An affair survivor confides in some friends who are cheaters and gets inside the mind of the other woman.
by ‘TryingToGetOver’
There are two people in this world who I told about my husband’s affair. And they are both cheaters themselves.
Why would I tell them, of all people? Well…because I trusted that they could help me understand. I needed to know how HE could do this, but even more, I needed to know how SHE could try and break up our family.
I needed to get inside the mind of the other woman (OW).
If affairs are common (and duh, they are) then OWs are common—and we know them. They are not demons. Well, maybe a little bit. Mostly they are self-centered and short-sighted during the affair.
Here Are a Few Reasons the OW Does What She Does…
Please chime in with your own thoughts, these are just mine!
BOREDOM
In many cases of workplace affairs, I don’t think the two people would even glance at each other had they not been thrown together some 8 hours a day. But when people spend most of their waking hours with coworkers, it stands to reason that feelings might flare up because of proximity and, frankly, boredom.
My best friend (and first person I confided in) has what I could kindly describe as a “work husband” who is someone else’s actual husband. And I believe my best friend has done her best to make it something more. Why? It gives her a reason to look forward to going to work. She feels so happy to have a “friend.”
She knows it’s shady. She counts on him to set boundaries, which she respects. I believe she staunchly refuses to think about his wife, a compartmentalizing trick critical for any affair. (And so important for us who have been cheated on to remember: It isn’t about us. Sadly, no one is thinking about us.) The flirting keeps her work life interesting.
She doesn’t want a husband, she’d rather die than be a stepmom, she refuses to use dating apps and has no interest in available men because she loves the freedom of being single and, at 49, is past wanting kids. She likes having this guy to dress for and talk to. I am not justifying this, just putting it out there because even if I disapprove, I know her well enough to understand her psychology.
BTW her words of comfort to me post DDay were helpful: She said, “You don’t even realize that she can’t compete with you. You’re the mother of his children. You’re his family. She can’t catch up to the 20 years you have together.” All true.
Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings. They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.
FLATTERY
On the other end of the spectrum is my workout buddy. I did not confide in her, but I learn a lot from her. She does not pursue other people’s guys, yet she’s been pursued by two of them, relentlessly. With one she got drunk, caved and slept with him, ruining the friendship she had with his wife. With the other, she has set boundaries, though IMO not nearly to the extent that she should. Her attitude is one of wonder and flattery.
When she meets men on dating apps, she has to try so hard to be appealing. But these married friends fall all over her, and she is just amazed. She knows it’s wrong and has asked me many times, “What should I do?” My answer is always some variation of “Tell him to f-ck off,” but she insists that’s too drastic, that she must hope he snaps out of it. She doesn’t want any couple to divorce. And so around it goes.
DELUSION
This is a variation of boredom, and one that works best with some physical separation. In the case of my husband’s AP, she came up with this entire, second reality where she and my husband were a unit separate from the world. She didn’t want to leave her husband. My husband was adamant that he wouldn’t leave me. So they had a secret shadow life that was mostly virtual, so easy in this day of texts/chats/etc.
For her it was a balm during long, boring days as a housewife with only one child and a traveling husband. The delusion is apparently thrilling, and from what I understand actually being together is only a kick because it is short and temporary and secret. The “drug” becomes planning to see each other again, but there is little real-life connection and the relationship can’t sustain if the curtain is pulled back.
FINANCIAL NEED
There is a whole subset of affairs where a woman is financially supported by a married man. The other friend I confided in put herself there, reasoning that the man was separated so it didn’t really count as being an OW.
She was divorced and living on the edge with her kids at the time, so this still-married guy was comforting, bought her great dinners, flew her away on a short vacation, helped her pay her rent once or twice, and otherwise kept her going. I’m sure it’s not an episode of life that she’s proud of. And most of us don’t have husbands who can afford to support multiple households! But in this case, too, I can understand even if I don’t approve.
LOVE
I also know married people who divorced and took up with their APs, forming new marriages. Statistics show us these rarely last, but I know at least one that did. It’s just important to know that this is a rare unicorn. People who don’t have the decency to divorce and then court another person are going to continue to have relationship struggles.
Mostly what I conclude is this: The OW is not chasing a married guy in order to hurt his wife. I think that is nowhere on her mind. Those of us who have been betrayed are the victims, but the unintended victims while our partners and their APs live out an ultimately sad and doomed self-centered storyline. They are living lies and deluding themselves and firmly shutting out thoughts about how hurtful they are being.
But tell me, what you think, are there other reasons that a woman would chase after a married man?
(Thanks so much to ‘TryingToGetOver’ for sharing her experiences with us – again. We love to share articles from our readers. So if you’d like to submit an article for us to possibly post on the blog, feel free to contact us about your ideas.)
Photo: mitramirae
Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings. They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.
78 replies to "Trying to Get Inside the Mind of the Other Woman – 5 Reasons the OW Does What She Does"
Good article.
There are many reasons, of course. Behind it all, there is selfishness. “I want what I want,” although he/she might not say it that way. Behind every affair, I think, is that a person puts their own desire (not necessarily sexual, but desire for something) ahead of their partner. Even if he/she thinks they will get away with it, it is all about ME, which is not how their own relationship should be functioning.
Just a few thoughts that are not terribly profound.
Hope this time of year is happy for anybody reading this.
In our case, I think the OW is a sociopath. At least that’s the opinion of our two trained counselors! In her childhood, daddy dearest had a long term affair he refused to give up, her mother stayed in the marriage and became an alcoholic. She then grew up and developed a pattern of pursuing married men 10+ years her senior. She had a long time boyfriend who was 21 years her senior at the time of the affair.
During an angst-ridden conversation, when my husband told her he couldn’t believe how he could ever have become a cheater, she told him she had “fished for him” for a long time, and had “pursued him aggressively” long before he was even aware of her intentions. She seemed actually proud of her conquest (daddy issues anyone?). Personally “catching” the slow moving, dim-witted, middle aged land mammal known as a cheater, doesn’t seem like much of a prize!!
She terrorized us for several years after the affair was over and showed herself to be a genuine bunny boiler. Lucky me.
Wow! I’m going through the same thing as you now!
All I can think is that these ow have serious issues of some form or another. I know I will never understand it and I feel there is no reason or excuse. Exercise Grace my husband had two ow. One was more of a one night stand. The other one pursued him for years. She would beg people for his phone number and track him down and show up wherever he was. I mean that is crazy. This woman has kids and a job. Who has time for that unless you are mentally unstable. And my guess is they would have excuses just like my husband did for years. All they can do is justify why they are doing something that everyone knows is wrong. The only reason is if a man lies and does not disclose they are married. That would be the only defense.
I had a former employee who was trying to get my attention through my work email. I took the professional route first in dealing with him asking if there was something he needed regarding his employment or his pay. That didn’t work. He continued to pursue. I ignored him. That didn’t work. Finally i sent a terse email stating very clearly that i was neither interested nor flattered by his emails and he should stop it right away. That shut him down. This guy was easily 30 years younger, had two small children and no job. Ah yeah how do i jump all over that hot mess??? No thanks.
That’s how you shut down MM or MW who pursue you. Funny thing was other people including my h thought i should be flattered this guy was making a pass at me. I wasn’t.
In fact no your friends did NOT place boundaries or did much to tell these men no. They liked it and actually let them chase them knowing men love the hunt!
I’ve read many OW sites. Getting into their little pea brains is not difficult. They drink the kool aid of the wife is frigid, she ignores him, they have separate lives etc all to justify their actions. Most intriguing to me is how they romanticize the affair. Two star crossed lovers kept from each other because the MM is too “honorable” to leave the wife. So weird and sophomoric.
These OW are disordered people. Yes most are to some degree sociopaths. My therapist diagnosed my hs OW as a sociopath as well. She too had a very sad life growing up. Well lots of people suffer sad childhoods and don’t have affairs with MM. no in fact these women justify their behavior with the excuses your friends gave you Trying.
I’m sorry your two good friends are such disordered people. I’m sorry they are still in your life during this difficult time you’re going through.
It’s a shock when one finds out their friends have no moral compass and are doing dispicable things. I had a friend whom i thought had been cheating prior to my discovery of my husbands infidelity. My pain and struggle was too much for her because she saw what she was doing to her AP wife. We drifted apart. And I’m ok with it now. She’s not who i thought she was. Good riddance.
These OW are disordered and entitled people. Some even get off on thinking they are pulling something over on another woman who they know are better than them at most every level
I’m happy you got some solace from their advice. I’m thinking they meant well and were trying to help you. But in the end they could not care less who they hurt. Hopefully them seeing your hurt and anger will motivate them to stop seeing their married affair partners.
Si after i wrote this comment i read a Newsweek article where Marla Maples says she never saw herself as Donald’s mistress. Seriously read it. This is what’s in the mind of OW. She even uses the word Divinity in her statement. Because yeah nothing says Christian values like having sex with a MM ?!?????. I’m thinking Ivana has a different opinion of her
They are disordered delusional women. Bless their stupid little hearts
Will we ever really know why they do what they do? They do it because they can!!! Which begs me to ask the more difficult question…why did my husband let them?? He is not a stupid man…far from it. And yet he didn’t shut it down…or better yet never started it in the first place.
Why does anyone take what doesn’t belong to them?? For me the more haunting question is why did my husband give away something that belonged to me? And I have a hard time buying how these poor guys are hoodwinked by these predators. What lies did they feed to the OW? Oh so much easier for us to vilify only the OW. Our partners were not innocent. They could have shut it down as Trying Hard did with her unwanted suitor.
I will never really know the motive behind the OW’s actions in my own situation but I have not lost a lot of sleep over that. My husband opened the door and let her in…..that’s what haunts me.
SI- agree totally. You’re damn right he could have shut her down. He sure doesn’t mind telling me no. Honestly I’ve stopped thinking about what the OW thought a longgg time ago as well. She took up way too much space in my head for too long as it is. Yes it’s so easy to villify that harlot ????.
Trying Hard
I think sometimes it’s easier for people to direct their rage at the OW/OM than at their partner. There will always be opportunities to cheat and betray…it’s up to us to ensure that we don’t. Unfortunately our partners didn’t protect the marriage and honor their vows to us.
“The devil made me do it” mentality just doesn’t fly with me. Or I just coudn’t shut it down because I would hurt her feelings type thinking. What about hurting my feelings??
Alright I will stop my rant now!! I think by vilifying the OW/OM it can be tempting to take the focus off the responsibility of our partners.
This assumes the AP is the one who initiated the affair.
If it’s the married person who chases the OM or OM – then what? I agree it is still on the cheating spouse to put a stop to it.
But I wonder how many people start Affairs thinking the affair partner is single or separated and available?
Anon-yes you are correct. And I wasn’t thinking it. I was told, ‘it”. The hurt to this widow, who wanted to love someone was and still is enormous. And when I learned the truth I informed this cheater’s partner. I found out much-that he had been a cheater on his wife who he had been married to twice and cheated on her in both marriages. Then he took up with a married woman and lived with her for 5 years before her husband died, having advised her to milk along the marriage so she could inherit everything-he had the professional designation as a Divorce Planner along with his Stock Broker’s license. And while maintaining a live-in relationship with that woman started cheating on her with me. And never told me. It was not affair to me. I felt happy again for the first time since my husband had died. And when I found out that he lived with a woman and asked why he didn’t tell me, his first words to me were, “I was going to tell you at the appropriate time.” Imagine that. Analyze that, please. And then he added, “I love her and I am never leaving her.”
In our case the OW was a sociopath who worked with my husband. She became friends with us both and infiltrated our lives on a regular basis. My husband and I have been together since we were in school and he’d never been with anyone else. He’s the least flirty guy ever and a real family man. He’s been a devoted husband and father. Our therapist says that she was jealous of our life and how great a husband I had and wanted it for herself. She imitated our lives to the extent that she copied pet names, decor items and furniture placement, wall art by our favourite artists, liked the same music we did, planted the exact same things in the garden we did, same crockery, bedding …. She even had breast implants as she was flat chested and I’m not. Our therapist said she was a sociopath and was trying to turn herself into the kind of person my husband was clearly attracted to but it was just an illusion. She never had that man. She relentlessly pursued him right under my nose. He ignored it as she’s the flirtiest person ever but was like that with everyone so didn’t think she was after him. She made a very obvious pass at him in work – pressed herself up against him, pressed her rear into his groin and lifted up her skirt! She admits she did all the chasing and believes he was never looking for an affair. They never dated or bought each other gifts – just had casual sex at the office now and again usually standing up from behind. The therapist says very few women would want anything so unromantic. He believed she wanted control and to hold something over us both while still being in our lives. My husband was a fool and we’re working hard to get over what he did. He’s having therapy and we’ve never been so connected. We’re both changing and growing. It’s going to be a long process and I have dark days but I know we’ll get there. I know he made his choices but I have a lot of hatred for her as she clearly set out to get him and stopped at nothing.
In our case the OW was a sociopath who worked with my husband. She became friends with us both and infiltrated our lives on a regular basis. My husband and I have been together since we were in school and he’d never been with anyone else. He’s the least flirty guy ever and a real family man. He’s been a devoted husband and father. Our therapist says that she was jealous of our life and how great a husband I had and wanted it for herself. She imitated our lives to the extent that she copied pet names, decor items and furniture placement, wall art by our favourite artists, liked the same music we did, planted the exact same things in the garden we did, same crockery, bedding …. She even had breast implants as she was flat chested and I’m not. Our therapist said she was a sociopath and was trying to turn herself into the kind of person my husband was clearly attracted to but it was just an illusion. She never had that man. She relentlessly pursued him right under my nose. He ignored it as she’s the flirtiest person ever but was like that with everyone so didn’t think she was after him. She made a very obvious pass at him in work – pressed herself up against him, pressed her rear into his groin and lifted up her skirt! She admits she did all the chasing and believes he was never looking for an affair. They never dated or bought each other gifts – just had casual sex at the office now and again usually standing up from behind. The therapist says very few women would want anything so unromantic. He believed she wanted control and to hold something over us both while still being in our lives. My husband was a fool and we’re working hard to get over what he did. He’s having therapy and we’ve never been so connected. We’re both changing and growing. It’s going to be a long process and I have dark days but I know we’ll get there. I know he made his choices but I have a lot of hatred for her as she clearly set out to get him and stopped at nothing. I’ve realised with all the reading and therapy that there are a lot of troubled unhappy women out there who think nothing of going after someone else’s husband! My eyes have been opened!
Doing Our Best
I get that there are people that go after another person’s husband or wife. But there is a progression to these things. Someone’s hand lingers to long. Someone sits to close. Someone flirts a little to much. That’s when our partners need to to say that a line is being crossed.
It’s a little late when someone is lifting their skirt and pressing into your husband’s groin. If all the things that came before didn’t make him run…surely that should have. That was quite a choice he made to accommodate that lifted skirt.
I agree with Shifting Impressions. The OW/OM did not make promises & take vows with the betrayed spouse; their spouses did!
My wife and her AP were both in the mindset that “this is just how marriage is. It won’t make all my happiness, so I’m gonna find something to make me happy. Something ‘fun’. Something ‘just for me’. Primary justification was that I (and OBS) would never know, so it would not have any downsides. Wouldn’t hurt a person that they legitimately cared about. So that meant no consequences. So why not? There’s no downside. And with all of the self centeredness they don’t think it makes them a ‘bad person’ because well ‘I’m not a bad person’. So why not?
Somebody kissing your ass and telling you how amazing and sexy you are non stop?
Sex that is exhilarating?
Feeling powerful?
I get the appeal of these things. Only problem is they aren’t real. They are a fantasy. And I supposed I’ve just been better equipped to live in the real world than either of them. Also loyalty is something that I don’t think that either of them really thought much about. To me it is everything. It is one of the things that defines me.
My husband is divorcing me for the OW. We’ve been together for a decade, they’ve been together for a whopping 8 months. I believe she chased him due to his position at work and his income. They also go on lavish vacations and I’m sure he flies her on business trips with him. They’ve actually traveled more in 8 months than I have with my husband in years. I think all she sees is $$$.
The OW contacted me to say I was a looser, I need to get a life, I should move out of the house already and so on. I didn’t respond. It’s mind boggling how some OW are so nasty to the wife. Hello, you’re sleeping with MY husband yet you think I’m a looser? It’s amazing how badly she wants me out of his life so she can take over my life.
My husband still denies the affair, even though I have solid proof. He hasn’t shown any remorse and never apologized for the devastation he has caused. I honestly do not know who is anymore.
I have enough dignity and self respect…my house is packed up and I’m moving out in a week. I just wonder how the OW will like flying coach and staying in 2 star hotels because my husband will be paying me a sh*t load of alimony. Ahhhh karma, I do love you!
Over it…Did you follow through with moving out? I bet your husband will hate himself pretty soon after that…she probably doesn’t give him the opportunity to think about it much right now. GET YOURSELF A MAN. Someone just for show, that will go along with it, make sure your husband sees you with him. Much younger, preferably. Sometimes it takes something shocking to wake them up. That is, if you want to work things out. If not, get 2 younger men, lol. You will be in my prayers.
Shifting Impressions
These are just a few Bible verses warning men of adulteress women:
Proverbs….53 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil;4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. 6 She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. 7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. 12 You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors. 14 And I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people.” 15 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. 16 Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? 17 Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. 18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. 20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? 21 For your ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all your paths. 22 The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast.
I don’t blame anyone but my husband for what he did. I blame the WHORE for relentlessly pursuing him. You said your OW was more subtle…this woman was extremely subtle, as well. The things she said were inserted with precision into conversations then she would apologize for having said them. Always praising our marriage, even giving him advice as to things he might do to keep the spark in our marriage, from a woman’s perspective. Complimenting everything about him along the way… From a dear old friend just looking out for his best interest. Then, later, asking for compliments and flattery in return. Saying she understood it wasn’t real. She just wanted to hear someone say it to her because she was so lonely and unappreciated. Her husband would “literally kill her” if he accidentally found out she had called him. My H did tell her to stop calling if he couldn’t tell me, several times, but as I said before, he was enjoying the ego boost and when she called with her lips dripping honey…he listened. She said things much like others have experienced here…we aren’t hurting anyone, if she doesn’t know she won’t get hurt (me). She convinced him he was helping her so much so the small trade-off of lying to me wasn’t that big a deal since I didn’t know. Same with her husband. My H was so convinced hers was such a jerk, he never thought about hurting him.
He punishes himself more than I ever could. Blames himself, is ashamed of himself. Constantly trying to make up for it nearly 2 years later. I love my H so it hurts me to see him in so much pain. Hopefully your H is working hard to earn your trust if you decided to stay. These men and women are our spouses and deserve forgiveness. The OM and OW, unless they were unaware of the marriage should have the FEAR OF GOD in them to the point they will never go near another person’s spouse again. Our lives are not a game for them to play with. If they don’t get it from us, then who?? Just wait around to hear about another marriage possibly destroyed for their entertainment? I don’t think so. They should be exposed to the light of day for who they are.
Hi TryingtoGetOver,
Your best friend could be my h parasite.
She being 49, single and a coworker. No kids, well, accept the one she gave up.
Calling her host “a friend” makes me wonder whether your friend is her. And this whole new name (work wife) for a skank who poaches married men because they don’t want to be tied down is bogus. Bored and want to flirt, join a dating app for singles. People need to stop trying to dress up / sugar coat a pig with names like that to make them look more acceptable to tolerate. I legally am attached to my h. I have spent 27 years raising his kids, cleaning his house, doing his laundrey, cooking, hosting parties, working full time, healing him in sickness, supporting him through his bad times and making love to him. I AM HIS WIFE. Frankly, It is a total lack of respect for us wives to hear an AP called that. There is no such thing as a work wife period! They are what they are period! Parasites who latch on to thier host and drain them of all thier time and attention.
I in no way mean to offend you. I am simply stating the truth here about single women who poach married men in the workplace. For your friend to be so self centered and flippant about her behavior is disgusting.
They are, in no way good and moral people with integrity and for heavens sake, just because she’s your friend that doesn’t mean she’s being honest with you about her feelings when it concerns her AP wife.
After all, she doesn’t have a problem knowingly disrespecting and causing harm to another woman and her kids, so called compartmentalizing, why would you think she actually cares about you? She most likely is feeding your ego with what you want to hear just like she is doing to the cheater as she most likely doesn’t have many friends due to her life choices and actions and most would find her abhorrent to be around.
I will never forget the day I called that woman up on the phone and asked her if she was screwing my husband. ” I miss my friend”. “He’s a good man”. “He loves his family, he would never do a thing like that”! Then when I threatened to report her to her superiors and to make a complaint against her with OPM, she bacame hysterical. All of a sudden she realized how important her job was and she didn’t miss him so much anymore.
Pure and undulating selfishness. Sickening.
Again no offense to you.
Peace
A woman would chase after a married man if she is also married and doesn’t want to leave her marriage. If both people are married then they are each less likely to tell the other one’s spouse or want something more permanent.
And she may want to have an affair but still stay in her marriage because of the kids, or financial reasons, or may love her husband but want something more from life.
Yes, I know this from personal experience. I went looking for a married man on one of those cheater web sites. But he approached me and would have ended up with someone else if not me, which I’m certain of not only because he has told me as much but because he’s been with several other women, the last one being for almost 4 years.
But what you’re asking is why? I had a lovely life: in love with my husband of 35 years, two adult kids, a nice home, etc. About a year ago hubby got fired for watching porn at work and subsequently told me that he’s a sex addict, visits prostitutes on business trips and has had affairs. I don’t want to leave all other aspects of my lovely life but also don’t want to be with him. So an affair with a married man who also doesn’t want to leave his wife is my current solution.
I know from my own pain how this could hurt his wife so I don’t want her to find out. He says that they haven’t had sex in over six years so he will keep cheating, if not with me then he’ll just find someone else.
I feel like my life is a mess but that’s not why I’m writing here. Just trying to answer the question of why a woman would want a married man. For now it works for me.
too messed up
I am astonished that something that “works for you” is something that could cause someone else so much heart break. Just because he will find someone else if not you…..makes it okay?
Of all the solutions….how can this “work for you”?? How do you sleep at night? All this so you can keep your “lovely life”.
Too Messed Up.
I’m also going to weigh in with some honesty that some may find uncomfortable, but I think that some of the most important things in life are honesty and kindness.
First – you describe a very sad situation in your own marriage. I understand wanting to maintain the positive aspects of being married or at least sparing oneself the disaster that divorce can be personally and financially. But lets look at what your solution is. Dishonesty. You have made no equivocations that you are unhappy with the traditional ideas of marriage when it comes to your husband. Let’s try some honesty. I don’t think you said what your husband’s current behavior is. Is he remorseful? Has he worked on himself? Is he invested in the marriage now?
No one is saying you are required to forgive. Its your prerogative to leave the marriage – he is the one who first invalidated his vows. That said you are now doing the same. You are the one lying to your husband. If sex with someone else is something that is enjoyable to you and you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, other than you are married, how about an honest conversation with your husband about this? You certainly would not be the first couple in the world with an arrangement because of a personal situation that seems untenable. Perhaps you can find something that as you said ‘works for you’ but is also an honest way of living.
Second – this man you are seeing. Several things jump out. He SAYS his wife doesn’t have sex with him. You know for a fact that he is a liar. What incentive does he have to tell the truth to the woman who is giving him strings free sex? You are also denying his wife any say in the matter. You have taken from her the only thing a person really has in this world and that is agency in her own life. She has every right to an exclusive relationship with her husband. He is not living up to that and she is being denied the right to choose what to do with that. It is more wrong than you can even imagine. Does his wife not have a fundamental human right to decide under what circumstances she is willing to have sex with another? Her husband is having sex with someone else. His wife has the right to know that in order to make her own informed decision about her own body and heath. I don’t believe I am exaggerating in saying that this is indeed a form of rape. If she would not consent to sex with him under these conditions her body is being violated. And again – you have nothing but the word of a liar upon which to know what the case is.
I don’t believe that adults doing things in their own private life in which all affected parties are aware of and consenting to the situation can be wrong. If everyone knows and agrees and is living their life the way they are choosing of their own free will, then its adults living their lives. Perhaps his wife would have been also be agreeable to a non exclusive sexual relationship. Who knows? But you and he never gave her that choice. Never showed her the basic courtesy of letting her decide.
At the end of the day you and your AP are denying two other human beings their inalienable right of living a life in which they know the conditions in which they live. It is WRONG.
Lastly, you say that he will cheat still if you weren’t in the picture. In no way whatsoever does that have anything to do with you. You have no responsibility to anything he chooses to do or not do. Not your circus. Not your monkey.
Justification is a powerful thing, and is a big part of what got you here. It can get people into situations they never would have thought themselves capable of. It is the death of a frog being slowly boiled. The good news is that it is truly NEVER too late to begin living honestly and in the light. Monogamy and honesty are two very different things. Please do what’s right and find an honest solution that works for everyone.
Ironsides…that was absolutely well said!!! I couldn’t agree more.
I don’t sleep at night, I’m just trying to cope with a terrible situation. I hate either choice – to stay or get out of my marriage. So for now I have a distraction. And since I am also the BS I know how terrible I am, but at least I feel something other than dead inside
Too messed up
I think we all understand that dead feeling inside that comes with betrayal. I know we have all been brutally honest with you. It’s just that there are healthier and less destructive ways to get through the hell of infidelity!
A “distraction” is a hobby, a new haircut or a good movie etc…..not an affair with a married man or anyone else for that matter.
You deserve to be your best self….your children deserve for you to be your best self. I hope you seek help. I hope you can find a way to get off this path of self destruction.
Too messed up
…ARE YOU SERIOUS?? It is obvious you have no remorse for what you are doing. You and you alone have to live with your choices. You don’t sleep at night because you are trying not to think about the woman married to the man you’re screwing. Your “lovely life” will come crashing down on you as you will reap what you sew. We all will. If you are prepared to live with this and die with this, then keep it up. We all face judgement day in the end. I’m struggling to forgive the OW in my situation. I will face the choices surrounding that, as well. I think you need to take a long look in the mirror. Maybe you are way more self centered and selfish than you think. Maybe the humiliation of your husband’s actions caused it. Who knows, but don’t hate yourself later for your selfishness now. You surely will if you continue down this path of self loathing. Just saying. I’ll be praying for you all. And again, most of us are members of a club that was forced on us. You joined willingly.
Too Messed Up—. You feel your life is messed up.?? lol. Feel no longer. I’ll validate you. Your life IS messed up. What a sad existence but it must work for you.
Good luck to you and your h and marriage. You two sound perfect for each other
TryingHard you’re right, my life is sad and pathetic but I have a plan to make it better, I just need to make sure my kids will be ok. Thanks
Too messed up, words to consider since you haven’t described your H as remorseful and or working on himself. For sure the AP doesn’t give two shits about you. You are the only one who can work on you. Get into therapy and work on yourself. If you have complaints and want to save the marriage for your kids sake then get into perhaps a marriage intensive like Affair recovery EMS weekend or beyond affairs runs. If your H isn’t doing his work then I suggest a temporary separation so either he wakes up and works on himself and comes back to the person you want him to be or you decide you have it so good separated that you divorce. The “A” will do nothing for your reality of problems or a way of solving them. You children will not respect you anymore and you will have set up a generation of dysfunction to bestow upon them to deal with. You want your kids to be ok then its time to adult. Take that plank out of your eye.
so so many of us betrayed wives ask “How could he do this?” Im sorry to be so blunt, but the answer is……Because they let that almighty thing between their legs lead them to blind temptation. And I believe that when the opportunity is right in front of them, they can’t even think about resisting….that woman in front of them is telling them that they are the greatest thing on this earth…better than anything they could imagine!
Bor, thank you for the suggestions and for trying to help me find solutions.
Too messed up,
Thank you for being honest with us. Now I would suggest that you give yourself the same.
Take a really hard look at your life and take positive steps to fix your life and find true happiness. Be brave, not a coward.
Right now, it sounds like your experience with your H has killed your self esteem and thrown you into an abyss of perpetual hell only now you are inflicting a huge amount of pain onto yourself for his behavior.
Don’t you think anything would be better than living a lie? Allowing and or justifying disrepecting yourself and others will absolutely lead to self destruction.
No excuse will justify the outcome.
Free yourself from the abyss. Seek professional help before it’s to late and for heavens sake, break up with that slut of a man you call your AP and get to the Dr and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases which I’ll almost bet, you have.
Peace.
Can Everybody say EGO BOOST???
Nuff, said.
SI— that’s exactly right. Revenge affairs are paths to self destruction. It’s putting a bandaid on the hurt. Sometimes people take the attitude. Well someone did it to me so I’m going to do it to someone else. That idea is like biting your own nose to spite your face. And Karma is such a bitch.
Time to look in the mirror and be the person you want to be. Not some cheating self sabotaging person Too Messed Up. I get why you do it but it’s wrong and you know it. Just stop
In the end, I beleive I will never see a true spouse poacher commenting on this sight.
Why? Because they truly feel justified in what they do. They truly don’t care about the cheater or the cheaters family. In fact it’s all about them and who cares about his/her spouse or family. And why would they ever share their rotted feelings with those people they don’t give 2 shits about.
The pure selfishness (aka compartmentalizing) in the act of self gratification at the expense of another is an act of the most degrading behavior one could bestow on oneself. It’s destructive, hateful, selfish, demoralizing and most of all dangerous.
I know this one thing from what I’ve learned over these last few months. I don’t care who started it or what my husband said to her or did. He is here with me. And that bitch of a woman had better stay away from my H or she will regret it.
Peace
Soul Mate
I guess the point is there will always be “poachers” out there. And yes they don’t give a shit about who it might hurt. It’s up to our partners to set boundaries so that a poacher doesn’t have a chance.
Another thought…in my case the OW was married as well…..my husband obviously didn’t give a shit about him.
I refuse to stand guard in case some one comes after my husband….it’s up to him. And when he failed, I put the blame squarely on his shoulders. It’s my job to set my boundaries so I’m not be swayed by someone else. The minute someone sits a little to close or something feels slightly off….it’s my job to keep the boundaries tight.
Should the other woman come looking for him…..he’s the one that needs to shut it down. Should he fail….well than I would have to make some choices.
Shifting Impressions,
Yes, I mostly aggree with your post. It is/was my husband’s responsibility to shut down skanks. He and I have discussed this at length and he is the first one to take full responsibility for his actions. However, that OW made a huge mistake in attacking me behind my back no matter her reasons. And yes, I consider it an agressive attack, much like rape.
Because I love my husband of 27 years, I will allow him redemption for his transgression. She will never have that! As I’ve made it very clear to her and him, his and her dirty little selfish behavior has been revealed and I’m no woman to mess with. She may or may not have given me and his family a second thought, but I gaurentee, she will from now on. And such confessions like she never meant to hurt anyone, she was bored, ect. is bogus unless she is a complete incompetent brainless slug, I cannot accept any of that as an excuse for causing so much pain to anyone much less myself.
I have no problem being the “bitch of a wife” or “crazy wife”. As a matter of fact, I consider that a badge of honor. I’m not a door mat. Never have been. This experience never lowered my self esteem, never less of a woman, it only filled me with excruciating pain, shock and a rage I could hardly control. Only over the last 4 months has it started to die down and I feel like myself again.
It has been 14 months since my husband called her to end it in front of me. I beleive my husband that she has not tried to contact him and that he “hates what he did and will never do it again” so no, I no longer feel the need to stalk his every move and I don’t stalk her.
But like I said previously, as long as she stays away from what is mine, I’ll let it go, she can slink along and infwct someone else with her disease. However, if she ever rears her rotten disease carrying self into my life again, she will regret it.
Soulmate. Right on girlfriend!!! I’m right there with you. I told the OW as much too. Lol i can’t believe i wasn’t arrested for threatening her. I didn’t have any f’s to give at that time. But it worked. Never heard a peep from her. I sent the warning shot loud and clear and that cockroach went running ????
Soul Mate, no offense taken! I and sure my friend is not the same woman, I think the coworker situation is just very common. I agree it is a parasitic, selfish relationship with a side of a lack of morals! And yet I know and love my friend who is an OW – I have know her longer than even my husband and she has been a rock for me. Humans are so complicated and she has all the daddy-issue problems that go hand-in-hand with befriending married men. Her own dad yanked her around emotionally, her own mom was with a married guy until he divorced and then their relationship eventually fizzled out anyway. I often look at all the crap people are handed as children and how that molds their idea of what is “normal.” Part of the reason I am fighting for my marriage is to not pass my kids the legacy of another messed-up marriage. All that said, I totally respect the people on these boards who have picked up and moved on happily. That is also a good model to show kids.
Tryinghard,
I have no regrets confronting the parasite. What these types of people need is confrontation. A show of strength and willingness to fight for ones self. Im glad I’m not the only BS that refused to let that slug slither away without giving it a good dousing of Raid!
I also confronted my husband much the same way. From the very start, I made it very clear it was me or her. He needed to make his choice and stick to it or we were done. One chance. That’s it. I have a life to live, I have value and told him I wasn’t going to waste anymore of my time on someone who doesn’t value me. I am an attractive and successful woman. I would have no problem attracting other men and he knows it.
What drove me nuts with him was the lieing about the events and his confession that he never meant to leave me and loved only me, yet he did what he did and that had me in an emotional trauma and a rage that was uncontrollable. The embarrassment and shame was all on him.
Peace
Hi TryingtoGetOver,
If I had led my life and made choices, especially choices that hurt others, based on what my parents did, I would be in prison right now. I was an severely abused child who was removed from my biological parents because of thier sick behavior and abuse. And I refused to repeat thier behavior and have strived all of my life to be the exact opposite of both of them. If anything, you learn from thier mistakes and see and feel the pain they have caused. And you refuse to repeat them and you develop deep compassion for those they have hurt by thier actions, including yourself. And you get as far away from them as you can. One thing I remember and will never forget, my biological mother blaming her parents and the world for her actions. No excuse! People make choices. Own them! No one is to blame for your own choices.
To many people use parental issues as a crutch to carry on behaviors of abuse of other human beings without any culpability for thier own actions. Your friend is an adult who lives in a world of human condition and she is educated. She knows exactly what she is doing and if she had any self respect and integrity or in the very least, compassion for others , she wouldn’t be doing what she is doing.
She is lucky to have a friend like you who has known her for many years and is willing to make excuses for her behavior and continues to befriend her while she ruins other peoples lives, yet still trusts her enough to think she would never do anything against you to drag you down too.
Hopefully, she at least values you enough to never betray you like she is doing to her APs wife.
Choices people make in life are based on values they themselves decide to keep and uphold. The only one who is to blame for a persons behavior is ones self.
Take Care and Happy New Year!
My OW was my husband’s high school/college girlfriend. They were together about 3 or 4 years until she cheated on him. Apparently, he left and never looked back. She showed up (“accidentally” came into his place of work) a couple times a few years later and ended up spending the night with him. He says he never pursued a relationship with her again but was not in a committed relationship when she would show up, so “why not”…fast forward almost 30 years later, she sent him a friend request n FB and immediately followed up with a call. He had recently lost his job so was home all day pretty much alone. He says it “just took off” he can’t explain it. Says she was full of compliments and stories of his glory days. Telling him how much all the girls wanted him and recalling so many memories he had long forgotten when his parents were wealthy (as were hers) and they would travel around living the dream all teenagers would envy. My husband has always been a romantic, since the day we met…telling me I’m beautiful everyday of my life since. No matter how much weight I’ve gained or ugly I feel, he’s always told me how much he loves me. Guess he did the same for her all those years ago, just on a bigger scale. Money was no object. For either of them.
In addition to losing his job, his grandmother had passed away. He’d been talking about going to visit her for months and we never made time to go…she was 92. Add years of him wanting more sex from me and telling me I made him feel like I wasn’t attracted to him. Even accusing me of having an affair. He said his work buddies told him if I wasn’t getting it from him, I was getting it somewhere else. Nice guys, I know. ANYWAY, just trying to give a little background….ironically, the weeks leading up to DDay, my H had gone back to work, 5 hours away this time and I had been working with a friend of mine (recently divorced because her husband cheated on her) most everyday. During the day, my husband would send me sweet text messages, saying I love you so much, I miss you so much, thinking about you, etc. He would call and I rarely answered the phone or the texts. Almost never did more than a love you too, miss you too or thumbs up. Usually sent a text letting him know I was busy. I felt guilty answering in front of her knowing what she was going through. It was all still very new for her. She told me how lucky I was and I should be grateful to be treated that way. I told her that talk was cheap. He was always very attentive but when it came to things that mattered like doing what he says he was going to do or taking care of family business that needed taking care of, it never happened. It was hard for me to be lovey Dovey when I didn’t feel like I was important for anything but sex and his ego. I told her I wasn’t sure if I would even care as I got a divorce and asked her to pray for me…2 days later, I found the phone records. It’s been over a year and a half now, He wrote her a long letter telling her that he felt she manipulated him into feeling sorry for her while stroking his ego. On the 1st call she told him, at the end of the call of course, that if he were to mention to his wife that she called him and it accidentally got back to her insanely jealous husband, he might “literally kill her” yes, she did. She told him her husband had always been crazy over the mere mention of his name. When they attended her sorority reunion, the reading from her yearbook mentioned my husband and her’s went into a rage and demanded they leave immediately. Blah, blah, blah. Even the restaurant where he once worked, and her favorite, of course, was a sore subject in their home. Every few calls, at first, he would tell her that if he could not tell me she was calling then she needed to start calling him. She would stop for a few days then called again claiming to have remembered some other story about how great our awesome he was back in the day or just to tell him that she needed to hear his voice because she was having a bad day. They began talking every day after that. He says he told her the whole time how much he loved me and that he would never cheat on me. He told her once that he thought what they were doing would be considered an affair since they were keeping it a secret from both of their spouses and she convinced him that as long as they were not being physical and they were only talking no one was going to get hurt. She told him how much she depended on their conversations. She told him how much she missed his kindness and his complements from all those years ago. She told him that her husband had not complemented her or told her that he loved her ever. She asked my husband to say I love you just so she could hear it. He agreed to do it but said it wasn’t real because he did not even know her. She told him she understood that it would just be nice to hear. She asked him if he would give her compliments. Then she started reminding him of sexual situations from their past. He said he told her it made him uncomfortable and I asked her not to talk about those things because he was happily married and it was inappropriate. He said she was very careful about inserting things like that into a conversation without blurting it out. He would make jokes about keeping it PG and things of that nature so as not to embarrass her. She even asked him if he would send her a sexual fantasy. Not a fantasy of her just a fantasy that he had. He said that he told her he wasn’t going to do that and she kept asking almost on a daily basis until he did. He said he copied something from YouTube Word for Word and send it in the form of a text but they did not discuss it. Then she started asking him to meet her in person. He did not do that either at first. Then after a couple of months he agreed to meet her in public and when he arrived she acted as though she was terrified. He said she was a nervous wreck looking all around talking under her breath. She left and then later called him and told him that she was so afraid and it had been a bad idea. Then she started asking him to meet with her again but this time, she asked if it could be at a hotel. She said that she knew the perfect place where she would be safe and she knew no one would ever see her. He tried to change it to a public place but eventually gave in to meet her at the hotel. They ended up meeting three different times at the hotel where nothing happened until the last time. He says she walked through the door and attacked him. He said the entire old ordeal lasted about 60 seconds at the most until he pushed himself away from her. She told him to lie back down and she would take care of everything herself she also told him that he knew that’s what he came for. He realized what he had done at that point and started to cry. He got up and left and told her that he had planned to tell me everything after that. He said the entire old ordeal lasted about 60 seconds at the most until he pushed himself away from her. He says they did not have sex. She told him to lie back down and she would take care of everything herself she also told him that he knew that’s what he came for. He realized what he had done at that point and started to cry. She began to shake violently placing her hand over her mouth and saying things like she could not believe she had read it so wrong. She could not believe that she had done something like that. He got up and left and told her that he had planned to tell me everything after that. Then she started calling him pretty much all hours of the day and night asking him if he had told me yet and telling him that she was going to tell her husband. She even told him that he should tell me she called and then plan a double date for the four of us to go out together. He told her he would never do that because that would make him some type of demon. She continued giving him ideas about the four of us getting together and he told her it was never going to happen. He said the only thing he could see was my face when she attacked him in the hotel. He also said it was that point he realized what she was doing all along and he could not believe he had fallen for it. He needed attention, he needed a friend, he said he had been feeling undesirable for a very long time and she boosted his ego and made him feel like a million bucks every day. He enjoyed the conversation and wanted to keep it going but when she started pressuring him for more he wanted out. He said the only reason he gave in to meeting her or sending the fantasy was because she kept asking and asking every day. He said she actually begged him to meet her at the last day when she attacked him and when he finally gave in and she told him she would leave her phone at home so if he changed his mind she would have no way of knowing he wasn’t coming. She even said she would wait there for days no matter how long it took for him to get there. I have all the text messages that were shared between the two of them and all the call logs. I will admit I haven’t had the need to go back and read the text messages because I really don’t want to know what was said between them. He knows that I have all the proof so I believe what he is telling me to be true. He called her immediately when I told him I I will admit I haven’t had the need to go back and read the text messages because I really don’t want to know what was said between them. He knows that I have all the proof so I believe what he is telling me to be true. He called her immediately when I told him I New about his affair. Each time he called she told him to wait a minute and let her call him back. She would tell him she was in the middle of something. Eventually, about two hours after finding out from Me that I knew, he called her one last time and told her he had promised me he would never talk to her again. He told her that if he could not reconcile with me that he would be alone for the rest of his life. She actually told him to give her a call later when things blow over. He repeated to her he promised me he would never talk to her again and hung up the phone. That is the last time they have had any communication. Since that day he has been extremely kind and attentive to my needs. When I ask questions in the beginning he got very defensive but says it was because of the shame. He is not the type of man that would do something like this. As I’m sure we all feel the same way about our spouses. He is a very kind, gentle soul and always has been when it comes to me. But he is also the type of person that wants to please everyone. He needs to be loved by everyone around him. He opens the door for everyone. He picks up something that someone else has dropped. He is always waiting on somebody or going out of his way to do something for someone. His parents never told him they were proud of him or they loved him and I believe that is why he’s always searching for that. I was very brokenhearted for a very long time but now I see what I did to open my marriage up for that type of thing to happen. I will never forgive myself for not being the wife that he needed me to be and not communicating like I should have. He says the same thing. He says the affair was the biggest regret of his life. He refused to call it an affair for a very long time. He said because he never crossed into a physical affair that it wasn’t really cheating but now he realizes that it was. He has worked very hard to show me that I am the most important thing in his life. He gave up his career and actually works with me every day now. I know this is kind of all over the place but please bear with me. I have been holding onto this letter he wrote the OW for a long time. It describes in detail their affair. How it started how it transformed into a relationship and how it ended. It also describes how he felt manipulated by her. It tells her not to ever contact him or any of his family again as she knows all of them. It tells her it was the biggest mistake of his life excepting her friend request and keeping it a secret from me. Says it was understood it was all fantasy and nothing real. Says he had no real feelings for her, was what he calls “emotional connection of some kind because of their past” but he sent her a plant after her requesting he send flowers. Then, said she dropped and broke it so he sent her another one. I saw the orders online…they were all the same thing. I believe she was stalking us on FB for a long time and was a jealous bitch. My husband swears he said nothing but good things about me as did she. She often complained about her husband to him, saying he was controlling, jealous, abusive, unkind and never gave her attention. Never gave her compliments or told her he loved her. She asked my husband to do those things for her, saying she understood fully they didn’t mean anything. They’d just be nice to hear. When he didn’t respond to her verbal sexual advances, she told him he must think she’s hideous or repulsive. She asked him to video chat with her as well, and he refused. I tell him it all sounds too good to be true…every BS’ dream affair…no sex, and nothing negative about his marriage…only telling his AF I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and had been attracted to me since the day we met. Imagine that! I try not to think about it because when I do, I convince myself it’s all a big lie, that he must’ve had sex with her. He even swears he was not attracted to her because “she wasn’t me” says he would think about me when sending her text messages, he was lonely and stupid. Once it all started, he couldn’t find a way to tell me them it was too late after taking so many calls. He knew I would never believe it was innocent until it wasn’t. I stay in a state of conflict. If it wasn’t for him constantly at my beck and call, I would be a basket case, I think.
Should I send this letter to her? Will it start it all over again if I do? I really want her to know what he says he thinks of her….biggest issue I have is this-why would he allow this whore that broke his heart all those years ago be the one he chose to destroy our trust with??? Why???? I’m still in disbelief after 18 months. Has anyone else had this type of lost love affair situation?
Devastated Wife
I would refrain from sending such an inflammatory letter…not that she doesn’t deserve it, but you have no idea what it could unleash. She has complained about her husband being controlling and jealous and you have no way of knowing whether that is true or false. Should that letter fall into the wrong hands….who knows what the ramifications could be. You are dealing with someone who is unpredictable and unstable and who knows what she is capable of.
Your husband is guilty of poor judgement and your relationship with him is what is important. No one can predict what the other woman would do should you send the letter.
Hi Devastated Wife,
Most here and therapist would probably tell you not to engage with the AP, however for me I did and don’t regret it one day.
I called her the minute I found out who she was and what she was doing. And yes I PROMISED her that if she continued to mess with what was mine that I would destroy her life.
Yes, I answer the door with both barrels loaded when some creepy little disease decides to invade what is mine. And I will definitely use it.
And I would have if not for my husbands reputation and the fact that he also called her, informed her I was conferenced in, and told her to bug off. That he never wanted to see or here from her again.
5 months to the day I found out, I sent the skank a final email and told her what my husband thought of her, the things he expressed and said to me about her (absolute disgust, remorse, regret, total sickness in ever meeting her, that he never loved her and told her so, ect.). The story he told me about what happened. what he thought of her anatomy. I also told her how he had expressed his feelings (his remorse, guilt, enduring love, endless apologies) for me and that he held me close every night, all night crying and telling me over and over how much I was part of him, that I was his Soul Mate and he loved only me and how we had made mad passionate love many times over every since. I told her that I was a real person whom she attacked behind my back and I reminded her of who I was, the people who were my colleges and friends as I’m sure she knew already. In other words, I let her know she lost at the putrid game she was playing and would stand to lose more if she ever decided make that mistake again.
I let her know that I could cause her reputation severe damage and cause her to lose her job and the prospects of ever working in that field again as well as on a social level, and that I was just that kind of Bitch that would do just that with absolutely no regrets. In fact I would look forward to it.
The one thing I made clear to my H from the very first day (DDAY) was I was not going to waste my time competing with a low life. That I was worth way more then that. That my life is to short and I valued it, and I had plans to enjoy it with or without him. To make a choice and stick to it because he only had one chance. He immediately snapped out of it and made the call to her in front of me on his own volition. After the fact he expressed that he was relieved it was over, that he wanted me to know because he knew I would end it. That he had wanted it to be over for a long time but didn’t know how to end it. (?) Still a question in my mind. Why just not end it?
He knew about the phone calls and he also knew about the email before I sent it and he actually proof read it and I let her know he did that as well in the email. That he agreed to every word I said and not to bother to call or text him or he would show it to me and I would be the one to answer her. We were a united front, bonded again and she could never break it. It wasn’t his choice whether I sent it or not and if he left, he left. I didn’t ask him if I could send the letter. I did however give him the cutesy of informing him.
If my H did not work with the husband or her and would have been married, repercussions or not I would have sent her husband the texts they shared and the call logs the day I found them. And I would have let my H know that I was going to do or had done it. Her H has a right to know he is in danger and is being betrayed. He is a human being. And she needs to be revealed for the vile creature she is. That will most likely teach her a hard lesson and put her in the very same trauma you and your H are in now. Why not, she deserves it. That will keep her busy. Not telling you what to do. Your actions are completely on you. That is completely in your court. It’s just what I would have done if my H AP was married.
My point here is, what is your goal in telling her those things If you are not going to back it up with absolute repercussions if she ever rears her ugly head around your H again? She will never believe you and you most likely will receive back her side of the story which will be packed with lies that will hurt you and your H healing even more.
It may be better to let sleeping “dogs” lie in their own excrement if you are not willing to use what you have in your arsenal to fight back.
I guess the difference between me and some betrayed wives is I had no fear of my husband leaving, I trusted my husband that he wanted to stay with me and that he was on my side, was remorseful for what he did and he was going to stay at my side. I never for one minute questioned his love for me. In a lot of ways, for me that email was a test of his sincerity. His commitment to me and his willingness to do whatever it takes to make up for his betrayal. I was willing to risk our marriage for truths, trust and loyalty. If he failed, then our marriage would have been over, and he knew it.
Peace
I have written a letter to my husband’s AP but never sent it, it sits in my email ready to fire off if she ever makes the mistake of rearing her ugly head. But in the meantime I am following the advice from most posters here and not giving her the attention she craves. I worry that she will lap up any attention related to us, even negative attention…like me reaching out will make her feel she is a huge part of his life story. F that. I want her to know she is nothing. So I sit on the letter. But Devastated Wife, you obviously have a lot to get off your chest, so maybe send something? I like the idea from Soul Mate to show your husband and have his seal of approval as a united front.
Thank you to everyone who replied…Soul Mate, I too, told my husband exactly the same after I found out. He ended it that same day without my asking him too. In fact, I told him there was no reason to. If that’s what he wanted he was free to have it. He said he never wanted her like that, and was relieved to the point of guilt (because it was only after I found out that he ended it) to have it be all over. Like most of you, said he wanted to end it but couldn’t figure out how. I actually told her husband when I called him the day after D day, that if she ever came around I would destroy his entire family and their reputation. He is in the public spotlight as is she. She had given him some BS story about old friends, blah blah. I sent him some proof I had that forced her to admit a little more but I’m certain he has NO IDEA the sort of evil, manipulative whore his wife is. He begged me not to, saying he and his kids were innocent. I agree. They are. But she IS NOT. When you literally ask a man to say I love you, Ask him to give you compliments, Ask him if you are as pretty as his wife,(he told her no, she wasn’t and no woman was:) ask him if there are things about his marriage or wife he could change if he could, come on!! She thought if she got him saying those things he would start believing it all himself. Or at least that’s what I think. She also told my husband about several men in her hometown that have been “obsessed” with her…she didn’t know why, of course…just an innocent bystander. She’s been up to this, I think, for a long time. She needs to be taught a lesson. She needs to know other people’s lives are not a game and if she chooses to play again, she will loose. I know my husband loves me, chooses me, dispises her and would take it all back if he could. I just can’t stand the thought of her sitting back thinking she won. I realize she didn’t get what she wanted in the end, but she did have his attention for 5 months. This sorry bitch even told him how happy she was for him that he was so happy and in love “with that pretty wife of his” after so many years…told him how much he deserved it. She needs a wake up call…after 18 months, thinking the coast is clear, I believe she deserves to know exactly what he REALLY thinks of her. She needs to know that I know every detail. It’s all in the letter. He wrote it, by the way. Just asked that I read it and mail it. That was over a year ago. Been sitting on it, waiting. Wanted to think of her opening it after the sting of rejection had long passed. I know, that’s horrible. I also worry what may happen if it gets into the wrong hands but then I think, she should be exposed for what she truly is. May save someone else a lot of heartache. My marriage is better than ever now, but not worth anything like the pain I’ve felt or to watch my husband suffer with the Shame of it all.
Tryingtogetover,
One thing I forgot to mention in my previous post was, I also stated in my email that if she tried to contact my husband in anyway moving forward, I would report her to her superiors and post all evidence I have of her involvement publicly as too warn others of her behavior. I reminded her that I have friends that work with her and I would also involve them. Husband’s reputation or not.
At the very end of the email, I told her this:
This will be the last time you will ever here from a (insert last name) again!
And I signed with my full married name.
Bunny Boilers Beware!
“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell like a Woman scorned.”
William Congreves.
Peace
That’s priceless. My husband actually put in the letter that HE would report her to her superiors and post all the texts they sent back and forth in her local newspaper. Full of terrible things about her own husband and things she definitely wouldn’t want to get out. All this if she ever attempted contact with him or any if our family. I like your ending. I may use it.
I wish there were some Wayward spouses on here my husband could talk to. I believe it would help him tremendously. Thanks again and God bless all of us on the journey none of us asked to be included on.
I am always telling my former-cheater husband that he needs to write a post, that these boards are so lopsided with the betrayed people. But his shame is so great he does not want to revisit any of his feelings, other than when we are in the safety of the therapist’s office. Even then he is of course much more eager to talk about where he is NOW and his plans for the future than he is to go back and walk through what he was doing two years ago. He also suspects (and is probably right) that he would be pretty quickly shamed by other posters for being a cheater and I don’t think anyone enjoys shaming by strangers.
I am super happy that the ONE friend he finally confided in was properly horrified. That friend gave him ZERO notes of sympathy and was just openly judgy and disgusted. I gotta admit, I will now love that friend forever!
I wonder what fellow cheaters would say to each other?! It can’t be a group that anyone wants to be in!
I wouldn’t shame a cheater so long as they were truly sorry for what they’ve done and unfailingly honest. I was actually thinking before I just got on here that I wish cheaters would post on here for the other women. So many other women come here with their heads firmly up their own asses refusing to truly acknowledge what they’ve done. They don’t want anyone to think they’re terrible people, but they aren’t remorseful, victim blame, and cling to lies so they don’t have to face ugly things about themselves. I want something for them to read that destroys their BS notions and helps them truly see what they need to see.
I would love it for cheaters to get on here and say “Yes, other women/men, you are being lied to. No, our wives/husbands aren’t terrible people. No, our marriages were bad/over/on the rocks. We lied to you. We lied to everyone. We have to lie.”
Here’s the thing, anyone can cheat if they let their guard down. It doesn’t make you a terrible person, but you did a terrible thing. It was highly selfish. Cheating happens for many reasons, but sometimes it’s just not having proper boundaries and then spiraling.
All relationships have cracks because no matter how happy and awesome it is, people have flaws and no person is going to be 100% perfect or fulfilling to another person. It’s impossible. All it takes is a weak moment with terrible boundaries and then the selfishness to continue forward instead of stopping. As long as they stop, are truly sorry to those they hurt, try hard to make up for it, and are honest – I would never see them as a bad person. But honestly, sometimes they NEED to hear everyone being judgy and disgusted. They don’t need people to excuse them or let them get away with the terrible things they’ve done. If your husband wrote here without making excuses and being genuinely sorry, I wouldn’t rip on him or shame him.
I don’t have quite the same opinion about the cheating partners because so far, they seem less remorseful, cling harder to lies to justify and excuse themselves even years after the affair is over, and continue to victim blame. Cheating partners seem to avoid wanting to see themselves and what they’ve done truthfully. That seems far more sociopathic than the cheaters and causes me to judge them more harshly, blame them more, dislike them more, and have way less sympathy for them. In fact, I have no sympathy for them.
Devastated Wife,
In my opinion, your husband writing the letter is wonderful.
I’m not sure what everyone means by “the wrong hands” however if you mean the law, for me, I could care less. Let her drag me to court, I’ll bring the phone records and a lawyer to prove what she did. As long as I did not threaten her with violence and only the truth, what will she accomplish? Exposing herself for the pig she is?
For 2 and a half years that woman pursued my husband, sexted him, sent him pictures of her disgusting naked anatomy and showed up naked in a work Skype video conference when it was just the 2 of them, during work hours. With both of them having high level TS clearance jobs!
I hardly doubt she will be passing out copies of that email to anyone. She knows what she did. And I know what she will most definitely lose if her superiors ever find out. She is the one with something to hide.
However, each and everyone of has to handle this horrible experience based on our best judgment. I respect and actually admire each and every one of you.
All the Best!
Soul Mate
The “wrong hands” would be the “jealous” and “supposedly” abusive husband. He wouldn’t be the first jealous husband to get a gun and shoot the OM which in this case would be Devastated Wife’s husband.
We are dealing with “unbalanced people” here….caution should prevail. I understand the rage etc. But when our cheating partners decided to play with a snake they shouldn’t be surprised that they got bitten.
Shifting Impressions, those are exactly the “wrong hands” I was referring to. I do not believe for one second that he is anything like she described, but I guess I have no way to know for sure. I will say this, I find it incredibly hard to believe that she would pursue my husband the way she did if hers’ was the Neanderthal, gun-toting, violent type she made him out to be. She said the most forward, shocking, nasty things to him even after he asked her not to. Begged for his address so she could “surprise” him, asked him to Skype her, he refused all of the above, but I’m pretty sure someone married to a monster would be a bit more inhibited and not so forward. It was like a conquest for her…doing the most shocking things to try to get him hot and bothered. Thankfully. My husband is not the “dirty” type he doesn’t and never has gone to strip clubs (gets embarrassed) or talk nasty, not even during sex. He says things like, “Dang, I love that fine booty of yours”, Lol. I realize things were probably very different between him and the whore (our pet name for the OW) but I haven’t seen any signs of it. He is different when he’s around ALL MEN but Even the fantasy he texted her was copied and pasted from YouTube with nothing really graphic. Just romantic type things. The point is, aren’t abused women of subosed wife beaters a little more submissive??? After she threw herself at him at the hotel, he was very upset with her. He cried and then left without really saying much of anything. Said when he told her he couldn’t do it, she should have stopped with her advances, not pull his pants down and push him on the bed. He had to push her away from him…When she started to apologize over and over for her “behavior” he told her that he had to tell me and he just knew I would divorce him. She panicked, told him she needed to know so she could tell her husband first and then, she graciously offered this- instead of coming clean about everything, he should just tell me she had called him and they’d planned a double date with the spouses!!!! Does this sound like behavior of an abused wife??? I don’t know. My husband told her that was never going to happen because that would be pure evil. My main concern is the PAIN it would cause her husband if he were to get ahold of it. It has detailed information outlining their actions. They never had physical sex but she said some very graphic things to him. Told him she had to think of him to have sex with her husband, said she wasn’t attracted to him, etc. She got extremely personal and hurtful. If mine had said something terrible about me, (which I braced myself for, figured it went with the territory… but never saw or heard anything negative) maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for him, you know, just comparing war stories, but he didn’t. He was very protective of me and our marriage with this whore. SHE never even said anything negative about me. It was exactly opposite of that. Like I mentioned before, it was like a game to her. Seeing if she could get him to cheat in more ways than just an emotional connection. Told him she was never emotionally connected to her husband, didn’t really want to marry him, waited for years for mine to reappear so they could get back together and be married….was only married to her husband because he asked her father’s permission, then planned it all and did the whole “wedding planner” thing all by himself. Said she told him “no” but then agreed she would but only way she would agree to if…if he could make it all happen while her world traveling father was in the country. In other words, out of default and because mine wasn’t available. No man needs to hear something like that. He may die of a broken heart. Or kill her even. I know mine would. I would be devistated. Who wouldn’t? This woman is psychotic, evil, and extremely full of herself. She asked my husband if SHE was still the prettiest girl in the world with that pretty wife of his…Where do these women even come from??? Who could be that full of themselves?? Asking married men for all their attention, making them feel like Thor with their evil tounges, to the point they lose their sense of decency and compromise their character?? All this while convincing everyone around them they’re Mother and Wife of the Year. Having people think she and her husband are like Ozzie and Harriet. Don’t get me wrong, my husband was the cheater. He did not have to lie to me, he chose to. He did not have to get emotionally involved with this whore, he chose to. But I still want her to feel humiliation, shame, gut wrenching sadness, and fear!!! I just don’t know if I can handle her family feeling all those things. I realize she caused it but if it comes as a result of a letter I put in the mail, I don’t know if I could live with myself.
Devistated Wife
I know it’s hard to believe that someone can behave that shamelessly and yes probably has some personality disorder. In my case the OW was much more subtle. But nevertheless that someone came to steal something that wasn’t theirs and my husband unlocked the door and let them in.
Also our husbands were the OM in someone else’s relationship.
It’s much easier to focus our anger at the other woman than at our partner…the one that made promises to us. There will always be those people that want to create havoc in other peoples relationships and take what isn’t theirs. And I hate to say this but when our partners put to much focus and blame on the OW it takes the focus away from their own accountability.
SI and Soulmate and Devastated
The OW in my life was seeing her ex husband’s son while having an affair with my husband. In fact she was still married to the father when the affair began. They divorced during the affair and she took up with the son before the divorce was even final. Lol talk about a whore?!?
When DDay came and she broke it off with Junior he found out she was seeing my husband. He called me and i filled him in on what i knew about them. He was quite anxious to get to her house to retrieve some very important “things”. Those things were a shit load of pot hidden in her drop ceiling. They were selling it. Yeah nice people. In fact no they were thugs, hoods, pot dealer and motorcycle riding handy men. Men not unfamiliar with guns and fighting and low life.
Junior in fact called my husband and threatened his life. Told him he had a gun and would find him late at night when no one was around and kill him. Nice huh? Stable right?
In fact people snap. This crap doesn’t sit well with even the most seemingly normal people let alone people used to and prone to low life activities and violence.
Devastated do not assume her H isn’t capable of violence if you are going to assess him by your own values. I agree with SI. Leave him alone. Exposing her could indeed put you and him and possibly your children at risk. These people are snakes.
I did exactly what Soulmate did. I scared the living crap out of the OW and my h for that matter. I was not going to go away quietly. Should a divorce ensue i was going all out, guns blazing, i had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I threatened to bring her to court too should there be a divorce. My state still had Alienation of Affection laws at the time. I probably wouldn’t have won but I’d have made her life as miserable as possible and had fun doing it. In fact i did do that. I turned her into the state for benefits fraud and she was kicked off unemployment and had to pay back over 10k of fraudulent benefits she received.
When h and i decided to reconcile I sent her an email warning her it was over and to stay away and if she couldn’t the next person she’d be hearing from was my lawyer. I degraded her and called her names in that email. Nothing overt but subtly. Told her she was out of her league and she knew it. I can be quite sharp tongued. She went away. And much like the Bible verse you posted, which by the way is one of my favorite, she died a painful death in 2017 after a 3 year painful illness. She led a pathetically sad life. I actually feel a bit of compassion for her now. Not for her actions, because she was her own worst enemy. Most of us are. The difference is we who aren’t of the same ilk as APs at least try to do the right thing. She was capable of the same and choose not to. But i still feel compassion for the stupid people of this world
I understand the need for sweet revenge. I understand you want to “protect” or warn others about her. That’s not your job. You should warn her and make a firm stance, your H even more so, to stay the eff away OR ELSE. What that OR ELSE is let her wonder about. But let her know you are no one to be messed with and leave it at that.
Just my two cents worth. Take care of YOU Devastated. That’s where the real healing is. Not obsessing over every remark of the OW. You have enough info to know who and what she is. Move forward with that. She’s crazy, irrational too. Stay away from her and her h. Let them wallow in their own dirt. And if your H wants to return there, show him the damn door!!
Trying Hard
Thanks for backing me up. Your story says it all.
Devastated Wife…I am familiar with those particular Bible verses but I caution you to leave vengeance to God. I do that for your own safety.
I strongly believe we need to weigh our words carefully on this site. The last thing we want to do is encourage someone to put themselves and their families in danger.
I should add, it was my son who told me about Junior threatening my h. He told me to stay away from the guy, do not talk to him, he was threatening violence. My h did NOT call and warn me! Nice huh? I boarded up my walkout basements windows and doors. I put brown part over the windows in my garage door so no one could see when i was home. I keep my curtains drawn. But best i told my therapist about the threats and it was she who called the police and reported it. My son was very concerned Junior would try to hurt ME as retribution to my husband. He was not off base.
So yes whenever our mates enter into these shallow relationships, and they are very shallow, they are not aware of who or what they are truly dealing with. They don’t know their family or friends because the affair is so secretive. I’m sure OW thought she “knew” me. Thought i was some coddled little frigid housefrau. But after DDay she got to meet the real me. The mama lion protecting her lair. She really was out of her league. Those still waters ran deep and smart for her tacky stupid ass. She thought she had it all figured out. She learned differently.
And that’s what happens when you mess in other people’s lives. During an affair you can construct any fantasy you like. But once that relationship hits the light of day and we learn who these people are, BS as well, the paradigm changes and things you thought were true and real are not. It’s a big tough life lesson. Some of us survive it some don’t. The OW didn’t in my case. Her illness was a direct result of how she lived her stinking life.
I was so hurt and so mad my h didn’t tell me about the threats from Junior and his dad. Yes dad figured out the affair started when he and OW were married. How could he not feel an iota if concern for my safety when he heard those threats? It still makes me mad to this day
Devistated wife
Thank you for your prayers. I too am a devistated wife and that club was forced on me, so I know where you’re coming from. Finding out I have been lied to and cheated on for 30 years has crushed me. It has been through coping with that pain that I ended up in an affair – in no way an excuse, but an explaination. I have heard and appreciate everyone’s comments and am trying to figure out my next step.
Too Messed Up
I’m not going to shame you. I get your situation. We’re i a weaker person i too may have chosen your path. But i was bound and determined i would not let my husbands behavior compel me to lower my own standards and debase myself as he did. I know you know what you are doing is not only wrong but is not the answer to your problems. But i sure do get the temptation.
I hope you get it figured out before it’s to late for yourself. There’s plenty of help out there to get your self sorted out. I hope you find that help. This road you’ve chosen leads to nothing but destruction to your own soul and well being.
Good luck to you. I know you’ll figure it out
Wow TH,
Your story is exactly the reason why I would risk informing the AP H if she had one. Get it out in the open immediately and anticipate, knowingly what could potentially happen. Yes, it would be a very risky thing to do but, what if you did not know all of that info about the OW and her family and life ever?
What if you had no clue that the AP H was in a rage and was going to hurt you or your family members anywhere, any time, any place? You would inevitably be in immediate danger and have no clue.
You would have never saw it coming. Never been prepared in case. Your own H didn’t even warn you and he was threatened.
I for one would not want to live with the stress and anxiety of wondering everyday for the rest of my life that anyday the AP spouse would find out and how they would handle the news.
As we all know, it doesn’t matter when the affair happened or when it ended. On DDay, it still feels the same.
Everthing I read states that the truth will eventually come out. What if it is years down the road when you have reconciled and back to living your life freely without the knowledge that a volcano just erupted in your life and you are in danger, exposed? I myself, would not be able to live like that. I refuse to be a martyr for my H transgressions and live my life paranoid. It never works. Ever.
I had that exact same thing happen to me in my first marriage. I would not make that mistake again.
You hide things, the truth comes out and you are unprepared for the consequence because you have no clue you have become a target. The worst part is, you did absolutely nothing to deserve the outcome.
Yes, people become violent when traumatized by betrayal and harm and rejection. They will hurt you.
I’d rather face those demons head on and fight them right away, than avoid them and hope they never rear thier ugly heads and I am not prepared.
This is soully my opinion. As always each must make thier own decisions on how they will handle thier own experience. Please, be sure to do what is right for you alone as you will be the one to suffer the repurcussion of the outcome. To bad our cheating spouses knew these things could happen and yet didn’t care at all.
Peace
Soulmate—you make a great point. I did not keep anything secret. The OW was working in our family business. Two days later i called the office and let all the managers know what was going on. They were all mortified. Some suspected as much. They thought they were so smart and careful. They weren’t.
I made no secret she was to leave. I had to be careful about a lawsuit from her but never the less she could have been fired immediately. I called her brother who i knew and told him too. I made it my business to find out as much as i could about this woman. I def had her over a barrel and all the cards were stacked in my favor. She needed her job. My h even asked if she could keep her job if he ended the affair with her. I said yes under the following conditions, i would return back to work and SHE reported to ME. She would be relegated to a desk in the plant and would have little to no communication with anyone. Lol my lawyer loved that one. Of course that wasn’t going to happen so she had to go and she was fired 3 long months after DDay.
Yes it was my son who told me about the threats. Thank God. It wasn’t she making the threats it was her ex and Junior who made the threats. By my assertive actions by standing firm against her and making people in authority i.e. my lawyer and my therapist who called the cops on those threats which are not taken lightly, the threats stopped. She was a nervous wreck i heard after that. I even went to the office and confronted her. She knew i meant business. But There was no way i was going to do any more to stir those hornets nests.
Look I’m all for outing APs to their families but you have to be smart and careful i sure as hell didn’t go by what my lying h was saying or telling me what she was or wasn’t doing. I figured this out for myself. And my motive was always to make it very clear she was messing with the wrong woman. I let Jr know too. Hell i shouted it from the roof tops. I wasn’t trying to save anyone else from her. Matter of fact she was registered on Ashley Madison so she was looking for a new married man. Lol this wasn’t her first rodeo. She was also signed up on a dating site called City Sex. You post nasty pictures of yourself to get dates. Yeah she was a real piece of work. I showed all this to my h. Plus the fact he found out she was screwing Jr the same time she was screwing him often in the same 24 hours. Not so innocent as she presented herself. That proverbial fog sure lifted when it all came to light He was completely taken in by her lies about herself. Stupid on him. It was I who exposed her further to him. He can be so naive and dense. My bad for sticking around and staying. But that’s another story.
I think you did the right thing for you and your relationship. Devastated situation sounds a bit trickier and that’s all I’m saying and warning her about. Yes indeed her h can find out later and reek holy hell. It’s a risk she’s taking staying with a cheater. Until OW died i always felt another shoe would drop. In fact Jr married a very good friend of my DIL ????. Haha. How’s that for too close for comfort and small world?? Yep there he was in a picture with my unknowing son on FB. The guy who threatened his father all partying together
Once you’ve opened yourself to these cockroaches your life and your family’s life will always be at risk of a threat. That’s why i keep my circles very small. I interact with very few people. I think the world is nuts ????????????
In the end i stand strong with how people decide to handle this stuff whether it’s to tell or not. But do t assume anything about anyone. I had no freaking clue that my husband was exposing me to physical and health threats by his relationship with this nasty white trash and her white trash entourage. And i have to be honest. Maybe i should have kicked him to the curb back then. I certainly would have removed my threat of danger. How do i know what she told her new boyfriend, the new guy after my h and Jr, about me or my h or their relationship? How do i know that in his grief over her death he doesn’t want to hurt me or my h in her honor. I have my suspicions he’s an ex con!! People snap. Better to give a wide berth. JMHO ????
Hi Trying,
Wow! I have to give it to you, you clearly are a fighter.
Yes, years ago, back when I was married to my first husband he had wronged a person after we had split up and that person had threatened to harm me and my kids in retaliation. I found this out through another source, thank God and was able to report that person as well to the authorities. At that time my Uncle was a cop so it didn’t take much to resolve that issue. That was over 30 years ago now however I will never forget the creepy feeling of finding out I and my kids, unknowingly, were in danger. And at that time I was living alone with my kids.
As you know now I’ve been married 27 years to my 2nd H. He has always been a good H and Dad to all 5 of our kids until he had a brain fart and had an EA with a single coworker. And I think you know the rest of the story. She slank back into her sludge pit the minute I found out.
Just want to tell you though that I admire you for standing your ground and facing your H AP with both barrels loaded as they say.
As always, each and every one us has to do what they think is right. I was simply stating my opinion.
As a matter of fact, Shifting Impressions seems to be the person here with the calmest temper and coolest head. Her advice is most likely the best for Devistated Wife.
Peace
These OW/OM are low life scum who literally prey on insecure and weak individuals. My H was an insecure, weak, coward who CHOSE to bring multiple OW into OUR marriage over the course of 11 years of marriage. Don’t be a fool like I was and believe the lies these people tell you. My H got caught first time 4 years into our marriage. I questioned his behavior around this woman and hers around him and was told I CRAZY AND DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. It wasn’t until I had phone records showing 11,000 text messages between them in just 1 month but for an entire year this was going on. Phone calls to and from work, texting/sexting in fact when I finally caught the SOB he had her in his phone as ZZ. Not only that but emails were exchanged etc. I believed the bs lie he told me about it being a woman from work which he had also just started “talking” to but once I looked closely at the phone number where it was from etc I put two and two together. He begged me to stay, he loved me, didn’t want anybody but me etc all the bs. Fast forward 4 years and he comes in and throws down divorce papers. I was forced by him to sign and file. Turns out I found his email and password. I got into his email and low and behold he is screwing a coworker. He had been doing it for a few months until he decided to slap me with a divorce. On top of that, I found multiple emails of the first gal that was just a “emotional affair” where he literally forwarded naked photos of her onto his email for his spank bank. He was also sending her pictures of himself. So to sit and say your spouse is sorry and they love you and won’t do it again, don’t fool yourself. These are low life, scumbags who will find one way or another to continue having affairs with their APs. Btw I did get a hold of the new gal he left me for and she is as delusional and stupid as he is. She is 7 years older than him, has 3 kids from 2 different baby daddies. She has been married and divorced two times and engaged a third time and I’m positive it’s because he figured out about my H and her. Our divorce was really fast 6 months but he literally went on a “family vacation” with her entire family one day after our divorce was final. They bought a house together in Oct and our divorce was in June. Proves that weed kills brain cells kids. She has no college education, and her track record speaks for itself. My ex left me (a doctor who owns her own business has no baggage, thank god I didn’t have kids with him) for a woman who has a track record that speaks for itself plus he gets to play pretend daddy to her kids. Btw he said he doesn’t want kids that the sound of them make him crazy. My ex is a low life and I can’t wait for karma to come a knocking. Please, don’t waste your life on people who promise you they will change. My changed his cell phone, but he had multiple emails and that is how these affairs continue and they can get secret cell phones etc. Where there is a will there is a way. Liars and cheaters DONT CHANGE! Even extensive therapy can’t change them. They are master manipulators. They are narcissistic and care only for numeral uno! My ex told me he didn’t love me the last 5 years of our marriage, I was a fat f’ing bitch, I was controlling etc etc. He said he didn’t care what anyone thought he was going to live his life for him and only him. I’m saying something because I was a push over and truly loved my spouse. I would have done anything for him and our marriage but in the end it’s not worth it. I wasted 6 miserable years for someone who was never going to be faithful and stuck around. Don’t be a doormat! Let these OW/OM be these people’s next doormat. They think they are “special” and “soul mates” and “lovers”. Just wait until they step on the “shit” left at the front door. These are both miserable POS individuals who literally deserve each other. I think the Karma is the fact they “get” each other.
Oh and my ex’s karma is also the fact they bought a house directly next door to the OW’s mother ????????????! Now he has multiple eyes watching his every move!
Ditch a Cheater,
Your ex sounds like my ex. Only when I was married to my first H there were no emails and cel phones. He just hooked up with anyone who was willing. Including his cousin and my friend. He never left me. I left him. I spent 3 months in a woman’s abuse center with my 3 kids at that time and finally broke free of his abuse and controlling behavior. That was 36 years ago. Now I look back at that time without any thought of pain and remorse but as an experience of learning. I don’t even think of him as the father of my kids as my second and true husband has raised my kids as his own and frankly has been more of a father to them then their sperm donor Dad ever was. Actually I don’t think of him at all but for reading your heartbreakingly painful comment.
That being said all people are NOT the same and you as a Doctor should know that. But I truly do understand your anger, sadness and bitterness due to your ex behavior. If I can give you one piece of advice it would be this; Free yourself. Set your mind at ease that there was nothing you could do to change someone else, however you can change you. Every waking moment proves that. It’s your choice as to how you are going to live it. Turn your back on his transgression, it was never your burden to carry. Do not let it control you any longer.
If I would have thought like you, I would have never had the experience of falling in love again. I would have stagnated in despair. And regardless of what my 2nd husband did, I don’t for one minute regret ever meeting and falling in love and marrying him after almost 5 years of being a single Mom. He was and still is the best thing that ever happened to me and my kids. He has always been a loving, generous, selfless and attentive father and husband. Throughout our 28 years of relationship and marriage he has more than proved this. Trust me, I know the difference.
His transgression does not even come close to what my first husbands was and I don’t even think to compare them as there is and never will be any similarity.
Good people can and do make ONE huge mistake and own it. It can become a living hell for them to live through. The pain of knowing that they are/were weak and that weakness caused pain to the ones they truly love, yes, absolutely they can learn from that experience and never repeat that mistake again. There are many people here that can attest to that. Not all transgressions are the same and it’s a shame more people who have committed them are so ashamed they won’t share their experience in these blogs so we the betrayed can better understand their pain and emotions.
My H has proven his love to me for many years when most men wouldn’t even consider taking on a woman with 3 kids. He and I have worked hard together. We have raised 5 successful children, built 2 brand new houses, we have 13 grandchildren and have enjoyed more very close loving years than we have bad. He has suffered his own sin. I’ve witnessed it and he still suffers as he cannot forgive himself for what he did and I believe he is becoming physically ill because he can’t. I refuse to be a daily reminder of that pain any longer. I choose freedom. To release both of us from the pain so that we can move forward in love again. Be happy.
Some people do deserve forgiveness and another chance. I believe my husband is one of them. I could be wrong. He could repeat the same mistake, however that will be on him and he knows the consequence of that action as I set that boundary on dday and will follow through no matter how much pain it causes. If I choose to dwell on the thought of his repeating his sin, how will that serve me? Us? Our family? How will that affect my freedom of choice to live happy?
To your journey! To all of our journeys!
Peace!
Anne,
Absolutely agreed. Especially when the AP is a single woman/man knowingly engaging in a sexual exploit with a married person. It is disgustingly dirty minded, desparate, delusional and very sociopathic.
Soul Mate,
Thanks. I hate articles like these where they say the AP isn’t thinking about you at all. Oh gee, a selfish @*()@()*# isn’t thinking about the wife or family whose lives she’s destroying at all?! Wow! I feel better! How is that going to make me hate them less?
Every time I see other women get on here to defend themselves all they do is make me hate them even more because none of them are ever truly remorseful and all they do is offer up the same BS excuses and lies the cheaters told them and that they told themselves to get themselves into the affair to begin with. None of them ever take responsibility for themselves while saying they do. None of them want to admit what they’ve truly done. They think if they spew out the lies “His wife was terrible! They were miserable and should never have been together!” “I wasn’t the cause of their issues! They already had issues…” that somehow that makes what they did less bad or “understandable.” No, honeys, it doesn’t. It just makes you all look even worse. Especially when they refuse to listen to the wives who are telling them “we’re the ones who lived in the realities of those relationships. None of what our cheaters told their APs about us or our marriages was true!” They ignore it and insist in their case it was totally true and it somehow makes what they did not really an affair or their affair is somehow justified so we shouldn’t think they’re the terrible, selfish, delusional people that they actually are.
If you go back through some of the older articles, someone mentioned that affair partners don’t honestly love each other so one AP commented saying she really did love her partner and she loved his children “through his eyes.” And I laughed at her delusion. No, honey, you don’t love him really and you definitely don’t love his children considering your selfish @*#&@*(& self is actively destroying their lives! Yeah, you “love” them while you screw their father and actively lure him away, hurt their poor mother deeper than you can imagine, and irrevocably change their lives forever! Wow, I’d feel very “loved” by her if I was one of those kids and I’d sure hate her guts back.
The delusion is so strong with these people!
Anne,
Exactly. My husband told me recently that his slug would ask him where I was at night when I was in bed sleeping and he was drunk sexting her. She would play it off like she didn’t want him to get in trouble. Yeah right! How completely sick is that? She also told him I didn’t love him. She played him against his friends at work and also his boss. She is a real piece of work. She only texted him and he would call her back.
She also would text him uncontrollably on days she knew were special and he would ask her not to. And in the end, my husband worried she would tell me when he tried to break it off and she eventually did just that! Why? Because she hated the thought that he might spend time attentively with me or our family members or heaven forbid…he could have been having sex with me! She wanted revenge. So she hurt me to get back at him. Sound like someone who never thought of the wife?
There is no way anyone who is emotionally involved with a person doesn’t consider the spouse competition and one to be annihalated. But what do people expect from a person who would lower themselves to the lowest you can get by getting involved in another’s business? The truth? From a cheater? Spouse poacher? Liar? Sexual deviant. Someone who is so emotionally immature and sexually retarded that they somehow get some freaky excitement out of the experience of sexting a married man while his wife is sleeping? Maybe having sex in someone’s marital bed? Ewe!!! Disgusting!
You know, like a rapist? People like this are dangerous plain and simple. No getting around it. They are risk takers with malevolent intent.
For me it’s the whole thought of my husband even looking in the direction of someone that sickening, married or not, that gives me pause and makes me think about his character. What standards does he use when considering someone as a friend, lover, spouse? This is what my mind is battling now as I try to move forward with healing and make the right choices for me in the future. Peace
I was recently the ow. I had reconnected with an old friend I’d known since high school. He and I had always had one of those relationships where you pick up right where you left off. We had an excitement whenever we saw each other and a natural closeness that allowed us to open up to each other in ways we couldn’t with other people. During the time I was having my kids I didn’t have time to keep up my friendships so I did not see him in person but kept up on Facebook. During this time he met and married his wife. We both felt sadness that our friendship had taken a back seat. As soon as I had some more freedom I contacted him and we became buddies again. His wife instantly felt insecure about me and tried to keep us apart. At the time I was married with three kids, the youngest was still a baby and I was still breastfeeding and looked quite disheveled often but his wife still insisted that we only see each other with her present. Because of this I witnessed her belittle him and she even bragged about physically attacking him out of “passion” when they argued! I knew that my friend had been in bad relationships in the past and feared he was being abused. After about a year of reconnecting, my marriage dissolved. I found myself needing a place to stay (just me not the kids), and reeling from the stress of a divorce with kids). He put his foot down with his wife and became truly an amazing friend to me – he comforted me, he housed me, he also confided in me about his depression in his marriage. He asked his wife to go to couples therapy and she refused. She became nasty to me whenever I hung out with the two of them and started accusing him of having an affair with me which was not true. Then many things happened at once, she got a job where she had to travel, he lost his job, he broke his arm. He felt like everything was falling apart. That’s when he came on to me. This was about two months after my husband and I split. I was staying with he and his wife in their house a few days a week. I had helped him do chores all day because of his broken arm and he came on to me and it felt very comfortable and right. We spent the night together and I commented that instead of feeling weird (sleeping with a friend) it felt intimate and beautiful. We agreed it was a one time thing. After that we continued to see each other often as friends but we were definitely having an emotional affair. It felt so natural I didn’t question it. We spent the next six months being more and more intimate emotionally and physically. We talked about a future together and said “I love you”. Very early in this process I told him he should tell his wife what is going on. At least to start informing her of his feelings – his confusion and needs. One very intense night I really implored him to tell her because it was the right thing to do. Despite his marriage seeming terrible he did not seem to be able to let it go, and despite knowing he and I would not be able to see each other once he told her I did not think it was fair for her to be married to someone without really knowing who he was. We stopped having sex but we continued the emotional affair. I pushed him to go to therapy and start his marriage over again from a place of trust. Finally I told him I would lose respect for him and wouldnt be able to be friends anymore if he did not tell her. He told her. We had to break off communication. I miss him. He was my close friend for 20 years. I regret changing our relationship because I was never certain I wanted anything more than friendship. The thing is the emotional depth he and I reached with each other was so natural and we learned a lot about ourselves. Even as we said goodbye he said he regretted the lies but he did not regret the affair. I understood what he meant.
Oh my. I can’t let this one pass. Because this website is ostensibly dedicated to helping folks heal from infidelity, I’m surprised someone hasn’t yet tackled Teresa’s post. Let’s add a sixth reason OW do what they do –
FANTASY, delusion’s twin sibling. And ain’t no fantasy quite as fantastical as the fantasy OW (and men) spin around the so-called “first love” or former “high school” flame. Teresa’s fooling around with her high school friend is a particularly egregious example of this tired, but truly relationship killing, trope. My husband cheated on me with a high school girlfriend who fished him on Facebook after 45 years so this one hits home for me. Let’s run some of Teresa’s comments through my fantasy BS translator shall we?
“I did not see him in person but kept up on Facebook. During this time he met and married his wife. We both felt sadness that our friendship had taken a back seat.”
Facebook friendships are not the same as real life friendships. Facebook isa carefully curated space where all is well – happy couples, happy families, photos of “great” vacations. Sharing cat memes is not what it takes to sustain a real life friendship. And your so-called friendship with him, as well as ANY other friendships he had, should “take a back seat” – he married someone!
” As soon as I had some freedom I contacted him and we became buddies again. His wife instantly felt insecure about me and tried to keep us apart.”
You got bored and fished him on Facebook after he married, and his wife didn’t appreciate this long lost “buddy” resurfacing. She was suspicious about your motives for reconnecting. Can’t say I blame her. Hard to ignore those red flags when they’re waving in your face.
“After about a year of reconnecting, my marriage dissolved. I found myself needing a place to stay (just me not the kids),”
After carrying on a year long EA with your high school friend, your own marriage suffered as a result, and it ended. Interesting only YOU needed a place to stay – and you left your children.
“This was about two months after my husband and I split. I was staying with he and his wife in their house a few days a week………………We spent the night together.”
So, Teresa, let’s get it straight. You consummated this smoldering, irresistible attraction IN THEIR HOUSE WHILE HIS WIFE WAS OUT OF TOWN. One wonders, did you do it in their marriage bed? Your thanks to the woman who took you in against her better judgement was to F*** her husband. Nice.
“We spent the next six months being more and more intimate emotionally and physically. We talked about a future together and said “I love you”. Very early in this process I told him he should tell his wife what is going on…………I implored him to tell her because it was the right thing to do”
How noble of you. Any “her or me” messaging happening along with your selfless desire for him to be honest with his wife? WAS THIS HAPPENING IN THEIR HOME?????
“He told her. We had to break off communication”
He chose his wife over you. Apparently his marriage wasn’t as “terrible” as you wanted to believe it was.
“I regret changing our relationship because I was never certain I wanted anything more than friendship.”
You willingly carried on a physical relationship with this guy for MONTHS. Seems pretty certain to me.
And the final bon mot Teresa gifts us:
“the emotional depth he and I reached with each other was so natural and we learned a lot about ourselves. Even as we said goodbye he said he regretted the lies but he did not regret the affair.”
It was all worth it in the end! Cause, hey, “we learned a lot about ourselves.” Destroyed marriages on both sides, and what about Teresa’s kids? No regrets? Teresa. you enabled a jerk who lied to you and lied to his wife. You willingly played along while another human being was intentionally hurt and humiliated IN HER OWN HOME. Let’s call it what it was. A betrayal, not an “affair.” Doesn’t matter if she was Genghis Khan and did “abuse” that jerk. He should have ended it with her honestly before taking up with you. And I don’t care how “natural” it felt. He was a married man, and no amount of fantasy spinning about a “possible future” could change that.
It’s been awhile since you wrote this post but had to respond to say BRAVO! Teresa is the epitome of a parasite. I blood sucking parasite if ever there is one. One of the truly most disgusting affair stories I’ve read on this site so far.
Soul Mate, even though it’s been a few months since YOU posted these comments, I’m responding to say thank you for the BRAVO.
I don’t understand what Teresa’s goal was here. Sometimes I think OW like to post on infidelity support sites just to mess with us betrayed. Interesting not many OM play this game. Teresa’s post was essentially saying “see what we OW can do to you dumb betrayed wives. What idiots you are. We OW will screw your husbands in your marital bed, take advantage of your generosity and naivety if we are a friend or family member, steal from your marriage figuratively and literally, do whatever it is WE feel like doing. Because it’s all about US. Better watch your backs.” Teresa also strikes me as a typical mate poacher rather than a deluded AP searching for meaning and excitement in their lives. Pathetic.
Earlier in this thread, Anne succinctly put it into words what OW are really saying when they spew their BS on infidelity sites, but Teresa still couldn’t help herself. She had to tell us her story. What Anne said is worth repeating – Teresa’s post illustrates EVERYTHING Anne said:
“Every time I see other women get on here to defend themselves all they do is make me hate them even more because none of them are ever truly remorseful and all they do is offer up the same BS excuses and lies the cheaters told them and that they told themselves to get themselves into the affair to begin with. None of them ever take responsibility for themselves while saying they do. None of them want to admit what they’ve truly done. They think if they spew out the lies “His wife was terrible! They were miserable and should never have been together!” “I wasn’t the cause of their issues! They already had issues…” that somehow that makes what they did less bad or “understandable.”
I sometimes remind myself that it must suck to be them, and eventually the karma bus arrives for mate poachers. But sometimes you can help the karma bus along :-).
Cheers!
My husbands AP consciously pursued him. She bought him expensive gifts and gave him money to support his pain pill problem when I was fighting with about that and the money he was spending on it trying to keep a roof over our heads and food in my kids mouths. She is s selfish person who wasn’t happy in her marriage and messed up mine. Thankfully when my husband hit rock bottom- gave up that pills and came out of the drug and affair fog he dropped her like a hot rock.
My exh and his OW are like two peas in a pod – both alike and perfect for each other.
Both are empathetically bankrupt, economical with the truth, have severe boundary issues, poor problem serving skills and a degree of insensitivity that is breath-taking.
I feel sorry for her the most, as her self esteem must be in the gutter if she believed that a “wonderful relationship” (his words not mine) involved sneaking around and having sex in our bed when I was at work.
When I found out about the affair I divorced him and now their punishment is that they have to live with their crappy selves and each other. Nice.