A while ago, one of our readers wrote us a comment describing a tactic that was working well for him at the time. As a result of this tactic, his cheating wife started to come back to him and was asking for a “fresh start.”
Affairs are treacherous slopes that no one really knows how to navigate. Hell, I’m not even sure my wife is having one, but I use this site daily to rebuild myself.
The only thing I know is that my wife has met someone through work (same field so they don’t have to see each other every day, but can talk) who she has lied to me about, been at functions with, texted over 1000 times in the last 6 months, and had multiple conversations with.
In the first 3-4 months, her phone was often hidden, her behavior towards me was different, she seemed irritable and unhappy. She wouldn’t come out and tell me she didn’t love me, but she wasn’t putting effort into the marriage either.
Over the course of the last three months she seems to be acting different. I have since busted her out on the texts, calls, and lunches by snooping through her things – which she hated. She wants me to be normal, she wants me to be happy, she tells me she loves me, but she seems to have an addiction to this other person.
She has maintained the whole time that they are “just friends” and nothing is going on. She is adamant that nothing physical has happened, but emotionally I think she was making a connection with him and withdrawing from me.
We have had so many fights about this. I’ve packed my bags, I’ve left the house, she has begged me to return, she has told me she needs me, she tells me that I am making things up that aren’t there. It has been a roller coaster ride that I want off of.
Things now seem to be back on the rise and have for a few months. She said she wants a “fresh start” between us and that she will only contact him when necessary. She has admitted that she liked the attention and that she was flattered. She also acknowledged that she took it over the limit.
As far as he goes, I don’t pay him any attention, because he is a scumbag as most OP’s are. I’d sit down to lunch with a terrorist before giving this clown the time of day.
The point is this…I truly don’t believe anyone wants to have an affair. I don’t believe my wife or any other person really wants to leave the marriage, but they become so tangled that they don’t know where to turn.
The CS turns cold, and lies. Then they begin to feel regret and act codependent on their spouse, then they let themselves get sucked back into the game and start all over. How they behave generally depends on how the loyal spouse is behaving.
Codependency: Don’t Fall Into This Trap – 5 Steps to Codependency Recovery
I’ve seen it played out over the last 7 months. When I am down, panicky, or constantly questioning (in other words not enjoying my life) she tends to pull away from me. When I put on a happy face and work on myself, she seems drawn to me.
Being codependent, clingy, emotional have done nothing for me, but standing up for myself and being confident seems to make me more appealing. It sucks that the majority of the work has to be done by me, but I believe in this marriage and am willing to work at it even if I am the only one putting forth the effort.
We have 14 years of history and 4 great kids, so there is a lot to be proud of and thankful for. So each day I am focusing on the good and realizing that I don’t control her, I can’t stop her, and I can’t make decisions for her.
Eventually most people who have affairs see the error of their ways, but how quickly that happens depends a lot on how the partner who is suffering handles themselves.
When you portray confidence and enjoy who you are (which some days is impossible to pull off when you are suffering) the CS begins to look at EVERYTHING they have and say “Why would I risk all of this for someone I barely know?” It doesn’t mean they stop the behavior immediately, but I do believe that over time they figure out what is right.
You may wonder how in the world you can manage to act happy and confident when you feel as though your world is falling apart. How do you push the negative feelings aside? It just feels like it is so incredibly difficult.
This task is not an easy one and I think the answer is that your focus has to shift away from the BS. Create some distance in a loving way. Take care of you. Get your nails done, go see a movie, do something you enjoy, but do it all with a smile on your face.
I reserve my saddest moments for my drives to and from work. But once I get home, I’m super dad and a loving husband. She is either gonna pull herself out of this and love “us” or she is gonna get sick of it and leave because the guilt is eating her alive. But I made the decision months ago to stop giving her the power.
Yes, I have plenty of anxious moments, but she will never see them again. I speak my mind, I keep the house running, and I make every effort to include her in everything. It isn’t easy, and some days it feels impossible.
You can do it, because in the end, No CS can keep having their cake and eat it to, eventually the fantasy or the reality falls apart and they have to choose. By the time that day comes you will hopefully have taken so many measures to fix yourself that whatever they decide will be a relief for you and not a relapse in your recovery.
I’m focusing on being the best husband I can be within the scope of who I am. It has gotten me this far and I truly love my wife. I’m slowly learning that forgiveness is granted to those we love and if you want something bad enough, you have to go and get it.
Don’t let life pass you by because if you be yourself and are good to people, things will work out one way or another.