We’re in the beautiful state of Colorado for a couple of weeks and decided that it would be a good idea to post an open discussion during our absence.  

In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the open discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  

Anyways, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • What are you struggling with?
  • Got any vacation plans this summer? What are they?  (We’re currently in Colorado)
  • Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.  And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

 

    83 replies to "Open ‘Mic’ #36 – What’s On Your Mind?"

    • Teresa

      Hi doug
      I would like to enquire in the case of male cheaters : what was it like after D-day as regards to sex with the betrayed spouse ? Was it back to normal ? Did any of the male cheaters face problems in getting sexually excited about your own spouse ? In my case, it has been 4 months, and I notice that my husband (the cheater) does not seem to be sexually excited when I am around. He initiates sex but I notice that he does not get an erection when he is near me, unlike before. We’ve been married 20 years and have 4 kids. His EA ended in early March (conducted mainly via Whatsapp) and he did not get involved in any sexual relations with the OW.

      • Kittypone

        Hi, Teresa;
        I was the betrayed spouse, and my husband, at first, before I knew what was going on, didn’t show any interest and I was so puzzled as to why, but my own libido was not at peak, so, I let it be; after a couple of months, I had surgery and my energy came back and he would “perform”, but I could tell that his heart wasn’t in it and I still couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong with my h, until DDay; which is when I figured WHY he wasn’t being interested, although, after DDay, he would still have sex with me no problem whatsoever, EXCEPT that I had a hunch that he was “doing me” because in his mind, he was replacing me with the harlot, (being that their affair was conducted on Facebook and WhatsApp and Messenger and they would have phone sex, but never met face to face.) He would always deny that he was replacing me in his mind until I taped him talking to the harlot and admitting to her EXACTLY the same thing he denied to me all along, that all he could ever see when he was with me, was HER face and how afraid he was that her name would slip out of his lips while having intercourse with ME……talk about a slap in the face…..THAT undid my self esteem more than anything else I’ve ever faced in my life and I still struggle with that whenever I remember that conversation….:(

        • Teresa

          Thank you kittypone 🙁
          I have a feeling he is still emotionally attached to her after 130 days.
          They didn’t have sex but they did share so many things in their messages for one month.
          I don’t know whether my husband will have any sexual feelings for me in the next 130 days.

        • RS

          I believe I understand this feeling of the “slap in the face”. My husband cheated on me for 9 ( at least) months with a married woman from his work HQ in DC. Trips there became more frequent I later discovered. When I heard him saying, “I can’t wait to see your beautiful face”, I truly felt an out of body experience. It’s been nearly four years since I heard those disgusting, devastating words that literally destroyed me. We haven’t had sex for over a year, and even then infrequent. He claims he’s “broken” and just feels inadequate. I caught him watching porn a year ago and he had the audacity to claim he was trying to fix us, do it for us! It made me physically sick to see that the young teen he was doing it with onscreen looked like she was in a fake bedroom. It sickened me to think he wouldn’t even believe she was not only underage, but someone’s daughter who was probably drugged!! Since then, he’s been less and less interested in even cuddling or hugging. From what I’ve researched, it’s an addition, porn. He clearly also did this to pictures of this OW he allegedly had only an emotional affair with. I’m not so sure it was the only way they pursued each other and rendezvoused or coordinated their travel work plans with. I once came face to face with her as she ended up on our flight one day. God put her right next to me as I say in first class with my cheater husband practically crawling under the seat. At least five minutes passed as I watched her break into a sweat, not make I contact, and bite her cheeks to avoid looking at me. As I studied her, it was so obvious they’d had done kind of sexual relations, though he denied it. I didn’t want to say anything for fear of being thrown off the plane! But I had so, so many questions. I remained very calm and just studied her. I think I actually came through loud and clear to her from the look on her face and increased breathing she did. Point is, I don’t believe my husband will ever have sex with me again. We’ve been married just 37 years this month. We have too much to divide and have come to a compromise. Well, he’s come to this understanding: as long as I don’t go down that road, he’s fine. I’m sorry to dash any hopes, but most men are lying when they tell you answers. Don’t fall for their truth. You’ll never know the real story unless you hire a PI. I’ve seriously considered it just for my peace of mind or rather satisfaction knowing I’m not the crazy, paranoid one and I was right.

          • Nearly Normal

            RS,

            sorry to hear about your husband’s despicable behavior. Too often it is hard to drag the truth out of the cheating spouse. Little by little, the truth trickles out, or doesn’t even do that.

            ALTHOUGH i would have paid good money to watch you give the stink eye to his affair partner on the plane!

            Hope it gets better for you. Perhaps that means he comes to his senses, or perhaps you show him the door. Either way, i hope you get resolution and peace

    • Puzzled

      An interesting situation: my wife (who had the affair) has two best friends. We’ve recently found out that one of her friend’s husband had an affair. The betrayed wife is an emotional wreck and devastated. She has turned to my wife (ironically) because of our “rock solid” marriage. Neither of her friends know what she did to our marriage. My wife has had an incredibly difficult time handling this as well as finally seeing someone destroyed by an affair like I was. While she was in her fog and then the aftermath of her trying to bury it, I don’t think she ever really “looked” at me with the understanding of the pain and destruction I was experiencing. This has been an eye opener and quite the revelation to how badly I was hurting. I’m truly saddened by what has happened in our friends’ marriage. However, I’m hopeful we can be a model of perseverance and knowledge to get through this betrayal.

      • Tryingtogetover

        It’s unfortunate that happened but good that it showed her some important reality. I feel like my cheating spouse compartmentalizes other people’s affairs and labels them “not the same” as what he did to us. Friends who have been cheated on and devastated he kind of writes off being better off in the end, like “yeah she cheated on him but she has stayed married to that new guy so…” No one wishes heartache on their friends but it is good that your wife is seeing it up close.

      • Rebecca

        discovering a friend has also been put in this affair arena does bring up many new and enlightening emotions… I am the BW and had struggled for many months hiding my trauma
        Trying to maintain while in the company of our best friends…. we had formed a great friendship over a common interest of restoring and showing our 1967 Volkswagen Beetle and had only known them for 2 years by the time I discovered the infidelity my husband had been hiding our entire
        37 yr marriage…. whenever the 4 of us got together I had felt not part of the group… thinking “ if you only knew what deep sadness I am going through and why” … I was re-traumatized with an entire new DDAY and at that point knew I could not hide
        This devastation anymore.. I told my husband to tell the husband of the couple and we actually both sat down and told him what we were going through…. he was VERY quiet as we unfolded our situation and then said “ I know how hard all of this is because we have recently been through this too.” My husband and I were stunned… but of course it added another layer to what we were going through and another perspective… I am so sad to say it definitely changed the dynamic of this friendship… we still get together but not near as much… everything is strained now…. I’m not saying I regret telling him and finding out about their situation because I would not have done well keeping our secret…. Maybe with time our friendship can get strong again.. I hope so….

    • Distraught

      My wife works in a small office as a travel agent. I used to stop by frequently on my way home from work for “happy hour” with her and the other ladies in the office. We’ve been married 24 years with two teens. Last summer she had a Snapchat affair with one of her clients for 5 months that culminated in a one-time hookup with OP at her office while she happened to be alone. D-Day followed in the days after the hookup. I haven’t been to her office since and told her I never would again. Can you say trigger? Since D-Day she has cut all communication with OP, has been very remorseful, transparent and willing to help me in any way. Until now. The business is holding a social function at her office and wants me to attend, even though she knows how I feel. She’s getting asked by the ladies in the office why I never stop by anymore, and are apparently expecting me to be at the function (they know she had an affair but don’t know what happened at her office). She’s now telling she’s worried we will become stuck and won’t move forward if I maintain my avoidance of her office and one other major trigger I haven’t discussed. I’m feeling trapped. I really have no desire to ever be at her office again. I’m contemplating telling her I won’t be coming to her office, ever, and if she feels that will keep us from moving forward, then maybe it’s time to move on. My therapist is supportive of my feelings on the matter. I guess I’d like another opinion (s) before I proceed.

      • Tryingtogetover

        She wants you to show up and act happy in the place she had her hookup? No no no no no no no. She killed that office for you and asking you to put on your party face there is way too much. Maybe some years from now you will feel strong enough to pop in for a visit. But she has to understand that it will never feel safe to you again.

        • Distraught

          Thank you for input and support. I completely agree. She also has a “friend” (f) who is half of a couple-friends scenario. The 4 of us would go out to dinner, drinks, etc. She confided in “friend” about affair and “friend” was her support throughout the affair, even told my wife “do whatever you want” (I have proof). Since D-Day I quashed all socializing with couple. Male half doesn’t know and is pressing “friend” why no more social activity. Wife pines for restarting social activity with couple. I’m firm on no f-ing way. Even my therapist says “friend” clearly not friend of marriage. This also causing tension. That’s why I’m contemplating saying accept my boundaries or let’s move on.

          • tryinghard

            I agree with TryingHard that you have a good therapist! The female half of that friend couple is no friend of yours. Like your wife killed that office scene for you, the “friend” drove a knife through your couple friendship. She and your wife have to accept that and one of them can explain it to the male friend if they are brave enough to admit their betrayal.

      • TryingHard

        Distraught— your heartache, your rules. Don’t go. Simple as that.

        Unfortunately she’s figuring out there’s consequences to our choices. She choose to cheat. She can’t choose how you react to it or he consequences.

        Just my two cents worth. Happy to hear you have a good therapist

      • Anon

        Do not attend if you are not comfortable. The cheater just has to understand that.

        • Nearly Normal

          I second Anon’s assertion. You have to feel safe in therapy, and safe in general. That was a big turning point for me, realizing that the tons of emotions i was feeling were from my brain telling me I was not safe.

          If you cannot feel safe in therapy, which should be for healing, then where will you find it? Protect yourself and trust your feelings.

    • Bor

      My wife who cheated filed for separation last week. The day after vowed to contact the former AP for support. I told her to just go ahead and divorce. I don’t want to be subjected to any more abuse. If I could change her mind, if the counselor could change her mind she still says she can’t ever feel intimacy with me. So my shit sandwich is been served up again. I would like to continue to try as a part of me regrets my inability to ever feel safe or trusting of her. That part couldn’t keep me from constantly flooding when blamed for the affair. Or I would flood when I would say I am triggered by this affair scenario on tv. She would say things like how can I enjoy a program when you are triggered by some thing on tv. She says she can’t see that change and would not be happy trying to make me happy. It’s to much pressure. But what do say about her recent acting someone who she hasn’t supposedly talked to in almost 3 years? What does that say about a person and their guilt for hurting their spouse or anyone? She has plenty of support she doesn’t need that relationship for support. To me it paints a very bleak picture of a person inability to really feel the pain or really have any remorse for their actions. I hate that she can divorce me and dictate the terms because the kids school is close to her work not mine. So she is the one who gets them out the door. I have to leave 45 min early because of the 40 mile commute to work. Through our attempts at fixing this I was always asking for her to initiate some recovery work. Now today she picks up 6 books on divorce. There’s the efforts she should have done for how to connect after your affair or how to have a better marriage. Gottman anything that she would have checked out first and showed some interest in would have built more trust and faith that she was getting it and looking to improve. This is one of her complaints. I never acknowledged her work of showing up to counseling. No I did if she would have not done that I almost filed in 2016 because she hadn’t gone to any counseling in over 2 months after the last relapse. So any good books on how to reconnect when your spouse doesn’t want the marriage?

      • Shifting Impressions

        Bor
        I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t believe we can make our partners want to stay in the relationship. Sometimes we just have to let them go…but I don’t believe for one minute that your partner should call all the shots. You have rights where your children are concerned. Your children need you in their lives as much as you need them in yours.

        Only you know when enough is enough but in the meantime it might be wise to get legal counsel regarding child custody etc.

      • tryingtogetover

        I am so sad for you and sorry that you are going through this. I don’t have any book reccs but I do hope you get good counsel and can explain that it’s her abandoning the marriage, not you, and that you very much want to keep the family together. If it comes to divorcing, you want to coparent. I wish you all good things and wish we could all magically change her mind.

      • HopefulAndOptimistic

        Bor. My therapist recommended “The Divorce Remedy” I read the book and found it very helpful. Of course it is always easier to rebuild your marriage when your spouse wants to too, but this book helps you do it when you are the only one interested in accomplishing that. I hope it can be of use to you as well.

      • Better days

        Bor,
        I know it sucks ass and probably doesn’t feel like it right now. But her pulling the trigger to D you is probably the most respectful thing she’s done for you in a while. No reason to let her dictate anything else. Take care.

      • Anon

        Your wife doesn’t seem to have any empathy or compassion. No books can teach that unfortunately.

        You cannot make her want the marriage. It’s interesting how the cheater views the Betrayed spouse when the BS is being kind or loving or supportive. The CS views them as weak and clingy.

        No magic potion here – I suggest reading up on the 180 approach and start separating your lives. I’m sorry she won’t consider reconciliation.

      • E

        Hey Bor,

        I’m sorry that your going through this, Big Hugs to you. We can’t force our spouses to change, wake up and see that they caused us pain etc. and working on yourself is going to help you with things emotionally and mentally, self soothe, go for a walk, find a hobby, meditate, be on this blog, etc. I remember my first year dealing with the affair fog and triggers and dates and anger and I was not in a Safe place emotionally and made a lot of mistakes and blunders based on emotions. I wish I had found this place then and maybe I wouldn’t have had so many crazy outbursts or freak outs.

        Seek legal counseling. I learned a lot in my recovery and journey and mostly I learned how affairs impact divorce.

        Depending on the state you live in (which I’m in one of them) the “alienation of affection” lawsuit will have the AP thinking twice about how messy it is to be with your wife and it also impacts how the divorce goes and can protect you and your parental rights too, it may not make a difference however in my case the idea that I could take everything from the OW financially she settled for the minimum child support and my H has a lot more visitation and legal custody than she wanted with their shared child. Believe me she backed off and all contact is through the courts because she doesn’t want me to go that direction. When the AP sees financially that knowing the cheating spouse can break them, they will run for the hills.

        I still have an attorney even now 3 years later because I want to make sure I am protected legally.

        E

    • Destroyed by lies

      I thought I was doing so well. Now I wonder if I will ever recover. My husband had an EA for 8 months last year. I feel like my relationship with him was a lie for all of 2018. We are working to rebuild. I have a difficult time trusting anyone. He is the one person I thought I could trust. Reminders pop up, and I’m right back at the beginning. I recently looked through phone records. There was a day that he was on vacation from work. I found a record of a phone call where he left his family to talk to her for nearly two hours. I don’t know why that hurts so much but I’m finding it difficult to get past. He is a workaholic and spends little time with me and our children. For him to leave us and spend time talking with her makes me ill. Their relationship is over, blocked on all social media and his cell phone. He’s doing all that I’ve asked, yet the pain of betrayal is as fresh as D-Day 10 months ago. I guess I just find it hard to believe that he wants me and not her. My self esteem has never been so low.

      • Distraught

        Destroyed – I understand and relate to what you’re experiencing (see Distraught post above). I have “episodes” daily where I just sit and stare. Not as frequent as I used to, but more frequently than I’d like to admit. 2018 was a bad year for me as well and share the same feelings as you. Rightly or wrong, I have made efforts to exorcise much of 2018 from my life. Deleted photos, memorabilia among other things because it was a lie. And like your WS, mine has done everything that has been asked and shown great remorse. But sorry no matter how many times only does so much. Even with help and support from WS, everything I’ve read and discussed with a therapist points to one healing remedy; time. But support from WS must remain strong throughout for time to be effective. The WS must know and accept this. My therapist told me “your choices didn’t cause the issues your facing, hers did. You shouldn’t feel obligated or be expected to rectify them. Your job is to try and understand what led to the affair and work with her on the marriage to strengthen any weakness you discover if you want to save the marriage”. Best advice I’ve seen or read yet. I wish I could depart with more comforting or beneficial information, but I’m in the same boat as you. I’m hoping time works wonders. Best of luck and be strong.

      • Tryingtogetover

        Destroyed, I hear ya. I hope it helps you to know that, as TryinHard says, your feelings are totally normal (if awful). The entire first year I was obsessed with thoughts of “this time last year…” The lying, knowing he was texting her while on family vacation, on and on – we all know that heartbreak. I can tell you it gets better after year one. I am 18 months in and I now feel more joy than pain day-to-day. Year one was more pain than joy. But I believe TryinHard that the pain never goes away. You can just work to make new, happy memories that gradually cloud out the painful ones. But the painful ones are never totally erased.
        My other advice is to please don’t measure yourself against her. Kind of impossible but really, he chose you and chose to stay with you and whatever she was like may not have mattered then and hopefully will never matter going forward. The affair may have had little to do with her personally and more to do with her being available to have an affair with and him being in a disconnected headspace. Know that you have worth!

      • Shifting Impressions

        Destroyed
        Don’t be to hard on yourself….the betrayal is epic. Give yourself time to grieve. And there is anger in grief not just sadness and pain.

        It’s been five and half yeas since d-day and like Trying Hard said I can still get pretty pissed off just thinking about it. It’s a long hard process. I’m sure I cried almost everyday for three years and for a long time was just extremely sad. The first year was terribly rough….you are not alone in what you are going through, Even if the CS does everything right (which would be highly unusual ) the BS finds themselves in a battle of epic proportions. I am not sure either if the pain ever goes away completely! We are still together and still making headway but I really wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone.

        I know that when our spouses betray us it has a tendency to wreak havoc with our self esteem. I would tell myself that it was him who behaved in a “Less than” fashion…not me. He was the one who made the poor choices. Was I a perfect wife etc. ??? Of course not. But I loved him completely and trusted him with all my heart. I did not deserve to be cheated on and lied to. You don’t deserve it either. He is to blame and please don’t let anybody ever tell you otherwise!!

        take care of you and give yourself time to grieve!!!

        • Destroyed

          Thank you, Shifting!

      • E

        Hey Destroyed,

        I’ve been where you are…. still am some days. My H had an affair for 16-17 years of our 21 year marriage. I do not look at photos of my family, children, etc from before DDay 3 years ago (this includes my children’s baby pictures) because I am still trying to decipher how much of the last 21 years of my life is real and what isn’t. Imagine the birthday, anniversaries, holidays that are there. I work with a therapist and work hard or the acceptance yet it’s there still in the back of my head and I do stare into space somedays because it’d the memories that have nothing to do with the affair that impact me the most. I ask constantly why a memory effects me when others don’t. I might take years to really figure that out.

        Don’t be hard on yourself. Just to let you know the OW isn’t better than you and it will take a while for you to see that within yourself. It took me about 2 years to come to the conclusion that I am glad I am not her and never want to be because I am better than her and nothing she can do will change that. If my H wanted her his life would be painful and he knows that and regrets his life when he was with her. Every bad choice that hindered his success was because he was covering up for a lie and now he doesn’t have that over his head and has so much more now than he has had in our whole marriage, it’s been hard work for him too. I promise you that you are loveable, you are special, and you have a life journey that will be amazing. Work on you, take the time to grieve, I did…..

        E

        • Destroyed

          E,
          Thank you for your kind words. I understand trying to figure out what memories are real. My son graduated college. We travelled two separate weekends to see him. This was at the height of the EA. I thought we were making a family memory. He was texting her a lot. Makes me sick. I also had a child separating from his wife at this time and I wonder if my husband chose to stay because I was already stressed over the impending divorce. He says that is not why he chose to stay but I don’t know for sure because the trust is lost. He didn’t come clean about the EA until 5 months later. I wish you better days ahead.

    • TryinHard

      Destroyed—ggggrrr doesn’t it just gaul you?!?! Yes I know what you are saying. My is a workaholic too. Always has been. He and his family have great work ethic. I too would ask for more time when my children were little, I was a somewhat SAHM, and of course his excuse was he was the only one working. LOL I see plenty of men today who do 100 times more with their families than my h did. And that wasn’t even during his affair.

      He’d also always manage to find time for golf. Take off early and play golf for 4.5 hours then of course beers after. I’d ask for him to take off early and do Christmas shopping or something else. Nope couldn’t possibly manage the time off. So I ate the shit sandwich.

      Then after DDay and I saw all the time he spent on the phone her, plus she worked for him, and the time he’d take off during the day to hook up with her….still to this day pisses.me.off!!!

      But this is what affairs are about. Betrayal. Lying and doing things totally out of character to get their fix, Those phone calls on Christmas day or during your kid’s birthday, taking time off work to hook up, having sex in the car and on and on. It’s all a part of the betrayal/affair package. It’s what adds to their sick idea of excitement. Sneaking away and getting their fix. And when we find out they gave more to some stranger than they ever gave to you or your kids, it reallllly pisses you off. Maybe more so than finding out they had sex!

      I hear you and I’m telling you your anger is normal. It does piss you off, it should piss you off and you will forever be pissed off about this. I’m 9 years out and when I think of it it still pisses me off 🙂

      • Destroyed

        Thank you Tryinhard

    • TryingHard

      Trying to get over. Great advice. I must say i need to work harder at the “this time 9 year ago” to “this time last year”. I like that. Why remember and Anniversary misery right?!? When i was in college and taking exams. I’d get a 98% but damn that 2% i missed really got my attention. Same with life. Never is it 100% Especially marriage

    • Gutted

      yearsWhat’s on my mind? Last Sept I got a strange letter in the mail addressed upsidedown on an envelope & no return address. It wasn’t from her. The Postmark was out of state but where my husband works. The letter informed me of a many years affair my husband had been having. Complete with the name to look up online to see the pictures. I was sickened. When I first read it I thought this happened just a few years ago when I was fighting cancer but then I realized it was even before that. Betrayed doesn’t even come close… I was gutted. This hurt me worse than cancer, the surgeries & the treatments & recovery did. This is the man I blindly trusted to have my back for almost 19 years. The letter also informed me they were engaged! I immediately informed her in a message that he was married & had been for almost 20 years & Until Death do us part. Then I called him.
      Everybody knows what the next few weeks & months were like…. hell. He said he wanted to reconcile. He said it was over. He had me coming to stay with him out of state. He was coming home more… but something didn’t feel right. He agreed we both needed to see a counselor but he never found the time. I did until my therapist had to quit because of cancer in her husband. Almost 6 months to the day I discovered that he was still seeing her! So I got 2 f*cking D-Days, the second one worse than the first. I took too many sleeping pills. I was done with the pain. He let me sleep in his hotel for 2 days! 2 days later he ended it on the speakerphone with me watching. Then he Blocked her #. But numbers can be unblocked & how do I know it was her he was talking too? It has been 4 months now, I have moved to the state where he works so he is home with me every night but he drags his feet about doing the things he says he will. Reading books to help us. We even have a “program” but that is still in the starting gate 3 months along. I did find a new book that he has read 3 chapters in, I know because I read the whole book before I threw it at him and he has mentioned things from it.

      So now I am 10 months into this & the feelings are still raw. I cry every day. I don’t trust him when he is out of my sight. He is trying but I just don’t think he is doing enough. I have lost too much weight. Someone, please tell me the things your wayward spouses did to help rebuild your trust. My big sticking point is his damn phone & laptop, the ones from his work he keeps locked. He never uses his phone it is forwarded to his work phone & his tablet is locked also. So I do have legitimate reasons to still not trust him. The internet & phones enabled him in the past. He asked me back in March to give him a year after my second D-Day. I agreed but I am thinking that I cant make it unless real things are done that I specifically ask of him. Namely, he needs to give me passwords to all his devices. I am tired of feeling this way. I have been trying for 10 months & he only 4 months, but I still can’t believe.

      • Destroyed by lies

        Gutted, your husband should be willing to do whatever you ask if him. Everything you ask of him. Access your cell phone plan and change the password. Block her number from his phone. He cannot unblock it without the password. My husband willingly blocked his EAP online and on his cell and gave me the password to his computer and facebook. Your husband should be willing to do that for your peace of mind. I hope your husband realizes what he’s done before it’s too late. You deserve better. Much better

        • tryingtogetover

          Agree with you Destroyed-so, Gutted, while he could easily “unblock” on his phone, if you take control of your phone bill from now on, and you control that username and password, you can block numbers from your dashboard there. He can’t unblock them. Of course, he could call her from a work phone or a “burner” phone or a hotel phone, we can never do absolutely everything, but blocking on our Sprint account eased my mind a bit. It was, simply, something I could do. Same with getting all the usernames and passwords At first I checked his accounts several times a day, then a couple times a week. I am still there but maybe eventually I won’t bother with them much at all.
          You do all you can and then tentatively trust, right?
          Sometimes I wonder if all of our technology, which makes it easier for them to cheat, also makes the BS absolutely insane! I spend too much time Googling things like, “Can I tell if someone has tried to call a blocked number?” lol PS the answer to that is no, you can’t tell if someone is trying to call a blocked number, and that’s probably a good thing for my sanity,

        • weddingbelle

          This is going to sting. Actually, mine was sending and receiving calls by *67. You can’t see them. At all. It’s a great way for them to communicate without being found out. Problem for them is if they forget.

          • Destroyed

            There is also a way to have secret conversations on Facebook.
            Open a secret conversation with someone.
            Tap their name at the top.
            Tap Your Keys.
            To verify the conversation is encrypted, compare the device key that appears under your friend’s name with the their keys on their device to make sure they match.You can compare devices in person, or via screenshot.
            This is what the OW showed my husband. Does it sound to anyone else that this was not her first rodeo?

            • weddingbelle

              Sucks that we have to become acquainted with things we never would have felt the need for!

      • TryingHard

        Gutted- my dear he is not being transparent. Please do not question yourself about him needing to be transparent. There is no reason for him to keep those devices locked down unless he’s a doctor or therapist where confidentiality is part of his job. You cannot nor should you trust him at all. You are living on the scraps of attention he is throwing your way. Looking to see if he’s really the man you think he is.

        My guess is he’s gone deeper underground with his affairs. Makes no difference you live with him. Hell my h and were seldom apart except when he was at “work”. I had NO clue. Oh i had plenty of red flags about the woman but i chalked it up to me being dramatic. Yes i blamed myself and bought his lies and gaslighting because i wanted to. Like yours my husband was a “good man”. Whatever that means right? Pretty sure you wouldn’t see him as a good man. Regardless get the info and access you need to heal. There is no healing otherwise. Don’t nt let his “good” acts when he’s around cloud your thinking. It’s called manipulation. We are all at risk of that. We are grateful for those kibbles that is their wonderful ness, the glimpse of who we think and want to believe they are.
        Fact is your h needs to work a little harder because it sounds to me he isn’t right now. I know you say he’s a good man but reading what you’re writing I’m thinking not so much. I know it’s hard to hear but please accept the reality of who he is and not what you want him to be. You accept who he is you can make the changes in yourself. The reason you’ve lost so much weight is your sub conscience is warning you. Getting you ready for fight or flight. Pay attention. Your gut feelings are never wrong.

        Insist on transparency. Don’t let his words fool you. Judge him by his actions. Don’t doubt yourself or your motivations. Sneaky people thrive on that shit. And above all take care of YOU. Put your health and welfare first. Put your oxygen mask on first!

        Hugs to you Gutted. I know it’s hard and miserable. I know there’s seldom time in the day when his betrayal isn’t on your mind and I’m so sorry you’re going through this heartbreak

    • Destroyed by Lies

      Thank you all for kind words of support. My husband is a good man, one of the best. We were hardly speaking last year when this all happened. We were holding onto grudges that should have been forgiven long ago but I have a hard time forgetting when I’ve been hurt. (He never strayed before). After d-day, I forgave him for hurting me long ago and for hurting me with the ow. I felt like I needed to forgive to move on. I am one to hold a grudge, as mentioned before, but I did not want him out of my life. I felt like the man who cheated on me was not him. It was so out of character. He’s always been faithful, respectful and believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. We have been married for over 30 years. I never thought he would do this to me. I accept a part in neglecting our marriage but not a part in his cheating. This woman is married also. So “upstanding” in her community. She came on strongly to my husband, I believe him when he tells me that. She made suggestive comments and made him feel wanted and attractive which I had not been doing. No excuse but, I understand. I don’t want her to have a hold over me any more but my self worth is very low. I’m working on that. I am one of the luck ones in that my husband answered every question and gave every detail that I asked for, even when it hurt me. He is truly apologetic and feels remorse. I am grateful but now feel that I am not alone in still trying to process the betrayal. Maybe it doesn’t have to make sense. Maybe chalk it up to a growth experience and move on. That is where I’m trying to get to. Thank you all again and I hope you are each able to heal.

      • weddingbelle

        Meant kindly…he probably wasn’t helping you feel wanted and attractive, but you didn’t stray. Just sayin’.

    • Exhausted

      It is almost 9 months since DDay. I thought we have made a lot of progress in healing ourselves and our marriage. We went to a few couples therapy sessions, one where the focus was on him, to get him to understand the damage he caused, from my point of view. He bought us a book to help with our marriage, and I thought that he finally understood me as a person and my needs in our marriage. And it helped, for a while. Now, he has moved past all his ‘issues’ he had that caused him to have his affair. He is in a much better place now than where he was, as he says it. But for me it is long from being over. For me, we are back to where we were in our marriage, he is the same distant, unaffectionate person he was. It is as if all the work we have done, all the discoveries about ourselves and each other, has been wiped from his memory. We just seem to be back to where when he is happy and fulfilled, all is well. I am forgotten, or should be happy because he is happy. All this is doing to me, is making me relive the whole ordeal over again. In some ways, very small, he has changed, but it is not enough for me to be fully heal, to trust him fully to protect our marriage. I am just so exhausted to feel like I am the only one working hard on this. Some days I feel like disappearing, I just want to be alone for a bit, to switch off. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. I truly believe he he is sorry for what he has done, but we can’t go back to where we were. The pain and anxiety eats at me. What do you do when his behaviour triggers you, but he just can’t grasp it? It is difficult to know at this point whether he will change for the better or even wants to. It’s as is he wants everything fixed and better and happier without having to do the work.

      • Hurt

        The spouse that was cheated on feels pain and has triggers for a very long time after d-day. It’s been 10 months for me. I expect many more months of triggers. Talk to your husband. He will need to do a lot to help rebuild your trust and your self esteem. When someone so close to us hurts us, things don’t get repaired with a simple “I’m sorry.” He should be helping you in any way you ask. Best wishes.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Exhausted
        I can relate almost word for word to Hopeful’s comments. Keeping a journal, setting time aside for one hour a week and how it’s a complete roller coaster ride of emotions. It has been five and half years for me. Not just Friends was also one of the most helpful books I read.

        It’s long journey but we are always here to listen….take care!!

    • Anon

      Exhausted.

      I’m sorry you are feeling this right now after having and seeing positive changes.

      You need to be able to communicate with him about how you feel. He is probably blissfully unaware of this. Perhaps if he knew, things would be better or he would make an effort to improve communication and your interactions to help you feel more connected.

      Read Dave Willis 10 questions for every marriage. Things like “when are we at our best” or “when are we at our worst?” This way you can frame it as a discussion and not an attack.

      It may be better received in that way rather than “we need to talk” approach. Maybe then you can get in your feelings about how you feel now.

      Hope this suggestion helps.

    • Exhausted

      Thanks Anon,

      Will give it a read. The ‘we need to talk’ approach definitely switches him off. He feels I talk too much about this, even if I don’t for two or three weeks. But as time went by, I just had more things to say because I had more time to think about everything and more emotions flared up. For instance, I am still struggling with my self-confidence and comparison issues and when I am at a low I feel the need to talk. But thanks for the advice anyway….

      • Hopeful

        Exhausted,

        So sorry, going through this is horrible. I don’t think the wayward can ever really feel what we feel. My husband has done a great job, not perfect at all. He still says to me he can never feel what I have. He said he knows this since he knows I would never do what he did to me. He has verbalized that he has a stability and security that I thought I have but will never have. And he is accurate. I would never do what he did ever.

        We are at 4 1/2 years post dday. As far as nine months that was still early in my recovery timeline. I was still processing and coping with everything at 12 months. Granted we all have different timelines. Here is what helped me/worked for us. I went to therapy by myself. I needed a person to help me through this and to be on my side. It was the best and amazing. It provided the support, validation and a pathway to figure out and get what I needed. We also set aside one time a week that we would talk about the affairs, him, me, us etc. This was helpful since the other time we spent together we enjoyed our time together. Then we were both prepared when we would have our time. He was not stressed out wondering when I was going to bring something up. I did journal daily so I would look over my notes and see what I wanted to talk about. I was more focused this way and not going off on tangents. He was less defensive and I was more satisfied with our talks. My favorite book was Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. My husband brought home an article from the Atlantic called Masters of Love. It was by John Gottman. It was really good and he refers to it still. It honestly was the right amount of information for my husband since it was a magazine article. But John Gottman’s work is amazing in my opinion.

        I will say the recovery process is like a roller coaster. Right when things seem to settle down it would remind me of pre dday. It was hard for my husband to know what to expect. At the root of it for my husband was he hated and still hates that he caused me the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. He struggles with that. I would say around 18 months I was feeling better. He really started then processing everything he did. I thought that was already done since he broke up with both women 15 months before dday on his own. But he just blocked it out of his mind. My best piece of advice from this phase was talk less and listen more. The things my husband has told me and opened up about I would have never known. Honestly I just sit and listen and say nothing. He has done a lot of work, is a mental health professional etc so that helps since he has the training, insight and work related to this. But honestly I had no idea the recovery was going to be harder for him and take longer.

        I would suggest finding whatever way you can to make your husband understand that being cheated on is very traumatic causing PTSD etc. And in my opinion this will always be part of our marriage. I told my husband how he handles the recovery will make the difference if we are still together or divorced. I told him I would give my all but the rest is up to him. And the other thing I have told him often is “not cheating/doing anything at all with other women” is not enough. I want a new and improved marriage. Together we can figure out what that means.

        Hang in there and I hope this might help a little bit!

      • tryingtogetover

        Exhausted, I know just what you mean about new thoughts bubbling up. The betrayed is in so much shock that it literally takes months to slowly come out of it and ask certain questions and to be brave enough to follow some lines of thought. I was still asking very major questions 15 months after D-day, when I was ready to face the answer. But I LOVE Hopeful’s great suggestion of having a set day/time to talk about it – then you don’t have the awkwardness of, “Hey, thanks for doing those dishes, can I ask you if you lied about being with her that one night 24 months ago?” lol I save most of my big declarations for our couples therapy, which is roughly once a month. I think my husband kind of dreads them but also goes in emotionally prepared to hear my PTSD-induced verbal vomiting and respond calmly and honestly. At this point I just have to get out fears like, “I think maybe you like to lie,” and he can respond that no, he hates it, lying was killing him, he’s not going down that road again, etc. It’s important for both sides to actually say all that stuff out loud, it really is. Exhausted, I hope your husband is patient and lets you say everything you need to, however long it takes.

        • E

          Distraught,

          I agree with the others. There was no flip of the switch on or off. It’s been 3 years for me since DDay and we are in a better place now than last year and it just takes time for you and time for the CS if they are working on things. I still have some really intensity and triggers that are hard to work through and my H is trying his best to be someone better for his kids and a husband. He does laundry, dishes and is helpful. I spend time with him which after DDay I completely backed away from him and put up a giant wall that slowly is coming down. I won’t say it’s perfect and won’t say there are not bad days. It gets better over time.
          E

    • Distraught

      Exhausted,
      I understand your frustrations and reservations. I too am in your shoes. But a comment for Hopeful and Tryingtohetover, you both are in 15+ months and clearly both still working through complications. This is especially directed towards Hopeful (4-1/2 years), when does it ever start to feel like you’re turning a corner? At what time in your recovery did it feel like that? Of course it depends on the efforts of the WS, but both of you have indicated that your spouse has at least tried to do the right things. I’m at 8 months and my wife has done and tried anything and everything that I have asked and what hers and our therapist has suggested and I still can’t see that corner I need to turn. What and when was it that flipped the switch for you?

      • Shifting Impressions

        Distraught
        I don’t know about Hopeful’s experience but for me there wasn’t really a flipping of the switch, so to speak. It was more of a “one step forward and two steps backwards “ type of experience!!! It’s as if I would slowly shift from one stage of grieve to another and then slip back again. Slowly I stopped crying everyday. Slowly the sadness started to lift. Slowly we started laughing together again. Sometimes the rage still threatens to bubble up (yup even after 5 1/5 years) but not nearly as often and it’s not nearly as angry as it once was. Slowly I started to see the good in him again!!

        In all honesty it’s still a work in progress……….but the fact that we are still here and together and moving forward tells me that perhaps our marriage was stronger than I thought.

      • Tryingtogetover

        Distraught, I agree with Shifting Impressions that you don’t necessarily wake up one day feeling over it. Getting through a full year past DDay seemed important to me. And this second year I have really been working myself to live in the present and not in the past. The psychological work that both sides need to do is no joke. I agree with many others on here that having your own therapist just for you can really help. I used to be the kind of person who could just “get over” things by ignoring them but marital infidelity was too big for me to ignore, I have definitely needed counseling to process things. I do find it gets easier and easier. Many people who have been fighting their PTSD demons for years come back to these boards when they feel triggered or low – that may be why it seems like we’re all still suffering so much. But in my experience it keeps quieting down, truly. Have faith that with time you will be able to get it all in the greater perspective of an otherwise happy life.

      • Hopeful

        Distraught, I agree with the others. There was no switch that flipped. I wish there was. I would just call it a long roller coaster ride. And honestly it will always affect me. My husband says he thinks about it daily and is reminded of what he did multiple times a day. I have come to figure out this is major trauma and will have its lasting effects. I try to turn it into a positive and be thankful for where we are and how far we have come.

        For me I was a literal mess for the first 12 months and then gradually I started to feel better. I spent a lot of time by myself thinking about what I wanted and needed. I then and now still verbalize that to my husband. I honestly think communication is so critical. For me seeing a therapist a major help.

        All I can say is it takes a lot of time. And make sure to figure out what you want and learn to express it. I also worked really hard to stay positive. I mean I got upset and I am sure I said things that were not nice. But I tried to frame things in “I feel like …” vs “you….” . I also said exactly what I wanted and needed him to do. I was very specific. If you are not sure what you need or want I would say more time figuring that out. That way you can ask for what you need. He or she should be willing to do whatever you need! I decided early on I was going to do everything to make my marriage work and that was my mentality. Not always easy.

    • Deeper Thought

      It’s been 4 months and 2 days post D-day for me. My H had EA for about 10 months started Summer last year. I thought I’m recovering pretty well since I didn’t run into much trigger, or it’s possible that I successfully avoided any triggers. Until this past week. The date of D-day itself had put me back to the same devastation when I confirmed that he had an EA with a someone who manipulated me into believing that she wanted to be my “friend”. It brought some down emotions and anxieties. I couldn’t talk about it with my H cause I know he’s just going to be defensive as soon as he knows it’s about the EA. At bed time, my anxiety turned into the same bad dream that I had few times before. The dreams were not identical but they had the same pattern. I was in a situation where I witnessed my H helping some random woman by inviting her to our place. I was angry because I was NOT OK with it and I tried to scream and yell at him but he just brushed me off. Exactly like what happened when I spoke up being uncomfortable with his “friendship” with the OW. He gaslighted me, kept the it going and I was left frustrated and insecure. I remember one day I woke up from that dream weeping. I’m worried that I will have more of that bad dream.

      I know the EA was over right after D-day. My H was doing his best to make it up to me for what he did, by going to 6 sessions of marriage counseling with me, giving access to all of his communication devices, being affectionate and all. But he doesn’t want to be open about the EA outside counseling sessions. It makes it hard for me to even begin to heal. I’m not holding any grudges but I’m constantly worried if our marriage is gonna get better. I’m also scared for my own well-being if some days I have to bottle up my feelings of hurt, worries and doubts. I’m wondering if it has something to do with forgiveness? I thought I have forgiven him for the EA itself but it still pains me when I remember the hurtful stuffs and the lies he said. For anyone who has forgiven your spouse for their affairs, did it really mean you let go of the betrayal, deceptions and everything that’s related to the affair? Did it also lift any pain in your heart and give you peace?

      Our anniversary is just around the corner. In one hand I’m happy we’re still married but on the other hand I’m crushed knowing that betrayal has been a part of it. It will be 11 years. It was easy to say it was 10 happy years. Not so much this time. It’s hard to believe that 1 bad year could almost make the other 10 years meaningless.

    • Devastated

      Deeper Thought, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. I, too, have forgiven my spouse but I am far from forgetting. It takes time to ease the pain and the betrayal. I have been married over 30 years and one betrayal has nearly undone everything I believed to be true about my husband. We have similar stories. Ten months since my d-day. Each month on that date was difficult for about 6 months, now the date comes and goes with little to no thought of it. However, triggers happen every now and again. I forgave my husband’s EA almost immediately because this thought came to my mind…’Dont make more of this than it is.’ That has helped me. He has worked very hard and so have I to improve our marriage. I still have questions. I’ve asked the same questions repeatedly and he answers them. Your husband should go through this on your terms, he strayed not you. If you need to talk, he should be there to listen, share information, etc. Your healing is done on YOUR terms.

      • Deeper Thought

        Devastated,
        Thank you for sharing your experience. Just what I needed to hear. I know I have long way to go for healing, but reading the stories from many people here gives me a lot of understandings that it takes time to heal. I need to work harder to get my H to listen more so that I don’t feel so alone.

        This blog has been such a blessing. Thanks Doug, Linda and Sarah P for keeping it going with all of the informative and helpful articles. Your own personal stories are very inspiring. They really support me in finding the lights in between the darkness of these difficult times.

        • Hopeful

          I have “forgiven” my husband along the way at different times. Each time I thought I forgave him and I did. But as we recover I would say I forgive him in a different way as time goes by. I am not sure if that make sense. Even for him he says he is a totally different person, it was like another lifetime and he does not even remember saying a lot of what he said in that first year. It is hard for me to understand but he was trying to minimize damage, cover his shame, make me feel better any way possible and move on. It has been such a process but I remember forgiving him early on for what he did. Now it is another level of forgiveness. And I agree forgiveness does not mean we do not talk about it. We both have agreed it is part of our marriage and we need to discuss it. And this winter we even both joked about it together and had a laugh. I never thought I would see that happen!

          I find our anniversary kind of hard still. I feel like we carry on just for the kids. To me honestly I appreciate dday more. That is what I would consider an anniversary. I know many people hate that day but for me it signifies when we decided to commit to each other. And when my husband grew up and became who he is now. I celebrate that way more than our actual wedding anniversary.

    • tryingtogetover

      Adding this article that came out today to this thread, as it resonated (and is great even if you skim it) https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2019/07/16/the-crane-wife/
      Or google “The Paris Review The Crane Wife”

    • weddingbelle

      The one thing I’m waiting for in our marriage is for his actions to be about me and/or our son instead of being all about him and what makes HIM happy. We are 31 months past 1st dday and 16 months past 9th (me finding people he tried to connect with or out and out lies about certain events). There was no EA or PA, JUST manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse and an attempt to begin an affair in front of me. Anyway, just wondering if the selfishness, the me, me, me ever becomes about us and the family instead? If so, when does this happen?

      • Shifting Impressions

        Weddingbelle
        The words JUST MANIPULATON AND EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL ABUSE….jumped off the page at me. There is no JUST about abusive behavior. Perhaps JUST WAITING for change isn’t enough…..I believe you must require change.

        Also if there was no affair what was the d-day about??

        • TryingHard

          SI—-OMG. Thank you. How low do we have to set the bar for a relationship ? How much do have to minimize our needs and self worth for a relationship?? This is crazy. Wedding Belle. I’m not calling YOU crazy because you’re not crazy. But seriously. Reread and tell me what you would tell me if i had written what you wrote?

          Ease. Slur yourself more. Please do t minimize what he’s done to. You are simply giving him the red carpet and open invitation to do more. I highly doubt there was no EA or PA. Cheaters, manipulators and abuses lie. They lie like rugs!!! Take your head out of the sand and look around at what you’ve got to work with.

          • weddingbelle

            Trying, you’re right. I’d be telling you to run. Sometimes I think about it, but being 60 with a son in college gives me few choices. Thinking I may go see an attorney in the near future to find out what options I do have this late in the game. He’ll be retiring in 4 years.

            • Shifting Impressions

              Weddingbelle
              I was also 60 at the time of d-day. I remember thinking I had a lot more choices than I would have if I had been younger with young children to care for. Seeing an attorney to find out your rights would probably be empowering! It might also wake your husband up to the fact that you have rights as well.

              You deserve more….I hope you know that!!

            • weddingbelle

              Thank you, Shifting. I’ve put research and visit attorney on my list. I’m sure they can take his retirement into account. I HATE this! He’s made progress, then backslides.

        • weddingbelle

          He tried to begin an affair in front of me at a wedding. Once the dust settled, dday was about me slowly gathering information about him trying to connect with ex-girlfriends when I went sleuthing. I found out about manipulation and these findings were met with things like “You’re crazy”, “You need to see a doctor and therapist as you might be bipolar or have dementia”, etc. This went on for 15 months before I just stopped. There’s probably so much more, but I won’t be the marriage police. If he wants to leave, he can. The other side of that is if I want to leave, I can, too. Anyway, the ddays were me shaming myself by sleuthing as I didn’t even trust my gut any longer. He goes to IC, so do I and we do MC. Somehow, it just seems like he should be doing more.

          • Shifting Impressions

            weddingbelle
            You didn’t “Shame yourself” by sleuthing. You were trying to verify what your gut was telling you. Sometimes what our gut is telling us is very hard for our heads to take in. Nothing wrong with looking for evidence.

            The thing is we can’t make our partners do anything. Our power lies in our own response! Two books I found really helpful are IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO by Winifred Reilly and THE GASLIGHT EFFECT BY Robyn Stern.

            During my husband’s two EA’s(almost twenty years apart) my gut was screaming that something was so very wrong…..but I never in a million years believed he could betray me that way. Not knowing what to think anymore I asked him straight out “is there someone else?” He looked me straight in the eye and said no. The very next morning I stumbled on evidence of an 18 month long EA. All this about two weeks before our fortieth wedding anniversary. I understand how difficult this is at our age.

            • weddingbelle

              Thank you again. I’ll be reading those soon. You know, I find it soooo much easier to share advice with someone else. So damn difficult to take it! I’m a work in progress, for sure.

    • Exhausted

      I also wonder about the selfishness. Why do they think they are ‘entitled’? They are entitled to whatever needs they may have and we are needy for having needs.

      Can those of you that are years into recovery please let me know when you started really believing and feeling that your spouse really chose to be with you. He told me he never really wanted to leave, and that he truly wants to be with me, and I do believe him. But the feeling of rejection, I guess, takes over and it is hard to truly feel it.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Exhausted
        You are right….it’s extremely difficult to not take an affair personally. And yes the feeling of rejection is something that still nags at me occasionally, even after five and a half years. I have told my husband more than once not to stay unless he truly wants to be with me.

    • tryingtogetover

      I needed a year to pass because a paranoid part of me thought he would give it a year and then try to bargain his way back into that “friendship” or look for someone else. Happily I was wrong, and a year in he was super committed to me and our family and showing it by spending more time with us, stepping up with everything he was doing around the house, and continuing to provide total transparency without complaint (access to all accounts, me on the phone bill login, location services turned on all the time). If he wanted to leave, he would have left. But it takes time to be sure they are really staying, so dig in and wait and continue counseling and talking. I am hopeful you will get there!

      • weddingbelle

        Hi Trying. A delicate question respectfully. Do you still police his social media, etc. and for how long will you continue? I ask because I’m terribly unsure that I want to maintain the stance of being the marriage police. I feel that if I must do that then what am I doing in a marriage without trust?

    • tryingtogetover

      I TOTALLY get what you are saying and someone on here wrote an excellent post that said essentially that – what is a marriage if you’re constantly worrying and policing? The idea is to let go and trust again. I DO think I will get there, but I am at 19 months out now, and so I still check his stuff sometimes. It was daily for maybe like that first year – at that point I was still finding ways to cyber-stalk her as well. As time marches on and I learn to trust I am doing MUCH less policing. And he has said that he knows if he did something like reach out to her, I’d be done, and he never wants that. So I trust he’s staying on his no-contact program. But I DO still check in, maybe like once a week? Maybe someday it will be like once a month? I find that rather than checking in, we do a lot more sitting next to each other in the evening and I ask, “whatcha texting?” and he shows me who he has been talking to that day -friends and colleagues and stuff, We share a lot more with each other about all our outside conversations. It feels less like me keeping him in line and more like us having good communication as the months roll on.

    • Kwezenhs

      Hi: I need a pep talk. In my darkest, saddest moments, I want to contact my husband’s AP and tell her to stay away from him, not to contact him in any way or send him any flowery messages about how much she misses him and will always have a special place in his heart etc. My husband and I now live apart. We are working on things. Sometimes it’s “fun” as we have been great friends but a lot of times it’s hard. Heavy on the heart. I live in a small town, which means that one day I ran into his AP three times. It angers me that she gets to keep her life, her husband doesn’t know and her family is intact while my life and that of my children is in pieces. I want to tell her that if she ever contacts my husband again, that I will be sure to tell her husband and have the proof to back it. …this is dark me. I believe my husband has cut off ties with her but still feel vulnerable. Has anyone else struggled with this? What are the pros and cons of telling the other partner? …Trying to take the high road and am thinking just knowing these things may help me better process where I am and what I’m going through. Thank you.

      • tryingtogetover

        I was waiting to see if anyone else replied because I for sure fantasize about having a meeting with the affair-partner’s husband and making sure he knows everything she tried to pull. I have never tried to actually arrange a meeting though. We are social-media friends but unlike your situation, that couple lives a few hours away from me and my husband. I HAVE written the AP a “hate letter” but never sent it; I went in and modified it though. It was an interesting exercise; at first, I wanted her to know how much she hurt us. As months passed, I instead wanted her to know how much better off we are now that she is completely out of our life. Of course, if I sent that, I would be dragging her back into our life! So I never have. It just sits in my gmail in case I ever want to dredge it up and revise it or actually send it. For your situation, since you are in the same town, I can see the temptation of having a confrontation. There are whole threads on these boards with pro and con stories about that!

      • Deeper Thought

        I don’t know if you already read these articles:
        https://www.emotionalaffair.org/should-you-confront-the-other-person/
        https://www.emotionalaffair.org/cheating-in-a-relationship-should-the-other-person-be-confronted/

        There are useful information and insights about confronting the OP and letting the OP’s spouse know about the affair. There are lots of comments from many BS about their experiences too.

        I didn’t exactly confront the OW. Two weeks after D-day, I wrote a short, angry letter, sent it along with stuffs she gifted my H. I clearly stated I did not want her apology to minimize the chance of any communications with her. For me, I did it to let her know that I stood up for myself. Two months after D-day, I also let her husband know about the EA by sending him a message on Facebook. I didn’t wish to have any communications with him either. I told him because he deserved to know.

        Sometimes, I do fantasize about saying more stuffs to her. Stuffs that I didn’t say on the letter because I wanted to keep it classy. I think she deserves some nasty words that I wanted to say right to her face. It’s hard to keep it to myself. But I know if I ever talked to her again, it would never really give me any peace whatsoever. So I left it right where it was.

        The OW lives in the same city, just different part of it. I’m dreading any chance to run into her because I honestly can’t think of what my reaction will be like. I don’t know if I can handle a situation like that. It scares me just to think of it.

    • TryingHard

      WeddingBelle–I think we are all of that ilk. Much easier to give the advice than take it. I think you are doing great. I wish I had had this place early on. I didn’t find it until wayyyy into recovery. At the DDay times I was freaking frantic! I must have read 10 books. My next choice would have been How to Commit Murder and Not Get Caught!! I wish I’d had these wise men and women to hold my hand and walk me through it all.

      If I had it to do over I’d have spent way more time taking care of me and thinking about what I really wanted. I was wayyyy to focused on him and the why and what the hell just happened to have any kind of objectivity. I was together enough to find a good therapist, psychiatrist (for meds), bad ass lawyer (he was so bad ass he scared me!) and that’s when I felt empowered. After 3 months of bullshit on his part he came home and we earnestly started MC. Even that was a lie and struggle at first. Honestly I think I was what they used to call soldiers coming back from war, Shell Shocked.

      Anyway you’re lucky to have such a great support system as Emotional Affair Journey members offer. I know it’s hard to listen and take it all in but one step at a time. I promise you’ll get to the other side.

      • weddingbelle

        I so agree that everyone here is supportive. I just have to learn to listen not just to others, but to myself as well. We are 31 months from when he wanted to begin an affair, and 15 months of lying to me AND our therapist and trickle truth has really made it difficult to listen to myself. My whole reality was twisted into something I didn’t recognize. I’ve been working on myself, it just hasn’t spilled over into us. Our therapist keeps saying that he’s owned it, he’s sorry, etc. My words to her are constantly that it’s different at home. He doesn’t own it, he backslides constantly, he hasn’t apologized to ME, and she’s been sucked into his eloquent way with words to the point that she has taken me to task about how I speak, feel and that I should forgive him because SHE knows he loves me. I’ll be leaving her very soon as I’m done with what I can only guess is her telling him how and what I’m feeling. I’ll continue with MC until I decide what I/we can do next. Yes, I will heed your words and take it one step at a time.

    • Kwezenhs

      HI: it’s been 8 months since my husband left me. He’s no longer with his AP and says he hasn’t been since he left. We are working on things but live in different towns (40 kms from each other). We see each other on weekends. Our youngest child (age 14) now lives with him. I am alone most of the time. My other 3 children are adults and don’t live at home. I live far from my own family and am just so sad. I’m doing lots of self-care, getting exercise, eating well, travelling when I can afford to, seeing a counsellor, attending to my spiritual health and am part of the Empower Me program here. I am so lonely, which makes it hard not to be sad. I have lots of hobbies, so I do keep busy. …how long does it take to start to feel better? I still cry every day, even though it is not as much as before. I don’t know what else I can do. Feeling stuck in the sadness.

    • Devestated

      Right months is not long. I’m 11 months out from D-Day and it’s better but, my self esteem took a beating. Take it day by day. Find the good things in your life and cling to them. Are you working to get back together eventually or just testing the waters to see if either of you want to be together? Either way, it takes time. It is a sad time. Allow yourself time to heal. Take this time to find out what you really want and if it’s him, and he’s willing to work on it, fight for it. Good luck. I’m praying for you.

    • Lynn R.

      I’ve been reeling for many years trying to permanently end an emotional affair with a man I knew when I was in my 20s (in my 40s now). I’ve been married many yrs with two children. This on again off again agony with the AP has made life incredibly painful and confusing. I want it to be over. I recently blocked him without notice on our last social media connection platform, after a short time of re-engagement of the affair. Was this an OK way to rid him from my life? I keep reading elsewhere that blocking is just childish, but I’m not finding anything in this context of long-term AP (and I hate that I care at this point) . I’ve been reading that there’s supposed to be a closure conversation but why? Makes me feel like I’ll look like I can’t let go, to send anything. Plus I’ve already had this talk w/him in small chunks over the years. Thank you for any wisdom you might be able to share.

      • Tryingtogetover

        I say bravo for cutting it off and ending it for good. That was the adult thing to do. Work on healing your marriage. Don’t put another drop of energy into trying to “close” the torture of the affair.

      • TryingHard

        Lynn R–There is no such thing as “closure”. All your “closure” does is reopen the door. Just stop. Blocking is not childish. It’s an instrument. You don’t care, he’s a habit, a very bad habit and a fantasy for you. Find something more constructive for YOU to do with your time. Whatever that may be such as taking a class, volunteering at school or senior citizen center, join a gym whatever it is you interested in just stop fantasizing and pretending with this phantom “lover”. It’s pointless and a complete waste of time.

    • Devestated

      I just came face to face with my husband’s EAP. I looked her right in the eye and she turned away. She looks older than she is. She looks miserable and I have to say, I’m glad to see it. Someday, I will forgive but, not today.

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