It is very apparent from our surveys that more often than not, couples choose to stay together after an infidelity has been discovered.
It seems that a common history and shared life carry a lot of weight in motivating a couple to try and work things out. Certainly there are other variables involved as well.
In general, couples that are successful in working things out wind up with a new and improved marriage where trust is re-established, there’s effective communication and intimacy is strong. There is healing and recovery.
Couples travel a road where they first must deal with crisis management after the affair discovery. Emotions are so raw and all over the place that neither partner really knows where to begin or what is even safe to say, let alone do.
There is a period of time that follows where it is common to waffle back and forth between a renewed infatuation between the spouses to full blown rage, resentment and sadness. It can be a confusing time to say the least.
If they are successful, couples will progress to a point where they can create a new relationship where communication is great, conflict is dealt with effectively, there is a feeling of togetherness and understanding – and the sex is good too.
OK…What proceeded was the “Reader’s Digest” version of a successful affair recovery. But I can’t help but think that affair recovery and healing means different things to different people. What works for some may be a version of hell for others.
Our discussion this week will focus on your picture of what healing and recovery look like to you.
In your mind, what does complete affair healing and recovery look like?
Do you feel that it is even possible to ever get there?
On a scale of 1 to 10 – where 10 is “Our marriage and life are wonderful and the affair is nothing but a distant memory” – Where do you currently stand?
What needs to happen for you and your relationship to get closer to your view of complete healing and recovery?
Please respond to one another in the comment section below.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
58 replies to "Discussion – What Does Affair Recovery and Healing Look Like?"
I’m probably at 7.5 on that scale. I’m expecting that after the relocation and all the places for triggers are many miles away that should improve.
Hey Chiff, thanks for commenting. So I guess you are saying then that triggers are the main things that are holding you back? This move will really be like a fresh start for you, won’t it?
triggers do hold me back and lots of them are also habits now. I have a long commute and listen to the radio – some music takes me back to the anguish I felt on many occasions when driving to or from work for instance. there are certain places I drive past where I had to stop because I had promised to call my H on his longer train commute during the early days or where I stopped because I couldn’t see to drive safely.
I’m not really seeing it as a fresh start because that feels like it’s encouraging us to forget. it’s an opportunity to spend more time together or even apart. it’s an opportunity on many fronts. we’ve talked alot about my worries about the move and that’s been a good thing.
I will probably also not come to this site anymore as my new job will be much busier. but I’m not gone yet!
Oh, no, Chiffchaff. I wish you all the luck but you are one of the most “sensible” mature people on here. The voice of reason, when lots of us (ie, me) are not. You will definitely be missed when you go.
Chiff, you will definately be missed when you go.
I believe I’m about a 6. I was lucky enough to move away from most triggers, yet it was also at a price. My younger children and. Are apart from my older children, yet the older two are both young adults now so it makes it a little easier. However I am also away from my mother and sister as well as friends. My h is barely home due to business commitments, which I believe has held back my recovery.
Without the move I don’t think I would have been as far into the recovery I am, because of the triggers, too many of them, I was being consumed by anxiousness, fear and chest pains, I was crying everyday in sheer heartache.
Once moved it took a while probably 6 months, the pain is less intense, the triggers are few and my second oldest will be back home with me very soon. I feel as though I ave started to trust my h, being away from each other is very hard to trust after infidelity, you can wonder is he really telling me the truth about where he is, who he is with, but when you see when all the pieces are put together adding up to yes he is telling the truth, it’s becomes harder to doubt, but never let your guard down. I guess I have come to terms within myself, that although I love my h, although I am willing to give trust where it is due, living through this again, isn’t an option.
What will bring about more recovery for me and will help not only myself but my h and our children recover, is having my h home every night. That’s when I know things are stronger.
Yet I know we can’t live like this forever, being apart most of the time.
Chiffchaff, I just remembered this. I know your husband has a group of friends that you dont really care for, like mine does. They are ok, their entire lives just revolve around getting together, drinking, and acting like imbeciles. Well, I found out a few weeks ago the group is being rocked by DIVORCE. don’t know who filed, what happened, etc. my husband says the guy was “madly in love” with the girl. Although every time I’ve seen them he looks disgusted cause she is off somewhere, drunk or worse. I think he has a roaming eye, as well. Plus, it all came out that she slept with another guy in the group, but claims not to remember it. guess she was drunk then too. I think the whole group us about to implode. My husband and I have been together longer than most of the couples already.
I really don’t know if there ever is “complete” affair healing and recovery, but I do know if both partners do the necessary work together on the relationship, you get to a comfort level where there is no more pain,
There will always be, I think, triggers to some degree but if you communicate to each other you can work through them and move forward. In my case, I do not trust blindly and that will never change, for it was this that got me in trouble in the first place.
Our marriage is in a good place. We do love each other very much. So I guess on a scale of 1-10 I would say its a 8 .If it gets better, then that’s a plus.
Maybe a 3. Just still in the waffling back and forth stage for me. Sometimes waffling minute to minute. I am trying so hard to let the whole thing go but that is no easy task. I am still haunted by the whole is she better than me question. I am also stuck wondering if there isn’t a better man out there for me. I try to see it as a terrible mistake my h made when he was in a really bad place in his life mentally but sometimes I am just too pissed to see it that way. I am only 4.5 months in so I am trying to just hang on there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 – where 10 is “Our marriage and life are wonderful and the affair is nothing but a distant memory” – Where do you currently stand?
0. Our marriage is over, although the divorce is not final.
In your mind, what does complete affair healing and recovery look like?
Complete affair healing and recovery involves me being able to function and even look forward with some kind of anticipation to a future that is completely different than the one I’d envisioned, longed for, worked my butt off to achieve and eventually watched die a wretched death. Being healed means I don’t live in anguish, anger, resentment, bitterness, that the triggers can’t be pulled because the wound has been fashioned into a new version of me who isn’t afraid to love again, isn’t depressed about the cataclysmic losses I’ve endured, and isn’t so lonely she’d settle for anything wearing pants and resembling a man.
STL-wow how you have grown!!! I hope to one day be half as healed as you. You inspire me!!
Stl, i know you are going to have a wonderful new life, and you deserve to find happiness and a wonderful person that will treat you like you deserve to be treated. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for you with your h, but ket me say it is his loss. Hugs to you.
Sad,it has only been a short time, don’t be too hard on yourself, just remember things can get better with time.
Thank you Sad and SR, and Sad, I don’t regret one minute of the 2+ years I worked at getting past the infidelity after D-Day 1. I experienced every single thing that everyone does, probably many times (which is why I used to be Roller Coaster Rider!) I also know that my wonderful new life may not be the dream we all have that looks like what Hollywood portrays. It’s already pretty wonderful (as my sister reminded me yesterday) now that I never have to wait for the other shoe to drop.
Sadsomuch, you will continue to feel the pain for awhile. And your H will have to show you over and over that you are what he wants. I hope with all my heart that he does that, and that you two will recover and your marriage will only improve. Don’t give up hope, and don’t base any expectations on your feelings, because they will be all over the map. Just wait and watch and listen. You will find what you need. And if you choose to end your marriage, you will recover.
p.s. I’m certainly a work in progress. I had the most depressed period during the past week or so that I think I’ve had ever since all this began…really questioning everything, and wondering if any of this is worth it. I’m not there now, and I understand that depression and sorrow are part of the healing process. A big part of my healing has to do with letting go of my dream, and giving up my lifelong friendship with one who can no longer have that place in my heart.
STL, I just wanted to let you know you’re in our thoughts. You’ve been through hell and back and I know that you’re a strong person and will get through this. There will be better days ahead.
Stl, you are definately in my thoughts too.
It really means a lot, the support. I’m sure that’s why I still keep coming here. No more marriage for me (at least for the foreseeable future), but those who are here are really quality, caring people.
Where am I now: 6,5 but I would probably rate it higher on other days. What does it take to get higher in recovery: to me the triggers are the most damaging. The OW presence and the way she runs around being Miss popular and getting away with it. The fact I’m in for another social event at her house tomorrow just makes me very irritable with my H and kids wich makes talking rationally about the triggers so difficult. Whenever she’s out of my sight for more than à week ( even though she’s à coworker of my H) I feel our relationship growing again. Other triggers like songs, stories of divorce and cheating have à tendencie to be less painfull in time. Sometimes I wish I could move away and start al over. But then I beat myself up it’s runnig away, not solving the pain. And to me it would feel as if she won…If only we needed to move for other reasons… So glad to hear some of you are getting that chance. Go for it and good luck. It’s true we will be missing our dedicated posters but I hope you find the time once in a while to update your scores and bring some wise thoughts…
Ssm hang in there and just survive the storm for now, it’s less exhausting to ride with the waves then to row against them. And Stl is right, even if you end up leaving going true this storm makes you see the light in time, suddenly feelings get meaning, suddenly either you feel the little warm moments again or pain becomes loss. I even flipped from one feeling to another making me realize at à certain moment If it would end it would just be à loss not the end of the world. This is the point where I could relax again and just let feelings come in there own
Are you really going to this lady’s house? I’m sorry, but she would have to be Ms. Popular without the benefit of my presence.
Giz, I too couldn’t go, I would definately not want my h going either. Yet in a situation where he has to go, I would prefer to be with him every second, because being a fly on the wall at least you know what’s happening when it comes to the ow and how she carries on in front of your h. You never know maybe she is just as uncomfortable and so she should be.
Maybe CBB could surreptitiously spill red wine on her white carpet. Or plant a stink bug in the bathroom. Etc.
CBB, do you have to go? Does your H really *have* to go? My H’s AP came to our town to do a concert (she’s a professional singer) and I told him that he was to have nothing to do with her. Different situation in that she doesn’t actually live here or work with him regularly, I realize. But it seems inconsiderate of your H, to say the least, to expect you to smile and put a good face on it, at her house nonetheless.
I grew up in the south, where women are great at smiling and being polite while wielding subtle little icicles in their speech. Once, when my H brought up the work trip on which he’d messed around with the AP in a conversation with a colleague of ours who was totally clueless about the affair, I got really pissed off that he’d bring up that trip in front of me, knowing what hell he’d put me through and what a trigger it was. So I jumped right into the conversation, and went on and on about what a summer my H had had, how many *interesting* new things he’d experienced, how many hangovers he’d gotten as a result, ha, ha, ha — all in a very light tone, all jokingly, with all the innuendo going right over my colleague’s head — but not my H’s. This is a colleague whose high opinion he greatly values. He was red with shame and had to hide it by dropping his head. He changed the subject of that conversation pretty damn quickly. I am a real bitch for enjoying that, right? I honestly get sick to death of being the one who has to ‘rise above’ all the shit he’s put us through. Sometimes he ought to have to cope with it, you know?
Maybe you should practice a few icicles for conversation with her. Why shouldn’t she be made to feel uncomfortable after all she’s done to you?
Doug and Linda, I like the new website setup. Looks better.
Thanks Strength! We wanted a cleaner look. It’s still a work in process and we will tweak things here and there, but so far, so good!
Well Doug, I think you have accomplished the cleaner look, much more brighter and I think it seems a little more user friendly.
Thanks SR. I’m still trying to figure out how best to organize things. Having over 700 posts makes it a challenge.
Dear All, thanks for the support. (sorry for the delay, European timing and work got in the way) I know this is very upsetting and confusing for me to.
It’s actually a social gathering were all others are friends (of whom only one knows the facts and is very supportive). Not going is shutting myself out of that social group.
I would have to skip half of the parties, sports club activities if I want to avoid her. I don’t want to give her that pleasure, I don’t want to have to explain my absence to the others. It’s very hard. I already managed quite well on a couple of woman activities but couple things are still hard. I don’t think she’s that uneasy about it, she manages to always be the bitch herself. I would love to be able to bitch back but she’s so dangerous and powerful on the job I can’t beat her at the game. She convinced herself and her H she never did anything wrong and I should be glad to be invited. The one most uneasy is probably my H. And last time she was all over other men it was rediculous
Cbb, hang in there Hun, you are such a strong woman, being able to go to this ow home and not being able to just let everyone know the sort of person she really is must be so terribly hard.
My thoughts are with you….
Well I think we have made some more movements into our recovery this weekend. I’ve noticed my h has been finding it harder to be away from me, and as you all know his ea started while he was overseas visiting family. Well guess what? He has told me that he hams no intention of ever going back there. What a huge relief that is for me to hear. He even mentioned to me something I never thought I would ever hear from him, and that is once we are back on our feet financially, he is going to put me first, before the business and everyone else. That is a major step forward for us, because it has been such along time since I (when I say I, I mean our children as well) have been put before the business, need alone being put before his friends or family.
It is moments like this that I truly feel relieved that I never gave up on my marriage, and that he didn’t either. You know that light that is at the end of the dark tunnel, well for me it is getting closer each day.
Step by step day by day, I know we are getting there.
SR, That is great that your husband said those things to you. I”m sure it made you feel great and even more hopeful for the future.
Thank you Doug, it definately brought hope, even made me feel as though he sees the damage his aunts, uncles, cousins, caused our marriage, our children, our family and just would prefer not to see them. Something he hasn’t been able to see at the beginning. I believe the harder he has had to work to save our marriage, our business, our homes, and the sacrifices we are making by not seeing each other for days, him barely getting any rest because of the business pressure, financial pressure, he is seeing exactly how much they had manipulated him, when he was at a vulnerable stage in his life. What a way to see it, while you are working that hard and feeling as though you are getting ahead then something pushes you down again and again, but he still keeps raising above it and works even harder. Surely you would look at everything that took place, evaluate it and actually see the role they took to get him where he is today. I think the time apart has shown him just what’s important to him more and more. It’s an amazing thing when ones eyes truly open.
It makes me feel as though he has no intention of letting his family get to him again, that he is going to protect us from them. Honestly what sort of people force a engagement onto a man that has a 1yr old and a 3yr old, need alone another 4 kids all who need their parents together. They could see he was vulnerable and took advantage of his situation and it nearly destroyed him and his wife and children’s lives. Good people would never have done what they did, just so their daughter can have a life that doesn’t belong to her, not giving any regard to the wife and children that he has.
I’m happy to hear he has no intention on ever going back there. One thing that is a shame, the ow is still here, how wonderful it would be if she moved back to her parents, now that would be awesome…..
Sr that sure does sound like progress!!! So happy for you. I came home Friday after being gone for work for a week and my h has barely noticed I here. My dogs and cat were glad to see me and I think my kids were but h, not so much. Well to be honest I didn’t want to come home either. Lots of tension in my home now where it used to not be. Ah the life you have after an affair…
Ssm, sorry for how your h is treating you, I truly wish he would wake up and see what he is doing to you. It has taken a while for us to get to this point, two yrs soon, with so many ups and downs. I do hope you start seeing positive changes come your way, I know how you feel when you think all hope is lost.
Please take care….. Try really hard to be happy around your h, let him wonder why?
Ohhh yes those faithful pets. I’m sure your kids were happy to see you, why wouldn’t they your their mum. Do you ever get to talk to each other you and your husband? You know at the beginning and for a while into the ea, I was doing most of the work, I was the one giving him all the attention. I would kiss him, hug him, showing him what he can lose, while still letting him know all the time that I love him. I made all the moves. Guess what he responded, and eventually he started becoming the man I married again,mi guess I had to show him what he meant to me before he could start truly showing me in return. You have to understand these men of ours were told by the ow that we weren’t good wives, mothers etc. They were what was going to save our husbands from the terrible woman they married. If your husband was in a midlife crisis/depression they were vulnerable to the influences of this person and possibly anyone else that was supporting the ow. It didn’t matter if I became a supermodel, or even a house goddess, my h would have found something to complain about and did. It took time, but I kept reminding him just how much I loved him and I showed him by touching his hand, kissing his cheek etc. Honestly he needed me to do these things because he was incapable of doing this himself. He needed to see that I did love and want him. Honestly at times I felt like I was getting no where, that he was just enjoying allmthe attention without having to do anything. Yet all of a sudden, he started to come back to me, that man that was lost and confused was starting to fade and his old self was returning.
Honestly when they say the power of touch and saying loving words, or even welcoming him home at night with a passionate kiss as he walks into the door before the kids give him their attention, or even giving him the same passionate kiss and hugs while he leaves the house, it truly does make a difference.
It did here, my h needed to see that he was important to me, when I did that he started showing me that I was too.
Ohhh and don’t get me wrong, I used to always say I love you to him, and kiss Jim goodbye and hello, but not to this extent, it definately makes a difference and keeps on giving a renewed spark on both sides each time.
Sr i was doing that at first but he never responded. Then when i tried to initiate sex and he turned me down flat even after 4 months without, something in me just broke. I dont know if it will ever heal. Since that night i have just been building wall after wall around my heart. I dont go home till late in the evening, I go to bed early, i avoid my home as much as possible. My home used to be my haven but not any more. When do you know what to do? I wish he would just come home one day and say he was leaving even if it was for OW. At least i wouldnt have to be the one thinking all the time.
Ssm, I’m so sorry Hun, I think what you need to to is decide on whether yo want to tell him how you feel.
Are you prepared to tell him “do you want our marriage, do you want me?” are you prepared to say to him “if you don’t want our marriage then you need to leave, so I can get over what you have done to us, because I can’t live like this anymore, we can’t live like this anymore, it is not good for any of us, not our children or the both of us” are you prepared to tell him, that “you don’t want to lose him because you love him dearly, but it hurts every time you see him, because all you want is to hold him and love him, but all you get from him is coldness. You can’t live with someone that does not want you, because it is too painful. You want love in your life, you want it to be him, but not if he doesn’t want the same thing”. Are you prepared to tell him, that you have the res tof your life to live, and you would like to share it with someone that loves you, if it isn’t him then you deserve the chance to find that love”. You deserve to be happy, ssm, this must be so very hard on you.
He needs to tell you what he wants, so you both can move forward instead of drowning in the same spot day after day.
In answer to your question about when do you know what to do? You just know, it’s at the point where you have had enough. Although it hurts, and you know that your life will be different, but you know you need to be happy, you need the chance to be happy, the sadness is too consuming to live that way, so you just decide, enough is enough, I have tried, now I’m done. I can’t live like this anymore. It is at that moment you know you have nothing else to give, nothing else to prove, you can hold your head up high and say, I tried, he didn’t help in rescuing our marriage, now I’m done.
I came to that several times, but the difference for me was my husband would hold me, tell me how important I was to him, which kept me hanging on to just see exactly how much I meant to him. Without him doing that, I would have needed to move on with my life because it is just too painful to see the person you love each and every day not want you in return.
Yes painful is exactly it. I ask him last night if he ever thought about our future and if being with me was what he wanted. He admitted he never thinks about it. I told him he had think about it because it isn’t fair to me anymore. I told him that I feel like he loves me as a human being and the mother of his kids, but not as a woman. No romantic love just the sure she does the laundry and cooks the meals love. I deserve more and I know it. I cried and cried and he just tries to move further away from me. I told him I need more in my life now because the feeling of security he provided is now gone. I think he wants me to make him leave so he can then say he tried and that it was my fault for not getting over it. That has been the story of our 22 years, me making all the decisions and then him being able to point a finger at me when something goes wrong. I know he doesn’t want to leave because he doesn’t want to lose his security but mine is gone so why shouldn’t he be thrown to the wolves also.
It’s funny you say that about your h wanting you to tell him to leave so he can say he tried but you gave up. It all being your fault. I told my h the exact same thing while he was still seeing his w behind my back. I even said to him that, I don’t really care if that is what you are waiting for, you can tell everyone that it was my fault that you tried but I gave up, because honestly you won’t stop seeing her, so if you want her just leave, I will be better off having you leave and taking the blame then you staying and causing me more pain. He just kept telling me that she isn’t what he wanted, he wanted our family, me, tha he just needed time. He was not leaving me.
Lunch with a friend just made me see, if I am not ready to truly cut the ties, then I just need to ride this. 5 months is not a long time and I have some good days. I just wish there was a big sign that said stay married or divorced. A huge big neon sign over my house that says stay or go. You guys really help me and I am going to really try to do what you guys say. You have been where I am and you know the drill. SR you always give me such great advice and STL you remind me that there is hope what ever the outcome. CBB you tell me to ride the waves and that has to be less exhausting than beating myself against them everyday. Thanks to you all from the bottom of my heart.
I do agree with your friend 5 mths is still early days. I know it hurts, I know you want your life back with your h, but it really does take time, the process is a long one. I still say be happy around him, go out looking really good and come home happy. Let him wonder why?
Be nice to him, have fun and laugh with the children in front of him and let him feel like he wants to join in. Pull out some old photos of the both of you together put them in photo frames and in view for him to walk past and notice, so he starts remembering what you both have together. I still think start kissing him, rub his back or even just hug him, touch his hand. Give it a go again, I know it hurts when he doesn’t react, but remember he is home with you and your children, take advantage of that. See if there is something that needs to be done at home, and ask him to do it, and when he does it, say thank you for doing that for me I appreciate it. They like to feel needed, so let him feel needed.
I started doing all of that, and it did make a huge difference, it took time. After 22yrs of marriage things become comfortable, we just expect to be together forever, we know each other in and out, have truly settled down, until something like this happens. I know, I’m 22 yrs as well. The truth is we always need to keep working at protecting our marriage, I honestly thought we were doing a good job, but in actual fact my h was broken, if he is broken then I needed to try and fix him, make him feel important, so he can then make me important to him again. Ohh it used to hurt when I would do all these things and he would accept it all but not give it in return. Until one day, he finally told me he loved me again, and has ever since.
I would give him cards telling him what he meant to me, he wouldn’t read them in front of me, but he did when I wasn’t with him.
I know it is such an effort to throw yourself out to someone that isn’t showing anything in return, but you have to know you captured his heart once. You will also know in your heart you did all you could to save your marriage if it doesn’t work out, you can hold your head up high and walk away without any regrets, because you tried.
They say here, give yourself a year before making any decisions, I would agree with that, emotions are high and all over the place especially early on.
SR, thank you. Of course it made me cry but I know that you understand the fear of putting yourself back out there. He did love me once I know he did because I felt it in our everyday life. Thank you for showing me such kindness and support. I feel as if you all have become very dear friends.
Ssm, think of it this way. How difficult is it to not be affectionate to someone that is kissing you, hugging you, speaking loving to you, being happy around you, touching your hand and who truly wants you around. How hard is it not to let your guard down, when someone is loving you. It’s hard to not eventually return that love and affection. this is an everyday effort I put into my marriage now when my husband is at home with me or not. The best thing you have on your side is history and a family with him, remember that.your h has lost his way, he just needs to be guided back to reality,
We do care and we have been there. I wanted so much for my marriage to be the one with the ‘happy ending’ despite some crappy choices along the way. But I couldn’t do it alone. He wanted to pretend but I have to say that ultimately I did everything I could. He chose to stay in the fog. I’m not so sad so much now. But it comes and goes. I think now my only choice is to keep facing the future instead of looking back. You can do it, whatever ‘it’ may be. Trust your gut. Mine was always right, even when I was telling it to shut up and didn’t want to listen to it.
Stl, that’s the thing, you tried and eventually if you get nothing in return after trying you get tired. You come to a point where it is just enough.
You my dear can hold your head up high, you tried, even under the pressure of an affair that your h brought into your lives. You tried. Your h can’t say that, he chose his fantasy land.
You came to a point where you needed to think of yourself, your health, and it is the best thing you can do for yourself. You know you can be happy and that is what you deserve. I know your h will one day return from the fog, back into reality and when that day hits he will realise what he lost. Unfortunately for him you would have already moved on with your life in which he is not apart of, he will be the one that is stuck in his own misery of losing you.
You are strong and deserve so much happiness in your life as well as love. Remember it is his loss.
Thank you SR. And it was not just one, but two affairs, both physical and emotional. The second one is still ongoing. And I am moving on. Way happier not wondering what he’s up to, and what he’s not strong enough to do.
I can understand that, because I know when my h was still lying about seeing his ow, it drained me that much that I was ready to move on, because I was tired of always wondering what he was doing, stressing myself out just thinking, so I was ready.
It was the want of feeling free to be yourself again, being able to move on. I’m sorry your h was such an ass doing this to you at all, need alone twice. Remember though, it was his problem, his selfishness behaviour, his neediness. You deserve better and I know you will get better than what he gave you, he will see you happy and it will eat him up inside because he stuffed up, not you.
You deserve this time to find yourself happiness, and I know it will come because all of that negativity is behind you.
STL, I believe that you will have a wonderful life not just because you deserve it but because your kindness will bring kindness back to you. I truly believe that you reap what you sow and because you have sown seeds of goodness, they will multiply and come back to you. Peace and love be with you on your journey.
STL,
Difficult days will be ahead but the more good ones out weigh the bad ones.
Breathing is so much easier.
You deserve the best, don’t let him bring you down again.
I have been in tough with my ex thru email (I blocded him from my phone).
I printed out the emails and I realized he is more of an ass than I thought.
The constant put downs to me and the control!!!
These emails opened up amnew door for me. For once I didn’t cry yesterday. It felt great!
It took a long time for me to get there but I’m there.
Be patient with yourself and remember, it’s all about you, because you are what matters!!
I so appreciate your support and love. It’s amazing to have this connectedness even though we’ve never met face to face! I agree with all of you, better times ahead…and for each of you, too. I hope the holidays are a great family time. My family looks different now, my hopes not fulfilled, but I am making good choices, I am taking care of myself, and I will survive!
0 for me. The shit finally hit the fan. the ow’s h blew the lid off saturday and told her he knows and told her to tell her parents because he intended to tell them the real reason he asked for a divorce. within an hour my h called me and said we had to talk. when I got home he informed me he had been lieing to me and was in an affair for over a year. caught them after a month ea and had been telling me no contact for 2 years. no contact only lasted two months. he tld me he wanted to come clean and was done lieing. but since I already knew the answers to the questions I asked I knew it was just more lies. he says they are in love and couldn’t stay away from each other. says he can’t be in love with me. whining how he will be alone. she has 2 kids so no cohabitatng. the day after it came out she wrote him an email saying she loved him enough to let him go and he should salvage his life. I laughed out loud when he said she gave him an out. he was saying how wonderful she is to do that. I told him it was a game to get reassurance. the two of them were in a frenzy because her h says he has photos. my h feared a lawsuit for alienation of affection and that her h would use evidence to give her less money. her h is a good man and only wanted to have satisfaction of telling her she didn’t get away with it. she hs seen a lawyer and has to know the law does not care about adultery. Just another way she is playing my h. he won’t evensay he wants a divorce. he will make me do it. he has agreed to waive his rights as I make more money. should probably divorce quickly before he changes his mind.
Wow Disappointed! So I bet your husband is $#!+ing his pants now. “She loved him enough to let him go” – what a joke!
Changing his phone and phone number thinking he was hacked by the ow’s h. Talks about how violated they feel. imagine how her h and I feel. a two year double life… and she left a 15-17 year marriage without telling the truth. no empathy whatsoever.
Disappointed: If she loved him so much, which involves being a friend, she would never have teamed up with him for a lying and cheating frenzie against his family, same goes for your husband. They both love themselves more than anything or anyone else. They are a toxic greedy combination.
I do believe that the cheaters that feel true remorse, not just because they got caught, but because of how they purposely decieved people who they were supposed to protect are the ones that will grow in thier spirit.
Your husband, sounds like he is stunted in growth of empathy among other things. He is cruel and coldhearted to you. Don’t let his toxic behaviour define YOU or destroy you, Disappointed. You need people in your life that make you want to be a better person. I hope you can get some counselling for your grief. It’s time to stop thinking of him and what you want from him and start only thinking of yourself and what you want for yourself. No one can gift this to you but you. The hardest thing I found in this recovery was to focus on positive thoughts. (hardest thing I’ve ever done due to PTSD) When I do think positive, good things came to me. When I smile, people smile back. There’s lots of people out there that appreciate the small gift of a smile. This helps me realize with or without my husband, I can be happy and make others feel happy too.
Disappointed, you will be so much better off without this lying ass. I doubt the “love” of the cheaters will last much longer now that it’s being exposed. She sounds like the player in this relationship. My condolences to you.
Thanks everyone. They love drama that’s for sure. Rock bottom has yet to hit my h. Tonight I talked with a friend that my husband used as an alibi. when I got home he was disdainful of me for talking with her. I think he is afraid people will side with me. he has no friends. He says I am the negative one, but for the most part it is him.
I think I am finally seeing him more clearly without the love goggles. I watch him twist everything around to suit his purposes. Tonight it is how everything comes to an end. It ending because he chose to end it. He will never be happy. I have to keep telling myself this may be my way to happiness. No more daily beratements for being who I am. maybe even love, appreciation and selfless caring. I am sad for him tonight. he will make everything awful eventually. Just hoping for much sooner than later.
Well I have now officially gone from a 3 to a 0. My H admitted that he still loves the OW and I ask him to leave.
SSM, Boy I’m real sorry to hear that. Keep us updated.