Hello Everybody!

Linda and I have read many comments and have mentored several individuals lately where the issue of the cheating spouse not ending the affair is a real ongoing problem. We’re sure that there are many more people that visit this site and other sites that have the same problem but are just not speaking out about it.

Statistics from Google on search terms verify that several thousand searches are performed each day that are related to this tough issue.

But how can you get the cheating spouse to stop the affair? Experts vary in their opinions on this. Some say that you cannot get them to stop, while others say that you can by giving ultimatums, separating, or even filing for divorce (but not necessarily going through with it).

What we’d like to do today is gather as much advice, success stories or suggestions as possible to help those readers who might be experiencing this painful problem. This subject has been discussed quite often in the comments and on a few of our posts, but we wanted to bring it even more to the forefront for those who may have missed this information previously.

With this in mind, here are some questions to consider:

What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to stop the affair?

As the betrayed spouse, is there anything that you can do to help this process along?

What advice would you give to the betrayed whose spouse won’t end their affair?

Lets try to get as many ideas as possible to help others!

See also  Discussion: Letting Go After the Affair

As always, please respond to each other in the comments.

Thanks!

Doug & Linda

    63 replies to "Discussion: Getting Them To Stop the Affair"

    • B

      I’ve posted numerous times on this site and never really made myself clear. I know my wife is having some sort of affair, but we have technically never had a D-Day. She has admitted to taking a “friendship” to far, but always insisted that I had nothing to worry about. Since I’ve been working on myself, I’ve stopped checking her phone and asking questions, but I have a real problem. This morning I woke up and after a nightmare (one I have frequently) I decided to look at her phone. On Monday she was at a charity golf outing (with him) and I see that the two of them called back and forth numerous times. The one that really bothered me was at 9:00 pm and after that conversation she called me to say she was on her way home. Yesterday they called back and forth atleast 7 times. Now she maintains that all they talk about is work, but at 9:00 at night after you have been drinking and the work day is long done, I don’t know what sort of business you could be discussing, especially when you work for competing companies. The bottom line is this, she refuses to stop communicating with him because she swears they are just friends and that she loves me. But you’ll notice a pattern on her phone, which is her first calls are always to him and her next calls are always to me. So in a way, I am playing second fiddle. Now I just don’t know what to do because until she admits to her wrongdoing, nothing can be fixed. I can’t force her to stop and anytime I bring it up we argue. She told me last night she has no desire to cheat on me and that they only talk about work. I want to confront her about what I saw on her phone, but it will do no good. I think I’m going to go out today and buy a voice activated recorder to hide in her car so I can get a glimpse into what they actualy say to each other since I don’t trust her. Oh and one humorous note, I found out that this 25 year old perfect man still lives at home with his parents. That kind of made me chuckle because all these OP’s running around wrecking homes who are thought to be so perfect, have some blatant loser characteristics that our spouses just seem to ignore. I don’t want to record her conversations, but for my own sanity I think it is time.

    • B

      Let me also say on a side note how sad and pathetic I think my life has become that this website is the first one I visit each morning. I used to think of it as therapy, but it really is sad that I feel the need to check it and post each morning. It has nothing to do with Doug/Linda or any of the posters, because you all are great people. I just remember a time in my marriage where coming to sites like this were unthinkable. Now it seems almost necessary.

    • Roller coaster rider

      I know what you mean, B, it’s almost like a compulsion to see what is going on and whether there might be something someone posts today that might help. I think you are right about fnding out what is really being said by your wife because it’s the rare CS that just “outs” him or herself. Most of the time, just as in addiction, there will be denial upon denial. I “felt” something was wrong in my marriage and I KNEW something was wrong with my spouse, but I asked him directly on two different occasions several months apart if there was someone else, and he said no. Maybe it’s easier for a person in an EA to lie to themselves, but in our case it was both emotional and physical and by the time we got to D-day my H really was getting sick of his choices and deception. Maybe that’s the key…if it isn’t something they want to end, will they? I just knew I wasn’t having any part of it, and as my H began to let me in on what had been going on for 5 months, I did some things instinctively (or maybe with divine assistance)… Things like telling him to call the OW with me in the room to let her know I knew about it. Telling him that he would need to tell our four adult children, because I knew I couldn’t pretend everything was fine. Telling him I wanted a legal separation and property settlement agreement. Etc. And now, however many weeks later (it’s weird, I stopped counting, that’s how much things have changed) we are really moving forward. Did I have horrible days and nights, terrible thoughts, unbelievable pain? YES, and I still have ramifications but I also have a hope I haven’t ever had before for our communication and intimacy. A lot of the issues we brought with us into our relationship when it started back in 1971 are being healed (yes, I really am old as dirt). I guess I would just want to say to all the BSs that you must do what’s best for you and stop letting the cheater determine what you do and how you think about yourself. As the faithful partner, you are the sane one and you have to be the one making decisions rather than letting lies run your life and direct your thoughts.

      • Paula

        Spot on!

        My situation was similar, I “knew” something was up, kept asking him if everything was okay, if we needed to talk to someone, if he was so unhappy should we separate, his reply, no, we’ll be fine, etc. I also stumbled right into their affair on a couple of occasions, but he was able to talk his way out of it – even he can’t believe what an accomplished liar he became. OW was a good friend of both or ours, so explanations always seemed so feasible, and, of course, this was the love of my life, the person I trusted most in the world. I was naive and believed every explanation, however, when I started to get very suspicious, 15 months after they first slept together, as it turns out, I asked his best mate for coffee, and asked him outright if he knew anything, and he said no way, and arranged to have a boys’ night with my H to see if he could find anything out. H was so good, he even convinced his best mate he wasn’t doing anything. Turns out, I had figured it out, but about a couple of weeks or so after he had ended it with her. She had started blackmailing him into continuing for about 6 months, he was trying to edge his way out of it, cancelling hook-up times, saying he couldn’t make it, encouraging her to see other people (she’s single), etc. He eventually gave her an end date, crazy, huh, and they did stop seeing each other, but after a while, she thought “she needs to know” and told me via text, her little tantrum about not snaring this lovely, sexy, caring, good father (she has a little son, to a guy she tricked into fathering him – stealing sperm from a used condom after sex – who has nothing to do with her or her son.)

        There are still times I wish I never knew, that it was a spiteful and selfish thing for her to do, obviously the affair was, but why did “I need to know?” It wasn’t done with any care for me, as she has refused to talk/meet with me, even though I’ve made it clear to her that I would have loved to, and that I don’t blame her, or want to reprimand her, just want to clear the air, but she refuses to help me heal, which is no surprise really. It’s taken me two years, but I’ve finally let go of the need to talk with her, I just had so many questions about what was it I did to her that made it okay to rip my heart out of my chest and jump up and down on it, when I was so supportive of her and her son? However, I know that it is best that I do know, and we have been able to deal with it. My darling H is dumbfounded he was so stupid to let the male midlife crisis hit him, it is very out of character, but we did have a hell of a lot on our plate at the time, and he wasn’t getting the support he needed from me really, as I was dealing with some anger and hurt about another matter entirely, and he felt he couldn’t burden me further with his problems, enter lovely, outwardly caring, (lol) sexy, seemingly sympathetic female friend!!

        We did separate on two occasions, when I just couldn’t bear the pain and the re-living of every moment, real and imagined, minute after minute (especially the nightmares about them raping me, and laughing about it, etc). I was so down for so long that I attempted to end my life one day, about 18 months ago, only still here because my H sensed something was up and came and found me, just in time. It is shaming to admit that, I have three children that I certainly didn’t want to do that to, but I’m sure some of you have been in that very dark place. The good news is, it does improve, in my case it has been a much longer process than I expected, in fact, it will be on-going, but I am getting there, there is light, and it is brilliant!

    • Roller coaster rider

      P.S. I also changed my H’s cell number, with his permission and actually do look at the phone regularly. My trust occasionally wavers.

      • Saddenned

        That is important too. My H voluntarily changed his cell phone number.

        • Melvin

          With her permission, I had her cell phone blocked from him. That was a key starting point.

          • ruth

            I had her phone block on my husband cell phone too. Guess what, he now calls her at the mall from a pay phone where I cant trace it. Where there is a will there is a way.

    • Saddenned

      With my case, my H was very guilted and told me before I found out. What stopped it, his guilt and his mom. You see, the shoe has been on the other foot for him (in a previous marriage), so he understood what it was like. It was an EA, not a PA, but the pain sometimes feels unsurpassable. Would he have stopped, if I had found out? It is hard to say. I don’t know if he would’ve stopped if I would’ve demanded it. He didn’t admit to it right away after his mom suggested that he talked to me. He did, however; tell me we lived like roommates, which in a sense was partially true, but in the next breath, he said, “I would never cheat on you”. Which did not make sense either. He said the turning point for him was laying in bed with his arms around me after “the talk” and he realized he loved me. The next morning on his way to work, he admitted it. I was heartbroke. It has been more than 11 weeks since D-Day and “the lambs still scream” atleast part of the day now. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it, but I am working on who I am and who we are as a couple and it helps. Good luck to everyone, I don’t check the site daily anymore, because sometimes painful stories bring up triggers, but I am here.

    • B

      I’m here too, and I’m still breathing. Just minutes ago my wife called me and asked me if I was okay and if she needed to stop talking to him because it bothered me. She told me we had a special marriage and that she felt guilty about how I felt. Then in mid conversation as I opened up she began to get angry. This all cma eout of the blue, she seems to all of a sudden be feeling some real remorse ON HER OWN. I have a feeling she might be on the cusp of coming clean. Scary isn’t it……

      • Melvin

        Coming out of the Fog maybe ?

    • Morrigan

      Well, my CS told me about what was going on, I did not find out on my own. He felt badly and said he was very confused, stating he didn’t know what he wanted, but he had not intended for anything to happen with this friend. They had met through a mutual friend and hadn’t known each other very long.

      What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to stop the affair?

      There were 2 turning points that I can think of;
      1st was after a night out drinking together they ended up fighting (from what I have put together it was about me) and she ended up belligerent, yelling, and walking away only to twist her ankle on the curb and falling, resulting in her wanting to go to the ER. He subsequently missed work the next day because she REFUSED to allow anyone else to wait with her in the ER, nor would she accept money from him for a cab ride home after. After 3 or 4 hours waiting, she decided she wanted to be brought to another area hospital to wait again. Mind you, he was calling me the entire time informing me where he was etc. And he asked me to drive to the hospital with extra cash for her which I did, he met me outside, but she refused to let him leave and pay for her cab, she only lived 3 miles from the hospital. He missed work, and has never missed work for me, work is very important to him, he was extremely pissed about this. That day when he got home he sat on the wall in our yard and just said he needed to “refocus, get his life back in the right direction” It was when I believe he started to see what was really going on and the fog was beginning to fade.

      The second time was only a week later, she hit him. He won’t tell me why, he doesn’t talk about any of it much anymore, but I believe there was pressure from her for him to leave me and choose her. But he realized what was at stake at that point. She began digging her own holes, I however, remained hurt, but doing my own thing, yet supportive. As I was the one that backed off and let him figure it all out. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

      As the betrayed spouse, is there anything that you can do to help this process along?

      I’m not sure, one thing I have realized from this site is that everyones circumstances are so different. I guess the best thing to say is that you know your spouse better than anyone, use your instincts in every situation, listen to your gut and follow. There are things I have intentionally tried and they blew up at me, but every time I use my intuition in responding and acting with my spouse it seems the best thing done.

      What advice would you give to the betrayed whose spouse won’t end their affair?

      Sometimes I think the CS needs to know what they are losing. With me it worked to back off and let him figure it out, it made for a very short EA (6-7 weeks) but I don’t know this would work for everyone. Circumstances are all so different. I think my CS was actually reacting to a midlife situation.

    • First comment although I have unfortunately become all to familiar with elements/aspects of emotional affairs. I will first attempt to address the questions posed above and in a second comment ask for some advice that is particular to my present relationship with my wife. My wife fell in love with a man that I had become friends with 4 years earlier (our oldest daughters were the same age and we were in an Adventure Princess group together) and who my wife only began to really get to know at a bad time in our relationship. As far as stopping this EA (they both swear it never got physical and I have several reasons to believe them, notwithstanding current lack of trust with respect to both of them), it appears that it ran its course once the initial infatuation period ended, they began to see that each of them had problematic issues that would no doubt surface if they somehow got together, and they realized how damaging and life changing in a bad way it would be if their affair came to light and they attempted to leave their respective families and begin what would arguably be a very awkward new family. In particular, they realized that they would lose many, many friends (mutual and otherwise) and would no doubt terribly wound their children, perhaps permanently. So they acknowledged many of the inappropriate aspects of their newly established relationship, began discontinuing them, and thereafter attempted somewhat successfully to have a relationship that was more “normal” given that our families interacted fairly often (not after D-day so much) and that the inappropriately acting spouses and the in-the-dark spouses had been and were continuing to be (again, no so much after D-day) friends. What I did as the betrayed spouse to help this process along was actually odd in that, while I suspected that something was going on, and asked about it on several occasions and became more confident that my suspicions were correct given my wife’s reactions (she doesn’t lie very well), instead of trying to prove the existence of the then in effect EA, I focused on improving myself and convinced my wife to go to marraige counseling not because I thought she was involved too much with my “friend”, but because we knew that we were not then as happily married as we had been during previous 15 years and we agreed that to once again become, and remain, happily married would be the best thing for both of us and our girls ages 7 and 10. In my experience, my wife was and continues to be quite defensive in terms of recognizing and acknowledging how harmful becoming too emotionally invested in another man was to our marriage and her own emotional well being (the lies, deception and actions necessary to keep the EA secret began to really affect her self esteem and ability to be happy and interact normally with me and our friends), so doing what was necessary to get her to see that her feelings for my friend were not going to remain as intense for very long and to see that I still had the traits she fell in love with and continued to love and that our marital “problems” were fixable was, in my opinion, the best way get my wife to stop the EA and attempt to re-establish an appropriate relationship with the father of one of my daughters’ friends and husband of a woman that she socialized with and became friends with, surprisingly, after beginning the EA. However, in terms of advice to spouses whose partners are involved in on-going EA’s and refuse to end them, I would say that the proper course of action to take will vary tremendously depending on the personality and family history of their partner, as well as what “problems” exist in the marriage at that time and whether or not the EA is just suspected or D-day has occurred, so what the faithful spouse is to do must be decided on a case-by-case basis (sorry, no magic books or articles here), but utilizing the services of a good marriage counselor is something that I would HIGHLY recommend and the sessions with the counselor should be both individual and with both spouses present so that the suspected/existing EA can be addressed with just one partner present (much easier for unfaithful spouse to address potential EA issues without other spouse present) and the joint counselling sessions can be conducted in a manner that is appropriate given that an EA is suspected/existing.

    • Everyone. Sorry for the long comment above. Will try to keep future ones shorter as they are more easily followed that way.

    • Melvin

      I knew about DW’s EA for weeks before I confronted her. Her Cell phone records confirmed my suspicions after some strange behavior.

      What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to stop the affair? Blocking the Cell Phone. DW and I had re-connected with a date night days earlier, something we hadn’t done together in a long time. I had not confronted her yet. Being alone with her for an entire evening, with the attention focused on her took her mind off of him. With her suggestion, I went to the meeting with her counselor days later , where I confronted her about the EA. We talked for a long time after the meeting. It was then that I gave her an ultimatum – choose him or me. She said she wanted to give us a try. At my suggestion and her concurrence, I had her phone blocked from his number. No texting or phone calls allowed. That was the turning point to ending the EA. Did they communicate via other means ? She says no. I will never know for sure.

      I realize for many out there, blocking the CS cell won’t stop contact, especially if they work together. However, it is the easiest way for them to communicate so removing it is a big first step IMO.

      As the betrayed spouse, is there anything that you can do to help this process along?
      There are lots of manuals and help books that address EA’s. Buy a few, read them and highlight sections that you feel are important to you. Have your CS read those sections (and maybe the entire book) in private, then set up a time to talk about it. Having a professional state in a book what you feel or believe can help reinforce your point. I believe in the phrase “there is strength in numbers”. If the CS has other close personal friends or family, they can be solicited to help. In my case, it was DW’s best friend and her sister that helped reinforce the point that she was cheating on her husband and needed to stop all contact. Her sister got divorced from her husband over his affair and she had my back on this issue. Also, I strongly suggest setting up more date nights together – they can help focus the attention on both of you and off the OP.

      What advice would you give to the betrayed whose spouse won’t end their affair?
      I don’t believe there is any way to control a spouse that won’t end an affair. We don’t have a magic wand that we can wave to lift the fog the CS is in. With that said, I can offer what my counselor said to me and what I mostly employed.
      First, be the best person you can be in front of them. Show them what they could be missing if you both split. Secondly, explain to your CS that you cannot tolerate this type of behavior in your marriage and that they need to end it. Give them ample time to end the EA with proof. If it still exists, then an ultimatum must be set. And that may involve separation of some sort.

      I don’t know if any of this helps, just my 2 cents (FWIW).

      Best to all of you still struggling with an affair.

      • Melvin

        Oh and YES to counseling (with the right person). I was lucky to get a good one. DW wasn’t that happy with hers and changed to another one. I don’t know how you find a good one other than word of mouth.

    • Finally, my problem with my wife is one that I have not seen addressed here or on other similar blogs. Perhaps it has, but I missed it if it was. It appears at the time I first uncovered indisputable evidence of the existence of my wife’s EA, she really had ended it with my “friend” and, upon review, thier relationship for about the previous 6 months really did appear to be more appropriate and certainly less damaging to our marriage. Interestingly, I had sensed that the EA had run its course, or had been otherwise ended by either my wife or my “friend”, and through marriage counseling our marriage had actually become better in many respects than it had ever been, so finding out that my suspicions had been correct actually became something that my wife and I really wished had not occurred. Not that the short-term existence of the EA had not damaged our marriage and the family friendship that existed before the EA, but actually knowing that it really did occur, and might potentially reappear, really, really hurt both my wife and me and has made it much more difficult for us to get back to happiness we had re-established via marriage and individual counseling. On D-day and shortly thereafter, I made it very clear to my wife and my “friend” that they were to discontinue ALL communication or “else”. They agreed to that, and my “friend” is willing to continue with this, but my wife really wants to re-establish an “appropriate” relationship with my “friend” both in terms of how others would percieve a relationship between them given our circumstances as well as in terms of boundaries that my wife and I mutually establish. Unfortunately, these boundaries would permit certain approved communications (texts, short phone calls, talking in person but only with my advance permission which is something my “friend” is requiring and I’m not, of course, fighting), and I am uncomfortable with this for several reasons. However, I do feel that I will do more harm to my relationship with my wife if I continue to insist that she cut off all communciations with my “friend” (a kind of crappy feeling to have but my gut feelings with respect to my wife’s EA have been correct just about every time), not to mention the fact that I do NOT want any of our friends to know of my wife’s EA other than those who currently know (three of my wife’s best friends, all of whom were not very approving of what my wife was doing but all of whom stopped short of attemting to prevent it but were happy that it ended and wished I had never found out), and the lack of communication between my wife and “friend” really is beginning to make some people suspicious, perhaps just more so than they previously were. So, if anyone out there has been in a similar situation and can give me some advice, I would really appreciate it. My wife is now very transparent and is willing to keep me apprised of all communications she has with my “friend” and his wife. She has also made me aware of the fact (not that she needed to) that there are ways that she could communicate with my “friend” if she wanted to. The only problem being the fact that my “friend” is only willing to communicate with my wife if I tell him that it is “ok” and that all is foregiven, so I can “block” communications between them provided that my “friend” remains true to his word and I think that he will in this case as he really, really does not want me making his wife aware of the existence of the EA and of some of the activities that her husband and my wife undertook while falling all over each other until common sense took over. Thanks so much in advance to all who can give me some guidance/thoughts here!

      • Roller coaster rider

        I’m with you, Had a Hunch, that although it may be awkward and others may not understand, no contact is really best. The thoughts and feelings of other friends can be important but they pale in comparison to guarding the marriage when there is something that has already proven to be flammable in the past. It seems like playing with fire. Read the comments of In the Fog about his EA and you’ll see what I mean. Your wife can’t be objective about this “friendship” because it’s already been more than that. Just my opinion. Better safe than sorry, especially now when it happened such a short time ago.

    • Candace

      I don’t think we had a turning point. He continued to chase her even after she & her husband threatened a restraining order against him. Anytime myself or them told him to stay away he would contact her. After about a week he gave up and believed that the OW wanted to remain with her husband. That’s when he moved out of our home and we continued living our own lives with little contact to one another. He was mad at me because “he had lost a friend” . Gradually over a 2 month period he would come home & stay for longer periods. He moved back home last weekend & things are greatly improving. I can see he wants to make this marriage & family work. But I cannot pinpoint a “turning point”. I still check the cellphone records and the phone itself, if I can get a hold of. And he has agreed to let me know of any contact with her, even as small as passing by her on the road. Unfornately, I see her more that he does due to commitments we both have in shared organizations. I refuse to back down, she often does not show up, proof of who was wrong & guilty here.

      My advice would be to keep focus on yourself and only let the CS see how good, positive and non-needy you are. Yes, at first they need to see how the EA has hurt & affected you & the marriage, then gain control & don’t waiver in your decisions. That was a big one for us. I would be wishy washy in my commands & that just confused both of us. Also when he found out I was looking for apartments to move into & had opened new checking account in my name only this made him realize that I was serious & at maybe our marriage was over. He wanted to know why I did these things & I could hear the shock in his voice that I could go on with life without him in it as a central point.

      When you have a CS that won’t admit it can be so hard. Mine would not admit to being guilty until I printed out articles from online for him to read. He first insisted that there is no such thing as EAs. Maybe that was a turning point for him. But my advice would be to, as hard as it is, to remain strong, don’t give in to the CS demands, they are the ones wrong not you the BS.

      This site has been a huge help. I am also reading a book too.

    • Melvin

      B,

      My wife also did not accept the idea that she was having an Emotional Affair. “We are just talking, it’s nothing at all” was her take. It wasn’t until I had her complete the “10 Emotional Affair Danger Zones” checklist that she realized what she was doing.

      I marked the checklist in private, the way I thought she would answer. It took me 3 times to convince her to take it. We compared notes afterwards. Funny how we both checked off as being met the same 8 out of 10. I am convinced she would have met all 10 if they lived closer together.

      Link here: http://www.positivearticles.com/Article/Emotional-Affair-Have-You-Entered-a-Danger-Zone/46224

    • B

      Today was in fact D-Day. After an entire day of arguing, she finally came clean and said she was attracted to him, enjoyed talking to him way more than she should have, and spent most of her days talking/texting. She says it ended a few months ago when they had a conversation where she said “I’m married and don’t want to go down this road”. She says she chose me and is happy with me, she says she wants to be together and didn’t want to say anything to me about it because “some things are better left unsaid”. I’m torn apart inside right now. She says they are maintaining a professional relationship and that is all it will ever be. She won’t even consider no contact. I’m at a loss for words right now….

      • Roller coaster rider

        B, we all join in saying that we are sorry for the pain you are going through and we wish you only the best. I wonder why if “it ended” she was talking to him after the charity/golf outing Mon. at 9:00 p.m. .?

    • Ronald Johnson

      It has been about 2 months since D-Day and my wife and OM have been having the EA for 4 months now. I have tried about everything to get them to stop, most of it the wrong things. We are going to therapy, 8th session today, and when I talk to her about the EA, she is happy where her life is right now. I realize that I am going to be the one to have to make the first step to ending the EA my wife is having.
      I plan on enjoying life again and not worrying what is going on with her and OM. I am going to focus on myself and the kids, and if the wife wants to join, fine. It is hard right now with us only having one car and me not letting her take the kids to OM house.
      I have to be happy all the time now when I am around her to show her she is not affecting me any more and that I have moved on and will survive, with or without her, preferably with, but without if need be.
      I also need to stop falling for the drama she keeps drawing me into. She lives for the drama right now as it strengthens her resolve to the EA.
      I hope to one day post my sucess story here for all to read, but as it stands now my wife is enjoying her life as it is. My sexual and financial support and the fact I take care of the kids when she is at his house 6 nights a week. I have managed to get her to spend 3 nights a week at our house now and only 4 at OM house.

    • Jenn

      Keep in mind, I have 3 D-Days. He lied twice about it stopping then just became more creative to continue behind my back. After the third time, I became more firm.
      1. The NUMBER ONE RULE was no contact. He had to become an open book, I had access to all email accounts (even the secret one he created to correspond w/her via a fake name), all cell phones, and knew where he was every second of the day. He had to lose his freedom, not because i was a controlling tyrant, but because he broke the sacred trust of our marriage and had to show me EFFORT.
      2. I made him move out while we sorted through things. Being 38 and having to move back home to Mom made him think about his life: Everything we had built, his career, our children, our marriage. Getting away from that made him realize all he had to lose, and he began to turn around. Granted, I was TERRIFIED that it would mean he would just have an easier time contacting her since I wasn’t around, but thankfully that didn’t happen.
      3. I told the OW’s husband. After 3 times with the same woman, I wasn’t about to lie down and let them continue to treat me like a fool. he deserved to know the truth, and I told him. I had proof (computer monitoring software) and was able to provide cell phone records showing the amount of time they texted and talked–hours and hours, and HUNDREDS of texts per month. I gave him everything after he asked for it.
      4. We began counseling. First, he went to a church counselor alone to sort through everything, eventually we went together. I was also going to individual counseling and that helped me to regain my self worth.
      5. I disallowed him to participate in our daughter’s 1st birthday at home. I decided that he had not been home with us while having the affair, so we were not going to pretend things were okay. He was living with his mother, since it was his weekend with the kids, I advised he could plan something when she was with him. That hit him hard.
      6. I only told VERY close friends who I knew I could trust, and at times I wish that circle had been even smaller. I needed support from them to get through this devastation.

      The ultimate thing that he told me made him come back was not being able to participate in the normal daily activities of our family. He had taken us (mainly me) for granted, he’d had some recent tragedies that he did not process through in a healthy way, and all it took was one flirtatious compliment from her and he was hooked. No amount of crying, talking, begging, yelling, or silence worked. It took taking him out of ‘his’ element so he could think about where his life was headed and what he was ultimately destroying. I told him while he was at his mother’s that if he was able to choose me while standing on his own then I knew we could make it. We didn’t talk every day, only when necessary and I moved on with life, taking care of the kids, being there after school and at dinner, bathing them and putting them to bed. He was no longer a part of it.

      It’s easy to think things are okay with your marriage if you’re cheating….while they’re still okay. The only way I got his attention was to truly let him know that I was no longer willing to live with someone who was cheating on me. I was worth more than that. Not everyone will agree with what I did, especially in the Christian community, but our home had become a hostile environment, and I had to protect my children, and their mother………….

      • Paula

        Well done Jenn

        You were strong and clear, I hope all works out for you, and this man is now worthy of you. I took similar steps, and I am fairly sure my H had no further contact after he had stopped the affair – which was before I found out about it, but more to give myself breathing room to process all and regain some sense of self-worth by being independent, and it was so worth it, we are well on the road to recovery now. Best thing is, you know you’ll be okay if you do have to be a single parent, but let’s hope that is not going to happen 🙂

      • Surprised

        Wow – this could have been my story (minus children). It had been going on continually for 2 yrs and he always found a way to take it underground again by opening up new email accts & changing passwords. When he was gone on a trip a month ago, I was looking through masses of papers he leaves lying around, I came across a print out of cabins & cottages he was planning on going to with her when the EA first started. Then, I found a secret cell phone he opened in his sister’s acct one week after I blocked the OW’s number from our cell phones.

        That was the last straw & I told him & his mother that when he came back from his trip he was moving in with her. He’s been there a month now and today we have our first professional counseling session that he set up. I would have filed for divorce because its been a long story of him taking her side and nurturing & protecting his relationship with her when he should have been doing that with his marriage.

        I am only going to this counseling because our pastor said I might regret never knowing if I could have done more. Although he did call this adultery and said I had every right to get a divorce. If there has been no change of heart, if he is going to just try to blame me and prove how his “friendship” is perfectly fine, then we will not last.

        How does anyone get trust back? In this electronic age there is always a way to hide stuff. I have been so trampled emotionally I almost feel dead inside to even considering reconciliation. I guess time will tell. Ironically, a handful of people have told me how much better I look now that he has moved out. Like Jen said, our home was a hostile environment full of stress. It has been a relief to have him living with his mom.

    • Ronald Johnson

      So much for me getting her to stop the affair. She says her heart is with the other man and the only reason she has not given herself to him fully is because I am witholding the kids. This all came out in therapy today. It felt like D-Day all over again. I am physically and emotionally exhausted and cried for hours. The part that I hate the most is the thoughts of Suicide that kept running through my head. Stop, every last one of you who has gone through this has had those thoughts, and we are all still here to voice it. I will not commit suicide and no one else should also, we all have to much to live for.

      The Therapist asked us to write a letter of what we want out of the relationship, now that we know it is over (I still do not think it is over, she asked me if I would still be her F*&^ Buddy) and to be specific. My letter to her is two pages long and if the OM reads it their relationship is over. We have still been intimate with each other throughout this EA and she told him that we no longer were. I so want to tell him, but I think that if I did it would only ruin what little change I have left of getting my wife back.

      I guess now I sit back and try to live my own life as the wheels of fate start to turn. I believe I have given up and put everything in Gods hand. I let her know that I will no longer financially support her, it is now up to the OM.

    • JS

      B-
      I’m so sorry. I remember D Day as clearly and painfully today as when it happened. From my personal experience with my husband, refusal of no contact ultimately meant he had not ended it, so my second D Day was 3 months later and much worse. Get her text records so you know what you are really dealing with. I hope I’m wrong. Many hugs to you.

    • JS

      I’m so sorry, Ronald. I truly hope you are able to get her back.

      • Ronald Johnson

        I am back on the roller coaster ride. For a few hours today the Fog had lifted. The Therapist asked us to write, and be specific, on what we wanted going on from here with her choosing the OM. I layed it all out in black and white for her to see and it was a shock to her system, seeing how much she was about to lose. For a few hours we talked about the future, how she was scared to take it to the next level with the OM, how she wanted to end it with him, but did not know how, heck we even talked about her getting her tubal reversed and having another child. Then a couple hours before I got home, the kids started getting to her and the fog settled back in.
        She had planned to stay the night with the kids saturday and sunday and all of us going camping, but at the last minute had to change dates for it, because the OM came up with tickets for a concert he had promised to take her to on the same day as our camping trip. BS if you ask me, but so be it. I am taking a harder “I don’t give a Sh$%” stance.
        In my letter I told her I will not longer financial support her and that she will be responsible for at least two of our bills (she has no job, full time student). I also let her know on days She designates as Family days, there will be NO contact with OM, that she is to leave her computer and cell phone at OM house or give them to me to lock away for the day.
        It is in Gods hands and we will see if I cannot bring her out of the fog again soon.

    • Rx lady

      These posts from all of you have been enlightening. If I could just get my H to admit to this we could move forward. He moved out 2 months ago, but keeps regular contact with me and our 2 sons. It is hard; I try to let him see the “new, stronger” me but am not sure this is affecting him. He maintains they are “just friends”, as he has for the last 8 months. He will not admit to anything else, even though I know she goes to his house because I go through his trash when he puts it in our dumpster. I hate having to resort to this behavior. I know he talks to her while I’m at work in the evenings and he’s watching our children until I get home. I wish I could remove him from our home entirely for a while, but a lawyer told me to keep my cool and let things play out if at all possible. I told him he lives in a parallel universe when he is not with us. He is in counseling, which I see as a help, but only if he tells the psychologist the truth. He tells me he wants to work on our relationship, but at what cost? I can never fully trust him again, not at this time, since I have had to put up with so many lies from him. He said he is going to ask his therapist for the name of a couples counselor. I hope he does. It feels like he only comes to our home if he wants something. One day I wish he could come without removing anything – it would be a step in the right direction!

    • InTheFog

      I don’t think in my EA we would ever revert back to friends the way we were before. Too much has been said and feelings have been too strong.
      I wouldn’t trust me to be just friends.

      After D-day I think the only solution is no contact (assuming that is a possibility, meaning work situations etc.). How can they have had all that and switch it off when they are still wanting to be in touch.
      If the feelings have truly subsided then why would they want to keep that line of communication open?

    • Saddenned

      InTheFog,

      Is it a PA too?

    • InTheFog

      It has been in the past.
      I think the physical aspect is just another form of communicating the emotional aspect. I find it ironic that the physical bit is actually less important than the emotional. If people who know me knew then they would judge me for a physical act in the past (infrequent), compared to the EA which is very much ongoing and always in my thoughts.

      Being emotionally attached to another person is the thing that is harming everyone the most, I know that. Wanting to be with someone else who isn’t who you are with, and expressing those desires with discussions about what might have been or how it would have been alongside the time spent thinking about that other person is much more invasive and takes the other person ‘away’ if not in body, in mind.

      Through my eyes a ‘tumble in the sack’ is much less damaging than the constant yearning and churning over emotions with someone else.

      There’s a difference between “I slept with someone else” and “I’m in love with someone else” I know which I think is worse.

      Obviously I feel guilt for the PA but truly its the emotional attachment that pulls us together (and therefore makes me feel most guilt about). If it was never physical again that wouldn’t stop us caring. Of course there’s desire but it is wrong.

      I think we were naive to meet. We thought we were in control and clearly we were not.

      Judge me if you like for the PA but when it comes down to it, it was an EA long before, and after and in the end that’s the thing that keeps it going.

      This site is helping me to ask the questions of myself that I perhaps prefer not to confront. Some things I suspect I have brushed over are clearly not alright. Its hard. Its not all sweetness and light.

    • roller coaster rider

      I know what you mean, In the Fog. Believing one is in love is vastly different from doing a quick physical ‘thing’ although it’s interesting how, at least biblically, this physical ‘thing’ was only to be enjoyed by those who had set their lives apart in marriage and were thereby protected and secure in so many ways. Being honest with oneself is the real challenge, because we can easily deceive ourselves given that we don’t usually like to face some of the crud we all have, the ways we can manipulate things to favor ourselves, how easily swayed we can be, how very vain we are…etc. Our society sure doesn’t help, either. The post last week about TV is a perfect example. What was once considered absolutely unacceptable is now almost embraced.

    • Saddenned

      InTheFog,

      I am not judging you, obviously you are going through a lot of mental anguish with this EA. I am merely trying to understand. My husband’s EA caused him so much anguish that he came clean and now I am the woman he once loved. He was a “wake up call” for me and him both. We are communicating now like we never have before. Our communication has strengthened, our physical relationship has strengthened and our friendship has strengthened. So not all bad came from this. I guess what I am trying to say is not everything will happen like you anticipate. Everyone makes mistakes, but the hard part is owning up and taking responsibility. Good luck and remember I am not judging.

      • InTheFog

        Saddenned,

        It is very upsetting and very difficult to decide what to do. I appreciate that you may not be judging but most people will (I used to be one of the most judgemental about situations like mine, how ironic).
        My partner will judge me and I suspect punish me severely. The best I can hope for is to end the EA and get something viable back with him, although I really do feel we’re too far down the road to separation.

        I really do feel like a bad person for how I have wronged his W and my partner somewhat. The guilt isn’t just shrugged off.

        • Saddenned

          In the Fog,

          Have you thought about counseling for just you?…Individual counseling to sort through your feelings. I think that an unbiased opinion can help and it could also help focus on your individual wellness. Just a thought. I think individual counseling has helped me…and honestly could help my H too.

    • JS

      In the Fog-
      Thank you for being honest. I think all of us whose spouses say the EA was ‘no big deal’ but have felt that it is a big deal are validated by your post. It’s so hard to read what you know to be the reality of the situation, but it’s so necessary to know what you’re up against, and I’m not sure I can win against that. As one poster said on another article, can you really expect all those passionate feelings for the EA to go away and the lackluster feelings for the spouse fire back up? I’m not sure I believe that’s realistic once a person has checked out of the marriage. And once we get to ultimatums and demanding who can/can’t be communicated with, I have to ask myself – if the love is truly there, why am I having to do this? I think it’s because the love is just gone.

      One question – why don’t you just leave who you are with and go be with your EA? Or is the EA involved with someone else and unwilling to leave? Thank you for sharing your side.

      • roller coaster rider

        JS, I might agree with you if marriage and love were just about feelings. The truth is that both are much more than feelings which can be so fickle. For me, it’s about choices we make, and yes the feelings will ebb and flow, but choosing to turn your marriage into a triangle is a recipe for disaster. If I’m unhappy about something, I have the responsibility to let my spouse know and try to work it out, and vice versa. Obviously, this won’t always happen but in a long-term marriage, you can see how blowing it and working through the forgiveness needed, and refusing to give up can bring a lot of positive results and growth to both partners. I also appreciate your candor, In the Fog. Although not everyone may accept this, I believe anyone could become a CS if their guard is down, given the right circumstances and the wrong choices.

      • Doug

        InThe Fog, I also wonder if you have such strong feelings for the OP isn’t that enough to move on? Don’t you both owe your spouses more than just being there because of the situation rather than the feelings you have for them. Listening to how you feel about the OP I wonder how could you stay in a loveless marriage. Linda

      • InTheFog

        JS,

        It is very possible maybe for your spouse it really was no big thing. I’m just saying how it is for me, which could be very different. I’m being honest here about my own circumstances, I don’t speak for everyone involved in an EA.

        Yes you can ‘win’ against an OP because you have history and your spouse obviously senses responsibility toward you or they would have left. You had ingredients of a relationship strong enough to keep you together and circumstances might have allowed the EA to start but it hasn’t changed the core of what he wants: you.

        I say ‘win’ because it’s not a competition. I don’t consider myself a threat to my EA’s W since she is the one he goes home to, he has history with, spends his life with etc. At this moment what we have is more supplementary, not that that makes it ok, but its not about winning him. I won’t try because she didn’t ask for this. Its upsetting for both of us but in the end we did this, if there’s pain to be felt its us who deserve that. Nobody else.

        Linda,

        In my own situation my EA is married. I wouldn’t ever expect him to leave everything for me since I don’t deserve to have him. He cares for her and I can’t/wouldn’t want to change that. I knew from the start it wasn’t an option. He always made it clear and he knows my situation is tricky.

        Yes my partner deserves to know that I’m not emotionally ‘in love’ with him. We have discussed it but up to now any suggested changes we discussed are ignored. Sometimes I feel I’m building up to another big discussion where we have a plan or decide to end it. And then I get the fear of how it is going to react and the fall out of the relationship ending.

        Staystrong,

        Neither of us would ever be prepared to walk away from everything. That is pure selfishness (ok, I’m hardly selfless but I’d never do that).
        The other thing is that my own decision to find happiness inside me is one of the key steps that led to this EA. I never looked for it but it is a combination of circumstance that gets these things started. I doubt there are many people who go looking or invite it in.

        Rollercoaster,

        You are SO right. I have many many reasons for being the very last person to get involved in an EA. I suspect the problem is that there is a fine line between being friends (who have fun and discuss problems/ triumphs) and having inappropriate feelings. The friendship wasn’t really in danger of being anything else, or so I thought, until one moment when a line was tentatively crossed, and neither of us stopped when we could have. And since it wasn’t physical it didn’t seem so wrong. And right there in that moment is when it all changed. It can happen to anyone.

        Put it this way, I will never ever ever put myself in that risky position again. Maybe I’d see it coming.

        • roller coaster rider

          In the Fog, yes, you would see it coming and you would do what it takes to avoid it. As for feeling like a bad person, we all are ‘bad’ people in that we sometimes do bad things. What I have found is that there is no one who is truly good and therefore what my response is to my own badness should mirror what I want my response to others’ badness to be: forgiving without allowing for any more badness. That means (for me) admitting what I have done and turning around and doing what is right, and being the person I want to be when I look in the mirror or, even more, when I self-reflect. With or without a partner, married or single, I want to be able to look myself or others in the eye and know I’m doing the right thing by them. Pain makes it harder, but it’s still possible. I also have a lot of support, which is truly vital for making signifcant change or even just for making it through tough stuff. I can tell that you are really a decent person and you will do what’s right.

        • roller coaster rider

          p.s. I don’t think it’s possible to ‘just be friends’ with guys. It just doesn’t work.

    • Jessica

      Jen,
      I totally agree with what you have done I wish in the beginning I had taken the steps that you did it would have saved me 10months of anguish, finally this past weekend I told him I don’t know if our marriage will make it, and then he got it I was ready to move on. He has had no contact for the past 10 months but I was having a hard time moving forward and forgiving the past.

    • staystrong72

      There is a common theme to all of the above post. Obsession. We are letting the CS control our lives. Checking cell phones, going through garbage, putting a voice controlled recorder in one’s care. We must stop. We were all individuals before we got married. We were happy, trusting, good people, and we still are. We have given our power away to the CS by letting their actions consume us. We are way more than that. We are the ones who have not cheated. For those of you that have been successful, congratulations on finding your way back. But for the rest of us, we cannot control the actions or thoughts of our cheating spouses. Yes, I have had many nights alone and crying. However, I know that we are better people and our lives will be filled with laughter again in the future. Don’t get sucked into the drama. Know matter how much talking you do, if the CS has their minds so far into the fog, you will only make yourself miserable. I ask, “Who wants to be with a person that is willing to walk away from everything?” I play second string to no one. This is not high school and I am not about to compete for you so you can make a decision. You made that decision when you said, “I do.” When my cheating wife puts being with the OM before our children, enough is enough. For me it is divorce. 6 months of I don’t know, is too long. Be strong in yourselves. Remember, your selfworth is not measured by whom you are with. You make your own happiness and you choose to stay strong.

    • jessica

      staystrong972,

      You are right, I did all you said and more, finally last weekend I decided enough was enough, I was done, done with worrying, done with checking email, done with checking phone logs and done with looking at the ow facebookpage. If my H really wanted to deceive me and contact her he could just with different methods and then is this the person I want to be with?

    • Norwegian woman

      Staystrong72.
      Very wise words. No matter what, there will be laughter again in the future. The trouble is that we are stuck in our own prison, to afraid to jump. Holdning on to whatever leftovers our CS throw us. Trying to make sense. Trying to trust. Living day by day. As if we did something wrong….
      Some day, I trust we all come to a point when we say enough is enough. Some of us is lucky, with a partner that knows our worth, some of us are not.
      I don`t know. It is 1 1/2 years from D-day 1 (EA) and in september it will be one year from D-day 2 (PA prior to the EA). Anger is creeping in, and I know that I have to make a decision. My H is seemingly back, but the trust is broken. I know what he is capable of doing to me. His partner through 24 years. Mother of his children….. Two years ago, I was sure that his loyalty was with me. I was sure that I was number one. No matter what.
      All of this is taken away from me. I do not know if i can live with the knowledge that he is capable of treating me like he has done.
      I just want to live a normal life. I am really tired of this life. I do not like who I have become. I am tired of not feeling secure. Not feeling confident. Allways second guessing his actions.
      But can I escape it? That is what is holdning me back. Will I take this insecurity and scars with me if I leave him? Will I ever trust again? In anyone?
      Will I be better off alone?
      I feel like I am in a state of waiting… either for him to truly convince me or for me to say stop.

      • staystrong72

        NW,
        Recognizing the fact you do not like who you have become is the first step. You can change yourself. It is very much like a prison, but this is one we can break free from. There are no armed guards or barbed wire fences saying you must stay. Remember that the CS feeds off of your emotions and then they justify in their own twisted way what they are doing is right. We are not doormats. Make yourself feel secure by being surrounded by positive people. The important thing as well is to recognize this as a learning experience. I told my wife that I felt sorry for her. I feel sorry because what I have learned I will take with me and the next person will reap all of the benefits, not her. She is giving up me, our daughters, her lifestyle for a fantasy. One day she will wake up and realize the damage she has done. When she does, I will have moved on. Take care of yourself and remember, you are number 1.

    • blueskyabove

      To All

      Jeff Murrah has a good post titled “Handling the hurt of a venturing spouse”. In it he lists an “emotional first aid kit” for dealing with various stages after discovery. You might want to check it out if you’re having doubts or questions about your current stage of recovery. Doug and Linda have a link to his blog – Survive Your Partner’s Affair.

    • D

      As the betrayed spouse, is there anything that you can do to help this process along?

      I think that my husband and I need to keep working on trust. Although he shattered every ounce of trust I have in him with his little “texting/talking”, he is trying very hard to earn it back. He is realizing the error of his ways more than ever because my friends are all turning their backs on me some 5 months after d-day because I won’t forgive the OW.

      See, this OW was a friend of mine. We did many things together as a group. Now, my friends think that I need to “let it go” because it was only “texting” per the OW. They think that I am carrying this thing too far by not attending dinners or events where the OW and her family are present. They have heard my side of the story and hers. They are obviously going with hers and thinking that I am insane. Texting and talking are not serious I have been told by certain friends. But 800+ texts a month, some as soon as her husband walked out the door at 6 in the morning and over 1200 minutes/month talking are not simply innocent “texting/talking” in my book! Not to mention the secrecy in hiding these conversations from me……. This o OW wants herself to look good for these people and make me look like the one who cannot handle things. For instance, we had a girl’s dinner the other night in which my friends invited the OW. WHY? Then they started talking about me because I refused to come and that I need to get over it. I AM OVER IT…..trust me, but I don’t need the constant reminder of what she did to me. They want me to forgive her. I cannot. AM I wrong? And why are these people shutting me out? I did nothing wrong, my husband and this OW had phone affair. My husband feels terrible because he did this. I feel terrible because I have no friends anymore because of this. I owe this woman nothing…….I owe my husband a chance at a new start based on what he has been showing me. I love him.

      Confused and hurt.

      • Brian Too

        Hey D, You are not feeling anything you shouldn’t. Your hurt and you should be. The reason the other people and friends don’t get it, because they do not understand. I think all of us should go through therapy prior to marriage and at least twice a year. It may do all marriages some real good. Like you & I, these EA ‘s are like a life chhanginging experience. Whether physical or emotional, it is an affair any way you slice it. Even phone calls or text. Especially the hundreds you have encountered. That is obsesive. I am sure if any one of these so called former friends had to deal with this type of EA that they would understand you 100%. Thats why you are here, becasue we all understand. It is amazing to think about it, and realize, like I have. This EA had to happen to me. It was fate or my will. However, it has made me so much stronger. Almost everone that has an EA doesn’ realized what they are doing, because they have no tools. Tools like a therapist, safe friends that have had an EA, or this web site. These are the things that make us strong in marriage and have the tools to make our lives so much better. The sooner you get rid of these friends and move on, the better your lives will be. Apparently their minds are very small and will never see the big picture. Hold your head high and keep doing the best you can. One day at a time.

    • Ronald Johnson

      HELP!!

      How do I go about doing the NO CONTACT?

      I have 3 children with my wife. At the last therapy session she said she wants to explore her relation with the OM and is chosing him.

      She spends 3 nights a week at our house and has almost all of her stuff here.

      The kids stay with me, and we only have 1 car.

      She still wants Family time, and she still wants to have sex with me when she spends the night.

      I took over the finances and told her I will no longer financially support her.

      I am still in love with her and want her to come back, and I know she still has feelings for me, I see every now and then when the EA fog lifts.

      HELP!! PLEASE!!

      Thank you.

    • Confused and wondering....

      Thank you all for you comments and insight, it has been very helpful. I know my H EA continues and we talk about it all the time. He seems remorseful and is still engaged with our family so it’s hard. I hear the “we are only friends” statement alot. And the “I shouldn’t have to get rid of friends” …. If I was that important wouldnt he just stop???? Seems it’s not that easy…. I’m getting tired and worn down…..why do we hang on?? Shouldn’t he be fighting to keep me around?

      • A cheater's wife

        Hello:
        I am in the same boat as you. My husband of 9 years had two affairs. One I found out 3 days after our 2nd daughter was born. The OW emailed me when I was still in the hospital! She claimed she would stop the affair if she knew he was married. Apparently my husband told her he was single, lives w/ his daughter’s mom. Well well well, it’s be 5 1/2 months I found out, they are still in contact. She told my husband “NO ONE IN THIS WORLD WILL LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU” She wants to be with a married man who has 2 kids I suppose and will wait til he moves out.
        He won’t move out!
        I asked him to move out and find himself and make the decisions. If he continues to see her, then leave this family. HE WON’T.
        I am so weak to kick him out.
        So I am on MY journey to find my purpose in life and find out who I am now! I lost my self respect, esteem because of his affairs and addictions to porn, lust, ladies, and affairs. I have to deal w/ all that and this lady thinks she find a caught!
        He came w/ a lot of baggage and we went thru a lot (HISTORIES and attachments that’s why he can’t leave because he loves me. HE’S MARRIED BUT LIKE TO BE SINGLE too… HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!).

        He always want the easy way out! HE’S SO WEAK AND HE DISAPPOINTS ME.

    • reneenjersey

      In this case I was the one wrapped in fantasy. How did my husband help me to stop. He stopped being my husband and went back to being friend. That was all it took to realize what a huge mistake I was making!!! I am forever grateful!

    • Ann

      I’m glad i found this site,because alot that I have read is so helpful. I found my H having an affair three months ago, we have been married 18 years, three children, and i was completely shocked. I was always one of those woman who said, my husband would never do that to me. But I’ll get to the point because it took over 3months for my H to end the affair, the first time i found out, i demanded passwords, i demanded an end or else, and he said he would, he love me, etc… he’d do anything…but then weeks went by and the set up he had made it so easy for him to continue. He worked late into the evenings for his job and the time he came home always changed, little did I know the OW had freaked when I found out and thought she would ‘lose him’ – and she kept influencing him – and of course he easily accepted hearing everything that was ‘wrong’ with me and ‘right’ with her.

      So the next month I found out again (by digging and digging for email accounts of which he had made many) that they were still seeing each other. At this point i was beyond hurt because we had been ‘working’ on our relationship that whole time, talking, being intimate more – we DID have our problems, I had never cheated but I had pulled away from him and was focused soley on the kids and really not interested in giving him attention. I was tired all the time, and other events in our life had caused much stress. So I nearly believed him the second time, he said he was giving it a trial period to see if me and him really were doing better – and as much as it hurts to hear these things – the thought of separating I just couldn’t bear to do that to our kids and after all this time we have invested in our relationship. Now during this time he even went through the phase of “cant we have an open relationship’ – and i said no way – there was no way he would be going out and seeing women and I would accept it. But it really was frustrating that he wouldn’t ‘end’ the affair for me – I think because he was still delusional thinking that somehow he could keep having the affair and somehow eventually i would not be able to find out…

      but so i finally called his father and I cried and said I don’t know what to do but he wont end his affair. He was sooo angry that i did this, he always was very protective of his image to his parents, but I felt if we really were ending our marriage, well then everyone would find out anyway… i mean he was very adamant about me not telling people or friends that he was having an affair – and now I realize that by not telling at least someone influential to him, that it was not helping.

      It helped for me to have someone else (besides me) on the side of our marriage – someone else to say, hey what the hell are you doing- are you kidding? The OW was divorced twice and telling him that a divorce was the best thing that ever happened to her and that it would be the best thing for him. She even had him convinced that our kids would be fine if we divorced. Finally his dad met with him for lunch or a discussion and was like, are you kidding – he reiterated about loose women, about how he would not have his children living with him anymore – and that some other man would raise his kids – because eventually i would find someone else and remarry and that man would raise his kids. He came home thatday and told me everything, but then even i could see him faltering on certain days, but then I would ask his dad to see him again and it at least helped him to end the affair. We are now (only 1 week has gone by) trying towork on our relationship. But I knew her influence in there was only screwing things up. I dont understand how a woman can be so desperate as to try to purposely end a family – but I feel actually sorry for her (as well as hatred) that she would have such low self esteem as to purposely try to break apart someone else’s family and do really desperate things (like drive hours just to see him in his car for 20 min.) ug.

    • Laura

      “We are just friends”
      “You want me to give up my only friend”
      “I like when she texts me. I think she is a good person. I enjoy her company”
      “Why are you making this out to be such a huge problem”
      “I’m an open book. Ask me anything”

      A few quotes my husband has used. I’m sure they are familiar with all of you. Biggest difference is…my husband doesn’t feel guilty. He doesn’t care how it is affecting me. It is his friend and no business of mine. I’ve heard a few of you say they have texted hundreds of times in a month. My H and his “friend” usually text about 1300 a month. Usually about 30-50 times per day. But of course I don’t see any of them. I call him the master of deletion. Deleting all from her. Phone calls. Texts. But if you ask him he is an open book and will tell me anything I want to know. But he never offers anything. I have to ask the right question or there will be no response. I have to know what to ask about her; a person I don’t know.

      So I only see my options as such….cope. Cope with it until it either fizzles out or I can find a job to support myself then ask him to leave. I’m developing a magnificent coping mechanism. So much so that he thinks everything is normal on some days.

      But I am emotionally distancing myself from him. The only reason he doesn’t know what I’m doing is because of his cold demeanor. The past year he has hugged me twice. Any other contact has been totally initiated by me. Any kiss. Any hug. Yes, even sex. So I stopped initiating. And all contact/affection/sex has ceased. And he doesn’t even realize it.

      When I told my sister her first response was…”but he wanted to be a priest!” Yes. That was true. But is very far from the truth now. Hopefully the sadness doesn’t come through to all that I know. That those that read my post can’t sense my sadness. But if they saw me on the inside I am destroyed. A mere shell of the person I had been.

    • Jennie

      What if the husband has left for the other woman? He has been moved out for 8 months. D-day was only a month and a half ago. I have known something was going on since i was 2 months pregnant and yeah and a half ago.
      I still love him. Im getting glimpses of the fog lifting because reality is hitting home. He is starting to lean on me for support. His life is crumbling all around him, because d-day was the same day for her husband. and many many factors.
      Im trying to be very calm cool and strong. Im looking absolutely fantastic these days and he has convinced himself i am dating ( i am not) but i wont try to convince him that im not.
      Do you have any insight for me on where to take it from here? I still feel love from him but i dont want to put myself in a vunurable position again.
      Any help would be so much appreciated.

    • Jennie

      Im sorry i have to post again. 2 in a row. earlier in these comments “Inthefog” wrote this-
      “Yes you can ‘win’ against an OP because you have history and your spouse obviously senses responsibility toward you or they would have left. You had ingredients of a relationship strong enough to keep you together and circumstances might have allowed the EA to start but it hasn’t changed the core of what he wants: you.”
      This brought up a lot of emotion for me because, my H has left.
      Am i fighting a losing battle???
      this is so sad. is there any hope for this situation?

    • InTheFog

      Jennie,

      Firstly can I say that my use of the word ‘win’ was with reference to the previous poster’s comments, please understand I don’t mean it as it stands in that quote. There are no winners.

      The way I see it is that as much as he has moved out it doesn’t sound like he is out of your life, he hasn’t stopped caring about you. He sounds like maybe he is coming out of the fog and realising what a good life he had with you and what he is facing ahead without you, though in my eyes never truly left you, I mean he’s not so involved with the OW that he has not bothered to be interested in what you are doing in your own life.

      Its up to you to decide whether you think you can trust him enough to make it work- and to be frank, if he will stop contact with the OW. I know my circumstances and we just can’t be friends, it doesn’t work, we’ve tried and tried many times. If he says they’re just friends then from my own perspective then they could well be more.
      I suspect it might be a case of waiting for him to come round to fully appreciating you, and maybe you doing more things of your own in the meantime to create your own space so whatever happens in the future you have your own hobby, your own thing that doesn’t relate to him.
      Its good to hear you are looking good, it sounds like you are a very strong woman Jennie.

    • Sara withanH

      My first D-Day was in May when I found out about my husband’s EA, and after counseling he promised me that he would do anything to give me closure. His OW was a co-worker at his office that he had been working closely with and told me that she was going through some tough personal times and he wanted to “help her” by being the good guy that she needed. She is an attractive divorced older woman and led him on both physically and emotionally to get his attention. We have been together for 14 years and have 4 children. I told him that I needed him to stop all personal communication with her and only maintain a professional relationship, and he swore to me that he would do anything to provide me with the closure I needed to move on. He has lied to me everyday for the entire year. My 2nd D-Day was this Nov. when I caught him again texting her from his business travels overseas, he never stopped all year talking, I M, calling and texting etc… Even when we decided this Nov. Before D-Day that it was time for him to look for a new job and leave behind the bad memories and events of this year he was still contacting her while working on his resume and lying to my face everyday about his intentions. I now realize that he would give us all up just for a chance to be with this OW. Pitiful.

    • Kate

      Jennie,
      I am in the same situation. I have had suspicions for a while about my husband and one of his co-workers. Then just before christmas he told me he wanted out of our relationship. We have been having couples therapy for 3 years to help deal with other issues that came up soon after we got married.
      I have now found out from looking at emails and text messages that they have been having a relationship for over 2 years. He has moved out (I made him, a decision I regret making in the heat of anger when he first told me ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’). So he’s been moved out for 2 months now. I am about to give birth to our second child. He comes and stays over with me and our son at the weekends and sometimes during the week.
      I read Michelle Weiner-Davis book ‘The Divorce Remedy’ and found it very helpful. I have been applying her methods for about 6 weeks now and have seen a MASSIVE change in my husbands attitude towards me. We have gone from screaming arguments and avoiding each other (just brief contact to hand our son over) to spending several nights a week in the same bed (even though he doesn’t live here any more). Our sex life is better than it’s ever been and I feel that we are getting on better than we have in years. The main issue is the OW. He tells her he loves her, he wants her in his life etc. But the situation is very complex. The OW has been in a relationship with a woman for several years and her partner has just been diagnosed with a serious illness… My H and the OW are both clearly very much in the fog but there are hints it might be clearing a bit for my H. I love him and I want him back. I’m not going to give up on our relationship yet. I’ve just got to stay strong and focussed.
      It gives me strength to see that other people are in the same sort of situation. I don’t feel that I have lost him yet. He is still very much involved in my life and with our son. I feel it is only a matter of time before the complications of the affair become too much for one or both of them and it ends. I just have to be strong, move on with my life as best I can and wait it out. I don’t want to feel I am second best to her but after all he married me, not her. I am the mother of his children and I know that we can have a better, stronger relationship after all this is done.
      To everyone in a similar situation, stay strong, stand firm and remember that you will get through this no matter what the outcome!

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