There is a destructive little bitch that is messing with our lives.  Her name is … Menopause.

menopauseBy Doug

There’s something that has been going on in our household that has created some distressing turn of events. We’re going through a rough patch where there is a noticeable lack of intimacy, there’s increased tension at times, sex is very infrequent and Linda is questioning herself in a variety of ways.

Before you get all concerned, it’s not that we’re having marital troubles. No, quite the contrary. However, there is another destructive little bitch that is messing with our lives. And her name is…Menopause.

To be precise, it is actually perimenopause, which, in case you didn’t know, is the period during which a woman’s body makes its natural transition toward permanent infertility (menopause). Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition. I think that most women and many men who experience it simply call it hell.

Over the last several months Linda has been experiencing the following symptoms:

Menstrual irregularity. Her periods over the last two years are about as regular and predictable as the stock market. She never knows when her period is going to start, though she is in a constant state of feeling like it’s about ready to.

We do know this though…Whenever we go away for a weekend, on a camping trip or vacation – she has her period. So, I suppose we could try to trick her body into being more regular by going on a weekend getaway every month.

Hot flashes and sleep problems. Linda goes from normal to sweating like a whore in church several times daily. It continues at night and is certainly affecting her sleep. She used to be a champion sleeper. She could fall asleep in 30 seconds and not move all night. Those days are gone.

These nasty night sweats also have put a serious damper on our spooning activities as now she is so hot that touching anyone is uncomfortable for her and only causes us to stick together in a not-so-pleasant way.

Mood changes. Now you didn’t hear this from me and if you say anything, I’ll deny it, but she is just a wee-bit moody these days. Actually, it’s not been too bad. She’s even managed to keep a good sense of humor about the whole thing.

I think she is making a conscious effort not to demonstrate her moodiness, but at times I can tell that it’s there. The icy stare and the snarling upper lip is my first clue. She also doesn’t take my good-natured ribbing anymore and is much more likely to speak her mind than in the past (that is, she’s giving me shit right back).

See also  Consequences of Being Too Good

Other than that, there has been no depression, anger or crying fits or anything like that. But as a precaution, I have hidden all the sharp objects in the home and I sleep with hockey equipment on, just in case.

Weight gain. It seems that no matter how healthy Linda eats or how much she exercises, she either doesn’t lose any weight or she adds a pound or two. She is nowhere near over weight, but try telling her that. I know it’s frustrating for her and yet it makes her determined even more. So she’s become a diet and exercise freak of late.

I think I’ve seen a half-dozen different menopause related diet books fly through our house in the last week and she is constantly on her IPad searching for health related information. This is either really bothering her or it’s an elaborate scheme for her to go on a shopping spree for a new wardrobe. I do want to help her out more, so I think I’m going to adjust our scale backwards a little bit each day.

Vaginal and bladder problems. Let’s just say that Linda’s days of bouncing on a trampoline are over – unless she’s wearing Depends, that is. She also has to get up in the middle of the night frequently to use the bathroom. For some reason, I thought that was just a man-prostate-thing. Also, during those now too infrequent times when we do have sex, we need a jug of Mazola just to make it somewhat comfortable for her.

Now, all kidding aside, Linda’s struggles with this whole change of life thing concerns me and I want to try to do what I can to help her out. So one day I did a little Googling and let’s just say that some of what I read as far as other couple’s experiences quite frankly scared the shit out of me. There are some real horror stories out there!

34 Symptoms of Menopause

My searching led me to a site (among others) called 34 Menopause Symptoms that says women can also expect to possibly experience the following:

Hot Flashes
Night Sweats
Irregular Periods
Loss of Libido
Vaginal Dryness
Mood Swings
Hair Loss
Sleep Disorders
Difficult Concentrating
Memory Lapses
Weight Gain
Brittle Nails
Changes in Odor
Irregular Heartbeat
Panic Disorder
Breast Pain
Joint Pain
Burning Tongue
Electric Shocks
Digestive Problems
Gum Problems
Muscle Tension
Itchy Skin
Tingling Extremities

Why women have to go through this is beyond my comprehension.  It seems we men have a few aches and pains, lose a little hair and can’t ‘get it up’ like we used to and that’s about it.

See also  Ashley Madison a Marriage Preservation Tool?

menopause laneWhat’s a Guy to Do?

I think from my perspective, all I can do is to be understanding of her situation and help as much as possible. I figured that there are a few things I can do along these lines. If you all have any other suggestions I’m all ears!

Be sensitive to what Linda is going through and be sympathetic to how she’s feeling. Find ways to minimize her discomfort, like plopping a fan in front of her at times, or doing something to lift her spirits if she’s feeling down, for instance. Telling her, “It can’t be that bad” will only add to her frustrations. I also need to encourage her to talk about how she’s feeling so that I can assist in some way to comfort her.

Don’t take things personally. I know that most of the time, she really doesn’t want to scratch my eyeballs out because of anything I’ve said or done. Her low libido has nothing to do with me either. I know she still loves me and any angst directed my way has nothing to do with our relationship or the state of our marriage.

Increase my knowledge of menopause and its effect on a woman. Like anything, the more I know about a subject the better equipped I am to deal with it in a positive, effective manner.

Most importantly, show her that I love her and that I’m here for her. Enough said.

What Men Want Women to Know

I found an article that I really liked and part of it dealt with what many husbands really want their wives to know during this whole menopause thing. So here is an excerpt from that article:

When it comes to menopause, or rather, his wife’s menopause, Dick Roth wrote the book on it-literally. In his 1999 survival guide, ‘No, It’s Not Hot in Here: A Husband’s Guide to Understanding Menopause’ (Ant Hill Press, 1999), Roth shares his own observations from a uniquely male perspective.

“I wish the advice had been there for me in the beginning. I could have used a handbook to learn the basics,” he says. Prevention put this question to Roth: What do husbands really want their wife to know as they make their way through menopause together? Here’s what he had to say:

Be patient with me-I’m still learning how to communicate. “We’re all going to be somewhat poor at communicating at first,” says Roth. “I learned a lot through trial and error. I started out expressing my feelings very vehemently. That didn’t work. Then I didn’t say anything. That didn’t work either. Finally, I learned how to communicate in a way that works for my relationship.”

Let’s talk later, after tempers have cooled. Sometimes we try to talk things over when one or both partners are on the verge of losing their temper. “Wait until emotions die down and rationality returns,” he advises. The best time? Whatever works for you and your partner, says Roth, who prefers to talk things over in the morning when he’s fresh and free of distractions.

Tell me what you really want. “Many of us would be more than willing to help if we knew what our partner wanted,” says Roth. “Do they want help around the house? Do they need a back rub? The problem with guys is that we’re not good at asking. So instead of waiting for the guy to volunteer and getting mad when he doesn’t, the woman needs to be direct and ask for what she wants.”

Let me know what kind of mood you’re in before I say or do something stupid. “Reading someone else’s feelings is an acquired talent,” says Roth. “If you’re not good at it, it really helps to be told. It comes back to communicating with each other.”

Don’t forget that I have feelings too. “We [men] are going through some changes of our own and coming to grips with the fact that we’re getting older,” says Roth. “I want my wife to take the time to understand me and the changes that I’m going through. And to understand that this passage is not just about her. It’s about us.”

Read the full article here:

See also  Overcoming Sexual Addiction – Is it Worth the Fight?

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve tried to inject a little humor into this post when describing Linda’s situation. That does not mean that I don’t take it seriously. It is a serious matter and I discovered from some of the sites I visited just how serious it can be. It not only can wreak havoc on a woman’s body and psyche but can also wreak havoc on relationships.

I read of one account where this man’s wife suddenly packed her things and left him and their three kids and he hasn’t heard a word from her in over 18 months. She wasn’t having an affair or anything – she just left.

What did appear obvious to me is that both sides need to open up the lines of communication, be patient with one another and work through it as a loving team.

Please feel free to share your experiences and/or advice in the comment section below. Thanks!


    34 replies to "The Change is Coming"

    • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider)

      Doug, like so many other things in life, the best news may just be…this too shall pass! I went through peri-menopause starting at age 39 for about 9 or 10 years, and now I’m almost ten years past having periods. I feel much better, although I still deal with some extra heat at times. Some of that comes from having desire kicked up, since I have a new flame! 🙂 but really, your willingness to be patient and loving through this major change will not go unnoticed. While it may be very uncomfortable at times, you and LInda will weather this challenge as well. And if she’s anything like me, she will want physical connection more than ever once things level out. I did use some hormone therapy for a while, but don’t need that anymore, either. Just keep talking, reassuring, and sharing your own needs. Thanks for always being so honest with the real-life struggles that we all deal with. Oh, and by the way, I just saw a really good movie that will help you visualize the benefits of hanging in there for the long haul…It’s called Still Mine. My best to you both!

      • Doug

        Hey STL, thanks for your wisdom as usual. Linda is now using some natural cream of some sort that she rubs on her arms. I believe it has some sort of hormone in it but isn’t the official hormone replacement therapy stuff. We’ll see how it works! Oh, and we will check out that movie soon I”m sure. PS…Glad to hear you’re feeling some of that good heat now and then!

    • tryinghard

      Oh boy, been there, done that!!! Peri menopause is WORSE than menopause.

      Some things you can fix, some things you just have to ride the storm. It’s awful!

      When I went through it I didn’t wear a coat in winter. That’s how bad the hot flashes were.

      OK here’s my suggestions.

      Go easy on the caffeine late in the afternoon. NO caffeine at dinner, EVER!

      Sleep nude! Not only is it fun but you don’t wake up with a sticky nightgown. Put the PJ’s away until you are through PM, like in 5 years you may wear them again because then you will be freezing all the time. Seriously! I know you don’t believe me now but trust me there will come a day when you are always cold.

      Kiegels. I hate them too and I used to think they didn’t work. they do and I do them in the car, everyday on my way to and from work.

      Mood Swings–just lean into them and remember Doug she is losing her estrogen which is making her more like you!

      Digestive–Probiotics. They are a wonder drug. Just do it. Virtually eliminates bloating

      Weight gain- Little or NO carbs. Yes even 5 MM’s a day hurts. Don’t eat them. Only in fruits

      Consider estrogen creme for the whoo haa.

      Hair Loss–everything’s drying out. Hair falls out because your scalp is losing oil. Change shampoos. No sulfates. No everyday hair washing. Once a week deep oil, intensive therapy hydrating masks for face and hair. Drinking water doesn’t hydrate the skin or hair. Wives tale.

      One more thing on Mood Swings- Let her rip. She’s been holding it in alllll these years. Well, ok, if that’s too hard Wellbutrin is the safest drug to take.

      Loss of Libido–All I can say is FREAKING FIND IT!!! This does NOT have to happen. One more suggestion for the estrogen creme 🙂

      Yes menopause is a bitch but when it’s over, life is good! I had to change my whole routine. I went from shorter hair to longer hair so I could pull it up, wear a bun but mostly so I didn’t have to wash it as often. Also if you color I went to a person who uses Aveda products which doesn’t bleach your hair. Bleach and dry hair is a NO NO.

      As far as giving shit back to Doug, ROCK ON SISTER 🙂

      • Doug

        Awesome advice, TH. Always appreciate you adding some humor to your comments! I’m gonna definitely push the sleeping nude idea. Since the notion isn’t coming from me and from another woman, perhaps she will give it a try! 😉

    • tryinghard

      LOL Doug!! You would think it was a fake Trying Hard if I don’t, right!!! I thought you liked the sleeping nude part too.

      The main thing about menopause is it’s not called The Change for nothing. It’s not just the stopping of one’s period because actually that is the freaking awesome part of it. Actually makes all the prelim stuff worth it.

      I also think a lot of the change comes from just being older and more experienced too. It just happens to coincide with menopause.

      I know I have become much more anti-social. We used to go out with lots of people but as I’ve aged and maybe it’s left over from the betrayal, I don’t know, but I can am really developing a social anxiety. I can be nice and say hello and maybe a little small talk but after that I’m ready to go. We had a couple at our home over the long weekend and the operative word here is LONG. Could not wait for them to leave after the first night!!

      So yes change in deed. Some things we can do to help. Others not so much.

      I forgot, Turn that AC down at night.

      Good Luck Linda. You’ll get through it I promise.

      • Doug

        TH, Just curious…Did your ‘change’ happen before or after your husband’s affair and did it affect your recovery process at all?

    • Exercise grace

      My husbands affair began before I even had a clue there was a threat to our marriage. I suddenly began having frequent urinary tract infections. A couple other infections sent me to my ob/gyn who asked me if something was going on. I vehemently denied the possibility. A few months later I had laparoscopic surgery for extreme bleeding and endometriosis. I was told it would be years before it came back, but two months later I was worse than before. I had to have a total hysterectomy. By this time I knew there was a threat, but still firmly believed “he would never!” Even though with our four blessings, I was done having kids, it was hard to have the choice taken forcefully from me. I was thrown abruptly into menopause and that was certainly no walk in the park, as I dealt with my suspicions and his behavior during the affair. Not to mention his whore was ten years younger than me. But bless her heart she brought us a meal during my recovery. Part of her bid bid for my job, I suppose! It has been devastating to realize that I likely went through all this because of my body’s reaction to the strange bacteria and the fact that she has hpv.

      I guess at least when we act crazy and moody our spouses can know it is due to legitimate medical/hormonal issues, not because we are cheating on them and lost in the fog of NSAIDs affair!

      • tryinghard


        Yes when you are thrown into menopause because of a hysterectomy that is totally different especially if they take your ovaries. It must be hell, but did they give your hormones? Those of us who go through it naturally don’t have that sudden abrupt hormonal change.

        How awful that you had to endure surgery because a disease resulting from your husband’s affair. It must have been awful dealing with all the emotional fallout during his affair AND forced menopause.

        • Exercise grace

          Thanks TH, I needed to hear some kind words today. No I did not do any hormone replacement. My mother died of breast cancer they think was caused by hormone replacement and even though it has changed a great deal, they felt it would be a risk. With the doctors ok, I decided to tough it out. It wasn’t as bad as I feared. I think I was so caught up in his crap during the affair and darling with his depression, that I put myself last and just got on with things. Two years later when he confessed it all and I put all the pieces together, I was devastated. It has certainly impacted our healing. Her VD status was confessed over a year after d day, and it was a major step back. I tried to use it for something good, and we had an epic counseling session where I told him it was time to come completely and totally clean or I was done. He knew I meant it, and the trickle truth finally stopped.

          • tryinghard


            I’ve heard the risk of breast cancer can sway a Doc from giving the hormones to you. I have two sister that have had breast cancer but my doc was ok with it as long as it’s low dose. I’m pretty vigilant with mammograms so maybe that’s why. I don’t know. I trust my Doc, he’s a teaching Doc at a major medical university and has a pretty good reputation. Curiously his wife is a marriage counselor so maybe that’s why he decided to give the hormones to me.

            That said I hate how Docs expect women to “tough it out” and we say ok!. For crying out loud if this stage of life affected men the way it affects women hormones would be in our water supply!!! Yeah good old trickle truth. Boy if I can drive ANYTHING home to new people to this fun is do whatever you can do to get ALL the truth out in the beginning.

            I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. I hope it gets better for you my friend. FYI–Nordstrom is having a sale 🙂

            • exercisegrace

              I completely agree that the low dose replacements are fine. I think I was just rattled by the idea of introducing risk. Plus I knew things were horrible, and I just wasn’t sure how it would impact me. I couldn’t handle any more change. My doctor would have prescribed the low dose vaginal cream if I had wanted it. It’s a coin flip as to whether I would decide differently if I had the chance to go back.

              I had an individual counseling session today and that always puts me in a downward funk.

            • tryinghard

              Oh EG I hear you. I go once a month now and on those days when I go I always come away thinking “WTF???”

              Seriously when I’m done I feel worn down. I compare it to physical therapy only for the emotions! But after a couple days I actually feel stronger than before I went.

              So let’s just compare it to taking physical therapy or worse CASTOR OIL because we know it’s good for us. It insures our future well being and mental health. We did not do anything to deserve having to go. Our mates steered us into a brick wall and we need fixing???? Very unfair, right?

              Hey maybe I should call my local water company and suggest the estrogen in the water??? I might be onto something 🙂

              Hang in there.

            • exercisegrace

              Exactly. I’m down to about once a month also. My husband actually said last time…..are you sure you should even go? You seem to come home in worse shape than when you went. Sigh. Idiot. You are very right. It is like exactly like PT. You have to focus on the long term good, not the short term pain.

              I definitely think you are on to something, LOL.

            • exercisegrace

              HA HA HA a little estrogen in the water supply just MIGHT make this world a better place!

            • tryinghard

              AND if all else fails just think, Aw fuck him!!!

    • Exercise grace

      Sorry for all the typos, stupid auto-correct!

    • tryinghard

      The affair was going on during full blown menopause. During Peri-Menopause there was no affair but that stage was pretty long for me as I know I started it in my late 40’s. I truly believe the Peri part is the worst. It’s also a time of great transition family wise as children leave home for college, marriages, death of parents, etc. So once I hit full menopause it was 2007 and really the worst of it was pretty much over. I did get a prescription from my Doc though for some estrogen(very low dose, but very effective) creme as my sister recommended it once I hit menopause.

      I don’t think the whole hormonal thing affected my recovery at all. By that time I had been through what I thought was the hardest personal transitions that everyone faces in life until that wonderful gift of betrayal was given to me and my hormones had pretty much leveled out. It’s the peri menopause when your fucking hormones are all over the place! Thank God I was through my cycles because I don’t think I could have been any more bad ass and PMS certainly could have added to it 🙂

      As a side note, you know men go through a sort of menopause as well. I believe my husband was experiencing this when he decided to have an affair. He told me he thought he was “losing it”. They deal with hormonal fluctuations as well. He never knew that. That must be a very scary place for a man to be.

      I really believe too much emphasis is given to hormonal swings as excuses for moodiness and bad behavior. There are things you can do to help. It’s hard facing our own mortality and loss of youth and certainly for women losing their menstrual cycles just happens to coincide with other life changes that are challenging on the emotional well being of all of us. The emotional challenges of your affair could have a negative impact during this time for her as she looks back and starts to evaluate her life as a whole.

      Maybe some of the suggestions will help Linda cope through this time. This is one area my mother gave me no advice in and when I was going through it I sure missed her wise words and advice. As with any problem I believe you have to chunk it down and deal with each symptom separately. She’s already a step ahead by doing Pilates. That’s a great workout for this time of life.

      Hope I’ve helped my friends 🙂

    • tabs


      Yup, during peri-menopause, there are plenty of life altering transitions. I was anemic from constant menstrual bleeding and gained a lot of weight. Between the weight gain and depression, I still had to deal with my mother’s cancer. She battled ovarian cancer for 5 years and passed away one month after my hysterectomy. My husband thought I was “wonky” – his words. When I discovered he was cheating, I just wanted to hit him with a brick. Wonky, my ass! I would love for him to go through male menopause and see how wonky it feels.

      • tryinghard


        During my Peri and Menopause stage I, sold our home, built a home, sold that home, built another home, opened a business, closed a business, had minor cancer surgery, had minor knee surgery, my son’s ex wife was having an affair, and my husband was having a long term affair! He said he thought I was “depressed”. So the whole time I’m going through these major life changes and stresses he thought it was a good time to narcissistically entitle himself to an affair! DEPRESSED??? YOU THINK???? Instead of reaching out and comforting me he turned away from me and offered no support of comfort, instead he denied me any comfort, physically or emotionally. Funny thing is I handled all those challenges. I dealt with the problems. I never drank or took drugs. I wasn’t living in my pajamas and handled each problem as it arose. It was an awful time in my life. Why did he chose to turn away when I needed his support the most? I felt so alone and I was.

        I love how the betrayers put monikers on our emotional state during these times as wonky or depressed. I think it assuages their own guilt. It justifies their own bad behavior. Well I could have done the same things a million times but didn’t and haven’t. Why is that some of us pull up our boot straps during challenging times and others go to the gutter? As much as I have learned about infidelity and it’s causes this will always be a mystery to me.

        All I know is everything I’ve been through I am stronger, smarter, better and I know I’m ready to handle ANYTHING life throws at me. I hope the same is true for all of you.

        • Tryinghard

          Hey Tabs, I forgot to say all this happened in a 5 year time frame. Four of which he was having an affair!

          Yeah, no stress there:). I’m sure I’ve forgotten some other of the details during that shit show. I just gave the highlights:)

    • forcryin'outloud

      TH – So true about the absurd labels thrown at us. It’s just their way of deflecting their foolery from coming to the light. They’re just trying to keep you in the “walking out of a theatre in the middle of the day phase.” Keep you feeling like you know where you should be going and seeing but your sight is on overload and you don’t trust your senses.


      I hit peri-menopause a few years back followed by the need to have a “2/3 hysterectomy” as I like to call it. They left one ovary which I am very grateful to have. 🙂

      The mood swings are not any worse than the PMS from hell I use to have. And as far as my libido, no problem there but I think I’ve always fallen in the masculine category there. LOL! The hot flashes and sweats are the worst though. I feel like Pepper Potts in Iron-man when she becomes a human form of molten lava. I really feel like I’m going to explode from internal combustion. An open freezer is my new favorite dancing partner. 🙂 I cannot take estrogen due to auto-immune markers so I am on this journey au naturel. So far compared to the betrayal this is a cake walk.

      As far as my H having to deal with it – it cannot be any worse than the bull caca he dished out during his Fantasy Island trip. So my sympathy runs dry.

      • tryinghard


        Oh yes I remember the open freezer days, window open in winter nights, carrying various fans, you name it. There’s some herbal stuff my friend used because she couldn’t take estrogen that she said helped, but I can’t remember the name of it. You could Google it.

        I remember when my mother went thru menopause she developed Agoraphobia. It was awful for everyone. She used to love to go shopping with me and my sisters or go on trips with my Dad and then all of a sudden it all stopped. She practically refused to leave the house unless my father was taking her and trips away from home always ended in coming home early as she was a basket case and made herself physically ill. My father was a Saint during all that and it lasted 15 years!!! I think my husband would have strangled me in my sleep had I done that.

        So yeah a little hormone roller coaster ride is good for men I think and as compared to dealing with their betrayals it’s a freaking cake walk!

    • Strengthrequired

      Going through the change is what worries me. My h couldn’t handle me going through depression after the birth of our baby, so instead of helping me, he chose to comfort it instead because she needed help with her life. As you can see, still p me off.
      So I mentioned to him, what happens when I go through the stages of menopause, are you going to be able to handle it. His reply, yes I’m in this for the long haul.
      Of course I’m not convinced….
      ATM he feels like a child because I ask where he is, what’s he doing, where is he going, blah blah blah, so I’ve told him, if he doesn’t like it he can leave. His response, I’m not going anywhere. ( If your going to act like a child expect to be treated as one.)
      He keeps asking if I’m going to be like this when I move back. Of course I am until I feel secure again, or when I just don’t care anymore.

    • Betty

      Doug-you are leap-years ahead of many, if not most, men in your research on behalf of Linda (and yourself and your marriage). I am a newbie to your site and only briefly mentioned perimenopause in my “intro”, though I feel that it has contributed heavily to my perception of my husband’s salesman duties as inappropriate and unacceptable. In my post, I refer to our situation as “EA-lite”, because I have no proof, only anxiety and suspicion; fueled mightily by wildly-swinging moods thanks to perimenopause. I have been told that the other side is quite awesome :). Meanwhile, I have been on bioidentical hormone therapy for close to a year.

    • Maya

      At 51 I was still having my period every 28 days like clockwork (lucky me) with the only sign of perimenopause being heavier periods. Meanwhile, hubby and I were planning our 25th Wedding Anniversary trip to Hawaii in October for 2 weeks and inevitably my period was going to fall into that 2 week time frame. Since we own our snorkeling gear and love to snorkel every day I was terrified of sharks since they can smell blood. I researched taking the pill at my age and then called my Ob/Gyn to ask if I could go on the bc pill to TOTALLY stop my periods. She said that many of her other patients were currently doing the very same thing and since I have never been a smoker, never had high blood pressure with no breast cancer in my family history she put me on the lowest dose pill which I started taking the in Sept. of 2013. I have not had a period now for the past 10 months and it has been HEAVENLY!! I also have not had 1 side effect (not even the very common weight gain) and the FREEDOM I now have is absolutely priceless!! I no longer have to say “let me check my period calendar” when we want to plan an impromptu overnight, weekend or longer trip. It may not be the solution for everybody but it has been an absolute Godsend to me and my hubby since our travel life no longer revolves around the question of “when will my period be coming”? Lastly, due to Obamacare my monthly scrip is FREE!!!

    • Rachel

      My period disappeared the week before my divorce and I haven’t seen it since. Stree?? Who knows? Not one hot flash yet. 🙂

    • Tryinghard


      Ok there is no such thing as EA lite. Please, please don’t blame your hormones or mood swings. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I saw red flags and chalked them up as being a drama queen. My husband was very good at lying and cover ups and gaslighting. He’s a good salesman too.

      Trust your gut. I wish I had followed my gut and gotten his passwords and access to his phone, heck even hired a PI at the time. It’s NOT your imagination and find out what’s going on in your marriage. Your life and well being depends on it.

      • Betty

        You are not the only one, Tryinghard, who thinks EA-lite doesn’t exist :). I am just so foggy-headed these days, that I can’t separate out the wheat from the chaff, or the lies from the truth, or the chicken from the egg.

    • tryinghard


      I hear you my friend. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You need to get really smart, really fast. I’m on your side and I know it is damn difficult. We also tend to believe what we want to believe early on before full discovery. It’s called denial and it’s a very unsafe place to be. We ALL did it. They talk a good line and most times it even makes sense. So seriously YOU need to take matters in your own hands and if you don’t have access to his cell phone records because it’s a business phone or you just can’t get to it, like me, hire a PI. I have NO idea what they cost and they may be expensive but NOT knowing is not a good choice on your part.

      You hang in there. We are all on you side and many of us have been at exactly the point you’re at right now.

      Above all KEEP YOUR cool till you get all the info you need. Do not show your hand to soon.

      Good Luck to you.

    • Angela

      I was probably about to enter peri-menopause when D-day happened here. In fact D-day happened because my H was out buying a supply of tampons when I happened to look in his texts and got the shock of my life. I had one more period after that, and the subsequent weight loss after this discovery was such that I stopped having periods altogether after that month. That same supply of tampons is still sitting in the bathroom, excepting a few boxes I have given away. Two years after that, I started experiencing the other symptoms of menopause. The full-blown hot flashes, etc. Given that the OW was half my age, suffering through this huge reminder of my age and the specter of a younger woman elsewhere has made a time of my life that I formerly embraced and looked forward to absolutely brutal.

    • Lola

      When I was going through menopause I told my husband who responded, “I can’t believe my Baby is going through menopause.” That was it. No discussion, communication, understanding. I lost my libido and became moody and depressed. He went and had an affair. She was very sexually imaginative.Now we are dealing with everything that an affair causes. Menopause needs to be discussed and treated, both for the woman and the marriage.

    • Gail

      I realize that this article was posted several years ago, but this information can help someone who has just found this site.
      If you (or your wife) is having painful sex from vaginal dryness, atrophy, etc., plz research the Mona Lisa Treatment. We experienced incredible improvement in our lovemaking after only 1 treatment, but be sure you complete all 3 treatments!! The treatments are 6-7 weeks apart.The entire process takes about 4 months. About 2 months after the last treatment, the woman will have the vagina of a 35 year old!! It works EXTREMELY WELL!
      My husband says the one-time fee of $2200 (in our area) was very worth it, and he would do it again in a heartbeat if necessary. The pain from intercourse was destroying our marriage.
      He DID have an affair, but my peri/menopause was only a small factor. In fact, during his 50s he was not interested in sex at all; I initiated any intimacy that happened. Come to find out (AFTER the affair was discovered) that he was extremely low on testosterone!! It is quite curious to me, however, that he had plenty of testosterone to have an affair. That boiled down to pure lust and opportunity. He would not have been able to keep up the hot and heavy sex for long in his present condition. Good ole lust can make your body perform a lot of theatrics if you are out to impress someone when you are 61.
      From someone else’s experience, I began to wonder if he was low on testosterone. He had blood work done, and sure enough he was. Because I have always looked for the most natural but effective remedies as possible, we chose a dr. who would prescribe bio-identical (compounded) testosterone. It has helped the libido and occasional erectile dysfunction tremendously.
      Be open-minded and be willing to do whatever you can to understand each other’s physical problems as well as the emotional.

    • True_Love

      I was 53 years old when I started experiencing night sweats. This coincided with the 6th week of his affair around the time where they were trying and failing to have sex.
      It amazes me that my body reacted to her whoremones, as my period showed up 2 weeks early after I returned from the trip that allowed her to find him alone and pounce on him. And then disappeared for 6 weeks, so I could be ready for sex every night. I was having horrible night sweats that caused me to rip my clothes off. I became extremely horney and we were having sex 3x/night. My body was definitely on full primal mode staking my claim to my H. It worked cause he could not get an erection the 3x they tried and he gave up trying because he was embarrassed, but sadly, they continued an EA for another 10 months until Dday.
      My period which had always been regular before his A, started getting further and further apart. I thought I was done in 2021 but it showed up after 6 months of nothing. I think I’m just about the 1 year mark now!
      So for the last 3 years since Dday, I’ve been asking the doctors is it trauma or menopause, as the night sweats continue but less frequently. I tried macs and black kinase which worked for a wile but I just got a prescription for the bioidentical hormones. I just have to start.

    • True_Love

      Maca and Black Kohosh. Autocorrect 😒

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.