We recently picked up a copy of “Affair Repair” by relationship expert and author Kara Oh. In short, the book offers advice on how to recover from an affair by recreating your marriage based on the feelings you had when you first fell in love with your spouse.
One of the techniques she describes was particularly interesting to me. She calls it the RPL Technology, which in essence is a 3 step process towards rebuilding your marriage. The “R” stands for Recommit. “P” stands for Prioritize. “L” stands for Love.
Though we didn’t know it had a formal name at the time, I can tell you that this 3-step process is virtually the same that Doug and I did to rediscover, reinvent and save our marriage.
Step #1: Recommit
To rebuild your marriage and reignite love you must first recommit to each other and to your marriage. You must put each other and your marriage at the top of the list. This is especially important after an affair because some of the pain has to do with the one who was cheated on feeling like they’re no longer important. You must make your marriage and your partner a top priority once again.
“To recommit means to tell each other you’re making your marriage and your partner your number one priority. It needs to be verbal, you need to look each other in the eyes, and make sure your sincerity can be seen, felt and heard.” Says Oh.
Immediately after the affair, Oh suggests you recommit to each other once a day since the pain is intense and you are trying to heal from the devastation.
Step #2: Prioritize
Prioritize means you must make your relationship with each other your number one priority. One of the primary reasons couples fall out of love is they get too busy. They don’t spend enough time together, they don’t think about each other “in that way,” they don’t do all those things they did when they were first falling in love, and they no longer have fun together. Sex even becomes an afterthought in many cases. Sound familiar?
Oh really stresses that for the RPL Technology to work you must both make a pact that you will put your new marriage and each other at the top of the list. Kids, work, and everything else takes a back seat to your marriage. This is a must!
Step #3: Love
The third step in the RPL Technology is to tell, and show, your love for each other at least once a day, but in new, and creative ways.
What’s great about this step is it not only lets your partner know, in tangible ways, that you care about building a new and better marriage together, but it reminds you as well. It’s important that you choose ways to say ‘I love you’ that are out of the ordinary, so they will be noticed. Obviously, creativity here is a key element. It can also be a lot of fun!
The RPL Technology that Oh describes was a key ingredient in rebuilding our own marriage. Re-committing is a reminder that the new marriage we’re building is important to us; prioritizing is so we don’t let less important things get in the way of keeping our new marriage vibrant; and offering some form of love each day will help bring back the feelings of love that we’ve been missing out on for quite a while.
The book is very easy to read and is not overwhelming. The strategies that Kara recommends are easy to interpret, implement and follow through. This is actually refreshing as many marriage self-help books can seem a lot like reading a psychology textbook and can be a tad bit on the technical (boring) side.
If you want to check out more information about “Affair Repair” by Kara Oh, you can click the following link: http://affairrepair.com/book. It offers sound, logical advice on how to recover from an affair by rebuilding your marriage. I enjoyed the book, and I think that you will as well.