This article will give you some ideas on what to do if you run into your affair partner after the affair has ended.

what to do if you run into your affair partner

By Doug

Many of our readers have communicated that they struggle with how to react should they accidently run into the other person.

It’s not just the betrayed spouse who struggles with this issue, but the ex-unfaithful spouse does so as well. For this post, I’m going to address the scenario where the ex-cheater accidently runs into their ex-affair partner.

First of all, full disclosure here… I’ve had zero contact since the affair ended so I’m not speaking from experience. However, Linda and I have discussed this potential situation and will address this topic based on that discussion and my own opinions.

So with that said, for any of you who have had this situation actually play out (whether you are the cheater or your spouse was), we welcome you to share your experiences, lessons and advice in the comment section below the post.

Let’s be clear that we’re talking about an accidental scenario here. This is not meant to address a rendezvous or an otherwise premeditated or purposeful encounter. I’m addressing the chance, unavoidable meeting in public at the grocery store, at a party, at your kid’s soccer game, etc.

I am also addressing this to the ex-cheater who is committed to reconciliation and rebuilding the marriage that he/she almost destroyed. If you’re an ex-cheater and you’re hoping to run into your affair partner, this post is not for you.

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Prior to a chance meeting…

First of all I think it’s important for you to understand that this potential scenario is an event that your betrayed spouse (BS) is more than likely dreading. They realize the importance of no contact and fear that any contact – no matter how little or how accidental – may propel you back into the arms of your affair partner. And in a lot of cases I don’t doubt that this happens.

If you have not had any chance meetings with your ex-affair partner since the affair, I feel that it is vitally important that you have a discussion with your partner to address how you should handle this situation.

Most BS will probably want you to either ignore the AP or tell him/her something to the effect that he/she was the worst mistake ever, that you hope you never see them again, that you love your spouse more than anything, and oh yea… why don’t you go to hell!

In fact, here are Linda’s words on this from almost 3 years ago:

I am sure that I am not alone in my thinking, I wish if he did run into her, he would tell her that being with her was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. He had completely lost his mind, and he loves his wife and his life with me is everything he ever wanted. Their time together was a lie and the experience of seeing her makes him sick to his stomach because of all the hurt their fantasy relationship caused himself and his family.

Will I say that? Perhaps. But we have also agreed that if I’m at the store and someone taps me on the shoulder and I turn around and it was the other woman, I could say something more in the realm of “Hello. I really don’t have anything to say to you. Good bye.” And then scurry off.

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Of course, we agree that my primary strategy is to avoid the running into her to begin with, but that might not be possible unless I see her first. As long as I do then it’s…avoid detection and exit the building!

Will these responses be appropriate for all of you and in every situation? Absolutely not. But they work for us. The point is that you need to discuss it and then come to an agreement as to what to say and how to react. You may need to practice it as well.

Have that discussion right away. Don’t put it off!

Does the Other Woman Play A Role In an Affair or Does the Blame Land Solely on the Cheating Husbands? YOU Decide

During the chance meeting…

This part is easy. Do and say what you and your spouse agreed that you would do and say!

I say it’s easy, but I realize that many of you may be shitting bricks when and if it happens and you may start babbling like an idiot. Others may not have any reservations, nerves or thoughts and the whole event is basically a walk in the park.

The point is, stick to the plan and what you rehearsed and get the hell away.

If You Run Into Your Affair Partner – Disclose the meeting immediately…

Almost as important as handling the chance meeting in the fashion that you agreed to, is doing the right thing immediately after it happens. And that would be to tell your wife or husband that you ran into the other person.

Tell him/her what happened, where it happened, how it happened, what you said, what the ex-affair partner said and perhaps more importantly, how you feel about the meeting. Did it upset you? Were you anxious? Did it bring back any feelings or thoughts of your affair? Etc. Be honest and disclose completely. Answer any questions your spouse might have with patience and empathy.

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In the coming days and weeks you are also going to want to be understanding of the emotions of your spouse. He or she is going to be anxious and fearful that old feelings may have been triggered and that the affair will start up again. This whole event may even trigger your spouse back to a dark time that seems as bad as another D-day. Know this, anticipate it and be patient with it.

Since you are an ex-unfaithful person and you are working your ass off to help your spouse recover and heal, then you will know to continue your life of transparency in a way that invokes honesty and trust worthiness.

You should hold your spouse tight and tell him/her that you love them and reassure them that the chance meeting meant nothing to you other than to confirm the fact that the affair was the dumbest thing you ever did, and the other person was the worst thing to ever cross your path.

Once again, if any of you have had this situation actually play out (whether you are the cheater or your spouse was), please share your experiences, lessons and advice on what to do if you run into your affair partner.



So it finally happened.  After more than 6 years, I ran into the OW.  Well sort of. 

Just about every day at some point, me and my faithful dog head out for about a 3-mile hike on some trails at a county park near our home.  It’s been hot as hell around here lately so for the past couple of weeks we’ve been going early in the morning as opposed to our normal time of around 12:30 or so.

Well the other day it was a bit overcast and the temperature was a bit more tolerable, so we set out for our hike just after lunch.  We jumped on one of our favorite loops that is a combination of a couple of different trails and has a stream for our dog to swim in and a nice hill or two to climb.

The trail takes us through mostly woods but about half way through the loop there is a break into a picnic and playground area which we have to walk through as it connects to another trail. As my dog and I rambled through the opening, I spotted a man and a woman sitting at a picnic table under a shelter eating their lunch. 

At this point we’re still about 75 yards away so I really couldn’t make out much more than that, but as we moved closer (they were now directly to our left) to within about 75 feet, I could clearly recognize the woman to be Tanya. 

Punch to the Gut

Suddenly I felt as though someone just punched me in the gut.  It was like the feeling you get when you narrowly miss getting in a car accident.

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Oh yeah. I almost forgot to mention that I was able to tell that the man was NOT her husband.

As we moved past them, they paid no attention to me. I could see that they were laughing and appeared to be having a grand time

We quickly trotted by and escaped back into the woods and onto the trail where we could not be seen.  Whew!

I was thinking that it looked as though Tanya had managed to get herself involved with another man.  Not surprisingly, I might add.  Then a very small part of me started to think that maybe I should go back and crash their little party just to see the look on her face.  I ignored that thought and we just continued on our hike feeling relieved that I escaped undetected.

Later that night I told Linda of our little experience.  At first there was a look of, shall we say, concern on her face.  One thing she has always feared is the day when I run into Tanya somewhere.  But as the discussion continued, that look of concern became more like a look of disgust. A look that would say…”See, I told you!”

The fact Tanya was with another man, and assuming this was another affair, only served to cement Linda’s opinion that Tanya was/is a serial cheater and manipulator – along with some other choice descriptive terms. (In case you didn’t know, Tanya had previous EA a few years prior to me.)

Naturally, Linda started tossing some questions out at me…

How’d she look?  Do you know the man she was with? Did seeing her make any feelings come back? Why didn’t you stop and talk to her? Did you feel jealous?

I responded by saying that the truth of the matter is that I wasn’t close enough to tell how she looked and I didn’t recognize the man she was with.  Certainly no feelings came back and there is no desire to have any further contact in any fashion.  I didn’t stop to talk because I don’t want to see her, much less talk to her.  I could really care less what she does or doesn’t do – so there is no reason to be jealous.  There is no desire to have anything to do with the worst mistake of my life!

After a while Linda’s blood pressure returned to normal.  We talked a little about how Tanya would appear to have a bit of serial cheating blood running through her veins – and probably always will.

I’m also hiking early in the morning from now on.

Note:  We thought this little experience would naturally fit with this original post from about 7 months ago.  Feel free to add any comments and/or thoughts on what to do if you run into your affair partner.


    92 replies to "What to Do if You Run Into Your Affair Partner"

    • gizfield

      My advice is Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! That’s what I did. It works great. Plus, I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to say to this guy.

    • gizfield

      I think not interacting with the person gives the message that you don’t want anything to do with them, better than anything you can say.

      Other people may not agree with this, but if it were a public situation, like standing in line at the bank or driving down the road, and no one else knows about it, I would not bring it up. You are bringing the AP back to a place of importance. If it was somewhere that it might come up later on, say a party or your work, and look like you were hiding it then tell your spouse.

      I do think there is no reason to talk to the AP at all again, ever. It’s really just giving them importance. They don’t need to know what you’re thinking. They don’t need to know if you’re happy, sad, oblivious, whatever. It’s not their business whether you love your spouse or not. They are not your concern. What they think is not your concern. They are irrelevant in your life. Show them you don’t care by your actions. They’ll get the message.

    • gizfield

      There are a couple more reasons I think no interaction with the AP is best.

      1. They think they are the Great Love of your life. You are with your spouse because they are “letting” you stay in your marriage. They think you aren’t with them because your spouse says so, not because you don’t want to be. Talking with them reinforces that belief.

      2. No Contact means no contact. You don’t answer phone calls, texts, emails but if they Catch you in person, you talk to them. This gives them more incentive to be where you are. It gives a conflicting message.

      3. It is just easier. Instead of getting into a conversation to be analyzed later, all you have to say is “Tonya was at Jim’s party last night. I didn’t speak to her.” No I said this and she said that required. It gives the AP a chance to get back in your thoughts and head when you communicate with them. They do not deserve to be there. Don’t let them in.

      Just my thoughts, as usual.

    • gizfield

      oops, I forgot reason four.

      4. You don’t need to know ANYTHING about your affair partners like either. They will use the contact to tell you they “have moved on, are doing fine, they miss talking to you, don’t Regret What You Had” , etc. Anything they can say to make themselves relevant to you. Don’t give them the chance.

      Walk away.

    • gizfield

      5. Your AP has also thought about this accidental meeting, ran through the possible scenarios, and formulated their own action plan. Especially if you are NO contact through conventional means, this is their opportunity to Open the Door to you. If they do anything other than walk away from you, they have an agenda to advance.

    • Lin0416

      I have been following this site for almost a year now, but this is my first post. I found out about my husbands work affair almost 11 months ago. My ongoing problem and the reason I feel I can’t move on is they still work together. They have daily contact via email, phone, and in person, their jobs require it. I do have access to his personal and work emails now, which helps but I am set off and still angered so quickly. Our kids are 3 and 6 so I am trying to keep working on our marriage but I still feel extremely sad at times and that it is inevitable that I won’t be able to get past it. This article peaked my interest as I have seen his AP in the grocery store and I dodge her. We were also on a date one night and walked into a bar/restaurant and she was there sitting at the bar so we turned around and walked out. I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable and am the one avoiding her I’m not the one who did anything. I never would have that I would react that way! My emotions are still a roller coaster, it wears on me, my husband, and the kids.

      • Doug

        Hi Lin, Thanks for the comment! No way your husband can find a different job – or at least a different department or something where he won’t have contact with the OW? Not sure you saw this post, but it deals with the BS running into the AP. Lots of good comments as well:

        • Lin0416

          Thanks I will read it!

      • AnnaB

        My heart goes out to you Lin because you are dealing with such a lot whilst looking after a young family. No-one should have to endure the emotional trauma and misery that affairs cause. My husband had an affair with a work colleague for 18 months and I know that if they’d continued to work together it would have driven me insane. Luckily she left the job and I didn’t have their daily contact to worry about. There are so many things that affect us at this time:- fear that it is still going on, not knowing if you’ve been told the full story, lack of appetite and weight loss, lack of sleep and depression etc. If your husband can change jobs then he really should do, for your mental and emotional health, which also benefits your children. My H’s OW left the job very quickly because I guess she wanted to put distance between them as she was frightened that her husband would find out. In my opinion any decent human being would leave out of decency. I hope your H is understanding as to how you are feeling. I wish you strength, and hope you have someone you can confide in, which is very important for your well being. It’s been 3 1/2 years since D Day and we’ve discussed what he would do if he bumped into her, and he says he’d ignore her and walk the other way. However, if I bumped into her it would be another story…! I knew her as an acquaintance and feel like they both betrayed me, and as I haven’t had it out with her it is unfinished business. I don’t know what I will say but I need to say something.

        • Lin0416

          Unfortunately my husband is not able to transfer or change positions. He does look for new jobs, but half-heartedly, as this is the best job he has had and he excels at it. He says he does not want to go backwards, and he was hoping she would quit. This is also the first time he has provided job stability during our relationship. As recently as 5 months ago I found personal emails between them and blew a gasket as I don’t think even being friends is appropriate. He does understand how I feel I think to a point. To him it’s over, she doesn’t mean anything to him, and he says it never was about her. At this time I don’t think he is friendly with her anymore, but he was lying about their contact before to me so I find it hard to believe that now he is telling me the truth. It sucks because as long as they have contact I don’t think my insecurities will go away. I found out about the affair from her husband, and they have filed for divorce since. My husband says she went after him, I know it’s a 2-way street, but now she’s soon to be single and I fear she has no morals! I will continue to focus on the positive things he has done, but it’s never the one thing I want which is her out of his life.

          • OHC

            Well, she has the same morals as your husband, to be clear.

            If you found personal emails between them AFTER both you and her husband found out and after her husband filed for divorce, I am not sure you can really trust your husband on this one.

            Sometimes APs do have to work together after the affair ends–luckily that didn’t happen to me as we both left our jobs. But I would look seriously at what your husband is saying. Do they absolutely need to be in touch for their jobs or is it more that they are just in the same office.

      • TAK

        I have been following this site for a few years, and I read your comment, and I feel your pain. I was in your position 4 years ago. The only way for you to get over this completely is for there to be absolutely no contact between your husband and the OW. My husband left his job to prove to me he was committed. It was a struggle when they were working together and I was not able to recover, especially when I knew the OW was still trying to ignite some feelings between the two of them. My husband changed his e-mail and cell phone number as well.

      • Tricia

        Why in the world is he still working there? Get him outta there. How convenient is that!! An affair is an addiction and as long as he’s working with her he’s getting his fix and will not get over her. You have to remove the addiction!

    • OHC

      There are other possibilities, though, Giz. The AP may be under orders of no contact from their spouse as well. And they aren’t necessarily trying to get back together or start something again. Again, if it’s a chance encounter they are just as likely to be as shocked as you are

      Personally, when I saw my AP walk into a cafe I was in when we were no contact, I hid for an hour until he left because I had no desire to see him. Not the most mature, but also reduced the stress for me because I didn’t want to deal with figuring out what to say. If he had seen me, I’m not sure what I would have done

      But I agree, obviously, that there is no need to interact unless you are in a situation that forces it, like a work event or something. And then I think being polite but distant is the best approach.

      But no need to assume the AP is going to take this chance encounter as an opportunity to restart things or tell you you made a mistake. they may feel like throwing up and running the other way. I know I did

      • Gizfield

        Ohc, it’s interesting that you mention the AP “may be under orders of no contact ” by their spouse. Believe me when I tell you my husband is not under any no contact order from me, and I doubt most married people are. He is free to do as he pleases. As am I. I have told my husband from day one that I have no interest in being married to someone who sneaks around “dating. ” he is more than welcome to hit the door and quit wasting my time if thats what he wants. I think it’s a myth among cheaters that their spouses are desperate to hang onto them. Also, there is no reason to be polite to someone who has had no regard for your spouse, family, or marriage. If that is where his loyalty lies, so be it. I’m not planning to be in a competition with anyone when I’m married. They can take that mess with them, if they like.

        • OHC

          Just trying to make the point that you seem to be operating from the belief that the AP in question will always be trying to get back together or make a pass at the WS in question. But in fact all of your WS are someone else’s AP. Sometimes the AP is single, but a lot of times there is another couple going through the same thing you all are going through. And just looking at odds, about half of your WS were the one who was broken up with, not the one who ended things.

          So, maybe there should be some discussion of how to think about what you will say if you or your spouse was the one “broken up” with. Chances are they will have a more emotional response to running into their ex-AP than if they were the ones who ended things

          And I don’t have any assumption about how spouses pursue no contact–remember I was a single AP requesting no contact while my married AP never agreed to it. But there have certainly been some blogs where the BS implies that they have insisted on it, so who knows. Not everyone necessarily takes your approach

          • gizfield

            It doesn’t matter to me one way or the other who “broke up with who” , this isn’t junior high. I’m not tolerating my husband having anything to do with other females that he “dated” or sneaks around with while married to me. Period.

            I don’t know if the AP in any situation is pursuing a cheating spouse or not, some will, some won’t. Again, it doesn’t matter. The world is full of whores, this one wasn’t Special. If he is a serial cheater, and gets another girlfriend, she won’t be Special, either. If my husband values his relationship and family and he sees his girlfriend out somewhere, my suggestion to him is that he keep on walking. If he wants to exchange his wife and family for some meaningless chatter, it’s his choice, not mine. There are plenty of Cheaters who have done exactly that. I can’t change the fact that he acted like an imbecile before, but I certainly control what I tolerate and I don’t tolerate cheating any longer.

            • OHC

              You are kind of arguing just for the sake of arguing. I said several times that it’s best to have no interaction.

              My only issue was with your assumption that the AP is always dreaming of your husband, planning on seducing him, bitter that he ended things. That this attempted seduction is the main thing to be prepared against.

              The fact of the matter is that the WS was a wiling party to the affair and is just as likely to be the one who is looking for something from his ex-AP in the encounter. Believe me, it happens. Any wife who thinks that isn’t possible is just plain naive.

              After what I have been through tonight, I am sick of all the blame on the OW for being so sneaky. Of everyone, married men who have been in an affair, particularly with a single woman, are the worst. The lies to the wife just keep going and going. Don’t delude yourself otherwise

            • gizfield

              I’m not the one who thinks Cheaters can be trusted, and that AP should have “good memories” of each other and be “friends”. Personally, I will never trust someone who fucks me over, even once, much less repeatedly. I don’t make this any secret.

              It sounds like you are starting to see your AP for his true self.

            • OHC

              It doesn’t affect my memories of him or my belief that we had true feelings for each other. It does reinforce my belief, one I have told him several times, that he needed to work through the issues that led him to have the relationship he had with me. He went into therapy for depression and never told the therapist why he was really depressed. It was stupid and counterproductive. And is leading him to blindly follow his feelings for me without owning what he is doing. And it means he isn’t letting me go live my own life

              It’s not clear that this plan of his will work out for him. But it’s a big enough deal that I may contact his wife anonymously, if for no other reason than my own self protection

            • Blue

              Giz- I really admire your non-bullshit responses- almost every time.

              This sure isn’t junior high school.

              I’ve been telling my teens lately, just because someones a doctor, or lawyer, cop, grandparent, teacher, high management in the government, your boss doesn’t make them good or wise. People that are wise have integrity and wouldn’t do something they have to hide.

            • oceangirl

              Just wanted to say that I like your point of view, gizfield!!

            • gizfield

              Thank you, Ocean Girl!

    • Gizfield

      I just really dont think acknowledging your AP is a good idea, in virtually any instances, unless forced to by work, etc.

      I really doubt it will go the way you want, even if you have practiced a speech, or whatever. That might work in a recorded message or something but you are dealing with a person. There is no way to tell how they will react. They may pout. Cry. Bat their eyelashes, stick out their chest, lol. Plead their case. Turn abusive. You never know. Who knows, maybe you will instantly Fall Madly In Love with them. Doubt it, lol. Anyway, closed doors are best left closed. In my opinion. No offense to any other opinion.

    • Gizfield

      Thanks, Blue. When my husband’s girlfriend was insulting me about my age (I’m nine years older than her, and I dont give a damn, I assure you)I later told him I should have responded “who do you have for homeroom this year?” She was really that immature.

      • Blue

        Giz, she insulted your age?! Only a cold hearted emotionally deficient person could spew idiocy like that. She will be 9 years older one day…

        I vented to the OW in an email after DD. I never swore or called her a name, though I did say the things I knew she did do with my CH and that I knew she was a church going Christian and said wasn’t the basis for Christianity to ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ and she replied ‘We’re all sinners’ It was beyond her emotional intelligence or decency to just take the blame for what she did to me, she had to point her finger at me, even though she didn’t know me at all.

        I know my husband is emotionally slow (shallow), he seems to be trying..

    • exercisegrace

      If I ran into her now, I would probably just laugh and keep on walking. She is meaningless in the big picture of our lives and she knows it. She is relegated to one tiny footnote of one chapter of a story that spans more than three decades of our love and marriage. And it’s not a pretty footnote. “Worst mistake he ever made” or “affair partner turned bunny boiler” are the two likeliest notes. As time has gone on, I can see his remorse and regret is real. She was nothing more than an escape from the depression that overwhelmed him at that time. They both may well have thought it was “real” love in the early days of their affair, but time has proven it was not. In my mind, real love means mature love. The kind of love that can make it through anything, that thinks of the other person before self, that wants the best for those they love. Affair love is selfish love. It takes and doesn’t care who is hurt, robbed, or left devastated in the process. It ignores children, promises, and family. I am thankful I have never had that kind of love. I wouldn’t want it. I am happy knowing I am the woman he truly loves and wants to be with. I have his name, his ring, his children and our home. We have a history and a foundation. Anyone could have filled the brief, sordid purpose she did. Not everyone could fill the role I have filled for him all these years. So yes, while I do have days I would love to give her a piece of my mind, mostly I just pity her for how low she is. He wasn’t her first affair and I doubt he will be her last. She’s in her forties now, so……yeah. Good luck with THAT.

      • Strengthrequired

        Eg, good for you, you are inspiring. your right, your h ow held nothing over you and your h relationship, and I know as time goes on for me, I will feel the same way. Even though I know she holds nothing over me as well, with the years and family we have had together, she too was just a bump in the road, that got in the way due to my h depression midlife. Sometimes I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

    • TryingHard

      I ran into the OW. I knew she wod be there too. She worked part time at a retail store. I was talking to a clerk and around the corner her big fat ugly self came. I glared daggers at her, shook my head and laughed in her face!!! Then when I was checking out she came up to the other cash register. I never even acknowledged. I wanted to turn around and flip her off but I didn’t since it was where she worked. Had she been shopping I would have. In fact I did once. She was standing outside her other job. I was driving by, it’s a busy street. I honked, and flipped her off. LOL it was fun. She is NO match for me. Now though I would just pretend I didn’t know who she was but she truly is that insignificant in my life. Like a bad dream. One thing I would never do is let her think I was intimidated or scared of her. It’s she who should be very afraid of me. And I truly believe she is. My H may be a “big f^**ing pussy”, haha her recent word but she knows I’m a vicious tiger!!! I think I’ll keep her thinking that. She’s lucky I haven’t drug her lying ass to court and taken what little she has left . She’s not worth me taking myself down to her white trash level but if she EVER tried anything stupid she’d see my wrath!!!

      • Strengthrequired

        Th, is her other job standing on a busy st, lol. I’m guessing you kwim. Lol. Seems appropriate.

    • TryingHard

      Her primary job was as a whore!!!!

      • Strengthrequired

        Are you serious? Wth was your h thinking? Did he know it was her second job?

    • TryingHard

      No just kidding. But she played for a lot of money. Thinking???? Ha there was no thinking, just scheming. Once I got her out of our business, oh that wS a fun day firing her mangy ass, she went back to work at her previous. We turned her in for unemoyment fraud and she had to pay back over $10,000 of fraudulent benefits. She had to take a second job I guess to pay it back. How’s that for getting my pound of flesh from the skank!!!

      • Strengthrequired

        You are too funny, how gullible am I. Lol. I love what you did btw, hopefully it showed her not to step in another woman’s garden. Lol
        How was Valentine’s Day?

    • TryingHard

      It was good. Valentines day is south pressure for men.

      It’s a funny thing with revenge. There’s never enough but she sure hasn’t had it too good!

      • Strengthrequired

        They are placed under a lot of pressure for Valentine’s Day. It’s worse now the pressure than what it was years ago though.

    • Windsong

      I have asked my spouse to commit to NO CONTACT with the EA partner. The ongoing affair contact stopped after D Day for the most part. However, my spouse chooses to continue attending social events knowing full well the OP will attend. High School reunions are a major trigger for me as the OP was a childhood friend, described as the first “Crush.” I refuse to attend these functions to avoid making a scene. My feeling is that NO CONTACT should include all social events where this person is likely to attend. My spouse lived under the guise of “Just Friends” throughout the entire secret relationship and would like to treat the OP as though nothing happened. Together they almost destroyed our marriage at a time we should have been having the time of our lives. I guess my fear is that the things that are triggers for me will also be a trigger for my spouse. EA’s are built around emotions, and lifelong friendships, once romantic, are dangerously hard to break. I have a need for 100% commitment to our marriage without exception, without the temptation of being exposed to the OP again and again.

    • antiskank

      This was definitely a big concern for me from day 1. My H and his AP worked at the same office in different areas and had sought each other out up to several times daily. After being tole by him how perfect she was, how he loved only her, etc, I didn’t want the whole affair restarted.

      When my H ended his contact with his skank, he phoned to tell her that they shouldn’t see each other because his wife thought it was inappropriate. Her response was that she would see him at work. I took offense to that and I called her a week later to let her know exactly what “No contact” meant! I was super polite and civil but suggested to her that it was my H’s idea and that it was not good for either of them to have the whole workplace gossiping about their time together. He tried telling me that there was no way that they could avoid each other at work but their jobs did not require that they even be in the same part of the building so I knew that was a lie and shut it down!

      After I called her, they stopped contact (as far as I know). He would tell me when he saw her in passing although I know he didn’t tell me every time. He would pretend he was over her, that he didn’t want to see her and was disgusted by the very thought. I would see her on occasion and feel sickened by the very sight of her.

      Fast forward 2 1/2 years and I was finally starting to feel okay about him going to work and not jumping back into the affair. Although he wasn’t doing the things I needed him to do, I thought things had improved greatly. Looking back, I realize the change was in my attitude not in his efforts or actions. He happened to mention that he had seen her in the hallway at work and as usual I asked him if he had said anything to her or vice versa. After much discussion, it came out that he had said “Hi” to her. to me, this was a way to restart the affair, to show her the door was open. He says he was being polite!! Why? to Her??? Give your head a shake. After years of disrespecting me and almost completely destroying my life with her, he has to be polite to that skank???

      Further discussion revealed that although they had not been sneaking their secret moments for a long time, he was still fantasizing about her, dreaming of getting BJs from her, longing for her – for that entire 2 1/2 years!!!!! He had been lying to me the whole time. It was indeed still her that he wanted. Add a few more issues to my growing list of trust concerns!

      After he begged for another chance, we have been working since that point, at least I still have to repair the damage. He is starting to finally come around just as I am ready to show him the door. It’s high time to get his act together.

      I mentioned this column to him today and told him how Doug felt about seeing his AP. He agreed it would be difficult as it is just something that he wouldn’t want to deal with. It would bring up all of the bad things that happened as a result of their affair. although I am glad to hear that most of the CS would not want to meet their AP, I also wonder why it makes any difference to them. If they no longer have those loving feelings for them, and there are no feeling left, what’s the big deal?

      I don’t know if the close proximity of the skank at work where he could see her every day, even if only from a distance made a difference but I think in his case, it made the feelings stick around longer. Because the whole thing was based on fantasy (and we all know that you only imagine ultimate perfection in a fantasy!) that was ended at the height of his “love” and lust, it seemed a little more difficult for the poor guy to let it go. Seeing her and knowing he couldn’t have her made him want her even more! Awwww, don’t you just feel for him?

    • TheFirstWife

      I like the fact that Doug saw this AP /OW with another guy.

      It makes it appear that for many of us, if it doesn’t work out with our H, the OW will just find someone else. Just a teminder to the CS or CH that while you may have given up your life and family for this person, in reality you were expendable. Nothing more than that.

      She did not really “love” you. She moved on when to someone new when you were no longer available.

      How does that make you feel now? Can you honestly say that person was worth it?

      Not sure where I tead this story but a guy was part of a committee or board at his church. One woman was very attractive and I guess in some way let him know she was interested. He was married. I don’t remember if she was. At first he enjoyed the littke extra attention but then one day he took s step back and looked at her objectively.

      He was surprised at what he saw. This was Hus reality check. Attractive woman and smart. Clothing style was a bit revealing. She was very flirty with all the guys. Looked for attention. Tended to dominate the group.

      In any event he realized he was not interested in being the object of this woman’s affection. He was married. He removed himself from the group to avoid any further issues

      His comment was that with the rose colored glasses on she was perfect. When he took them off and saw her for her true self he realized she was not all that.

      Too bad the CS cannot see their AP for what they teally are. A liar and cheater.

      • theresa

        Does a WS ever see themselves as “a liar and a cheater”?

        • TheFirstWife

          Nope. It is all about justification.

          Maybe after the fact some cheaters do but I believe most do not.

          If you have reD some of my other posts they tell themselves things to justify their choices. Which is why most of the cheaters do not go to counseling. It would burst their bubble.

          • Strengthrequired

            TFW, I agree, not all see themselves as a liar and a cheat. They just have justifications as to why you made them cheat, because well, to them it was all our fault after all.

    • TryingHard

      Oh man I bet you did cut a wide berth!! Good for you telling Linda. You knew their would be questions but you did it anyway. Really awesome!!

      Well I put the OW in the name search on the Ashley Madison dump and low and behold her email address came. Kinda gives meaning to Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater.

      Ah, yeah, Tanya’s trash!

    • Strengthrequired

      Good on you Doug, for having told Linda about your sighting. I would like to hold on hope that if my ch ever sees his ow, that he dodges her as well and if seen by her and she tries to talk to hi. That he ignores her attempts. I also hope if that happens he tells me, yet if truth be told, I doubt he would say anything. No doubt he if he did run into her, they would talk up a storm, because well they are related, and I would still be left in the dark about the encounter.
      I like to imagine that he would do the right thing by me, but I think he would still be the one that doesn’t want to look bad, so wants to keep looking like the good guy.

    • Shifting Impressions

      Now that is a good question to put up for discussion… the possibility of running into the OW is rather high. I have a feeling my husband wouldn’t say a word to me, even though I think he would try to cut a wide berth just as Doug did.

      I’m going to bring this up, I think we should be prepared and have somewhat of a strategy. I was going to say, it hasn’t happened thus far but I don’t know if it has or not because full disclosure hasn’t exactly been the pattern.

      • TheFirstWife

        I think it would more fun to talk about what if we, the wife, ran into the OW!

        The hell with the men – what would we do?

        I am certain my H would avoid her for fear she would let him have it. She was convinced he was dumping me for her. So I believe she may have some unresolved feelings and feel the need to unleash.

        I don’t think he would talk to her if he could avoid it. After what she subsequently did to me and the lies she told, I now believe he sees her for exactly the person she is.

        And I do believe he would tell me. Right away.

    • TryingHard

      OOO I like that game First Wife!!!! Can we tell what we did OR what our fantasy is? Because mine involves a tatoo of my car model on her forhead 🙂

      Let the games begin!!!!

      • TheFirstWife

        Let the fun begin. I know one woman who posted here said she ran into the OW and cursed at her across a parking lot. Pretty drastic behavior but that’s it?

        But I would be curious to know what others have done. Could make a great book.

        but please feel free to share. Real. Or fantasy.

        My revenge is called karma. Her current boyfriend cheats on her. In fact I fantasize about paying some hot girl to lead him astray. And how she would react. But then I know I could never do it. Just not in me. I am such a loser/do gooder.

        But it is fun to dream.

    • TryingHard

      LOL First Wife that was ME!!! Not the parking lot. I was driving by on the road. She was standing outside her work smoking. As I drove by I honked, rolled the window down, flipped her off and yelled “eff you (insert skank’s name here)

      Haha so not drastic, great relief. I’d do it all over again too. If I saw her in the grocery or any where else I’d flip her off again. I’d flip her off in church if she went. I would flip her off every time I saw her. I would NOT however, go into her work and flip her off.

    • Tabs

      My fantasy…

      I told my CH that if I ever saw the OW, I’d take a skateboard to her head. For those of you who don’t watch Sons of Anarchy, Katy Sagal’s character swings a skateboard at the much younger OW’s nose. I started cheering, loudly, when I saw that episode. I actually think my husband was worried. If there ever was a skateboard handy while the OW was in range, I would love to swing and break her face. When I told my CH this, he said he’d try to stop me so I wouldn’t get into trouble. Fine. Save her. I’d break his face.

    • Rachel

      I just read my post from 2012 about my ex’s OW. I stated how she is a dirty skank without a stitch of class. Yes, she is but I now switch this to my ex. He is a dirty skank. No class.
      And I am better off. Took a long time to feel this way. But when I talked to my attorney this week and I hear that my ex tried picking up his 21 year old daughter , it totally disgusted me.
      I have to be in the company of the ex tomorrow night at our friends daughters wedding.
      I just have to remember that I’m the one with class and to ignor the skank that he is.

    • Heartbroken

      Wish I had such self control Doug. I, on the other hand, as the betrayed spouse running into “her” at the local Mexican restaurant, called her an awful name. So out of character for me! I’ll blame it on the margarita I had. Lol

    • Heartbroken

      Oh that was me first wife. Ha ha

    • TryingHard

      All this crap is out of character for most of us!!! No ones unique in that. Chow me a traumatized shell shocked betrayed spouse that says they didn’t do anything weird and they are either a liar or don’t care. It’s called snapping and it happens all the time. Do not eff with other people’s lives.

      The ow in my life had sex with my husband, took money under the guise of a loan “trust me I’ll pay you back once the construction us finished”, guilted him into loaning her money for a car, threatened her way into a job where she was an embarrassing disaster and that’s only the highlights!!! Flipping her off pales in comparison to her deeds.

      But ahh schadenfreude she’s hot terminal cancer…. You can’t make this up

    • Heartbroken

      Well I don’t wish her terminal, I’m not that evil. I just wish her some of the emotional pain she has caused me.

    • TryingHard

      Lol heartbroken. You crack me up. I didn’t even have to wish it!!! She got it wall on her own 🙂 if I thought had magical wishes I’d have wished for her to get hit by a Mack truck!!

    • TheFirstWife

      I would be a total witch and talk to her like she was my friend.

      She would be so confused she wouldn’t know what to do.

      Kill ’em with kindness. Works every time.

      And sometimes the evil in me hopes her current boyfriend cheats on her. Let it be her turn though truth be told I think she was dumped by some random guy which is why the affair started again. Whatever.

      My guess is that she does not have a good track record with relationships.

    • Heartbroken

      Oh that sounds familiar! My husbands OW has two young children to two different men. She is in and out of relationships and had several different boyfriends during the EA. She is 33 and my husband is 46. We have a 27 year old daughter for crying out loud. They also worked together and continued to for 14 months after I found out about it. She finally got transferred 5 months ago to a different building. The affair continued on and off the whole time and I’m sure it would have continued if she hadn’t left. Every time I would find out he was still talking to her and asked why, his excuse was he just liked talking to her and couldn’t stop. I contacted her on many occasions and asked her to leave him alone but she would just call me crazy and tell me to get a life. That would infuriate me! Lady you ain’t seen crazy!!! Lol

      • TheFirstWife

        Wow that is an infuriating situation. You act with character and respect and you get pretty much slapped in the face. What is with this younger generation?

        My H OW tried to start up a third time. Emailed him about 2 months after my H set up no contact. She was blocked on email, phone, etc. so she emails him on one account. Starts going on & on about their “connection” and how it meant so much to her and how she hates to lose that. My H does not respond. But I do. In a nice way I ask her to leave us alone so we can heal. I just had a suden death in family and was hanging on by a thread emotionally.

        Crazy OW then unleashes at me. On her blog she ripped me to shreds for well over a year. Called me every thing you could think of. The only thing she did not do was publish my name or H’s name. But she wrote a children’s book and included details of the break up.

        So she cheats with a married guy and he ends it and that is my fault? Very sound logic here.

        So that is why I would kill her with kindness if we met. I am never going to stoop to her level. And if she only knew how many times I told my H he could be with her and he refused you would laugh at the irony.

        I guess I stood in the way of her happiness and true love. ?

    • Tabs

      So what do you do when the OW doesn’t believe she did anything wrong. My H goes after a 22 year old, just three years older than our daughter. Yuck!! They flirted and sexted constantly and, at the time I found out, neither believed they did anything wrong. My H finally agreed that his behavior was hurtful and inappropriate. But the 22 year old wouldn’t stop. She evenutally graduated and left, but returns often for vacation. To this day, I doubt she understands what she did was wrong. It’s all a big playground for her enjoyment.

      I found a picture of the OW on facebook. She was “friends” with my daughter since they went to the same college and had mutual friends. My daughter did find out and managed to find out that the OW almost broke up another marriage. If what goes around, come around, I’m still waiting to see what comes around.

      • Strengthrequired

        Tabs, I’m still waiting too. Just hope we both get to see Karma strike when it does. Maybe somewhat bitter sweet.
        The ow in my husband life didn’t believe she did anything wrong either. I am sure she thought I was holding him back from being with her, his true love, yet I told him as well go and be with her, if that is where you want to be, just go. Time and time again, yet he wouldn’t. I guess so much for their true love…..

        • TheFirstWife

          I think they all believe we are the wicked wife. Well why wouldn’t they?

          Does any cheating spouse actually say “hey my wife is a great person and she is beautiful and fabulous and caring but hey, you’re hot and I like a little something on the side”.

          I don’t think so. The AP only believes what they are told, true or not.

          In many instances it does not sound like our CS is picking a brainiac type of woman. On the contrary the descriptions of the OW on this blog show a pattern and trend. Much younger in many cases, some APs are serial cheaters, many are also married (no morals) etc.

          So these APs believe the fantasy and lies they are fed. After all why would a married guy/girl who cheats on his wife lie to them? Duh!

          • Strengthrequired

            First wife, it’s funny my husband used to tell me how stupid his ow was. Lol. Yet honestly she wasn’t that stupid, she took so much from us, (him). She just acted stupid and a damsel in distress to get him to give her what she wanted.

    • Tabs

      This OW knew my H was married, but pursued him relentlessly. She wasn’t interested in marriage, either. I believe she just wanted the thrill of the chase. And my H being the sh*thead he is, loved being pursued.

      • Strengthrequired

        Tabs, I think all of our spouses loved being pursued. Our spouses were getting it from both sides, U.S. And the ap. talk about a boost to their ego.

    • tryingtomoveon

      I’ve been busy for the past several weeks, but still wanted to reply to this post.

      About a year after my H ended his online EA with a little tart in the next state ( Idaho), we were stopped on our backcountry road by construction crews. We were driving our truck with a trailer attached as we were going to pick up several tons of hay.

      As we sat waiting to be flagged on, I looked up and noticed a car with ID tags facing us in the opposing lane, and a car with Washington tags directly facing us in the same lane as we were. They two drivers were talking; the ID car was driven by a woman wearing a backwards baseball cap and a blouse similar to one I’d seen in other photos so graciously provided during their affair and in the WA car, an unknown man. When the woman looked back forward from talking to the guy, she suddenly turned right down a very steep driveway at top speed—just as my husband was laughing through the open window at our friend’s comment about who knows what. Since no one lived in that house at the time, it was pretty obvious she was getting out of our way in a hurry.

      Since I knew she sometimes fishes at a nearby river and also engages in all sorts of fishing activities with a fishing group that sometimes camps at a spot not too far from us (on the road back to ID), I did some Facebook and Google searches over the next few weeks. Sure enough, she posted a laughing photo of herself with a big fish she’d caught on the website of the local fishing tour company she’d mentioned in an email to my H, and another with the group to which she belongs that were fishing at their favored campsite several miles down the road.

      My husband had seen the car dive down the driveway, and thought it was weird, but didn’t see her at the wheel of the vehicle. He, too, wondered about the guy facing us so we couldn’t get by. When I showed him the pics, he offered to draft a note, which he had me email her since he does not want any contact with her. It basically said: stay off our road and out of our lives. I added that I would be visiting her home with the compilation of printed emails that document their affair (which she consistently referred to as “friendship” since they were not sleeping together) to share with her husband, which I had already threatened in a previous email telling her what I thought of her relationship with my husband. A few days later I checked my sources again, and lo and behold the fishy picture was gone from the tour company site; the other photos were still posted since I guess she couldn’t exactly tell her fishing buddies she had bumped into her AP on a back road!

      Believe me, my H’s attitude about seeing her helped a bunch. He’s told me since that he would totally ignore her if they came face to face as he wants NOTHING to do with her. I think he also realized at that point that he was just another guy in her pond since he, too, had met up with her in one of their two “dates” (as she called them) at a fishing site.

    • Falling Ash

      Well done Doug! Avoidance was the best course of action, AND you told Linda straight away. That is what I would hope my OH would do.

      During the affair, when they would meet, the OW would ask how I was…maybe that salved her conscience for meeting with MY partner in secret.

      I had fantasies about my OH’s OW being run over by a bus. Or being cheated on by her partner. Which did happen apparently. Oh the irony! Who did she turn to when that happened? Yup! My OH!!!

    • TryingHard

      E. Paulson

      Whhhaaa you say??? It’s obvious English is NOT your first language, nor is intelligence, rational, or logic your strong suit. Cannot follow your gibberish.

      Maybe this way of thinking works in your third world country, Bangladesh probably from the sounds of it, but not here in the US. Perhaps you have to be an OW to put food on your table. Poor thing. Life sucks for losers like you.

      I don’t give two shits what your low life uneducated opinion is of me. Go fuck yourself, everyone else has obviously!!!

      When you can write a grammatically proper sentence then maybe we can talk. Otherwise and until then YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!! Don’t waste your time. You are nothing more than a dirty cockroach in my world which is MARVELOUS!!!!!!

    • The other woman

      I feel really sad reading these comments. I am in the position of being “the moral-less tart/skank” I guess…both my EA and I were married, we worked together occasionally and were friends, or I thought we were. Until one day he told me he had feelings for me and started 3 years of awfulness I cannot describe. His confession made me realise I had feelings too, doubts about my (unhappy at the time) marriage and wanted more from my life. Things only progressed between us a little before I ended all contact but we had seen each other secretly for a few months. We were both clear we weren’t prepared to risk everything we had for each other regardless of our feelings. Since then I have worked so hard on my marriage and maintaining no contact, the only time I bumped into him I even told him to talk to his wife properly so she could heal! I confess when I was going to perhaps see him at a work event for the first time in a year I was stewing on it for ages beforehand…what if anything would we say to each other? And a little excited to see someone I care about, who was a close friend before this happened…well guess what, he left the moment I arrived, didn’t even acknowledge I was there or say hi. Maybe he didn’t see me. But either way it floored me, even a year on…i held it together but found myself sobbing my heart out on the way home! I know it’s crazy to care. I guess it’s caused so much heartache I needed or thought I needed some validation that it hadn’t all been meaningless, does that sound crazy?

      • TryingHard

        The OW—Please don’t tell me you came to this site to expect some kind of sympathy from Betrayed Spouses. If you’ve read at all any of the posts and comments from EAJ you know this is not the blog to expect any kind of pity.

        So ok you knew the man was married. Heck you were married. How did you really expect this would end? Are you surprised that since he has reconciled with his wife and has promised NC he would have treated you in any other manner?

        The way he treated you was the correct way to treat you. You should be smart enough to know that and expected to be treated in that manner as you should have treated him the same. Your relationship was wrong. You know that. The only way to go forward is very little or better yet NO contact.

        You say you are working on your marriage. NC is an imperative for both of you to move forward in the current relationships you both have severely damaged with your delusional fantasies of love and relationships.

        I’m sure you believe you are quite the hero telling him to talk to his wife. Yeah that’s NOT your place or business. Your business is to quit insinuating yourself into his life. Leave them alone. Mind your OWN business that of you, YOUR husband and YOUR family.

        I’m sorry you felt so sorry for yourself that you felt you had to “sob your heart out” on your way home. But you did this to yourself. YOU bought into the pretend fantasy of romantic love. You are the one who thought you were so special which obviously you aren’t or weren’t according to the MM since he now wants nothing to do with you and has found the value in his primary relationship with his wife.

        I suggest you quit feeling sorry for yourself and avoid him like the damn plague. You came dangerously close to ruining a lot of peoples lives including your own. I suggest you’ve been granted a second chance and I hope you make good use of it.

        I’m sorry if I sound harsh, no not really #sorrynotsorry. But I am trying to be provocative and to wake you up before it’s too late and you cause yourself more heartache by acting like a petulant teenager! Take care of yourself and your husband and your family. Do good for others instead of feeling sorry for yourself and your purported “unhappy marriage”. You know how you make an unhappy marriage worse? Have an affair. You want a happy marriage, then be happy!! Read some books on how to work on your marriage. You are grasping at low hanging fruit by having an affair. And that fruit will give you nothing but sickness and death. Move on and be grateful for once in your life.

    • TryingHard

      The OW–Also I need to add that if you want a blog where other OW’s will “understand” your “unique” pain I know for a fact there are many other places you can go to get this support. Those blogs are full of love songs and love poems and all kinds of fluff to assuage your wounded ego and sense of love.

      EAJ is not one of those places I am sorry to say unless you are an AP who is genuinely remorseful. EAJ is a place for people who have been terribly wounded by people’s complicitness such as yours in their partner’s betrayal of them. People here deal in reality and not fantasy. People here are struggling with real personal issues and not some romanticized version of what their lives are. People here are being tested for STD’s, have children whose well being are jeopardized because of AP’s, people who are losing life savings and mostly trying to figure out how to move forward in their lives after what turned out to be the most traumatizing event in their lives.

      For you to come here and complain about sobbing your heart out because a MM insulted you will elicit no sympathy or compassion from the readers here. Take a different turn and you will be amazed at the compassion these great, wounded readers will show you.

    • RecoveringDumbass

      Forgive me for not knowing the acronym lingo… I had an affair last year. It ended very, very badly. I’ve been working my ass off to rebuild my marriage, which was pretty messed up to begin with every kind of deceit except for cheating from by husband. It feels like everything has been thrown at us in this past year to try and break us apart. So needless to say, we both have had an uphill battle, but we’re still in it together and getting there.

      My ex-affair partner and I are NC, which I demanded and have stuck to. He’s a piece of human garbage and I have no interest in seeing or speaking to him. But then something happened this week that jolted me.

      I am a long-distance runner, and signed up for a race a few months back. The participant list is public. I found out today that he signed up for the same race, and I think it’s because he saw my name there and is trying to stir the pot. Seeing his name put this sickening lump in my stomach, and I’ll admit that I went and checked his social accounts (which were blocked) to see if there was any clue as to WTF was going on. What I saw was a little disturbing–like seeing someone write your name on a billboard. I have a lot of specific interests, and he’s been making a lot of public posts about those things–things that he never seemed to care about until we went no contact.

      I don’t know what to do. I’ve been training for this race all summer. Now I am oscillating between no-showing, or showing up to prove that I can. (It’s MY race for crying out loud! He doesn’t even run!) If I did that, my plan would be to focus on running a good race, and not talk to him or acknowledge him whatsoever. But I still am just like…. WTF. I knew we’d run into each other eventually, but this sucks.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Why not talk to your husband about this….perhaps you can decide together the best course of action. Here is an opportunity to be transparent with your husband….something really important when trying to rebuild trust.

    • RecoveringDumbass

      I think you’re exactly right. And I did talk to him. He told me to run the race and I’ll have a big cheer/support squad at the end.

      The consequences of an affair last a long, long time. Biggest mistake of my life.

      • Shifting Impressions

        You are right about the consequences lasting a long time….but you can get through this.

        I’m glad you talked to your husband and that you are not allowing choices the OM is making control you.

        Good luck on the race!!!

    • Soul mate

      I only have one fantasy and that is that I the betrayed run into that single parasite who got her jollies off with my husband.
      It would give me great pleasure to spit in her face and shout her sin out for everyone to hear. After all, why would she have a problem with my spit? I mean she wouldn’t have had a problem screwing my husband and other things, knowing he was doing the same with me, if he had agreed to it? What’s the harm in a little spit in the face? After all , she had no problems with offering to engraciate herself in what was left on my husband’s nether regions and mouth after sex with me. In fact the pig just might enjoy it. After all wasn’t that what she wanted in the first place? Sickening!

    • Kittypone

      Am I an absolute horrible human being for posting the harlot’s info with a picture in a cheaters website? Like “She’s a Homewrecker”? That was about a year ago, I NEVER disclosed having done this to a SOUL, yet my H claims “he heard” me saying this to my therapist…..I swear by all that’s holy, I didn’t ….how did he find out about it unless he was googling her name to see what he could find??? He denied it and swore up and down that he heard me but of course, I know he didn’t ….I got enraged at him for still looking for ways to gets news of her….so…..I am NOT remorseful for having done this….she’s all the way in MX, and only speaks Spanish, so I doubt she’ll ever see that site…. and if she ever does….oh, well….karma IS a byotch…..

    • Scorned-girly

      My husband still works with his affair partner and it’s distressing every day to me. We are almost 7 months post D-Day. I contacted her told her basically what I thought of her behavior, his too!!! Still, I am in a holding pattern and fairly sure I’ll be here forever as long as they work together. They used to work on projects together quite frequently but I asked him to inform his boss of the affair and request that they no longer work together. They sit 75 feet from each other daily and of course can totally avoid seeing each other. He’s done basically nothing to find another job even though I bring it up at least twice a week. We are just n counseling but it’s slow going. There were some other significant issues that we’re dealing with too. I sent a letter to her unknowing husband informing him of their affair late October hoping he’d force her to quit, no luck. She’s one of those people that portrays herself as perfect, pta mom, bible school teacher and active church member. I’ve been leaking her secret out little by little. Hope she feels the stares at the PTA meeting this month!!! This is a living nightmare!!!

    • Scorned-Girly

      Where have I been? This is a thing??? I bet that felt amazing!!! ????. *googling cheaters website

    • Tryingtogetover

      I have fantasized about posting the OW on “She’s a Homewrecker” lol I feel so much sympathy for all of you who have spouse and AP in the same workplace, what a nightmare. 10 months post D-day my H spotted his AP on the street and managed to duck behind people and avoid having her see him, so he told me. He texted immediately that it was like a nightmare he had to escape. Then he came to meet me at my workplace and broke out in shingles from the stress of the whole episode (his second outbreak of them this year) so I know it was really awful for him. It cleared my worry that seeing her would make him wish to go back to her. Still, I wish it had been me seeing her instead so I could have gracefully put out my foot and tripped her flat to the sidewalk.

    • Making it through.

      I am a married man. My wife had the affair. She initially broke the no contact rule in subtle ways, saying goodbye when she left her job, and saying ‘hello how are you?’ Not understanding that the fact she wanted to know how he was or tell him how she was, even if it was ‘i’m fine’, hurt like hell and to this day I still think it was the worst part. I don’t ever want them to acknowledge any feelings for each other and to justify those feelings, even if those feelings are ‘we went through a lot didn’t we?’, or ‘i was just asking how he was’. Even eye contact feels out of the question!!!

      BUT!!! BUT!! BUT!! do you know what? you have to give that up or more accurately, keep working on giving that up when your thoughts arise. You CANNOT control another person and if you try and succeed then you are bound to that for the rest of your marriage, a marriage based on control when what you fear the most is that the love in your marriage was never real. So base it on control and you will actualize your worst fear, hmmm?

      So you don’t really want to control anyone (well I don’t). Trying to control equals anxiety and fear of losing that control. It equals the illusion of trust and, in your head, puts the responsibility back on you for preventing an (another) affair (something I am sure you blamed yourself for shortly after D’day). The affair was not your choice or your fault. Whatever you did (or didn’t do) to make the marriage unhappy, if it was unhappy, might be down to you, or even if it was a happy marriage and you don’t know what you could have done to change things, it does’t not matter, you never chose the affair for your partner, you couldn’t, no more than you could make any decision for them. If you think you have ever decided something for somebody, you didn’t, that was your decision, not theirs, no matter what, and I’m even talking sandwich fillings here so something as complex as an affair, forget it.

      Trust is not you trusting them to ‘behave’, its trusting yourself and ‘your’ decisions. Its trusting yourself to be well enough to show up to your marriage and be your best, not sitting back and expecting your partner to screw up, that’s miserable. Its trusting your decision to carry on with your marriage (or to walk away) Its knowing that you can get through hurt and survive, knowing you can make your own decisions, even really difficult ones and that they aren’t the affairs decision, they are yours. Its trusting that you can be happy and enjoy things. Anything else leaves you totally powerless, a victim, waiting for and trying desperately to avoid the seemingly inevitable manifestation of your fears then shouting “I knew you would do this to me!” when you find what you were looking for. Sounds crap right?

      You are no doubt telling yourself that ‘I would leave her’ ‘I would leave him’ ‘that will show them if they ever do that again’. I know I did / still catch myself doing. But I think the fight is to stop those thoughts and imaginary decisions. It conjures a situation that isn’t present, isn’t happening, is out of your ‘control’. So take the power out of it by not giving power to it.

      If you have had the conversation with your partner that they do not contact, then that’s all you can do. If they break it, it will be your decision on what you do next. have the conversation again, leave, stay, don’t care, whatever is right for ‘you’ because, that’s your decision, and in there is your strength. You never have to justify it to anyone, you just have to trust that you have it and that it will be there whenever you need it and that the only person you can control, is yourself.

      • Tryingtogetover

        Making it, I agree with Kittypone. This is just what I needed to read here at the year-and-a-half mark. I have been working so hard to stop inventing future disastrous narratives in my head and just live in our present, happy marriage. My husband has put his affair behind him and it is now my hard work to stop being scared, paranoid, on-guard and fearful. I really appreciate all you said about control – esp that a controlled marriage is not a real marriage! Excellent reminder and thank you.

    • Kittypone

      Making it Through,
      I didn’t hear you dropping the mic, but here it is: *drops mic*……YOU, sir, win the internet today!! I am speechless that you have so accurately described what I have felt/done after the affair, so I just decided to coin the word AFTAIR: the hell that we go through AFTER the AFFAIR is discovered/disclosed!! Thank you for putting into the exact words WHAT really goes on to the majority of us when dealing with the AFTAIR!!! Somebody give this man a recognition certificate, please!! I pray that your marriage makes it through, that your wife finally wakes up from the affair fog and that the TRUST is earned back on her end so that the mess stops affecting you both. Blessings to you!!

      • Making it through

        Thank you for your kind thoughts..
        It helped me to write it.
        I hope it helps somebody else.

        • TryingHard

          Making It- boy did you nail it!!! The whole thing about control is spot on.

          Yeah i went thru that whole imaginary process. If if if…. Like i needed another instance of deception. I didn’t. I had all the reasons in the world. And yet i couldn’t stop my brain from trying to dig deeper.

          It wasn’t until i took that simple concept of giving up any control i thought i had, did i really start to heal.

          The idea that we have control over anything is such an illusion when we believe we can control others. Controlling others is manipulation. And you are correct. That’s no marriage anyone should want to be in.

          Great comment

          • Making it through

            Glad to hear you are healing. It does happen doesn’t it, but not on its own. I know I am not alone in saying I wanted it to happen faster but you have to be strong enough to heal and I needed to bring it about. And that came from me taking back control of myself.

    • Shifting Impressions

      Making it Through…..I agree with you one hundred percent!!! I absolutely believe your strength and power are in your response. There is strength in coming to the realization we can’t CONTROL our partners and neither should we want to.

      But like Trying Hard I also went through that whole imaginary process. I also had to come to the place of giving up control or detaching somewhat. Trying Hard and I have had several conversations in the past regarding that very thing.

      The book IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO by Winifred Reilly was really helpful to me regarding that concept.

      You put it extremely well….thanks for the reminder!!

    • Janice M

      I guess where I struggle is the disgust the cheater feels, i get feeling badly, but I’ve heard that before that the cheater is actually disgusted by the thought or site of the OW, however, they were together more than once, so how is it he wasn’t disgusted then but is after he got caught??

    • Making it through

      If it was a long term affair then there is a good chance the unfaithful is not disgusted (a really, really good chance). They may see the error of their ways (hopefully), they may be disappointed in their behavior (hopefully) but they are not disgusted.

      The hard part (for me) is not needing them to be disgusted in that other person for me to feel secure. That’s me just needing the other person to be less so that I am more. I don’t I need it / want it (I regularly tell myself I do but I try to push it back). Why? because there is no treasure at the end of that particular rainbow. The thoughts alone just stir up ‘how much I hate that man’, my disbelief that it happened, wanting to know she actually hated him and thought he was ugly but she was just out of her mind, so that, in a way, it didn’t really happen! It did, and if I get her to tell me how much she hates him and is disgusted by him then I will need her to keep telling me that to keep me above him, by one. And that way, we will never shut up about him and I will think about him, which I really! really! don’t need to do anymore. I will not judge my worth that way either. I wont simply be OK as long as I am better than him. It is up to her to decide to leave that relationship behind and deal with it in a way that doesn’t threaten our marriage again so that we can build. I don’t need her to be anything apart from committed.

      I think that if feelings for the other person are causing problems still, I don’t want to hear lies about how disgusted she is, I would rather hear the truth and I would want her to step up and do something about it. It takes two people with that mindset to get on with getting past an affair together. So personally, if it was a constant ‘I am disgusted’ record being played, I would to shut that down because you do not need to hear it you are way stronger than that. (just my opinion).

    • still struggling

      I did run into my husband’s affair partner. It was in a grocery store and she was there with a friend. I spotted her first and made a quick turn around but apparently I wasn’t quick enough. The minute she saw it was me, they both headed over and began following me up and down the aisles. She began making very loud, cruel, rude remarks about how it wasn’t her fault I couldn’t keep my man happy and she could, and if I wasn’t woman enough to keep my man then it wasn’t her fault if he thought she was so much better than me. commented that I looked like an old heifer now, and she wondered who was keeping him happy now. (I have had some health issues and have gained quite a few pounds) but at the time of the affair I was much younger, much thinner than she was. I kept trying to get to an aisle where hoped they wouldn’t follow me. My anxiety was through the roof. I was trying not to cry, trying not to be sick, trying to hold it together. I couldn’t, I ended up bring my cart full of groceries up to the service counter in tears and telling them I wasn’t feeling well and I’d have to come back at a later date. Then, I actually ran out of the store to my car. I could hear them both cackling like two hens. A couple of weeks later at another store, my husband and I were doing the self check out and she was at another register and she actually picked up her things off the belt and got in line behind me. My husband saw her coming and took off letting me sit there and she began with the negative comments and I turned around and yelled for my husband to get back here and help me. He did choose to come back and when she saw him she was a sweet and polite. I told him to take over and I walked out of the store. He had already heard the negative comment to me so as she tried to talk to him nice and sweetly he just ignored her. She ask him if he loved me, then why he didn’t stick up for me…. he didn’t answer but that’s a question I had too, because when I had told him about what she had done and what had all transpired with her, he dismissed everything, didn’t respond, he showed no empathy or concern for the fact that she was harassing me. When I brought it up again ,he said to ignore it, she’ll probably never do it again… Well he was wrong… she got my phone number and began the harassment through texts and hang up calls. He wouldn’t put a stop to it because he thought she’d get mad at him… Hello??? Finally I told him that if he wanted to still keep her in our marriage, in his life, then he would have to do it without me in our marriage and in his life. I packed my bags and headed out the door. It took him 3 days to realize I was dead serious. He called me, ask me if we could meet somewhere to talk, sincerely apologized, I explained to him that she would continue to harass me, because he was sending the message to her that he was allowing it, giving his approval by not protecting his wife or his marriage. We talked long into the night, Figured out quite a few things about what we could do. The very next day I got 3 hang up and a nasty cruel text, (usually got them every 3 to 4 days apart). My husband took the number off my phone called her and told her to leave me the hell alone and if she ever tried contacting me or him again, he would file for a restraining order and press charges of harassment against her. He then contacted her husband (who knew nothing f what she was doing), told him what she had done and what he would do if there was ever any contact from her again. It’s been 5 months and so far so good… finally after 2 years I finally feel confident enough to actually go out in public by myself to do shopping.

      • Doug

        Crazy story, SS. I’m glad that things have calmed down the last few months. Let’s hope it stays that way!

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