happy-couple-200x300One of our readers, “StrengthRequired” asked if we could have a discussion  “focusing on the positives and not the negatives of the EA as a betrayed spouse.”

Since we are always willing to consider reader requests, here we go…

“StrengthRequired” mentioned a few positives off the top of her head:

  • We have become better at communicating
  • We don’t take each other for granted anymore
  • Or maybe, I now know I’m not crazy – now that has to be a positive
  • I found strength I didn’t know I possessed
  • Or maybe, I was able to find myself again

She goes on to say…

I was just thinking about how, we as betrayed spouses, struggle to lift ourselves up out of all the negativity an EA puts on us, and we tend to forget what we have learned through the process of going through this nightmare. We often overlook our strength, our good heart, our improvements in moving forward each day.  Which honestly, we have all been given a bad hand, we never asked for any of this, but I know we have all grown more wiser, and we learn to depend on ourselves for our own happiness and not rely on someone else.

It is true that many marriages show positive characteristics and have become better after the affair. The affair often exposes aspects of the marriage that needed attention. Yes, the marriage is improved, but obviously infidelity is not the preferred way of doing it.

A person can fix his transmission after it is broken, but it would have made more sense to have done the preventative maintenance rather than waiting for it to break. Sure the car runs, but waiting for it to break down was more expensive. Likewise the relationship can be improved, but it is not the wisest way to do it by throwing it into crisis mode and putting it at risk.

See also  Discussion - Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

That said, here are some discussion questions to consider…

What are the positive elements that have surfaced in your relationship as a result of (or since) the affair?

What are the positives that have surfaced within YOU as a result of the affair?

What are the positives that have surfaced within YOUR SPOUSE?

What are some of the things that you have gained an appreciation for since the affair?

Though “StrengthRequired” approached this topic as a betrayed spouse, this discussion certainly doesn’t have to be relegated to just the betrayed.  The unfaithful among us are certainly welcome and encouraged to chime in as well.

Please respond to one another in the comment section below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

    7 replies to "Discussion – Focusing on the Positives"

    • EyesOpened

      Great suggestion for a post SR! This is something I am trying to focus on as much as possible.

      I have learned to speak up and ‘be the real me’

      I have learned that not everyone will like me and that isn’t a bad thing!

      My h has addressed so many childhood issues and other buried emotions and loves himself much more now . He is more loveable too.

      My children are benefitting immensely from all our learnings about ourselves and mistakes made in our past – and I am loving them so much better now

    • Strengthrequired

      Thankyou eo, I am happy to see how many positive changes you have seen.

      I’m actually struggling today, so came on hear and thought I need to look at what is positive in my life right now and to get my head away from some of the not so great stuff.
      So here goes.

      I have seen so many positive changes in my h which is wonderful
      I see my children happy, and as eyes opened mentioned, they benefit from our learnings and strength.
      When my h is home, he enjoys the company of his family, which is so lovely to watch.
      I am proud of my h, yet I am especially proud of myself

    • Tiredofitall

      Positives…
      We try to appreciate and verbalize that appreciation in all the little things that we do for each other. We both realize that we have to work on our marriage and relationship every day and not take it for granted. Sex is really good. I have learned to let some things go (housework) in order to give my husband the attention he needs and to shut up sometimes so he can talk. These are some of the things that come to min right now!

    • Gizfield

      Surprisingly, the most positive thing I notice about myself SINCE (notice I don’t say because of) my husband’s infidelity is that I truly don’t care what others think of me. Maybe that is partially due to age and maturity I dont know. I do know that if someone thinks they are going to judge me or insult me over some superficial crap, like age, or weight, or financial status, or anything like that, the game is up. I’m not playing, if they enjoy it, more power to them, I dont care. Anyone worthwhile isn’t judging others on stuff like that anyway so why should I bother with them. I say what I think, but of course in that polite southern way, lol. It’s actually very liberating to be true to yourself, not what other people think you should be.

      The most positive change in my husband is how much he now values his FAMILY (me and our daughter) which he seriously and truly almost lost forever, due his ego and lust over a stupid skank. The real winner is my child, who almost had her life torn apart due to two very selfish and immature individuals. I thank God I was able to allow that not to happen.

    • Strengthrequired

      Definately, the children are the biggest winners, I’m so relieved my children came before the ow and her children that’s for sure, and so they should too.

    • exercisegrace

      I think I have a more realistic view of our marriage now. It was naive to think just because we had been married for over 20 years, that we were somehow immune to infidelity. I admit I miss how very secure and trusting I was, but in reality that wasn’t healthy. We are both more aware of how the seasons in life can impact us individually and create vulnerability in our marriage. We communicate better and more clearly. I don’t *assume* that he understands my point of view or that I understand his. We talk things out to make sure we are on the same page. My husband is even more thoughtful than he was prior to the affair. He clearly knows what he almost threw away for a worthless whore. He treasures that now, and the kids and I benefit from his new perspective. He is less selfish than he used to be and that makes a huge difference for us all. I have learned to trust myself and my instincts fully. I will never let someone call me crazy, jealous or paranoid ever again. I am a much stronger person, and far more capable of speaking up for MY needs. If you read the blogs by cheating spouses they always go on and on about how their needs weren’t being met and that’s the reason they cheated. Truth is, if things get to that point NEITHER spouse is getting their needs met. NO excuse to cheat. So I can verbalize my own needs now and make sure they are met. It is not just about HIS needs anymore. Lastly, I have learned how very strong I am.

      • Christine

        That is so great, exercisegrace. You are exactly where i hope to be…soon. We are in a better place than we were 8 months ago but i miss the security and trust everyday. Its funny that you mentioned “assuming” things. That really was one of our bigger problems. My husbands communication was assuming he knew what i meant or was thinking and i can tell you was very often very far off base. During these months and the numerous painful discussions, i’m still amazed at how much misunderstanding there is even when i repeat what I think he is trying to say. We’re so careful to make sure we understand the other person, so thats a postive change. He’s still here (thank god for our kids and for the continued chance to try and make things better) so that’s positive! Sex is better than it was 30 years ago when we were dating which is very postivie. I think its impossible for someone who hasn’t been thru an affair to understand how that could be after such a betrayal.. i know i never would have thought. I hope there are more positives to come, i keep watching for them. Hang in there and bless you guys

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