If you’ve ever struggled to let go of anger or betrayal, you’ve likely felt the healing power of forgiveness pulling at you. It’s not easy, but it may be the one choice that truly restores your peace.
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By Linda & Doug
Forgiveness is one of those words that sounds good in theory but feels impossible in practice – especially after betrayal.
Many of the people we mentor say things like, “I’ll never forgive him for what he did,” or “If I forgive her, it feels like I’m letting her off the hook.”
The truth is, forgiveness doesn’t mean you excuse what happened or pretend it didn’t matter. It means you’ve decided not to let the pain control your future. You’re taking your power back.
In her Psychology Today article, “The Science of Forgiveness: How Letting Go Heals You” (April 8, 2025), Amy Morin, LCSW, explains that forgiveness is not a moral gesture, it’s an act of self-care.
Research shows that people who forgive experience lower stress, better sleep, and even longer lives. Holding on to anger and resentment, on the other hand, floods the body with cortisol and keeps the nervous system stuck in overdrive.
Simply put, refusing to forgive doesn’t punish the other person – it punishes you.
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What We See in Recovery
In affair recovery, forgiveness is one of the hardest and most misunderstood parts of healing. We’ve mentored hundreds of people over the years who want to move on but don’t know how.
Take “Marie,” for example. Her husband had an affair with a coworker that lasted almost a year. She described the early months after discovery as “living in a storm.” Every time she tried to talk to him, she felt the same anger rise in her chest. She said (to paraphrase), “Even when things are calm, I can’t stop replaying the lies. I want to let it go, but I can’t.”
For months, Marie equated forgiveness with weakness. She feared that if she forgave, it would let him off the hook. But what she slowly learned was that forgiveness wasn’t about him at all…it was about her ability to live again.
As she worked through her pain, Marie started journaling about what forgiveness might look like just for her. One example that she wrote, “Maybe forgiveness means I stop letting his choices define how I feel every day.” That one line became her turning point. Forgiveness didn’t erase the betrayal, but it stopped it from running her life.
Why Forgiveness Is Good for Your Body
Science confirms what Marie experienced emotionally. Chronic resentment keeps your body in fight-or-flight mode. Cortisol levels stay elevated, which can lead to high blood pressure, poor immunity, anxiety, and even heart issues.
Morin points to studies showing that people who forgive consistently have lower cortisol levels and fewer stress-related illnesses. One study at Luther College found that those who practiced forgiveness even had lower mortality rates over time.
It’s not magic, but basically just biology. When you let go of bitterness, your body gets the signal that it’s safe to relax. You start sleeping better, feeling calmer, and thinking more clearly. Your body literally begins to heal the moment you release what’s been weighing it down.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness often gets tangled in myths that make people resist it. Here are the three most common ones we’ve seen over the years:
- Myth #1: Forgiveness excuses bad behavior.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t happen. It means you acknowledge what happened and choose peace over bitterness. - Myth #2: Forgiveness means reconciliation.
You can forgive someone and still decide they aren’t safe or trustworthy. Forgiveness is internal and reconciliation is relational. They’re two different things. - Myth #3: Forgiveness happens once and for all.
In truth, forgiveness is often a process that unfolds slowly. It may take months – or years – to feel real. Each time the pain resurfaces, you get another chance to choose peace over resentment.
When you understand that forgiveness isn’t about pretending, reconnecting, or rushing, it starts to feel possible again.
How to Begin the Process of Forgiving
You don’t have to forgive all at once. And you don’t have to forgive everything.
The research shared in Morin’s article suggests you start small and go gently. Here’s how.
- Acknowledge the pain.
Avoiding your feelings doesn’t make them go away. Talk about what happened. Write about it. Cry if you need to. Name your emotions without judging them. - Shift the focus inward.
Instead of asking, “Why did they do this to me?” ask, “What is this anger doing to me?” Forgiveness begins when you realize that resentment steals your peace. - See their humanity without excusing their behavior.
This doesn’t mean justifying what they did. It means recognizing that they acted from their own flaws, fears, or unmet needs. You can say, “I understand how broken they were,” without ever saying, “It was okay.” - Repeat the choice.
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time declaration. It’s a daily decision to keep letting go when the memory replays. A phrase like “I choose calm over chaos” can help anchor that decision. - Forgive yourself, too.
Self-forgiveness might be the hardest step of all. Whether you’re the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, guilt can take on a life of its own. Acknowledge your mistakes, make amends when possible, and then give yourself permission to heal. You are more than your worst moment.
What Happens When You Forgive
When you begin to forgive, even in small ways, you start to reclaim your emotional freedom. Your thoughts quiet down. Your body relaxes. You stop needing to replay every detail because you no longer need those memories to prove your pain is real.
We’ve seen betrayed spouses go from constant anxiety to a surprising sense of calm once they stopped fighting the idea of forgiveness. We’ve seen unfaithful partners who carried years of shame finally look in the mirror again without self-loathing.
The healing power of forgiveness doesn’t erase what happened, but it opens the door for something new – whether that’s a rebuilt marriage or simply a more peaceful life.
Take It One Step at a Time
Forgiveness is not a single act, it’s a process of release. You might start by simply saying, “I don’t want to carry this anymore.” That’s enough for today.
As Amy Morin wrote in her Psychology Today article, “Forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt you—it’s about your emotional freedom.” That truth sits at the heart of affair recovery. The more you free yourself from resentment, the more space you create for peace, strength, and growth.
So take it one breath at a time. The journey might be slow, but every small release is a step toward freedom.
Ready to Go Deeper?
If you’re struggling to let go of anger or shame and to understand the healing power of forgiveness, we can help you find the tools and support you need to move forward.
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Reference:
Morin, A. (2025, April 8). The Science of Forgiveness: How Letting Go Heals You. Psychology Today. Reviewed by Michelle Quirk.