Happy Wednesday!

As 2011 fast approaches, it is typically a time to reflect on the past year and look forward to, and plan for the new year. For many of us, it is a time for setting goals and making resolutions.

With this in mind…What are your goals and/or resolutions with respect to your relationship and/or your affair recovery? Are there things you need to work on personally to make your marriage stronger? Is this a good time to commit to educating yourself about affairs, relationships and love? How can you work on yourself to help you become stronger and to help you heal?

You might want to read “The Awakening” if you haven’t already done so. It’s very inspiring.

Please respond to each other in the comment section.

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

    41 replies to "Discussion: Your New Year’s Goals for Affair Recovery"

    • mil

      Linda, how much do you now trust Doug? Are you convinced he will not do it again? I don’t suppose we can ask you if you ‘spy’ as he reads your answers LOL, but does the fact he seems to be so sincere on this site make him less fallible than all our spouses? I hope this doesn’t sound mean but he is basically a cheat who is now giving advice and comfort to betrayed spouses?? x

      • Doug

        mil, How much do I trust Doug? That is a difficult question. My therapist asked me the same thing – how was my trust on a scale of 1 to 10 . I told him on good days a 7, and he said that was great. However when Doug is preoccupied with work or very busy it goes down to a 3-4 and I do check phone records, Facebook,etc. Doug is aware that I do check. I know there are no guarantees that he will never cheat again, just like there are no guarantees I will be alive tomorrow. I know that we are trying to everything we can to make our marriage strong and secure.

        I know you may see Doug as a cheat who is giving advice, however to me he is a man that made a mistake, has learned and made many changes to become a better man, husband and father. I am very proud of him and I hope that his experience can help anyone who has been through this situation. Linda

    • ruth

      Linda Doug made one mistake and he is paying for it and so are you. My h has made in the last 35 yrs SEVERAL MISTAKE 3 PA and god knows how many one night stands! I am tried of trying to be number one. I guess I really have never been. But why does he stay?? I have given him every oppertunity to leave why keep cheating on me why why why? I am so unhappy now, I thought we were on a path of getting happy again until I found that he tried to contact her again after almost a year. Guess he is not over his fog yet. New Year I WILL BE A NEW ME!!! Linda I do believe Doug as you do or he wouldn’t be trying so hard.

    • Ceeg

      A couple of thoughts mil. From a FWH’s (2 mo. EA ending 2/10) perspective, I don’t think that my BS will ever be ‘convinced’. All I can ask is that she ALLOWS me to be the ‘new’ me. What does this mean?

      It is a me that now knows the horror I caused, but will now offer transparency, try my darndest to meet her EN’s, and in the end… I still have NO assurance that this will be enough. She may still choose to move on. I accept this.

      At times I fight with my own shame, and find it hard to just ‘be me’. I buried my resentments (some valid, most not) over the years. She has a much more assertive personality than I, so now the reality of me standing up for myself and disagreeing at times (in love) is healthy for us, but uncomfortable at the same time. We are not as we were. I see that as a tragic loss, but one that we can build an even better foundation on now. She sees it as a tragic loss that she does not know if she can ever really move past. We have been M 20+ years with 3 children. Two adult and one toddler.

      One last thought. My $.02 on the whole ‘once a cheater…’ statement is this… If I have made the decision in my heart and with my God to stay in this marriage and not stray again. If I have seen the ignorance, selfishness, and pain I have caused for us, and resolve to not allow that again. If I am not lying to her or myself. Then that is ALL I can offer. I do not believe I am doomed to repeat a behavior that I choose to move beyond. If I believe that, I would not be working hard. I would move on. I hope that over time my BS can trust me again and respect me as who I am NOW. Without that eventual inroad to her heart again (however gradual), I fear a dissolution of our M. That is my one big fear. Not my resolve, but her re-acceptance of me.

      There are no guarantees. It is a 50-50 proposition. Sobering, but my new reality.

      But… I love this W of mine, for the woman she is.

    • Yuki

      I resolve to move forward in some way every day. Even on bad days, I will find some way to do something constructive for myself. I have found exercise and prayer to be so helpful in lifting my spirits. I will step it up in both areas so that I have fewer and fewer bad days.

    • ruth

      Ceeg at least you are making and effort my h has no made an effort just that he thing no contact is all the effort he should put into it and i should just forget about it. Actions speak louded than words. If i saw real effort that would be one thing but there is none. Thank you for your imput.

    • ruth

      My h is making no effort and he thinks that no contact is the only effort he should put forth. (I meant to say)

    • mil

      Sorry again to be negative but Ruth, how do we know that Doug only made ONE mistake or was he only caught that once? I now know that my H had some sort of relationship 9 years ago with the OW’s predecessor at work but that’s only cos the OW told me in some spiteful revenge when I confronted her.
      Thanks Ceeg, you sound very similar to my H and Doug. You all sound very sincere but what value can we put on the descretion of a man who has broken our hearts (and I still think it was the being caught not the actual doing it that made my H regret it so much). I wonder if there would be any qualms if there was 100% guarantee of not being caught but of course because this can’t be guaranteed it is too big a risk to do it yet AGAIN.
      I think you are all truly remorseful for the pain you have caused but is that only because you’re having such a hard time of it yourselves now and seeing the heartbreak you have caused and paying the price?
      SURELY you knew this would be the consequence or, like my H, did you think YOU would never be caught??
      I know this sounds very callous but my life has been destroyed by all this and I am very bitter. I wish I could move on but as time goes on I feel less and less inclined to forgive and give myself totally to a man who has wrecked my life. Maybe I hoped I would be ‘over’ it by now but I am getting more and more resentful that he’s expecting me to be normal again and calls me a psycho because I can’t and says I’m inventing things that never happened.
      Don’t get me wrong, he does everything he can to be loving etc. but flips when I bring her up or try to question him and that’s when he goes on the defence with his nastiness.

    • Jenn

      I LOVE this quote from ‘The Awakening’ article you have attached to this poll:
      You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

      Forgiveness is the key. I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect, and while I do not show my imperfection by having an affair, I have personality quirks that cause imperfections of my own. I may judge others, I may raise an eyebrow (in my mind) when someone says something I disagree with, I may tell a white lie on occasion (YES, I do LOVE your pig riding a dinosaur sculpture, daughter), and I may hurt beyond belief when I think about what my husband did. But I know he is human, and he is trying to move past this horrible mistake. I have to be able to recognize that I am also a fallible human with the same predisposition to be wrong, imperfect, and just plain bad at times–no different than my husband. I can’t expect him to hold all the keys to my happiness, and I can’t expect him to repay this debt that has an unattainable fee attached to it. There is NO way he can do enough, say enough, or act perfectly enough to repay me for the pain and crap he brought into my life.
      That’s why forgiveness releases me of this heavy burden of disbelief, humiliation, and betrayal. It doesn’t release the fact that he ruined a part of my life, but there is still so much yet to be lived, and I refuse to allow 10 months of junk to ruin my future. He has turned, apologized many times, and is making efforts. Only time will heal the trust issues I have, but I am determined to have a happy life, hopefully with the same man I married 12.5 years ago, and have 2 beautiful children with.
      He made a horrendous mistake, but we don’t have to sit in the gray clouds of his affair. I truly believe it is no longer an issue, but it will take a long time to heal. Forgiveness is the key, though. Release yourself through forgiving the one who betrayed you (he/she can never repay the debt anyway!), and healing can begin……..

      • Doug

        Great stuff Jenn. Many can learn from your words.

    • violinist

      I need to find balance between fixing my marriage, recovering from the EA, and giving my kids the attention and love they need. Tonight my son left me a note saying he has felt very lonely lately. The same thing my H was feeling prior to his EA. I have gone from neglecting my H for the sake of the kids to neglecting the kids for the sake of my H and marriage. So sad to have done that to either. I feel like there is not enough of me to go around.

    • violinist

      Jenn, you have such an inspiring perspective. You are right, the debt can never be repaid. We must make our peace with that and move forward, for the future is the only thing we can do anything about.

    • Jenny

      I am going to bring in 2011 by concentrating on what my husband didn’t do rather than what he did. He let himself become emotionally involved with another woman, but he didn’t leave me for her, didn’t stop loving me and didn’t let it become a full blown physical affair. He was tempted and made mistakes, but I need to truly forgive him if we are going to move on and have a happy life. It is so tempting to stay in role of wronged wife. It is a place where I get to be right, justifiably hurt and given constant attention. It, however, isn’t a place where I can be happy and live to the true potential of who I can be.

      There are no guarantees that he will never do this again. He tries to give them to me all of the time, but that isn’t the way life works. It is ever changing. I have to put my faith in the truth that no matter what happens I won’t be person that is afraid to love. I’ve decided I can do that. That is what I am going concentrate on in 2011.

      • Doug

        Jenny, I agree that all of us should concentrate on the positive, it is very easy to continue the role of victim. At some point we need to move on for our own happiness, and when we do that we will learn that we have more control over our lives. Linda

    • Jenny

      Linda, this is something I’ve been trying to do since I found out about his emotional affair, but it isn’t easy. I have had several lapses back into the role of victim. There is something so tempting about it. I am trying for figure out why I let myself get pulled back time and again. It is my New Year’s resolution not to let it happen any more. I can’t realistically say every day will be roses and sunshine, but I can commit to not losing myself in the pain that our relationship may bring. My husband is honestly trying to make things better. I have to accept that he isn’t perfect. We’ve both made mistakes and surely will again. It is how we learn and move on from those mistakes that will define who we are and will be in the future. No one is forcing either one of us to be here. We have chosen to stay in our relationship and now we need to choose to make it strong and happy because that is the only relationship worth having.

      • Doug

        Jenny, when you figure out why we both relapse and try to seek attention in a negative way let me know. I know that it produces distance and sadness but I keep falling into the same pattern. I do know that it takes the attention away from our marriage and back to the OP and wondering if I am good enough. I wonder why I want to stay in that place. This is something that I really need to resolve in order to move on. Linda

    • Lostinlove

      I too wonder, why…….a million times.
      How…….a billion times
      What……don’t I know….
      It’s like a seizure, it comes upon me…it takes over my mind and crushes my heart….I can’t feel any air….almost as if the area directly around me is an airless bubble…my hearing fades…but I am still here..I keep wondering if I am going to disappear. Or if the well of pain, surrounding my burning heart will consume me….My new years …who will know what my tomorrow will bring…as much as I love him. I know that his EA has shown me, he doesn’t love me the way I want to be loved…..and I don’t know if I can move forward with that….

    • ruth

      lostin love my seniments exactly. I couldn’t of said it better. I feel the same way.

    • Jenny

      Linda, I can’t begin to speak for you, but I do think I’m beginning to get a handle on why I relapse. I think one of the reasons is because I know it will get his attention. I feel horrible even saying that, but as much as I hate to admit it about myself I think it is true. It isn’t that I want to torture him with the pain that he caused me, but I think I’m afraid that if I completely forgive and move on he will act like this never happened. I think that by keeping it alive it gives me a reason to hear the assurances that I need to hear from him. I think I’m afraid that if we go back to being comfortable in our relationship he will get bored and want to find the excitement that his emotional affair brought him. I’ve got to have faith that I’m enough to keep him here without the drama of my pain. If I’m not then that is his problem. I’m choosing to be happy.

      • Doug

        Jenny, I believe you are right, that is why I really need to work on my confidence and begin looking at the affair and Tanya in a totally different light. I have focused so much on them, their “wonderful relationship” etc. that I really failed to look at it for what it was, a choice by Doug that had little to do with my personality, my looks, the person that I am. I have realized that my thinking and emotions have become way off base and I need to pull back to reality and find the person I was before the affair.

        I also believe that I also am afraid to let it all go because then he will think that it was ok. The damage was done but I was able to heal and everything was fine in the end. I also want to hear the assurances but the way I go about them ends up shooting me in the foot. I want comparisons and Doug is not willing to do that, or the way he does it makes me feel worse than when I began. It all goes back to my confidence and believing that I am a person that is desirable. The affair took so much away from me and it has been a struggle bringing it all back. Linda

    • Jenny

      Linda, I think we’re in very similar places on this crazy journey. I’m reading a book about the power of our sub-conscious. One of the things that has really rung true with me while reading this book is how much power our conscious thoughts have over our sub-conscious and in turn our entire lives. When I choose to dwell on all of the negative things about my relationship and my husband’s EA. I assume that role of victim in every area of my life. I have the power to stop the thoughts. It isn’t easy, but I do. Last night was a night when I could have fallen apart. It was filled with triggers for me, but rather crying and going through everything in my mind over and over again I decided to stay positive. Today I had one of the most honest and productive discussions I’ve had with my husband since all of this started. I told him ways I wanted to see our relationship change. I didn’t use my feelings as a weapon against him. I was just honest and rather than him feeling guilty and me sitting there in tears we connected and I felt heard.

    • ingoodtimesandbad

      Linda or Doug, I’d like to ask you for any suggestions you may have for me. How did you get Doug to open up to you.(Doug, what worked for you?) My H still has not done that and it’s been 5 months since she called it off due to me talking with her then her preacher. He is still here but like with one foot out the door. I want to change the things that were wrong in our marriage but he doesn’t even want to talk about fixing things. Where do I go from here. I haven’t been nagging him or talking about the OW since he moved back home. Trying to be the perfect wife, but get nothing in return but small gestures of kindness. I’m hurt but he doesn’t even seem to care. I think he is just playing nice here until he saves enough money to leave. He still works with her so it’s a constant reminder to him I’m sure.

      • Doug

        Ingoodtimes, The thing that worked for me was the way that Linda talked, and listened. She was never confrontational, angry or condecending. She would repeat what I said in order to get agreement from me as well as for her own understanding. It was usually a conversation, as opposed to an interrogation. Occasionally, there were some interrogation like sessions, and those were the ones where I would shut down.

        Why doesn’t he want to talk about “fixing” things? How long has he been back in the home? Perhaps it’s time for a little bit of “tough” love.

        • ingoodtimesandbad

          He has been back since July. We are not fightig like we were last year before I even knew about the affair. I think he was picking fights to rationalize his actions that things were bad at home. But he had stopped wearing his wedding band several years before. He didn’t like people at work to know about his home life. Work was work/ home was home. Hindsight 20/20. It made it easy to fall into a relationship he shouldn’t have. He still doesn’t think what he did was wrong. When he moved back home he said he was here for the kids but that he wanted a divorce by the end of the year. He has not actively sought after a divorce. He stated he wanted me to do it and he would just sign the papers. I’m not the one that wants the divorce so I don;t see why I should have to do all the work. He claims it was because he is cheap that he didn’t seek a divorce 2 years ago prior to the affair. He has been giving me some money every 2 weeks to help with bills and puting the rest of his check into a separate savings account. He has the cell phone in his name but I’m not allowed to see records. He didn’t like that I invaded his privacy. He told me and our kids he would leave in January and relocate with his job 2000 miles away and he would just see them when they were adults.

    • Jenny

      Linda, I also wanted to tell you that when you experience doubts about letting go and trusting Doug again you should go back read what he wrote about his experience this Christmas. It is so clear that he loves you and realizes what he could have lost. I think it is sometimes too easy for us to forget the treasures we hold in our experiences together.

    • christina

      I am nervous to state resolutions for the fear of the failure that comes along. but, here it goes:
      To be true to myself and my heart
      To make sure that the decisions I am making reflect who I am and what I want out of life
      To forgive the EA and learn how to move forward with or without my boyfriend
      To continue to learn more everyday about myself
      To be kind to myself and learn not to compare her to me
      To understand that everything happens for a reason
      To know that I can handle this- I am strong enough
      To know that whatever comes out of our situation I loved him wholeheartedly and never held myself back
      To learn to quiet my mind.
      I delivered my tough love letter yesterday and am scared. I feel like I am giving them permission to see each other now that I am letting him go. I guess they could be in contact regardless of me letting it go? It’s hard, my biggest fear is that they will continue to bond and he will completely disconnect from me. Aaahhh, what is that serenity prayer about? Knowing how to let go of things that you can not change. . .. . Maybe I need to look that up.

      • Doug

        Great resolutions Christina. I would make sure that you write them down and keep them with you and review them daily. Good luck.

    • Donna

      Jenn. HOW do I forgive? I just don’t know where to start?

      I will write more on this post later!

      • Jenn

        Hi Donna,

        It’s NOT easy. It took a LOT of self-examination on my part. I am a Christian, and that helped tremendously. A book I read, “When Forgiveness Doesn’t Make Sense” by Robert Jeffress changed my viewpoint. Here’s a link:
        http://www.amazon.com/When-Forgiveness-Doesnt-Make-Sense/dp/1578562473

        I realized that my husband was not perfect, and tried to understand what led to his affair. It was all him. In a 3 year time span, his beloved stepfather died, he was in a horrific car wreck where he could have been killed, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer when I was 6 months pregnant, we had the 2nd child which causes additional stress in the marriage, and he did not handle these stressful events in a mature manner. He looked elsewhere for fun and lightness to escape the weight of his reality.
        It had nothing to do with me. Although the betrayer will lead you to believe these things to justify the horrible treatment of you, it’s not you. Once I came to terms with the fact that he is human and is not my “golden husband”, I had compassion for him and what he did. He hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life, and I grew up in an abusive home. I NEVER though he would do anything like this, but he did.
        I prayed to God for my husband to come back to me, and it’s getting there. We are not where I want us to be, but we are getting there. And the forgiveness process is a process, but I had to see enough from my husband to know he was no longer involved with the OW. And I had to let go a little–I had to let go of some of the pain, and it’s like holding onto a rope that someone is pulling. The harder I held on, the more hurt I would experience–after loosening my grip, my hurt lessened somewhat. Forgiveness does NOT release your husband of what he did, but it allows YOU the chance to get rid of some of the feelings that you hold onto as a result of his actions. Best wishes, Donna!

        • Jenn

          A few more things–I did NOT settle for halfway. I made it very clear what I would accept and what I would not. The OW would NOT be a part of our life in any way, shape, or form, and I told my husband I expected certain things from him also. I KNEW he could be better than he was, so I tried to encourage that in him. I don’t want you tho think I was a wallflower, “just wait and hope” sort of wife when it came to this. I told him he would either come back as my husband and everything that entailed (devotion to me and our family, making me a priority, etc….), or it would not work. We also sat down together, and wrote a list of what we would commit to for each other. We read it regularly to keep the focus. Another thing we do together is a nightly devotional. It gets us together daily to focus on each other and what is important. This can ONLY work if your husband is committed to the marriage, completely. I had to “fight” to get him back, but our Family & history was worth it. I’ll go ahead and post it here, in case someone can be helped by it:

          COMMITMENT:
          1. We are married.
          2. We will talk with, not at, each other in a way that glorifies the Lord and invites productive dialogue.
          3. We will share without the judgment of others.
          4. We will not fight without praying either at the beginning or the end.
          5. We will pray together, period.
          6. We will counter negatives with something positive. (If we can’t come up with something positive then we have major problems.)
          7. We will celebrate what works.
          8. We will forgive the past (not forget, forgive) and focus on what lies ahead.
          9. We will be sensitive to THE OTHER PERSON’S NEEDS AND FEELINGS when we talk. We are not two islands, we are one body.
          10. We will provide (our children) with a sense of security and peace in their lives despite whatever may be happening in ours at the moment.
          11. We will honor each other in actions, thoughts, and speech.
          12. We will commit to reading relationship books on a regular basis and discuss so we can learn and grow.
          13. We will learn each other’s love language and commit to giving each other what they need and not what we think they need because we don’t always know.
          14. We will not allow pride to blind us of our faults in a situation. Apologize first.
          15. We will tell each other we love each other each day.
          16. We will appreciate each other verbally and physically.
          17. We will not take issues inside our marriage outside of our marriage.
          18. We will forgive me when I (my husband) don’t always get this right.
          19. We will not leave unless physical harm is threatened.
          20. We will strive to recognize a need and not view it in a negative light.
          21. We will strive to BE married, not just talk about being married. (This means actions, not simply intentions.)
          22. We will realize what matters/is important to the other person, and be sensitive to that, making efforts to participate.
          23. We will realize that our marriage is the most important relationship we have, and take efforts to protect it from harm.
          24. We will not associate with people who are not true friends of our marriage outside of a civil relationship.

          • Doug

            This is excellent Jenn. Thank you so much for sharing.

    • ingoodtimesandbad

      He has been home for 5 months. We haven’t been fighting. He still sleeps in our bed. He is intimate somewhat with me only if I initiate. He contibrutes some financial help but the majority of bills are paid by me. He was planning on moving in January several states away but has since told me that he was staying here because the kids didn’t want him to move. I was hoping the fog was lifting but it hasn’t all the way. He has told me he wanted a divorce by the first of the year but hasn’t served me w/papers. He told me when he moved back that I could get the paperwork and he would just sign. He doesn’t want to have to pay for 2 lawyers. He knows if he gets a lawyer, I would get my own. He knows I don’t believe in divorce and I don’t want one . When I asked if we could work on us since he is staying, he said that I haven’t heard him that it’s over and there is nothing to work on. He accused me of rushing him into a divorce when I asked him if that is what he wanted. So I’m in limbo. His actions for the most part tells me he doesn’t want to go through a divorce but he is afraid after my past reactions that I plan on making his life a living hell to pay for the mistakes he has made. I have had a recent job cut in hours and pay. I think this also makes him feel guilty to leave his family when things are going to get tight. So what kind of tough love do I do. He thinks that I want to make this end badly if I don’t get things my way. He wants us to part ways and be happy like the tv show Reba. He thinks he should be able to have his own place but spend the night here to watch the kids while I work. I work nights. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I think that is a little too much to ask of me. So do I let him stay here but start playing half the bills since he thinks we should be like roommates not husband and wife and hope that by just living the day to day life that we are working together to make things better? Or do I ask him to leave and seek a divorce even though that’s not what I want because that is what he told me he wanted ?

    • J

      ingoodtimesandbad,
      I was in your position at one point. I did not want to, but in the end, the only thing that lifted that fog was putting my foot down. I said, you have to realize, Divorce is final. I will not entertain that we will be ferry tail friends, or that we may at some time remarry if its ment to be. Either you come back committed, or I move on. When she said, move on is best, I said, well, I have a date Friday then, and I need you to watch the kids. I told her I was going to attempt to process a life without her and move on. I was mentally prepared to follow through with the divorce. Not what I wanted, but I knew she couldnt have both. Even know that we are reconciled, she has admitted she never thought I would end it. She actually thought in some part of her mind, that she could play the relation ship out, and eventually come back to reality and continue. Tough love is what worked for me. It was the last thing I really wanted, I hate any version of divorce. I will work through anything, but I wouldnt share.

      • ingoodtimesandbad

        I don’t think he will believe me unless I have papers in hand. I really didn’t want to have to spend money on a lawyer but I guess it would be money well spent if it wakes him from the fog. I’m not trying to be ugly but I don’t want to live like this. He had written a note to me last year before I ended things for them saying that he just has to follow the path that he had chosen to see where it may lead. He said he may get lost on this road but he is good at getting lost and finding his way back. He wished me happiness and that it used to be his job to make me smile but he can’t right now. Someday, someway maybe. He is cheap and doesn’t want to pay for an apartment. He now has enough money saved up for first and last months rent but he has this idea that he should buy a house instead. Until then, he is satisfied with living with his friend if I kick him out. That way, he can claim there is no room to have the kids spend the night with him there and if I want him to watch the kids, I would have to let him stay here. His friend has no cable tv and the kids would have to sleep on the couch and floor. So he makes this all my problem to figure out. He now elludes that he will stay this year but he could be out next week if thats what I want. He acts like he is being the nice guy here and I’m the one trying to make things ugly. I’ve told him divorce is ugly. I’m sure it’s because he thinks he can save more money by staying here. Do I start with since you are willing to stay here to help with the kids and want to act like roomates, I need you to pay half of all expenses and see where that takes me first. I’m not sure he is going to want to give me more money but my pay has been cut and I’ll have to start using our savings to pay bills if he doesn’t. Do I have papers drawn up and have it be ridiculous expectations so that he won’t sign. If I truely thought he didn’t have feelings for me anymore I would find it easier to just let him go. Even when he did move out I made it his choice. I didn’t kick him out but I wouldn’t allow him to still live and home and have her on the side. I set my limits. He chose to leave. He sees it as me forcing him into a choice he didn’t want to have to make yet.

        • Doug

          Ingood times, If it were me, I’d start with the notion of him staying and paying for half (or more) of the expenses, as you suggested. If that does not work, I’d speak to an attorney and have the papers drawn up which would of course include child support language, etc. Perhaps this will lift the fog, or perhaps it will just piss him off and further strengthen his resolve. It sounds as though he has his mind made up, and is just too cheap to go through with it. You shouldn’t have to live in such a way where you are just waiting on him to decide whether it’s you or her. He needs to s#!t or get off the pot! J also gives you very good advice.

    • J

      Ingood, I am so hesitant to give advice of this nature, as I am no professional. Just know what worked for me. It was very similar situation. Only when I came to the point that though I loved my wife dearly, I would not be used, I got a lawyer and started the process. I knew the only way I could find a way to survive was to come to terms that my marriage could be over, or in fact, was over until she woke up. I dont want to sound heartless, it was not over night for me to come to this conclusion. I said, here are the bills I will pay, until your out of the house, you will cover these bills. Everything I read, was any sort of a crutch, and they will not wake up. I explained what I was willing to accept for custody terms, and even then I dont think she thought I would go through with it. I just proceeded as if I ment it, which I did. I actually found peace for the first time. I knew in my heart, I was able to forgive my wife, and would never say never, marriages do happen again, I didnt want to turn into more anger at her, but again, from all advice I got, and books I read, if I wanted her totally, I had to use absolute tough love. Even when she did a 180, I was very hesitant, questioning motives etc…. That trust continues to take time. I do feel your pain though, was right along with you. I will pray for peace for you.

    • ingoodtimesandbad

      Thank you Doug and J. I know its what I need to do. I was thinking the same quote about “[email protected]* or get off the pot”. I don’t want him to think I’m doing this because I’m angry and rushing into it but it has been 5 months since it is supposedly over with her. I know the process to recover can take awhile so I didn’t want to push to hard to fast but I’m thinking he has had time to realize he can’t have everything he wants. Thanks for the prayers. I’m going to need it. I’ll keep you posted on how things go.

    • Jane

      What a great post. I thought about this a lot as 2010 came to an end. For 2011, I resolve to be more aware. I’ve worked hard this year to be aware, but still had too many moments when I reverted back to my old ways- where I shut down, stopped communicating, or put my head down just to make it through, because being aware every moment of every day can be exhausting. But I owe it to myself, my husband, my family and my friends to be aware.

      2011 is a new year. I will be present. I will be honest. I will communicate openly about my feelings. Those whom I love will know that I love them. And I will be present and thankful for every moment of every day. Happy New
      Year to all of you.

      • Doug

        Great goals Jane. Best of luck in achieving them.

    • Donna

      Some of my goals for 2011 are
      `not talk about affair, or be the one to bring it up.
      `Not mention OW’s name.
      ` Not get into screaming fights with my husband.
      ` Hold my tongue and divert conversation if it is getting testy.
      `Try to leave the past in the past and work on me.

      Okay… now in saying that.. I now have a HUGE knot in my stomach. My husband has been for months saying that he thinks he needs some time away to fix himself and to have some quiet time. Now I could get really angry with this as I think of all the TIME he has had for himself in his whole darn affair. However I have chosen to stay quiet and accept that he really does need this.

      Okay, so in saying this, my husband is flying from one side of the country to the other for 20 days. I know.. not long but long enough as that is prob the longest we have ever gone in our whole 15 years of marriage apart. It may be easy for him as he is the one who has the issues, however for me it is going to the hardest 20 days. even though he sleeps away from the house, he is here every day and the last 2 weeks has stayed the night every night.

      Anyway, this is my dilemma. The OW is inthe same place holidaying where my husband is flying too on Saturday. He knows this, well I think he does I am not 100% sure, however he did know that she was over there. Says that he didn’t know until I told him, I struggle to believe this. I am not sure if he speaks to her or not, if I ask he gets upset and then I think do I really want to know.

      Anyway, I am scared that he will meet up with OW while over there. She will be there for just 4 days when my husband gets there. Yes, she ios there with her children.. I need to let it go but just don’t know how. I don’t want to bring it up as that is my goal this year.. to not mention OW or the affair, to leave it alone and move on and to quieten myself until husband is ready.

      I love this man dearly, he is doing amazing around the houase, has started to become fun again with the kids and me. Spends more time with me, yes he still has distance at time however I will celebrate the successes of us. I just wonder if he will ever learn to love me again!

      Anyway, I am all tied up in knots and I just don’t know how I am going to deal with him being their for her last 4 days in the same place as my husband. It is a big state, however I think if they want to see each other they will. I hate this not knowing… grrr. Please keep me sane and give me ideas to get through this.

      • Doug

        Donna, I can imagine that this situation is indeed tying your stomach in knots. 20 days is a long time for him to be away. Perhaps it will be sufficient time for him to “fix himself.” Is he going there on business? Hopefully, he has no intentions of meeting up with the OW. I think that the only thing you can do is go with the flow, so to speak. First of all, I would try to stay as busy as possible so as to occupy your time – and mind. This too, can be a good time to continue to work on one of your goals–yourself! Try to stay away from bringing up the affair or have any confrontation about the affair prior to, and during the time he is gone. You don’t want to give him any excuse to get with the OW. What I gather from what you’ve written, is that he is coming back to you –or at least out of the fog–so it is very possible that you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

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