By Sarah P.
This is a post that I have waited for a long time to write. It’s about what happens when a wife marries the other man. Now that the person in question is out of a circle of coworkers for good, I am ready to write it. I will refer to this man as “Jerry” and to his wife as “Flo.”
This is a story about a real couple and what happens in real life when the other man “wins” a woman who is married to someone else. (Hint: The other man actually loses BIG TIME).
I have heard about Jerry’s life for the past seven years and my eye-rolls got bigger with each story. The first time I heard about Jerry, who was entering his late 50’s at the time, it was that Jerry was on probation.
You see, Jerry had a very big drinking problem. When Jerry had a broken heart, he would drink so much, that he wouldn’t wake up for work on time. One might feel sorry for Jerry if he were a nice and unassuming bachelor who happened to meet one bad date after the next, but this was not the case.
Jerry had met a married woman at church, Flo, twenty years prior who Jerry could not forget. When I first heard Jerry’s name, he was in the throes of carrying on a ten-year affair with Flo, who had been married for years.
Jerry was convinced that Flo was his soulmate.
Jerry’s mood would leap or sink depending on whether or not Flo had decided to leave her husband permanently for Jerry OR whether Flo had decided to return to her husband permanently.
Surprisingly, both men competed with each other for a fierce 15 years until Jerry “won” Flo. Flo got divorced because her minister reminded her hundreds of times that Christians do not have affairs.
Well, Flo perceived herself to be the best Christian to walk the earth, so she divorced her husband and left for Jerry and remarried. Now she is the best Christian on earth again. Yay! (I am being sarcastic).
Why Did Flo Choose Jerry?
In short, Jerry had more money and Jerry saw this bottom-of-the-barrel Flo as a pristine Goddess. Flo divorced her husband and eloped with Jerry. I have no idea what either man saw in Flo because she looked like a tanned, mummified, old buzzard wearing a wig.
The only thing I can say about Flo is that she was in somewhere in Jerry’s age group. Maybe?
I do not think Flo could have been been even ten years younger than Jerry. However, years of hard-drinking, drugging, and tanning beds can do strange things to a person’s appearance. So can immoral behavior.
So, what did Jerry have that Flo’s husband did NOT have? Jerry had money and Jerry has NO boundaries whatsoever and appears to enjoy Flo’s abuse.
Married Bliss
Right after Jerry got married, all of his adult children stopped talking to him.
You see, they told their dad a hundred times that Flo was using him. Flo did not like this and so she caused so much conflict that his children went no contact.
But, that was okay, because Flo had a family of her own. Flo had elderly parents, brothers, sisters, and cousins.
And Jerry had a very large house that had been paid off. So it was, Flo moved in her elderly parents, her brothers, sisters, and cousins.
That was more than Jerry had anticipated and pretty soon he could no longer afford life. Jerry ended up working twenty-seven days a month to pay his bills. It’s not easy to support a family of many adult moochers.
Pretty soon Jerry, who was in his early 60’s, was starting to feel burnt out by working nearly everyday of the month. He wanted to cut back, but that made Flo unhappy because she wanted him to support her adult, large family.
Flo also wanted big vacations. No, this woman who hailed from the trailer park would not accept a vacation that would be more than reasonable for an upper middle-class family. No, she wanted the type of vacation the wealthy of the world took.
But, where on earth would that money come from?
Jerry’s retirement of course!
And so, sixty-something Jerry started to cash out retirement stocks to take Flo on very expensive trips.
Why didn’t Jerry say “no?”
Well, because then Flo would contact her ex-husband and cry. Jerry made his bed in hell with Flo and Jerry was determined to keep that bed in hell hot.
Eventually, after three years of working twenty-seven days a month, then taking a month off to take Flo on a trip for the wealthy, then coming back to work, then drinking, Jerry got fired.
He kept arriving for work late or sleeping through half the workday.
Uh oh… where would the money come from?
A New Job
Well, Jerry was told he was too old to work in his normal profession. Yes, this is unfortunately real and very sad.
But, even though Jerry is in his 60’s, somehow he got a civilian medical job in Afghanistan. Soon, Jerry will leave for Afghanistan and he will work on the battle field for three months straight and only have one month home. That means that he will only see his wife for a total of three months for each year.
And anyone with a brain knows that someone on the frontline in Afghanistan may not come home.
Flo told Jerry it would only make sense to sign ALL assets and the house over to her, since he may not come home. And Jerry thought that made sense too. If Jerry dies, his own genetic family members will have no access to his assets or even his home.
Imagine an adult child wants to come in and get family photos. Well, if Jerry is dead, they will have to get past Flo first. Imagine the adult children want something that used to belong to their biological mother. Well, Flo, will probably throw that out before his adult children have a chance to find it.
Who will do the funeral if Jerry dies?
Will Flo call the adult children and tell them to pay for it? Or will Flo donate Jerry’s body to medical science and never tell his adult children at all?
I do not know about you, but this is not looking good for Jerry or his adult children.
Did Jerry Win?
I do not think so! I have no idea what Jerry tells other people, but I would say Jerry lost big time. I would say it stinks to be Jerry.
I hope that Flo’s ex-husband has not lost any sleep over Flo. I have no idea what power Flo wields over men, because I just do not see it.
Why do women do this?
Here is an opinion by Jackie Pilossoph:
Every story is different but what I’ve noticed in my life is this happens too often: People who have affairs often try and cover up the dirty business and blame the spouse. It’s defense mechanism, obviously.
It’s a mind-blowingly painful thing for a man to have images of his sweet and loving wife in the throes of passion with another man. To know that the same night they were kissing and reading storybooks to their children, this same “wife” had been out giving a blowjob to her tennis instructor. That she had had him in our home.
The issue with women is this.
They get bored and restless. They don’t know how to maintain the ‘good girl’ image and fulfill their naughty desires with their husbands at the same time. Some married man comes along, pays them attention and compliments, and before you know it they are sexting and talking bad about each other’s spouses, how they were meant for each other, etc. They will do anything and everything to protect their image.
Those of you here in deep affairs know what I am talking about. It’s a real corruption of the soul and really just fueled by lust and soul mate feelings, all of which pass with time. So many women go through this process because they think their husbands ‘won’t change’ even though they themselves have not made any indication of what the change is.
Women always feel like they are doing everything.. job, kids, home.. and that they deserve to be treated like a queen. Question is.. are you treating your husband like a king? Don’t complain about neglect or lack of romance if your loving husband becomes the ‘boring’ husband during your affair. Affairs reshape the mind, rewrite the history and everything else.
Women often defend women in these cases, and it is really appalling. As if women are the only ones with feelings that count. Or those feelings count the most.
Do right and love the one you are with. You made a commitment, kids need their parents to be whole unit. Don’t leave a marriage just because some of the spark is gone. Put down Eat, Pray, Love and talk to your husband. I mean really talk .. about all the things you’ve always wanted to say but didn’t dare. That is your greatest challenge. Same goes for guys – I’d give them the same advice. Cheating husbands don’t get off the hook.
Be kind to those you love. Life is not just about un-relented passion and joy and feeling ‘alive’. Affairs are a fantasy and even if you wind up with your affair partner, the same stuff will most likely come rolling back down later on. And if you get cheated on, you can’t complain. Be truthful in life. It’s the best policy to harmony and love. And passion. (1)
Well, I guess that could be one explanation. In the end, I think someone like Flo is a sociopathic user who has likely spent many years weighing who was more gullible and who had more money: the answer was Jerry.
Jerry is not special to Flo and if Flo’s husband has any brains at all, he will not take her back while Jerry is in Afghanistan.
I would wager a bet that Flo will either contact her ex-husband or find a new lover while Jerry is in Afghanistan risking his life to make more money for Flo and her adult leeches, also known as relatives.
However, Jerry is no victim here. He is an adult who has made bad choices. I would venture as far as to say Jerry suffers from an untreated mental illness or two, one of them being alcoholism.
I do not wish to post photos of Jerry and Flo, but I cannot imagine why Flo has power over anyone. She is almost a caricature of a human being, both in the stereotypical way she looks and how she harmfully behaves. Flo has a face to match her evil behavior towards others.
A Story on Reddit About Getting Through It
This is a story I found on Reddit and I like the perspective this man has.
“It happened 12 days ago. She came in late again from god knows where. Just another day where I had to take care of the house and my two little girls.
I’ve gotten used to it over the last year.
I finally got up the nerve to ask her. I asked her for the most simple thing I could think of.
A truth. Any truth.
She told me she was now involved with someone. Someone who was her “best friend” for about 10 months. She said it just started. I knew that was a lie, but it didn’t matter.
What she wanted was for me to give up my two little girls. Let them live with her and her new fiance (yeah… they announced their engagement 3 days after breaking the news to me). She wants to take her kids and toys and find greener pastures… According to her it ain’t cheating because we’ve been separated for the last 6 months (i.e. she decided to start sleeping in the living room for no reason given).
What she doesn’t realize is that she awoken something in me over the last year. Leaving me alone to raise our children, maintain the house, and pay the bills. She awoken a damn good father. I’ve always been a provider. Someone who went the extra mile to make sure there was food on the table and a brighter future ahead, but working two jobs and going to school left little chance for fatherhood.
I have that now. Oh whatever gods may be I have that now and I am never… NEVER… giving that up. I have two of the smartest, sweetest little girls and they deserve the best. They deserve every chance to reach for the stars and be the best people they can be. I can’t even express how much better they are than me. Those two want my girls. They want to bring them into their reality. A reality where they are true and virtuous and somehow not lying pieces of filth. That reality would warp my girls. That reality would ruin them.
Over my dead body. I don’t have the words to express my resolve. To guarantee them a future where they can live a life of morality, and good over evil and love, I would drag those two fiends to the depths of hell with me with a goddamn smile on my face.
The paperwork has been signed and filed. As a father, I don’t think I have much of a chance, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t try to my last breath.
My head tells me that I’ll be better off. My head tells me that I’ve done nothing wrong and do not deserve this. My head knows that I’ve done everything humanly possible (including going to marriage counseling sessions alone as she didn’t want to go… in order to find out what I was doing wrong). Everyone around me tells me the same thing.
I wish my heart would fucking listen. I don’t want her back by any means. Somehow, the person I’ve given everything to has turned into a twisted and vile creature who has no remorse or soul.
I’m past that… I think. What is left is a twisted spring of pure anger and hate in my chest. Most of the day I am fine. Most of the day I am goddamn optimistic. Every once in a while… usually in the evening… that spring twists a little to let me know that it is there. I know that spring is near breaking and I am terrified of what will happen if it does.
I’ve been focusing on nothing but my two little girls for a while now. Tomorrow I start counseling sessions. I need to get better. I know it is early in the process, but I have to find a way to move on and forgive. She didn’t want to be here… fine. He didn’t steal anything from me worth anything.
She thinks that I won’t find someone else. She has always seen me as a pushover since I rarely cared about the little things. I always went with the flow.
I’m overweight. I’ve been overweight my whole life, but the last year has really given me a sense of purpose. A reason to fight my past self for my future.
I know I will find love out there again, it will be strong and beautiful, but first, I must become the changes I wish to see in the world. I will become healthy.
My inner beauty will finally radiate outwards for all to see. I’m a good and just person. I am witty and smart. I have a heart brimming with love. I’m just a little broken right now.
I will be better off without her… as long as I have my little girls. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.” (2)
There are many good points in this man’s story and I like his perspective. But, the hidden gem is at the end, “I am the master of my own fate; I am the captain of my soul.”
This is true for all of us. We cannot control what anyone does to us. But, we can control what we do. Indeed, we are the master of our own soul.
10 Tips for Betrayed Men
1) Do NOT suppress your feelings… find a a healthy outlet for them that does NOT cause you to sabotage yourself.
2) Nurture yourself. I do not believe it’s healthy for a man to express only masculine qualities. Get in touch with your feminine side. I tell everyone that we should each have a balance of positive masculine and feminine qualities that we express, whether we are male or female.
3) Don’t go down the road of thinking something is wrong with you. Remember, people choose to cheat and your cheating wife must own her actions.
4) Don’t entertain thoughts that challenge your worth as a man or your worth as a husband.
5) Practice self-care… we ALL need it. Get a massage or sit in a hot bath.
6) Take inventory of your past and your family of origin issues. Look at how they have affected your relationships and your thinking.
7) Write a list of negative things that you have been telling yourself. Then, look at those ideas and challenge them. Are they true or are they rooted in untrue things that other people told you?
8) It hurts when a family falls apart. However, you can be part of the solution during this terrible time instead of part of the problem. Your ex and the other man will be creating issues– while it’s not your job to clean them up, it is your job to shield children from nonsense, to the best of your ability.
9) If you have found yourself with women who are emotionally unavailable or who cheat, ask yourself what draws you to them. Why? We often fall blindly into whatever dysfunctional relationship patterns that are familiar to us. It’s time to get to the root of the dysfunction so you can change the dysfunction.
10) If you have cheated on your wife in the past, then you need to own that you started the betrayal. When a man cheats, some women will cheat as an exit strategy and others will cheat for revenge. However, if you have NEVER cheated on your wife, then you might want to consider letting your wife go because you deserve better. Important clarification: men and women often define cheating differently.
In Summary
This is just one story about a case when the other man “won.” But, in fact, we can see he has been duped; he has NOT won at all – and has found himself in a worse off situation than he has ever imagined.
I wonder if Jerry is realizing that Flo is just waiting for him to get shot in a war zone so that she can lay around all day (metaphorically and literally). But, I do not feel sorry for Jerry. I think he is stupid, but I do NOT feel sorry for him. Jerry is obviously mentally ill on some level, but he does not have to make the most destructive life choices available to someone like him.
I have no idea why he gets off on being used by a buzzard in a wig. Even though it seems irrational to us, Jerry is getting something emotionally out of this masochistic situation. He is someone who likes to hurt and be hurt at the same time. So, there is something wrong with Jerry.
But, he is an adult and he is responsible for his own irrational choices in life.
For anyone who is reading… I do not like to give specific advice because every situation is different. However, if I were a betrayed spouse, I would draw up both a post-nuptial agreement AND speak to attorneys about how to use trusts to protect your heirs (children and grandchildren.)
There are ways to protect assets and I believe it is important to do so. We can only predict our own behavior and we only hold power over ourselves. However, there are designated ways to protect assets with the help of an attorney who works with estate planning. One of my biggest concern is for betrayed spouses to make their futures financially bullet proof and to have all monies locked away so that another person could not get their grubby hands on a betrayed spouse’s assets.
Betrayed men out there…this article was for you. Do you have any questions or thoughts? Do you think Jerry “won” or is Jerry just a sucker? Is Flo’s ex-husband fortunate? What do you think? Does anyone think Jerry will return alive from the Middle-East?
Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings. They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.
Sources:
https://www.divorcedguygrinning.com/woman-leaves-justified-give-soon/
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/2ul96m/my_wife_of_11_years_left_me_for_another_man_and/
Photo:
22 replies to "“Hey There, Can I Use You?” – What Happens When a Wife Marries the Other Man"
Hey guys, a betrayed male spouse – who is about 2 years out from his D-day – contacted me the other day and is interested in establishing communication via email with any other men who are struggling with recovering from their wife’s affair. If this is something that interests you, shoot me an email at https://www.emotionalaffair.org/contact-us/ Thanks!
Just sent you a message via the contact form. I’m more than happy to help.
Thank you sir. I emailed you back as well.
Hi Doug,
That is fantastic news that a male, betrayed spouse has contacted you and is interested in speaking with other men who are struggling. Talking to someone else in the same or similar situation is the best way to heal.
To everyone out there…
This article may not have resonated with you and that’s cool. But, I hope it gave you a peek into what marriages are like when someone “wins” a married person. (Wink, wink). They actually lose. No matter what so-called happiness people who marry affair partners project to the outside world using Facebook, the inside of the marriage is always a mess. It never works out when two people willing to do abominable things divorce and marry each other. They are metaphorically like armed bank robbers. They each have to sleep with an eye open knowing their partner in crime could run off with the loot if they let their guard down. If two untrustworthy people marry each other because they had an affair with each other, they are in for a type of hell they never could have imagined. It may not take a year, but it will happen.
Please note: I put these folks in an entirely different group than people who are not divorcing and who are reconciling their marriage.
A person who is willing to leave the affair partner and reconcile with their betrayed spouse has nothing in common with a person who divorces a betrayed spouse and marries the affair partner.
I needed to clarify that.
The person who divorces their spouse and marries the affair partner is on the personality disorder spectrum. And this is not a type of person who could maintain a healthy marriage under any circumstance.
A person who makes a mistake by having an affair, breaks it off with the affair partner, and reconciles with their spouse is a totally different person. This type of person has insight, has a conscience, and has the ability to attempt to repair damage.
But beyond that… what is everyone dealing with this week?
Sarah
PS- If anyone is fuzzy on Flo and Jerry’s timeline, it went like this: they happened to meet at a large church over twenty years ago. About 15 years ago Jerry decided he liked Flo and started to hit on her and that eventually led to an emotional affair. Then, for 10 years they had an active, physical affair where Flo would go back and forth to her husband. Her husband always begged to have her come back (only God knows why) and felt he would die without Flo. Eventually she chose Jerry and her ex is still alive. Hopefully he finds someone better. I have no idea what these two men see in Flo; I think she is a master manipulator that is so adept at manipulating that these men forget their are other and BETTER options. Flo is NOT an attractive human being on any level.
Sarah P,
My husband stayed with me and is no longer involved with the OW but only because SHE broke it off with him, and as far as I know, kept the no contact firmly. ( I have kept contact with her husband and he swears up and down that she has stuck to her guns and hasn’t contacted mine ever again. I believe her husband; mine? Not so much). So. Would you think that my husband is a better person than the guy who leaves the wife for the OW because he didn’t get to leave me and go finally meet the OW in person? HE didn’t choose to break it off with her, SHE did. If she hadn’t, I’m positive they would still be going at it because he INTENDED to leave me for her, even if he couldn’t make it a permanent relationship as she is still raising young children and didn’t fancy doing so without her kids’ father in the picture…..this is why I feel like a “consolation prize” and so insecure of his real reasons for staying with me……Do you think that he could potentially cheat on me again with this same OW if she crooked her finger at him and contacts him again? He has steadfastly refused to give me his passwords to any of his devices or email accounts; he claims that he can’t be kept in a bubble and managed as a little kid because he is 56 years old and he is an adult and he can’t be treated as a child. I call bull crap on him, but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt the restoration process by being pig-headed on this issue also……any advice?
Kittypone,
I think this all depends if you think people can change or not. I think anything a wayward spouse says or does while in an affair is not reality. They are in that fog or whatever you want to call it. There are things my husband said even after dday he has no memory of and he is horrified he said them. I think he was honestly in survival mode. I do not believe he meant to be hurtful or cause harm but he was used to pushing the limits, white lies and telling himself whatever he had to in order to get through the day.
For me I knew I wanted to give my all towards giving him a second chance. It has been hard at times and easy sometimes. I was very specific about boundaries and expectations. I sat back and watched if his actions matched is words/promises. And as far as cheating again I will never say never. Anything is possible. No amount of checking in and tracking someone can stop them. With technology these days anything can be easily accomplished.
This is just what I experienced. Hearing that he will not give you access to his devices or accounts is a red flag to me. And him saying he should not be treated like a child is his new reality. My therapist said point blank that I gave my husband 100% trust and freedom and he threw that away the day he cheated. Now it is what I need and want especially in the beginning if I even wanted to consider staying or trusting him again. And the new reality is things will never go back to the way they were. My husband says he never wants to go back to that. He loves falling asleep without a worry. If I pick up his phone he has nothing to hide.
And as far as hurting the recovery process I think concerns you are raising are major. For me there were certain things I needed otherwise I was “stuck”. My therapist was amazing in helping me sort through all of this and knowing when to put my foot down and knowing when to just let it go.
Kittypone
No one can predict the future…..I suppose it is a possibility that any of our partners could cheat again. I tried to stay focus on what is true today.
I don’t think asking for what you need is being pigheaded…..whatever that might be. It’s can become a real stumbling block to recovery when they refuse. For me, my husband refused to go to counseling with me…..nothing would sway him!!! We simply can’t make them do what they don’t want to do. The only control we have is our own reaction. Only you set what your “bottom line’ is. I decided it wasn’t a deal breaker but I found it extremely hurtful on his part…..and have told him so.
My bottom line was….no contact with OW and that he only stay if he really WANTED TO BE WITH ME!!! I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO ME ANY FAVOURS……I deserve to be someone that wants to be with me, I refuse to settle for anything less.
Only you know what you are willing to live with and what you will absolutely not accept!
Hopeful/Shifting Impressions
Thank you……your advise is very sound and realistic…..I think where I am stuck is in his lack of validation of my brokenness because of his actions……he hasn’t shown any brokenness or true remorse to me for what he did….IF he apologizes he always says something like “sorry if I hurt you”…..like, dude!!! You don’t KNOW that you hurt me? You’re UNSURE of the hurt you caused me??? “Sorry for everything that has happened”…..like….oh? You had NO PART in anything that has happened in our marriage the last two years? You are THAT removed from the trauma YOU caused ME?!?!? I see how it is….as long as he doesn’t acknowledge how HARD he hurt me because of HIS SELFISHNESS, I don’t see how we can truly turn the page and move on….,:(
Kittypone
I agree that is a hard one……it’s hard to move towards forgiveness when they don’t really understand or should I say refuse to understand the pain they have caused. In order for them to get in touch with the pain they caused they have to face what they did……I don’t think they like to acknowledge that side of themselves.
Kittypone, I agree I think this is a legitimate stumbling block. I totally understand how this would be a road block to recovery. Have you seen a therapist? Sorry if you have mentioned it before, hard to keep up with everyone’s details. For me the therapist guided me but also provided the confidence to stand strong. After years of gaslighting it became habit for my husband. He minimized everything. And at least my husband did it to try to preserve himself. Having to admit what they have done is not easy. I think if they could easily admit it all then they probably would have never cheated in the first place. Please just remember you are not the unreasonable one here. He made these horrible decisions without considering you. This is a major life trauma. I am going on four years since dday with a pretty smooth recovery and I still feel it. I think I always will forever. But it is how the wayward handles it that makes it so different. Nothing can change the past but they can really change the present and future based on their actions.
Shifting Impressions
Hopeful
The thing is, we ARE in couples therapy; have been for the last 18 months; he DOES admit his trespass and how unfair it was to me; he doesn’t deny how hurtful his actions were, he acknowledges how selfish and unfair he was while involved in the affair; the problem is that he only acknowledges all that on an intelectual level; I don’t think that he has allowed his heart to feel MY PAIN, as that would put him in a category very much like an abuser, and he prides himself too much in the upbringing his parents gave him and how the values they gave him set him apart from the rest of us…..???????????????? talk about useless pride!!! As if his upbringing is such an ace card to brand about when he failed so miserably as a husband!!
Kittypone
I think that “feeling the pain” that they inflicted is something they avoid. I asked my husband to try to put himself in my shoes. To try and feel what it would “feel like” had I betrayed him. He simply wouldn’t do it….I believe it would be to much for him. My husband has always played that “good guy” role. Everybody loves him. He is very “non-abrasive”, kind, giving and funny. People are comfortable around him. So, being the “bad guy” doesn’t sit well with him.
I hate that line…I’m sorry IF I hurt you! The answer to that is “not if but you DID HURT ME”!!!
It took a long time but I think he finally understand that he broke something deep inside of me when he betrayed me. He knows that I will never be quite the same.
Shifting Impressions
And his most used lines ? “Why can’t you just move on”? “Why can’t you just forgive and forget”? “Why are you so obsessed over something that I am done with”? “Why do you keep removing the dirt”? “Why are my efforts not enough for you”? As the anniversary for DDay came this last Monday, I warned him that it would be a sensitive day for me, and he just couldn’t understand why would I be so emotional over a date that he would just rather forget!!! He is such a textbook case of a cheater who is clueless about truly restoring his marriage!!! Can someone here just kidnap all of these guys and submit them to an intensive-“Marriage Recovery 101?!?!?! Until they finally “GET IT”?????
What consequences did he pay for his past trespass? I think some cheaters need to feel the price in order to feel the pain.
He was demoted from an administrative position back to the field; he was notified that he would be terminated and just by the grace of God he wasn’t (it was such a close thing, that he was given a breakdown of what his termination check would entail) I kicked him out of our home when I found out DDay 2; our oldest son told him in no uncertain terms that he would not be speaking to his father until he was certain that he had broken off all contact with the harlot; he was removed all privileges of his position; I mean, short of being served divorce papers, he was faced with all kinds of losses if he didn’t break it off; at the end, the OW was who broke it off as I think she was not really that deeply emotionally involved as he was, and since it was a very long distance relationship (where they never met face to face since it was a FB relationship) there wasn’t really much gain for her other than the bragging rights of having someone else’s husband panting after her…
Kittypone
Perhaps tell him just because he is done doesn’t mean you are!!! Perhaps paint a word picture for him. For me it’s like they threw us in a deep pit and now that they are done doing that can’t understand that we don’t just want to move on. Meanwhile we are still in the pit trying desperately to climb out. Also trying desperately to understand how you throw someone you supposedly love in the pit in the first place.
They don’t want to listen to the cries coming out of the pit…Hell, half the time they don’t even want to throw us a rope. Don’t get me started…. Sounds like the man still has his head up his Ass….it’s still all about him.
Shifting Impressions
I get it that he wants desperately to forget so he can close that chapter; I get it that he’s done with the shame and guilt of having the affair; I get it that he’d rather focus on rebuilding than revisiting his trespass; I GET IT!!! And I give him props for being really done with her and (according to him) he has no feelings whatsoever left for her, I recognize that he is making somewhat of an effort by coming to counseling with me and kind of applying himself to the task ahead; even though none of that is halfway to the degree I’d wish he did, it’s a 180 degree turnabout from where he was even a year ago…. STILL….I don’t think that he has really FELT how bad he hurt me……even tho he has SEEN the pain in my eyes and the desolation he wrought, that’s what I feel is what he still needs to experience for himself so he finally GETS IT…..
Kittypone, For my husband he was more on that surface/intellectual level the first year to 18 months after dday. He said all the right things. But as my recovery progressed it really hit him. It took a lot of work and initiative on him. I think for most men especially they are not wired this way and do not want to get in touch with their deepest feelings why and own up to it all. It has been really hard on my husband. He has verbalized how he took us as a couple/marriage to the brink of destruction and how he still struggles with it four years later. As he said he loved me more than ever, never wanted to leave me and I gave him no good reason (if there ever was a good reason) to do what he did. I know he has felt this deeply but we try to move forward. I do not know how he got in touch with these feelings except a lot of time and individual work.
These are all consequences coming from external places. Are there any consequences that came from the inside? For example, my WS could not believe he was so broken, that he was so gullible, that he persuaded himself into believing that the OW was someone she obviously was not just so he could stay blind to his many years of issues. My H lived in a way of life that collided with everyone. None of his parents, his children including me could tolerate his selfish and mindless behaviors. He felt like he was getting disapproval everywhere he turned. Then, the OW came, telling him acting in such selfish ways was okay, she would do the same if she were put under the same situation (you see how they “clicked” on that), he fell head over heels for her giving up everything he had without her committing one dime to him. Later, he was slapped in the face that the OW didn’t like his selfishness when directed towards her, of course. When she couldn’t squeeze what she wanted from him, she dumped him without a blink with a nasty fallout. That was his wake up call. He now finally understands any relationship is a give and take exchange. All the beliefs he had about he could just keep on getting what he wants without giving others what they want did not hold water. And that’s the internal consequence that he faced.
It seemed to have worked for us. He is working on changing himself in a fundamental way. I’m focusing on myself getting me happy. I will be happy with or without him. Now that he’s woken up from the fog (it’s not just the affair but he has been in a fog for many years from about the time we got married), I know my kids will get both parents’ love even if we split, there is really nothing I’m afraid of any more. Sometimes I spend a lot of time thinking how my life will be much better off without him. But I don’t mind staying in the marriage longer so that the kids (they are still young) are better taken care of as long as he is picking up his end of the stick for our family. There are days that I feel good, but when I’m faced with this reality I also wonder if that’s all the future I can live up to and that makes me sad too. Can anyone tell me if that’s just a phase in the reconciliation process or would I be stuck in this quite hopeless place for the rest of my life.
Who Knows
I can’t think of any consequences that are not from external places……I mean, losing the only job you’ve had for the last 25 years and leaving it through “the back door” when you came into it with the “red carpet” rolled out for you? That’s pretty bad…..having your children NOT wanting to have any contact with you for ANYTHING? The OW dumped him the same night I kicked him out of our house when he called her to tell her that he was “free” (maybe thinking that she would celebrate it and promise him eternal love and a future together?) and she just told him (if he can be believed) that they both had spouses and everyone had already suffered enough because of their affair, that they both should focus on their own spouses and families and just break it off for good as nothing good could come out of their continued “love” for each other…..he STILL was in the fog, mourning her and missing her while sitting right next to me…..he probably woke up a little when he realized that I COULD make a life without him and that it would be a good one at that…..I have told him time and again that I DON’T NEED HIM to either be happy or make my own way in life, so maybe now he is finally realizing that he better get his s**t together before I dump him for good…..our kids are all grown up and out of our house, so there are no young kids to co-parent if we divorced and no child support to provide; he only has a few years left before retirement, so he ain’t no spring chicken either and the OW is 17 years his junior so I really doubt she would’ve left her same-age husband for an older man who IS NOT RICH and is over raising young children not even his own…..that “romance” would’ve faded real quick when real life butted in!!