If you are the unfaithful spouse, what might serve you best right now is trying to empathize with your betrayed spouse.

Empathize With Your Betrayed Spouseby Sarah P.

If you are an unfaithful spouse, sometimes you have a hard time comprehending the absolutely visceral pain that your spouse goes through after he/she finds out about your affair.

I would like to give you a glimpse into his/her world so that you will understand where the tearfulness and rage comes from.

First, I will give you a window into the world of anonymous betrayed spouses by including some of their own words about their spouse’s affair. That way, you can hear it from the horse’s mouth.

One anonymous, betrayed spouse said, “Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self-esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.”

Most recently, France’s President, Francois Hollande, had an affair. In an interview with The Guardian, his wife eloquently said, “I felt utterly undermined; insecure in a way I had never felt insecure before. Everything we had built up in our life, the investment we had put into our family, the plans we had for our future, the entire existence we had together, went in an instant from being the solid structure around me to a house of cards that might be about to tumble down, and that I had no idea whether I would be able to rebuild it alone. Worse – and this really was the worst of all – I felt like an outsider in my own marriage.”

But, those are only a glimpse of the never-ending well of pain that your infidelity has caused your spouse. I assume that like most people, you would like to perceive yourself as a nice guy or gal. Well, I will say this: people who are truly nice choose not to have affairs. You see, to be a ‘nice person’, you must behave as a nice person.

See also  Even a Good Thing Can Be an Affair Trigger

So how do you begin to help your spouse recover after an affair? Well, the thing that will serve you well at this time is by developing a deep sense of empathy for your spouse. I will briefly address a couple of the ways to do that.

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The Cheater Must Become the Healer
“The Unfaithful Person's Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair”

If you want to discover the 24 healing ‘tasks’ that the unfaithful spouse needs to carry out, then you should check this program out now.

Get Out of Denial

The first step toward empathizing begins with throwing out all of your denial—all of it. You must put aside all of the excuses and allow yourself to feel sorrowful because you willingly engaged in an act that is the most destructive exploit that a marriage can suffer.

You must drop the excuse that your needs were not getting met. You must drop the excuse that the other woman/man did not mean anything. You must stop side-stepping the fact that you acted selfishly and also willingly performed an act that could be the very death of a marriage.

Here is something to think about that is sobering. Most people would not take the time to harm their worst enemies the way that an affair harms your spouse. So, why would you treat your spouse worse than your enemy?

You must also drop any illusions where you believe that what you did had a ‘romantic’ element. You must especially drop the belief that had you not been married, your cheating partner would have been your ‘soulmate.’

See also  4 Steps for Releasing Guilt and Gaining Forgiveness

It is not possible to recover from an affair while believing you acted on a missed soulmate opportunity. (In fact, when I hear this from the unfaithful, I just want to spend the rest of my life vomiting on their lap).

The fact of the matter is, a soulmate relationship can only be born out of something good. If you believe in soulmate theory, which is rooted in spirituality, you will also have to believe the whole of soulmate theory. That is, God or “the universe” does not put your alleged “soulmate” in your path while you are married.

If you believe this, you are engaging in a very deleterious form of denial. God and/or the universe does not play dice with people’s hearts. So, please do us all a favor and take off your rose-colored glasses. The other person was never better than your spouse and he/she was never worth it.

Empathize with Your Betrayed Spouse – Put Yourself in Your Spouse’s Place

I am now going to ask yourself to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Another betrayed spouse gives you a little guidance on how to do this. She says, “If you truly are remorseful, then you will weep for what you have done to your spouse…the one that you promised to love, honor, and cherish.

You will put your own feelings aside and do whatever, and I mean whatever, it takes to try and make her whole again. Cheating is wrong. YOU were wrong. There is no way to explain what you did or justify what you did. It matters not what was happening in your marriage…it is irrelevant. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies cheating…ever.”

See also  Trying to Get Inside the Mind of the Other Woman - 5 Reasons the OW Does What She Does

In a nutshell, this is really the gist of it. If you want to empathize with your spouse, you must understand that you were fully wrong and put aside all justification. But, you must also realize the gravity of what you done, so that you will truly weep, as you understand that you have killed trust, love, and most of all, you have killed the significance of everything you and your spouse have gone through since your actions have nullified the vows you took on your wedding day.

Only until you understand the harm you have done and you look at that harm in the sober light of day, only then will you begin to empathize with your spouse—and only then can your marriage begin to heal.


    36 replies to "Unfaithful Spouses: Ways to Empathize With Your Betrayed Spouse"

    • loveheals

      When I saw the title of this article I was optimistic that it would carefully and respectfully craft the start of a path to empathy by the betraying spouse while not let them off the hook for their hurtful behavior. While I believe that the righteous anger of the injured partner over the affair is appropriate (I come from the perspective of the injured after my man’s numerous affairs) and this article made some good points, things got derailed into hostility here and there.
      Spend the rest of your life vomiting into someone’s lap? Nice people don’t have affairs? I’m not interested in vomiting on a human being (our relationships have been sullied enough by the affair). If we are asking our betraying partners to empathize we must assume that there is a goodness remaining at their core that makes them capable of empathy. Why else would we want to explore healing the relationship with them? Personally, if someone really is not a good or nice person I don’t want the burden of teaching them not to be a sociopath…I would want out. If I stand instead by the principle that we are all a combination of good and flawed then I want my betraying partner to instead lovingly bear witness to my pain and hold sacred space for me while I heal. I want him, on a daily basis, to check in with me, to grow, to study, to shed tears of understanding. Believe me, I give him the business and let him know that his behavior was indeed cruel and harmed me to my core. He needs to know this, and I need to know that he cares enough to bind up my wounds.
      They do have a duty to hold our hands through our labor of healing and accept every tear with kind understanding. We do have the right to express our pain. My hope is that my man and I are able to stand in our circle of love again to hear and see each other as whole human beings. If that isn’t possible it’s time for me to move on. I start with self-compassion.
      Guest Poster, thank you for your willingness to take up this difficult topic. You make some valid points. Sometimes must rail against the ferocity of our injuries. And while we’re at it, I hope to find the grace to make room for us all to heal. That is my prayer.

      • Olivia

        IT would be so easy to jump on board with this article and share the hostility, but I am with you on this..I don’t want more cruelty. I wanted to be able to share this article with my partner to help him understand about empathy… but I can’t. He would hate this and feel attacked and crawl deeper into the shell he has created around his life to protect himself from what he has done and rebel against me for showing it to him….It is not carefully written…care full. And perhaps people don’t think the offender should be cared for but it is my job in asking for empathy to also give empathy. To understand his POV… it has taken a year of the most intense pain and grief i have EVER felt in my life in order to come to this but I need to have empathy…not for his benefit ,b ut for my healing. Truthfully, the only time I feel better about what has happened is when I feel empathy for him because I forget my own suffering.. I would much rather be the person who was cheated on than the person who cheated… That is why I didn’t and he did. So my only work in this life is to stay int he moment and feel all the empathy I can…because it is not possible to feel empathy for him with out first understanding that I am ok and I am good and kind… So in a sense , i feel empathy for myself before i feel empathy for him…

        • DianeW

          This is the problem, and why many don’t get the empathy they deserve; it’s all this babying and dealing with kid gloves, and walking on egg shells. I think this article was brillantly written and applaud the author. She is a straight shooter. As a betrayed spouse I tried from the perspective that Olivia and loveheals are coming from, and there may be some small validity there, but even with counseling and affair recovery courses, my husband was never ever to face himself fully. Oh, he did all kinds of partial work. I discovered he was petrified of real vulnerability that had to do with his childhood unbeknownst to him. The point is cheaters need to know the hard core truth and I saw nothing wrong with the article. The vomit part was just a joke or for entertainment purposes. I found it funny. I knew she did not mean for us to take that literally. It was to make a point and I understood it. These men (and women) who cheat are adults, and have always known cheating is dead wrong. It’s there responsibility to dive in and do what needs to be done to help their partners heal. I hear about too many cheaters who want to be pacified and the center of attention. That type of selfishness is what got them in trouble in the first place. They absolutely need to understand fully the depths of the pain they caused and we need to stop calling them nice guys. We can say he is nice sometimes, but the author is spot on, that nice people don’t do that to loved ones, unless they are sick. I’ve never had an enemy do anything remotely as bad to me. The cheaters need to know just how bad their actions are. We did not say we are not willing to forgive, or even rebuild, but if they are left to deny the degree of damage and harm they have done, they continue to be sick.

      • Diane

        I think they need a good dose of reality. Letting them not be fully accountable and responsible for the damage and trauma they have caused is what often holds them back. Too many people will not stand and live in the truth. When betrayers don’t respond properly and act as though they don’t understand the magnitude of their deception and betrayal, is often a gateway to evading full accountability.

      • Andrea

        Wow! What you have written is so valuable to me, and I’m certain other spouse’s as well. Thank you.

    • Shifting Impressions

      I got chills reading this as it so precisely describes how I feel!

    • loveheals

      p.s. Lest you think I’m letting my man off the hook, I am not. I am holding his feet to the fire. Yesterday I read a wonderful book by Linda MacDonald called Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I wept with gratitude. It brought to mind something I read years ago that said there’s nothing so bad about a marriage/relationship that an affair can’t make it even worse. This little book has been spying on my relationship, my every emotion and I’m thankful because I don’t feel so alone. Someone understands our pain as betrayed spouses. We are not perfect, we are not eligible for sainthood: We are hurting, justifiably so. It’s powerful grief. I am a hospice nurse and I hold space for the dying and their loved ones and bear witness to their lives because that is what they need. And so do we, the aggrieved partners as we work hard to heal.

      • Olivia

        I don’t think you are at all… And I will purchase the book… I still have so far to come and so much healing to do… I never thought I could feel pain like this.

    • Untold

      Although a few remarks may be extreme. Guestposter does convey the emotion of the betrayed. What we long for after such betrayal is that empathy, that sense that our unfaithful partner understands what they put us through. As such, they treat us with care and respect and tenderness to rebuild what they tore down.

      I just haven’t seen that sustained in my CW. Maybe for a day or two, then dismissal, ignorance, avoidance, denial. Why is that? It sure seems like it is too hard for her to handle what she did.

      Why can they not own up to it? Will they ever feel the depth of pain they caused? We can’t make them feel it can we? So many “techniques” like the 180 are offered? Do any work? I believe the only thing that would get her to feel that pain would be for me to leave or to suddenly pass. Neither are very good for me or my family.

      I guess if the betrayal appears to be over, and we’re getting along OK, then just carry on. Make due. Look past it. Offer it up. It’s our cross to carry. A fitting analogy on this Good Friday.

      • loveheals

        Dear Untold,

        I agree with you. My pain is fresh, I cry every day. I lost my job. I was hospitalized, I now suffer from major depression and most days I can barely get out of bed. I miss the me who was once a strong, resilient, productive and happy person. My unfaithful partner was brutal during the affair. He lied every day, ridiculed my anguish and went to great lengths to be with his affair partner who was young enough to be his daughter. She was arm candy. Yes, I want him to feel every bit of my pain in an empathetic way. It is his job to clean up the big mess he made of things. I can only clean up my own side of the street. I have said some terrible things to him because of my pain.
        I don’t feel personally critical of the author. She/he took on the most difficult topic and captured it well for so many. Perhaps the reason I responded so viscerally to the vomit statement is because that is what I feel my man and his affair partner did to what was once our intimate, loving, caring partnership.
        Thank you all for being so brave in sharing your experiences. You have certainly opened some eyes today.
        I wish that more betraying partners would read this web site. Mine does. It’s a start. We’ve had a rough go of it lately. I’m in the worst pain of my life. D-Day was around November 20, 2014.

        • Untold

          LH – Sorry for your fresh open wounds. if he’s reading that’s a good sign. It unravels their delusion, bursts their bubble. That bubble maintains their oxygen level. Try another site too. Jeff Murrah – Survive your partners affair. He exposes some detailed, obscure but valid elements of affairs. Unafraid to tackle the tough subjects.

          Happy Easter.

          • loveheals

            Thank you. Your kind understanding is appreciated.

        • Shifting Impressions

          you mention numerous affairs. When is enough, enough? To go through this process numerous times is beyond understanding. I’m not sure I would have the strength.

          • loveheals

            SI, his other affairs happened over a period of about 9 years and then he stopped about 15 years ago. I only knew about 2 of the affairs until recently. Our relationship had grown into something good and wholesome. Then last year he met his EA partner. It was emotionally intense. They didn’t have sex but kissed passionately. He invited her on overnight trips but I discovered the affair before they took it to the next level. He’s remorseful but something isn’t quite right yet. I need him to do more. He doesn’t understand triggers. For instance, there’s a shirt I’m going to ask him to get rid of but haven’t told him yet. That’s coming soon and I’m hoping it will bring a productive and enlightening discussion about triggers.

            • Rachel

              Take the shirt and grow it in the garbage.
              If he questions where it is just say, where did you leave it last?

            • Shifting Impressions

              That is a lot to deal with. My heart breaks for you. I am sort of Rachel with the shirt. Thanks for sharing your story.

        • Diane

          Dear Loveheals, first off, I want to say that I am very sorry that this happened to you, and while I don’t know you, I am sending you a big hug. Hang in there and remember, God is still on the throne, and will be rather you stay with your partner or leave. Often, these cheaters are not worth it and are holding us back. There are all kinds of positive possibilities for us in this world!!

    • Tabs


      This post and the previous “Why Some Betrayed Spouses Have a Hard Time Getting Over an Affair” go together. One of the reasons I can’t heal is because I feel my CS “had his cake and got to eat, too”. I haven’t felt any empathy from him in a long, long time. I can’t figure out if he’s in denial (again) or just doesn’t realize the pain he’s inflicted. So when you say the “betrayal is over and we’re getting along OK, just carry on. Make due. Look past it. Offer it up. It’s our cross to carry.” I totally understand where you’re coming from. And, it sucks.

      • Strengthrequired

        Tabs, I feel the same way. I find it hard getting past my h affair, because he forsaken me and our marriage as well as our family we created. He doesn’t like to talk about it, he just wants us to forget and move on. How do you move on when you feel so deeply betrayed, while you remained faithful. He had his cake, he ate it too. All at our expense, my health. I can’t help the sarcastic comments either, guess hurt does that to you. I tell him often if you don’t like it go to her. Something that keeps coming to my mind, is how much disrespect he showed me and the love I have for him, I wonder how dos someone that love you do that to you. More and more I feel like this, like I’m no longer in fighting mode, even caring so much. I feel at times I’m even pulling away, because of the extent of his affair, how long it went on for the lies to keep it going, all at the sake of me, as well as our children. Maybe as well because he has been unable to provide me all the answers I needed to heal truthfully without pussy footing around it. It’s strange place to be in when you love someone so much that you find yourself pulling away, probably because of the fear of being hurt again, and possibly lies being revealed in the future that have not come from him but someone else that could possibly break us, set me back to dday, all because he thought he could keep it secret. I think that is where I am, afraid of looking forward to the future.

        • Strengthrequired

          You know what I have noticed, my h does not like being told how much of a liar he was during his affair. He gets offended and says ” ohh I’m a liar, ok”. Well yes you were a liar, probably still are, but also a dirty stinking Cheater. That tag is what he wears now. I wish time could erase that fact. Who would want to ever have that tag on them?

          • Untold

            Sounds familiar. My w has said “well maybe I’m not really an honest, sincere person”, and “well I guess I’m not a committed spouse”. Then there’s the universal “don’t be so self-righteous” and “I’m not perfect like you”. It’s hard to relate to someone who would say that, much less deal with them in a respectfull manner..

            • Rachel

              Untold, key word is RESPECT!

            • Strengthrequired

              Untold, well she isn’t an honest sincere person, and she has shown that her committment isn’t that crash hot either. Just like all of our spouses here. Hopefully for our sakes, that sincere, honest trustworthy and committed spouse we knew and loved doesn’t disappear again.

            • Andrea

              Strengthened-Are you certain she was truly honest and committed before the EA?

    • MM

      There is so much more complexity to an affair than is being acknowledged here.

      • loveheals

        MM, you are correct, it is a complex subject. I think that’s why there are so many books and articles on the topic. It’s limitless, and each person has their own perspective.
        I appreciate the feelings expressed here. Until I could hear and read the words of others who have been there I felt so isolated and forsaken. It’s healing to know that others understand.

    • antiskank

      Isn’t it interesting that all of the comments to an article directed toward cheaters are from the betrayed spouses?

      Are the cheaters really interested in doing everything they can to repair the damage? I often feel that my CH, although professing remorse and a willingness to do whatever is necessary – is only following my lead and adjusting his behaviour to mathc, but doing the bare minimum to get by. If I don’t bring up any issues, he sure won’t. As much as we keep hearing that the cheaters don’t like us to keep asking questions, I think we would stop if we ever got the answers we are looking for. For me the lying never stopped. When I wasn’t hearing lies, it was – “I don’t remember”, I’m not sure”, “I don’t know”. I have never had a straight answer to a question and it takes an hour just to get one simple question answered in an unsatisfactory manner.

      As for empathy and a complete understanding of the damage done, the pain caused, the absolute wrongness of the whole affair, I just don’t think it’s there. I am very sure he is sorry that he has to answer questions and sorry that he is now known to be a cheating, vengeful, inconsiderate, disrespectfuil liar, but to feel or understand how I feel – no! I think it is quite possible that he (and some others) still believe that their affair with their “true love” was the real thing, that they gave up a chance at eternal bliss for our benefit and as such feel they are a martyr that has done everything they are willing to do for us. What more could we possibly want?

      I am still trying very hard to get my life and marriage back together and we are playing the “I love you” game and being very nice to each other but there are still issues brewing below the surface that I have ignored just to get a rest from the constant stress. I know that they have to be dealt with and it makes me feel very anxious to go there again.

      How do you trust that this person is now telling the truth? How do you get back the feelings of safety – that he really does love you, desire you, understand you? Is he still comparing you unfavoroubly to his OW and to every hot babe half your age? How do you get the trust back? the love back? the happiness back? the peace and wellbeing of security in your marriage? How do you make the doubts go away? How can you ever feel that you are a couple again? I haven’t felt married or part of a team in so long!

      It is nearly 3 years for me since the first D-Day and I am feeling almost panicked because I am feeling the passage of time with this not “fixed” yet. I am so grateful that I can come to this site and see that I am not alone in having this happen to me but I want to know that there are complete successes afterward, too. In reading some of the comments from the rest of you, I can see that being betrayed has very long term effects. Is it possible to ever feel “right” again? Do any of you truly feel that their CS is back in the marriage 100%? …or am I just so afraid of being betrayed again that I can’t believe it can happen?

      • Strengthrequired

        Antiskank, your not alone in your thoughts. It’s been just over three years since dday for me, and I don’t feel safe, secure, as loved as before, I dont believe much of anything my h says, I try, but it doesn’t work. He too doesn’t understand the magnitude of pain he placed on me, the damage caused. I still feel he blames me for his short comings. No blame at all is ever placed on the ow either, by him. So I do often think he still gas feelings, and I have stopped him from being with his one true love, yet I have told him over and over to go be with her. He doesn’t.
        He tells me he can’t talk to me, he still won’t share passwords. I feel like I have put in the effort, each time not much in return, except that ” ohh my lucky stars, he is here”. Sarcasim. I have told him that after more than twenty years of marriage, I feel like he treats me like a stranger in his life. Yes I love him, but love will only take you so far. Instead of me feeling like I have all the work to do to keep working on our marriage, I hope he eventually wakes up, that just because he is the breadwinner, that’s all the work he needs to do, that I should be happy.
        So if you happen to find the answers to your questions, let me know too, please.

    • TrustingGod

      Let us all know if you find those answers. It doesn’t help me to know sometimes that other women are getting the same treatment from their husband as I am, when they are further down the road. If, a year and half from now, I still hear, “don’t trust me then,” when I express my frustration at having difficulty trusting and believing him, I feel that all the effort I will have put into the marriage will have been wasted. And I’m starting to get to the point that I am so tired of pretending everything is okay, just so that he doesn’t avoid or stonewall me. I definitely don’t feel like my husband is some martyr for staying with me, entirely the opposite, since last night. I have tried to hold out hope, but all I see is that same minimal effort you’re talking about and zero attempt to understand why I can’t just forget everything, even if I have forgiven. My husband wants to be let off the hook, and just to think about the future, and to be happy now, completely forgetting the past. I had forgotten most of the past until he did this to us. It’s really obvious to me that he only wants me if I will continue to make his life easier by pretending. So now I just want out. Maybe then the nightmares would stop, at least.

    • JB

      I find myself on here in the search of learning empathy. I keep searching the internet and I feel this is one of the more real articles. I am the guilty one. I am the one who shattered my wife’s entire world when I came home this fall and admitted I had been texting off and on with another woman for nearly 5 years and eventually slept with her… one time but that’s all it takes to be a cheater. I see that is not fully true… I think the cheating starts the second you know what your doing is wrong (responding to a facebook message, or text) and you do it anyways.
      I didn’t go out looking for sex or even someone to talk to. I never thought I was “that guy” the problem is, everyone is capable of failing and it starts with boundaries. By thinking I wasn’t that guy, I didn’t make proper boundaries and this is so dangerous.
      So now I have broken everything good. I have wrecked and obliterated my wife’s innocent belief that although things weren’t always great, that she was SAFE when it comes to this area. I broke her.
      I have been transparent with my wife, answering the questions she asks and clarifying if requested. I don’t offer unsolicited details (talking about the specifics of the sex) but if she asks I answer. I have done all the things she asks.. ask her how she is doing, tell her she is beautiful, make sure she knows she is MOST important to me. When she is triggered I dont make excuses and I validate her feelings. We go to marriage counseling, I go to individual counseling (to learn more about boundaries). The one thing I feel I can do better is empathy.. and I am not sure I know how. I try to put myself in her shoes.. but I am a black and white personality, a fixer. I put myself in her shoes and I just try to fix it but that’s not what empathy is. I grew up in the home of a police officer, my dad loved me very much but he didn’t do a great job expressing it. I SUCK at expressing my feelings and showing emotion… but I need to do better if I want my wife to heal. But How? I am not making excuses I know I need to be better, I want to be better but I don’t know how.
      I see a lot of comments on here are from the betrayed spouse. I get this is a LONG HARD ROAD.. but is there hope? Like really? I want my wife to have her security back and I know its up to me to give it. Is it possible for her to get that back?

      • Nicole

        I read that shame and guilt are still about you and your own feelings about what you’ve done to another. True remorse is when you focus on the pain and hurt you’ve caused another.
        Many of us add virus protection to our computers, yet we don’t take the same precautions to protect our marriages. Clicking on certain sites can invite viruses on our computers, and sometimes we are tricked and scammed. Or we think it’s worth the risk to visit, after all it seems harmless until your computer starts slowing down. Once the virus is there, it runs in the background of our marriage…and well you know how well a computer runs with a virus. That’s what’s happening to your marriage. You allowed a virus in. Now it’s your job to fix it!
        Clean your computer up, and update your virus protection. Inform your spouse about the program you’ve installed and how it will protect your computer (marriage) and how you’ll keep them updated as to how it’s working. Fix it!
        You have to actively show up in your marriage. If you still keep a person’s number in your contacts. You are disrespecting your spouse and not protecting your marriage. Fix it. Clean up your side of the street and prove it!
        Would you feel respected if they didn’t keep you informed about how they were really making changes to protect and fix the damage they caused?

    • Shifting Impressions

      There is hope…..but it takes time. It’s been four years since d-day for me and slowly the feelings of trust, love and security are coming back.

      Empathy is important but I’m not sure if the CS will ever truly understand what it feels like to be so betrayed by your partner,

      Do the best you can…be honest, open and transparent. Be patient, kind and loving. Be accountable and never seek to blame your wife for your actions. Try understand what it was inside of you that allowed you to do something so damaging.

      Some of the work that has to be done is the responsibility of the Betrayed spouse….give her the time and space to do that.

      I wish you all the best in this difficult journey.

    • T

      I betrayed my partner during a separation and I feel terrible for lying to her about it and for doing it in the first place. I want to understand how she feels but the only feeling she expresses is anger and when I try to validate that, she tells me I have no empathy that im not trying to put myself in her shoes. If I ask questions, she tells me I’m trying to avoid the subject, if I try to tell her what I think she’s feeling, she tells me I’m just coming up with words. I feel like I’m at a wall. I want to understand. I’d feel betrayed and disgusted if she did what I did but I’m obviously missing something.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Maybe she is not ready to share with you the pain that is most likely under the anger.

        Did this happen recently?

        • E

          I too recently made a terrible mistake. I make no excuses for it and have taken full responsibility and owned up to what I have done. Going through this and seeing how much I have hurt my spouse has really made me look at myself. I know you want so badly to fix your relationship and get everything back to “normal” as do I. But honestly, normal was not ok. Something was wrong that caused us to betray the person we love the most. I have really been putting in work and working hard on myself. I have a new perspective at how I see my relationship and honestly just life period. I am not a bad person, although when this all first came out I felt like I was, I just made a mistake. You must forgive yourself and really figure out why you did what you did. If you are able to work on yourself and change yourself if will help the healing process. I have also began seeing a counselor, my spouse did not want to go and I understand but decided to go anyway to work on me. I feel really good changes within myself and I know we can survive this. But learning to better yourself will help the recovery process. I don’t know how long this will take and it’s scary but my marriage is worth it. Just hang in there, they are angry and with reason, we have to learn to be okay with them showing their feelings in whatever way they can. Right now it sounds like she needs time and you must be understanding of that. It’s hard. Every day will be different. Some days may be great and others may be terrible. When I see my spouse having a hard day I just send him a text or simply tell him that I will give him space but that I am here if he needs me and that I love him very much. He appreciates it, whether it helps or not, I’m not sure, I don’t think he is sure other. Just give it time, be patient, be understanding, be loving and don’t stop fighting.

    • Jozanne

      This is the first and I mean first writing on this topic that SPOKE to my cheating husband. For those of you that think the vomit point was a bridge to far- then ignore it and take way from it what you will but this is the voice of hurt and the voice of a BRIGHT AND SHINING MIRROR that cheaters need to look into. I pray that more cheaters and their spouses find this article.

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