Discussion: Your Affair Recovery Wishlist for the Holidays

affair recovery wishlist

Almost every year about this time we post a discussion about what you want most for the holidays.  And we’re not talking about that new car or diamond bracelet!  Rather, let’s delve into your affair recovery wishlist during the holiday season.

The holidays are here  and we’re sure that many of you trying to get some last minute shopping done and are hoping for some holiday cheer. Yet at the same time you may be struggling…The affair triggers, rebuilding trust, ending the affair, etc., etc., etc.

This time of year can certainly provide you with a challenging roller coaster ride of emotions that run from one extreme to the other.  You may experience many emotions that you don’t normally experience.  Depression can be a real concern.

Most everyone has a holiday gift wish list that may include clothing, toys, gadgets, electronics, etc., but…

What is your wish list as it relates to affair recovery?

What is the best gift that your spouse can ‘give’ you?  – Perhaps…To end the affair.  True remorse.  To talk about things more.   A safe environment for trust to build. Transparency.

What gift for healing can you ‘give’ yourself?  – Forgiveness. Self-esteem.  Inner strength.  Physical strength.  Control over the painful thoughts. Therapy…?

In a nutshell, what are the top things that you can think of that will help you in your own journey towards healing from an affair – especially during the holidays?

For those of you who might be further along in your recovery journey, please share any advice or wisdom to help others during the holiday season.

Please respond to each other in the comments section.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

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36 Responses to Discussion: Your Affair Recovery Wishlist for the Holidays

  1. Sardo December 20, 2016 at 11:23 pm #

    I want the strength to make it through the holiday season without breaking down and telling family. I don’t want the relationship between my h and the rest of my family damaged, which I feel it would be if they knew. Any tips, anyone?

    • Barbara December 21, 2016 at 12:28 pm #

      My tip is for h to know HE needs to do all he can to help you avoid a melt down, what ever it takes. I am 8 months post D Day. My suspicions were starting to become validated at Christmas parties last year, so for me the Holidays are 100 times harder as I remember the ow staring me down from across the room and my h disappearing while I was stuck in a conversation.

      Unlike you, I told my family. I sucked the first one up because I had no concrete proof, only having one person tell me and others trying to be give me hints. He never confessed, but many things starting adding up.

      This time I told my family because I needed support and did not want to look like the crazy one, just in case I have a meltdown in front of them, and I have.

      So, with all of that. I feel your h is responsible for assuring a meltdown does not happen. After all, he is the one that created the situation.

    • Shifting Impressions December 21, 2016 at 1:49 pm #

      Sardo Have you found even one person you can confide in? I would not have made it through without the support of family and very close friends.

      People close to you will know something is very wrong even if they have no idea what it is. The whole family doesn’t need to know but perhaps someone can be there for you.

    • Hopeful December 21, 2016 at 3:26 pm #

      I was at about the same point last year. I am at 20 months out now. It was not all easy but we never have told anyone either (just me telling my therapist) so I understand. If you have not seen a therapist even just for you it might be a good idea. It has helped me so much just to have someone to talk to. My husband can only hear so much and in the end it was nice to have my therapist just listen to me and help me. I am usually the one always helping others.

      What helped me last year was talking about it before things happened. We talked about each get together with family and what might trigger or how I was feeling and what I needed. That helps a ton for any circumstance. I feel if it is discussed ahead of time we are both better prepared. Also I told him of anything I knew was a trigger. And really at this point we were really focused on just the two of us. So he would ask me what I wanted and needed. If I only wanted to be at Christmas for 2 hours he said fine. If I wanted to order food out good. Go to a movie, sleep in, work out. The other thing is I always took care of everything Christmas. Well last year he was there to help in any way I needed. And not just me asking but him offeteing help.

      I hope that helps! Hang in there. It has gotten so much better. It has highs and lows but it has really been worth it for us.

    • Doug December 22, 2016 at 9:53 am #

      Hi Sardo, The others who replied to you all have great advice. After 8 years, we have never told any of our family members, but Linda did find a few very close friends to confide in (one in particular) and it helped her immensely. She also had a couple meetings with a therapist that were beneficial. If you and your husband are trying to reconcile, I would also suggest that he find a person – friend, therapist, pastor – to confide in as well.

  2. For better or worse December 21, 2016 at 7:13 am #

    My wish list: that he ends the affair, true remorse, recommitment, a better way to handle triggers and out-of-control thoughts, ability to focus on my healing until (hopefully) he recommits, strength to make the tough decisions I think I’m avoiding, joy over all the positive things I do have, ability to avoid cynicism, that I can avoid becoming distrustful towards everyone else, and whatever tools I need to be able to go back to work soon. I have never depended on him and I especially don’t want to now.

  3. Barbara December 21, 2016 at 1:10 pm #

    My wish list combines the two above wishes and some. I don’t want to have a meltdown in front if family due to a trigger. My family knows about the A, but H has always had a way of making himself look like the greatest thing since sliced bread. I want to get through the holidays without A thought about the A consume me.

    I met the OW in December at at Christmas event, I knew it right then. The Christmas parties that followed even furthered my suspicions. Although it was not confirmed until the following April, I am 8 months post D day, so I am dealing with all of the “firsts” since I found out about the A

    I too want to get back to MY life and back to work for me. Being dependent on a person such as my h is sucking the life out of me.

    I want the intrusive thoughts of how I want to confront the OW to stop, at least for the holidays. I want H to be understandable about how if feel right now, even if he does not understand. We are in separate states until Thursday. H and OW are working in close proximity as I type. I want to feel they are staying away from each other. I just want to stop thinking…….

  4. Hopeful December 21, 2016 at 3:20 pm #

    I want to continue on a healing path. I want to continue to work with my husband to strengthen our marriage/relationship. We are at 20 months post dday and doing well. However holidays can be tough and this time last year we were still working through a lot. I want to remain strong in a way that I continue to be assertive and speak up when I need to.

    Thank you to everyone on this site for creating a positive environment to connect with others. We have told no one. I have gone to a therapist alone so that person is the only one who knows. Thank you!

  5. Butterball December 22, 2016 at 3:26 pm #

    I figure this blog might be a good place to find an answer to something I am looking for. No, this isn’t for monitoring my husband, but I know it is the sort of app that some of you might use. I’m looking for some sort of app that can be installed on an Android phone to secretly monitor what the person is doing on the internet on the phone. I don’t need GPS or tracking of calls or txts, just internet usage. Like what websites they are visiting or if they are using a program like Whatsapp and maybe capturing keystrokes or something. Either to be viewed on the same network or via the phone itself.

    • Doug December 23, 2016 at 9:46 am #

      Hey BB, I did a search in Google for the phrase: “keystroke monitor for android phone” and there were several results that may help you out.

  6. Shifting Impressions December 23, 2016 at 1:22 am #

    Christmas can be a difficult and emotional time, Everything just seems somewhat magnified…and the memories and nostalgia can be overwhelming. This is the fourth Christmas since D-day and the first to feel “somewhat normal” since then. My husband ended the EA the day I discovered it, something I am very grateful for. But, the last three years have been an emotional roller coaster ride to say the least.

    So, what is my Christmas wish? That I would be able to truly forgive and that we would come out stronger and better. Maybe one has to experience the dark to truly appreciate the light or come very close to losing something to really embrace it.

    Three years ago, I was shattered, but step by step we are making our way back. I think maybe just maybe I am willing to learn some of the lessons that there are to be learned from all of this.

    There is remorse on my husband’s part and at an excruciatingly, slow pace he is coming to grips with the magnitude of his actions. And very occasionally he actually brings it up himself and is more willing to talk and to listen, really listen.

    Do I have any tips? Well, from the beginning we both worked hard at not doing more damage….we weren’t always successful, but we tried and it helped. Finding someone to talk to also got me through. Some personal counseling sessions were very helpful in coping.

    But in all honesty, coming here and listening to everyone’s stories and being able share my own has probably been the most helpful. I have an amazing support system, but there are times, especially during the holidays, that only those who have experienced the pain of infidelity can truly understand.

    • Strengthrequired December 23, 2016 at 4:58 pm #

      You have that right shifting expressions. I find it amazing how hard it is around this time of year, even around other special occasions such a s birthdays, Easter, Valentine’s Day, wedding anniversaries, yet it’s Christmas when my ch decided to enter into his affair, Unknown to me, at the time.
      Brings back so many bad memories, one cannot shake. I hope that with time, we can create new wonderful memories that make the bad ones fade and not be so draining.

    • Butterball December 24, 2016 at 1:22 am #

      Not doing more damage–that’s a good tip.

  7. Karen December 23, 2016 at 7:00 am #

    My wish list is an impossibility. I want it to never have happened. The infidelity spanned 20 years and I am struggling to rewrite one third of my life with all the new information. During that time ourboys grew up, there were vacations, graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren….all have been tainted with the revelation of the affairs he had with this woman for all those years. To know that she knew more about my marriage than I did was devastating! My life was not what I thought it was. I also struggle with the fact that we no longer have a covenant marriage. It was over the first time they had sex back in the 90’s.. I just didn’t know it was over then. That info didn’t come to light until 2014.We have only a legal marriage now, not a godly one.He shows no remorse and goes about his life as if nothing has happened. Dday was Christmas Day 2012- 4 years ago when I though he was in an emotional affair– and in that time he has slowly and cruelly drip fed me pieces of truth, like a slow stabbing. The 20 years were an emotionally entangled physical affairs, off and on, according to the OW who graciously sent me pictures and texts of all they have done,etc. There are reasons I have not divorced him, too complicated for this post. For Christmas, I just want to feel something besides pain, resentment, anger and fear. I want to be rid of the depression and PTSD. I want to be rid of the knowledge that I wasn’t LOVED enough or was worthy enough for him to stay faithful. I want to feel like I’m worth fighting for. I want to feel loved. But I can’t and I don’t. I am spending Christmas alone for the third year in a row. And I’m ok with that. Christmas is a huge trigger for me. Best to be alone that day. So much more to this story, but too much to post. Hoping the holidays will be better for you all.

    • Hopeful December 23, 2016 at 3:27 pm #

      Karen, I am so sorry. My husband had two overlapping 10 year affairs and I think the length of time it went on has been part of the hardest part for me to move past. My husband was young but we met young. Over the years I asked him directly if there were ever other women or bring up our marriage and how we could work on it. He tells me it was not black and white and he would go long periods without any contact so neither affair was constant and he ended both before dday. Yet it still is hard. I struggled for a long time regarding the memories. In the end I know all of it was his fault and his poor decisions. I was not part of any of it. I was a great spouse, partner and mother. I am thankful in the end that I was there for my kids. He was so selfish and immature so I take pride in the fact that I was the dependable one. Really that is all I know since that is me.

      Everything else has been a lot of work. I am sorry he is not willing to work through more of this with you. It is such a traumatic experience and it is so important for the wayward to step up and be part of the healing process or at least in our case. Is there any way you can get help or support maybe through a therapist? That has really helped me a lot personally. I travel pretty far since I was picky about who I wanted to see and also my husband is in the mental health field and did not want anyone local.

      Thinking of you and sending lots of support and positive thoughts these next coming days.

      • Butterball December 24, 2016 at 1:24 am #

        What do you think helped him to grow up and not be so immature or selfish anymore?

        • Hopeful December 27, 2016 at 10:27 am #

          It was the realization that he was giving one second chance only. On dday he thought life might be over. He said it was so painful telling me since he loved me so much and he knew how bad it would hurt me. I think he was scared of not seeing our kids daily. And knowing all of this is his fault. So the second chance woke him up.

          Then it was giving a commitment to work at our marriage and healing. We set boundaries that helped us a lot. My husband is in the mental health field and he says really to change any major behavior or habit takes 6 months. And that was true for him too. He had already ended his affairs but I think it took 6 months to feel confident that he wanted to fight and be in our marriage moving forward and for good. He was not doing anything “wrong” but it was how he was living his life in a selfish way. At about 18 months after dday he even said he realized now that he enjoys thinking of us first vs him but it took a long time and lots of work. In the end he decided who he wanted to be and the legacy he wants to leave. He says he lives each day as if I am next to him and reading and hearing everything he says. Obviously there is a lot more to it and we did not deal with either ow except for one contact each since he had “broken up” with them over a year before dday 1. I know from my therapist who is an expert that it takes time but at some point you need to decide what you need and want. I am so thankful for my therapist being a sounding board. I do think it has helped overall that my husband is in the mental health field. He is trained and highly aware. He never was attached or loved these women. It was just an immature escape and distraction. He said even worse than his actions was hiding it from me.

          • Butterball December 27, 2016 at 11:24 am #

            Did he decide to tell you himself on D-day? If so, it sounds like he must have already worked on himself alone to reach that point that he came clean with you.

    • Shifting Impressions December 23, 2016 at 4:16 pm #

      Karen….I have been thinking of you all morning. Your story touched me. Just remember it was your husband who made himself “Less Than” not you. You are worthy of love and deserve to be treated with honesty and respect.

      Getting the truth in pieces, bit by bit seems to be the norm with cheating partners….and yes it is very cruel.

      I am with Hopeful a good counselor would help and a few close friends can be a life saver.

      It’s time to take care of you….

    • Sarah P. December 26, 2016 at 6:03 pm #

      Hi Karen,
      I am really sorry to hear that it took so long to find out about the affair and that your H released details in a slow drip. That is cruel and cowardly.

      I don’t believe that your H strayed because you were not loved enough. Your H was not at the point where he realized love is a verb and not merely a feeling. He cheated because of his flaws and he kept it hidden because if his extreme cowardice.

      I pray that you can find some peace soon and that you can find your internal strength. What your husband did is a testament to his lack of character and says not a thing about you.

      My prayers are with you–
      Sarah

  8. Rachel December 23, 2016 at 12:28 pm #

    Christmas is a difficult time for many. i usually go to mass with my boys on Christmas Eve and then we part where they have to go to the “dark side” for a bit then we will meet up later.
    My oldest forewarned me that the ex is going to be at the church the kids and I usually go to. Really now. All of a sudden he know is going to this church???
    He just doesn’t stop.
    So I called around and found another church that we will celebrate Christmas mass together.
    I will no let him win!
    Merry Christmas all!!

  9. Love So Ho December 23, 2016 at 3:40 pm #

    First Christmas Eve Alone since 1983. 2 adult children out of state.Son being with his girlfriends family. Happy for him, he has had a rough year. 2017 hoping to refocus my life. I hope I can make it through Christmas Eve mass without too many tears.

  10. Bb December 23, 2016 at 4:55 pm #

    My Christmas wish is for my husband to snap out of the affair fog! On Thanksgiving A few weeks after I figured out my from texts that there was more going on than what he had said, I tild him he can’t continue to hurt me like this and that he had to make a decision by the weekend. He said he couldn’t, I tokd him he had to. I was having anxiety attacks, lost 30lbs, couldnt sleep etc. so Saturday night we finally had ‘the talk” and with tears in his eyes he told me I was right, He couldn’5 keep hurting me like this and basically said he tried (I thought we were doung good when I found the texts) but that he cant get the spark back.
    And that he had feelings for OW and didnt want to stop seeing her. They work together and are in the same office 2 hrs/day.
    I was devastated. Cried like someone close to me died!
    Then I realized I was still hurting every day, but his burden was lifted.
    We are raising our granddAughter who is 7 and had major emotional issues when her mother abandoned her. I cant understand how he can do this to her.
    We are friendly atound each other. He lets me cry in his arms, some days he is normal, some days cold. I feel like those are the days he met up with her or had plans I messed up.
    I cant understand how he thinks his life will be so much better. When I ask what he thinks its going to be like when he moves out he hasnt even thiught that far.
    I want our life back. That,s what I want for X-mas..but better than before.
    Any advice or stories if you went through the same thing would be greatly appreciated. If H didnt stop affair on DDay, and thinks he is in love, have any of you seen a turn around and marriage still worked out?

    • Butterball December 24, 2016 at 10:03 am #

      I hope you get your life back better than before. That’s what I am hoping for. I’m not much further along than you but I am in a situation where I can get a little more insight than the average person into what is going on with my husband.

      One thing I have realized today is that just because they “think” their life is going to be much “better”, some of it is just excuses to justify what they are doing. There’s one thing that my husband complained about regarding me that I have discovered really was an excuse to a great extent. In fact, the thing he complained about so much before, he now seems to be very happy with it. Before he would have been spewing anger about it and now he praises the same thing about me he claimed he hated, even praising me about it to the OW. So don’t believe everything he says. He’s probably still in a fantasy stage and once he sees reality and can compare it to what you have he might see things in a clearer, more realistic light and you will come out on top hopefully.

      There may be a spark there with the other woman but there’s normally a spark at the beginning of every relationship. The spark will burn out and then you will be on a more even playing field with the other woman. I know it may be hard to bear but I would not push him to make a decision now. It seems he still cares about you and that is a good foundation to hopefully build on in the future.

      • Bb December 29, 2016 at 5:37 pm #

        Thank you Butterball for the advice

    • TheFirstWife December 25, 2016 at 4:09 pm #

      Regarding your situation Bb. My H wanted a divorce in July. Affair ended (or so I thought) and it restarted in Sept.

      He then asked for a divorce again in Zniv and Dec. in Dec I finally knew he was leaving me for the OW.

      3 years later and we are together. He finally decided to go to counseling last Jan. He wants to go to couples counseling. And things are FINALLY better.

      He has worked hard to show his love and commitment. He has made amends and changes. We both have.

      We faced issues that are now no longer a problem. We don’t argue as much now like we did since DDay 3 years ago b/c we have changed.

      But my H had to make the decision to want me, our family and marriage. He ended his affair but I found out 2-3 days after it ended and told him to leave. He had to work long and hard to get me to come around initially. The continued lies and choices he was making to save our marriage had the exact opposite effect but he could not see that.

      Finally finally finally he got it.

      If your H still has contact and is in the affair fog there is very little you can do

      You cannot make him “see” anything. All he knows he is “happy” and he believes the OW is his “soulmate”.

      He is not seeing reality and is living a fantasy. The relationship is not “real”. The OW is not living with him and paying bills, dealing w/ family issues, mortgages, making dinner, food shopping, etc.

      Hard to get their head out of the sand or get the cheating spouse to take the blinders off.

      My H saw how I treated the OW when I spoke with her. No disrespect to her ever. She, however, tortured me online for years. She would say nasty things or post things that were cruel to get back at me. Why? Because I asked her to stop contacting my H when she tried to start up a third time. I had enough and asked her to reflect me and family and keave is alone. Please move on.

      Apparently that was enough to cause her vindictiveness which my H had to watch. He felt terrible. Me? I just never responded to her at all.

      When my H saw how she really behaved he was even more upset with himself. SS I tokd him the oerson you date or marry is not the same person you divorce or break up with. Two different personalities from the same person.

      I suggest you hang in. Set boundaries if you can so that his affair does not affect you everyday (if possible). Try to not engage in letting him bring you down.

      Men cheat forces whole host of reasons and many times it has nothing to do with the spouse. It has to do with them and their inability to face life’s tough times, mid life crisis, health issues, family issues, etc. many don’t talk about their problems, they cheat or am drink etc.

      Best of luck. B

      • Butterball December 26, 2016 at 8:19 am #

        Some men seem to need ultimatums or a kick in the ass to come around, and others need to feel they have a safe place to come back to with their wife. Bb, if you google “clinging boomerang” you will find some info about the second type. One of the articles on the subject does point out that people with the former type really don’t understand what the LB has to do if their spouse is the second type, like mine. They think we are being doormats. I know with time all will work itself out. Last night the OW had her first meltdown. She called my husband about 10 times in one hour when he was with me. Just as much as you are afraid to lose your husband, the other woman is even more worried because she doesn’t have the deep connection you have with your husband. I just told my husband do what you want to do as I saw no benefit to myself to sink to that level and turn it into a catfight. He didn’t want to believe it was about the fact he was with me that bothered her but I told him it was. Maybe he doesn’t want to admit it to himself yet but in the long run no man wants a clingy hysterical woman calling him 10 times in an hour. Imagine if he was at work or in a meeting and she did that. And if she is like this now, she will be like this even worse in the future. I’m just sitting tight and biding my time, as eventually he will be able to see the difference between us. That I have confidence in our relationship and that we will be fine.

      • Bb December 29, 2016 at 5:41 pm #

        Thank u!

    • Sarah P. December 26, 2016 at 6:17 pm #

      Hello Bb,
      I am so sorry that it has all come down to this with your husband. I am sorry that he believes he can shirk his responsibilities and a husband, grandfather, (and father) just because he thinks he cannot get the spark back.

      I know it won’t make it all better if I say that he is the problem right now, but I will say it anyhow; he is the problem. He does not have his priorities straight and he is also fooled by the belief that the grass is greener. People can get the spark back and their marriages back, but I believe it requires making choices that can be difficult to make.

      I am going to make the assumption that he is comfortable the way things are currently. He is getting his selfish needs met and those selfish needs are more important than doing the right thing. Do not allow him to blame you in any of this and constantly let him know that he needs to take ownership of his actions. I believe that affairs are something that are a series of a thousand choices. It all starts some where and each person must choose to NOT take it to the next level.

      If I were you, I would put the burden back on him and ask him how he plans to do right by everyone. How does he plan to provide a stable home to his granddaughter? How does he propose to do things in a way that don’t make her feel abandoned again? If he cannot do it for you, can he find it in himself to do it for her? Also, I don’t want you to do this in a combative or angry way– just in a way that makes him think it through.

      I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It is a very difficult situation and not one that you deserve.

      May I ask if you two believe in a higher power? Do you know who the OW is and how this all started? Is there anyone who can act as an intermediary between you two? (A trusted family member or friend?)

      I hope that your heart finds healing and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe that marriages can be rescued and brought back from the brink. But, I don’t know the details of yours and so I cannot offer specific advice on how to do that.

      Many blessings,

      Sarah

      • Bb December 29, 2016 at 6:31 pm #

        Hi Sarah, thank you for your kind words and support.

        My H and I have been married for 16 yrs. We were soulmates and happy for at least 10 yrs and then started growing apart little by little. He shut down, I focused on getting my joy from granddaughter..and built a wall around my heart. In the midst of this I had Thyroid cancer and really struggled health wise with major fatigue and was not able to be the “on the go” person I was.
        The last 2 yrs we were basically living like roommates going through the daily motions of work and home. We both had a lot of stress due to granddaughter’s emotional issues.
        So to make a ling story short, In May I figured out he was not at the conference he said he was at. Big blow up, he finally told me he wasnt happy and was just staying for granddaughter. The reality of possibly looding him broke my wall down and I realized I still loved him. He reluctantly agreed yo try to work on our marriage. He said there wasn’t anyone else, which now I know it was a lie.
        I started an online marriage program which through a lot of up and downs started to work and I finally regained my trust back and was backing off from the snooping etc and then found a phone eith text messages on it … he said he stopped, but since he works with her he sees her every day for a few hours.
        Subsequent discovery of additional texts made me realize it was not over, which let me to wanting him to make a decision. I know he has internal struggles about leaving because of granddaughter. He says ge will do as much as I let him for her (meaning, be here daily etc). I told him that is not how real life worjs when you seperate. That’s like me agreeing to have my heart ripped out daily! So yes, O am not letting him put that on me. So since we were trying to make it through the holidays we have avoided further conversation about it. I know you can’t talk him out of it. I have to back off, I feel I am needy and that doesn’t help the situation.
        So we’re back to acting normal around each other but he is not ” trying” to make things work out with me now that the secret is out. I sm trying to wait it out for the fog to lift, but will it ever? Luke u said, he has both right now…

        • Sarah P. December 30, 2016 at 4:20 pm #

          Hi Bb,

          I am very sorry that you are going through all of this stress, especially since your grand daughter’s wellbeing is at stake.

          I will tell you that there is something about people that I do not understand. We all need nurturant touch as humans, but we are not going to die if we do not have lustful interactions day in and day out. I do not know if this is your H’s case or not, but it seems to me that he is being pulled away by his coworker because of some kind of physical neediness. I understand this level of neediness when someone is in their 20’s or 30’s. But, as we get older, we cannot allow this physical neediness to take such a priority that we do harmful things because of it. Your husband’s responsibility is to stepping up to the plate and maintaining a stable two-parent home for his grand daughter. Can he not see that? Is this what ties him to the OW or is it something else? He is violating the whole ‘in sickness and in health’ part of his marriage vows.

          It really worries me that he works with the OW. It puts him in more of a bind than usual. If he were to break it off with her, she could file a sexual harassment claim as revenge. I have worked in actual offices where this has happened several times over. (My first career was as a project manager in large corporations.) The married men in these situations were fired and had their reputations ruined. The man never wins.

          Have you ever asked your husband why he has decided to hurt you so much? I believe he needs to understand the harm he is doing. He is getting his needs met, but he is harming you in doing so.

  11. Bb December 25, 2016 at 1:37 am #

    Thank you butterball. I guess the fact that he still comes home at a normal time and doesn’t leave on his days of shoes he is still respecting the marriage. I follow marriageMax. ItwA working chtt wp

  12. Falling to pieces December 26, 2016 at 12:09 pm #

    How do you know when it’s time to give up?! Next week marks one year from D-Day. My H is still involved with the OW. He has moved out of the house to continue seeing her without my knowing. He says that they have a connection we never had. But then he says he doesn’t want to lose our family and he wants his life back. I don’t know what to believe. We’ve been in counseling together for a couple of months and things have just gotten worse! I love him still and don’t want to give up but I’m falling apart. Both myself and our children need movement. We need to get out of this limbo!

    • TheFirstWife December 26, 2016 at 3:56 pm #

      Falling. I am so sorry for you and your children. It is sad that you have lived this way for too long.

      I can see why counseling isn’t working b/c your H doesn’t want to give up you or the OW.

      He is being selfish and yet, he doesn’t want to give you up either. He wants some of the parts of his life with you & kids remain the same.

      Except it can’t and you know it. You cannot allow him to have both of you.

      He may not make a choice between the two of you but you can set the tone of your relationship with him.

      A few suggestions for you. You cannot control him BUT you can control your reaction to him. If he sees the OW you can only control your reaction – you can yell, get angry, ignore it, etc.

      You can set boundaries about his intraction with you and children. You can expect the OW cannot see or be near your children. He cannot introduce her to them without your approval or prior knowledge. I think you know what I mean here.

      You can start building your own life without him. Not a divorce but a reclaiming of your life and some sense of routine and normalcy. Your kids will adjust if you set the right tone. Example – go to an event or movie just you & kids. Don’t invite him or mention him. Just you & kids out for a fun time.

      Work on counseling for you and not you & him. When you restore your self esteem and confidence, you will feel more balanced and able to get your power back.

      Once YOU feel in control of your life, you will see things more clearly. If becoming a stronger person causes your H to “run to the OW” then you know HE made a choice to end the marriage. Not you. If he cannot handle a new and improved you or stronger you, then your marriage was doomed b/c of him, not you.

      Be you. Be a great mom. Be a strong leader for your kids.

    • Sarah P December 27, 2016 at 8:58 pm #

      Hi Falling,
      I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

      One of my mentors once told me that lustful connections like these are mostly within one’s mind. The wayward spouse is generating the connection since he is living in fantasy land. I wonder what it would take to burst his fantasy bubble so that he could see clearly again.
      What do you suppose triggered his affair?

      Most of all, you need real and concrete steps to take in the now. My question to you is: what could happen that could make you feel better? What bothers you the most about the situation? What thoughts are going on in your head right now that are causing you to fall apart? I am not asking these questions just for the fun of it. I am trying to get to the bottom of what is going on so that I can offer some practical suggestions as well as ways to continue on without your thoughts taking the very best of you away.

      Infidelity is a terrible experience. I am here to help you stabilize your day to day if you can tell me for about what is going on and what you need in order to feel grounded. I am happy to help and again I am so sorry that you are going through this.

      Sarah

  13. Bb December 29, 2016 at 6:38 pm #

    I like Dr Huizinga (recommended by Linda and Doug) emails and e-book.
    One of his emails this week asked why do you love him? What is it that you love about him? That question has been stuck in my head. Why? I love the person he used to be, but will He ever be able to give me what I need…

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