Make Him Move Out or Let It Play Out – You Decide!

affair scenario

 

This is the latest installment of our ‘You Decide’ series where you will provide your opinion on a fictional affair scenario. In this scenario, you need to decide if Shannon should insist that Jason move out – or let things play out.

Shannon and Jason have been married for about a dozen years.  They live in Texas and have two kids, ages 9 and 11.  Shannon is a stay-at-home mom, while Jason is a high-powered executive for a major corporation.  He often travels the world on business related  assignments.

About a year ago, Jason had to be in Brazil for about 2 months in a supervisory role during a major equipment installation at one of his company’s manufacturing facilities.

While in Brazil he met a single co-worker and they had an affair which is still ongoing.  Though this woman lives in Brazil, they manage to meet up every couple of months for about a week when Jason has to be back in the country for work.

About two weeks ago, Jason told Shannon that he is leaving her at the beginning of November and that he has consulted with an attorney.  He has completed divorce papers but has yet to actually file them.  His plan is to find an apartment and eventually bring his affair partner to Texas to live with him.

The curious thing is that Jason has yet to start looking for anywhere to live.  He continues to live at home and acts as if nothing has changed and that he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  Yet at the same time, he leaves for Brazil for another week soon, and Shannon is sure that he will be with the other woman during that time.

Shannon finds herself in a dilemma as to what would be best for her to do next…

Their two kids each have birthdays coming up this month that are a week apart.  Shannon feels that perhaps these events might wake Jason up to reality and potentially change his mind about leaving.  But if not, and he does move out, she feels the upcoming holidays might wake him up to reality as well (especially if he is alone in an apartment).  

Otherwise he may just move out after Christmas when there are no events for a long time to wake him up, and there’s also no reason for him to delay in bringing his mistress to Texas. Shannon feels that once she’s here in Texas, that’s it.  He’ll never leave her as he will feel responsible for her no matter how bad things may get.

So, does Shannon ‘play along’ as if nothing is going on and hope that he decides for himself he doesn’t actually want to leave (or decides he can continue to have the best of both worlds)?  Or, does she insist that he find a place and move out asap?  Or, should she do something else?

You decide!

 

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Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

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21 Responses to Make Him Move Out or Let It Play Out – You Decide!

  1. TheFirstWife October 10, 2017 at 11:10 am #

    Okay I can relate to this. DDay1 my H admits sn EA with OW. Blindsided is an understatement.

    He starts the whole “I want a D”. Few weeks later I confront – her or me. He gets scared and swears it is me.

    He continued contact w/ OW and ends it (or she ends it) after a very very long call out if the house. I am not present – his insistence it it done privately.

    Then about 2 months later the A resumes. I had no idea. But he starts the “I want a D” talk again. I said “ok D me. I cannot make you love me” and clearly he moved on from this M.

    He would have openly continued to be in contact with the OW at DDay1 if I didn’t put my foot down.

    So I say she needs to force the issue and get her plan B in place first! Support team. attorney. Counselor or therapist. Money in her own name. Separation of credit cards and finances. Forensic accountant to see how much $ her STBXH has spent on Miss Brazil.

    In the meantime she needs to stop being his wife. No meals or errands or laundry or conversation. I tried to “nice” my H back. It doesn’t work and I now know I was viewed as pathetic and weak.

    She then needs to force him to leave. Forget this “I hope he will realize” thought process. Cheaters don’t think they are doing anything wrong. They are selfish. They only want what they want – they will trash their family in pursuit of the AP.

    She will not wake him up or make him aware of ANYTHING. Dealing with a CS is like living in crazy town.

    The ONLY thing that worked for me was my willingness to tell my H to “Get Out”. And suddenly the OW was no longer that interesting.

  2. Hopeful October 10, 2017 at 1:30 pm #

    I agree consult the professionals asap so you know what you are dealing with, can gather as much info as possible and have a tentative plan. I would say if he is not working to repair the marriage then he needs to find somewhere else to stay. Kids need to be told a minimum amount of information and a therapist is always good helping with this. I would not care where he is staying a friend, family member or hotel just not with me if that is his plan. You are either in or out and willing to repair or not. I see it the opposite way if his hand is forced he could see sooner than later what he is missing.

  3. Nearly Normal October 10, 2017 at 5:30 pm #

    How could you stay sane with the cheater living in the house with you? Even if he’s going to change his mind later and decide to work on the marriage, (unlikely as that seems) he needs a good shaking up before that’s going to happen. She should take care of herself, not to mention the kids who will inevitably get caught in the middle, and kick the loser out.

  4. Sarah P. October 10, 2017 at 6:12 pm #

    Oooh, gotta chime in on this one. This is what I would personally do if I were in this very specific situation. Note: I would not do this in all situations– my advice applies only to this very specific one, certainly not all. So this in no way represents how I would handle even similar situations– just this one.

    Husband is a high powered executive with lots of dollars? Okay, the following is harsh, but keep in mind this would be done with the intention SOLELY TO WAKE HIM UP while protecting oneself financially:

    1) Hire a forensic accountant, an excellent PI, and then an attorney whose middle name is “Bulldog.” (What TFW has said)

    2) Document, document, document. Lock down bank accounts, if possible.

    3) Start a kick-boxing class to get all that energy out and hire a personal trainer named Lars who happens to be 6’6′ and Swedish. Invite him to the house when H is around. (Shows H he is not the only man in the world… he is not the only man alive.)

    4) Call immigration services and let them know that a Brazilian citizen is trying to break up your marriage to get a quick path to citizenship. Provide said person’s full name and location. This could make it harder for her to get paperwork.

    5) Move all of H’s clothing and other items onto the lawn and let the kids know that daddy is going on an extended work trip where he needs said items.

    6) Ask husband if the OW has a good-looking Brazilian brother since they are now in an open marriage. (This will show H that two can play at this game. It will show H he is no longer in control and cannot fit everyone into a little box where they do what he wants. A wife has choices but a cheater does not want her to know that.)

    7) Create paperwork where he signs all assets over to wife, including retirement and also provides extensive alimony. Have him sign papers. (Similar to what TFW did.)

    8) Separate bedrooms and no physical contact since he has nullified the marriage contract. Also, here is the latest for the CDC and why this is important. STDs that used to be treatable are at an all-time high since they have been recording and tracking these things. Apparently, these diseases have evolved and have outsmarted some of the medications we have. Welcome new and stronger types of gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, pelvic inflammatory disease, and a host of other nasty things. In the past if someone cheated and if a wife caught such things, they could be treated. But, now some people are resistant to the medications. As a betrayed spouse, that is the last thing you want. I do not recommend hysterical bonding in this situation. You might get a special delivery straight from Brazil that will never go away. Not a good situation and NOT worth it.

    9) A subscription to photoshop while letting him know that it is his responsibility to photoshop himself out of all family pictures. It is his choice to destroy what they created so it is his responsibility to remove himself in all ways. (A wake-up call for the future.)

    10) New haircut, new make-up, new clothes, anything to make you look in the mirror and make yourself proud. This is not meant to be shallow. It is meant to make you remember who you are: lovely, lovable, and worthy.

    Here is the most controversial one: telling the kids. Depending on the kid’s ages, they will know something is up. I cannot hide anything from my kids because they are both extremely intuitive. For example, they know things without being told. Dad comes home in a bad mood? Both my youngest and oldest will say: Dad has been talking to his mom again. Then my oldest son will find a way to confirm it. To be clear, these are not things I have told them or taught them. They have experienced my in-laws just like I have and have drawn their own conclusions. Kids are not stupid. One time my MIL sent my son a $100 bill to try to buy him. Then she video conferenced with him and us. She asked him, “How do you like that $100 bill?” and my son blandly said, “People use money to buy friends and control people” and he left it at that. I have never said such a thing to him, so I was shocked. My oldest knows human nature without it having been taught to him and it is pretty incredible. He is naturally wiser than most adults I have met. It’s like someone put a very seasoned and wise adult inside a child’s body and I am continually shocked by his insight. So…. if this were to happen in my situation, I would tell the kids. My oldest had a best-friend from pre-k through 4th grade until the kid moved away. The kid’s mom was a prison psychologist having an affair with an inmate. She left her husband (and the kids father) for the inmate. The poor kid always had stomach aches and told my son in great detail about his mom’s affair, the divorce, and all of the physical and mental pain he was in. My son was that poor kid’s lifeline. My son also notices when the nurses check my husband out at work if he is visiting the clinic. He has said things like: “If a woman tried to break-up our family, I would not allow her to and do whatever it took.” To be clear, I don’t tell my sons what I do as a job. They just know that I ‘help people feel better” if they are going through a period of time where they “don’t feel their best.” I don’t talk about infidelity or adult relationships with them, not even within ear shot. My round about point is that kids will always know more than you think. Always. (Unless they are under 5.) So, unless those kids in the scenario above are under 5, they are going to know something is wrong. Children are more wise than we think. As they say– “out of the mouths of babes.”

    But, let me stress that telling the kids may NOT BE the right thing to do. The point that I am making is that most children will know what is going on to some degree.

    However, it is up to the parent to make the decision whether to tell or not and the parent knows best. That is solely the decision of the parent and not anyone else’s to make.

    By the way, I would never tell someone they had to do something, only what I would do in the same circumstance OR what research has shown what might work. Deep inside, everyone has the answer to what they need. But, they often need to talk with (trusted) others and consult different view points in order to explore that answer and validate it. No one should have to do anything anyone else says– just what they feel they need to do at a soul level.

    Thus, the above is offered solely as what I would do, but not what this person must do. There is a big difference.

    Finally, where do I get all these opinions from? Is there any evidence that my suggestions might help the wayward spouse wake up? Yes, I am going back to the evidence provided in a book by Dr. James Dobson about what female betrayed spouses can do to have their best shot at keeping their marriage. Even though it is against common sense, Dr. Dobson found that giving consistent tough love to the wayward spouse is the greatest hope a wife has to keep him. Plus, it puts the wife back into a power position. When someone has an affair, there is a power imbalance and this helps equalize the power balance. What is most interesting about this book is that Dr. Dobson runs the Christian organization Focus on the Family. Logically, it would seem he would be the last person to write about kicking the husband out and freezing him out of your life. But that is what he says and it makes the message all the more surprising. Here is the book if you want to read it:

    https://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X

    That’s all, folks.

    • Robin October 11, 2017 at 7:29 am #

      Wow
      I have a son like yours.
      One of God’s angels x

      • Sarah P. October 11, 2017 at 3:20 pm #

        Very cool, Robin. Indeed, one of God’s angels. What does your son do?

  5. TheFirstWife October 11, 2017 at 8:00 am #

    I wonder (seems as most of us here in EAJ are parents) what we would do if we found out our son or daughter was cheating on their spouse?

    • Sarah P. October 11, 2017 at 3:53 pm #

      Hi TFW,

      I will answer that.

      My aunt was faced with this choice. My cousin started dating a girl when he was 15 and it lasted until they were about 25. During those 10 years, the girl became closer than a daughter to my aunt. All three would go on extended trips around the world and my aunt would pay for these trips. I had met the girl several times and everyone in the family loved her. Everyone we assumed they would get married. Well, my cousin got spending money for college and graduate school by working on fishing boats in Alaska for 3 months at a time. During that last summer, his girlfriend met a much older man who she ended up sleeping with him all summer. She told my cousin the truth and my aunt the truth when my cousin returned. They were both SHATTERED. I cannot tell you the pain they went through. My aunt felt devastated because she was betrayed by someone who was a daughter, best friend, and confidant to her. My cousin felt even worse. Both my aunt and my cousin were ready to work through it with her because she meant so much to them. But, the older man ended up convincing her that he was a better fit for her and off she went.

      It was VERY SAD.

      My cousin went to an Ivy League for a second Master’s degree and met someone there while he was on the rebound. The warning signs were there about this woman, but he just could not go through another break up. They married and had two kids. They are in their late 40’s now. HIs wife is evil. One of her children almost died under her care because of something she did and let’s just say that if my cousin would have been home a minute later, the child would have been dead. The child was hospitalized for a week and at death’s door almost the entire time. Also wanted to say that there is pretty strong evidence that this woman has cheated on him and views her children as an inconvenience that will guarantee her a lot of money when she does leave. And I think she will. And I believe she will re-locate to Spain with one of her lovers. (I know a lot that I am not sharing.)

      So, my cousin has lived this. In one case, my cousin and my aunt wanted to work through it. I know that in the second case, they will both be relieved when his wife leaves. And I know my aunt hopes the wife will leave. My aunt has been banned from visiting them because the kids tell her about the abuse they suffer at the hands of their mom. The mom figured that out and does not allow contact with my aunt. (My aunt is an attorney and still at a loss on what to do. She knows the laws and knows her hands are tied.)

      Isn’t that just a crazy-sad situation?

      Me, my aunt, my parents, my grandparents, and others aunts and uncles all live on one coast and my cousin and his wife live on the other. There is very little we can do. And we are all extremely concerned for the well-being of these children.

      Before I became a mom, I had compassion for all children who were being mis-treated. After I became a mom, something was triggered in my brain and I felt like I had actually become a mom to ALL children. Something very primal was triggered and when I see any child suffering, it is like watching my own suffer. So, when I hear about my cousin’s children being abused, I get angry and I want to go all ‘incredible hulk’ on the mom.

      Sarah

      • TheFirstWife October 11, 2017 at 5:45 pm #

        This is heartbreaking.

        So sad to read and even worse to witness.

        I feel sorry for the kids and dad in that family – hoping for a better future for them.

      • Shifting Impressions October 11, 2017 at 7:04 pm #

        Sarah….that is a really tragic situation. I can’t help but ask why your cousin isn’t protecting his children?? He is the one with the power here. He is waiting for her to leave??? Your cousin needs to go all Incredible Hulk on his wife!!

        • Sarah P. October 11, 2017 at 7:24 pm #

          Hi Shifting,

          I do not understand either. But, I can give you some insight into my cousin. He suffered a tremendous tragedy as a 14-year-old boy. His father committed suicide at his mistress’s house. Before that, his father was hooked on cocaine that his mistress supplied to him. When he was high, he would beat my cousin. My aunt and uncle were both attorneys and my uncle married into the family. They were very wealthy and my uncle had bi-polar disorder he chose not to treat. He committed suicide when my aunt left with my cousin, filed for divorce, and went into hiding.

          My cousin and my aunt both stuffed the pain down and never got therapy.

          My cousin works 80 hours a week on Wall Street and uses work to numb-out. He is a genius when it comes to finance and investing. He suppresses his feelings through his work where he creates funds that others invest in. It’s one of those jobs where the company would like him there 24/7 and encourages everyone to spend their life there.

          HIs wife in controlling and has separated him from our family. He was so close to my grandparents and also close to his father’s side of the family. His father’s side of the family is GREAT and his father was the bad boy. Not sure why his dad was that way. Anyhow, she doesn’t want him connecting with us or any of his friends he made in high school. She doesn’t want him speaking with my aunt.

          Now, I if I came from a family of narcissists, I would understand. But, I do not. No family is perfect, but our family is very supportive.

          My cousin’s wife came from two severely alcoholic narcissistic parents and she has followed in their path. She is now the alcoholic narcissist. I think since my cousin was abused, this may seem normal to him. He just suppresses his feelings and numbs with work. He does not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don’t have a relationship with him because she makes sure he talks to no one.

          Everyone is locked out, so we cannot really help. I do not understand why he allows it. It is REALLY sad.

          I wish I could make in-roads but he will barely talk to his own mom, so there is no way he will talk to me.

          I pray for those kids daily.

          • Shifting Impressions October 12, 2017 at 2:18 pm #

            Sarah…..that is so tragic. I always find it interesting how one person is able to wield such power over others. Just your statement “She makes sure he talks to no one” gives me the chills. Unfortunately the power still lies with him…..he just doesn’t realize it. I mean no one is under surveillance twenty-four seven. If people can find ways to cheat on their spouses surely people this controlled can find a way to talk to the people they need to talk to.

            I guess the key word here is controlled…..they have lost their power. So tragic. And of course the children pay the price….just as your cousin did when he was a child.

            • Sarah P. October 12, 2017 at 5:55 pm #

              Yes, it is a very tragic situation. The other issue is that he is so numbed-out and brainwashed that I am not even sure he would listen if someone like me were to call.

              Like his mom, he will not look at the pain of what they went through.

              My aunt has still not looked at it, although she talks about it constantly in a detached way.

              But, when you ask her about her feelings, she visualizes this giant box that she is sitting on with an enormous monster inside. She thinks if she opens the box the monster will eat her alive. The monster represents the repressed feelings.

              She has modeled that behavior for my cousin.

              The saddest part is that he has huge parts of his memories missing and those involve the people who cared for him most. Since my cousin’s dad was off-the-wall for a good part of his life, my great-aunt would live with them for extended periods and raise my cousin. She was a retired school teacher, a skilled prayer-warrior, and an excellent person. She was life life-line.

              But, my aunt told my mom recently that my cousin hardly remembers our great-aunt. If someone were to talk about this great aunt to my cousin even 7 years ago he would have told you how she was like a second mom. And so this is all very shocking to us. My cousin went from one abuser to the other. I am afraid for him but he sees all of us who have been there for him as enemies– his wife has made him believe that. And the kids are in a monster trap. It is truly insane. I would take custody of those kids in an instant if it were possible. But if my cousin’s mom (my aunt) cannot get his attention, no one can. They used to be super close and inseparable in a good way.

              This is what happens when a someone marries a truly evil person. For all of you who have single adult children, teach them well. Of course, this doesn’t guarantee anything but at least you can say you tried your best. That’s all we can do as parents.

              • Hopeful October 16, 2017 at 8:28 am #

                That is so sad and complicated. I think when anyone is in the thick of it that it can be hard to see the reality. And I know it can be very hard if not impossible to take kids away from their mother. And I have seen many cases where the dad feels like it is better to have access and even be present at a distance instead of divorcing since I assume custody would not work out in his favor. Between being the father and with his career and work schedule she would most likely get primary custody then he would be more cut off from him. If there is some form of abuse and neglect going on and it has not been detected with a hospital stay he is probably it is luck. With my kids even having a simple broken bone from an Injury witnessed by others we were all separated parents and siblings to get our stories before we could hear each other tell the hospital staff and this was not a major accident or hospital stay.

                Bottom line is like you said Sarah there are no guarantees when you get married but be careful especially if you plan to have kids. For all much husband did he did not damage our kids. He was not there for them as much as he could have been and did not support me the best he could and that is hard for him. I have a feeling your cousin is telling himself whatever he has to in order to get through his day to day just like betrayed spouses do. And he is dealing with a lot of history. Hopefully some day he will figure things out and find peace.

  6. TryingHard October 11, 2017 at 8:51 am #

    What Sarah P said. Why should she wait around fir some kind of epiphany. Why is she letting other people make all the decisions how her life is going to go? I especially like the idea of calling the state department. Quit being the victim and so helpless.

  7. TheFirstWife October 11, 2017 at 9:23 am #

    Well it it not that easy to pull the plug.

    She’s a stay at home mom. Let’s assume $ is a concern.

    It was for me.

    My H earns 3x what I earn AND I cannot afford the house and expenses w/out him.

    When his A was happening and I side of 2 weeks he us telling me about A & DDay1 and D two weeks later – I was very concerned about $. I had no ides if he would make the next mortgage payment.

    Do I put a 90 day plan in place. $ and therapist were first order of business. I started putting $ in my own name every chance I could. I had a PO box in my name. All my mail went there. I changed every life insurance policy so he could not change any beneficiaries (to protect my children).

    at 90 days we were in a much better place so I no longer needed the mediator or D lawyer. But I still had $ in my name and that continues to this day. And kept with the therapist.

    Where children are involved it is not so easy to just kick the kying and chrating spouse to the curb.

    You need a plan.

    What and how to tell your children. i fid not tell my kids anything until DDay2 and only we were having problems and trying to work them out. But I had plans to leave him so I was just stalling on giving kids info. It was Christmas and I wasn’t going to ruin it for anyone.

    But I was not going to tell them the details – he was going to have to do that. His mess to clean up. Not mine.

    I know it is not an easy decision to make when your spouse is openly cheating. You hold out hope you can get past it and R. I know I did.

    But I was also smart enough to know that 6 months was more than enough and I was not able to tolerate it any more. His lying and cheating was disrespectful and awful.

    But at DDay2 I had enough $ for a year (in case he did not pay child support or anything). So there was a difference in what I could do at DDay1 and Dday2.

    I could not cut off my nose to spite my face. Not when there are kids involved. I had to suck it up – 90 days was the plan.

    You know the song – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!!!

  8. Joan October 13, 2017 at 8:26 pm #

    It’s been months since I posted and it was under a different name. It’s now almost 5 months since dday. Pretty much nothing has changed. He continues the affair. I continue to be a doormat and try to get him to choose….end the affair…tell me his feelings…anything.

    I know that I need to be strong and tell him to choose me and end it or her and leave. But I still don’t. I’m a passive person who refuses to do what I need to do. I can’t say why. Therapy is helping but she says I’ll get there one day when I’m ready.

    I have panic attacks all day. My blood pressure is 159 over 95. I am pretty sure he will kill me with the stress levels.

    I know what I have to do. I really do know that how I am handling it is all wrong. But I can’t stop it.

    I broke into his phone the other night and read texts between them. Made me want to vomit. I told him I’d had it and to choose. Then I backed down to the,same old me pleading for him to give me intimacy and love and affection.

    I asked him if he had long term promise with her and he said no she’ll never leave her husband. I asked him what they had that we don’t have. He said he can’t believe it’s latest this long all they do is fight. I saw her picture. She’s ugly outside too. Shes a year older than me so its not that.

    I plead for him to treat me like a wife instead of the mutually respectful relationship that we have. We are kind to each other we co parent well we go on family trips. But we are only that.

    He recently agreed that his family upbringing was one that his father is,still married to his first wife after 60 years and he still respects her as his,wife. They haven’t lived together in years. His dad had children with 2 other women after her. My husband’s mother was the last. He cheated on them all they all knew it and tolerated it. I told him he can only break that cycle. He would love me as his wife and mother of his children forever but never give me the other part of his heart. That’s just not enough for me but i love him with all my being and still feel that he can change and wake up.

    He says he knows he has to get his shit together real fast. But he just gives me no idea what he is thinking.

    If not for my kids I think I’d either be locked up in a looney bin or run my car in to a wall. Am I so wrong to keep up faith?

    So lost

  9. Angela October 14, 2017 at 6:30 am #

    She needs to tell him just to move the heck out. That’s going to be the wake-up call, not birthdays, not Christmas, no holiday is going to wake him up. I don’t even think the mistress is coming. I think he’s trying to figure out how to have a girlfriend and a wife at the same time. I think he’s a big powered executive with access to a lot of money for attorneys and he’s trying to scare his wife into the situation he wants. She should change the locks and go ahead and put his ass in the street. Besides, it doesn’t even say if the mistress in Brazil is married or not. I don’t remember it saying that she is anyway. I seriously doubt she’s ready to uproot herself and move to another country entirely to be with a man who’s got an ex-wife and two kids.

    • theresa October 15, 2017 at 8:46 pm #

      It’s time to protect yourself and your children do not assume he will come back or “do the right thing” if he continues on this path.
      Easiest thing first, change the locks. Things have changed and he can not assume your continued assistance in his future endeavors, including the creature comforts.
      Read this https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-most-powerful-technique-to-save-your-marriage/
      Get professional advice, lawyer, pi, counsellor. Don’t pick them because they’re nice.
      Follow the money, he has probably already started to feather his new nest. Make sure that your nest (the one you will share with your children) is not a one room bird house.

      Has he spoken of his future plans to anyone else? Sounds like it may be time to “alert the media”. The site Marriage Builders has lots of info on this.
      Do not share your plans with him. He doesn’t care, unless it affects him negatively.
      Go get a manicure.

  10. Vicki October 17, 2017 at 6:16 pm #

    Jason has an attorney and has already drawn up divorce papers. The very first thing Shannon needs to do is find an attorney NOW!!! He probably hasn’t filed the papers because once that is done he will be accountable with how he spends their money. In Texas, even if she is a stay at home mom, Jason will have to continue to financially support her and the kids while she gets on her feet, in a way they are currently accustomed, even after he moves out. If she asks him to move out, or locks him out, before she has legal discovery on him, and a financial agreement IN WRITING of some kind, he will be free to blow their money however he wants. He will look for nice place, and buy all new stuff while she is stuck with the old. He will do this with his new lady in mind, and Shannon will have no control. She should not trust any verbal agreements he has made with her. This limbo state is a very dangerous time for the financial future of her family, even if he ultimately decides to stay in the marriage. Shannon should seriously look up the meaning of limerance, there are many podcasts and articles on the net. This will give her an idea of his state of mind, and that there is not much she can do except protect herself, and her kids, and even the future of their marriage from his temporary lapse in judgement. In the meantime, she needs to pull herself up by her bootstraps, and begin a new life of her own, with new activities outside of their normal family routine. This will help give her confidence, in one of the lowest points of her life, and make her more attractive to him. She can make great plans for the birthdays and holidays without his input. If she continues with celebratory “status quo” through these holidays, she’s setting herself up for heartbreak, as his mind will continue to be in Brazil even as their children blow out the birthday candles. The best chance she has to keep her family intact right now, or protect her children’s financial comfort if he leaves, is to grow a backbone. It’s so hard, but he’s not going to listen to a word she says, and she can’t trust a word he says, it takes action, and not just hoping things will get better by osmosis. It hurts so much, I know, but he is simply not thinking about her or the kids right now, and especially once he is out of the house. If she takes charge, without threats or ultimatums, and with her and her children’s rights and interests put in first place, as it should be, she might be surprised at the change in him. Again, whether or not she still wants the marriage, she needs to speak with an attorney YESTERDAY.

  11. TryingHard October 18, 2017 at 8:25 am #

    Vicki— I haven’t seen you as a commenter here before but I hope you stick around. You gave great advice. I could not agree with you more.

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