Trying to Get Inside the Mind of the Other Woman – 5 Reasons the OW Does What She Does

Inside the Mind of the Other Woman

 

An affair survivor confides in some friends who are cheaters and gets inside the mind of the other woman.

by ‘TryingToGetOver’

There are two people in this world who I told about my husband’s affair. And they are both cheaters themselves.

Why would I tell them, of all people? Well…because I trusted that they could help me understand. I needed to know how HE could do this, but even more, I needed to know how SHE could try and break up our family. 

I needed to get inside the mind of the other woman (OW).

If affairs are common (and duh, they are) then OWs are common—and we know them. They are not demons. Well, maybe a little bit. Mostly they are self-centered and short-sighted during the affair.

Here Are a Few Reasons the OW Does What She Does…

Please chime in with your own thoughts, these are just mine!

BOREDOM

In many cases of workplace affairs, I don’t think the two people would even glance at each other had they not been thrown together some 8 hours a day. But when people spend most of their waking hours with coworkers, it stands to reason that feelings might flare up because of proximity and, frankly, boredom.

My best friend (and first person I confided in) has what I could kindly describe as a “work husband” who is someone else’s actual husband. And I believe my best friend has done her best to make it something more. Why? It gives her a reason to look forward to going to work. She feels so happy to have a “friend.” 

She knows it’s shady. She counts on him to set boundaries, which she respects. I believe she staunchly refuses to think about his wife, a compartmentalizing trick critical for any affair. (And so important for us who have been cheated on to remember: It isn’t about us. Sadly, no one is thinking about us.) The flirting keeps her work life interesting.

She doesn’t want a husband, she’d rather die than be a stepmom, she refuses to use dating apps and has no interest in available men because she loves the freedom of being single and, at 49, is past wanting kids. She likes having this guy to dress for and talk to. I am not justifying this, just putting it out there because even if I disapprove, I know her well enough to understand her psychology.

BTW her words of comfort to me post DDay were helpful: She said, “You don’t even realize that she can’t compete with you. You’re the mother of his children. You’re his family. She can’t catch up to the 20 years you have together.” All true.

 

FLATTERY

On the other end of the spectrum is my workout buddy. I did not confide in her, but I learn a lot from her. She does not pursue other people’s guys, yet she’s been pursued by two of them, relentlessly. With one she got drunk, caved and slept with him, ruining the friendship she had with his wife. With the other, she has set boundaries, though IMO not nearly to the extent that she should. Her attitude is one of wonder and flattery.

When she meets men on dating apps, she has to try so hard to be appealing. But these married friends fall all over her, and she is just amazed. She knows it’s wrong and has asked me many times, “What should I do?” My answer is always some variation of “Tell him to f-ck off,” but she insists that’s too drastic, that she must hope he snaps out of it. She doesn’t want any couple to divorce. And so around it goes.

 

How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog

 

DELUSION

This is a variation of boredom, and one that works best with some physical separation. In the case of my husband’s AP, she came up with this entire, second reality where she and my husband were a unit separate from the world. She didn’t want to leave her husband. My husband was adamant that he wouldn’t leave me. So they had a secret shadow life that was mostly virtual, so easy in this day of texts/chats/etc.

For her it was a balm during long, boring days as a housewife with only one child and a traveling husband. The delusion is apparently thrilling, and from what I understand actually being together is only a kick because it is short and temporary and secret. The “drug” becomes planning to see each other again, but there is little real-life connection and the relationship can’t sustain if the curtain is pulled back.

 

FINANCIAL NEED

There is a whole subset of affairs where a woman is financially supported by a married man. The other friend I confided in put herself there, reasoning that the man was separated so it didn’t really count as being an OW.

She was divorced and living on the edge with her kids at the time, so this still-married guy was comforting, bought her great dinners, flew her away on a short vacation, helped her pay her rent once or twice, and otherwise kept her going. I’m sure it’s not an episode of life that she’s proud of. And most of us don’t have husbands who can afford to support multiple households! But in this case, too, I can understand even if I don’t approve.

 

LOVE

I also know married people who divorced and took up with their APs, forming new marriages. Statistics show us these rarely last, but I know at least one that did. It’s just important to know that this is a rare unicorn. People who don’t have the decency to divorce and then court another person are going to continue to have relationship struggles.

Mostly what I conclude is this: The OW is not chasing a married guy in order to hurt his wife. I think that is nowhere on her mind. Those of us who have been betrayed are the victims, but the unintended victims while our partners and their APs live out an ultimately sad and doomed self-centered storyline.  They are living lies and deluding themselves and firmly shutting out thoughts about how hurtful they are being.

But tell me, what you think, are there other reasons that a woman would chase after a married man?


 

(Thanks so much to ‘TryingToGetOver’ for sharing her experiences with us – again.  We love to share articles from our readers.  So if you’d  like to submit an article for us to possibly post on the blog, feel free to contact us about your ideas.)

Photo:  mitramirae

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Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful
Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings.  They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.

 

 

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42 Responses to Trying to Get Inside the Mind of the Other Woman – 5 Reasons the OW Does What She Does

  1. Nearly Normal December 19, 2018 at 11:21 am #

    Good article.

    There are many reasons, of course. Behind it all, there is selfishness. “I want what I want,” although he/she might not say it that way. Behind every affair, I think, is that a person puts their own desire (not necessarily sexual, but desire for something) ahead of their partner. Even if he/she thinks they will get away with it, it is all about ME, which is not how their own relationship should be functioning.

    Just a few thoughts that are not terribly profound.

    Hope this time of year is happy for anybody reading this.

  2. Exercisegrace December 19, 2018 at 2:02 pm #

    In our case, I think the OW is a sociopath. At least that’s the opinion of our two trained counselors! In her childhood, daddy dearest had a long term affair he refused to give up, her mother stayed in the marriage and became an alcoholic. She then grew up and developed a pattern of pursuing married men 10+ years her senior. She had a long time boyfriend who was 21 years her senior at the time of the affair.

    During an angst-ridden conversation, when my husband told her he couldn’t believe how he could ever have become a cheater, she told him she had “fished for him” for a long time, and had “pursued him aggressively” long before he was even aware of her intentions. She seemed actually proud of her conquest (daddy issues anyone?). Personally “catching” the slow moving, dim-witted, middle aged land mammal known as a cheater, doesn’t seem like much of a prize!!

    She terrorized us for several years after the affair was over and showed herself to be a genuine bunny boiler. Lucky me.

  3. Hopeful December 19, 2018 at 8:33 pm #

    All I can think is that these ow have serious issues of some form or another. I know I will never understand it and I feel there is no reason or excuse. Exercise Grace my husband had two ow. One was more of a one night stand. The other one pursued him for years. She would beg people for his phone number and track him down and show up wherever he was. I mean that is crazy. This woman has kids and a job. Who has time for that unless you are mentally unstable. And my guess is they would have excuses just like my husband did for years. All they can do is justify why they are doing something that everyone knows is wrong. The only reason is if a man lies and does not disclose they are married. That would be the only defense.

  4. TryingHard December 20, 2018 at 9:19 am #

    I had a former employee who was trying to get my attention through my work email. I took the professional route first in dealing with him asking if there was something he needed regarding his employment or his pay. That didn’t work. He continued to pursue. I ignored him. That didn’t work. Finally i sent a terse email stating very clearly that i was neither interested nor flattered by his emails and he should stop it right away. That shut him down. This guy was easily 30 years younger, had two small children and no job. Ah yeah how do i jump all over that hot mess??? No thanks.

    That’s how you shut down MM or MW who pursue you. Funny thing was other people including my h thought i should be flattered this guy was making a pass at me. I wasn’t.

    In fact no your friends did NOT place boundaries or did much to tell these men no. They liked it and actually let them chase them knowing men love the hunt!

    I’ve read many OW sites. Getting into their little pea brains is not difficult. They drink the kool aid of the wife is frigid, she ignores him, they have separate lives etc all to justify their actions. Most intriguing to me is how they romanticize the affair. Two star crossed lovers kept from each other because the MM is too “honorable” to leave the wife. So weird and sophomoric.

    These OW are disordered people. Yes most are to some degree sociopaths. My therapist diagnosed my hs OW as a sociopath as well. She too had a very sad life growing up. Well lots of people suffer sad childhoods and don’t have affairs with MM. no in fact these women justify their behavior with the excuses your friends gave you Trying.

    I’m sorry your two good friends are such disordered people. I’m sorry they are still in your life during this difficult time you’re going through.

    It’s a shock when one finds out their friends have no moral compass and are doing dispicable things. I had a friend whom i thought had been cheating prior to my discovery of my husbands infidelity. My pain and struggle was too much for her because she saw what she was doing to her AP wife. We drifted apart. And I’m ok with it now. She’s not who i thought she was. Good riddance.

    These OW are disordered and entitled people. Some even get off on thinking they are pulling something over on another woman who they know are better than them at most every level

    I’m happy you got some solace from their advice. I’m thinking they meant well and were trying to help you. But in the end they could not care less who they hurt. Hopefully them seeing your hurt and anger will motivate them to stop seeing their married affair partners.

  5. TryingHard December 20, 2018 at 9:55 am #

    Si after i wrote this comment i read a Newsweek article where Marla Maples says she never saw herself as Donald’s mistress. Seriously read it. This is what’s in the mind of OW. She even uses the word Divinity in her statement. Because yeah nothing says Christian values like having sex with a MM ?!?😳. I’m thinking Ivana has a different opinion of her

    They are disordered delusional women. Bless their stupid little hearts

  6. Shifting Impressions December 20, 2018 at 11:21 am #

    Will we ever really know why they do what they do? They do it because they can!!! Which begs me to ask the more difficult question…why did my husband let them?? He is not a stupid man…far from it. And yet he didn’t shut it down…or better yet never started it in the first place.

    Why does anyone take what doesn’t belong to them?? For me the more haunting question is why did my husband give away something that belonged to me? And I have a hard time buying how these poor guys are hoodwinked by these predators. What lies did they feed to the OW? Oh so much easier for us to vilify only the OW. Our partners were not innocent. They could have shut it down as Trying Hard did with her unwanted suitor.

    I will never really know the motive behind the OW’s actions in my own situation but I have not lost a lot of sleep over that. My husband opened the door and let her in…..that’s what haunts me.

  7. TryingHard December 20, 2018 at 1:45 pm #

    SI- agree totally. You’re damn right he could have shut her down. He sure doesn’t mind telling me no. Honestly I’ve stopped thinking about what the OW thought a longgg time ago as well. She took up way too much space in my head for too long as it is. Yes it’s so easy to villify that harlot 😂.

    • Shifting Impressions December 20, 2018 at 6:10 pm #

      Trying Hard
      I think sometimes it’s easier for people to direct their rage at the OW/OM than at their partner. There will always be opportunities to cheat and betray…it’s up to us to ensure that we don’t. Unfortunately our partners didn’t protect the marriage and honor their vows to us.
      “The devil made me do it” mentality just doesn’t fly with me. Or I just coudn’t shut it down because I would hurt her feelings type thinking. What about hurting my feelings??

      Alright I will stop my rant now!! I think by vilifying the OW/OM it can be tempting to take the focus off the responsibility of our partners.

  8. Anon December 20, 2018 at 3:28 pm #

    This assumes the AP is the one who initiated the affair.

    If it’s the married person who chases the OM or OM – then what? I agree it is still on the cheating spouse to put a stop to it.

    But I wonder how many people start Affairs thinking the affair partner is single or separated and available?

    • Danni December 21, 2018 at 9:36 am #

      Anon-yes you are correct. And I wasn’t thinking it. I was told, ‘it”. The hurt to this widow, who wanted to love someone was and still is enormous. And when I learned the truth I informed this cheater’s partner. I found out much-that he had been a cheater on his wife who he had been married to twice and cheated on her in both marriages. Then he took up with a married woman and lived with her for 5 years before her husband died, having advised her to milk along the marriage so she could inherit everything-he had the professional designation as a Divorce Planner along with his Stock Broker’s license. And while maintaining a live-in relationship with that woman started cheating on her with me. And never told me. It was not affair to me. I felt happy again for the first time since my husband had died. And when I found out that he lived with a woman and asked why he didn’t tell me, his first words to me were, “I was going to tell you at the appropriate time.” Imagine that. Analyze that, please. And then he added, “I love her and I am never leaving her.”

  9. Samantha December 21, 2018 at 7:42 am #

    In our case the OW was a sociopath who worked with my husband. She became friends with us both and infiltrated our lives on a regular basis. My husband and I have been together since we were in school and he’d never been with anyone else. He’s the least flirty guy ever and a real family man. He’s been a devoted husband and father. Our therapist says that she was jealous of our life and how great a husband I had and wanted it for herself. She imitated our lives to the extent that she copied pet names, decor items and furniture placement, wall art by our favourite artists, liked the same music we did, planted the exact same things in the garden we did, same crockery, bedding …. She even had breast implants as she was flat chested and I’m not. Our therapist said she was a sociopath and was trying to turn herself into the kind of person my husband was clearly attracted to but it was just an illusion. She never had that man. She relentlessly pursued him right under my nose. He ignored it as she’s the flirtiest person ever but was like that with everyone so didn’t think she was after him. She made a very obvious pass at him in work – pressed herself up against him, pressed her rear into his groin and lifted up her skirt! She admits she did all the chasing and believes he was never looking for an affair. They never dated or bought each other gifts – just had casual sex at the office now and again usually standing up from behind. The therapist says very few women would want anything so unromantic. He believed she wanted control and to hold something over us both while still being in our lives. My husband was a fool and we’re working hard to get over what he did. He’s having therapy and we’ve never been so connected. We’re both changing and growing. It’s going to be a long process and I have dark days but I know we’ll get there. I know he made his choices but I have a lot of hatred for her as she clearly set out to get him and stopped at nothing.

  10. Doing Our Best December 21, 2018 at 7:49 am #

    In our case the OW was a sociopath who worked with my husband. She became friends with us both and infiltrated our lives on a regular basis. My husband and I have been together since we were in school and he’d never been with anyone else. He’s the least flirty guy ever and a real family man. He’s been a devoted husband and father. Our therapist says that she was jealous of our life and how great a husband I had and wanted it for herself. She imitated our lives to the extent that she copied pet names, decor items and furniture placement, wall art by our favourite artists, liked the same music we did, planted the exact same things in the garden we did, same crockery, bedding …. She even had breast implants as she was flat chested and I’m not. Our therapist said she was a sociopath and was trying to turn herself into the kind of person my husband was clearly attracted to but it was just an illusion. She never had that man. She relentlessly pursued him right under my nose. He ignored it as she’s the flirtiest person ever but was like that with everyone so didn’t think she was after him. She made a very obvious pass at him in work – pressed herself up against him, pressed her rear into his groin and lifted up her skirt! She admits she did all the chasing and believes he was never looking for an affair. They never dated or bought each other gifts – just had casual sex at the office now and again usually standing up from behind. The therapist says very few women would want anything so unromantic. He believed she wanted control and to hold something over us both while still being in our lives. My husband was a fool and we’re working hard to get over what he did. He’s having therapy and we’ve never been so connected. We’re both changing and growing. It’s going to be a long process and I have dark days but I know we’ll get there. I know he made his choices but I have a lot of hatred for her as she clearly set out to get him and stopped at nothing. I’ve realised with all the reading and therapy that there are a lot of troubled unhappy women out there who think nothing of going after someone else’s husband! My eyes have been opened!

    • Shifting Impressions December 21, 2018 at 10:45 am #

      Doing Our Best
      I get that there are people that go after another person’s husband or wife. But there is a progression to these things. Someone’s hand lingers to long. Someone sits to close. Someone flirts a little to much. That’s when our partners need to to say that a line is being crossed.

      It’s a little late when someone is lifting their skirt and pressing into your husband’s groin. If all the things that came before didn’t make him run…surely that should have. That was quite a choice he made to accommodate that lifted skirt.

  11. Recovering with a Broken Heart December 21, 2018 at 9:04 am #

    I agree with Shifting Impressions. The OW/OM did not make promises & take vows with the betrayed spouse; their spouses did!

  12. Llinus December 21, 2018 at 9:54 am #

    My wife and her AP were both in the mindset that “this is just how marriage is. It won’t make all my happiness, so I’m gonna find something to make me happy. Something ‘fun’. Something ‘just for me’. Primary justification was that I (and OBS) would never know, so it would not have any downsides. Wouldn’t hurt a person that they legitimately cared about. So that meant no consequences. So why not? There’s no downside. And with all of the self centeredness they don’t think it makes them a ‘bad person’ because well ‘I’m not a bad person’. So why not?

    Somebody kissing your ass and telling you how amazing and sexy you are non stop?
    Sex that is exhilarating?
    Feeling powerful?

    I get the appeal of these things. Only problem is they aren’t real. They are a fantasy. And I supposed I’ve just been better equipped to live in the real world than either of them. Also loyalty is something that I don’t think that either of them really thought much about. To me it is everything. It is one of the things that defines me.

  13. Over it December 21, 2018 at 11:19 am #

    My husband is divorcing me for the OW. We’ve been together for a decade, they’ve been together for a whopping 8 months. I believe she chased him due to his position at work and his income. They also go on lavish vacations and I’m sure he flies her on business trips with him. They’ve actually traveled more in 8 months than I have with my husband in years. I think all she sees is $$$.

    The OW contacted me to say I was a looser, I need to get a life, I should move out of the house already and so on. I didn’t respond. It’s mind boggling how some OW are so nasty to the wife. Hello, you’re sleeping with MY husband yet you think I’m a looser? It’s amazing how badly she wants me out of his life so she can take over my life.

    My husband still denies the affair, even though I have solid proof. He hasn’t shown any remorse and never apologized for the devastation he has caused. I honestly do not know who is anymore.

    I have enough dignity and self respect…my house is packed up and I’m moving out in a week. I just wonder how the OW will like flying coach and staying in 2 star hotels because my husband will be paying me a sh*t load of alimony. Ahhhh karma, I do love you!

  14. Soul mate December 21, 2018 at 12:23 pm #

    Hi TryingtoGetOver,

    Your best friend could be my h parasite.
    She being 49, single and a coworker. No kids, well, accept the one she gave up.
    Calling her host “a friend” makes me wonder whether your friend is her. And this whole new name (work wife) for a skank who poaches married men because they don’t want to be tied down is bogus. Bored and want to flirt, join a dating app for singles. People need to stop trying to dress up / sugar coat a pig with names like that to make them look more acceptable to tolerate. I legally am attached to my h. I have spent 27 years raising his kids, cleaning his house, doing his laundrey, cooking, hosting parties, working full time, healing him in sickness, supporting him through his bad times and making love to him. I AM HIS WIFE. Frankly, It is a total lack of respect for us wives to hear an AP called that. There is no such thing as a work wife period! They are what they are period! Parasites who latch on to thier host and drain them of all thier time and attention.

    I in no way mean to offend you. I am simply stating the truth here about single women who poach married men in the workplace. For your friend to be so self centered and flippant about her behavior is disgusting.

    They are, in no way good and moral people with integrity and for heavens sake, just because she’s your friend that doesn’t mean she’s being honest with you about her feelings when it concerns her AP wife.
    After all, she doesn’t have a problem knowingly disrespecting and causing harm to another woman and her kids, so called compartmentalizing, why would you think she actually cares about you? She most likely is feeding your ego with what you want to hear just like she is doing to the cheater as she most likely doesn’t have many friends due to her life choices and actions and most would find her abhorrent to be around.

    I will never forget the day I called that woman up on the phone and asked her if she was screwing my husband. ” I miss my friend”. “He’s a good man”. “He loves his family, he would never do a thing like that”! Then when I threatened to report her to her superiors and to make a complaint against her with OPM, she bacame hysterical. All of a sudden she realized how important her job was and she didn’t miss him so much anymore.

    Pure and undulating selfishness. Sickening.

    Again no offense to you.

    Peace

  15. Too messed up December 21, 2018 at 4:23 pm #

    A woman would chase after a married man if she is also married and doesn’t want to leave her marriage. If both people are married then they are each less likely to tell the other one’s spouse or want something more permanent.
    And she may want to have an affair but still stay in her marriage because of the kids, or financial reasons, or may love her husband but want something more from life.
    Yes, I know this from personal experience. I went looking for a married man on one of those cheater web sites. But he approached me and would have ended up with someone else if not me, which I’m certain of not only because he has told me as much but because he’s been with several other women, the last one being for almost 4 years.
    But what you’re asking is why? I had a lovely life: in love with my husband of 35 years, two adult kids, a nice home, etc. About a year ago hubby got fired for watching porn at work and subsequently told me that he’s a sex addict, visits prostitutes on business trips and has had affairs. I don’t want to leave all other aspects of my lovely life but also don’t want to be with him. So an affair with a married man who also doesn’t want to leave his wife is my current solution.
    I know from my own pain how this could hurt his wife so I don’t want her to find out. He says that they haven’t had sex in over six years so he will keep cheating, if not with me then he’ll just find someone else.
    I feel like my life is a mess but that’s not why I’m writing here. Just trying to answer the question of why a woman would want a married man. For now it works for me.

    • Shifting Impressions December 21, 2018 at 7:24 pm #

      too messed up
      I am astonished that something that “works for you” is something that could cause someone else so much heart break. Just because he will find someone else if not you…..makes it okay?

      Of all the solutions….how can this “work for you”?? How do you sleep at night? All this so you can keep your “lovely life”.

    • Ironsides December 23, 2018 at 10:40 am #

      Too Messed Up.

      I’m also going to weigh in with some honesty that some may find uncomfortable, but I think that some of the most important things in life are honesty and kindness.

      First – you describe a very sad situation in your own marriage. I understand wanting to maintain the positive aspects of being married or at least sparing oneself the disaster that divorce can be personally and financially. But lets look at what your solution is. Dishonesty. You have made no equivocations that you are unhappy with the traditional ideas of marriage when it comes to your husband. Let’s try some honesty. I don’t think you said what your husband’s current behavior is. Is he remorseful? Has he worked on himself? Is he invested in the marriage now?

      No one is saying you are required to forgive. Its your prerogative to leave the marriage – he is the one who first invalidated his vows. That said you are now doing the same. You are the one lying to your husband. If sex with someone else is something that is enjoyable to you and you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, other than you are married, how about an honest conversation with your husband about this? You certainly would not be the first couple in the world with an arrangement because of a personal situation that seems untenable. Perhaps you can find something that as you said ‘works for you’ but is also an honest way of living.

      Second – this man you are seeing. Several things jump out. He SAYS his wife doesn’t have sex with him. You know for a fact that he is a liar. What incentive does he have to tell the truth to the woman who is giving him strings free sex? You are also denying his wife any say in the matter. You have taken from her the only thing a person really has in this world and that is agency in her own life. She has every right to an exclusive relationship with her husband. He is not living up to that and she is being denied the right to choose what to do with that. It is more wrong than you can even imagine. Does his wife not have a fundamental human right to decide under what circumstances she is willing to have sex with another? Her husband is having sex with someone else. His wife has the right to know that in order to make her own informed decision about her own body and heath. I don’t believe I am exaggerating in saying that this is indeed a form of rape. If she would not consent to sex with him under these conditions her body is being violated. And again – you have nothing but the word of a liar upon which to know what the case is.

      I don’t believe that adults doing things in their own private life in which all affected parties are aware of and consenting to the situation can be wrong. If everyone knows and agrees and is living their life the way they are choosing of their own free will, then its adults living their lives. Perhaps his wife would have been also be agreeable to a non exclusive sexual relationship. Who knows? But you and he never gave her that choice. Never showed her the basic courtesy of letting her decide.

      At the end of the day you and your AP are denying two other human beings their inalienable right of living a life in which they know the conditions in which they live. It is WRONG.

      Lastly, you say that he will cheat still if you weren’t in the picture. In no way whatsoever does that have anything to do with you. You have no responsibility to anything he chooses to do or not do. Not your circus. Not your monkey.

      Justification is a powerful thing, and is a big part of what got you here. It can get people into situations they never would have thought themselves capable of. It is the death of a frog being slowly boiled. The good news is that it is truly NEVER too late to begin living honestly and in the light. Monogamy and honesty are two very different things. Please do what’s right and find an honest solution that works for everyone.

      • Shifting Impressions December 23, 2018 at 1:39 pm #

        Ironsides…that was absolutely well said!!! I couldn’t agree more.

  16. Too messed up December 21, 2018 at 11:44 pm #

    I don’t sleep at night, I’m just trying to cope with a terrible situation. I hate either choice – to stay or get out of my marriage. So for now I have a distraction. And since I am also the BS I know how terrible I am, but at least I feel something other than dead inside

    • Shifting Impressions December 23, 2018 at 1:49 pm #

      Too messed up
      I think we all understand that dead feeling inside that comes with betrayal. I know we have all been brutally honest with you. It’s just that there are healthier and less destructive ways to get through the hell of infidelity!

      A “distraction” is a hobby, a new haircut or a good movie etc…..not an affair with a married man or anyone else for that matter.

      You deserve to be your best self….your children deserve for you to be your best self. I hope you seek help. I hope you can find a way to get off this path of self destruction.

  17. TryingHard December 21, 2018 at 11:46 pm #

    Too Messed Up—. You feel your life is messed up.?? lol. Feel no longer. I’ll validate you. Your life IS messed up. What a sad existence but it must work for you.

    Good luck to you and your h and marriage. You two sound perfect for each other

  18. Too messed up December 21, 2018 at 11:55 pm #

    TryingHard you’re right, my life is sad and pathetic but I have a plan to make it better, I just need to make sure my kids will be ok. Thanks

  19. bor December 22, 2018 at 12:59 pm #

    Too messed up, words to consider since you haven’t described your H as remorseful and or working on himself. For sure the AP doesn’t give two shits about you. You are the only one who can work on you. Get into therapy and work on yourself. If you have complaints and want to save the marriage for your kids sake then get into perhaps a marriage intensive like Affair recovery EMS weekend or beyond affairs runs. If your H isn’t doing his work then I suggest a temporary separation so either he wakes up and works on himself and comes back to the person you want him to be or you decide you have it so good separated that you divorce. The “A” will do nothing for your reality of problems or a way of solving them. You children will not respect you anymore and you will have set up a generation of dysfunction to bestow upon them to deal with. You want your kids to be ok then its time to adult. Take that plank out of your eye.

  20. just sayin December 22, 2018 at 6:48 pm #

    so so many of us betrayed wives ask “How could he do this?” Im sorry to be so blunt, but the answer is……Because they let that almighty thing between their legs lead them to blind temptation. And I believe that when the opportunity is right in front of them, they can’t even think about resisting….that woman in front of them is telling them that they are the greatest thing on this earth…better than anything they could imagine!

  21. Too messed up December 22, 2018 at 9:23 pm #

    Bor, thank you for the suggestions and for trying to help me find solutions.

  22. Soul mate December 23, 2018 at 8:30 am #

    Too messed up,

    Thank you for being honest with us. Now I would suggest that you give yourself the same.

    Take a really hard look at your life and take positive steps to fix your life and find true happiness. Be brave, not a coward.

    Right now, it sounds like your experience with your H has killed your self esteem and thrown you into an abyss of perpetual hell only now you are inflicting a huge amount of pain onto yourself for his behavior.

    Don’t you think anything would be better than living a lie? Allowing and or justifying disrepecting yourself and others will absolutely lead to self destruction.

    No excuse will justify the outcome.

    Free yourself from the abyss. Seek professional help before it’s to late and for heavens sake, break up with that slut of a man you call your AP and get to the Dr and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases which I’ll almost bet, you have.

    Peace.

  23. Peach December 23, 2018 at 2:31 pm #

    Can Everybody say EGO BOOST???
    Nuff, said.

  24. TryingHard December 23, 2018 at 4:00 pm #

    SI— that’s exactly right. Revenge affairs are paths to self destruction. It’s putting a bandaid on the hurt. Sometimes people take the attitude. Well someone did it to me so I’m going to do it to someone else. That idea is like biting your own nose to spite your face. And Karma is such a bitch.

    Time to look in the mirror and be the person you want to be. Not some cheating self sabotaging person Too Messed Up. I get why you do it but it’s wrong and you know it. Just stop

  25. Soul mate December 24, 2018 at 12:41 am #

    In the end, I beleive I will never see a true spouse poacher commenting on this sight.

    Why? Because they truly feel justified in what they do. They truly don’t care about the cheater or the cheaters family. In fact it’s all about them and who cares about his/her spouse or family. And why would they ever share their rotted feelings with those people they don’t give 2 shits about.

    The pure selfishness (aka compartmentalizing) in the act of self gratification at the expense of another is an act of the most degrading behavior one could bestow on oneself. It’s destructive, hateful, selfish, demoralizing and most of all dangerous.

    I know this one thing from what I’ve learned over these last few months. I don’t care who started it or what my husband said to her or did. He is here with me. And that bitch of a woman had better stay away from my H or she will regret it.

    Peace

    • Shifting Impressions December 24, 2018 at 12:40 pm #

      Soul Mate
      I guess the point is there will always be “poachers” out there. And yes they don’t give a shit about who it might hurt. It’s up to our partners to set boundaries so that a poacher doesn’t have a chance.

      Another thought…in my case the OW was married as well…..my husband obviously didn’t give a shit about him.

      I refuse to stand guard in case some one comes after my husband….it’s up to him. And when he failed, I put the blame squarely on his shoulders. It’s my job to set my boundaries so I’m not be swayed by someone else. The minute someone sits a little to close or something feels slightly off….it’s my job to keep the boundaries tight.

      Should the other woman come looking for him…..he’s the one that needs to shut it down. Should he fail….well than I would have to make some choices.

  26. Soul mate December 26, 2018 at 2:10 pm #

    Shifting Impressions,

    Yes, I mostly aggree with your post. It is/was my husband’s responsibility to shut down skanks. He and I have discussed this at length and he is the first one to take full responsibility for his actions. However, that OW made a huge mistake in attacking me behind my back no matter her reasons. And yes, I consider it an agressive attack, much like rape.

    Because I love my husband of 27 years, I will allow him redemption for his transgression. She will never have that! As I’ve made it very clear to her and him, his and her dirty little selfish behavior has been revealed and I’m no woman to mess with. She may or may not have given me and his family a second thought, but I gaurentee, she will from now on. And such confessions like she never meant to hurt anyone, she was bored, ect. is bogus unless she is a complete incompetent brainless slug, I cannot accept any of that as an excuse for causing so much pain to anyone much less myself.

    I have no problem being the “bitch of a wife” or “crazy wife”. As a matter of fact, I consider that a badge of honor. I’m not a door mat. Never have been. This experience never lowered my self esteem, never less of a woman, it only filled me with excruciating pain, shock and a rage I could hardly control. Only over the last 4 months has it started to die down and I feel like myself again.

    It has been 14 months since my husband called her to end it in front of me. I beleive my husband that she has not tried to contact him and that he “hates what he did and will never do it again” so no, I no longer feel the need to stalk his every move and I don’t stalk her.

    But like I said previously, as long as she stays away from what is mine, I’ll let it go, she can slink along and infwct someone else with her disease. However, if she ever rears her rotten disease carrying self into my life again, she will regret it.

  27. TryingHard December 27, 2018 at 7:58 pm #

    Soulmate. Right on girlfriend!!! I’m right there with you. I told the OW as much too. Lol i can’t believe i wasn’t arrested for threatening her. I didn’t have any f’s to give at that time. But it worked. Never heard a peep from her. I sent the warning shot loud and clear and that cockroach went running 😂

  28. Tryingtogetover December 31, 2018 at 9:32 am #

    Soul Mate, no offense taken! I and sure my friend is not the same woman, I think the coworker situation is just very common. I agree it is a parasitic, selfish relationship with a side of a lack of morals! And yet I know and love my friend who is an OW – I have know her longer than even my husband and she has been a rock for me. Humans are so complicated and she has all the daddy-issue problems that go hand-in-hand with befriending married men. Her own dad yanked her around emotionally, her own mom was with a married guy until he divorced and then their relationship eventually fizzled out anyway. I often look at all the crap people are handed as children and how that molds their idea of what is “normal.” Part of the reason I am fighting for my marriage is to not pass my kids the legacy of another messed-up marriage. All that said, I totally respect the people on these boards who have picked up and moved on happily. That is also a good model to show kids.

  29. Soul mate January 2, 2019 at 1:20 pm #

    Tryinghard,
    I have no regrets confronting the parasite. What these types of people need is confrontation. A show of strength and willingness to fight for ones self. Im glad I’m not the only BS that refused to let that slug slither away without giving it a good dousing of Raid!
    I also confronted my husband much the same way. From the very start, I made it very clear it was me or her. He needed to make his choice and stick to it or we were done. One chance. That’s it. I have a life to live, I have value and told him I wasn’t going to waste anymore of my time on someone who doesn’t value me. I am an attractive and successful woman. I would have no problem attracting other men and he knows it.

    What drove me nuts with him was the lieing about the events and his confession that he never meant to leave me and loved only me, yet he did what he did and that had me in an emotional trauma and a rage that was uncontrollable. The embarrassment and shame was all on him.
    Peace

  30. Soul mate January 2, 2019 at 3:02 pm #

    Hi TryingtoGetOver,
    If I had led my life and made choices, especially choices that hurt others, based on what my parents did, I would be in prison right now. I was an severely abused child who was removed from my biological parents because of thier sick behavior and abuse. And I refused to repeat thier behavior and have strived all of my life to be the exact opposite of both of them. If anything, you learn from thier mistakes and see and feel the pain they have caused. And you refuse to repeat them and you develop deep compassion for those they have hurt by thier actions, including yourself. And you get as far away from them as you can. One thing I remember and will never forget, my biological mother blaming her parents and the world for her actions. No excuse! People make choices. Own them! No one is to blame for your own choices.

    To many people use parental issues as a crutch to carry on behaviors of abuse of other human beings without any culpability for thier own actions. Your friend is an adult who lives in a world of human condition and she is educated. She knows exactly what she is doing and if she had any self respect and integrity or in the very least, compassion for others , she wouldn’t be doing what she is doing.

    She is lucky to have a friend like you who has known her for many years and is willing to make excuses for her behavior and continues to befriend her while she ruins other peoples lives, yet still trusts her enough to think she would never do anything against you to drag you down too.

    Hopefully, she at least values you enough to never betray you like she is doing to her APs wife.

    Choices people make in life are based on values they themselves decide to keep and uphold. The only one who is to blame for a persons behavior is ones self.

    Take Care and Happy New Year!

  31. Devistated wife January 14, 2019 at 11:33 am #

    My OW was my husband’s high school/college girlfriend. They were together about 3 or 4 years until she cheated on him. Apparently, he left and never looked back. She showed up (“accidentally” came into his place of work) a couple times a few years later and ended up spending the night with him. He says he never pursued a relationship with her again but was not in a committed relationship when she would show up, so “why not”…fast forward almost 30 years later, she sent him a friend request n FB and immediately followed up with a call. He had recently lost his job so was home all day pretty much alone. He says it “just took off” he can’t explain it. Says she was full of compliments and stories of his glory days. Telling him how much all the girls wanted him and recalling so many memories he had long forgotten when his parents were wealthy (as were hers) and they would travel around living the dream all teenagers would envy. My husband has always been a romantic, since the day we met…telling me I’m beautiful everyday of my life since. No matter how much weight I’ve gained or ugly I feel, he’s always told me how much he loves me. Guess he did the same for her all those years ago, just on a bigger scale. Money was no object. For either of them.
    In addition to losing his job, his grandmother had passed away. He’d been talking about going to visit her for months and we never made time to go…she was 92. Add years of him wanting more sex from me and telling me I made him feel like I wasn’t attracted to him. Even accusing me of having an affair. He said his work buddies told him if I wasn’t getting it from him, I was getting it somewhere else. Nice guys, I know. ANYWAY, just trying to give a little background….ironically, the weeks leading up to DDay, my H had gone back to work, 5 hours away this time and I had been working with a friend of mine (recently divorced because her husband cheated on her) most everyday. During the day, my husband would send me sweet text messages, saying I love you so much, I miss you so much, thinking about you, etc. He would call and I rarely answered the phone or the texts. Almost never did more than a love you too, miss you too or thumbs up. Usually sent a text letting him know I was busy. I felt guilty answering in front of her knowing what she was going through. It was all still very new for her. She told me how lucky I was and I should be grateful to be treated that way. I told her that talk was cheap. He was always very attentive but when it came to things that mattered like doing what he says he was going to do or taking care of family business that needed taking care of, it never happened. It was hard for me to be lovey Dovey when I didn’t feel like I was important for anything but sex and his ego. I told her I wasn’t sure if I would even care as I got a divorce and asked her to pray for me…2 days later, I found the phone records. It’s been over a year and a half now, He wrote her a long letter telling her that he felt she manipulated him into feeling sorry for her while stroking his ego. On the 1st call she told him, at the end of the call of course, that if he were to mention to his wife that she called him and it accidentally got back to her insanely jealous husband, he might “literally kill her” yes, she did. She told him her husband had always been crazy over the mere mention of his name. When they attended her sorority reunion, the reading from her yearbook mentioned my husband and her’s went into a rage and demanded they leave immediately. Blah, blah, blah. Even the restaurant where he once worked, and her favorite, of course, was a sore subject in their home. Every few calls, at first, he would tell her that if he could not tell me she was calling then she needed to start calling him. She would stop for a few days then called again claiming to have remembered some other story about how great our awesome he was back in the day or just to tell him that she needed to hear his voice because she was having a bad day. They began talking every day after that. He says he told her the whole time how much he loved me and that he would never cheat on me. He told her once that he thought what they were doing would be considered an affair since they were keeping it a secret from both of their spouses and she convinced him that as long as they were not being physical and they were only talking no one was going to get hurt. She told him how much she depended on their conversations. She told him how much she missed his kindness and his complements from all those years ago. She told him that her husband had not complemented her or told her that he loved her ever. She asked my husband to say I love you just so she could hear it. He agreed to do it but said it wasn’t real because he did not even know her. She told him she understood that it would just be nice to hear. She asked him if he would give her compliments. Then she started reminding him of sexual situations from their past. He said he told her it made him uncomfortable and I asked her not to talk about those things because he was happily married and it was inappropriate. He said she was very careful about inserting things like that into a conversation without blurting it out. He would make jokes about keeping it PG and things of that nature so as not to embarrass her. She even asked him if he would send her a sexual fantasy. Not a fantasy of her just a fantasy that he had. He said that he told her he wasn’t going to do that and she kept asking almost on a daily basis until he did. He said he copied something from YouTube Word for Word and send it in the form of a text but they did not discuss it. Then she started asking him to meet her in person. He did not do that either at first. Then after a couple of months he agreed to meet her in public and when he arrived she acted as though she was terrified. He said she was a nervous wreck looking all around talking under her breath. She left and then later called him and told him that she was so afraid and it had been a bad idea. Then she started asking him to meet with her again but this time, she asked if it could be at a hotel. She said that she knew the perfect place where she would be safe and she knew no one would ever see her. He tried to change it to a public place but eventually gave in to meet her at the hotel. They ended up meeting three different times at the hotel where nothing happened until the last time. He says she walked through the door and attacked him. He said the entire old ordeal lasted about 60 seconds at the most until he pushed himself away from her. She told him to lie back down and she would take care of everything herself she also told him that he knew that’s what he came for. He realized what he had done at that point and started to cry. He got up and left and told her that he had planned to tell me everything after that. He said the entire old ordeal lasted about 60 seconds at the most until he pushed himself away from her. He says they did not have sex. She told him to lie back down and she would take care of everything herself she also told him that he knew that’s what he came for. He realized what he had done at that point and started to cry. She began to shake violently placing her hand over her mouth and saying things like she could not believe she had read it so wrong. She could not believe that she had done something like that. He got up and left and told her that he had planned to tell me everything after that. Then she started calling him pretty much all hours of the day and night asking him if he had told me yet and telling him that she was going to tell her husband. She even told him that he should tell me she called and then plan a double date for the four of us to go out together. He told her he would never do that because that would make him some type of demon. She continued giving him ideas about the four of us getting together and he told her it was never going to happen. He said the only thing he could see was my face when she attacked him in the hotel. He also said it was that point he realized what she was doing all along and he could not believe he had fallen for it. He needed attention, he needed a friend, he said he had been feeling undesirable for a very long time and she boosted his ego and made him feel like a million bucks every day. He enjoyed the conversation and wanted to keep it going but when she started pressuring him for more he wanted out. He said the only reason he gave in to meeting her or sending the fantasy was because she kept asking and asking every day. He said she actually begged him to meet her at the last day when she attacked him and when he finally gave in and she told him she would leave her phone at home so if he changed his mind she would have no way of knowing he wasn’t coming. She even said she would wait there for days no matter how long it took for him to get there. I have all the text messages that were shared between the two of them and all the call logs. I will admit I haven’t had the need to go back and read the text messages because I really don’t want to know what was said between them. He knows that I have all the proof so I believe what he is telling me to be true. He called her immediately when I told him I I will admit I haven’t had the need to go back and read the text messages because I really don’t want to know what was said between them. He knows that I have all the proof so I believe what he is telling me to be true. He called her immediately when I told him I New about his affair. Each time he called she told him to wait a minute and let her call him back. She would tell him she was in the middle of something. Eventually, about two hours after finding out from Me that I knew, he called her one last time and told her he had promised me he would never talk to her again. He told her that if he could not reconcile with me that he would be alone for the rest of his life. She actually told him to give her a call later when things blow over. He repeated to her he promised me he would never talk to her again and hung up the phone. That is the last time they have had any communication. Since that day he has been extremely kind and attentive to my needs. When I ask questions in the beginning he got very defensive but says it was because of the shame. He is not the type of man that would do something like this. As I’m sure we all feel the same way about our spouses. He is a very kind, gentle soul and always has been when it comes to me. But he is also the type of person that wants to please everyone. He needs to be loved by everyone around him. He opens the door for everyone. He picks up something that someone else has dropped. He is always waiting on somebody or going out of his way to do something for someone. His parents never told him they were proud of him or they loved him and I believe that is why he’s always searching for that. I was very brokenhearted for a very long time but now I see what I did to open my marriage up for that type of thing to happen. I will never forgive myself for not being the wife that he needed me to be and not communicating like I should have. He says the same thing. He says the affair was the biggest regret of his life. He refused to call it an affair for a very long time. He said because he never crossed into a physical affair that it wasn’t really cheating but now he realizes that it was. He has worked very hard to show me that I am the most important thing in his life. He gave up his career and actually works with me every day now. I know this is kind of all over the place but please bear with me. I have been holding onto this letter he wrote the OW for a long time. It describes in detail their affair. How it started how it transformed into a relationship and how it ended. It also describes how he felt manipulated by her. It tells her not to ever contact him or any of his family again as she knows all of them. It tells her it was the biggest mistake of his life excepting her friend request and keeping it a secret from me. Says it was understood it was all fantasy and nothing real. Says he had no real feelings for her, was what he calls “emotional connection of some kind because of their past” but he sent her a plant after her requesting he send flowers. Then, said she dropped and broke it so he sent her another one. I saw the orders online…they were all the same thing. I believe she was stalking us on FB for a long time and was a jealous bitch. My husband swears he said nothing but good things about me as did she. She often complained about her husband to him, saying he was controlling, jealous, abusive, unkind and never gave her attention. Never gave her compliments or told her he loved her. She asked my husband to do those things for her, saying she understood fully they didn’t mean anything. They’d just be nice to hear. When he didn’t respond to her verbal sexual advances, she told him he must think she’s hideous or repulsive. She asked him to video chat with her as well, and he refused. I tell him it all sounds too good to be true…every BS’ dream affair…no sex, and nothing negative about his marriage…only telling his AF I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and had been attracted to me since the day we met. Imagine that! I try not to think about it because when I do, I convince myself it’s all a big lie, that he must’ve had sex with her. He even swears he was not attracted to her because “she wasn’t me” says he would think about me when sending her text messages, he was lonely and stupid. Once it all started, he couldn’t find a way to tell me them it was too late after taking so many calls. He knew I would never believe it was innocent until it wasn’t. I stay in a state of conflict. If it wasn’t for him constantly at my beck and call, I would be a basket case, I think.
    Should I send this letter to her? Will it start it all over again if I do? I really want her to know what he says he thinks of her….biggest issue I have is this-why would he allow this whore that broke his heart all those years ago be the one he chose to destroy our trust with??? Why???? I’m still in disbelief after 18 months. Has anyone else had this type of lost love affair situation?

    • Shifting Impressions January 15, 2019 at 7:35 pm #

      Devastated Wife
      I would refrain from sending such an inflammatory letter…not that she doesn’t deserve it, but you have no idea what it could unleash. She has complained about her husband being controlling and jealous and you have no way of knowing whether that is true or false. Should that letter fall into the wrong hands….who knows what the ramifications could be. You are dealing with someone who is unpredictable and unstable and who knows what she is capable of.

      Your husband is guilty of poor judgement and your relationship with him is what is important. No one can predict what the other woman would do should you send the letter.

  32. Soul Mate January 14, 2019 at 2:32 pm #

    Hi Devastated Wife,

    Most here and therapist would probably tell you not to engage with the AP, however for me I did and don’t regret it one day.

    I called her the minute I found out who she was and what she was doing. And yes I PROMISED her that if she continued to mess with what was mine that I would destroy her life.
    Yes, I answer the door with both barrels loaded when some creepy little disease decides to invade what is mine. And I will definitely use it.

    And I would have if not for my husbands reputation and the fact that he also called her, informed her I was conferenced in, and told her to bug off. That he never wanted to see or here from her again.

    5 months to the day I found out, I sent the skank a final email and told her what my husband thought of her, the things he expressed and said to me about her (absolute disgust, remorse, regret, total sickness in ever meeting her, that he never loved her and told her so, ect.). The story he told me about what happened. what he thought of her anatomy. I also told her how he had expressed his feelings (his remorse, guilt, enduring love, endless apologies) for me and that he held me close every night, all night crying and telling me over and over how much I was part of him, that I was his Soul Mate and he loved only me and how we had made mad passionate love many times over every since. I told her that I was a real person whom she attacked behind my back and I reminded her of who I was, the people who were my colleges and friends as I’m sure she knew already. In other words, I let her know she lost at the putrid game she was playing and would stand to lose more if she ever decided make that mistake again.

    I let her know that I could cause her reputation severe damage and cause her to lose her job and the prospects of ever working in that field again as well as on a social level, and that I was just that kind of Bitch that would do just that with absolutely no regrets. In fact I would look forward to it.

    The one thing I made clear to my H from the very first day (DDAY) was I was not going to waste my time competing with a low life. That I was worth way more then that. That my life is to short and I valued it, and I had plans to enjoy it with or without him. To make a choice and stick to it because he only had one chance. He immediately snapped out of it and made the call to her in front of me on his own volition. After the fact he expressed that he was relieved it was over, that he wanted me to know because he knew I would end it. That he had wanted it to be over for a long time but didn’t know how to end it. (?) Still a question in my mind. Why just not end it?

    He knew about the phone calls and he also knew about the email before I sent it and he actually proof read it and I let her know he did that as well in the email. That he agreed to every word I said and not to bother to call or text him or he would show it to me and I would be the one to answer her. We were a united front, bonded again and she could never break it. It wasn’t his choice whether I sent it or not and if he left, he left. I didn’t ask him if I could send the letter. I did however give him the cutesy of informing him.

    If my H did not work with the husband or her and would have been married, repercussions or not I would have sent her husband the texts they shared and the call logs the day I found them. And I would have let my H know that I was going to do or had done it. Her H has a right to know he is in danger and is being betrayed. He is a human being. And she needs to be revealed for the vile creature she is. That will most likely teach her a hard lesson and put her in the very same trauma you and your H are in now. Why not, she deserves it. That will keep her busy. Not telling you what to do. Your actions are completely on you. That is completely in your court. It’s just what I would have done if my H AP was married.

    My point here is, what is your goal in telling her those things If you are not going to back it up with absolute repercussions if she ever rears her ugly head around your H again? She will never believe you and you most likely will receive back her side of the story which will be packed with lies that will hurt you and your H healing even more.

    It may be better to let sleeping “dogs” lie in their own excrement if you are not willing to use what you have in your arsenal to fight back.

    I guess the difference between me and some betrayed wives is I had no fear of my husband leaving, I trusted my husband that he wanted to stay with me and that he was on my side, was remorseful for what he did and he was going to stay at my side. I never for one minute questioned his love for me. In a lot of ways, for me that email was a test of his sincerity. His commitment to me and his willingness to do whatever it takes to make up for his betrayal. I was willing to risk our marriage for truths, trust and loyalty. If he failed, then our marriage would have been over, and he knew it.

    Peace

  33. Tryingtogetover January 14, 2019 at 3:55 pm #

    I have written a letter to my husband’s AP but never sent it, it sits in my email ready to fire off if she ever makes the mistake of rearing her ugly head. But in the meantime I am following the advice from most posters here and not giving her the attention she craves. I worry that she will lap up any attention related to us, even negative attention…like me reaching out will make her feel she is a huge part of his life story. F that. I want her to know she is nothing. So I sit on the letter. But Devastated Wife, you obviously have a lot to get off your chest, so maybe send something? I like the idea from Soul Mate to show your husband and have his seal of approval as a united front.

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