When it comes to healing after betrayal, taking action in affair recovery matters more than promises, plans, or good intentions.
By Linda & Doug
For 18-days in September we were on a 4,500-mile road trip through Montana and Canada in our teardrop camper. We hiked more than 80 miles with several thousand feet of elevation gain (Not too bad for a couple of soon-to-be 64-year old “flatlanders”!).
One morning in Glacier National Park, we stood at the Grinnell Glacier trailhead knowing that we had a long 10.9 mile hike with over 2000 feet of elevation gain ahead of us. We couldn’t secure reservations for the boat ride that would have shaved 3.5 miles off of the hike. So, we knew it was going to be long. It was going to be hot. And we knew in the end that it was going to be painful.
No amount of staring at the arduous trail would get us to the end. Wishing for the million-dollar views along the way didn’t make the climb shorter. The only way to see what waited above was to start moving our feet.
That moment is a perfect picture of affair recovery. Many couples find themselves standing at the “trailhead” of healing. They’ve talked about trying, read a book or two, maybe even promised each other change. But nothing actually shifts until someone takes a step. Recovery doesn’t happen at the trailhead. It happens on the climb.
The Trailhead is Not Enough in Affair Recovery
Intentions matter, but they don’t equal progress. Saying things like, “I’ll be more open” or “I want us to get better” may sound good, but without follow-through they’re just words.
The betrayed spouse especially is listening for action. Promises mean little when they aren’t backed up by behavior. You can’t just talk about rebuilding trust while still guarding your phone. You can’t say you want to heal but avoid the hard conversations.
Standing at the trailhead talking about the mountain doesn’t get you to the summit. Action does.
Why Taking Action in Affair Recovery is Like Small Steps on the Trail
We didn’t hike 10 miles at once in Banff or Yoho. We did it one step at a time. Sometimes we moved slowly. Sometimes we had to stop and catch our breath. But step by step, mile by mile, we made it to our destination.
That’s how recovery works. You don’t repair a marriage in one giant leap. You rebuild it through small, daily actions. Things like checking in consistently, being honest even when it’s uncomfortable, listening without getting defensive, offering empathy when your spouse is triggered.
Each step may feel small on its own, but together they create real progress. You don’t have to be perfect, but you both have to keep showing up.
Expect the Hard Parts Along the Way
Most every mountain trail has steep switchbacks and false summits where you think you’re almost done, only to find out there’s more climbing ahead. Affair recovery is full of those moments.
There will be times when the pain comes back after you thought it was fading. There will be days when shame, anger, or exhaustion makes you want to quit. Those are all normal and to be expected, and they don’t mean you’re failing.
The mistake many couples make is thinking those hard parts mean it’s not working. In reality, the struggle is part of the process. You don’t get to skip the climb. But you do get stronger each time you push through.
The View is Worth It: The Rewards of Taking Action in Affair Recovery
Some of the most breathtaking moments of our trip came after the hardest climbs, turning a corner and seeing a turquoise glacial lake or standing at a summit with mountains stretching out in every direction.
The same is true in recovery. When you keep taking action, even when it’s hard, the rewards are real. Trust begins to rebuild. Intimacy deepens. The marriage becomes something stronger and more authentic than it was before.
But you don’t get there by talking about it. You get there by moving forward, one step at a time.
Hiking the Path Together
One of the best parts of our hikes was doing them side by side. Sometimes one of us was ahead, sometimes behind, but we always encouraged each other. We carried water, watched each other’s footing, and stopped when the other needed a break.
Healing from an affair works the same way. Both partners need to walk the path. The betrayed spouse can’t carry the whole weight forever. The unfaithful spouse can’t expect forgiveness without real effort. True recovery happens when both are moving, sometimes unevenly, but still together.
Shared action leads to shared healing.
Moving Beyond the Trailhead
Standing at the trailhead is easy. You can talk about how beautiful the view will be or how much you’d like to see it. You can even plan to start “someday.” But none of that gets you up the mountain.
In affair recovery, it’s the same. You don’t heal by waiting for the right time or by making promises without follow-through. You heal by taking the next step today.
So ask yourself…What’s one action you can take right now to move beyond the trailhead and onto the path of real recovery?
Because you can’t hike the mountain by standing still. And you can’t recover from an affair without taking action.
Take the Next Step
If you’re ready to move beyond the trailhead but need some guidance on the climb, mentoring can help. We’d love to walk with you as you take your next steps toward healing. Click the button below to learn more.