Over the last few years we have asked you guys on various occasions about the lessons you have learned from your experiences in recovering from an affair.
In my opinion, the responses from you all are pure gold and serve to educate others who may just be starting their affair recovery and healing journey. At the same time they can be a reminder for those of you who are further along in your recovery as to just where you have been and what you have learned along the way.
So, I thought it would be a good idea if I compiled some nuggets of advice and lessons from various reader comments.
I will warn you right now. This post is long – very long.
So use the restroom now. Grab your favorite beverage of choice, sit back and read the following words of the many who walk (or have walked) in the same shoes as you. At the end, feel free to add your own lessons learned in the comment section.
(Disclamer: I am not responsible for the possible repetition of lessons or advice contained in the following post. Well, I guess I really am but there were so many of them to deal with! 🙂 )
As a result of the affair, I have learned that…
- Every marriage can be broken no matter how good it is.
- I need to be more aware of how cruel and manipulating people really can be.
- We can never really know someone. There is always going to be something that we keep to ourselves.
- To listen not only with my ears but my heart as well.
- I let so many things get in the way of living my life to the fullest and enjoying what I had and who I was.
- You can never let anyone, your spouse or your children, define who you are or who you are being.
- The only way to find true happiness with yourself or anyone else, is to be the real you.
- You must communicate your feelings no matter how valid you or anyone else feels they are.
- Trust and security are a myth.
- I will no longer play second fiddle to a second class person.
- I really thought he was a better person than he is turning out to be.
- I am a better person than he obviously believes me to be and I do not have to stand for what he is doing to me.
- Life isn’t fair.
- Wake up calls provide an opportunity for reflection and improvement.
- Marriage is hard work.
- Forgiveness is ever harder.
- Not to settle for a mediocre marriage and life, as now I want the best of everything.
- Love does not conquer all.
- Our negative behaviors have painful consequences.
- I am very strong and resilient.
- How to ask for what I want and need.
- I am responsible for my own happiness.
- Not to take anything or anyone for granted.
- Everything happens for a reason; you need to feel the pain of the past, learn from it then move on to a brighter future.
- The love I feel for my husband is so much greater than the pain, the lies and the insecurities.
- Our past may have been clouded with doubt, but our future is clear and hopeful.
- Not to believe what my husband says because I find he is still lying.
- To trust my instincts because they are always right.
- If you really love someone you will do anything to make them happy.
- Not to be afraid.
- Not to put someone on a pedestal, as everyone have feet of clay and can fail.
- I really can stand on my own two feet, can do things alone and that I must take care of myself and not wait for other people to do that.
- Not to trust anyone anymore until they show me they are trustworthy.
- Although I thought I was a good listener, I wasn’t and am since much more alert to everything that is said or done by anyone.
- To voice appreciation more actively and find small ways of affirmation to reinforce my commitment to our marriage.
- My perfect life is not at all as it appeared.
- The difference between forgiveness and forgetfulness.
- To be thankful for those things in my life that are good.
- To expect less so I won’t be disappointed.
- The lack of quality communication of emotional needs is a road to an affair or break-up, or both.
- To be honest with myself, my wife and our relationship.
- To let go of my fear of confrontation within our relationship.
- To be more in tune with my husband and his feelings and needs–as well as my own.
- Everything that I’ve ever wanted and needed was right under my nose all along. The grass truly isn’t greener on the other side.
- I am much stronger than I ever imagined.
- I love my husband and he loves me more than I ever imagined.
- I have to be okay with not trusting as much as I did before.
- What my husband really needs from me and how to give that to him.
- The only person I can depend on no matter what is me.
- Quick fixes, not asking burning questions (at the right time) or ignoring gut feelings and inconsistencies about what you’ve been told, makes it all take so much longer.
I can do things I thought I could never do, but only if I take it slowly and be kind to myself.- Many of the ways I think about myself have been as a result of someone else’s problems projected onto me.
- Finding a clearer sense of who I am has been so valuable in coping with the months of crap during this process. I’m still working on deciphering what I actually like rather than what other people think I should like, that’s more difficult.
- I’m significantly thinner (in a good way) and a heck of a lot fitter, which helps me feel better about myself.
- To stop second guessing what the CS is doing or thinking and concentrate on what you’re thinking, doing and feeling instead.
- You can only address your own issues and you must concentrate on yourself first, as you need to be incredibly strong to deal with this no matter which way the recovery process goes.
- No matter what you think you know about your spouse there is always more to learn. You can always dig deeper, share more and understand more.
- Love has no boundaries if it is truly unconditional and there is mutual respect involved on both sides.
- I can survive anything. I thought cheating would be the end of our relationship in theory. I was the one that said I would “kick him to the curb” but when push came to shove, I wanted to work it out and so did he.
- We have had to say bye bye to codependent behavior and hello to trust and intimacy.
- Learning to communicate through those harder times when triggers come or bad habits rear their ugly heads.
- Time really does heal. It’s a LONG road, with lots of bumps but if both of you are dedicated you can survive and be better for it.
- No one truly knows your heart so don’t let other’s judgments be your guide, learn to trust yourself again.
- Two people can love each other and totally lose sight of that!
- Marriage is even harder work than I thought and that sometimes you have to fight the negative to find enough positive to hold on.
- I have found my self-worth and strength once more. I was so frozen by my illness and the way my home life was going that I doubted everything and felt that I had nothing left to give. I am now back in the land of the living and doing things that bring light to my life.
- It is a double edge sword to stand where we do as a BS because on one hand, it hurts like hell to deal with the fact that your husband or wife had an affair but yet on the other side there is the relief that finally things are getting better and your spouse is finally becoming the person they once were in your marriage.
- I need to stand up and confront things when I have triggers and want to shut down.
- The bad times are becoming less frequent and not lasting as long.
- You must let yourself feel all the emotions of it and go with it!
- You can’t let your CS rush you through the recovery and don’t let them shut down and not give you the answers you need.
- No healing can be complete without the help of the cheater.
- I will come out of this nightmare on top.
- Marriage is hard with or without an affair…that constant care is needed, and neglect is a form of drying out your needs, BUT crossing the line is the fault of one person only.
- That I am OK without him…I told my husband the second time he cheated on me that I was done, but his remorseful behavior had me looking at our marriage to stay with him for our good memories and not the bad mistakes. So I can be better with him and we must work together.
- How to stand on my own two feet, find that happiness comes from myself first, and that courage comes when needed and will carry me thru the tough times.
- I feel great about myself when I look in the mirror and that my husband doesn’t need to tell me so when a boost to my spirit is needed…
- The process is better taken slow and to never expect grand gestures…slow, small and steady do add up to a better, long lasting, fulfilling relationship.
- I must re-learn after forty-one years of marriage to show appreciation and reconnect with one another. After being married for so long you tend to lose sight of these things in a long term relationship.
- I am a strong person. I am more outspoken about things that I like and dislike.
- I am responsible for my self esteem not someone else.
- Each affair is different with its own set of reasons as to why it happened and that you’ve got to hang in there as long as you each have a small piece of love for one another and the willingness to do the work to support each other.
As long as I continue to communicate honestly with my husband, stay close to him and know that he is fully committed to making our lives work together, I feel like I can get through this. The fact that he feels rejuvenated and alive again (even though he knows how much pain he has caused) and is 100% here for us, helps tremendously.- I am as strong as I thought I was.
- I have to listen more.
- I have to understand that we are different and react to things differently.
- Our marriage was not in a good place (clearly!) and that this is a real chance to make it better. Yes, it will never be the same but maybe that will be OK.
- We need to slow down our lives a bit to focus on US. It was work and kids and then us. We have to change that dynamic which can only be positive for us.
- If in your heart you both want to be committed to the relationship, get all the information that you need to put the affair into a “real” place in your mind and eliminate the fantasy. Once you get all that information, you must be able to use it as you need but not throw it in your spouse’s face at every turn.
- Continued communication is key but finding the right time to discuss the affair is also key. It is easy for the CS to get down and frustrated with a feeling that this could never work if you just pepper and pepper with questions and guilt at all hours of the day and night. It just isn’t constructive.
- To trust my gut feelings and to question him when something doesn’t add up.
- I deserve better and will never put up with his bull$#!+ anymore.
- I know how strong I can be and it’s my strength that’s pulling this marriage together. If it weren’t for me he’d be a bigger mess.
- I hate what he did to us, but I don’t hate him.
- You must try to get over the initial shock ASAP. It’s easier said than done but it is a crucial point.
- You need to be calm and level headed when you confront your spouse. If you let your emotions (anger, pain) get in the way you will accomplish ZERO! Especially if you accuse him/her and they get defensive. It’ll prompt them to retreat into their shell and you won’t get the truth or an admission out of them.
- It’s impossible to work with someone who refuses to come clean.
- To talk about his reasons for doing what he did and look at it like a puzzle where all the pieces are missing.
- You shouldn’t wait till later to ask questions. Ask them while they are fresh in the cheating spouse’s head.
- I can function on my own, be more independent and happy within myself. I know that with or without him, I can function on my own and be happy.
- I no longer allow him to control me. I no longer answer to anyone about my feelings and I don’t feel guilty about having those feelings. I don’t need acceptance anymore and it doesn’t worry me like it use to.
- For the cheater…don’t lie.
- It’s best not to stop asking questions until you feel you have the truth.
- Forgiveness is for you, not the CS or OW or anyone else who facilitated the affair. So I chose to forgive.
- I still have no desire to have “nice” thoughts about the OW. If anything I pity her but I no longer want to drive a bus over her nor my husband for that matter.
- Forgiveness allowed me to separate myself from the ugliness of their actions. It also helps keep me on the path of healing when the pain and lingering anger rear their ugly heads.
- I was the person I always knew I was. Intelligent, kind, strong-willed, independent, opinionated, attractive and sane.
- Those cruel actions/comments made by my husband during his affair were his justification for his own poor choices.
- The affair was not about me. It was about the CS and OW’s issues.
- I believe in myself and I’m beginning to trust myself again.
- It’s important to move through the process to the best of your ability and try not to get stuck.
- To call him out when I’m being bullied and stonewalled.
- To be strong enough to walk away if this happens again.
- To voice my needs as an adult and expect incredible respect, devotion, and love every day of my relationship through ups and downs.
- To let go of pain and anger and fear in order to move on and be joyous again with a man who failed me.
- To forgive and to grow and to help someone else truly grow.
- I will trust again, but always with limits. I will never again hand my good nature and personal assurance to someone to use against me.
- I will not expect my spouse to read my mind, and I refuse to even try to read his.
- I will put my marriage first. The house won’t fall apart and the kids won’t need therapy if we have a regular date night or even conversations they are not allowed to interrupt.
- I will make myself more of a priority. It isn’t “selfish” if I want to dress nicely, get highlights put in my hair and ditch the mom jeans for something more stylish. I deserve to carry a cute handbag, have some cute shoes, wear some coordinating jewelry and ditch the Hanes grannies for some Victoria’s Secret.
- EVERY relationship is vulnerable.
- Knowledge is power. Know your individual weaknesses and guard against them.
- Forgiving is so much harder than I ever imagined. I have learned that it is a process and it is a DAILY decision.
- I am capable of more anger and lashing out than I would have ever guessed.
- He will either be patient in this process or he won’t.
- To stop blaming myself for HIS actions.
- I can truly HATE, which actually surprised me, but in a way I think it is a good thing, because it now allows me to not give so much credit and leeway to those who do not really deserve it.
- Maybe people really CAN change, but they REALLY have to WANT to!
- Not all adults are grown-ups, and that people see what they want to see until they can’t hide from the truth anymore.
- My opinion counts in my marriage, and that guilt is a waste of time.
- We have to be a team in everything, and that a little resentment can breed evil, so I will no longer do something that I am uncomfortable with.
- You can’t take back some things that you say, no matter how sorry you may be or that you “didn’t mean it”.
- I am teaching him what real love is because he didn’t really know before.
- I should not hold on to resentments as they grow into uglier things over time.
- I am quite determined and capable of challenging myself and my ways of thinking.
- You should never say never about anything or anyone. I thought my husband would never have an affair, never. I never thought I could love him again like I do now or be so happy together again. I never thought I’d see his eyes happy again.
- I need to always look after myself.
- My faith only gets stronger.
- It’s an emotional roller coaster with highs and really big lows, but just keep moving.
- It’s easy to stay angry or keep screaming or be bitter, etc. but I do my best to have those moments and move on to the good stuff. Heal myself with all the small things that make me happy! The affair was never about me!!!!!
- I am sure I will learn more along the way.
- I can and will survive this!
Great stuff! Thank you! Thank you!
Couples who have recovered and healed from an affair usually find that their relationship is truly different. This whole experience certainly has caused our relationship to take on a whole new character.
After doing the work and going through all that we have, it is easier to remember the past without reliving the pain but that doesn’t mean we have forgotten the lessons we have learned along the way.
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70 replies to "What You’ve Learned While Recovering from an Affair"
Yes, that was long but so wealthy….I would add, it’s ongoing, never done, and homework that needs to be addressed daily. …thanks Doug for putting this list together….many of the bullet points I must remember to do as I have neglected some. I might add, this is practical advice for newlweds….many things I wish I had known from day one would have prepared me for affair. Eyes wide open rather than eyes wide shut!!
Trust no one but yourself.
Count on no one but yourself.
People are not whom they appear to be.
Love is a driving force.
I’m really having trouble with the forgiveness part. It’s been 4 months since D-Day. My wife saw a counselor yesterday and the counselor said that we are making all the right decisions in trying to save our marriage, but also mentioned we should talk about forgiveness – I blew up since I don’t know if I can forgive what she has done. I do believe that our marriage is stronger, but have set our healing back a few steps by my blow-up.
Is there a time-frame and is there a “this is the time to forgive” moment?
Xterra, I agree with what others have already said. It is so individual so personal. I CAN tell you that our therapist said it takes an average of two to five years to completely heal from infidelity. My husband SO did not want to hear that, but needed to. I hope it doesn’t take that long, I really don’t. But he made some spectacularly BAD choices (like cheating in our HOME??) that I think will put us at least into the mid-range of that.
X
UGH!!!!! This whole forgiveness thing is such bull shit. Why do these therapists push this and so soon. No 4 months is wayyyy to early to even consider forgiveness. No your blow up could not have set you back. She needs to know you are still angry about her actions and that it will take time. It’s not like she went out and bought an expensive pair of shoes without you knowing. That is forgiveable. Betrayal is huge and it’s not a mistake, it was a CHOICE. The fact that you are even considering reconciling with her is enough for right now. I told my H that trust and forgiveness might be down the road. He said it is not a deal breaker for him. Well good for you hot shot I’m glad you approve!!! OK that was snarky! I have the right to be. Of course I didn’t say it, but I sure as hell thought it. EG they all make bad choices and yes some to a greater degree like length of time and the finances. There is just way tooooo much to forgive and we will know it when we see it. Our spouses will know too. If my son hadn’t been so quick to forgive his dumb ass wife he wouldn’t be in the mess he’s in today. Now they have a little one who’s life they can try and ruin too. Stay strong X and remember YOUR ARE NOT THE WRONG PERSON IN THIS SHIT SHOW!!!!
Steers, the time frame for forgiveness is when you are read to forgive, not sooner nor later. It’s when you feel you are ready.
It’s funny, because I knew my h wasn’t himself, I wasn’t angry at him, all I felt is that I needed to help him through whatever he was going through.
He moved back home, he kept lying and I did almost levee several times, because the pain was just oo much. However you know what made me hurt more, is when he kept telling me he was over her and didn’t love her anymore and it was all about our family and me, after everything I had been through trying to trust and I kept giving him that bit if extra rope to hang me with, I found out that he was still communicating with her, still calling her sweet things. That’s what I needed to forgive.
I moved from my family,friends, my home as it wasn’t home to me anymore, to a new place where I know no one, trying to get my children settled into a new place which was a task in itself, they too missed everyone, it was like rubbing salt in the wound he help create in me, by keeping the contact with her.
I don’t understand how the person that truly loves you could be so insensitive and not want to lose his family but still keep the contact with someone that tried to break us, I will say I have trouble forgiving that.
I need to see that things are better to truly forgive, trust needs so much more time, don’t trust my h, he needs to earn my trust.
You take the time you need to forgive and trust.
Sorry that was supposed to say xterra
What i have learned, apart from what’s listed
Being a bs hurts more than anything I have experienced. You put complete trust in someone and you think you know them because you have been together for what feels like an eternity, only to find out you see someone new standing in front of you, someone that takes your heart, your soul, your memories, your trust, and your love and walks all over it, trashes it, like you never meant anything to them. You see someone that wants to hurt you.
Protect yourself from more on going hurt, don’t be a door mat.
This is such a great statement..You must protect your heart at all times. Such selfish actions.
THIS: “I am teaching her what real love is because she didn’t really know before.”
I didn’t know this until I read it just now. Beautiful!
Tonight, I was feeling really low, she asked me what was wrong. I told her that I feel so very lonely. She didn’t reply, but I could see the look on her face, and I believe it was a look of understanding????
I know no matter what happens, someday, she will understand how my love for her and new found (unbelievable!!!) strength has allowed me to persevere through the darkness.
Overwhelmed, true, we are showing them what true real love is. They just have to see it and then not let go of it.
It’s amazing how we find the strength from within to keep going but somehow we manage to. The light is there at the end of the tunnel.
I was watching with my h last night “hope springs” it stars merryl Streep and Tommy lee jones. Although it isn’t about infidelity, it is still about a couple who have been married for 31 yrs and they go to a marriage counsellor because the w wants their marriage better.
If you haven’t watched it already, watch it with your h/w.
Good movie! We watched it several months ago and enjoyed it. A bit of a tear-jerker as well.
It is Doug, did you feel you could relate to the h in the movie? I felt I could relate to the w in some ways. Yet you could see the pain from both sides. They both acted so well. Tommy lee jones character choking back tears when starting to open up was touching. He fought it all the way until he realized he could lose his w.
I didn’t really relate to him as such as I’m no way like him ( he was no fun whatsoever ;-)), however I could relate to the situation from the standpoint that routine, lack of communication, passion and intimacy can erode an otherwise good, long term relationship.
Thats what I was talking about, lol. It’s good to hear your fun.
My daughter today said something that made me laugh today. You know when she saw me laughing s hard, she said to me “mummy I haven’t seen you laugh for a long time, I’m so glad I made you laugh.
You know she is right, I haven’t laighed, truly laughed for such a long time. It felt so good to laugh, yet it didn’t take long formthe tears to hit again.
Cherish Linda, with all your heart and soul Doug, and keep making her laugh.
I can’t wait to have all this cr@p behind me, where I can be happy, without the thoughts pulling me down again.
I will have to check that movie out. It did look good, I like Tommy Lee Jones.
I believe that people who have not been involved in a long term relationship have no idea what it’s like, lol. I saw a lady on tv the other night who was saying she had invested THREE years in her relationship. Oh boy. I was married to my first husband 15 years, plus lived with him 5 years before that. I dated my current husband 3 years, married 10 years next month. That is the great thing, at that point you are dealing with the real person, not some bullshit image they are trying to project, which is basically what Infidelity is.
It did worry me that my husband appears to have had no long term relationships besides me. Not sure what that means! Also, his parents, and just about everyone in his family has a few divorces, or at least one under their belt.
My h and I did enjoy the movie, and it does bring up issues in long term marriages and how the h and w worked through bringing life back into their marriage.
One thing Tommy lee jones character had said while in counselling was “at least I didn’t have an affair, I did the right thing, I was good”. Something along those words anyway.
You see how unhappy they are, you see it both sides, yet one had to get the ball rolling to make their marriage a marriage again.
Merls character, said in a comment ” you look forward to somethingnyour whole marriage, your first child, when the children move out so you can be alone together, then you get there, and now I see nothing to look forward too”. Something alone those words too.
It’s true, you keep looking forward to something, until we just dont see there is anything to look forward to anymore. It’s like you are stuck.
I think you will enjoy it, tears were in my eyes at times. I guess sometimes it hit home.
I think for us, we still have things to look forward to, I am just afraid to trust in that. It used to be a “given” to me that we would see our kids grow up together, that we would retire together. Now I don’t like to think much beyond the immediate future. Ugh.
Eg, I find it hard now to look beyond today. I used to look forward to growing old with my h, watching our kids grow up and enjoying our time together. As you said, it is trusting, feeling safe enough to look forward to the future.
I love the thought still of having a future with my h, but I am not sure I can bring myself in believing that nothing will come in between us again. I never thought my h was capable of hurting me, what n eye opener, now it’s the other way, I’m not sure I can believe he can be faithful, trustworthy right
I actually think I’m more afraid to believe in my h, how depressing. I know I’m afraid of giving my h that part of me, he hurt me so much, I’m afraid of being hurt by him again.
How can you love someone so much, where you would give your life for them, yet be too afraid of trusting him again. It’s crazy, that at the blink of your eye, everything you believe in gets taken away.
I actually catch myself dreaming of our future, then I catch myself stopping saying, you can’t count on the future.
Yea I have been married for 33 years. Found out my w was with my so called friend for 7 years behind my back. This really scarred me.The trust factor is gone now. This happened 20 years ago . She just now told me because her christain counsler said she needed to come clean because of all of the guilt she has been hiding. My so called friend died 7 years ago, so no threat there anymore.
But to get back to your comment the future of our marriage looks bleak at best right now. I cant look at her in the face.
She has since moved in w/ her mom, while she seeks council. I went 2 times but I am so upset about it I can hardly talk to the counsler bout it.
and that is it exactly, SR. I used to view it as an absolute truth that we would be together until the day we die. He says he still views it that way. But my innocence is gone. I lived with the fear. I saw what can happen. I am optimistic about our relationship but I don’t “count on” it anymore. Sad, but true.
Eg, it is sad to think that we can’t look past today with our h, because our faith and trust and how we thought our future would be, all what we had imagined, was yet another thing taken from us by in my case cousin it, (ow).
Replaced with the thought of insecurity. I would have preferred the older version of what I thought my future would be like with my h, our grandchildren, us being happy, enjoying each others company without fear. I guess if we last that long it may take another 20 yrs to get back to that point again, hope not though, hoping it will be sooner than that, way sooner. Day by day I guess.
EG, that’s exactly how I feel. My H says he has never felt better about our relationship which baffles me. It’s like I passed the final for the class on marriage trauma with an A. It just bugs me that his view is so different. He also cannot understand why I don’t feel like I use to about our marriage. I refuse to believe in until death do us part ever again.
FCOL
LOL the same here. How am I so different than I was when you were having your affair? How is it you love me so much, how is it you are now in love with me, how is it now he says he can live with me???? You right, Now I am wondering if I can live with him??? Freaking arrogance right? He thinks because we went thru a re-commitment ceremony that it’s a do over and the slate is clean? He thinks because he ended the affair he’s changed forever? HHHMMM???? Till death do us part-HA–tonight’s sunset could make us part! Going thru all this new stress with my son I’ve decided, I GIVE UP!!! I am taking care of ME!!! I’m going to get what I WANT! I trust NO ONE but ME! I used to be a nice person, always putting other’s needs first. I’m done. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. No one else is going to look out for me so I am going to look after me and only me. That original paradigm got me no where. They say Men Love Bitches, maybe I’ll change my name from Trying Hard to Bitch is Not Trying Hard Anymore 🙂
Man what anger. But I can understand you. It is so difficult to trust again. All I can say is to read some bible passages.
You must trust again It only hurts yourself.
Lost Again
My bible and spirituality is the only thing that has allowed even some rays of hope and forgiveness in my life. Yes I am angry. Very perceptive of you.
Lol, Th, we are all angry and hurt. When you express your anger, you are saying exactly how the rest of us feel. If we aren’t angry, then there is something wrong with us, because you don’t get hurt over and over, treated like garbage for the sake of garbage (they were treating the wrong person like garbage, talk about misguided judgement) and not feel some anger and resentment.
Absolutely! I TOLD my husband NOTHING in my life will ever piss me off as much as him pursuing a trashy road whore while I was innocently sitting at home watching our child. NOTHING. EVER. EVER. EVER. He stole my time from me, eeew, it is the most disgusting thing ever. If he was unhappy, he should have had THE BALLS to leave.
Strength
Well if lying and fucking another woman and giving her thousands of dollars doesn’t make someone angry, what will? Yes I’m angry and hurt and while it ebbs and flows its still there. But hey I haven’t killed him yet and I think it’s good for him to know when one makes these kinds of choices anger is a very real and normal reaction. These are not mistakes these boneheads made conscious choices that affected many people not just me. Had I divorced him out of my anger and pride and decimated his life, my life, my kids live, my in-laws lives, employees lives, he would have seen a lot more anger than just mine. So I think he counts himself pretty damn lucky. My anger has set the boundaries for him. I will be damned if I ever let him think it was a mistake or validate his shame and guilt by allowing him to make excuses for how he chose to live his life for 4 years.
My h father has been married three times, my h brother has also never been trully able to commit long term, so I get where you are coming from.
That it gizfield, if they were so unhappy why not leave, why stay? Why make themselves feel more crappy by cheating with moldy tarts, and making us feel worse off, trying to fight for our marriages, with the trash involved making matters worse. Why didn’t they leave, instead betray us. Or open us to us, let us know what’s going on with them, and help us work on making our marriages better, instead of breaking vows and destroying lives.
Why was it so hard to do things the right way, giving us a chance before making their own minds up that we weren’t worth the effort.
Strength Required, my strong suspicion is that the cheaters know that the Moldy Tarts (god I love that) would not be nearly “intriguing” if they had to deal work them on a full time basis instead if when they “choose” to. They dont have to deal with what their friends or family think of this person. They see what they want to see, and also show what they want to be seen. As far as the “efforts” they expend, most of the time they are just goofing off at work, or replacing time they would be watching tv, or driving or playing video games, or however they normally “waste time. ” Plus theres that pesky problem to get around : the elephant in the room , this person is willing to DATE someone who is married, or while they are married. You can try to rationalize it if you want, but you KNOW beyond the shadow ofa doubt , your “love” is a liar and a cheat. And that you are good enough to sneak around with, but nothing more.
Glad you liked my moldy tart, lol. Our h do know what they have with us, that’s why they are here with us. They know they can’t trust moldy tarts, they were only there for stoking their wounded ego and self esteem.
Our h can rationalize their bahaviour until the sun don’t shine no more, but the truth is, it wont happen, that’s why they kept sinking.
Now the moldy tarts knew what they were doing, theynthought they had the upper hand, yet they can’t expect to hold our h hostage forever, most escape thei clutches, and dont look back fondly on their experience. These moldy tarts are deluded, they made claim to a man tha they didn’t know, they thought they knew these men, that’s where they fail. Knowledge is what helped them sink us tom begin with for them, yet the true knowledge of the real man, not the made up version, is what sunk the moldy tarts.
Misplaced loyalties, a big deal.
You are so right, I too will be damned to have my h think I was a mistake, yet you have to agree, if our h ever thought we were a mistake, they just be slow learners, because why would you wait decades to decides and several children later to decide we were a mistake. That’s just delusional.
we definately aren’t the mistakes our h made, we all know what their mistake was, now don’t we?
We are the better person, why would you choose heartless over someone that has a heart?
You have to see, that our h know what the have in us, they have seen the strength we possess, they see the dignity and level of commitment we have in our marriages to them, they see we have honor, and how we are not fake in any way. What do they see in the ow? They see none of that, completely the opposite.
Our h thought the ow saved them from their dreaded wives, and their shocking lives, yet what they didn’t count on was how shitty they would feel once they realized their life was going downhill faster than before. Who do they see now? Their wives who Euler them from the brink of destruction, who saved them from themselves, and from a fate worse than death with the ow.
Not Euler, lol, silly iPad, it was supposed tom say helped
I’m truly of the opinion now that the one you need to worry about the level of commitment from is not the cheater, it is the betrayed. I had total commitment, and I just can’t get it back. Now he is the one running after me, scared I will throw HIM out . Last time I got mad, he came up with some crap that I had promised him, and our daughter I would never leave. I dont remember that. I told him, yes I did once. That was our wedding vow and we see how important that was to you. There is a part of me that just wants to BAIL, the trauma was just too much.
Giz
I couldn’t agree more. My son is now going to be getting divorced. The son that has my grandson. He needed my lawyer’s number and I told my H I had my lawyer on speed dial. He went white and said don’t talk like that it scares me that you might still leave me. And you know what I might too. Yes this has been too much to bear sometimes and I constantly wonder if I’d be happier by myself. My depth of commitment goes from day to day. I don’t plan much besides the moment I am living in right now. If it’s good I’m staying, the moment it starts to suck again, I will leave. Sorry pal you made this shit sandwich!
He wants me he has to prove it every. freaking. day!
TH, so sorry to hear that your son is getting divorced. That really must bring up a lot of emotions and stress for you.
Giz, I completely agree. My husband has said more than once that he is surprised that I stayed. That he wonders if I would cheat on him now. I’ve learned the hard way not to speak in certainties but I don’t think I would. I always put our kids first. Always. And I have seen first hand what his selfish stupidity did to them.
Gizfield, I agree the trauma is too much. Imfeel at times the same, just bail. Yet I love my h too much to. It’s ridiculous, he bailed on me and our children, when the going got too tough, for someone else, he still can’t admit ripped him off, and deliberately meant to hurt our family.
Yet here I stay, wanting my Marriage to work, not wanting my family to break, all because I love my h and value the vows I took when we got married.
I look forward to the day, that this is such a distant memory, that I can truly look at my h and know without a doubt, that he regretted everything he did that hurt me and out family, and that it won’t ever happen again. Honestly it’s just too painful to go through this again.
Exactly, SR, he did build this shit sandwich, with his turd of a girlfriend right in the center, lol. If he ever wonders why I dont “lose weight” and become a smoking hot cougar like he thinks I should be, is that part of me doesn’t fully trust my commitment. I wouldn’t cheat, but I might leave. When I met him I was skinny, cute, and wore cute little outfits all the time. I also had a lot of guys that wanted to date me. Sometimes it is just so appealing to think I could put the shit sandwich behind me and move on. I love him but I promised myself a long time ago I would not love someone who treated me like crap again, but here I am. Hes not now but hes certainly proved hes capable of it. A major Red Flag.
That is the forest! We know they are capable and when I say I would leave it wouldn’t be only if he cheated. Any kind of disrespect, and that covers A LOT, I will leave. This mindset is the only thing that gets me through. We are having a great time and have bonded over current stresses and I believe past stresses as well. He is actually being the husband I’ve always wanted and needed. He still does what he wants, golf with his buddies and maybe once in a while dinner out with them after golf. I’m ok with that. He has also quit doing a lot of selfish things too. I do see the change BUT I am not relying on it.
I told my h today that if he is still in any sort if contact with cousin it, that i wanted him to pack his bags and go be with her. I wanted him to see what she really is, see the harm she has caused our family. I needed him to see her for what she really is, and for him to do that he needed to be with her, because he doesn’t see it. I told him that if he realized that she isn’t what he thought then, I need him to show me, that he regrets his decision. I also told him that if he decided she was everything he wanted, then I will give him a divorce.
I told him that, I wanted him to do this for me, only if he is in contact with her, as I can’t live like I am constantly worrying about him still being in contact with her without me knowing, I told him that I want my self respect and dignity back.
I also told him that if he was still in contact with her, and outmof respect for me he didmwhat I asked, then he needed to understand that while he is away from me, then he is to have no contact with me at all.
I told him that I didn’t want him regretting his choice of being with me and our children down the track, that I needed it done, where I can look forward to the future.
I told him, I can’t live in worry everyday, I won’t do this for me or our kids, I won’t put them through this anymore.
I told him it is because I love him that’s why I need him to do what I ask, if we have any chance of a happy future, because while I am in constant worry that when my h is away over night, and I can’t get into contact with him, then of course my mind goes into the direction of him being with cousin it.
I truly believe my h needed ti hear this, because I was serious about living in fear each and everyday, looking over my shoulder. No one can live like that, it’s no way of living, being constantly worried that what you believe in today, is not what is true tomorrow.
Well my h, was so good and listened to what I needed to say.
He told me, that he isn’t in contact with her at all, he has no intention to either. He has no intention on losing his family for her or anyone else. He is sorry for not being contactable of a night when he isn’t home, and said he will do what I takes to make sure he is, he will also be more open with everything, because without me in his life he has nothing.
He told me that, I am what is keeping him going everyday and not giving up, I’m what keeps him moving everyday.
He asked me, did I want him to leave even though he isn’t contacting her, I told him of course I didn’t, I wanted him to leave only if he still was. He told me again not to worry, because he isn’t.
I have to say, I’m glad I mentioned this to him, because, I really can’t live in worry everyday. I deserve better, our kids deserve better and he needed to know that. he needed to know that I needed to see what I actually mean to him, for us to move forward, as in all honesty all I have in my head is one of cousin it’s messages replaying in my head “I know you are only with her because of the kids, and I know where your heart really is”
He knows now that if he goes to her, he loses contact with me, until he finally sees her for what she is and if he doesn’t then I divorce him, he knows now that I’m serious about what my needs and wants are. He saw again on how much love I have for him and how much pain I am in, and what I am willing to do for him and our family.
I will admit, he has only ever heard me, say I will leave, he has heard me tell him before to go be with her, but he has never heard me tell him to pack his bags and leave to be with her. I think hearing pack your bags and leave is more final.
I am so glad that I built up the courage to tell him what I needed to say for a while.
I need to see progress and in alot of ways I have, but I don’t like the uncertainty, I want to be shown that I am the only love of his life, I deserve that. I want to be able to trust my h and my marriage again.
I am coming up on a really trying time. May 5 is the anniversary of not only when we met, but also 3 years later of when I confirmed I was pregnant. We had a really cute story about how we met, but it is TAINTED by his rewriting history horseshit that he “felt sorry” for me. Ewwwww. Then our 10 year anniversary is May 21. I’m trying to be happy about it but just consider it a farce really. Again, he married me and stayed stayed in his “boring commitment” to be cause he was “sorry” for me . Although as self centered as he is I know that is crap, lol. Then June 25 is the day he announced he wanted a divorce cause he was” in love ” with his turd. And he wants to go to the TAINTED vacation spot in July. It’s just all too much, lol!
Trying hard, I meant to tell you earlier that I’m sorry to hear about your son’s divorce. That must be doubly hard. Also, I’d like to thank you for giving me the new nickname for my husband’s friend. I dont use “affair partner” so I just cal her his girlfriend. I’ve gotten kind of tired of thw usual tramp, whore, slut etc. I have decided she will be The Turd. Lol. I laugh just thinking of it. your Your shit sandwich commentmade me think of it. she just kept swirling around in the toilet of adultery (with him , of course), resisting to be flushed. I think I will think of one of those anacronyms our whatever they are called too. Maybe The Ugly Revolting Dog or something of that nature, lol.
Thanks Giz. This divorce is just another stress as it involves my dear 3 1/2 grandson. And again I thought I knew my DIL but obviously I didn’t. The had troubles 5 years ago, matter of fact she was having an affair!!! Her affair with her OM started at the same time my H started his affair. NICE! Anyway they went to marriage counseling etc and reconciled. I wasn’t too happy about him giving her another chance because there were no children involved at the time but he LLLLLOOOOOVVVED her–UGH–and took her back. They had their son two years later. I thought they were doing ok then I started seeing some red flags with her so I’m not really surprised she has left again and yes I do think she has someone else AGAIN!!! She’s the proverbial grass is always greener somewhere else! To that end my delicate relationship with my H is having to deal with yet another factor. It’s not like the stress from our business and dealing with the aftermath (haha nice word for bullshit right) of the affair, now this. Our grandson is the light of our life. We love having him and he loves being with us. We are just both afraid she’s going to try to move him away from us. My son is fighting legally to prevent this. One more lesson–TRUST NO ONE EVER!!!
Th, I’m sorry too about your son getting a divorce. I hope all goes well with her not being able to take your grandson away.
I use aftermath as well, because that is exactly what it is an aftermath, still picking up the pieces everywhere we turn. I use cousin it too, when I talk to my h.
You know there is something that really bugs me, my h told his sister back when his ea came to light, that I was the only one he trusts.
So why ruin the trust I had for him for cousin it, why was cousin it so worthy of ruining our life when he has no trust for anyone but me.
Cousin it. I love that. I have so many names for the affair partner and what they did it isn’t even funny. It disturbs my husband. I told him I am going to write a book and call it……..
1000 Names to Call Your Husband’s Whore and the Things He Did With Her.
50 SHADES OF WHITE TRASH
We shall co-author the book.
Now we’re talking!!!
Giz, I just celebrated my 22nd wedding anniversary. You would think, why anyone would throw away a marriage of such a long time, just because cousin it looked good at the time.
I lost 22kgs because of this “turd”relationship, I felt good, yet my h kept lying and sneaking around with cousin it. So of course half of that as snuck back on.
My h, I’m sure thinks I should be some rot of cougar, yet I gave up on trying. It wasn’t working, he still kept betraying me with the cousin it. Unintentionally the weight started to creep up, and I think that’s why.
Lol, th. Love it.
Looks like we all have our pet names for the ow. Much more nicer pet names to what our h gave them. Lol. Ours are more appropriate.
So now we have,
The turd
Cousin it
And 50 shades of white trash lol.
I decided my anacronym for “the Turd” needed work. I mean “the” is a waste of a “t” when you can use “trashy,” lol. So now, TURD is for “Trashy Uneducated Repulsive Drone.” What do you all think. ? I dont normally call people uneducated cause it doesn’t matter to me but this TURD was so uppity I think I will. I liked the word drone but wasn’t sure it was appropriate. I looked it up, and one definition is ” A person who lives on the labor of others; parasitic loafer.” I think that’s perfect. I couldn’t have done better myself, lol.
Hang on have t go to the loo, I’m laughing that hard.
Of course uneducated, my h used to tell me cousin it wasn’t very smart. Lol
He used ti tell me that cousin it didn’t understand half the things I messaged her and tha she needed others to help her understand.
Cousin it just liked to act stupid in front of my h. She was actually pretty smart to manipulate him the way she did and get all she could from him. That’s not someone that is stupid if you ask me. Lol.
Maybe my h liked the dumb stupid bimbo act.
However, she was uneducated because she didn’t know my h, like she thought she knew him. She also didn’t count on me standing by my h and my family, and she definitely underestimated how much my h and I love each other. She jus thought because she separated from her h, and had bad feelings towards her h, that my h would do the same.
However, understand this, she apparently loved my h so much, she wouldn’t divorce her h, she didn’t want to pay for the divorce.
If you wanted to be with someone else, as far as I’m concerned, you would pay for the divorce so you are free.
You’d think she would pay for it, wouldn’t you SR? I definitely think laughter is the best medicine so if we can get any kind of humor out if it, so much the better! The TURDS are the funniest thing of all, I have to say. Some of the stuff this woman said or did literally makes me laugh out loud some times. I have also seen some Funnny stuff on the internet and facebook. I can’t put much stuff on there cause my husband “creeps” on my page, lol. I’ve been looking at a page called Shes a Homewrecker on facebook that has a lot of “adultery” related ecards that are hysterical. They also have a website where people expose real cheaters, with their photos. It’s worth a look cause 99% of these chicks are Fugly or just look like flat out whores, pardon my french. I guess they keep all the beautiful, glamourous cheaters on the other page. You know, television, lol.
Lol giz, how funny. Yu would think she would pay for it, maybe she thought my h would pay for it for her, especially since she thought he was going to marry her. Who would marry a cousin it. Lol. It creeps me out just thinking how he could have kissed cousin it, can I throw up now. Honestly my h was definitely not in his right mind. Good thing I knew that.
I guess that’s why we made it this far into our marriage before something like this hsppened.
Stupid damn midlife crisis. I think if it was me who suffered from the midlife crisis, my h wouldn’t have stood by me, I honestly believe he would have been sick at the thought of looking at me, need alone touching or kissing me. Funny how cousin it didn’t seem to lose browny points for being cheap with him, she just kept gaining the points in her favor.
Why do the ap always believe they are so much better than the bs? Just because they know how to suck in a depressed spouse, that’s the only reason they ended up capturing the hearts of our spouses. If our spouses were thinking clearly, they wouldn’t have let their morals and standards drop, they definately wouldn’t have set out to hurt their families.
Lost again, you have to protect yourself, your heart, your soul. You never expect that you will need to protect yourself from the one person you have loved forever, your spouse, until they throw you under a bus for someone that has no morals.
There is one thing I am hoping to find out soon.
I asked my h does he realize that cousin it didn’t have our children’s best interest at heart? He said he knows that.
I said, so do you think that how she behaved, chasing you os, throwing herself at you (while not being divorced) and doing all she could to break our family, was showing her to look like a tramp? His reply, when I think of it, I see now she acted very inappropriately.
So if course I said, what I would like to hear, is how you hate her for what she put us through. He said, I do hate what she did. I said , I wantmto hearmyou say you hate her, not what she did, I guess you cant hate her. He said I do, I just don’t like to think about it.
He said, you know how they say the grass is not greener in the other side it’s true, it really isn’t. He said, he sees and knows everything she did was her only looking out for herself.
He sees it now. He could see it, how she would talk to him in December / January.
I said, so why did you keep talking to her upto then, did you still have feelings for her. He said no, I didn’t, I don’t know why I did, I guess I felt sorry for her. (felt sorry for someone that almost tore his family apart, omg, I still don’t get that)
Anyway, I have asked him to tell me in his own words, what he finally sees. What happened for him to finally realize the home wrecker she truly is? I have told him, imdont want to be told anything that is something i want to hear isn’t meant, it has to come frommhis heart. I told him, I need to hear exactly what he sees in her now,and that I think he needs to hear himself say it out loud, that it would probably help him too.
I know both my h and I need to hear this, I think it is important to fill part of the damage caused, and for him to face it too, without always wanting to forget it, and wishing it never happened.
Trying Hard, I agree, they all got off VERY LIGHTLY in my opinion. Most people still think my husband is the nicest, sweetest thing ever. Sometimes when I am taking to one of his friends I just want to say What do you think of what your boy here did, and tell them. Like I said, he got off very lightly.