid issues. I am going to be there for you because that is what I want. I am reluctant most of the time to use words or phrases that probably re-assure you as I’m not comfortable with the thoughts and concerns you have. I am with you. I am going where you go! No Where Else! Happy Anniversary, My Life, My Wife!

      Whilst I do acknowledge the positives, I do have fears and confusion at some parts of the letter. I would appreciate other perspectives, especially from Unfaithful Spouses!!!!

    • Phoenix2020

      Oh, Why is She Crazy, you have my heart!
      I’ve lived something close to your horror. Our OW also divorced her husband for her perceived Soulmate/Twin Flame. She licensed herself in our state (from 1000 miles away), sold her home, came to our pretty much backwater corner of the PLANET and is now a daily consideration in our lives. We have installed cameras to capture the drive by events. We’ve locked down social media (as much as we know how), and we’ve been preemptive with select contacts she might sabotage (our children and our priest). Still, she is crazy enough to have upended her life for my husband.
      We do have documentation of her delusion to take to authorities if we need to do so, an we have installed cameras to watch all points of entry to our home.
      It’s a terrible way to need to live life. I am praying that is only a season…for you and for me

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