A little motivation to get the year started! And though this post has really nothing to do with infidelity or marital crisis, it certainly can be applied to those situations – and really all aspects of your life.
For most of the civilized world, it seems that January is a month where people review the past year and then focus on improving themselves, making changes, setting goals, etc. You can certainly throw me in that group of people as I’ve always been a goal setter – just not always a goal achiever – and I tend to do a little life rearranging every January. And it gets me motivated.
For most of my adult life I’ve never worked for a salary. I’ve either been on straight commission or owned my own business. Both are situations where the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me” indeed apply.
And over the years I’ve struggled with keeping myself motivated through the daily grind, rejection, a variety of economic downturns, recessions, housing collapses and such, so I’ve always utilized a variety of motivational techniques to help push me along.
Personally, I find success stories, case studies and music to be quite motivational, but nothing really compares to a certain very special book. A book written by me – for me.
Unlike the books you’ll find on the personal development or self-help shelves of your local bookstore, it’s written purely for myself. Whenever I feel demotivated or unsure I’m on the right path. I read it.
The book has no foreword, no chapter numbers and no introduction. Instead, these are the exact words it starts with…
Your success lies in the hands of no-one else. Nobody is holding it behind their back, keeping it away from you as you as you frantically reach around their waist trying to grab it. Nobody is going to hand it to you either. This is all on you. You can become the leader in your field. Never ever falter on that belief. You can do this entire thing on your own.”
I have so much belief in how important personal attitude is that I read my own words to myself almost every single day. And it works.
While it’s inspiring for me to know that I can do anything I want on my own, the more important message is that I’m not putting responsibility for my results (or lack of them) on anyone else’s shoulders.
I proudly accept the position I’m in, and the challenge ahead, as my challenge.
It’s incredible how your attitude towards anything can flow into all areas of life
In his best-selling book, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, Shad Helmstetter makes a very profound claim about the importance of how we look at things and talk to ourselves.
After examining the philosophies, the theories, and the practiced methods of influencing human behavior, I was shocked to learn the simplicity of that one small fact: You will become what you think about most; your success or failure in anything, large or small, will depend on your programming – what you accept from others, and what you say when you talk to yourself.
It is no longer a success theory; it is a simple but powerful fact. Neither luck nor desire have the slightest thing to do with it. It makes no difference whether we believe it or not. The brain simply believes what you tell it most. And what you tell it about you, it will create. It has no choice.”
Applying this to your own life
Now certainly all of what I’ve presented thus far has a personal development and business slant behind it, but can you see how maybe this stuff could also pertain to your own life? Your happiness? Achieving your own goals? Losing those last 10 pounds? Finally running that 5K race? And yes, even recovering and healing from infidelity?
I firmly believe that your attitude has a huge impact on every aspect of your life.
One of the business bloggers I follow recently challenged his readers…
To show you the true power of your attitude in all aspects of life, I want to set you a challenge. Just for the next seven days, I want you to be the most positive person you know.
No matter what happens, I want you to try and view everything in a positive light. To find the silver lining in every experience. See how often you can catch yourself with negative emotions when there is a much better alternative. “
This is one of the things I have to work on much more myself and I certainly will, because I know how beneficial a practice it is.
Only when you put the responsibility of your results solely on your own shoulders will you give yourself the best chance of achieving them.
Can you see how this might be beneficial when it comes to your own situation? I challenge you to try!
Start writing your own book
I also challenge you to write your own book. Just for you.
Imagine for a second that our brains have a very limited capacity when it comes to retaining anything we read.
The capacity is so limited that by the time you’re on the third Harry Potter book, every subsequent chapter you read overwrites your memory of the beginning chapters of the first book. If this were the reality for the human brain, what would you find yourself reading most often? Cosmopolitan or The Art & Science of Love?
Fortunately our brain capacity is not so limited, but I like to sometimes think of it in this way as a reminder to control the input sources which affect my thinking, habits and ultimately, my life.
This is one of the main reasons I wrote this book for myself a couple of years ago.
My book contains what I believe to be the most important advice I can follow, and the most important things I can do, in order to reach my own personal definition of being successful – in business and in life. While it’s not something I could ever sell or release publicly – it’s written in a very personal manner.
Now, I certainly don’t read this book daily because I don’t need to. I’ve read it enough times to be able to repeat almost every word aloud without looking at it.
Yet there are times where perhaps things aren’t going my way and work isn’t progressing as I would like, that I need a little ‘pick me up’. This book reminds me that I’m on the right path, encourages me to keep going, and includes a few other important messages which I genuinely believe to be true.
Zig Ziglar, one of the most recognized names in business and leadership, recommended that people who purchase his motivational tapes listen to them at least 16 times. That may not sound too extreme until you realize I heard this while half-way through a 7-hour recording!
While listening to 7 hours of information more than 16 times may sound a little ridiculous – it did to me when I first heard him say it – I later understood his point. Listening to something so much means not only that you can finish most of his sentences, but the content literally spreads through your entire being and belief system.
And that’s the important point I want to get to before you just start writing anything in your book (if you’re going to do it at all).
You must believe what you’re reading or hearing.
If there are some aspects in Zig’s message for example that you don’t quite follow or relate to, then you probably shouldn’t listen to it again, never-mind 16 times.
Your book should be made up of the disciplines, action steps and truths about love, work and life that you – and you alone – believe will help you achieve whatever it is you want to achieve.
The single reason why I wrote a book just for myself was because I wanted everything I believed to be true in one place, for times when I doubted what I was doing or believed.
It doesn’t matter if anyone else agrees with them. If you believe them, that’s all that counts.
So go and start writing your book – for you – and then don’t forget to read it!
Healing and thriving is an active process, it is a choice, and best of all, it is in your power. But how do you get past the anger and despair and on the path to healing?
Is there a system or “hack” that can guide you?
There is, and that’s exactly what this program is all about…
11 replies to "Write Your Own Book"
A whole week of being positive……that’s just crazy, I’ll be lucky if I can manage an hour. Just kidding. Lots to think about with this post, Doug. I do agree that attitude is huge. There has been a shift in my thinking over the last couple of months and I do believe much has to do with attitude.
I can actually hear this message now……….it’s a little over two years past D-day. But if I were reading this right after d-day I wouldn’t be able to take it in. So for anyone that has just experienced D-day you are probably too traumatized to even consider attitude. It’s taken me two very painful years to where I can finally even think about the silver lining or see some sunshine through the clouds.
I will think about this challenge though….hmm, I might even try it.
Good point, SI. I probably should have mentioned that this was probably for those who are further along. Though I suppose it’s possible it could work for some who are just after D-day. Thanks for sharing!
This is a good post. I think Shifting made a good point. Being 2 years past DDay can make a huge difference (as time heals all wounds as the saying goes).
When I was 3 weeks past DDay and my H was about to leave I was ready to just throw in the towel but my therpist kept saying to me it can be overcome and you can survive this. And if two people really want it the marriage can be saved.
It took 6 agonizing months before my H came out of the fog, stopped cheating and cut all ties with the OW. There were always glimmers of hope after DDay2.
Now it is hard to have any positive thoughts during that time. Thank goodness my therpist kept me sane and rational.
But that little inner voice has the power to uplift you or destroy you depending upon the moment.
I keep a journal. And 2016 will be all positive for me. That is my commitment to me. ?
Thanks TFW. I think it’s great that you are making a commitment to yourself like that.
I have 2 note books of information, quotes, and my feelings when going thru my ex husbands affair/ divorce. I haven’t looked at them recently because the pain and anger came back, hurt too much.
Now I think I could and shake my head at this creature that I was drawn too and seriously don’t know how I stayed with. Writing my book will help for me I’m sure. Therapy and peace.
I enjoy who I am now. I Don’t feel the stress that I lived with for many years. The nasty comments . The egg shells were swept out the door when he left.
I look forward to the day I can write my book for me. Or perhaps to be published.
I have had to be in the same room with the sperm donor and he looks quite worn. Hunched over like he has the world on his shoulders and with a drawn face. His hair quite grey as he stated while we we married that was my fault. Of course it was, wasn’t everything?
My book would be titled “Fifty Shades of Guilt”.
It’s been over five years since my affair was discovered and for my wife, it’s as though D day was this morning.
She doesn’t know how to stop the pain. I’ve not been much help because, against all the rules, for five years I covered up two important pieces of information that I recently came clean on. Coming clean did not increase trust at all. It only confirmed that until I can’t stand it anymore, I can lie and cover up the truth.
I want my wife to be my friend, to accept me as I am and to trust me. Being faithful now is not hard at all. What is hard is living with the fact that during the affair I looked forward to being a cheating, lying husband. How could I have been so cruel, so stupid? Moreover, during the affair I was teaching Sunday school and a men’s group leader. How’s that for hypocrisy?
Today I am doing all I can to be what I want to be: a loving, faithful husband. It’s not hard for me but is sure is hard for my wife to believe that what I’m doing is real and not an act. Who can blame her? I’ve always appeared to be a loving, faithful husband.
The thing I am struggling with is guilt. I am angry with myself for what I have done and that anger gets in the way of compassion for my wife.
Until I can deal with my past, writing about my future and my wife’s future seems futile. Any helpful ideas would be appreciated.
50 shade,
Didn’t you think of what an affair would do to your wife? Was it a mid life crisis? We’re you in am affair fog? If yes what did it feel like.
I honestly can’t imagine having an affair.
You have to some how make your wife believe that she means the world to you.
Her heart was broken and it hurt like no other. You chose someone else over her. Her self esteem was knocked down to the ground and stepped on over and over again.
I hope she was able to get help or both of you for that matter.
How long were you married? Do you have children?
50 shade,
I am not a year out from my first dday. And 5 months from dday two. I will say that the actions and decisions of my husband are terrible but as everyone says it is the lies. And what has set me back is the hiding of details when I was told by him he would tell me the truth. I do not mean too much details more like when did it start and how many times were you with each woman. And to lie about that and treat me if I was crazy for asking about these details over and over was not good at all.
I feel like the biggest gift I have given my husband is this second chance. But he did set us back. It is really hard for me to forgive and trust him again after the second dday. I wonder every day has he told me the real truth.
I have asked him for patience. He has admitted that he does not want to talk about any of it. He is doing a great job in the present but we need to deal with his past choices and lies for me to be willing to stay in our marriage. I also have asked to have one time a week we talk for a set time. We choose it every Sunday since each week is different. This is a time just us, no kids or distractions. We can talk about anything. I have lots of things to cover. But if we talk about it all at once it is too much and I need time to process. Also sometimes it is about our marriage or current relationship. This week it was about cell phone use and boundaries. I feel better about myself. I am not holding as much in and by setting the time I don’t have to worry about when to talk. And I don’t want to bring stuff up each day not great for our marriage.
What has helped me a lot is my husband writing his feelings and thoughts down. His texts, phone calls, notes. When I am not expecting them makes an even bigger impact. He is putting us as his first priority and I can feel that. It will take me a long time but as I said the 10 years he messed up allows me time to get better. I do try to be positive and I want to be happy and make the most of it. Good luck and I hope you guys can work everything out.
I am sorry you are in this situation. Further evidence that when the BS asks got the truth you should give it. As bad as it is you have one opportunity to come lean and show you are willing to be truthful and honest. This is where most fail.
So can I ask a question. I have asked my H why he had an affair and he says he really doesn’t know. Our marriage was good. Thought we were both happy blah blah blah.
So why did you have an affair? Please be honest. It could help so many betrayed spouses. Was it just there and available? Would live to know.
Thanks.
PS my H was turning 50 and I guess mid life crisis. He says now he would tell anyone thinking of having an affair not to do it. He really had no idea the damage it causes.
Also what makes the cheater suddenly want their spouse back? I would love an honest answer to that too.
A quote I love says “never let someone else hold the pen to your story”.
I am determined not to let the idiocy of husband and whore’s historical rewrite be the final chapter. I am working every day to recapture who I was, while understanding there is also very much a new woman inside of me. I have to come to accept that I will never trust quite as easily. I will never have the same blind faith and optimism. And that is perfectly FINE. This is the year of rediscovering some things. During the affair I was basically a stepford wife, trying to be so perfect and meet his every need. Baffled by the criticism he was slinging my way. After d-day, I was a numb wreck. The true me lies somewhere in the middle ground.
Those are great thoughts. I think somewhere in uou is some of the old you (the good stuff) and the NEW you that emerges as a result of the affair and cruelty.
I know for me I do put myself first sometimes. I also have a zero tolerance for things, especially lying. My kids suffer for that but who put me in that place? My H did for lying about the affairs, stonewalling me about the first EA 20 years ago, continuing to lie after the affair came to light about the details and facts.
So now there is a new me. Not a doormat for anyone.
I think that is what happens after we confront the CS head on. We emerge from the shadows a different person in some respects.