In case you’re not aware, every so often we like to focus our weekly discussion on your affair recovery and healing successes. Well, it’s been six months since everyone has discussed their success stories so we are more than due.
It’s always good to hear how others have made progress and helps give hope to people as they battle through their own affair recovery.
Often we are exposed to so much pain and devastation after an affair that life becomes one hopeless, depressing day after another. We need some fuel – some motivation to keep us going.
Realizing the successes in your affair recovery – no matter how small – can give you hope for a better future and compel you to fight on.
What might seem like small, insignificant baby steps can possibly grow and snowball into even bigger, longer lasting successes. It also helps those readers who are newly into their own journey realize that affair recovery is a process and is accomplished one step at a time.
So, with that said…
Tell us some of your successes while recovering from the affair and how you were able to accomplish them.
For example…
Have you been taking care of yourself and getting stronger? How are you doing it?
Do you see positive changes in your spouse and his/her actions? Describe them.
Are you communicating better? How?
Do you seem to be reconnecting with your spouse?
Have the triggers and obsessive thoughts diminished? Why?
You get the idea… NO SUCCESS IS TOO SMALL!
As always, please respond to each other in the comments.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
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22 replies to "Discussion – What are Your Success Stories?"
Today is the 1 year anniversary of our 1st D-Day, and I’m doing surprisingly well. I look back at the past year and see all the progress we’ve made & I realize that it all came in baby steps and appreciating one another’s efforts no matter how small. It was awkward at first since we drifted so far apart, but we had date nights again, made sure to eat dinner together every night, etc. I took every little thing my H did, such as a touch on the back, a look, and saw it as progress. I see where we are now and the good things have snowballed tremendously and we are getting closer to the marriage that we both want. Yes there have been setbacks, tears and frustration, but a year later we are still here. A year ago today, I was crying and screaming on the floor of our kitchen, just wishing I were dead. Today, I have hope. I was lucky that immediately, my H set up counseling for both of us. During the first month and a half of it, he was still seeing the whore (which I knew), but from this website, I learned of the affair fog. That helped me to get through the phase where i did not recognize my H and the things he said and did. It was a weird time because he wanted both me and the AP, but I also learned here that once affairs are out in the open, they tend to die. Luckily, his did. So, what helped during this past year? I’d say knowledge. I read and learn about affairs. They do follow a pattern. I am no longer lonely. My H now spends time with me, not his computer. We make a point to have fun together, and we communicate better than ever. He’s quiet by nature so I have to initiate difficult conversations, but now he doesn’t leave the room when uncomfortable. That is huge progress! I’m not as trusting and naive anymore, and will probably always be on some level of alert, but I do see good things ahead.
Good stuff Lynsey. I would say that you have made tremendous progress after just one year. It sounds too that your husband has done quite a bit to help you heal. That’s so important and necessary.
This is hard to answer…I’m almost three years from 2dday, and this work for recovery is harder than I expected…but that’s the word…expectations…I expected too much year one, let it go year two, now realize into year three, this is my new marriage…it is NOT improved, it is NOT better, it just is…my husbands idea of input is to ignore…so his comment is our marriage is better…well it’s better because I don’t ask him a thousand questions about EA and WHY, torment his present with his past actions, worry about serial cheating….our marriage just is…
Don’t get me wrong, we talk, we laugh, we go out once in awhile, we are intimate, we agree, we disagree, we just have to work at it…it isn’t as spontaneous as I would like, it isn’t as romantic as I would like…he has his moments but the spacing is large…I used to put him on a pedestal that no other man could touch, but now, I realize he is flawed and his happiness is different than mine…his needs are different than mine…his fears and hopes aren’t discussed, mine are, but he never was a talker…
Success? Well it certainly is me…I used to put myself way down because I put my family first. I have discovered things I like to do…i find comfort in knowing I never did anything wrong, and I am not to blame…first EA, I did blame myself, second, NO WAY…he knows it…I have shown my kids and myself that I am wicked strong and have more confidence in myself, others find me happy and passionate about life and my job, I do more for me FINALLY, and I am happy….I wish the marriage could be more, but I have learned not to expect anything from anyone but myself…
TSD, I’m glad that although it seems as though your marriage isn’t quite where you want it to be, that at least you have become stronger and have grown a tremendous amount yourself. That is so important regardless what happens in the future.
March 3, 2013 will be the 3rd anniversary of Dday for me. I am in a much better place today than 3 years ago when my world came to a crash after my H casually mentioned he had “just” found an ex-gf on Facebook. We were in the car driving him to the train station when he said it. My first impulse was to jump from my seat and choke him! I was so stunned I didn’t say anything worth remembering but I do remember felling nauseated. My only thought was, Why? Why did he look for her when he knows it will hurt me? When I got to work all I did was cry. Luckily, I was alone in the office all day.
Once I got home I wrote down my questions to him and the reasons why I thought he had made a terrible mistake. I also wrote down my demands. If this marriage was going to survive he was going to have to make some drastic changes. I can’t say I thought all this up on the spot, actually I had been thinking about how bad our marriage was after 27 years. I was just waiting for the right moment to talk to him about it hoping he listen to me and not turn it around (as he always did) and make me look crazy or a nag. I guess he inadvertently provided me with the opportunity to evaluate our marriage.
I talked to him that night and to my surprise he agreed with me and even though things started to improve from that day I still had the feeling that this ex-gf was just the tip of the iceberg. I was right, I found so many things and so many EAs I don’t care to think about anymore. We have discussed them all and tackled them all. We have read every single book on emotional affairs and discussed what boundaries are and how they must be respected. He knows I will never trust him blindly again and will always be on alert (I hate it! But it’s necessary). He also knows that just as I gave him so much love he didn’t value I could very well take it away. So now that he’s gotten a second chance he’s taking it very seriously and has made a 180 degree change in his attitude.
We’ve learned to communicate in a more constructive way, we avoid any negative criticism and never forget the small things we do for each other that are helping me heal. He has taken responsibility for his behavior and for not valuing all the love I gave him. I have also learned that I am not responsible for his happiness, that I do not feel it’s my fault he did what he did. All the emotional affairs he had where his own stupid choices. Choices that almost destroyed our marriage, our family. He knows all this and is very remorseful. It’s his remorse that has made me rethink forgiving him. I can now say that 3 years later he has been forgiven.
As to the triggers, I am proud to say that they have stopped controlling me. I dismiss them as soon as one pops up. I think I feel powerful because I told my H how I felt about each and every one of these triggers (emails, phone texts, Facebook friends, the COWS’ names, etc.). I even wrote them down in a journal to show it to him so he would never forget how I felt when I discovered it all. This might sound a bit mean but I felt it was absolutely necessary in order to move on. Just as someone had said in a post: “Saying the COW’s name takes away any power she might have over me.” I also felt this was the answer to getting rid of all triggers, by talking about them and not sweeping them under the rug hoping they’d disappear on their own.
Having read so many books has definitely helped us, but finding this blog has cleared up any questions I had and reading other people’s post made me feel less lonely in this mess. I have cried and laughed as I’ve read these post and I want to thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories. Thank you Doug and Linda for creating a blog that has not only been informational but has helped me so much and given me the strength I needed to move forward! .
Natalia, Thanks for sharing. Those are some great successes! I particularly liked the idea of the journaling and then showing your husband. He needs to know what triggers you and how they affect you.
March 11th will be a year since DDay and I look at where we are today compared to that day and I can say that our marriage is in a much better place. I see more of the man I married every day.
Yesterday I got that call that no one wants to receive. It. was my H telling me he was in a car accident and that he was very shaky but thought he was ok. My mind kept racing until I got to the hospital and got to see and touch him for myself. As if that wasnt bad enough, he just got a call from his Dr about an ultrasound that he had on a mass in his neck. We thought it was a fatty tumor like the one his Dad had but come to find out it is also swollen lympth nodes so they want to do a chest CT to see if others are swollen. With my medical background, I know what this means and it scares the hell out of me.
I have eaten a whole lot of humble pie these last two day as I think about everything. I cried when I thought about how frustrating it was when my H kept kissing me good bye yesterday morning and all I could think was hurry up so I can go back to sleep. Now I think what if that had been my last kiss? What if it had been a bigger vehicle that hit My H’s little Metro commuter car. Then to get this call today! I cannot explain what is all going through my mind when he just hugs me and sais he is not worried and that we will get through this!
Thanks for sharing KelBelly. I’m glad that it appears that your husband is OK and hope his CT coomes out fine. I’m also happy for you that things with your marriage are improving so nicely.
I have been there with the life scare as well, and I’m glad he is ok…what a scary time for you…it’s harder when you have more medical knowledge…please be well, and rest in comfort….
Thank you Doug & tsd, We went a bought my H a larger commuter car today and hopefully one that is easier to see than our little green Metro 🙂 Our friends are saying that he probably was saved more injury because he was so snugged in behind the wheel as he is 6’7 and built like a brick you know what. Now we just need to get through the medical stuff and pray for a good outcome there.
I think beyond all that my sadness also stem from so much wasted time of anger and hurt and times like these just clarify how short our time can be together so we need to make every moment count.
Dang, he’s bigger than the Metro to begin with!
You wouldn’t believe how much room the front seats of a Metro have lol! He said it would be better if it were an automatic but not as bad as one would think.
Guys,
Does any body know the blogger who’s grandson could possibly have prostate cancer? Just wondering he outcome. Thanks!
I’m 8 months down the track, what can I say, sure everyday is not a walk in the park but everyday I’m grateful I made the decision to take him back. We have learnt so much together and alone. I’ve learnt I’m tougher than i thought i was and can forgive (I used to think I was black and white about affairs, but I also was so naive and thought it would never happen to me). I can’t forget but the pain has got better. A few days ago I was listening to a song, the song took me back to the night he confessed, the pain in the pit of stomach returned, the memory of the devestation was vivid, ouch! But, i know I think I need to be reminded of that pain, not so I can be a cow and remind him of what he did to me, but to remind me how far I’ve come. The affair changed my husband it made him look at himself like he never has before, it made him get help, it made him look and treat me in the way I’ve always deserved. It has ultimately reshaped our marriage, our marriage was far from perfect but now while not perfect is so so much better, we communicate about everything, laugh, we have fun and we play together now, something we never really did while children and work took presidency. Now our marriage is our number one priority. I am grateful he was willing to change and invest in us, as without that it would not be working.
P.s the obsessive thoughts have got better, when I pointed this out to H, he told me that he was making a concentrated effort to make me feel loved so I would stop being obsessed with her, this definitely helped, time too! I read somewhere, time does not heal, it’s what you do with that time that does.
Helen, It seems you and your husband have traveled a great distance in such a short period of time. Congratulations and keep building on that!
we experienced a success in this recovery process this past weekend, in an unexpected way. My H had got an invite to a birthday party of a new friend he’d met through his hobby, we were both invited and it was clear that it was going to be a posh do where we would only know the host and no-one else. Years ago this would’ve sent me rushing for the hills in fear but I was really looking forward to it. we got dressed up (my H had dismissed my suggestion that he wear his posh suit as he didn’t think it would be posh and then reluctantly given in later – then was glad to be in his posh suit as everyone else was in posh stuff, as I’d expected! and I wore a dress that I felt really great to be wearing. I didn’t feel anxious on the way there (I would have done before) and thoroughly enjoyed myself talking to new people and even dancing. it was a great party. my H was also noticeably more confident as people were asking him about this hobby he had in common with the birthday chap and not discussing his work. I felt like he was proud to be with me and I was proud to be there as his wife as well as having a great time.
Yesterday we were analysing the party during a walk and my H finally realised that he’d spent years in a depressing job and then talking about it to anyone who would listen, even at parties. no surprise people glazed over and thought he was boring, which then didn’t help his self-esteem. It’s taken him along time to realise that alot of what he did was to cope with low self-esteem and being depressed with his job. He wasn’t aware of it at the time and can only see it now.
It felt like a success to have great fun out together in new company but also a success to see my H connecting how he was feeling with how he was behaving at the time and the effects that such behaviour had on everyone around him. I’m just hoping he’s also learning better mechanisms for dealing with it when it happens again.
Great stuff, chiffchaff! It’s great to see that your husband is getting in touch with his true self.
TSD your comment rings a bell, I’m coming up to 2 years now. My marriage is good, in fact reading I would say better than yours (no offence) we do things and I finally saw a future paast the kids for us the other day as normally he avoids that sort of talk. There is an ache, for what has gone it’s not the marriage that it was nor will it ever be but that said I don’t want that marriage either. It’s a new reIatioship but with the old ties, which saddens me I still struggle with how to handle our anniversary and valentines was hard as so many cards refer to the ‘wonderful’ life together. Now sadly I know I can survive without him, that he can hurt me to a breaking point and lataley feel there is something missing from our marriage only I’m not quiet sure what.
My husband is the bury it and move on and that hasn’t changed, I know he doesn’t like what this says about him and I think that’s why he struggles if I trigger so I try to hide them, he asks to know but I don’t get the response I need so why bother anyway. I continue to work on me reading and have a life outside been a mum and housewife again, including been an us and my own financial back up plan. Joined the gym then stopped due to work probs and Christmas and I feel worse for it which I know is part of my trigger, thinking why would he want me with this extra weight. Although why wouldn’t he want me there are so many great qualities and the fact that I’m working on our marriage.
He does make more an effort I can’t deny that, they’re hard to see but they are there and I try and focus on them.
For me it’s a bad day, but I seem to be in this period of questioning, would the grass be greener for me, is she his true love, am I second choice or the easy option. No reason for him to make me feel like this just me when I trigger and spiral.
I know in the main I’m happy, I accept that for sometime this will be part of my life till it stops or I say no more. Whilst I can live with a good marriage, I can’t live with a better one and be a part time mum so for the moment I keep working at it, reading, improving myself and crying in the shower and trying to dismiss the triggers.
I read all the stuff to stop them and know reasoning and I can dismiss then but I hate when they have the power to do this to me although it less I guess I expect it to be gone, So for me know I need to focus on the gym again becasue I enjoy that and how it makes me feel, how it makes me look is a bonus and the triggers I just keep fighting them and pray that with time they will stop. I learnt last time its about reaching point I feel last year showed me we can make it work, this year is me deciding if I want it.
Yesterday was year one since DDay and it went surprisingly good. We talked a little about the year and all the changes. But mostly we did things to build better memories. We have been remodeling our house so we worked on getting alot done in our bathroom. Got the lights in and the cabinets put together. I took pictures of our day so I have memories of the good times so when I am having a bad day, I can see the good that has come of everything. I am truthfully looking forward to anther year of healing.
Good stuff KelBelly. Hopefully one day you won’t even remember when the D-day antiversary is.
I’m OW and didn’t told my H. When I stoped talking to OM he was anger and he told his W about us. He leave me alone for couple of mounths amd then come to me to tell me how disapointed he was with my behavior. He hurt me even more I could imagine. And told me how much he love me and he don’t have and guilt feeling. I do, O, I Do. I have great H full of love. He is and will be no1 for me. Two great doughters. We count 26 y together. I think i atracted OM with my comitment to family, he wanted that, I just wanted to help him on his marriage. He tolked me about his W and everything he wants from her. I always gave him advice to be open with her,to love her. But he started to have fillings for me, and that is what I regret the most, that I didn’t finished then. for 11 m I didn’t stop. Until his W got pregnent. I felt guilt and realized what all of this realy is. I fell in love, yes, but didn’t move my H out off focus. OM still calls, he is trying to activate what we had. I am focused on present, on my family, and I cannot go in my ugla past. He will stop trying, eventually, I hope. But now, I sretan him as intruder, and he is not nice one amy more…
…and it was EA.