Saturday night was our annual neighborhood hog roast and block party. It’s a chance to chat with neighbors both old and new, while drinking too much booze, and eating way too much food. Since we have lived in our house for twenty years, we have experienced many of these parties and have witnessed the evolution of our neighborhood.
In the early years, the party for me entailed mostly chasing our kids around, while never being able to have a long and meaningful conversation with anyone. I always left feeling tired and resentful, as it seemed that Doug got to have all the fun and I was the one who ran around, eventually leaving early because the kids were cranky. Now I realize this was partly my fault. I should have asked Doug for equal time, but I thought I was being a good wife by doing it all, not knowing that my actions would have compounded into anger and resentment for me.
As the years progressed and the kids got older, the party seemed to settle into a pattern where the men congregated together and discussed sports, beer, cigars — whatever men talk about, and the women would sit around and bitch about their husbands. Most of us women were in our late thirties and early forties and we had a lot to complain about. Most of us were at the point were we felt that we were all just surviving in our lives and our marriages. We were all feeling overwhelmed with too much to do and too little time, often blaming our spouses for our discontent. Looking back, most of us had built up years of resentment and didn’t know what to do about our situations.
Saturday was different for me as I became more of an observer and an inquirer. I was playing armchair psychologist and was interested in finding out more about the dynamics of people and their marriages. I didn’t set out that night to analyze everyone, but our neighborhood has changed so much through the years, and in my midst were lots of couples in different stages of their lives, that I thought I’d make it a little more interesting and observe what happens at various stages of marriage.
First I met an older couple in their early seventies. They looked so in love and alive that I assumed that they were on their second marriages. After we talked about their life a bit, I discovered that they had just celebrated their 5oth wedding anniversary by spending four wonderful weeks in Italy. Next up for them was an adventure trip where they are going to hike a small portion of the Appalachian Trail.
I couldn’t help but ask them the secrets to a long marriage. They responded that they always support each other and are always there for each other. The wife said “He is my best friend and I love being with him.” The information wasn’t really new to me as I had heard it before when talking to other older couples, but it made me sad because I remember a time when Doug and I didn’t always support one another, and we weren’t each other’s best friends. I thought how easy it is for all of that to slip away.
The next couple I observed just got done shipping their last child off to college and are truly experiencing the empty nest. Contrary to what I thought would happen to this couple, they are having the time of their lives. They mentioned having sex in the middle of the afternoon, hitting happy hours, and doing things that they had put off for years. It was good to see that they are surviving and enjoying their lives.
Next I noticed the many couples with young children. What I saw really alarmed me, because I noticed the same looks, snarls and jabs that I remember experiencing when I was at that stage. I noticed couples who were overwhelmed, exhausted and had stopped being partners in their marriage. One couple in particular stuck out. The wife had been gone all day and the husband had been taking care of their four kids. By the time she arrived at the block party, he was pissed and she wasn’t much happier.
When she walked up, he pretty much just handed over their baby to her, said “It’s your turn!” And he turned and walked away. There was no… “Hi honey. How are you?” “I missed you. How was your day?” etc. Just a lot of anger and resentment. Not good.
I talked to another mom who just went back to work full time after just having a fourth child a couple of months prior. She also was not a happy camper and was wondering how she was going to do it all. She said her husband “…had better step up and help out around the house.” She also felt that her husband only wanted her to go back to work because of monetary issues, though she felt her husband made enough without her having to work. She was very resentful. I got the feeling their relationship is heading for trouble.
Then there was the young couple with their newborn baby. They were arguing over which one of them got to hold the baby and show it off. They were definitely working as a team and probably thought they will never become the parents who were overstressed and angry. I hope to follow their progress as their family – and responsibilities – continue to grow. Things will change. They just don’t know it yet.
I wish I could have wiggled my nose and frozen the moment, like Samantha did on “Bewitched,” and let those people see their future. I wish I could show them where they may be in five or ten years if they continue doing what they are now doing. Most of them must somehow realize that they are forever affecting their marriages, their relationships, and possibly their families, but they all seem too busy and overwhelmed to care right now. They think that eventually things will get better. Doug and I did the same things several years ago, and I don’t want anyone to go through what we did. Little do they know it may be too late.
I thought it was quite interesting to witness our various neighbors, the different stages of marriage and how couples reacted within each stage. I wish that I would have been more aware of the different stages in our own marriage and how our relationship would evolve due to circumstances within each stage. I wish I would have made a conscious effort to educate myself on relationships and then acted on the knowledge before it was too late. Hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?
7 replies to "The Party Psychologist"
Linda,
It sounds like you are being a combination armchair anthropologist and armchair psychologist. 🙂 There are many lessons gained just by opening our eyes to those around us and LISTENING.
Your observation of resentment is telling. One psychologist found that resentment is one of the early warning indicators of marital problems. I have found his observations true, along with couples who often make a sport of putting each other down. Over time, those ‘put downs’ start tearing down people and their own marriage. It often pains me to see couples tearing to shreds their own relationships and then don’t realize that they are doing it.
Jeff, if resentment is an early indication of marital problems, then our neighborhood should be an interesting place for the next few years. I too noticed many of the same things that Linda did this weekend. We were at a few different parties where the same types of disenchantment and resentment were communicated by one or both of the spouses. You know, they really do need to teach relationship courses (mandatory) in schools so that folks can better recognize the warning signs and make the appropriate adjustments in all of their relationships. I guess if they did though, there would be a lot of unhappy psychologists, self-help gurus, etc.
I do the same. I have sis-in-law who is very loud and bitchy and is her married childrens business and has an opinion about everything She is disrespectful of her H. Recently my sister-in-law called me crying (she is usually very dramatic) said her H wanted her out of the house by the time he came back (he drives big rigs), he called her all kinds of names etc. She didn’t know what to do. She said I was the only one she could call because she knows I don’t share anything and she didn’t want anyone to know. So since she called me I took the opportunity to tell her what a real bitch she was and all the things I mentioned above. I gave her some advice on what to say to her H and how she would lose her marriage if they continued to disrespect each other. Focus on their marriage and stay out of everyone elses business. Well next day I get a text thanking me profusely, how wonderful I was and that she loved me. OMG! Never in a million yrs did I expect that. So that was last week and as of yesterday they are still having a blast. Yes we all learn something and when we can we pay it forward.
Excellent post. And all too truthful. Deep down inside, I can’t help but feel that my children are the reason for my marriage decline. I love them dearly, but we weren’t ready for them when they came along. I think ‘if only we didn’t have the boys, we could do this… or that… or we’d spend more time together’. Maybe I’m right, but maybe I’m wrong. And in the end, it doesn’t matter because we have 2 children and always will. We just have to find a way to work it out. And it’s HARD WORK. It’s all I think about.
On the other hand, posts like this make me appreciate (and long for) a good babysitter.
I have been following this blog for a while and it has been so helpful as I’ve dealt with healing from my husband’s EA about a year and a half ago. We too have a young child and I have been overwhelmed with the advice that having a child-centered marriage is bad. I’ve read it in so many books that our role as parents has harmed our marriage. And then I felt completely hopeless. I mean, I can’t change being a parent, the only thing that can change is being married and I really don’t want to change that. What my husband and I discovered was a change of mind. When we sacrifice aspects of our marital “ ideal” for the health and benefit of our child’s development, it is a good thing. And surprisingly we experienced an increase in our marital satisfaction. This is not to say that we do not focus on or care for our marriage, but that we have changed our expectations. Coincidentally I happened upon research being conducted by The National Marriage Project .This research has found that the new type of American marriage, the “best friends” or “soul mate” marriage, is hard to achieve and hard to sustain and the burden of the fallout of these unrealistic relationships falls on the children.
In their report “Life Without Children” the researchers state “Isolated from other social ties and institutions, this new marital ideal is fragile. It takes lavish investments of time, attention and vigilance for lone couples to sustain high levels of mutual happiness. If such personal investments are absent or insufficient, spouses can feel neglected
and estranged….Further, such high maintenance marriages may contribute to greater dissatisfaction during the child-rearing years. Like babies, soul-mate marriages have to be nurtured and coddled in order to thrive.” (You can imagine what happens when an actual baby arrives!)
“Thus, although this new kind of American marriage is potentially more rewarding for adults, it is demonstrably less secure for children. The high expectations for personal satisfaction in marriage, though a good thing to pursue and even better to achieve, have also made such marriages harder to sustain…In short, soul-mate marriage is more oriented to meeting adults’ emotional needs for intimacy than to ensuring children’s emotional needs for secure and long-lasting attachments.”
So this certainly doesn’t support being mean, disrespectful, or putting down one’s spouse but resentment is often the result of unmet expectations. When you lose the expectations you lose the resentment too. At least this has been true in my marriage. We feel a lot more empowered and a lot less like we are failing at marriage. Just wanted to share this in the event that it might help someone else. Thanks.
Child Centered, Your comment was very interesting, I know after Doug’s affair I felt torn in two directions, feeling like I had to choose between being a good mother and being a good wife. I also felt frustrated because I didn’t know if I could do both and I felt that I had to remove myself from my children in order to save my marriage. I carried a lot of guilt during that time, I felt that I had abandoned my children and only focused on Doug. I understand how the “soul mate” marriage is hard to sustain when children enter the picture, I believe it is harder on the husband than the wife because the wife tends to be the primary care taker and the husband feels that he has lost his best friend in the process. I am interested in reading the research. Thanks for your comment. Linda
Interesting topic. I have been one of those relationships where I have held resentment towards my spouse at events because I have been chasing after our young children while he is off talking to whomever. He tells me to come and talk and the kids will be okay.. guess what, they are under 2 and won’t be okay. I can see how if I had handled the situation better and we discussed sharing the responsibility part time I would have been a much happier mum and wife. Also, my teacher is my mother and as a result I have followed in her steps. She has alsways put her children first, above her husband. We are 30 up to 50 years and she still does this. Since the affair, I have taken a step backand realised I too was putting our children first and husband second. He did not deserve this at all. I love my husband and yet I was not making him feel important. It is a very hard roll to juggle being mother and wife.
I have now figured out that my children will still be getting the needs from me and that by me making their daddy my number 1 priority the kids will grow and develope better because of my husband and my releationship being one of love… eventually. Anyway, just my 2 cents worth.