Why do cheaters get angry when caught? Uncover the surprising psychological reasons behind their reactions and learn how to navigate this challenging situation.
By Linda and Doug
One aspect of affair recovery that many people find bewildering is the anger displayed by the cheating partner when they’re caught.
It seems counterintuitive – why would they be angry when they’re the ones who did wrong? Let’s unpack this a bit and try to understand the reasons behind this anger.
When a person is caught cheating, their reaction can often include anger. This might seem confusing or unfair to the person who has been betrayed. Understanding the reasons behind this anger can provide some clarity:
First, there’s Guilt and Shame.
When cheaters are caught, they often feel a deep sense of guilt and shame. These emotions can be overwhelming and difficult to process. Instead of expressing these feelings directly, they might lash out in anger as a way to deflect their own uncomfortable emotions. Imagine it like this: they’re carrying a load of guilt and shame so heavy that, instead of admitting to it, they deflect. Anger becomes a shield, protecting them from their own feelings of remorse.
Then there’s the Fear of Consequences.
Being caught cheating brings a host of potential consequences, such as the end of the relationship, damage to their reputation, and the impact on their family and social life. This fear can manifest as anger as they struggle to cope with the reality of their actions. This fear can quickly turn into anger, a way to push back against the impending fallout.
Another big factor is Loss of Control.
Cheating can be about control and having a secret part of their life that they manage. When they are caught, they lose this control, and the situation is no longer in their hands. This loss of control can lead to feelings of frustration and anger. Cheating involves having a secret life, a part of their existence they control completely. Getting caught strips them of this control, and the frustration from this loss often erupts as anger.
Defense Mechanism also plays a role.
Anger can be a defense mechanism. By getting angry, the cheater might be trying to shift the blame or avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It’s a way to protect themselves from facing the full extent of their wrongdoing. We’ve seen this firsthand with friends and through our own experiences. It’s not about justifying the anger but understanding where it comes from. Knowing these reasons can help in dealing with it and moving forward.
Exposure and Vulnerability are another piece of the puzzle.
Being caught cheating exposes their vulnerabilities and imperfections. The anger can stem from feeling exposed and having their private actions brought to light. This can be particularly jarring if they were trying to maintain a certain image or facade. When a cheater is exposed, their vulnerabilities and imperfections are laid bare. This can be particularly jarring if they were trying to maintain a certain image or facade.
What about Cognitive Dissonance?
Cheaters often experience cognitive dissonance, where their actions are in conflict with their self-image or beliefs. This internal conflict can create significant psychological discomfort, and anger can be a way to reconcile these conflicting feelings. This internal conflict can create significant psychological discomfort, and anger can be a way to reconcile these conflicting feelings.
Anger after Infidelity – 8 Strategies for Dealing with an Angry Partner
More reasons why the cheaters get angry when caught:
There are several additional reasons why a cheater might react with anger when caught. Let’s dive into a few more:
Embarrassment:
Being caught cheating can be extremely embarrassing, especially if others find out. The cheater might react angrily as a way to mask their embarrassment and save face. Imagine being caught in the act and having your secret life exposed; it’s a humiliating experience, and anger becomes a shield to protect their ego.
Loss of Fantasy:
Cheating often involves living out a fantasy that’s separate from the everyday reality of a committed relationship. When caught, this fantasy is shattered. The cheater might become angry because they’re forced to confront the consequences of their actions, losing the escapism they enjoyed.
Narcissistic Traits:
Yes, if the cheater has narcissistic tendencies, they might react with anger because their self-image is threatened. Narcissists often struggle with criticism and may lash out when their flaws are exposed. They might view being caught as an attack on their character and respond defensively and aggressively.
Entitlement:
Some cheaters feel entitled to have affairs and become angry when they’re caught because they believe they shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions. This sense of entitlement can fuel their anger, making them feel unjustly targeted even though they’re the ones at fault.
Changing Places: When the Wayward Spouse Identifies as the Victim
Projection:
The cheater might project their own negative feelings and guilt onto their partner, becoming angry as a way to deflect attention from their own wrongdoing. It’s a classic case of blaming others to avoid facing their own guilt and shame.
Denial:
Anger can be a part of denial. The cheater might be unwilling to accept the reality of being caught and uses anger as a way to push back against the truth. It’s a way to avoid facing the full extent of their actions and the resulting consequences.
Fear of Exposure:
If the affair involves other secrets or lies, the cheater might fear further exposure of their deceitful behavior. This fear can manifest as anger as they try to control the situation and prevent additional fallout.
Loss of Benefits:
Cheaters often enjoy certain benefits from their affair, such as excitement, validation, or sexual gratification. Being caught means losing these benefits, which can lead to anger and frustration. They’re upset because they’re no longer able to indulge in these perks without consequences.
Lack of Accountability:
Some cheaters have never been held accountable for their actions and react with anger because they’re not used to facing consequences. It’s a shock to their system, and anger is their go-to response.
Feeling Trapped:
When caught, the cheater might feel trapped in a corner with no easy way out. This feeling of being trapped can lead to anger as a defensive reaction. They’re lashing out because they don’t know how else to cope with the pressure.
Understanding these additional reasons can further illuminate the complex emotional responses involved in infidelity, helping both partners navigate the difficult process of affair recovery. By recognizing these patterns, you can better manage the situation and take meaningful steps towards healing and rebuilding trust.
What Should a Betrayed Spouse Do When Their Cheating Spouse Gets Angry When Caught?
Navigating the aftermath of discovering infidelity is challenging enough, but dealing with an angry cheating partner can add another layer of complexity. If your spouse reacts with anger when caught, it’s essential to handle the situation with care and strategic thinking. Here are some key steps to take:
Stay Calm and Composed:
One of the hardest things to do in the face of anger is to remain calm. But it’s crucial. Responding with anger will only escalate the situation. Take deep breaths, and try to stay as composed as possible. This will help you think more clearly and avoid saying something you might regret later.
Set Boundaries:
It’s important to establish boundaries right away. Let your partner know that while you’re willing to discuss what happened, their anger and aggression are not acceptable. You deserve to have a conversation without feeling threatened or attacked. You might say, “I understand you’re upset, but we need to talk about this calmly.”
Seek Support:
Don’t try to handle this alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, mentor or therapist for support. They can provide a listening ear, offer advice, and help you navigate your emotions during this difficult time. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can make a world of difference.
Avoid Blame and Accusations:
While it’s natural to feel hurt and angry yourself, try to avoid making accusations or blaming your partner during initial discussions. This can often lead to more defensive reactions and anger. Instead, focus on expressing how their actions have affected you. Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt and betrayed by what happened.”
Take Time to Process:
It’s okay to take a step back and give yourself time to process what’s happened. You don’t have to resolve everything immediately. Sometimes, taking a break from the conversation can help both of you cool down and think more clearly. Let your partner know you need some time and will revisit the discussion later.
Encourage Professional Help:
Suggest seeking professional help, like couples therapy, to work through the issues. A therapist can provide a neutral ground and help facilitate productive conversations. They can also help both of you understand the underlying reasons for the affair and the anger, and guide you toward healing.
Protect Yourself:
If your partner’s anger turns into aggression or threatens your safety, prioritize your well-being. Remove yourself from the situation and seek help if necessary. Your safety is paramount, and no discussion should come at the expense of feeling secure.
Communicate Your Needs:
Clearly communicate what you need from your partner moving forward. Whether it’s transparency, time, space, or professional help, let them know what will help you in the healing process. Be honest about your expectations and boundaries.
Focus on Self-Care:
Dealing with infidelity and an angry partner is draining. Make sure to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy, and give yourself permission to feel and process your emotions.
Conclusion
Dealing with the anger of a cheating partner when they are caught is undeniably difficult. Understanding the root causes of their anger – whether it’s guilt, shame, fear, or a defense mechanism – can provide a clearer picture of the emotional dynamics at play. By recognizing these patterns, you gain insight that can help you manage the situation more effectively.
Remember, it’s essential to stay calm, set boundaries, and seek support. Don’t be afraid to take time to process your emotions and encourage professional help if needed. Protecting yourself and focusing on your own well-being is paramount. Infidelity is a challenging hurdle, but with the right approach and support, it’s possible to navigate the storm and work towards healing and recovery.
Stay strong and take care of yourself, knowing that clarity and understanding are crucial steps towards rebuilding trust and finding a path forward.
How We Can Help You
Dealing with a cheating partner who reacts with anger can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. If you find yourself struggling to navigate this difficult situation (or anything else), mentoring with either of us can provide the support and guidance you need.
We’ve been helping individuals and couples manage the complex emotions and reactions that arise after infidelity since 2009. We understand the challenges of dealing with an angry partner and can offer practical strategies to help you stay calm, set boundaries, and move forward constructively.
Take the first step towards regaining control and finding clarity. Reserve a mentoring session today: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/mentoring/
11 replies to "Why Do Cheaters Get Angry When Caught? Here are 16 Reasons"
It all sounds so reasonable and makes complete sense…..except for the fact that it’s sort of like asking a person that is laying in a pool of blood on the floor after being shot to manage their shooter’s anger. I know that sounds terribly dramatic but the shock of discovering that the person you trusted most in the whole world could consistently lie and deceive you cuts one to the core of their very being.
In my experience it’s only much much farther along in the process that the BS is able to find any sort of understanding or ability to manage the CS’s anger. Even ten years after my own personal D-day I find it somewhat difficult to find that understanding.
So another great article. I resolved myself to the fact that some of my questions will just never be answered however today reading this, 13 years past the event, you’ve answered one. Thank you Doug.
Here’s my story that’s haunted me for years. I remember the exact day and time he lashed out at me and I’ve always shook my head at his outburst as a “WTF just happened” moment and just how stupid is he?!?
He’d come over to see the dogs. He wasn’t allowed in the house by court order. As he was standing in the yard about 15 feet from the back door with the dogs where i was standing he screamed I’M NOT GOING TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!! lol. I said fine, don’t and took the dogs and walked back in. I was gobsmacked! I thought what the heck?? Ok you want a divorce after 35 plus years with little to no explanation? Guess what Pal you’re not just divorcing me but your whole business., your whole life as you know it.
My name was on EVERYTHING. Our assets were wholly intwined in his business. We divorce at my age he had to know I’d be getting more than half and liquidation of those assets would happen. The bank would have immediately called in his operating loans. He knew i had the best aggressive lawyer money could buy. Why on earth would he risk alienating ME? Why on earth would he at least keep his cool and agree to MC for a while and then still stick to the fact he wanted a divorce? Along with the help of a MC to convince me?? He was so mad he was going to show me I was NOT the boss of him lol! And yes his fantasy by that time had become his living hell. Also his anger came from the point he KNEW by then that actually all the balls were in my court legally and financially. He was screwed and he did it to himself. I waited a couple days and contacted my lawyer telling him do not hold back. Hire a forensic accountant immediately before he could hide any more assets. He got that info a couple weeks later and he agreed to MC.
So yes he was angry for all the reasons in the article. His house of cards had fallen and he saw what his future was. We are still together although there are times still i wished I’d have divorced him. I’ve learned to live with my choice in life and it’s ok. Good even… sometimes lol.
Wow! It’s great to hear from two of my favorite “old timers!” Thanks SI and TH for your wisdom as usual.
Been reading through this website for nearly 10 years. I never thought I would find myself commenting on one of these articles. Post d-day 10 years ago with her cheating about 12 years ago, the anger is still so fresh in my mind. However, I would dole it right back at her and in the end she would shut down. Still to this day, I get trickle truth here and there. This past holiday was the most recent. We both work full time and have a business as well. Finding relaxing time is sparce at best, let alone trying to deal with this.
A trickle came to light which actually set ME off. She did listen and let me vent, which is something that did not happen in the past. I feel that the light may be finally making its way in. Over the years I’ve fought fear, depression, rage (towards the OM), health issues, and more. My bucket is full. I don’t know how much more I can take, but I do see that it is consoling to see that others survive this journey that we should never have to go on.
The days are good, better, and bad. The tide builds and recedes. I know this mountainous journey will never end but slowly become more of a flatland Prarie with smaller peaks and valleys. And one day maybe it will open up to the field of dreams we all wish for.
Enough— So simply speaking for myself i do find anger arises in myself from time to time when his betrayal comes to mind. What bothers me is my anger when he does something thoughtless or mean totally unrelated to the betrayal. The anger with him stays at the surface and i am working hard to quell that. I’ve also found I’ve got way less tolerance for others who betray me. It’s like no more second chances for anyone. I used to be the master sparkler and always gave the benefit of the doubt to people. That’s changed totally.
I’ve found that detaching from the situation and doing radical acceptance as being the most helpful. Radically accepting that betrayal happened but I am the one responsible for my current situation of staying with a person who did this to me. And trust me it was bad on many levels. So I accept there’s good things in this relationship and bad things that go hand in hand. I’m sure I’d have felt the same had i divorced.
So is it great now. Emphatically no. Is it good now? Most times yes but i do not allow myself to wallow in victimhood. As for his anger i see it sometimes but it’s difficult to judge if it’s coming from a place that he recalls how good it was with his AP. I don’t think so. I think he just wants to be a jerk sometimes 😂😂❤️
Aww so nice of you to say, Doug. TH is absolutely one of my favorites!!!
SI— back at you sister ❤️. I had a similar moment at a friend’s funeral. The minister was raving about their great marriage and how his widow was the love of his life. I thought jeez they won’t be able to say that at my H funeral without people saying or thinking “Yeah right”
. The sad thing about history is it’s never in the past
I find it interesting that all who have commented on this particular post are several years in on their recovery journeys, including myself of 5 years this month. (Thank you for providing a platform for the long years of healing.)
As the betrayed spouse in a marriage that has remained intact post infidelity, hideously and miraculously at times, I am no stranger to anger. I have seen it rear its ugly head for likely all the reasons mentioned in this list, plus probably a few more uniquely related to my husband’s own personality and experiences for pizazz.
Anger is not an emotion I tap into often. It never has been. I do not enjoy it or seek it. It has been unavoidable as my husband and a poorly-chosen stranger nearly destroyed my family. However, exactly like the spouses alluded to in this post, my husband has been the one in an angry rage for all these years surrounding his affair.
I will get over not being allowed to have a hissy fit or a well-provoked tantrum—in essence, not having my right to be angry be acknowledged and validated—as I have higher goals and am haunted by aspects of the affair other than anger.
What concerns me at this stage is the permanence of his anger. The affair has been dead for years. Anger has become his scarlet letter. It is becoming his defining characteristic. Cheating changes a person. It is as if it unleashed a Pandora’s box of malicious thoughts and irrational anger that impede his relationships with everyone, not just me.
I, too, have had to find myself outside of being “the Mrs” and all that goes with it; truly my sense of self revolved around my identity as a wife. I pray we will stay united, but I am more emotionally prepared than I once thought possible if we do not.
It is interesting that after all these years I can still be hit with emotions unexpectedly, that I thought I was finished with. It happened just a few weeks ago. We were at event where my husband received an award. Everyone in the association couldn’t say enough kind words about my husband….and yes it was a well deserved award. But for me my heart cried out….how can someone who does so much good, have hurt me so badly??? I felt anger but underneath the anger there was pain. He ALMOST BROKE ME….all those years ago, So for the next few weeks whenever I was alone….there were tears. I thought there were no more tears to cry….I guess I was wrong.
Shifting Impressions, I have felt the same thing. How can someone who does so much good have hurt me so badly? I feel angry when there is some trigger but also pain underneath that anger.
No one would believe my WS would cheat. Pretty much everyone adores her. She does good things and is well-respected. She says she has always loved me (even while cheating). I ask myself why she would choose to hurt me if she loved/loves me?
She exposed her cheating to me 30 years after it happened because she felt guilty and ashamed and wanted to feel better about herself. She also told me she had decided our marriage was over anyway, so what did it matter if she hurt me? In fact, she said she hoped I would be so angry I would divorce her and then our marriage failure would be my fault and not hers because she cheated. When I showed her compassion instead of anger, she said she remembered that she liked me (something she told me she had forgotten when she had been ignoring our marriage and building up resentment over the years) and decided after several months not to leave me. Our marriage is better but she still gets angry at me and lashes out to hurt me. I feel anger that I am the one she hurt and will sometimes still hurt even though she says she loves me and always has.
Scott4, when friends and family found out about my Ex cheating, they were shocked to say the least. I don’t know how they live with themselves and probably never will. My Ex was a cheat for at least 24 years of our 34 year marriage. He was also a very personable person and knew the right things to say for whatever the situation was, especially when it came to what he wanted things to appear to be. He knew from the start of our relationship that honesty was the basis of a good relationship and agreed. Since he knew this was how I saw things, lip service and keeping the peace was his way. He did what he wanted, when he wanted as it turned out. Lies and deception were his mantra in reality, as it turned out. Why be honest when a good lie will keep the peace. Bottom line, he couldn’t seem to tell the truth. After another year and a half after D-Day he was still lying even about little things, this indicated to me he had no intentions of being honest, which indicated the marriage was not worth saving for him. I decided it was time to set him free so he could live in his native environment with fellow liars though he said he didn’t want a divorce. I have to say it was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I moved away from the area and cut all ties with him. He still tries every now and then to get in touch with me through friends and family, luckily they honor my wishes. Sometimes you have to watch the actual behavior and realize what’s really going on.