In response to Linda’s post from yesterday, I’d like to say that looking back on things, there came a point when I realized that there were too many things that were so important to me that I was risking losing by my continuing to have a relationship with Tanya.  

I guess the first and foremost was the thought of losing my family. My family means everything to me, and the thought of possibly losing them made me take a long hard look at what I was doing, and eventually motivated me to break things off with Tanya.  Additionally, I felt immense guilt for the pain and suffering that I had caused to Linda.  She did not deserve that, and it is something I still feel badly about to this day.  So that was the start.

I made my decision to break things off and try to rebuild my relationship with Linda.  At the time however, there was still the fact that I had lost some of that “in love” feeling with her.  That gradually came back over time as we started to spend more time together doing fun things, talking and spending more “quality” time together.  Basically we were doing the things we had done when we first started dating. 

We placed more value on us then we did on things such as working in the yard, or cleaning the garage, or even doing things with the kids.  During these times, we would talk a lot about what we wanted in a relationship and were completely open and honest with each other.  We held hands. We cuddled.  We laughed.

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Our sex life also became much more satisfying as we both were able to express ourselves more openly and honestly in the bedroom too. This caused us to become even closer on an emotional level.  Prior to that, we basically were just going through the motions not just in the bedroom, but in our relationship as well.

Eventually, I started to have those strong feelings of being in love with Linda again.  It’s been like starting over again and it feels great.  I can honestly say that Tanya is a distant memory, and that Linda truly does have my whole heart.  As an added bonus, I truly cherish and enjoy not only her company but also those of my children much more than I did while I was “away.”

To sum it all up…my emotional infidelity with Tanya offered me many of the things that had been missing in Linda and my relationship over the past few years.  It was exciting.  It was fresh.  It was fun.  It made me feel good.  By basically starting at square one with Linda, I (we) have been able to resuscitate our love life and now I feel all those things—and more–in my relationship with her.  I wish I had been smart enough to think of doing these things in the first place!



    9 replies to "That Loving Feeling"

    • Kate

      I wish my husband could read this… But unfortunately, when I try to share articles like this he says he feels “manipulated”, like I am trying to convince him to agree with me instead of letting him figure out on his own what it is he truly wants. Is that part of the “affair bubble” or what I call “brain damage” that is going on as part of his affair (now ended, but we’re still in limbo)?

      Our marriage counselor even said that I should stop expressing my desire to save our marriage to my husband, because he clearly knows what I want so telling him over and over again doesn’t make his decision or ability to figure out what he wants any easier… WTF is that supposed to mean? I just have to sit here and pretend to be happy while he “figures it out” on his own?

      (Yes, I’m thinking of finding a different marriage counselor for us, this was the last of several statements that I felt “put down” or belittled by…)

      • admin

        Actually Kate, the last thing you should be doing is pressing the issue too much. He knows you want to save your marriage, but you don’t want to resort to forcing the issue, and interrogation or manipulation.

        • Kate

          I’ve been keeping quiet about it most of the time… It’s not easy, but I know that is what I need to do.

          I try to push back my emotions most of the time, and I only allow myself to cry when he’s not home so I am not rubbing it in his face. /t I also don’t ask him bout our relationship/lack thereof/the affair/the OW, I just snuggle and cuddle when he initiates it, share loving touches as we pass in the house, take interest in what he’s doing (biking, career, etc) and generally just “play house”.

          But this can only go on for so long… I mean, I guess he could just sit here and say “I don’t know what I want” forever and we’d be in permanent limbo.

          He willingly agreed to No Contact with the OW, admitting he was wrong to have gotten involved with her and he had to end it because that was the right thing to do. I’d think if he really wanted to leave me, he would have done so by now. His dad lives 5 miles away and has three open bedrooms in his house, they have a great relationship, so its not like he’s at the house because he has nowhere else to go.

          There’s something keeping him home and acting loving toward me even if his words say something different. Right now, I am hanging all of my hopes on that. I figure “Actions speak louder than words” and hope he will eventually realize that he wants to work things out.

          • Shirley

            I went through exactly what you’re going through Kate. And it was hard to keep my mouth shut but I had to. I prayed to God daily to help me do just that because as the Bible says, “we have to cast our cares on the Lord and allow him to fight our battles.” And I am happy to say that it is true. I can see God working in my husband. He has opened up and started communicating more. Unlike you, however, I asked my husband to leave and go and live with the other woman and I believe that was one of the best things I could have done. He is growing tired of the OW and is ready to come home and work on our marriage. Had I allowed him to continue living with me while he was still seeing her, I don’t think he would have tired of the relationship as quickly. Just know that during all of this, I allowed God to lead me and He has faithfully ordered my steps. Have faith and trust in Him who will never leave or forsake us. God’s word is true and it will never return to him void.

    • Becky

      I just recently discovered that my husband of 28 years had an emotional affair with a co-worker for a little over 2 months. He knew and worked with this woman for almost 4 years. So much of what is written here on this blog (and I’ve just started reading it) is so familiar to me. I was suspicious of his behavior and the distance that was growing between us since early May. I questioned him and he told me he’d talk to me later. He didn’t, until I asked him again in early July. He told me he still loved me, but wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. This was so hurtful to hear, but in all honesty, I have fallen out of and back into love with him several times over the years. I felt this was normal and we could work on this. Things happened and I thought we were both really working on our marriage when 2 weeks later, I caught him in the middle of writing an email to this co-worker on an email account I didn’t even know he had. I read his words before he could close the window. I felt like I had literally been punched in the stomach. I screamed at him and he pulled me outside so as not to wake up my teenage son, my adult daughter who is staying with us, and our grandbabies. We went down the road a bit and screamed, talked, and cried. After about an hour of talking and listening, he decided to delete his facebook, send her a final email and close the account, and hardest of all… quit his job. This was July 21st 2011. I am still raw. He still hasn’t told me he is “in love” with me again because he says he wants to be sure. He tells me he loves me every day and I do the same. This has been so hard…especially having the kids and grandkids in the house and not letting on to anyone what is going on. He is more affectionate with me, which I love, but I want to trust him again. Completely. And I don’t see that happening any time soon. I know God is helping me through this time. I feel HIS presence healing my marriage and I am trying to leave it all to Him. But I have questions, concerns, and fears. I know that my husband will end up staying … if nothing else, because of responsibility. But I want him to stay because he’s happy with me and our life. Not out of duty. I know he has had no contact with the OW since this happened. Any advice? All is welcome!

    • Jennet

      This is how I feel its a waiting game while they think about what they want. It seems to be alll about them. My husband of 48 years ended his affair 5 months ago and doesn’t know what he wants. Last suggestion he made was could we live together as ‘friends’ as he needs to sort out his feelings. No chance all or nothing

    • Jennet

      Hi everyone I’ve just read a post input up last May. I’m still in the waiting game!! My husband says he is very angry with himself won’t say about what I’m particular. He says I’m putting pressure on him because I want intimacy/affection which he says I deserve. But he says he worries about performance during sex which to be honest hasn’t happened very often. I suppose I’m jealous of what he had with OW even when I. Know that isn’t real life. He was physical a d emotionally involved with her for about 3 years. So I think it made him feel young again he is 70 next week and she was 20 years younger. We have been together for 51 years a life time and it wasn’t all bad in fact it was good until she came on the scene and we had a horrendous time of death of parents, sibling depression on my part also fraud from his sister it all happened around that period of time and he turned her instead of me. So now I don’t mention the sffsir/sex/affection just go through the motions of living as ‘friends’ which he wanted months ago. But I’ll hang on there I believe he will come back to me. As far as I know he hasn’t had any contact with her since texts in July which I found out about. It is still the waiting game and it hurts and it is so very hard to keep stumm. Good luck to you all Jennet

      • Jitsulady

        Hi Jennett
        So , sorry for everything you went thru during your husband’s affair.
        I pray that your marriage is surviving. And if not , I pray that you’re healing for your own well, being

        I wonder If our C/S realize the damage they do to their spouses. Emotionally , mentally & physically.
        I am 14 mnts out from Discovery , 9 mnts from disclosure. But all in drips from the 9 mnts and tons of minimizing.
        Blessings to you!

        • Jennet

          Hi it’s a long time since I put that post out 2021. We are still together there have been a few relapses texts messages that I’ve seen and hit the roof about. He assures me there is no contact now 3.5 years after DD but to be honest I can’t say I believe him totally,but that is what happens with infidelity it breaks your trust and it is so hard to get it back.
          I think I’m quite different now maybe more cynical about relationships in general. I’m more independent now I’m certainly not reliant on my husband as I was before the affair. I take one day at a time , I have days when I can’t believe he did this to me even now I don’t think they realise the pain and devastation they cause by the selfish act of betrayal.
          I wish they did. Sometimes I feel we have wasted so much time ,when we could have been using that time for so much more. I try to look forward as much as I can and enjoy life. I think if you dwell on the past too much it causes so much heartache and it achieves nothing.
          I always think it’s like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies just not going to happen.
          I believe you can get over infidelity but it’s not easy it takes time and effort on both sides.
          I wish you luck on your journey Jennet

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