microphone Once again it’s our monthly feature where our discussion is completely open to whatever you want to talk about.   So far these ‘Open Mic’ discussions have been quite popular and for that, we thank you!

This is Open Mic #9 and we hope that there are some things that are going on that you can share with everyone.

So…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • Have any successes to share? Big or small.
  • Got a question?  Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • Summer is here…Any good vacations planned?
  • Is California Chrome going to win the Triple Crown?
  • Any suggestions for future topics?

Please don’t be shy.  If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

 

See also  Discussion: What Efforts Are You Making to Save Your Marriage?

    61 replies to "Open “Mic” Discussion #9"

    • counselorswife

      I need help in moving ahead. 4+ months after D-day with no spousal support. I’ve begun to repair myself and the myths of the affair, but am reluctant to now accept the support from my husband. Why do I feel “too little too late?”

      • Jeddy

        I’m just over 5 months and after 4 months of thinking we could reconcile (he wants to and is doing the right things for the most part), I’m starting to feel like Im not so sure. Like he did too much much damage. I’m very surprised, especially after all the hysterical bonding. Today, I feel nothing for him. Too little too late for me too, maybe? I’m not sure. But I’m stuck legally and financially – and if I’d known about the affair at the time, I would not be in this position, id be back home starting over 12 months ago. So I feel very controlled and used. And pissed off.

        • tryinghard

          Counselor Wife and Jeddy

          What you are feeling is totally normal and it is also important to know it’s a stage but a stage that will repeat itself. You need to really look and dissect why YOU are choosing to stay in the marriage after all the betrayal.

          I know many stay for their children and that’s admirable but it cannot be the only reason. You husband may be a SOB of a husband but maybe they have good qualities as a father??? If you are staying for the sake of the children I hope you are also preparing yourself both emotionally and financially to exit the marriage as soon as your children are of age and can make a decision where they want to live. I can’t imagine living with someone and faking love and caring for an eternity just for the “children’s sake”. I also hope you are getting professional help in dealing with your decisions.

          As for staying for legal and financial reasons that is no less relevant than staying for the sake of the children. My sons are grown and if my H and I part it has NO bearing on their lives EXCEPT they would have no jobs. A divorce would decimate our business. This was certainly a part of the reason to reconcile but not the only. I have though made sure that I am preparing myself both legally and financially that should anything else happen I am prepared to walk and still be safe.

          I really believe you have to break this situation up into chunks and deal with each one the best way you can. Look at your legal and financial situation and set things up so you won’t be hurt or even better at an advantage. Emotionally you have to list all the hurts and betrayals that are preventing you from moving on. You cannot deal with this whole boulder of a problem as a whole.

          I had so much to deal with financial, legal, emotional, the physical aspect of the affair. Just when I thought I was dealing another part of the affair would occur to me and I’d be pissed all over again. Some may call it dwelling but it’s really just processing all the info. When we get it all at once it’s just too much to process so it takes time. FYI, I’m 3 years out and still processing some of it. Mostly I’ve dealt with the big stuff though.

          But most empowering ladies is to get control of you legal and financial situation. That is the scariest part for most of us when our husbands are mostly in charge and responsible for in the marriage. If you’re not working, get a job. I don’t care what it is, get a job, get out of the house. At the very least volunteer somewhere. A children’s hospital is a great place to start. Next get your own checking account with only your name on it and start putting funds aside for yourself “just in case”. When you feel empowered and less a victim you begin to process the truth in much more rational way.

          You can do it. I know you can. Be smart and read everything you can get your hands on. You don’t like reading, books on tape. Just don’t ignore it and think it’s going to go away or get better with time because it won’t unless you are doing something about it. Your husband can be doing everything in his power to help you but if you don’t empower yourself nothing he does will make any difference.

          You both hang in there and just know no matter what you decide you are going to be ok. Your husbands not so much.

        • counselorswife

          Jeddy- looks like we have similar situations. The affair was short, but deep seeded. I’m still a bit shocked since there was no warning of anything wrong between us. I’m in a better place now with the blame game, but find it very hard to forget some very hurtful comments in the beginning. Funny, that’s one thing that I haven’t received, an apology or acknowledgement that he was not in the right place when those things were said.
          I have taken the high road- approached everything with grace and integrity plus compassion and understanding. Looking back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I have definitely been the “adult” in this situation.

      • Strengthrequired

        Counselorswife, if your h has given up his ap, and is trying to work on the marriage then let him prove it to you. Have you tried to go out on some dates, and maybe even look over some old photos and remember, what you fell inlove with each other in the first place. This is till very fresh for you, the pain is still very real, even I sometimes wonder wth am I doing still being here, yet I can’t deny the love I have for my h, so I believe he is still worth working on saving our marriage and making it so much better than what it was. I have backed off a bit, and now expecting my h to prove himself, so I can start feeling and seeing his old self again, me not the stranger that took over him.

        • counselorswife

          Strengthrequired-
          Thanks for the support- yes, we started some of those things too early in the process while he was still in the fog. I was nothing and she was everything. He got away for a weekend and came back more focused and claims that he is ready to support me. The 4 months of carrying everything- house, kids, full time job, etc has left me physically in bad shape. Surgery scheduled for next week. Hard to believe that I am here and very reluctant to receive what I have been praying for- his support and love. Agree with backing off- it has helped be get my strength back too.

          • Strengthrequired

            Counselorswife, all the best for your surgery. I hope it isn’t too serious.
            We too went out on dates early on, yet my h was still in the fog too, really his head dint come out of his ass until approx 14months after dday.
            I hate knowing that, and knowing that there wasn’t anything I could do, to get his head out of his ass,he had to remove it himself.
            Ii hate what his affair did to us, yet maybe it was a wake up call for the both of us, to start focusing on us and our marriage. Let’s see if my h is able to now.

    • Strengthrequired

      That’s one of the worst things about being a wife of a ch. if you are a stay at home mum, raising the children, while he goes out and makes the money, we don’t end up with the money that we can fall back on when we are faced with possible divorce. We also don’t have paid income and due to being a stay at home mum, we eventually find out we are lacking the “new skills” employers end up wanting, whether we have experience or not, we have to start all over again.
      That is what makes it even more of a betrayal, because we were supposed to be a team, one work, one raise the children, then he bails when the going gets tough, and we end up scrambling to possibly face the future where we now have to figure out how we are going to look after our children, pay the bills when the funds just aren’t there. Yet our ch were so happy with their so called new love, while try and understand what we are going to do.

    • Strengthrequired

      Jeddy, I was thinking about the hysterical bonding, after the ea comes out. I was actually surprised about experiencing it, I thought I would have turned off him, yet I didn’t, it was like I had to prove to him that I loved him, it was so strange.
      Yet when you go through it, and they still keep chasing after the ow, it does end up affecting how you see them. You do feel used and I know I even felt somewhat disgusted with myself, due to the hysterical bonding and him still not giving his ap up. By the time he did, I sort of felt somewhat disconnected, yet I still did love him and felt as though I needed to continue to work on my marriage, especially for the sake of our children. I definitely didn’t want her to end up anywhere her my children.

      • forcryin'outloud

        Sr- I have to agree with you on the OW NEVER getting near my child. I would not do well with a skank as a step monster for my child. Plus I remember Dr. Phil saying when you get a divorce you give the courts the right to decide how your child will be parented. That stuck with me.

        • Strengthrequired

          Fcol, definately, you end up having to let the ap see the children if you end up divorcing and she remains with the cs, for me, just the thought if her near my then one year old, now three year old, made me want to be sick.

    • Rachel

      Felt discusted as well strength . What a waste of time.

    • Strengthrequired

      Rachel,I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’m glad I know we are normal, honestly I thought I must have been the only one with the hysterical bonding. I didn’t even know it had a name. Lol

    • gizfield

      I’m so glad others on here understand that you can stay married mainly for your children cause thats what I did. I do not regret it, it is the only thing that made it worthwhile. My original reaction was that I would never even speak to this asshole when he told me he’d been messing around and wanted a divorce. The next day I reconsidered when I realized my daughter would possibly be raised by a whore. I didnt know who she was for almost a year, the disadvantage of the adultery being revealed by your spouse instead of discovered. I had no true idea of HOW nasty this slut was.

      I cannot stand the thought of my child being shuffled around between parents, living two separate lives, and being exposed to trash. Through no fault of her own. Plus, she would be away from me so much, and on important occassions. They’re all important to me. A lady I know, her husband moved far away after they divorced. The court has now ordered her son to visit the ex for SIX weeks this summer. I would die.

    • gizfield

      I cannot stand the thought of my parenting decisions being made by a court. I get really pissed off every time I think of my husband attempting to bring this skag into my daughter’s life. She has a daughter, who she dragged across the country from Tennessee to California so she could shack out with a pilot. He later threw her out for confessing to being a “call girl”. Yet, he was going to date this slut around my kid. Incredible. And she wonders why her kid us in psychotherapy and remedial school. And stays out all night. All because of her whoring momma. No mystery there.

    • gizfield

      I cannot imagine how bad an effect a divorce would have on my girl. Shes very sweet, and very sensitive. She is 10 years old now, and people think she looks about 15. Pretty, 5 feet, 100 pounds. She has her period and actual miniature breasts. The last thing she needs would be to be raised by that slut. I shudder to even think of it.

      • tryinghard

        Giz

        Please don’t take offense at what I said. Of course there are gray areas and people stay in relationships for a multitude of valid reasons. I am only saying if you are in a relationship ONLY for the children’s sake and you can’t stand your partner whatsoever any more, plan ahead for your POSSIBLE exit strategy. I entered into a business relationship without a possible change of mind with my partner and it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my life. I trusted her too much. I trusted her word. Big mistake. Through all this I’ve learned that this is an all too possible instance that can happen. Staying in a marriage only for the children does not build a marriage, I don’t care if you’ve had infidelity or not. It’s part of taking care of YOUR best interest.

        There’s nothing wrong with putting your own ego aside and doing something that will benefit your children or even your own financial or legal situation but I still believe in empowering yourself as a person is imperative to any kind of healing regardless if you stay in the marriage or divorce.

        Who knows maybe staying in the marriage for the children you can even build a new better relationship with your mate but this doesn’t always happen. The infidelity has certainly given plenty of reason for the BS to plan ahead and be smart.

    • Gizfield

      My thoughts may sound a little contradictory, but life is more gray than black and white. I dont stay in my marriage SOLELY for my child but it is a huge deciding factor. I have a good life. That said, I would not have stayed with my cheater if we did not have a family together. So, yes, my FAMILY is more important to me than my marriage. The marriage is part of my family. I dont think I’m a martyr or saint or anything like that but it’s the right decision for me. And all of us really.

    • Gizfield

      Oops, let me clarity that by “”all of us” I mean my husband, daughter, and self. Not anyone on here. I believe my husband would be a screwed up mess if I left him, too, lol. He has finally become the father he needs to be, and that really is the only vaguely beneficial thing to come out of this garbage. Unfortunately I had to show him how it would be to lose his family before he could appreciate it properly.

    • Gizfield

      Thank you, Trying ! I was not offended by what you said at all. Hope I didnt sound that way.

      I didnt really adress how I feel about my husband. Do I love him? I do. In my own Special Way. Not unconditionally or in a starry eyed way. I enjoy his company and think he is basically a good person. We do have a lot of fun and have the same outlook and values. I realize a lot of factors were involved in his decision to cheat. Mid life crisis, low self esteem, lousy family background. Doesnt excuse it, but I do understand it which is good enough I guess.

    • Gizfield

      I totally agree with what trying hard said about protecting yourself financially. My first husband, the alcoholic, quit working for three years before he died, and devastated me financially. My current husband and I have completely separate accounts. We agree on who pays what. it works out great. My meddling friends gave me grief about this when we first married. They took it as a sign I did not trust him. I said Go through this yourself and you will see what I’m talking about. Plus, it’s hard enuff with one person on a checking account, much less two.

    • Gizfield

      Ok, change of topic. Does anyone else have a Celebrity Cheater that they are fond of watching. ? Mine is LeAnn Rimes. That girl is just such a hot mess. I google her every now and then to see what wacky behavior she is up to, and she never disappoints. It’s also educational because it shows what goes on in the Cheater mind. For example, LeAnn has a total Disconnect between her BEHAVIOR and its CONSEQUENCES. I also saw a story about Tori Spelling and Dylan something or other. I read an article by his ex on Deceptionology that was very good. Both stories, the women are more well known than the men. Also, both exes are more attractive than LeAnn or Tori. And the men seem to be the ones who cheat again. interesting similarities.

    • tryinghard

      Giz

      LOL! One day I had a TON of ironing to do and I found that Tori Spelling show about her whoever husband cheating on her. It was compelling to watch as in watching train wreck kind of way. But it sure made the ironing go faster!

      I found out that she was the OW when she and Dylan met and so I found it even funnier watching her be in so much anguish and all the “I know it was wrong to cheat, but I really believed we were SOULMATES” I.swear.to.God that is what the woman said!!!! Is there some sort of Cheaters Handbook where they get all these cliches??? Loved, LOVED seeing her suffer. Can’t say I’ve tuned in since but I don’t have any more ironing to do!

      • Exercisegrace

        And for those contemplating a tatoo for their cheater, apparently having “Tori’s” tatted above his unit didn’t stop him or his whore. Ha ha! Karma bus may run late, but it ALWAYS shows up eventually.

    • theresa

      i posted this quote recently, forget where, but it fits us to a tee.
      It’s from the tv show “Criminal Minds”. In closing Spencer refers to this,

      “we have to be willing to give up the future we planned in order to have the future that waits for us”.
      Joseph Campbell (I think)

      So the betrayal is in the books. At the point of revelation, or discovery, we are forced to reevaluate our life, our goals, our wishes, our dreams. Nothing can remain the same. We have been forced to make “adjustments”. Regardless of our decision at this point, stay or go, and the reasons we use to make the decision, it’s not what we planned. We may makes some very unpalatable concessions, even some that we feel are betraying ourselves, but there can be an end. And a new beginning, with a different end.

      I we decide to go, the new dream starts now. If some of your reasons to stay were transitional, (kids, money) once they no longer apply, our dreams are for ourselves. Now we must evaluate whether elements will help us to attain our new dream or impede it. Now the reason to stay or go is truly for ourselves. We decide who to share it with. We can make new dreams.
      And given the lessons learned, the decisions are probably more realistic. i have lost the love fog. My decisions are less clouded, and sadly more clinical.
      At my beginning I read Peggy Vaughn’s amazing story. But I felt it was a sad story, almost emotionless. More like a business contract.
      Not anymore.
      This was their shared dream, their commitment to each other for their relationship. What they acknowledged they needed to do to stay together.
      What she needed to do to stay truthful to herself.

    • Gizfield

      I dont iron either, Trying, lol. Tori really is clueless. I remember her from 90210 and a sitcom she had about ten years ago. Had no idea she was a cheater. They were both married st the time. Dylan had a little boy and he and his wife had just adopted a baby. The story the wife wrote was very sad. He is a cold grated snake. I also just saw Tori is down to 1.5 million dollars, which is probably like a quarter to her. Like I said, it’s very educational to see how messed up cheaters really are.

    • Gizfield

      Oops, cold hearted snake, lol.

    • Gizfield

      Oh, ugh, EG that one about the tattoo cracked me up. About choked on some food. I am soooo glad I am not a celebrity.

    • Saw the Light

      Giz, you will always be a celebrity in my eyes!! No really, I’m with you, I can’t imagine anything worse than having everything you do watched by the masses, no privacy, no ability to just be, you have to always be ‘on’ and looking good. Oh wait, maybe that’s why I’m NOT a celebrity. Haha.

    • Gizfield

      Thanks, STL!

    • Gizfield

      I’m curious. Has anyone on here been married before, or is it your first marriage? I was thinking about if it makes your reaction to the infidelity different.

    • Strengthrequired

      Giz, this is my first marriage, been married since 19 yrs old

    • Battleborn

      Giz, I am on marriage #3. I was married to someone who broke my jaw so he & I divorced, wonder.why… My 2 husband died in Kuwait. So this is my 3d marriage. Does it make a difference? Perhaps it did in the beginning but now I don’t think it has anything to do with it. When I first found out I was devastated and thought what was I doing wrong? Marriage #3 is going down the tubes. But once I stepped back and rationalized I could see that the first one was abusive, had to leave that one with my two babies. The second, well there was nothing I could do about it, it happened but not because of me. So the third time is different. Yes he broke my heart, destroyed my trust in him but there was something different this time.

      To be perfectly honest, my h and I are living together in one home with our daughter but we are not what most people would think of a conventional marriage. We hang out together and do some crazy things, but I have learned that I have to be the one who makes myself happy, not him. If my happy includes him, great. But if it doesn’t, oh well.

      So to answer your question, I do think being married previously makes an affair a bit different.

    • Gizfield

      thank you, Battle Born. I’m very sorry to hear of your experiences. My first husband was an alcoholic, and abusive as well. He never broke anything on me, but knocked me around pretty good sometimes. He died in 1999,.and I seldom think of him because it just confuses me. It’s like I dont remember HIM, but I do remember the things he DID.

      He never committed adultery that I know of but it’s possible he did. I do know that when my current husband acted in his creepy, disgusting affair manner it is like husband number one is standing right there in his place. Lying, yelling, name calling. He even says some of the same things. I have the exact same feeling. It is just horrible, but I’m sure you know that already

    • Gizfield

      I will say that I think my first marriage took just about all of the”fight” out of me. It made it very difficult to confront him, or pretty much anybody, lol, on his behavior. I would do just about anything I could to keep the peace. So I let stuff slide that I shouldn’t have. I’m better now, at least.

    • Flowergirl

      Theresa
      Our marriage counselor said the marriage you new is dead. You have to create a new one! Easy to say but I have 20 years of history and memories. In someone ways we do have to start over at least forgive so we can have some sort of life. My future is different and one I never planned for but life throws curve balls at us. I do know that everytime I analyze the affair, the events of that time, the past… I end up sad, confused and angry. I have to Make myself focus on a new future, one with a partner who will never look the same to me. I’m no longer wearing rose colored glasses. I am a realist now and working on drawing new lines in the sand on what will never be acceptable again!

    • Gizfield

      Flowergirl, did the counselor explain exactly what she meant by a “new marriage”? I see this term thrown around a lot, but haven’t seen much on what this consists of. Most statistics I’ve seen say that 50-60% of cheaters are happy in their marriage. Even those who aren’t seem to develop the unhappiness fairly quickly. I just dont understand why these counselors want people to discard a good long term relationship because one partner made a short term bad choice. It’s like they make the affair more important than the marriage, and it is NOT.

    • theresa

      i think this is where the type of affair, when it occurred, how long did it last, was it once, twice….., the level of commitment by the cheater, and whether the betrayed is willing to make that leap of faith and trust the cheater with your heart, again.
      I found comfort in knowing i was in such a large group that shared my perspective. So many unbelievable similarities, yet all so different.
      Here’s the thing. There is soooo much work the betrayed must do. There is no universal course of action. We have to sift through the overwhelming abundance of information, from sooo many different sources. So, what do I do? Who do I turn to? Who do I trust? What can I live with?
      The most important step is to ask is where did “me” go?
      (This is the one that is so painful for me. I have to be brutally honest when doing my self examination, and I don’t always like what I see in the mirror.)
      I am sceptical (with a few exceptions) of professional sources. From stories I’ve heard they bring a lot of personal bias into the mix.
      I make decisions based on more than one source.
      This, right here, is the only source I trust 100%. We are not dogmatic. We give suggestions based on personal experience, and our own searches for clarity. We empathize, we root for each other, unconditionally.
      And again, from the stories, I can not believe some of the just plain stupid crap that counsellors spew using the mantle of professional opinion.
      Nothing remains the same. We can walk or stay. WE decide what we can live with. We work toward that goal. It can be better, acceptable or gone. But never again the same.

      We loved, we trusted, we lost in the past. We can still win in the future

    • Strengthrequired

      I was reading up on shania twaine and how her husband cheated on her with her best friend. Now her cs definately affaired down. It was the best friends husband that went and told shania of his wife’s affair with her husband. They helped each other through the trauma and ended up marrying each other.

      • Rachel

        Wow strength I didn’t know that !!!!
        My new man was also left by his wife of 27 years. He got the house and his two girls 24 & 20 live with him.
        It is nice that we get each others pain.
        In the past I have said that we are misfits. But we aren’t. We are the lucky ones!!
        Both ex’s are miserable!!!!!!
        Thae grass really isn’t greener on the other side!!
        I read once and keep in my head, God removes someone for a reason, don’t chase after them.

    • Strengthrequired

      Ok all, just wondering do any of you find it hard to think of some then to talk to your h/w about.
      I’m starting to think I am so boring, I used to be able to make conversation with anyone. Had no trouble talking at all, especially when I was working. Yet I used to always ask my h how his day was etc, yet he used to just go ohh yeh it was alright. That would be it. So eventually I stopped asking him, because he didn’t understand why I would ask him about his day, because it was just work.
      So now after only having kids to talk to, and the occasional mature aged person, and having most of my time around the kids, I have become boring. My conversations are boring. How do I compete with the excitement of keeping my h interested in talking to me, since he had so much to talk about with his it.
      Talking about the kids, home, and asking about work, just seems to be the same thing,over and over again, even while we are apart, it just doesn’t seem interesting enough for him.
      It’s like I try and try to think of something to talk about,
      Our conversation last upto about 10 mins, before he,or,I are ready to say goodbye over the phone.

    • Gizfield

      Strength, YOU ARE NOT BORING!! You are one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest people on here. In my opinion, talking is one of the most overrated activities there is. I’m surrounded by people all day, and the most boring ones are those who talk continuously. My own brother is one of these. I really can’t have a conversation with him cause it’s just basically him talking. Most of the time people who talk a lot are doing it for some sort of ego gratification. Like, look, I’m so smart, or interesting, or funny, blah, blah ,blah.

      I don’t find much to say on the phone to my husband either. Probably cause I’m with him all the time except at work. He seems to be mostly interested in himself anyway, lol.

      My suggestion would be to read an interesting book. If you have a Kindle you don’t even have to leave your house. Or download the app on your phone or computer. A classic would be good. They can be slow going so you might enjoy something more contemporary. I recommend two books called The Traveler’s Gift or The Noticer by Andy Andrews. If you haven’t read it, I also love Five People You Meet in Heaven. Just pick out something and get started on it. There is an entire world waiting for you. I sound like an English teacher, lol. I hope you have a wonderful day 🙂

    • Gizfield

      Oh, this is funny. My aunt is going to be 94 today. They are having a big party for her Saturday. She is one of the most interesting people I know. Plays games, goes on trips, very active. When you call her, she will ask you how you are, tell you how she is, then it’s “it was good talking to you. Talk to you again soon.” No filler at all. It’s great, I love it. The entire conversation is about three minutes.

      • Strengthrequired

        Thanks giz, I think I am still comparing myself to “it”, I’m not sure why, she seemed to be able to keep him interested for hours on end several times a day, then see him everyday and still be able to keep him interested, for over a year. Yet here I am, battle even getting a descent conversation out of him most of the time, unless we talk about the move, what we need to do for the kids, or work, then it’s nothing. I just really feel uninteresting to him. You know, I like to hear about his day, how things are going etc, yet sometimes it is like pulling teeth out trying to get him to talk. Here we are apart most of the week, and we get a five minute conversation if that, before he is practically making excuses for himself to get off the phone, or I’m stuck trying to find something else to talk about.
        I told him, how are we going to make our marriage work, if we can’t even hold a conversation without the other trying to get off the phone.
        If he hadn’t of made me feel like she was so much better than me, at everything, like a better mother, house keeper, better looking, more interesting, better cook, and ohh let’s not forget how wonderful she was a t being a wife to her husband and he treated her badly, then how she looks after him, etc, then I wouldn’t be trying to keep up trying to keep myself appealing to him.
        How do you measure up to someone that was able to keep your own husband panting for more?
        I’m just not sure, I can measure up to what she brought into his life

    • Gizfield

      Strength, I will be so glad when you see this woman for what she really is. There is nothing glamourous about being a common slimy whore. One year is not a long time to keep someone’s attention compared to twenty years. I’m not sure what is going on with him. You represent maturity, whereas she represents immaturity. That is what cheaters run to in order to soothe their low self esteem and guilt.

    • Gizfield

      Strength, next time you become stressed over cousin it, try this. Think of a woman you admire and respect. Marie Curie, mother theresa, michelle obama, who knows. Good role models are hard to find, lol. Then imagine them dating while they are married. Eeeew. They are dating their cousin. They have sex with him while he is drunk. Now apply this disgust to cousin it. eeeew.not a pretty sight. On anyone. A tree is known by it’s fruit.

    • Strengthrequired

      Giz, thanks for that, I do know one year isn’t that long compared to 20, yet it’s the principal of it, it’s the fact he could find something to talk about with her all the time, and he kept wanting to go back for more every time there was a chance.
      I do know how slimy she is, yet I can’t help but remember all the things he compared me to her with at the beginning of his ea and several months into it.. I do realise it was just a phase, and him as well as her trying to make themselves out to be wonderful etc, yet when I see that he struggles to keep interested when talking to me, especially when we aren’t even together, I think how can we make it.
      I am worried that eventually things are going to go back to being non existent in his life, because our conversations lack excitement.

    • Gizfield

      Strength, if a successful marriage depends on exciting conversation I imagine most of us are in trouble lol. that is not what leads to longtime marriage success. In my opinion at least. They are basically saying nice things to each other so that they will get the same echoed back to them. that said, I know exactly how you feel. I read emails from my husband to his whore, I could talk to you forever, til the phones go dead, I’ll have to cut off my texting fingers if I can’t text you. blah, blah, blah. Makes me want to puke. But you know the truth if it is, they can say it without having to do it. he just wanted a place to blab about how horrible his life and me were, without the pesky explanations most people want of why you dont leave if you are so miserable, unhappy, blah, blah, blah. I wish I could be a Vengeance Demon like Anya ??? ( Spelling) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer I would sentence the two whores to eternal nonstop texting and talking. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?

    • Gizfield

      Oh, I think Strength, that you are putting too much emphasis on these phone conversations, which is making you nervous. Which probably makes him nervous. Instead of trying to extend it, why dont you shorten it, at least some of the time. Like my aunt just some casual conservation, I’m fine, how are you? Then say Have a great night, I’ll let you go. like me, you are not a gameplayer but there are entire books on stuff like this that game playing women use. Which sounds exactly like what Cousin It is. make yourself scarce and they think they are getting a prize . At least til they unwrap it, and see the ugliness inside. At least think about it, ok?

      • Strengthrequired

        Giz, thanks, giving me a new perspective to think about. My h knows he doesn’t have to woe me, he had to woe her and her him, so of course they we going to make themselves sound interesting and appealing to the naked eye. I certainly don’t want to be anything like her, I have self control and dignity as well as morals, yet I know you understand how I feel, just wanting to feel like you are interesting to your cs, not just comfortable.

    • gizfield

      I’m glad, SR. I remember a couple of years ago my h and I were watching a Twilight Zone Marathon on July 4. I said something and he kind of snapped at me, like I’m TRYING to watch this. I felt like I’d been slapped or something. All that I’d talk to you til the phone lines went dead, etc. that he had said to her flooded into my mind. Then I thought to myself, if she were sitting here in my exact spot and he’d been hearing her for 13 years he would be saying the Exact Same Thing to her. Guaranteed. These broads are NOT anything special. If they were, they wouldn’t be the sidewhores.

      • Strengthrequired

        I like that giz, sidewhores. Well she was pretty happy to have my left overs that’s for sure. Your right too about if they were sitting in iur place they would be copping all the flack we are. They aren’t any more special, I know that, I do. Just always wanted to be the one my h focused his attention on, and always wanted to talk to and listen to, and always give his heart and love only to. Idiots, why they do the things they do, when they know that it can hurt their marriage and spouse, I don’t know.

    • gizfield

      By the way, I HATE to talk on the phone now. I haven’t much liked it since my first marriage when my husband was drunk, talking on the phone for hours to anyone who would listen. It’s my aunt’ s 94th birthday and my brother is in the hospital with an infection so I need to call them both and I’m not sure I can force myself to do it. All the yapping my husband did with his whore completely turned me off telephone conversations. Weird, right.?

      • Strengthrequired

        Giz, the only person I call or message is my h. I would prefer to not even hear the phone at home, so I unplugged it. It was unplugged for like a month then my son plugged it back in yesterday and had to tell me the phone was unplugged, that one of the younger kids must have unplugged it. Lol. Of course I told hm that I did, because I didn’t want to hear it. He gave me an ear bashing, like what if dad calls, what if I call, what if nan and Aunty calls and it’s unplugged. I just said, they have my mobile. Lol
        I honestly get so sick of the phone, and have no interest at all to talk to anyone except my h.
        Don’t you think that is strange, here I am complaining about my h not wanting to talk much to me on the phone, yet he is the only one I want to talk to. Go figure.

    • Rachel

      Not at all giz, not at all.
      All, one down one to go. Saw the ex at awards night. Looks really old. He use to blame me for his gray hair. Can’t be me now!!!
      Never made eye contact. Just another face on the bus!!!

      • Strengthrequired

        Rachel, good on you. Knew you would be ok. It’s funny how they like to blame us for things, then they just look worse when they aren’t with us.
        Just remember, he did this to himself. He wanted a life as a man that wanted to live a single life with no responsibilities, he got it. He just didn’t expect it to be as bad as it is, now that he is living it.

    • Gizfield

      Yay, Rachel, I was betting he might look worse for the wear. Lol. It’s hard to believe you have been divorced since September. Time does fly I guess.

      Strength, I did make my calls. Aunt, 4 min 40 secs. Yeay! Brother, 26 min 59 secs. I was only able to make it that short cause a medical worker came in. He would have talked all night.

      We don’t have a home phone. When the husband went awhoring, he transferred the home number to a new cell so honey bunny could call or text anytime. I only have a cell. Smartphone, which I use for my texting and internet needs. I don’t even want to talk to the husband on the phone. We do text in the morning and afternoon while I am at work. I’m very anti social, lol.

      • Strengthrequired

        I have turned anti social, lol giz. I used to love meeting hew people, having really good conversations. Yet I think after being a stay at home mum for over ten years, I have lost that part of me. Just got worse after my h having a wonderful time chasing after his “scrubber”. Gee I haven’t used that word for a very long time.
        I’m glad you made those calls. Good on you

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