We received an email from our friend, Dr. Bob Huizenga (Author of Break Free From the Affair) and we wanted to share it with you today. As usual, he has some good, hard-hitting, honest insights that you should consider if you are suffering from infidelity.
Uncover the 2 Lies About Infidelity
Infidelity has invaded the most sacred part of your life – your marriage.
You are devastated.
You want your marriage back.
You want your life back.
You want your spouse back.
Your world has become a nightmare that in your most wild dreams never thought would happen.
Discovering the infidelity and then coping with it is crazy time.
Yes, you wake to a new world; that is if you can manage any sleep.
The infidelity haunts you day and night. Thoughts of him and her and you constantly intrude and disturb, regardless of what you do.
Infidelity is like a huge dark wet blanket that covers you and sucks the joy, hope and trust from your soul.
If only you would have…. Where did I go wrong? What’s wrong with me!?
And the rage, the burning inside and the images of hatred – what you thought you were incapable of thinking – consume your mind.
You can’t trust. S/he has become a stranger you try to talk with and maybe sleep with.
And, what do you do?
You’ve tried everything: you’ve been nice, trying to understand; you’ve tried to meet needs, to do what you believe you should have done; you try to recapture the romance, you suggest counseling, you make personal changes that s/he will notice, you beg, you plead, you rage and you scream.
Nothing seems to work.
And, you are depleted, beyond frustration, exhausted, bone weary and border on hopeless.
Maybe this is the end, you think.
This is not a pretty picture. But, it’s a picture I’ve encountered with literally thousands who suffer from infidelity. If you are in pain and I mean severe pain and distress, you certainly are not alone.
Facing infidelity is more difficult than facing death. I’ve heard these words over and over again: “It would be easier if s/he died!”
OK. Two questions: Why in the world is the discovery of infidelity so devastatingly painful and what can you do to calm your pain and take constructive thoughtful action that stands a good chance of stopping the affair and getting your life, marriage and spouse back?
My clinical experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981 and observer of our world, links these two questions.
Here’s what the world (the media, your friends, self help gurus and even the professional community) subtly screams at you:
YOU are at fault!
What did you do wrong? Didn’t you meet his/her needs? Can’t you keep your man/woman? Why not? You weren’t good enough in the bedroom? Weren’t romantic enough? Didn’t listen well? Did you take him her for granted? Did you nag and complain too much? Didn’t you give enough attention? Don’t you know how to communicate? Remember, it takes two to tango!
The majority of counselors, when infidelity is discovered, basically convey, “Let’s take a look at the marriage and see if we can fix the problems there…and then infidelity will take care of itself.”
Wrong!
You are not at fault! The “marriage” is not to blame!
His/her choice to have an affair had absolutely nothing to do with you or the “marriage.”
I know. It’s hard for you to emotionally buy that. Intellectually it perhaps makes sense, but your gut feels something different, doesn’t it?
Your gut twists with a sense of shame. You cannot let go of the invading thoughts of sexual and relational inadequacy. You think you are defective. Your heart feels the stabbing pain. Tears of sadness and regret flow at bad times. Your rage wants to explode in your chest.
You not only have a huge dilemma with your cheating partner, you have to fight conventional thinking and lame advice which points the finger of responsibility at you.
The huge success of my first ebook, “Break Free From the Affair” I discovered rests in the fact that most who read the ebook with in the first few hours feel tremendous relief. That relief emerges as it sinks deeply into the crevices of their pain that they are NOT at fault!
I’ve received countless emails thanking me for the shift in their feelings.
Here’s the second powerful lame thinking about infidelity you must face:
Infidelity is about “falling out of love” with you and “falling in love” with someone else.
I can’t be blunter: Infidelity has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with love.
Infidelity arises out of your spouse’s personal need system, and/or hormones, and/or character issues, and/or history and/or distorted thinking and/or immaturity.
Infidelity truly is an act of temporary insanity; it’s NOT an act of “falling in love” with someone else.
Now, again, this may sound good, but emotionally you struggle to get a handle on this.
Your world tells you that infidelity is about “falling in love” with someone else. And it is subtly glamorized. After all, isn’t “falling in love” the ultimate?
Wrong!
Infidelity is not about “love.”
Break Free From the Affair
In “Break Free From the Affair” I outline 7 unique types of affairs and the inner, hidden motives that result in each particular type of affair. And, those motives, believe me have absolutely nothing to do with love.
Again, readers email me regularly saying something like, “You are spot on! I can’t believe you understand my spouse so well and what’s happening. NOW I know what I’m really dealing with. Thank you also for outlining exactly what I can do to counter this type of affair. Wow! I feel so much better!”
My personal goal is to open new doors that will quickly reduce your pain, understand the folly of your spouse’s actions and move ahead with more confidence and hope.
Remember, You (or your marriage) is NOT at fault!
And, Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with love.
For more info on the 7 types of affairs that Bob refers to, click here.
To go to Bob’s website, click here.
50 replies to "Uncover the 2 Lies about Infidelity"
I got this email too the other day, and loved it. I almost mentioned it in here but have been too busy.
One thing I think is really good about this is it gets the attention back to where it belongs. The Cheater. Everyone is so quick, especially themselves, to try to put the blame on the betrayed victim. In most cases, like mine, the betrayed was doing their best, working, taking care of children, etc while the cheater was slacking off, whining about how their life was instead of taking any constructive action to improve it.. The betrayed was
I don’t know…… this email is right in who the blame is supposed to be on. But the general lapse of insanity thing I can’t buy! I’m 8 months past finding out about my wife’s 2 year fling. The I want to move on from this because I always loved you this was just an “escape” from etc. etc. still doesn’t fly! My wife literally picked a single (more of an asshole) me! I’ve learned to keep more of the jabs to myself of recently. Every time she likes to recall what we where doing last year or what our kids where doing, I want to throw out jabs about while we where doing family activities or just together how would text another man! But “I’ve always loved you” BS keeps coming up. Honestly she is my wife and she’ll get all of me until our kids are grown but I don’t see myself with her after that commitment if over!
The betrayed was usually the one “not getting their needs met,” anyway. I know I was, working my ass off while my husband was going his merry way, pursuing another selfish whore. I was too busy to consider what my needs even WERE. And was punished for it.
It’s refreshing to see a professional actually standing up for the bs and passing the reasoning of an affair back to where it belongs, the cheating spouse.
It’s also good to see that it isn’t about love at all, sometimes I tend to forget that. I need to keep reminding myself, my h affair had nothing to do with falling inlove with the ow and out of love with me.
“Infidelity arises out of your spouse’s personal need system, and/or hormones, and/or character issues, and/or history and/or distorted thinking and/or immaturity.”
Nearly 4 years into to recovery I have come to KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that each of these were causes for my H’s betrayal. No matter how hard he tries every now and again I see him slip into old patterns. These patterns remind me how and why the affair happened and how in NO WAY was I at fault even with my faults. I also thank God that one of the first statements out of the MC’s mouth was “This is not your fault. Hear me…this has nothing to do with you.”
Much like Giz said above and TH has said if anyone was not getting their VALID needs meet it was the BS. My H had become so self absorbed I felt like a single parent. I cannot think of one thing he did outside of pay the mortgage to support the family emotionally, physically and mentally. If wasn’t living in the house he probably would have stopped doing that too.
One last comment – I don’t think many CS love themselves very much either during the EA or after. Yes they are narcissistic but they really aren’t “caring” for themselves. It’s as if they are empty buckets with a hole in the bottom that cannot be filled with enough attention of any kind.
This has been the most helpful piece of fact and advice that I have received so far. I did blame myself, I did try to compete against the AP, I did try to become someone I wasn’t. This led to anxiety, depression and dramatic weight loss (another thing that was wrong with me).
Physically I was left a mess and now require surgery to repair the damage.
My strength is slowly coming back. My H has come around and is now after 18 weeks providing me with the support (best he can) to begin the healing process.
I love my H, but differently now. I also have lost respect for who he is as a person and as a professional.
This has been so far the most horrible thing that I have faced as a woman and human being. I would not wish this on even my worst enemy.
Thank you for all of the content- I look so forward to the emails and do find them to be helpful.
I agree that it does bring a huge sense of relief to see a professional with many years of experience debunking some of the lies and thinking that do nothing more than continue to heap pain upon the betrayed. It’s so freeing to finally come to a place of recognizing that the cheater’s choices are reflective of their own stuff…And for those who will wake up and own it, do the hard and often humiliating work that requires them to literally make an about face (like Doug has done) there is hope for the marriage. In the case of my former spouse, once he began down the road of allowing other women to muddy the waters, he just couldn’t muster up enough courage and character to do the right thing and his feet got stuck in a quicksand of bad choices, one after another. Thankfully, I’m done trying to help, support and make our marriage work. I have forgiven, but he can look to wherever and whomever he wants to now for the help and support and find out how solid that is in time.
I love how Bob explains how affairs have nothing to do with love. Brings a whole new light to it.
Of course it’s not love. Love doesn’t lie and hide away in the bushes in the dark of night. It’s all about the weakness of the infidel.
There’s no doubt that you might at some time want to quit loving someone and call it a day with a relationship. That’s ok. Do it, leave, you aren’t happy go find your happy BUT don’t go find your happy at my expense. Let me in on it, I deserve that at least. I’m a big girl, I can handle it. You may even choose to fall in love with someone else, MAZOL TOV!! Congrats you found love twice in a lifetime.
But saying you love someone else while staying in a committed relationship is not love. It’s only self love so why not just masturbate. It’s easier and cheaper.
I think we women especially want to romanticize relationships and that is why we have such a hard time dealing with our H’s infidelity. We perpetuate the fantasy believing our H’s somehow “loved” this OW and didn’t love us anymore. Well if he did he’d be with her right now and not us. If he loved her so much why did he do everything to hide it from us?? Why when given a chance, as I gave my H during the affair altho I still did not know about it, didn’t he leave. Why because he loved me and our life together and that is what has exactly helped us weather this storm.
Sure affairs break up a lot of relationships, but maybe they were bound to break up anyway, maybe not. I sure don’t judge any of those who said, “you know what, piss off liar”. But for those of us that haven’t for whatever reason and none is better than the other, I believe it’s imperative to see what the truth really is. This information that Bob brings is just one more to consider. Thanks for posting Doug and Linda.
After I read Bobs article, I realized it is so much easier to feel compassion for my husband when I see him as a flawed individual who needs HELP rather than the smug, self righteous creep he was as a cheater. I feel my main mistake all along was taking on the blame, which let him off too easily. No pain, no change. I did not “apply the correction” like Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer calls it. This was not about me, so I wasted a lot of time and effort trying to figure out how to fix me. I let this guy hold a slimy whore up as a role model for what he wanted. This was not about me being “a fat, lazy hoarder”, it was about him sneaking around with a whore while he was a MARRIED MAN. he broke the marriage vow, and lied to justify it to himself, not me.
Strength, I am so glad you read this cause it actually made me think of you and that it might help you.
Giz, Thankyou, I’m glad I read it too. Like you, I felt at times it was because she must have been better than me in so many ways. Only because anything I did, just was thrown back in my face. Deep down you know it’s not your fault and you know something, at the beginning I think I was probably more stronger with knowing who my h was and that this man was nothing short of a very depressed individual, who needed my help. I knew it just wasn’t him. Yet over time, you just start doubting yourself because of the lies and the constant betrayal with the ow, you start to believe it was love after all.
Yet every time there was a glimmer of hope, so you just stayed and weathered the storm, and every time I felt like leaving I thought of my kids, and how would I look to them if I had let their dad down by walking away from him , knowing that he needed help by me, not my back turned. Also, not wanting the sleezy whore to get near my children, also a very good reason. Lol
I like how the dr in the article also says that it was not the fault of your marriage either. We had a good marriage, yes like most here, he became self absorbed and it did feel like I was a single parent for a long time, but I just put it down to the long hours worked for the business. Like everyone else did.
I think now that I’m moving back soon, it has been the thought of facing all those that knew about my h affair, and still feeling humiliated, because as we all know, how they must look at us the way we came to look at ourselves, with what was wrong with her, what did she do to make her h cheat? How many will actually look at the cs and say, it was all about him, it was his fault. Not many, if any at all.
I’m not sure about the love part.
My ex said he’s in love with her and not me.
They were leaving their families to be together.
I really feel that he loved the beast.
Rachel
Your ex loves only one person. HIMSELF. Do you really believe he will ever love another woman to the depth that he loves himself? Maybe for a short time but pretty soon he will see that well she just doesn’t measure up to his standards and she will be out too. Mark my words and let’s meet up here again in 10 years to count how many people fell for his charm for a while:)
Rachel, if he really loved her, he would have been with her still, not with a different woman. As th said, he loves himself more than anyone else, no one will measure up.
Your a wonderful person Rachel, your husband traded down, don’t ever forget that. You on the other hand have someone that is treating you the way you deserve, enjoy it because after everything you have been through, you deserve it.
You guy make me laugh. And you are both 100% right!!!
Friday night was prom night for my youngest. We had a great night with friends taking pictures etc. I kept thinking boy did he screw up! How do you miss your kids prom or anything for that matter for some big fat swine. Then she doesn’t even leave her husband to be with him!!!
Rachel
You sound like a wonderful smart loving woman. You gave your marriage and him everything you had to give. After I made the comment I thought you are probably the only woman he came close to really loving because you took care of him and I’m sure he thought that was wonderful. But you can only give those kind so much and then you’re depleted. You could have stood on your head and spit gold coins and he would have asked what else you got. You should send the fat swine a thank you note!
Rachel, guess who will be looking really sad and lonely on his death bed?
Your kids won’t ever forget what he did, but they will also always remember what you did and how you loved and looked after them.
I’m glad you had a wonderful time with the prom. You my dear are finding your happiness and that is a wonderful thing.
Always remember Rachel, sucks to be him…..
Hey, Strength, thats what my husband’s girlfriend told me, sucks to be you.
Giz, it is the other way round, it sucks to be a Trollope like the ow we have had to deal with. Lol. My h ow told me I was a s””t. Lol.
So I guess if it makes you a s””t to sleep with your own husband then, I just be one. Lol. Yet I say, sucks to be her, because, at least my friends or relatives won’t be scared I will try and take their husbands, because I’m a lonely biatch. Lol. Or even, be called a dirty skank for sleeping with married man and not even ending up with him. Pftttt, pfffft to them. Lol
At least our names are clean.
Thanks, you guys are the best!!
Rachel, are you saying your ex cheated on you with a BigGirl? Thats amazing, cause my husband told me NOBODY would want you if you are fat. Not just him, but NOBODY. Of course, I know tons of big girls who are very happily married but what do I know?
Well giz, my h ow, thought she had the upper hand because I was bigger then her, again sucks to be her, because my h tried her, and she wasn’t all that. Lol
I was looking on my phone last night and found some stuff I’d written in an app called Diaro when I threw my husband out a couple of years ago. On this particular day, I’d told my mother in law that he had been sneaking around with a slut behind my back and that was why he was living on her couch. Her response was “I just don’t think he would do that.” Hello!!!!!! He admitted he did it. no question about it. she then told me “jealousy will tear your family apart.” I’d forgotten she said that. Again, hello, I’m not jealous. WHORING will tear my family apart, not me. No wonder this guy has no values or morals. They dont grow on trees people.
wtf, jealousy will tear your family apart, ohhh brother. A whorebag is running around with your husband and your the jealous one. Now I am going to say this again, we were not the ones who were jealous, the whorebags in our lives were, that’s why they had to sl””t around behind our backs with our husbands in the hopes of taking our place and our lives. They had a sorry life and thought it was ok, to take an unsuspecting wife’s husband, because they were unable to find a man that was already single.
So no giz, you were not jealous, and throwing your husband out of the house so he can sleep on mummy’s couch is not a sign of jealousy either, it is trying to wake the cs up out of his coma, and have him face reality.
It’s seems as though there are a lot of us here, that have inlaw issues.
Yes, strength, that was the day I had my text fight, lol, with the skank. Discovered not only was she nasty, she was stupid as well. The day I decided she was not worth my time. Thats why that phrase caught my attention. Like you, considering I never did anything to her, why she started all this “I hate your lard ass” shit with ME. she is clearly delusional. And stupid. Hate it that my husband had to sink so low as to try to eff this troll. Eeeeewww.
Yeah, not really sure why whores think you are jealous when you are really just pissed off. I told this guy repeatedly I wanted no part of him if he was in contact with this whore. I’m not insecure either. She is he is, I am not.
I told my husband over and over again, leave me, if you want your whore, because I don’t want to be sharing him with anyone. If he wants her then go for it, because I will nolonger fight for him. Didn’t work, he still kept sneaking around behind my back. He didn’t want to lose me or his kids, but he didn’t want to be around us either, because he could see the pain in our eyes, so where does he go, off to skankville to wallow in her misery instead.
Giz, I hate that my h had to sink so low to be get with his skank, omg it makes me sick yo the stomach. I look back at all the things she did yo me, and my stupid h, kept chasing after her with his tail in between his legs, just to make sure she was alright. It’s pathetic. Funny though, my h used to think she was stupid, lol. Clearly she just knew how yo play him like a fiddle. Lol
Act dumb, act like a damsel in distress, be ever so interested in his stories, and then blame the wife for him being so depressed and how, she doesn’t deserve you, I will treat you so much better. That is what I find interesting, they are so much better, but all they did was drag the cs down further into the ground, and just took whatever they could from the cs in the process.
So really now who looks stupid?
EXACT SAME STORY HERE, strength. I did some research and there is something called White Knight Syndrome. It fits my husband and his whore to a T. Has to do with his low self esteem, usually due to childhood abuse or neglect. They need someone to make them feel worthy and these no count whores areperfect for that.
I knew my husband had flipped his damn lid the day he told me “she has the highest morals of anyone I know”. I mean, that is some seriously psychotic, delusional shit there. no sane person could say something that STUPID.
My husband said some stupid things to me too. When the crap would start spewing out of his mouth, I was like wtf, where is my real husband, some alien has taken over his body, and I have no idea who this man is. He was ohhh so delusional, if it wasn’t so heart breaking, it would have made a wonderful comedy.
Ohh how he thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she is apparently his worse mistake ever. Here is hoping.
The employee/loser in my h’s life (and he’s a loser too, btw) went from “she only helps people, she only does good for others” to “she listens and does everything I tell her to” to “everyone’s complaining about her, she’s a disaster and has to go”. He thought he was the boss man in charge, but she played him as much if not more. Now that she’s been fired, I’m a bit uneasy about her. I’m not sure I can stay with a man who could do this, although I have been all about reconciliation since dday 5 months ago. Its just all so tacky and ugly. They both are, frankly.
Ok I’ll play too:
Him to me:
She’s really a nice girl
You two need to sit down and talk
It will break her heart if I fire her
I thought she was cute
SERIOUSLY??????
Me to Him:
I’ve lost all this weight since DDay. Does your girlfriend want my fat clothes too??
I like that response th. Lol
My h was visiting a friend. He showed a photo of skank, and said.
Isn’t she really pretty?
The friends reply : she looks like you. Lol
This ow looks like my mother in law. You can have a field day with that Oedipus mess. Creeps me out.
Jeddy
That says volumes:)
It creeps me out too. Yet he never told me he thought she was pretty, just that she had a hard face. Lol
Maybe he was trying to let our friend know that his justification of leaving h wife and kids for her was valid.
Our friend said, ewwww she is your cousin for goodness sake. Lol
Ugh I wish these family issues raised their heads when these men were 20 instead of almost 50. Would have found a different life. Plus I would have had different in laws. I hope the point of all this is that I can help my kids make better choices in mates. Just not sure what to do with my mate. Ugh.
Jeddy, in this letter I wrote to my h, I told him that I should have ran when his family told him that I was no good. I,also told him if I had known he would have hurt me after giving him a family and over 20 years of my life, I would never have married him. Then I also told him, if he was so I love with his cousin, then he should have married her when they were younger, before we had become serious, because then she would not have made him feel guilty for not rescuing her.
Instead what did I see a man that stood up to his family and wanted me, too bad it didn’t last. It’s as if he just decided he wanted their approval or something.
Jeddy, my husband’s roadwhore has also taken a decline in the approval rating. Ms. Wonderful is now an “alcoholic, pillhead, demon possessed ex-prostitute.,” I guess he finally got to see the real her, lol. She also lived with her scummy, insane brother and her juvenile delinquent daughter.
I have no interest in this slut personally, but when we argued I would gather information about her for future reference. I have a daughter who was five when this shit show started and she will NEVER be around this whore no matter what. I promise you that. I think that the information I have would be very helpful in making sure that doesn’t happen. I doubt she would be very happy knowing her boyfriend exposed her little secrets to his fat, lazy, insecure wife, lol. I’ve only met her twice but do know all her high school running buddies, as well as who her co workers are.
I would love to expose this skag for who and what she really is. I’m just waiting for the right opportunity, like maybe if she ever manages to get into real relationship.
You do realise giz, that all these ow we have had to deal with, were really being paid for sex, our cs were spending on them and their payment was sex. Now I was thinking about how my h ow, told me that I was the s””t, now clearly she didn’t understand the meaning of the word, because really she must have thought because she wasn’t working the streets, she wasn’t one, yet what I should have told her, was, I’m not the one chasing a married man for money etc and then paying him in sexual favours. Hmmm,. I wonder what she would think of herself now, lol.
Strength, some people might disagree but I think one of the”strong” points about these so called Emotional Affairs is that you DON’T have to have sex with your affair partner. This really opens you up to some people that might not be so physically attractive. Also, I know from dating that it is much easier to keep a guy especially interested in you if you hsvent had sex. How many people have dated a guy they thought was The One, and as soon as they sleep together he bails. ? Pretty much everyone. You can keep the illusion of how good you are in bed until you actually get there. Plus, they hsve the spouse at home for sex, and who probably actually is good in bed. It’s all just a part of the delusion.
Giz, you know I have a lot of anger still in me, but yes you are right, in many ways, Yet I was talking about the ones that do sleep with the cs, and who do keep trying to sleep and force themselves onto the cs until they do get it. They take and take and take from the cs before it turns physical, which is where I came up with that is the payout. Certainly seems like it to me with my h ow, that he took her to bed, he finally accepted her payment. Then it turned out to be the thing that ended up being the worse mistake, after all he thought he loved her, only to have tried the goods and the connection wasn’t there. After all, she would have thought to herself, ohh well he didn’t end up wanting me, at least I profited out of it, for over a year.
I just see this ow as trying her hardest to sleep with my h for over a year and taking what she could, say how was it not an expensive lay in the end.
She just didn’t need to work as hard, she was paid for months on end, before her goods and services were recieved.
Of course I don’t think all ow are like your and my h ow, who intentionally took from the cs for their own gain, it wasn’t for the love of the cs at all. A lot of ow, won’t give up that part of themselves for the reasons you stated. My h ow, she was trying to get him into bed from the moment she got him alone out of the country we live. From the very beginning.
She thought she needed to use her body to get what she wanted from him.
Have you heard of try before you buy? My cs he already gave up payment before trying. It probably would have been less expensive if he tried first.
I used to see the good in people first, now my judgement is tainted, and I really struggle seeing the good first.
I do know how I would feel, if someone was giving me handouts, only to leave me after having sex in the end. I would be feeling very much like I was paid.
I would be feeling terrible.
I don’t blame myself for my husbands affair but I do feel rejected. I always will. I know he wasn’t in love with her but he wanted her more than me at that time. I can’t let that go. Even though he is really trying to forgive himself and work on the marriage, I just feel that I’m waiting for it to happen again. We had a great marriage before this. I know the therapists say we can have a better marriage in the future. I don’t see how. I’ll always know he was capable of wanting something that wasn’t me, wasn’t our marriage. I thought he adored me. I will never think he adores me again.
I know exactly how you feel. He wanted her more- more than me, more than the years we had been together, more than the memories we had made and the times I had stood beside him. More than being a dad his kids could look up to. He knew what he was doing. They all do. So what that it wasn’t love, because he still chose her at that time.
So how can the marriage be better? Better than when there was total trust and no betrayal? The marriage doesn’t survive because IT gets better. The marriage only survives if the CS becomes a better person. Even so, I will also never believe that he adores me ever again. Because when he had a choice to be a husband or be a jerk, he didn’t choose me.
For now, I am focusing on us as a family unit. If I think about us as a couple, I feel like I can’t breathe. My youngest is already 10, so I have less than 8 years until this family unit changes. We will see how well he has changed. In the meantime, I have set boundaries for our relationship, I am firm in what it means to treat me with respect, and working to build my own financial and social network. And of course, we all know what signs mean he is going down this path again and I won’t be waiting for him at the end if he does.