doctorThe other day a reader reached out and asked us if we had any resources on our site pertaining to sexually transmitted diseases (STD) contracted as a result of a partner’s infidelity.  What made this particular person’s situation somewhat unique is that his wife knowingly infected him.

The reader writes…

He infected her the first time they had sex, and even though she knew he gave it to her without revealing having it, she continued to see him (we were separated at the time). After her affair ended we reconciled, I eventually got genital herpes. Only then did she admit not only to the affair, but knowing she had the disease before sleeping with me again. By the time I got it we had been back together for almost a year, so my reaction was less emotional than it would have been at the beginning.

I am 16 months post discovery, and this issue is starting to bother me more and more. I’m sure I’m not the first spouse to have been infected with a STD by their cheating spouse, but would like to know how others have handled it.

We’ve not approached this topic previously on the site and obviously it is an important one.

Now, we know that some of our readers have had the unfortunate experience of getting an STD as a result of their spouse’s affair, so perhaps those persons can help shed some light on how they handled the situation – both physically and emotionally.

For the rest of the readers…

How would you handle things if you discovered you were infected with an STD as a result of infidelity?

Additionally, please share any specific advice you might have for the reader mentioned above.

For those wanting more information, here are some websites that may be helpful:

WebMD

WomensHealth.gov

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Mayo Clinic

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

 

    47 replies to "Discussion – When You Contract an STD as a Result of Infidelity"

    • gizfield

      What a hideous thing for two extremely selfish individuals to do. Willingly infecting me with a disease would be a Deal Breaker for sure. It seems like maybe she thinks the husband would be less likely to leave her, since he now has this. Sad, but possible.

      I honestly believe it would be a good idea for anyone whose spouse has cheated in any way to get tested for std. My husband swears he didn’t have sex with his whore, but guess what, he’s a known liar. I know he went to her house, so who’s to say they didn’t boink. Lol. You may think cause it was solely at work, etc. that you are safe. Trust me, every year or more, someone is caught in a closet, or conference room, etc. engaging in inappropriate contact.

    • gizfield

      I did not get tested for std after my husband’s escapades, but think I will. I know I didn’t have anything previously because they did all kind of std testing on me when I was pregnant ten years ago. I have had no contact with anyone else since then, so if I have anything it is all on him.

    • gracefortoday

      My husband’s affair partner initially lied to him and told him she was “clean”. Towards the end of the affair, she admitted she has HPV. He continued to have sex with the whore, but thought condoms would protect him. They don’t. Skin contact will pass this form of VD. Also the idiot had unprotected oral sex with her previously on several occasions. She told him that “everybody has it” and “its no big deal”. While it’s true that 80% plus of the population does have it, WE didn’t. We were each others’ first and only. Also, it’s a VERY big deal. They have found at least a dozen strains that are responsible for causing cervical cancer. It can also cause throat cancer, as Michael Douglas bravely revealed about his own cancer battle. It can pop up YEARS later. You can get tested for this, and also ask for the HPV dna testing which will tell you if you have one of the more dangerous strains out of over a hundred strains. My ob/gyn plans to test me yearly. Sometimes your body can clear this disease and in other cases it will go dormant. He also told me some other symptoms to look out for over time, because he said if she has HPV she likely has a few other viruses as well.

      My husband ended the affair himself, but they continued to work together for a little over a year before she gave up on reigniting the affair and moved on to another job. She outed the affair in a fit of spite. He did NOT admit to the HPV exposure because he said he was terrified that I would leave him if I knew. He did support and encourage my decision to go and immediately get tested for STD’s. Negative test results across the board. Fast forward another year ( one year past d-day,) and we were still being stalked and harassed by his whore. I was tired of having little bombs of hurtful info dropped on me, so I told him in counseling it was time to tell all. It was a setback to our recovery process to hear that he had lied to me about her STD status, and that he had sex with her AFTER he knew what she had. At one point I told him I wasn’t sure I could forgive him for playing fast and loose with my health. Knowing what I have been exposed to has allowed my doctor to be more careful and deliberate about my medical care.

      My advice to anyone whose spouse has had an affair is GET TESTED. INSIST that your partner get tested as well. Regardless of what they say. If someone is scuzzy enough to have sex with your spouse, they are scuzzy enough to have done that/be doing that with others too. STD’s are a real threat. Most people use condoms for intercourse (mostly to prevent pregnancy) but use NO protection for oral sex. Understanding your disease status is particularly important if you know you are going to have more children or if you even might get pregnant. That is certainly not the time to find out you have an STD that now impacts yet another life! So far I have continued to test negative, but my doctor says he will continue to test me annually. I understand the shame. It’s hard to fill out the paperwork at the doctor and now have to check ‘yes” on the “have you ever been exposed to….” box. I did and then wrote CHEATING SPOUSE right next to it, LOL. But YOU have nothing to be ashamed about! Be proactive about your health.

      • Sarah P.

        Grace,

        Good for you for putting ‘cheating spouse’ on your form.

        And good point about bringing up the Michael Douglas incident.

        Ladies, if you have been cheated on, you MUST be tested. Like Grace says, if someone is scuzzy enough to do that with a married man there are others. And who knows who those ‘others’ are. The scuz is probably also dumpster diving and then transmitting whatever it is to you through your h.

        I am really quite seriously beginning to think that legally a precedent should be set where people are able to successfully sue those who cheat on them and transmit an STD. I remember that case where a dentist’s ex fiance sued him for HPV and won. I read about it and thought ‘good for her’. Because she was monogamous with him, they were together, and yet he was sleeping with a couple of employees who then passed HPV to the innocent party.

      • Ashley

        I agree with you, being test is absolutely necessary.

        I want to add to this that I am not married but I discovered that the man I was seeing was married. He didn’t tell me, my friend found out, told me, and I told his wife right away. I didn’t know he was married and from what she says, he is also infected with herpes 2 and had a sore when I slept with him. I’m waiting on the results of a blood test to find out if I may be infected as well.
        I guess just because of the horrible experience I’ve been going through with this situation, I want other woman to understand that some times we are tricked and don’t know the truth behind the lies we are fed. Don’t hate the women, hate the men who cheat, this man may have ruined my body.

    • gizfield

      Grace for today, that is so scary. Glad you are doing ok. The actions of these cheating spouses is beyond reason. I read about the Micheal Douglas cancer story. I did not know any of that. I dont think any of us need to risk our health by believing the cheating spouse in regard to what they did/did not do sexually during their affair. They could be pulling a Bill Clinton. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I guess we all define sexual relations differently…

      I saw that Monica lewinsky is back in the news yesterday. She is 40 years old now. Wow. Wish she would go away…

    • Jeddy

      My husband swears he only had an ea. he lied to me for 15mos, and I really have a hard time believing that 2 coworker adults in close proximity for 10mos discussing sex and their mutual attraction, never had it. I worked in a big company in my 20s and everyone was having sex and affairs. My gyn appt was 2 weeks ago – so humiliating- and my blood work was yesterday. So nice to hand a requisition form to a stranger with the boxes HIV, syphilis and hepatitis checked off after being together 27 years. My h drive me to the clinic, needless to say I didn’t thank him for the drive.

      I’m sure Hillary has a standing annual appt for std testing, she’s a smart cookie.

    • gracefortoday

      Back when I was just suspecting the affair, I came *thisclose* to coming home from a GYN appt and telling him……well I have some bad news. I have an STD and you’d better start talking. I wish now I had! The truth would have come out a lot sooner.

    • tryinghard

      Can HPV show up later? We both got tested for all STD’s by our Doc’s. I had to ask to be tested for HPV and clymidia (sp ?) Wasn’t part of the standard screenings.

      I would not doubt if the OW had HPV. Plus she was having sex with her husband and ex step son at the same time. These guys are real pieces of work. So in essence I’ve slept with these lowlifes too. The cockroach had terrible female problems, egads did I really need to know that?!?!?, and she has cancer all over. A rare cancer that is un-treatable and terminal, but I can’t help to think HPV could be part of it. She would have NEVER told him if she did have HPV.

      All tests came back negative but do I need, and him too, get retested every year or is your doc being overly cautious? I hope a medical professional is reading this and has answers for us. UGH how tacky is this?????

      Lord had I contracted something I don’t know what I would have done!!!! Probably something to do with candle wax on places where no one wants candle wax to be!!

      Just sayin….

      • Exercisegrace

        Yes, in some cases it can appear years later. But if you get regular Pap smears, it should detect any abnormal cells. And obviously if you have any symptoms they should be checked out ASAP. Although HPV is typically silent. There isn’t even genital warts with all strains! First clue usually IS an abnormal pap.

        Personally, I feel like there is a weight hanging over me. This whore lied to him, because she knew if she admitted what she had he wouldn’t have done it. He was stupid to think a woman that acts like a whore with HIM, wasn’t one before him. I could punch them both for risking my health.

    • gizfield

      No offense, Trying Hard, but your H drug the bottom of the barrel on that affair partner. As did my husband on his “demon possessed ex prostitute”. Oh I’m sorry I mean “call girl”. God knows what undiscovered diseases these cockroaches are spreading.

      • tryinghard

        I know, right?? Giz. Seriously I am at work and I literally laughed out loud.

        No offense taken but comparing her to what lies at the bottom of a barrel gives a bad name to the bottom of a barrel!

        OK so I’ve been stalking and I found her ex husband and his son on FB. Now she was married to the Dad when she started the affair so she was having sex with him and my h at the same time. Then she divorced the Dad and started a new relationship with the son while still having an affair with my H so she was having sex with the son at the same time she was having sex with my husband! Seriously, Jerry Springer has nothing on my H.

        So on FB Daddy got a new motorcycle, LOL very Easy Rider type of motorcycle and I know NOTHING about motorcycles, and is profile picture is of him on this motorcyle with the handle bars all up in the air and him, a 60 plus gray hair, dressed all in leathers. It is hilarious! Well he and Junior went to some kind of motorcycle fun fest in Florida and I wish I could only describe the pictures of the women they were partying with!! They made Hooters girls look conservative. I so wanted to show the pics to my H and say “Hey look at who was having sex with the cockroach at the same time you were”. But I didn’t. Noble of me right??? 🙂

        He would have died of embarrassment if I’d done that and I just laugh to myself because is the complete opposite of those dolts and thinks he’s better than those types and YET he’s doing the same person they are!!!

        Thing is too Giz, everyone in town just scratches their head wondering what the hell his was thinking. I think, they think he had a stroke!

    • Paula

      I contracted chlamydia and HPV. The chlamydia was easily treated, both of us had a simple course of oral antibiotics. The HPV showed up later, not at the initial testing. I know the deep shame and horror. I was a middle class 42 year old mother of three who had only had sex with one person ever in my life. The HPV caused some pre-cancerous cells, that were picked up on my regular PAP smear two years ago. (There is absolutely NO cancer, of any form in my family, for generations.) I have been told this will have been due to the HPV. I have since had two laproscopies, and been on six monthly smears. Last July I had an LEEC done, this was to scrape yet more cancerous cells off my cervix, and was deeply painful. I have had one smear since, and seem to be going well now.

      I can’t explain the horror of this to anyone. The utter despair I feel at being “unclean.” Especially with my family background and deep seated fear of STIs.

      Just get tested. That is the first thing you should do.

      Mine was extremely angry that I even suggested testing. Part of the whole fantasy of the affair was shattered by my health news. He had already woken up to who/what she was, but I believe my sad diagnosis was a real kick in the arse for him. She really was a piece of work. I will be forever saddened that my “purity” was sacrificed so easily – ain’t love grand?

      • theresa

        People have gone to jail for knowingly transmitted an STD. I’m not sure if this is still the case, however, there was a time that HIV was taken off the STD list. Imagine that! One of the highest populations for women being infected was undisclosed “risky behavior” of a sex partner.
        I worked in the blood transfusion service, in more than one capacity, for some time. No test for screening of transmissible diseases is 100% accurate. There is another screening tool that adds another level of safety. The questionnaire to be eligible to donate has a VERY long list of “risky behaviors”. Great lengths are taken to insure the anonymity of potential blood donors, yet people still lie.
        A few of the reasons for this are pressure from within the life circle, trying to keep certain information from “framily”, using the process to be tested confidentially, (please do not do this) and historically, certain employers would give time off from work. Certain undesirable results are legally reportable, and follow up is required.
        So anyway this reprehensible behavior is just wrong on so many levels.
        Who are these people? Dishonorable, lack of integrity. How many chances should someone like this get? Betrayal at the deepest level.

    • Lily

      Ladies (and guys too of course!) Please know that the herpes viruses (HSV 1 and 2) are NOT part of the standard STI (sexually transmitted infection) testing panels. You must specifically ask to be tested for them. HSV 1 is most often expressed as cold sores, but it can show up in the genital area and has been more and more due to the increase in frequency of oral sex. As for HSV2, 90% of people who have it don’t know it- they have either not had outbreaks, or attributed them to a yeast infection, ingrown hair (most common) or in guys they think it’s jock itch or something like that. There wasn’t a blood test for many years, so to be diagnosed you would have had to have an outbreak and see the doctor during that outbreak for them to culture it. So a lot of folks have never been diagnosed and many have no idea. Still others don’t want to face potential rejection and may just not tell you.
      The CDC fact sheet estimates approximately 1 in 6 people have it and many won’t have been tested. More women have it than men.
      The good news is that if you take daily valtrex to avoid asymptomatic viral shedding and of course avoid sex during outbreaks, your risk of transmitting it is very low. Add condoms and it’s extremely low (like less than 1% I believe) But it’s better to know upfront! I’d rather have a person tell me they have it honestly, than take my chances with someone who says they’re negative (I don’t like the word “clean” since I did nothing wrong to get this virus except trust my husband) but can’t show me a negative lab test. It’s extremely common, not lethal and manageable- but I’d prefer not to have it due to the stigma.

    • tryinghard

      Lily

      Thank you for the great information. During my H affair he complained a lot about having a terrible case of “jock itch”. He was constantly using creams and powders to alleviate it and nothing worked. Amazingly as soon as the affair stopped the “jock itch” cleared up and hasn’t returned in years. Occasionally he will complain about the itch and will use some creme or powder and it will go away pretty quickly. Unlike when he was having sex with her. I’ve never had any of the symptoms you described how the HSV2 manifests itself in women. So are you suggesting that my H could have contracted the HSV2 during his PA with the OW? Would it have cleared up once he was no longer being exposed to the virus never to show up again?

      I’ve been tested for everything, but I know I had to ask to be tested for clymidia. The standard tests are for HIV, syphilis, and gonorrhea, I was told by my Doc. I didn’t know to ask for this specific HSV2 test but you can bet I will be asking to be tested for it.

    • Sarah P.

      Hey Everyone,

      I am going to chime in here because unfortunately I know a lot about this subject– especially human papilloma virus. So, HPV is transmitted through the skin to skin contact that occurs during sex. Condoms DO NOT prevent it. There are also hundreds of strains of HPV. And while it is true (to a point) that most sexually active people are infected with it, it is also true that many sexually active people do not have it.

      Here is why:
      Lets say you get HPV but then you are in a monogamous relationship for 8 years and neither of you has contact with another person. If you have a strong immune system, it is very likely that your body will rid itself of the virus for two reasons.

      1. Our skin/body replaces itself entirely (at a cellular level) about every 7 years and many times HPV gets shed.

      2. Or it can get ‘shed’ before then if you have a super-strong immune system.

      BUT, that is no cause to cheer and here is why:

      -HPV can do several things one it is in your body: it can lie dormant so that you do not know if you have it; or it can cause genital warts, or worse, it can cause deadly cervical cancer without a wart ever appearing.

      Further, you can carry many different strains of HPV at a time if you or your partner is not monogamous.

      This is why those oh so joyful pap smears are important. They catch cervical cancer before it becomes deadly. (I am being sarcastic about those oh so joyful pap smears. They are about as fun as getting your large toe nail ripped out with a pair of pliers).

      But, it is best to get a pap smear if it is going to save your life.

      Now, I am going to give you guys my own ‘too much information’ moment which will also put into perspective why I am still pissed at my ex-fiance who cheated on me. This will also explain why I know so darn much about HPV. If you have a queasy stomach, don’t read on.

      So, I had never had any kind of STD– ever– and I also did not know that my ex-fiance was cheating on me. (Also, I have never cheated on anyone. I just can’t do it for whatever reason).

      So, like I said, soon before the wedding he broke up with me and refused to give a reason. We owned a house together, we worked together at the same high-tech firm, we invested in stocks together, and I thought I was marrying my soulmate. After all, we had both lived in France, we both shared the same hobbies of photography, writing, hiking, gourmet cooking, and travel. He was my male doppleganger and we also had explosive chemistry in bed. Little did I know that he had that same chemistry with others.

      So, I had to find out through the grapevine why he broke up– his mistress gave an ultimatum– and he never admitted it to my face and never has.

      I had moved out of the house by that time, I was grieving terribly, and my doctor was calling me telling me it was time for my well-woman exam. So, I went in and got my exam and my pap smear and everything was unremarkable.

      Then… two days later the doctor’s office calls with bad news. The nurse told me that I had stage 1 cervical cancer. The had to take a cone biopsy and sent it to labs and confirmed it. (ouch). My doctor said I had been given the strain of HPV that rapidly develops into cervical cancer. Since I had had yearly exams for a quite a while, the doctor was able to pinpoint with about 99% surety that it was the other woman that passed this along to me through my cheating fiance.

      I was pissed and I was still heartbroken since the break up was fresh. Talk about adding insult to injury.

      So, so after that, I had to have a leep procedure (loop electrosurgical excision procedure) where they burn off a layer of tissue from your cervix. They had to take a lot off of mine because of the biopsy results. So, that was that. Afterwards the doctor also warned me that when and if I got pregnant, I might miscarry because a lot of tissue was taken. Of course, the medical communities answer to that is to sew a woman’s cervix shut when she gets pregnant. FUN FUN.

      Again all of this happened when the break up was fresh. It all went down about 2 months afterwards.

      So, this is why I am still very traumatized by that break up and why my radar is always on when women flirt.

      Fast forward years later, I have never had a return of that or even abnormal results. I am healthy.

      Also, my husband knew up front while we were dating what had happened with my ex. I refused to hide that info because that would have been unethical.

      So HPV is a tricky thing. I have never had ‘warts’ and would not have known it was there if I didn’t have my exam.

      This is why sexual infidelity is very serious, on all levels. Someone who cheats can take the life of an innocent if the innocent gets a lethal disease.

    • Strengthrequired

      Sarah, I’m so very sorry for what you have been through. This is why it makes me so sick, how these men who are supposed to love us, can be so careless with our lives, for the sake of a bottom feeder.
      They think these skanks are so clean…. Until they get proved otherwise.
      I’m mad for you…..

      • Sarah P.

        Hello Strength,

        Thanks for being mad FOR me. I appreciate it. Anyhow, this is why I cannot forget about infidelity and become anxious and irritated over the skanks at my husband’s workplace. I have been through it– I have suffered health consequences that were not even mine to suffer– and I am well aware of what it feels like.

      • Julio S.

        Hellow all,

        I would like to remind Strengthrequired that is NOT a case of gender, but of moral. I just found out that my wife has been cheating me with multiple men for more than 15 months, after a 34 year single partner relationship. She is still denying everything. I love her so much that she has been manipulating me and playing me like a fine tuned musical instrument. He got tested for a pap smear in June 2014 and again in October 2014, the diagnosis code they used in the second test in October 2014 to justify the test to the insurance company was V1589 (Other Specified Personal Histoy Presenting Hazards to Health). Versus the regular code V7231 (Regular Gynecology exam). There is your smoking gun for guys.
        Is anybody aware of a HPV test for guys? And thanks, now I know that if she engaged in oral sex with him that I may get throat cancer too! OMG
        This is destroying me, I just woke up about a week ago, can’t sleep, can’t eat, lost 20 pounds in week. I never ever thought that anybody could inflict this amount of pain in me, not even with torture, I’d prefferred to have an arm or a leg slowly cut or even my neck rather than having to live through this reality. The pain never goes away, never.
        I emphatize with you all, and I would have only read without adding anything, until I saw that one of you believed that this was a cheating men only problem. I never had sex with anybody else for 36 years, and I had my desperate for sex times!
        I can’t continue…

    • Lily

      Trying Hard,
      I’m glad you found my info useful. It’s basically become like a personal mission to me to make people aware that testing for herpes is not standard practice. The reason being is that the CDC regards it as a nuisance, but it’s not going to kill you or render you infertile.

      As for your husband, he could very well have caught it during his affair. Generally the initial outbreaks are much worse and more frequent -then they decrease in frequency over time, so that’s why it might be that he only complains of something every now and then. As for you, you could be negative or one of the many people who are asymptomatic- they never show any symptoms at all which can be confusing since they’re still shedding the virus. Outbreaks can occur on the genitals, but are also pretty common in the surrounding area like the buttocks. They last a few days or so and then go away- so even if your husband is putting something on it, it’s likely they just come and go regardless.

      Please get tested for your own peace of mind. I hope your results are negative, but it is not the end of the world if you’re not. And you aren’t alone by any means!!

    • tryinghard

      Lily

      Thanks for the info. I did get tested and everything came back negative. I read that if you’ve had herpes 1 (lip cold sores) that you could build up and immunity to herpes 2. My husband never has lip cold sores but I was always suspicious about the “jock itch” and how it disappeared after the affair was over.

      When I asked my doc to test me he told me that I probably didn’t have anything to worry about because generally men stay in their same socio-economic class when having affairs. UH HUH, well I had to set him straight on the piece of white trash my husband very foolishly chose to be with unprotected and demanded all the tests.

      • Sarah P.

        Hi Trying,

        That’s funny that your doc was attempting to console you with the idea that men usually have affairs in their own socioeconomic group. AS IF THAT IS SUPPOSED TO HELP!!

        Plus, we know some men will dumpster dive if they get the chance.

        The other thing is, STDs do not discriminate based on socioeconomic group and all socioeconomic groups carry the same things.

        Can you just picture it, there are all these little viruses’ crawling around people’s private parts– then before they ‘jump’ onto another person’s private part, the virus stops and says, “Pardon me, but do you happen to have any grey poupon?” And if the other private part says “no, I don’t” then the virus says: “Well, then, since you are not of my carrier’s socioeconomic group, I shall pass on transmitting myself to you. Have a good day.”

        And on and on it goes because we all know STDs just love discriminating against those people outside of their socioeconomic group!! (Just like men who have affairs do!)

        *wink*

      • Strengthrequired

        Funny th, so this dr met some of the cheating mens whorebags hey, for him to know.
        Yet of course, no man is going to say to another man of the same social standing, that hey, I’m in an affair with a psychopath who lives in a dump, now are they. They will be more likely to upgrade their version of what the whorebags is really like.

    • BeckyB

      My serial cheater husband lied 19 years ago when he gave me chlamidia while I was on bedrest with preterm labor with our 6th baby. Fast forward to 17 years later 2 1/2 years ago he admitted to multiple prostitutes paid to give him blow jobs and his last whore or the one before gave US herpes the gift that keeps on giving UUGGHH nasty filthy brainless whores YUCK. My husband is a LIAR if yours had sex outside your marriage (unless you have an open marriage) they are a LIAR too. My curse is to every whore my husband had ANY sex with is I DO HAVE THE HPV THAT CAUSES THROAT AND CERVICAL CANCER now every single hooker has been infected with MY DISEASE! And just who is laughing now yep it’s me . I am sorry that innocent people have to deal with HPV and YES IT CAN SHOW UP YEARS LATER. I can say to everyone of you faithful and cheater alike PLEASE HAVE YEARLY TESTING. I am to the point my trust and belief in my husband being an honest faithful man is gone. He chose to be less while demanding as a selfish child immaturely denying damaging and recklessly destroying and trashing everything good so the bad was all he had left . I can see clearly he held trash but he is totally oblivious to the rotten stench he painted our life to be all so he could go dumpster diving for whores hmm . I am forever changed. I no longer automatically look for the good in people. I watch and listen to see if they want to use me or hurt me steal or lie. I am no longer innocent that was stolen by useless parasitic TWITS( : meaning to me Totally Without Intelligent Thought hmm sounds like some bimbos my husband had to lie to so they would join his abuse of our marriage) I see with eyes wide open the world is full of asses and whores at least on the level of sewer rats . I personally have never been turned on by anyone willing to abuse or join in abusing anyone or anything and even this has changed me as I no longer see whores as anything close to a REAL. person/ woman I see they are pitiful poor cardboard fake wannabes. I don’t have the compassion to do as I read early this week I know i am a very loving caring woman if my husbands whores were in a burning car I wouldn’t even spit to put out the fire I would however call 911 and keep on driving . This is not who I was this is however me now . I miss me . I will protect ME with all I am. All this because I love a man who can’t love anyone. My apologies if this has upset anyone.

      • Strengthrequired

        Bucky, I too don’t see the whore my h ran around with as a person with a soul or heart. She didn’t possess either. I have no feelings for this woman whatsoever, and couldn’t care less if she dropped of the face of the earth. I’m a good caring person, but I nolonger see the good in people either, I see the worst first, that upsets me, because I miss how I was, but hey, this is me now, my heart is heavy, hurt and tight. This is me now.
        Hugs to you for all you have been through.

      • gracefortoday

        Becky, I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. When I found out his whore had HPV, I was beyond enraged. While she initially lied about it, he had sex with her after he knew. He said he was in despair over what he had exposed us to, but was afraid to end the affair right then as she was making some threats. He thought condoms and “washing carefully after” (WTF??) would be protection. He had NO idea how easily this disease is transmitted and how devastating it can be. She told him it was “no big deal” and I think he wanted to believe that. When I heard all this, I was livid. I screamed at him and told him he KNEW that WE were clean. We were each others’ first and only. I don’t give a crap about the statistics that say 80% plus of the population has it, WE DIDN’T!!! I told him he was an idiot and a fool. That no DECENT woman would pursue and have sex with a married man. There was his FIRST clue that she was a WHORE. If he wanted to dumpster dive some whore and risk HIS life, be my guest. But leave ME out of it. To his credit, he is absolutely broken by what he did. But in many ways, it’s too little too late. I love him and I know we can make our marriage work. I know with time and effort it can be good again and in many ways it is good now. BUT. It will never be what it was. I told him I have to spend the rest of my life wondering what I might have. If I might get cancer. All because he made a selfish choice.

        • Isabel O

          I am in the same position, and an abnormal pap and HPV test (16, the really bad kind) result is how I found out about my husband’s infidelity after 37 years of a close marriage. Who would have thought, especially as life was smiling on us. The real problem is unprotected oral sex. Lovely thought, right? We need to get people informed on the dangers of HPV, especially for older women like me who don’t shed the virus as easily. We seem to be reconciling slowly, but the specter of cancer hanging over our heads, especially mine, is a daily reminder of his utter stupidity and unethical, deceitful behavior. Such a dark cloud over a once-shining marriage.

    • Lily

      Vent away! No offense taken here. I feel the same way. I cannot conceive of how a woman who knew me and my kids for years, who watched us visit my husband at work (he works 24 hr shifts) could carry on an affair w him for 2 years behind my back and still engage me in conversation. Of course my ex-husband is the real villain – I know he could have stopped it- but I’m just not a person who could hurt someone else’s family like that. I would get great joy watching her bleed out, that’s the honest truth. But I’m sure karma will take care of her eventually.

      And Sarah, thanks for noting that STIs are found in all socioeconomic groups. I had a friend in college who lost her virginity to a guy she believed was The One. He gave her herpes. This was way before AIDS when you figured you were ok if you took birth control pills as pregnancy was pretty much the only worry. Live and learn.

      • Mary

        My husband is still having an affair with my brother’s (now ex) girlfriend. This whore consoled me & came over for dinners & hugged my kids for almost 2 months while I cried because I didn’t understand why he wanted a divorce. I was pregnant with our son at the time & he contracted gonorrhea & gave it to me. I’m actually almost thankful for it because it was treatable & because I may have never known what was going on had he not given it to me. They both don’t think what they are doing is wrong because they are happy, but it’s so messed up for our kids. I wish he’d go find someone else if he doesn’t want to work on our marriage, but they insist that they are so happy together & I believe they think they are going to be together for the long haul. So dumb. I’m sure he’ll regret this some day. She has nothing on me besides the fact that she’s younger.

    • Trying Hard

      Lilly

      You are so right. The real onus and responsibility belongs square on the Cheating Spouses shoulders. Yes they could have and should have and as a matter of fact it was all their responsibility to not only stop the affair but to never have let it get started. The AP could be the most manipulative Mata Hari ever to walk the face of the earth does not change that the CS can always say NO.

      That being said, I still hate the OW and am thrilled that she is experiencing the worst Karma a person could ever endure. I could see her lying on the road and I wouldn’t swerve to miss her. I hope she dies a lonely, painful death!!!

    • gracefortoday

      Lilly and TH. You are both very right. I know his whore was manipulative and very, very persistent (those evaluations straight from the whore herself). But I also know he should never have gone there. He should have walked away, put up boundaries, talked to our pastor, confided in a trusted friend, sought counseling or any number of other options available to him. This didn’t happen overnight. And even though he was extremely depressed, he knew it was wrong. He lied and deceived me, so he knew. I know I have to stop looking back and agonizing over WHY he didn’t listen to the wake up call before it became physical. Why he never bothered to ask himself WHY he was moving in this direction after two decades of a marriage he himself says was happy and fulfilling.

      On some levels I understand the vulnerability, the depression, the childhood issues, etc. I “get it” that is was complicated. I recognize that it was a slow slide down the slope. It just doesn’t make it any easier.

    • SoManyTears

      My husband’s mistress died two weeks ago from anal cancer caused by HPV. Last week, I tested positive. She and he both swore that they didn’t have sex. He still swears it. My symptoms appeared just 8 months after Dday. Their affair lasted 15 months. We have been married 11 years…together for 12. My obgyn says I got this from him. He says the doctor is a liar. What are the odds that they indeed had sex? Are they greater than the HPV being dormant in my body? I now have an incureable std and a husband that is sticking to his story. I just want the truth!

      • Julio S.

        100% that you are being manipulated by the love you have for your husband, like I was by the love I have for my wife. We become fools with a huge blind spot where no light shines strong enough to allow us to see. It took me proof positive and the incredible help of my daughter and OBGYN expert to see through my blindness. What is obvious for everybody else, will remain doubtful for you.This is because your brain doesn’t want to accept the evidence in front of your eyers. Sorry

    • Beckyb2

      chances are almost nil that they didn’t have sex. HPV is sexually transmitted it can also be gotten by inmates in prison because it can be transmitted by touching sexual body parts to body parts not sexual like a mouth yes it can cause throat cancer blowjobs are related to HPV being spread by prostitutes from one john to another john. You could always ask if his ex whore was a prostitute. My husband decided bjs weren’t cheating sex cause no swapping of body fluids I asked since when is what you would never do to my face but behind me hidden from me ever get to be not cheating? Body fluids passed an STD to me while I was pregnant with no “sex ie intercourse just bjs” strange how blow job by a prostitute wasn’t sex. Honestly men lie the severe consequences they face are enough to make them act like little boys caught playing doctor not like a man who seriously screwed up by choosing to be a cheater. Time for a truth talk maybe? I know we will be having the last truth talk here soon and if it doesn’t happen then I’m changing my future alone.My prayers are with you I am a cervical cancer survivor of almost 22 years .

    • SoManyTears

      His affair partner denied any sex until her death. He is still denying. I will forever be in limbo for truthful answers. To him, yes it looks bad, but it’s just a coincidence. I feel like I’m dying! I don’t understand the lies! I know he’s got to be embarrassed/ashamed…she weighed over 300lbs and had a colostomy bag, but I’ve swore to him I would tell no one…just for me to know. Why does he lie? This is something that can kill me!

      • Julio S.

        Sorry… Tried my best on you, but without the help of my daughter I’d would still think that my wife was not cheating on me and that she loved me… You can choose to live happily ever after with your lier husband and wait for him to repeat the feat, Unconfessed and unrepented liers will do it again! Or just get a divorce and spend your time by somebody that truly wants to be with you, believe me us loyal and truthful guys are still out there.

    • lisa

      Help me understand. Your HUSBAND gave you all diseases and you STAYED, continued to sleep with him and the other women is the cockroach, the whore etc

      Newsflash, your HUSBAND is the cockroach, and yet you stayed.

      The minute I found out my husband was bedding another, I filed papers. Come to find out, he was sleeping with 14 different women.

      And husbands, you do know that the other woman is sleeping with other men too, right? Yeah she is

      Selfish people, but for the wives whining about the man, you STAYED.

      He WILL do it again

      • Angry Woman

        Lisa, I totally agree with you. I recently found out my cockroach of a husband gave me gonorrhea!! We were married for 16 years, had problems for the last 7 or so years because I had enough of his secretive and lying behavior. I took matters in my own hands and did my own investigative work on him. To my horror and disgust, I found proof by way of receipts and videos (that he stupidly saved on his computer) that he was seeing prostitutes and had an affair. I found out about his disgusting double life soon after my father passed away. The disgust, hurt and anger that I felt overwhelmed me to such a degree that I lashed out him and told him that we are heading straight for divorce. He has since moved out of the house. On the advice of my lawyer, I changed the locks and serving him with separation papers to be followed by divorce (it could not come soon enough). Luckily I was treated and was cleared. I am still haunted by his disgusting double life and cannot come to terms that he did not think about the health consequence he was bringing to me. I ended up a broken and angry person, viewing people with disgust and disdain but decided to see a therapist to help me be the kind, caring and cheerful person I once was.

    • Carole

      I’m 57. Married 27 years. Only been with partner sexually and emotionally for 30 years. He’s been cheating for at least 12 years of marriage with multiple women and prostitutes. I’ve been tested for everything now and will hear in 2 weeks. Watch this space because if he has infected me with anything I will take the cheating bastard to court. These scum bags who make our sexual decisions for us and put our health and reputation at risk need to pay. A prison sentence isn’t enough. I also wonder about ‘friends’ that know of it and don’t tell the cheated spouse. Who do they think they are protecting? It wasn’t me!

      • Kelly

        I was just curious to how you are doing lately? I’m praying you got great news on your test results!

    • cantstopcrying

      Sorry, this will be a bit TMI…

      I’m a 26 years old woman married to a 37 years old man. We have been for almost 3 years. We don’t have kids and we were planning to start out own family next year.

      When we started dating, my husband told me that he used to be into the swinging lifestyle (more specifically the interracial cuckolding scene, as he liked to play with these married white women whose husbands a.k.a. the cuckolds would watch). I’m a white woman and I have never been into this thing, I have always been monogamous. I was shocked but I accepted my husband’s past. My husband swore that he was done with this lifestyle for good, and that he was ready to settle down for good and be serious. We started dating, got engaged and then we got married. We had a happy, balanced relationship with a great sex life as well.

      Anyway, about 3 weeks ago my husband started to show symptoms of an STD and because he noticed that something was wrong, he went to a sexual health clinic. He was diagnosed with and got treated for gonorrhea. He tested positive.

      After he arrived back home, he admitted to me that a week prior to that he cheated on me with a swinger woman (an ugly, older single mother). He lied to her that we had an open marriage and I had my blessings on everything he was about to do. The woman claimed that her tubes were tied and my husband had unprotected sex with her. And bamm, he got the gonorrhea! How irresponsible! For a week he didn’t have symptoms and in the meantime he had unprotected sex with me once, not knowing that he had gonorrhea. On the very same day he told me all this, I went to the sexual health clinic too and got treated for gonorrhea preventively. Well, today my results came back and turns out that I indeed had the gonorrhea! It took only 1 intercourse to get it from my husband! Everything else is negative, thank god.

      I’m scared out of my mind because I know that gonorrhea can cause pelvic inflammatory disease even in a matter of 2 days and there was 6 days between day I got it from my husband and the day I was treated for it. I scheduled an appointment with an OBGYN to have a full pelvic exam. Unfortunately our insurance plan sucks this year so this will cost me potentially hundreds of dollars! I’m disgusted with myself, I’m angry and I feel dirty. I have never been a promiscuous person nor have I caught any STD before. Besides this, the emotional damage caused by the infidelity itself is horrible. All I want to do is cry all day. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I feel so ashamed. My libido is gone.

      I did some research about the swinging thing and found out that STD risk is higher for swingers than prostitutes! Many of them don’t use condoms because according to many, “bareback” is the way to go, especially in the interracial cuckolding community. It’s horrible and totally irresponsible. Of course the woman my husband got the gonorrhea from denied everything and I bet she won’t go get treated and will continue to spread this nasty and dangerous disease! She is done with having kids so why would she care, right? Well, I do want to have kids and I won’t let my fertility and health taken away!

    • Shifting Impressions

      Cantstopcrying
      I am so sorry you are going through this. You have nothing to feel ashamed about….you did nothing wrong. I hope you will find someone to talk to….this is a lot to deal with. I’m happy to hear you are getting medical treatment.

      You know I think your husband probably needs some serious professional help in leaving his swinging lifestyle behind. I imagine there is some fairly strong addictions going on.

      • cantstopcrying

        Thank you for your helpful and kind words, Shifting Impressions. I really appreciate your support.

    • Julio

      Your husband is an idiot! I am sorry that this happened to you. Since my wife of 35 years cheated and lied to me for two years with a plethora of guys. While all the time having multiple orgasms and tantric sex with me, I am a damaged person and love any woman that is honest and loyal! This happened to me in 2014/2016. Divorced in Jan 17 and not yet psychologically recovered …
      We exist, loyal family men… who’d love one loyal partner for life. We are never promiscuous, we have sex only for love. If you find nd a male with a promiscuous background, that IS NOT one of us! I know you didn’t ask for advice, but what the heck, I’d live advice about how to know whether a female is a loyal one

    • Joan

      I caught my husband having an emotional affair 2 years ago after being together for 30 years. It broke my heart but I believed him when he told me that no sex was involved. The reason I believed him was because he’d led me to believe that he had low testosterone for the past 27 years. In all that time we had no sex life at all.
      3 months ago he confessed to having a 17 year fully sexual affair with a neighbour who he had once described as a :camp follower” at his office (she’d had multiple affairs with married men there).He had also called her a slit but that failed to stop him’going there’. I’m so shocked that he has made me live the life of a nun for all these years to decieve me with another woman who was so ugly you just wouldn’t believe! My problem is this, I’be since found out the she’d had 2 other men (at least) all the time my husband had been visiting her so next week I have an appointment for STD tests. I’ve been totally faithful to this man despite the lack of love and sex for all these years.
      My mistake was engaging in what I thought was ‘miracle ‘ sex after the emotional affair (lol)!!!.
      I’m nearly 70 and he is now 75 . I’m hearts icky and in a twist of fate ,he now truly is impotent. Life is cruel and so was he!

    • Joan

      Thanks to my wonky phone ,writing “hearts icky” instead of HEARTSICK, I’ve just made myself REALLY laugh out loud!

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