Friday is Valentine’s Day and this is certainly a very tough day for many married couples who are recovering from an affair.
For many betrayed spouses Valentine’s Day is tainted. It isn’t special anymore and furthermore it’s full of triggers and horrible memories.
Making matters worse is even if the unfaithful spouse buys a gift for their spouse, there is a good chance it won’t be received in the spirit with which it was intended. Rather, that gift serves as an upsetting reminder of what happened or else it’s seen as nothing more than a guilt offering.
So what’s a couple to do?
Rick Reynolds, LCSW offers the following tips on how couples can survive Valentine’s Day after an affair.
- Keep low expectations: If you get to the other side of Valentine’s and you haven’t had a blow-out, consider it a victory.
- Create new ways of expressing care and appreciation: Old traditions may serve as painful reminders.
- Don’t just say it, write it: Due to the pain, your mate may not be able to believe what you are telling them at that moment, but if you write it out they can go back later and see that maybe what you wrote did mean something after all.
- Take a break: Ask your mate if they would be willing to put a hold on recovery for a day. Leave focusing on the affair for tomorrow.
- Be sensitive to what your mate wants: Don’t make the occasion about you, rather listen to your mate.
- Do something constructive: “Focus on the now, not…what happened. Find something you are grateful for in your relationship and celebrate that part of it.”
So now that leads us to this week’s discussion…
What affect has Valentine’s Day (or the thought of it) had on you and your relationship since the affair? Please describe your experiences.
How have you managed to cope?
If this is not your first Valentine’s Day since the affair, how have they changed since that first one?
What suggestions would you give to a person who is experiencing it for the first time since D-day?
Please respond to one another in the comment section below.
Thank you very much!
Linda & Doug
Arm yourself with a variety of techniques, practical strategies and knowledge to help you to manage those intrusive thoughts, triggers and memories of your partner’s affair.
75 replies to "Discussion – How are You Surviving Valentine’s Day After an Affair?"
My creepiest Valentine’s Day memory is my husband emailing his roadwhore about how excited our five year old daughter was about VD, and how cute I had dressed her. Eeew. I’m not really much on romantic type stuff so thats a good thing. I love all the advertising that women are going to be pissed off if you dont go to Jared, Kay Jewelers, etc. We go to the Valentine Banquet at church every year. The Youth decorate the fellowship hall, prepare and serve dinner (this year chicken parmesan ) , and have a skit or something fun. This year it was play Family Feud and Minute to Win It. It’s really fun and includes everyone, young, old, single, married. We also exchange cards and small gifts between me, husband, and daughter. I DO NOT, however, buy any mushy over the top, you’re my soulmate, true love type cards. Can’t remember if I ever did, definitely not now. He’s lucky to get one seriously.
After all the Christmas ads and now Valentine’s Day ads about jewelery, I’ll be damned if I will ever buy anything at Jareds, Kay or any of those other stores. They seem to be on every commercial break. Hope fully we’ll be done with them now for a while.
First Valentines Day since D day . . .lots of triggers. Just trying not to think about those. Therefore doing something totally different this year. Used to do home-cooked special meal. Last years meal was over the top and I didn’t understand why he was so neutral about it. Normally he would have been very animated. . . . turned out he was in the middle of an affair and I did not know it. Explains so much. This year just dinner out and a movie and a home-made card. No cards at the store describe valentines day after an affair!!!
I have no expectations. Just hope to get through the day and keep control of my thoughts.
Lin, your comment follows what I was writing earlier today that I’m just going to reply.
My H and I have been dealing with my dread of what is supposed to be a day to commemorate love for over a week, this despite it being the 3rd Valentine’s Day since D-Day, 6/5/2011. He was the CS, and chose that day to fully express his love. A cute old-fashioned valentine, followed by definitions of love, and completed with his own summary of the depth of his feelings for her. All this while I was upstairs making the “special” dinner he’d requested. Believe me, the evening was memorable—he sat for several hours staring at the TV while I sat in stony silence. At bedtime, I told him I didn’t know why I’d bothered to try to make the night special.
Of course, now I know why he had less than no interest in me—after pouring out your heart to your beloved, including cursing the barriers that kept them apart (almost a quote), how could you find it in you to be loving towards your unsuspecting wife? Since most of their affair was carried out over email, I’m guessing he was engulfed in self-pity over having to be on the other side of the mountain range that separated them.
This year I am in the difficult position of actually trying to decide whether to remain in our marriage or end it. Our therapist feels if I don’t decide, our relationship will return to its pre-affair state: two people living in the same house walking parallel but very separate and indifferent paths. My H has tried in every possible way to prove his love, apologize for his grave mistake, and understand the issues within him that led him to believe that having an affair would somehow make him happy. I’m coming to terms with living with this for over 40 years and trying to believe that the changes I see today will last into the future.
I think keeping this valentine’s day low-key is a good idea, no great expectations, just trying to find a middle ground. We had not made any big deal of the day for years as we gradually drifted apart, and I see no reason to try to outdo his over-the-top expression of love for the woman he now sees as the biggest mistake of his life. It is hard to see and hear the commercialization for every gift that can make jewelers and florist rich, and I certainly have no plans to buy, nor do I want to receive, a Hallmark greeting.
The best I can hope for is that the AP is missing the love, and I may help that by forwarding something he wrote about what he thinks of her now (believe me, it’s not pretty, though he refrained from calling her some of the epithets I think are appropriate for a woman who advertises on Craig’s List for men to share part of their day with her by becoming her so-called pen pals). We talked about it in counseling yesterday, and our therapist suggested we go out (do not stay home for sure) for lunch or dinner, and just have some fun together. We’ll see.
“Take a break: Ask your mate if they would be willing to put a hold on recovery for a day. Leave focusing on the affair for tomorrow.”
Do something constructive: “…Find something you are grateful for in your relationship and celebrate that part of it.”
Seriously? How do you “put a hold on recovery for a day?” The nightmare doesn’t go away – it’s with me every minute of every day, even when I’m doing something else. It just gets shoved to the back of my mind for awhile but it is back there and I don’t forget it. I live each moment with pain, anger, and a rock at the bottom of my stomach.
And “…find something you are grateful for in your relationship and celebrate that part of it?” What is there to celebrate about a relationship that has been destroyed by an affair? There’s nothing left to celebrate – at least in my mind. The day the cheater makes that conscious choice to cheat. any celebration of the marriage is gone.
I’m sorry, my first post here and it is super negative. 2 and a half months since D-Day and recovery just isn’t happening. And honestly, for me I don’t think it will. Cheating (emotional or physical) is a deal-breaker for me. I have always been honest with my husband about that. Now that he’s done it and got caught, he’s saying all the right words and swears he’s sorry, that it will never happen again, blah, blah, blah. He made that same promise and vow to me when we got married. Here we are 18 years later and he broke that promise and vow to me. I’m supposed to believe him NOW? What goes through the mind of a cheater that allows them to even say these kinds of things? “I swear, sweetheart, it will NEVER happen again! I will NEVER hurt you like this again!” REALLY???? Didn’t you promise me it would never happen at all?
So….not really sure how or if we’ll make it through Valentine’s Day. I don’t even know if I want to.
Oh Jan!! I feel so bad for you!!! I totally understand what you are going through!! I am at 2.5 years out.. a little more I guess… but sometimes it feels like it all just happened yesterday. I’m not going to tell you what to do, except to NOT buy into the Valentine’s Day hype!! Tell yourself what it truly is – another day to deal!! Skip this one this year! I know it was SOOO hard for me on our first Valentines Day after discovery, though we were a bit further along than you – I was 8 months out at the time. He gave me a Past Present and Future ring… normally we didn’t do ANYTHING! I cried – a LOT! I was angry at the meaning of what the ring was, and that I had ever wanted it to begin with, and then I finally got it AFTER he cheated! I felt like it was a slap in the face, though to him it was him trying to show me that he really regretted the affair. At the time I didn’t believe him. It took me a LONG time to actually believe that he was sorry – I mean REALLY sorry! He said a lot of mean and hurtful things before he started saying the stuff he was “supposed to say”. It took me a long time to get past those.
You need to give yourself time! Celebrate with the ones you love right now – your children or your friends. Get your nails done, or buy yourself a new outfit. Do something for YOU that makes YOU feel good about you! Yes, he lied to you. A LOT. Mine did too. I don’t believe for one second that my husband had any idea he would ever cheat on me when we got married. I know I didn’t. He did. They did. As a person who is actively working on coming out the other side of this hell they’ve put us through, you need to realize that there is something wrong with HIM emotionally that would cause him to CHOOSE to be someone that other people hate. That would cause him to CHOOSE to do something he knew was wrong, and then lie so you’d never find out. Why did he lie instead of leave? Really, WHY LIE INSTEAD OF LEAVE? That was one of the biggest things for me to accept, and something I think you need to look at now. Obviously he DOES love you, or he would’ve left. Plain and simple truth. Now whether he will do it again depends on him, not you. Maybe he has learned what he could’ve lost is and really trying to appreciate you now. He lied because he HAD to! Is this normal for him to lie and sneak around? If not then he did it for this because he didn’t want to lose you, but was caught up in some fake world when he wasn’t with you. He didn’t do this TO you, but it sure feels that way! He did this TO HIMSELF, and you were just collateral damage. He needs therapy to find out what he needed so bad from the OW if he doesn’t already know, and if he is willing to do that, and you are really ready to do the work to TRY to fix things, then you have a shot. YOU get to decide now. YOU! Take back your power. Are you willing to work to help him and your marriage get better, or is this a deal breaker for you? Neither is an easy option, but you have to do what is best for YOU now, not him. He broke that commitment, so now you get to decide if you want it back or not. Be kind to yourself!!!!!!!!!
My husband stayed because he cares the most about his checkbook. I guess he does love me but first and foremost he stayed because he did not want to be financially ruined. He did not want to lose his job, his house, his money, ie. alimony check, child support check. Also he wants to be able to go to church with his wife and hold his head up and be accepted. He sowed his wild oats for about 6 years starting our 25th year of marriage. The first 3 years, he said they were “just friends” then they had sex for the remainder, every Monday, broad daylight, in her car behind a store. Just like a couple of teenagers. Long story short, we are still together (married 41 years, I found out 4 1/2 years ago; he cheated from 2001-2006 and lied to me until May 2015) but there’s a lot of rough days. I’m staying for the money too. Money I worked for, kept a house for, raised 2 daughters for, worked a full time job for. I am retired now and I refuse to lower my standard of living for a cheap slut who cheated on her husband with my husband. What a pair. Lots would call me a fool but I’ll live I assure you. Currently making plans for putting in a new kitchen. And I’m trading in my old Mercedes for a newer one. I’ll cry all the way to the bank. Not! Good Luck. It does get easier but you will never forget.
Your situation is all to similar to mine. H had 7 year A after 25 years married, with HS girlfriend meeting for first few years then screwing in back of her mini van so junior high ish. Just to escape and stroke each of egos!!! Sicking… I found out by 4 anonymous letters in the mail
He is very remorseful and realizes it was so hurtful and can’t believe he was actually in such a fog!! We’re working it out but it ain’t for sissies!!!
My story sounds similar to yours, Deborah. The affair lasted 7 years, 5.5 of those years across boarders, and for 4 of those years I had thought it was over. On New Year’s Day of 2023 he told me that it had been physical for the 4 years I thought we were recovering. If I look back, it should’ve been obvious that he was still in the affair. It was only when the OW cut contact because my husband let her know he had told me everything, that the affair ended. A year after contact had ended, he was still telling me that he will never stop loving her and can’t promise that if she were to walk through the door he wouldn’t go with her. But I stay because I also think “Why should I down grade my life” because of his choices. I know that all of my friends and family who know about our situation think that I’m weak, but I’m off on a family trip to Bali today with my grown kids joining, I work as much or as little as I want, and I have a great lifestyle. I think about his affair and the things he’s said to me on a daily basis, but I probably would if we divorced, too. I try my best to be a loving and supportive spouse, and recent months he’s doing the same, but we will forever have this scar.
You both are spot on. My wife destroyed my life 5 years ago. I tell her all the time that it should be turned around. The cheater should have to be the one to deal with the gut wretching pain for the remainder of their lives and not the one who played the fool. It has tainted so many things that should symbolize true love that it still makes me angry that she has taken this away from me. It can’t be changed is what drives me mad to this day. I can say it gets better only with time and everyone’s recovery is different. When I have triggers the only way I found to fight back is to remind myself I am a good person and I am better than what has been imposed on my life by her. I made the decision to stay. I leaned on God and did some deep soul searching throughout the process. A major positive out of this is that I realized even though I am mortal and a sinner myself, we all are, I am PROUD to be in the minority group of the faithful. It takes serious discipline to be in this group and it is vital to reminding yourself that you are a good person. In a nutshell, I need to lean on God and just time. It will never go away, but you gain more control as time goes on. It’s not you, it is an emotional deficiency in them to be able to do something of this nature to another person. Especially to someone they made promises to and they claim to love.
I so appreciate your comments about your spiritual journey through the hell of infidelity. I was a woman of faith before my husband’s affair, but I am forever changed and humbled by all the times in which God alone was there for me. I, too, am proud to be in the faithful minority, be it ever so small a group. I would not wish this pain on anyone, including my worst enemy. I will continue to be true to myself by continuing to be faithful to my husband.
I love you for writing this! I’m 9 months post D-Day, 20 year relationship and 15 years married. Couldn’t agree more about how in the world you just put your emotions ‘on hold’. Clearly the writing of someone who’s never been betrayed. I planned a trip for me and my husband to Europe this week (where we are now) to escape the memories and make new ones. I’ve worked my butt off healing, reading, learning, understanding. I’m at the pint tho that divorce is the path for me and it took this trip to see it. He says he never talks to her but I saw a text yesterday morning. Unbelievable. Enough. God bless you all.
Jan, it could be me writing this post. I’m only 6 weeks post DDay and I’m planning to skip Valentines Day all together. I’m going out with friends and he will be here with the kids. I agree with you 100%. He promised on our wedding day never to do that. How do I believe he won’t do it again?!
The hurt, betrayal and anger are never gone from my mind. Even when I’m busy. I can push it aside, but as soon as I stop, it hits me in the face again.
Tomorrow is just going to be another day to get through.
My wife cheated on me and it broke my soul I will never love agin .
You tell ‘ em, Doug. It’s not anything against jewelry, I can take it or leave it, but the messages those ads presents are so harmful to women and relationships that it is ridiculous. If a man doesn’t buy you (fill in the blank) he doesn’t love you. And in turn, you are an idiot if you love him. Those commercials almost have a prostitute/client feel about them, if you spend enough you can buy my love. A long time ago, I had a friend who sent flowers to her work for all occasions. The girls would go nuts. I said we are all jealous, lol. She said “Dont be. He’s a jerk, and this is all for show. “
Oops, it should say my friend’s husband sent flowers to our work for birthday, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc.
Jan, sorry to hear your story. This is an especially hard time of year to deal with the aftermath of an affair, but there really is no good time. You dont feel very loving towards your husband now, rightfully so. I think you will be happiest shifting your focus away from him and onto yourself, and especially other people. It’s very therapeutic to do something for someone less fortunate. Call or visit a shutin or elderly relative. Surprize co workers with a treat. Donate to a food bank. just do something that is not about him. There are so many people and animals who would be thrilled with any attention. You deserve to have a good day, let your husband brew in his own bullshit stew for a while. Just my thoughts. Take care.
Giz, I love your comments, idea, oh, heck, I just plain love you…and I think we should spend Valentine’s Day together! This is my first Valentine’s Day to be truly single since 1971…and I’ve decided to really celebrate! I have bought myself some very expensive gifts, and I’m getting a massage. I am helping my little ones at school make cards, and we are having a party…I’ve also decided to invest in the student council flower sale, buying a carnation for each of my students plus my principal and my aide. I will be with my grandchildren for the afternoon and evening on that day, too, giving their moms and dads a chance to celebrate a bit. Jan, I agree with Gizfield and would encourage you to do whatever you need to figure out if life apart from your H is what you truly want. Maybe, like me, it’s not so much about what you want anymore, I get that, but it’s very tough to make a decision when you are in the throes of emotion. I am so sorry this happened. To all of us. But love is still worth celebrating, and not just romantic love, either.
Valentines day, well two years ago, it was the first time we had ever been apart, due to his ea. we would normally just go out for dinner. We have done that every year since being together. Yet that year nothing, even though he was home a week or so later, saying he chose me and our family, yet he still was seeing her behind my back, declaring his love for her at the same time.
Last year, on valentines day, I went to the shops as I had left buying anything for him until vd. I’m looking around with such mixed emotions, as I had also known that even a year later he still had not gotten rid of the ow. I still wanted that vd card, yet this day was not the same as all the years before that day and the last. I did still manage to find a card, and a small gift for him, knowing there would be nothing in return. I think it would have been nice just a card, and some nice words on it, yet it would have been taken by me as (yeah right), not as this is what he truly feels.
I waited for him to come home, was around 10.30pm, by that time I had already changed ready for bed, because I was sick of waiting. We did end up going out for dinner, which was nice, yet those thoughts of his reasoning of being late, due to work, as well as the 1hr and a half drive home, seemed to dampen my night for me.
This year, well he has to work so will not be returning home for vd, we will celebrate the next night, I’m assuming if he is not too tired.
I know this year he is actually working, yet vd to me is not the same and I doubt ever will be.
We have less than 6 weeks to refinance due to all the finance pressures and the slow recovering business, if we don’t the bank will be taking our home.
Thanks to the ea, this is our position, and I wonder was she worth it? I don’t know what lies ahead of us, yet I do hope we can fully recover from this, I especially hope and pray, we don’t lose our home.
So two years on from dday, and we are still working through the mess his ea caused.
I’m sure she is laughing hysterically, and hoping we do lose it all.
I have viewed Valentine’s day as over-commercialized for as long as I can remember. I always told my husband that he was so good to me, and our marriage was so great that I didn’t need ONE special day a year. He made me feel loved and special all year long. And it was the truth. That day always just rolled past basically. Then the affair happened. This will be our second valentines since d-day. I remember last year just feeling bitter about the day. Wondering if I SHOULD have always made a big deal of it, etc. But I know the affair would have happened anyway. That mess is on him and attributed to his stupid choices. Also to the whore that was stupid enough to chase a married man and think she actually had a chance. Ugh.
Having said that, my husband surprised me by getting us tickets to a church sponsored event. We will know a lot of the couples there. Of course no one knows our story so it should be interesting. I’m a little stressed as I know I will be expected to put the past behind us ENJOY the night. Any sadness on my part will be interpreted as me “not trying”. Ugh sorry guys I think I am having a bad day. Two anti-versaries are coming up soon and I’m just not feeling it today.
My first Valentines Day was three years ago. Not a happy day, to say the least. I told my husband, no flowers or card. If he did I would throw them in the garbage.
We had been working on our marriage, since his EA , for three months and the hurt was still very fresh. He understood. It was just another day!
We both enjoy Valentines Day and the other holidays now. It’s not the same as the other 39 were but we can look at each other without any hurt or anger and now I can accept flowers, card, dinner with an open heart.
I don’t like to give advice, all I can say is you are the only one who knows what feels right at this point in your relationship and your husband should support you, if he is willing to make your new relationship a better one.
Another three years have passed from this post and still enjoying Valentines Day! It’s important for a relationship to have a strong foundation of loyalty and respect and it can be rebuilt again with some hard work from both partners. Have a Happy Valentines Day, Linda and Doug.
It is so good to hear a success story. It seems like you have been married as long as I have – will be 40 years this year. I am only three months out from find out about my husbands 8-year affair. We are both working hard at recovery and I thank you for posting your advice and success. It gives me hope.
Saw the Light, thank you so much for the nice compliment! I love you too!! Your Valentine’s Day sounds great. Wish I could come. I’m taking a half day off work today to go get stuff for co workers and my daughter’s school party. I’ve been busier than usual lately, with Girl Scout cookies, the Olympics, church, etc. I love your thoughts about VD. We need to take back the VD holiday and make it fun again, for everyone, not the contest to see who can spend the most money and “get laid” that it has become. Maybe “spread” the love, instead of “focusing” it on one other person.
I used to get hurt that we never really celebrated Valentines Day even before the cheating, then after it I had all these expectations – he had to prove his love to me dammit!! And I was so tired of every year hoping for something and getting nothing! I guess for me it was such a relief that my husband didn’t do more than SAY “Happy Valentine’s Day” to the whore! No lovey cards or flowers or sex! NOTHING! And I am sure she was buying crap for her husband for Valentines the whole time! What an idiot.
Anyway, I made Valentines Day into this thing all about him showing his love for me, and not the other way around. Well this year, our third since D-day, I am planning something for him. I MAY even buy him a mushy card! I am celebrating our love – I am not letting the whore steal it from me anymore! We MAY recover from this after all, but even if we don’t get through it together, I will come out of it a better, stronger version of myself, with more appreciation for ME! I DO love my husband, and he should know so he never gets to the point where he should wonder again… I am doing what I can for him, because that is what love is really – a verb, an action word, a thing you do. He did NOTHING for the whore except listen to her whine about her “abusive” husband and sex her up in the back seat of her car a few times – sex isn’t LOVE, and he never did anything LOVING for her! She isn’t taking away from me loving MY husband. Not anymore… Not this year!
This is shaping up to be a very bad day !! I sincerely hope and pray that I am wrong but if I’m not, my marriage ends today. I’ve long felt that anyone who lies for very long will be caught, usually in a way they never expected. You can get throw away phones, and secret emails, and apps that destroy your texts for you. but it’s always gonna come out. The Devil’s in the Details…
This past Sunday I was clearing the dining room table to put all the Girl Scout cookies. My h had some receipts and crap on there, from his coat, or car I guess. He has been doing some plumbing and wants to return some items, so I was looking at the receipts. Or maybe it’s habit since his infidelity, who knows.
I found one from Mcdonald’s dated January 15, 7:18 am. egg white delight, small mocha frappe. Paid with a debit card. Oh, did I mention this Mcdonalds is in the small town where his gf lives, way on the other side of town?
Part 2. Checked my texts for that day. I actually had a flat tire on the way to work so I know this is not his receipt. But yet it’s on my dining room table. I’ve spent the last few days pondering this, maybe it was our renter. So I found out where he works, not anywhere near this place. Plus, this is a girly ordr, I think. Today I did a google map search, the Mcdonalds is 23 miles from my house. 28 minutes. It is 2.1 miles from his girlfriends house. 4 minutes drive. Maybe a tornado or snowstorm carried it. but most likely, she was in his car and it fell out of her purse. I’m going to confront him when he comes home. Also, a few weeks ago he lost his wedding ring, and I believed him. He acted upset, but based on his past history I’m not sure. He made some half ass excuse before I knew he was dating his whore, and didnt wear it. work, or something. When we were split up about a month in 2012 he actually sold it. he was “desperate” for money but lived with his mother so he didn’t have any additional expenses, at least that I know about. he did make a big show about wearing another ring on that finger and replaced it pretty quickly. Not this time. I lost it is a perfect excuse for not wearing a wedding ring. Anyway, I’m going to confront him. If he acts in his pissy “affair” reaction I wil know I’m right.
One more thing I was thinking about. Not long ago, there was a discussion about what you are most afraid of after an infidelity. I realize what scares me is the total, complete loss of my relationship in the blink of an eye. my life changing in one split second and theres nothing I can do about it. like when you are fired from your job, told to pack your bags, and leave by the back door. Like when my mother gave me away at 13 months, when my first husband died right in front of me in 1999, it’s brutal, harsh, complete, and eternal. I don’t want another relationship so I guess I’ll be alone. That would be a million times preferable to be married to a lying whore. All from one tiny little slip of paper, on my table, instead of in the garbage where it belonged. The devil’s in the details.
Sorry to hear about this Giz. I sure hope there is a logical explanation and everything will be OK. Hang in there.
I hope it goes well, Giz. I’m sorry you have to do this. I once confronted about a gas receipt and was told the company must have printed the wrong location on the receipt. *blink* He must have thought I was really stupid.
I hope you get the truth and I hope there is a good reason for the receipt.
I hope all is ok giz, I’m hoping there is a good reason for the receipt. I’m guilty of it too, I check receipts now as well. I too believe that someone that lies, it will eventually come out.
I’m thinking of you giz…
Thank you, Strength. I’m just afraid he has been caught this time. In the past he gave me a line of crap they never met, just email and phone conversation.which is completely unacceptable, by the way.
I’m afraid of the same thing for you giz.
Look at me, the text and the pics, from to he ow, had me jump down my h throat so fast. He gave me excuses, but if he is lying it will fall down on him eventually.
It’s valentines day here today, and it feels like any other day. Another day where me h isn’t around. Certainly isn’t special.
Thank you, Doug. This is just too much of a co incidence and he has used his last chance with me.
Be strong. This sucks and I’m thinking of you giz.
Giz, I’m praying for you. So sorry.
Valentine’s Day is a tough one for me. Before I knew about the affair, my h said he just wasn’t happy with our marriage and needed to decide whether that feeling could change. This was during January, and I did my best to ‘woo’ him back into loving me. I made reservations at a really wonderful restaurant that we hadn’t been to together and his mother babysat for us. She knew about our troubles and was so excited I was trying so hard to make it work. The restaurant seated us in a small room upstairs with only a couple of other tables, and our table was right in front of the fireplace. It was a beautiful dinner, although he wasn’t really into it.
Through texts months later, I found out that while we were at the bar ordering a drink before our table was ready, he was texting her. When I went to the restroom during dinner, he was texting her. When we got home, he texted her for a good 2 hours while I sat on the couch wondering why the dinner had no effect. Remembering now how much I was trying to get him to fall in love with me and knowing what he was doing while I was making so much effort really crushes me.
He never did much for Valentine’s Day before D-Day. I always chalked him up to someone who just wasn’t a romantic. But then I saw the emails of how he would pick out wine for her for her “girls’ nights” with her friends, how he took her out for nice lunches, and how he put his hand on her knee when he’d drive her somewhere. It’s not that he wasn’t a romantic – he just wasn’t one with me.
He’s made efforts on a couple of V-Days since then. He bought me purses on a trip once that had him arriving home on the 13th. The problem was that I knew about the purses because he texted a mutual friend about them and she ended up telling me about them before I got them, thinking I’d already gotten them. Still not sure why he texted her about them.
We work less than 1/2 mile from each other. He told me last week that he has made lunch plans with a colleague for tomorrow. The colleague even said, “That’s Valentine’s Day. Are you sure you don’t want to have lunch with your wife?” His response? “No, we’ll have plans later.” We don’t have plans. I will be driving our daughters to swim practice tomorrow night that goes until 7:30. It would have been so easy for him to ask me to lunch tomorrow rather than intentionally make plans with someone he could lunch with any time. I would like to skip tomorrow and go to the 15th.
I got him two bottles of wine and some chocolate and a card. I got our daughters a bunch of fun Valentine’s stuff from both of us. I want the day to be fun and special for our girls, and that will be my focus.
Bloody hell, Giz! Sending you love from Down Under today (yep, VD already here – quite a funny acronym considering our situations……..) I just want you to know that we love you, and know that this will work out for YOU, and I sure feel your pain, and crossing my fingers for you. I hear you on not going through this again, and also using the idea of Valentine’s Day to spread the love far and wide, not about “romantic” love (WTF is that anymore, anyway, it means very little to me, lol?)
We never made a biggie of it, as we always said that we have it every day, and I really meant it, did he? He says that, but how do you put the actions and the words together? Sometimes a thoughtful meal was cooked, a hand written poem, etc, he is quite good at the caring stuff, of course, sometimes a small gift, usually home made, or something funny, but I will not pretend that this is a lovey dovey day, this, our fifth since his affair. I am not there yet – don’t know if I will ever celebrate this day ever again, with him, alone, or with anyone else, too much hypocrisy for this cynic! He said it to me this morning, I couldn’t say it back, but I did give him a big hug.
Thank you so much for your concern, everyone. When I finally saw my husband, he had already picked up our daughter, we took her to dance class, then dinner. Then shopping for her Valentines, and candy for goodie bags. I also made her a valentine card box covered in pink peace sign/owl paper. I also got cards and lollipops for my work friends. I couldn’t spoil her night with this crap, so I didn’t do it. I am not going to let it slide though, just save it for a better time. I hope everyone, myself included, has the best Valentines Day possible in these circumstances :~)
Giz – WTH! So so sorry! I completely get the not wanting to ruin the little person”s day. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the only reason I work on this marriage. For the little person who didn’t ask for this s#:!. Why does their world have to be blown to bits because of liars and skanks? I’m thinking of you and wishing “the best” for you and your daughter. Spreading the love out to you both!!!!
Wow, Giz, you impress me so much with your ability to bypass emotionally reacting. I know you are going to move forward with whatever it takes…wishing you a love-filled life! My day has been sweet so far, I love my kids at school, my grandsons, my friends. Feeling truly blessed!
You have all my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine what you are feeling and kudos to you for holding it all together. I would probably try and hang in there and give him enough rope to hang himself with. I assume you are looking at other sources and trying to see if there is anything else that stinks. I would have all my evidence lined up before confronting.
Reading everyone’s posts really helps me. Thank you all. I feel so alone. It has been about a year and a half since D day. In that time my eyes have been opened to the string of lies he has told over the years. Not just to me…but about me. He has no remorse. He expects me to do the Christian “thing” and not divorce him because he claims there was no sex. But how would I believe anything he says? He lied even when I confronted him with proof in print. Would you believe that **tch even bragged to her friends on Facebook! Yet he looked me in the eyes and lied. I don’t know what I will do. He gave me a card and candy this morning. I gave him a card and wine. He is at work until midnight. I left for work at the crack of dawn. At least I dont have to see him today. Again, thank you all for sharing. This is not the community any of would have chosen, but I am grateful all the same.
Mabe, sounds really familiar. I got lied to, to my face, repeatedly over many years. And no remorse, not then and not now. But interestingly (at least to me) he made me a Valentine, gave me candy, a plant, and a $300 check. We are divorced. He is crazy.
Hey Gizfield – hope all is OK. Spreading the love is a lovely idea.
Here’s some for you over the pond.
Thank you, Saw the Light, and everyone else. I read a little about a theory called Emotional Detachment, and it was helpful on getting a reign on my emotions, and subsequently my actions, most of the time. I would have bought the book but it was “spensive” as my daughter used to say. I mean really, someone else shouldn’t be able to control my entire state of being based on whether they think I have a cute ass, or pretty hair, or whatever. Next time someone compliments you, ask yourself WHY their opinion even matters. Especially over superficial stuff. This one idea has helped me immensely. Again, I think most cheaters ought to ask themselves why they need so many ego boosts, especially inappropriate ones, like comeon s from people who are married. Eeew.
Valentine’s Day was really good. He bought me a dozen red roses, a box of candy, and a sweet card. I got him cologne, a box of candy, and a Twisted Whiskers card that said “lets be friends.” I believe the irony was lost on him. He, my daughter and I went to the Valentines Day 2/24.99 plus free dessert buffet at Shoney’s. Lol, that was my choice and I enjoyed it. Asked about his ring, he said he is looking for a replacement. Didn’t ask about the receipt yet. Probably pointless anyway. Too circumstantial to prove anything. He will just say he has no idea where it came from, or I dont know.
I woke up to a really horrible dream Saturday morning. He changed phones back in the fall. In the dream, I found the old phone (aka the Whorephone, lol) and when I picked it up, it made a sound indicating a secret text out something. I opened it, and the whores name popped up. Ewwwww. Called the number, she answered. I woke up, thank God.
This was my first Valentine’s Day since Dday, 231 days ago. It also happened to be our 10 year anniversary. I feel robbed. I had always been so excited about celebrating our 10 year anniversary, but they took that from me. Valentine’s Day, last year, was spent with him sending her a picture of his dick and wishing things were different so they could be together. It was the very same woman he had an affair with on his first wife, 37 years ago. All 300lbs of her…with a colostomy bag! We had NO problems before his mind went south. So I know it’s his problem. They spent every day of 15 months, 43,000 texts and 711 phone calls, communicating with each other about how lucky I was to have him. Lucky because I had a husband that was a deceitful, cheating, picture sender? She lives 3 blocks from us and was coming to my home to walk with me for her health purposes. Never said a damn thing to me about what was going on behind my back. His excuse was he only wanted her to THINK that he wanted her very badly, but would never really want her. Am I stupid? He never confessed. I had to catch them. Oh the lies! I wish he would have packed his bags and left so my suffering would end. They deserve each other! He is no longer the man I married. Is he sorry? I’ve never seem anyone act so sorry, but he told her he was a good lier, so…
I confronted my husband about the receipt finally. It went about like I expected. He acted dumb, then defensive about being questioned at all. Then we talked about my faults, even the fact that I “caused” him to have heart surgery after about 2 years of marriage. Not his family history, of his brother dying of a heart attack right before we met, and his mother who is a long term heart patient. Also the fact I’ve been crazy since the day he met me, and he even mentioned an incident in Montgomery Alabama (???) Where he accused me of mood swings. I dont think hes been around many women. I’m seriously more stable than most I know. Lol. He accused me of “never trusting” him. I said ” yes, I made it so difficult you could run around with a whore behind my back for almost a year, bragging about all the freedom you had.” Anyway,.he said he was sorry, it was wrong, and that he did not have contact with her. I sent him the following text from work.
Ok, I’m gonna say one last thing about this morning and you can get mad if you like. MO has no place in our marriage, or your life, or mine. She had no business being brought in by you, no matter what the circumstances. I expect no contact from you with her EVER. this is non negotiable. Our family has almost ended too many times over this skunt (skanky c@#t–made that up myself) and I will do whatever I have to to make it happen. I love you but I will not tolerate you having anything to do with this whore ever, in any way, be it text, phone, email, personal visit, carrier pigeon, I dont care.. I am dead serious over this. so if its a problem, let me know now. Sorry for the long message. Love you.
He responded I have no contact and it is not a problem.
Guess this is a stale mate for now.
He also said “you can’t prove anything with that receipt.” I said I already knew that. I am also writing him a letter about how disgusting people think cheaters are, and how much he has compromised his reputation and character. I will post it as well later.
Here’s a quote from George Carlin, I think it might fit the bill today, Giz:
Women are crazy. Men are stupid.
Women are crazy because men are stupid.
You are not crazy, Giz, but you are very, very funny. Even when the situation is very, very serious. That is a gift.
Thank you for the compliment, STL! Love the quote! Trust me, this guy will find out I know I’m not crazy. Lol, I taped the first ten minutes or so of the 30 minute plus conversation. It’s helpful to remember what was said. Accidentally quit recording right before it got really good, unfortunately. I’m definitely not the one who sounds Cra Cray, he is. I sound very calm, and very southern. Like a slow talking lady lawyer.
Yeah, how about your wife’s EA crosses to a PA on 2/10, you figure it out on 2/12 and she asks for a divorce on 2/14, even though she’s the Skank running around with a Perpetual Womanizing Israel tour guide!
Actually it just hit me that my fears that this was a PA from when they first met have been right.
You see its true they got a suite so they were not in the same room. But when I was talking about kicking his…she said theres no way..I said hey honey his upper body was injured in a war, her comment was, oh yea well his lower body is really strong!
Thing is if not anything our marriage had great SEX..so it is killing me.
My husband is still having an affair. It’s not over.
It’s been going on since July 2014.
He doesn’t apologize or say he’s sorry.
He says he just “works with her” and that he doesn’t want to discuss it.
She’s put a gag order on him because she only wants him to get instructions from her and drink her Coolaid. Make sure he only sees her version of reality.
She’s married and has two kids too – about the same age as my kids.
She’s trying to divorce her husband who seems pretty devastated.
My husband is with her right now in a nice hotel on the beach in San Diego.
My heart aches because I see no end in sight to this affair.
No remorse and apparently no guilt.
He seems to want out and he doesn’t seem to care.
He just doesn’t want to get caught.
I think he is ashamed too. He doesn’t anyone knowing that he’s doing.
Somedays I am over some with fear for my future with the kids.
I feel terrified and I cry.
Somedays I am filled with fury and rage and I don’t want him to come back.
It’s very peaceful when he is gone.
We’re all stressed and walking on eggshells when he is here pretending to live with us.
I can’t come to a decision – if I should call it and file or drag along longer still hoping something will change.
It doesn’t look like anything will change other than she will take him by the hand and drag him through the divorce process like his mommy.
She’s is not attractive. She is overweight. She has a lazy eye.
She has no morals or character – she tried to seduce him in front of my kids and her kids and my nephew while enjoying my hospitality and goodwill and my food and sitting her fat ass on my couch watching my tv in my house.
I can relate to your predicament Vanessa. It’s such a horrible black hole to live in every day. I lived it myself for 3 months after 26 years of marriage. (the “eggshells”, “peace”…I recall those moments well!)
Anyway, all I’m thinking of when reading your post is, it’s past time to put your foot down, no matter the consequences. Your marriage is over and that needs to be faced with directly. No matter how society at large tries to define marriage in any number of ways, it always comes back to marriage is between 2 people only. Adding a 3rd, 4th or whatever is just going to destroy the bond that only 2 people can possibly have in marriage.
Free advice, worth what your paying for it…plan an exit strategy (google it so you can protect yourself financially), presume the worst case scenario and then confront him that this is no longer tolerable. He either honors your marriage & respects you or, he doesn’t. But the current, ongoing 2+ yr affair needs to end.
You’ve experienced THE worst emotional wound possible in this world…rejection from the person you trusted most intimately. It will be a struggle to recover from it but there IS hope for your future. It’s times like this that we really comprehend how short our time on this earth really is.
I don’t pretend to know the added pressures of having young children during an ordeal like this, nor do I know the real details of your situation so discount my thoughts as you see fit. 😉
I feel your pain.
I miss Giz and Strength:(
Vanessa,
Do what a friend of mine did when her hubby was having an affair with another married woman. She had an affair with her husband. They actually ended up together and are VERY happily married :). She is the happiest I have EVER seen her. You know what the best part about this is….they both went through infidelity, survived the pain and are two genuinely honest, respectful and faithful individuals. God Speed Girl! Do NOT let a “man” ruin your life. TAKE CHARGE
I seek out articles like this every year. I find the same ones every year, so I’m not sure why I do it. Maybe because there’s nobody to talk to about this. Everybody understands the valentine’s day annoyance of the perpetually or recently single, or of the amazing couple who doesn’t need a special day set aside (that used to be us). Nobody really wants to engage with the valentines day landmines that a betrayed spouse has to navigate. Just picking out a valentine’s day card (or anniversary card) is a nightmare. I didn’t even look at them this year. So much contrived sentiment, so much naivety. I remember buying those cards in the past.
We used to have fun celebrating “half price flowers and chocolate day” on the 15th instead of actual valentine’s day. Now I feel like if I don’t mark Valentine’s Day properly, she might think it’s because I’m punishing her for her affair. But literally every option, from the cheap and basic gift to the elaborate big deal, feels like it could be interpreted as a passive aggressive message. More than anything, I just want Valentines day to go away.
My partial solution is to get basic flowers and chocolate, and then focus on helping my son get her a nice valentine’s gift and card. It doesn’t feel forced coming from him.
Oh Kevin you read my mind. Valentine’s Day just sucks and it’s been a huge trigger for me all day yep the specter of the OW rears her and his ugly head.
I got a huge bouquet of grocery store flowers with a really dumb card. The last V Day w/ OW he ran to Walmart and bought her earrings. Not that he would dare buy me WalMart jewelry. But i am so biting my tongue to keep from saying “what you didn’t feel inclined to run to Walmart and buy me cheap earrings???” Hopefully i won’t. It’s been a shitty day. I hope the flowers die tomorrow. Big ugly bouquet ????
This is the 1st time I’ve ever written a post like this. I am almost one year from D-Day #2. The 1st one was a 8 month+ (I don’t think he has ever been honest about how long) PA 3 years into marriage while I was pregnant with our 1st & only. He had to confess because of a STD. Fast forward about 30 years and this time he confesses to a 2+?? year EA (hard to believe it wasn’t physical considering he had already done it at least once). Valentines Day just passed without even a simple hug, greeting, nothing. We did buy an outdoor swing for our son & his family & babysat so they could go to dinner. I didn’t plan to buy him anything because I’m trying to protect my emotions, but now I wish I had so he would have looked stupid…
I told what didn’t happen to the therapist & said it hurt me & she asked him why he didn’t even acknowledge the day and he replied he is “too busy.” He can’t understand why that has upset me, but now I really know where I stand regardless of what he claims about wanting to work this out-for the 2nd time. I am nuts for staying, but after 36 years & no job or retirement, I am stuck.
Julie– I am so sorry he treated you so poorly on V day. Yeah, “too busy” ??? But not to busy to waste time having an affair right? No that’s a lousy excuse. I hope your therapist called BS on that.
We are about the same age so I hear you about no job or pension or retirement. I hear you about being stuck financially. We are the generation that got caught in the middle of liberation and traditional female roles. I too was a stay at home mom for most of my life. Biggest regret ever.
But you aren’t and neither am I really stuck. We are entitled to 1/2 of everything. We can learn to live meagerly and sell off everything yes maybe for pennies on the dollar. We can get some kind of job even though ageism is rampant out there in the work force.
Yes we may be nuts but we can even stay and have some kind of fulfilling life. We detach emotionally. We expect nothing and give nothing. We move to our own room and we come and go as we please.
He doesn’t want to play nice then you don’t either. Squirrel your money away. Talk to a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to in a divorce. See him for who and what he is and not some idealized version of who you want him to be.
The biggest trick we play on ourselves is believing that which is not true. Good or bad. Your h is who he is. Most don’t change. Especially the older ones. Question is how low do you place that bar on what you choose to accept in a relationship. If you expect one thing and he can’t or won’t come through, change your expectations or get out. Some way some how. Being poor isn’t the worst thing a person can be.
Mom passed away, 2 days later, she decides is the best time to tell me about her many ‘indiscretions’ with multiple companions over our 13 year marriage. I proposed to her on Valentines day, so this year, i’m treating myself kindly and going out of town, to be as far away as possible. That’s as far into the future as i can think right now because thinking is nearly impossible. I’ve no feelings aside from rage, which is ok to feel, but not ok to ‘act out.’ Sad there is so much available on the internet about helping people dealing with unfaithfulness, so sad it is so common, have we humans learned nothing. If you’ve contributed here or are reading, you are not alone in the feeling of your heart being ripped from my chest, you’re tied to an anchor and are sinking into an ocean of despair. so, for me trying to be anything other than as far away as possible is just not in my strength or emotional/mental capacity at this time. May healing for us all be possible in some fashion some day.
Hi this is my 2nd VD can’t remember the first as still in shock just after discovery. We’ve been together for 50 years never celebrated valentines because we were in the card business believe me when you’ve sold thousands you don’t want to be looking at one on mantlepiece. So it was never a big deal But this year what a trigger everything been OK for weeks now we’re getting there slowly but for some reason I got it into my head that he must have been buying/sending her all sorts I’ve got no proof at all. Had a cry which I haven’t done for ages. He was very supportive. Got myself sorted got on with my day. My husband sent me a text saying he understood my feelings and reassured me he never ever celebrated VD with her. I think at last he is ‘getting jt’ Triggers it’s taken 14 months since DD but I truly believe we are going to be OK. We both love each other very much. He made a stupid choice she wanted what we had. That’s a so called friend for you. Then I realised it was the 13/2 so for me tomorrow will be just another day. Enjoy whatever you decide to do and keep strong good luck to you lovely people Jennet
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I hate Valentine’s Day. I discovered about my husbands two year long romantic affair in Thanksgiving, 2019. I told him he could leave to be with her, the door was wide open. He said he wanted to stay. I agreed on one condition; he had to stop all contact with her. Two and a half months later, on V Day, he brings me huge bouquet of flowers to work with a card. We go to dinner later on. Late in the evening, when we get back, I check his email, and my whole world came crushing down. He had a confirmation email from a flower company of a flower bouquet he sent to his Affair Partner with a message,” I love you my dear Em”. It was the worst pain. I tore his card, threw away his flowers got in the car and left. He begged me to come back. I am back, and now two years later the pain is still very raw. I regret coming back because even though he promised he was done with her, I found out that they continued contact using a different phone number. He had cut contact for two years now, as far as I know, but I cannot forget.
Boy oh boy. Valentines Day. What a joke. It’s for you g people in love not people who have felt the pain of a cheater. This year will be just another day. No sex that’s for sure. My d day was last year February 10th. Over heard my husband on the phone in the garage talking to the 16 year younger than me A.P. I went into the hospital that night with a complete breakdown. Came home on Valentines Day and he tried to give me a spoon ring he had made for me 5 years before but had forgot all about it. Handed it to me and said I thought you might like this for Valentines Day. I just came across in my desk drawer. I forgot it was there. Well, I looked at him like he was a monster and very calmly told him that was the perfect gift to give to the A.P. that he had told me he was in love with and put me in the hospital. He looked like a child and told me that was mean. I left that afternoon and after being gone for several days he called and wanted to reconcile. We have been through hell and back for a year. Still together but I don’t know if I can stay with such a selfish man. Time will tell.
Hi I’ve just come across my post the same time last year.here we are another year gone. Still having bad days valentine’s Day is nothing special to me never had been.
We are in our third year of reconciliation it’s still difficult and I think it will be for a while yet.
My husband carried on the affair for 7 months after he said it was finished admittedly half was in a very strict lockdown so he was unable to see her physically but the messages kept going.
He has had no contact with her since then which was July 2020 (so he says,) but on new year’s eve 31.12.21 he received a text from her and he replied and I saw them both very distressing reading them saying l love you so much. I completely lost the plot I have been married for 51 years and I cannot remember losing my temper as bad as that EVER!!!
The next day I gave him the ultimatum this stops immediately or I’m leaving.
I’m absolutely serious about this because I’m not living with all this crap again.
I’ve never given him the ultimatum before.
He knew I was very,very serious.since that day not long ago I know, but he has had no contact with her he has blocked her number tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. Can’t say I believe him that much but I’m trying because it’s put me back to day one regarding trust. But I’m trying!
I’m not sure if he was shocked at my temper(because I am a calm person) was it the ultimatum which he knows I will carry out. I don’t really know but he is much more affectionate than he was before and seems happier in himself.why?? Is it because he got the text from her.
I’m hoping it was because of what I did and said. Difficult to know.
He insists there’s no contact in any way
We all know that we want to believe but the trust issue is so huge its going to take time all over again.
I’m hoping we will get through this backward step and move forward.
At the end of the day you have to begin to trust otherwise it tears you apart.
Good luck to anyone in this horrible situation and I wish you well.jennet
To all the hurting partners/spouse you have to hang in there.its hard no doubt about that. But your partner/husband/wife they are not evil.people,flawed absolutely!!
Check out LIMERENCE ON YouTube/martiagehelper it explains so much
It’s hard and painful and there are days when you can’t face the day.but the betrayed are good people and we deserve the best.but reconciliation is hard and it will be an up and down rollercoaster but hang in there if you want to save your marriage.
I’m doing that I am not putting 53years of my life down the toilet just for her she’s not worth it.i am worth so much more
Thank you so much for that Jennet. It helped to read it a great deal.
I have been with my husband for 38 years and married to him for nearly 33.
He had been having an affair for exactly a year when I found out. Sadly (this part did the most damage) after he swore he’d ended it and sobbed that he wanted to be with me and our older teen kids, unbeknown to me it limped on for another two months. I later found this out, and even though it had definitely ended and he had ended it himself, which at least showed me he did want it over and had chosen me and our family, it absolutely destroyed me all over again to know that despite me being on my knees with pain and shock, despite swearing I was all he wanted, he could still lie to me and dither and have sex with her in hotels. What the hell goes through their minds? All this in the 30 th year of our marriage. Indescribable pain.
I had no idea, he was so good at acting normal and was a scarily good liar. We are nearly 3 years since DDay and have done really well, had some fantastic times together and still love each other very much, but I suffer terribly from triggers which can spiral the good times down the toilet scarily fast.
I’m just hoping we can ride this rollercoaster, he’s done nothing but be a good husband since the affair, his stupid 20 years younger bimbo is history and has been for 2 and a 1/2 years now, but sometimes the pain is like it happened yesterday. Valentine’s is a mixture of joy and horrible triggers for me. I can’t un-know what I know they did together 3 years ago.
Hoping for healing and that he can hang in there whilst I find it. X
Hi Jacinta sorry to hear you’re struggling I think is all part of the healing and you have to look after yourself first.i write in my journal nearly everyday good or bad doesn’t matter just put it down on paper.i also walk miles every day I go out 2 or 3 times just walking it helps so much,clears your head,lose weight and meet people doing the same.think of yourself!!!
Start tomorrow get out there you will feel so different in a short space of time.
Look up LIMERENCE on YouTube/martiagehelper these videos are brilliant.
I also read Andrew G.Marshall books they help enormously.
I still have days when I can’t believe what’s happened after a lifetime together 53 years. Trouble is we can’t change the past as much as we would like to. We don’t want to relive the lies,the texts we’ve seen ,the excuses we’ve heard none of it and you have to tell yourself to stop playing those things in your mind it will drive you mad!!
These are things I do all the time.to be honest I can’t be bothered to check his phone his emails etc.whats the point they are do good at what they do and if they are cheating again you will find out soon enough because now we are more tuned in
With everything because we don’t take each other for granted like we did before
We give each other space everyday I don’t need to be with him 24/7 any more than he needs to be with me. I was always a strong person but this really threw me ,didn’t believe in myself ,my self confidence and self esteem hit rock bottom.but now I am stronger,I know I can manage on my own if it came to it.
Ultimately my husband knows this and I think it’s given him the kick up the backside he needed. I admit when I saw that text on new years eve I thought OMG here we go again but this time I was so very very angry there was no way was I going down that road again not for him and certainly not for her.
After all this time I ask this question ‘why is he with me’? He could have gone a long time ago but he’s here.
Maybe he thinks he is lucky I am still here!! , Who knows!!
Good luck in your struggle but please make yourself the priority.jennet
Thank you for replying, Jennet. As far as I know he has had no contact since May 2019. If I ever found out he has (he has been given far too many opportunities to admit this already and is adamant he hasn’t) or if I see any form of communication between the two of them, I’m done. If he can ever hurt me like that again I will never believe another ‘I love you’. I feel like I’ve put myself through it twice, so relieved that he wanted me and our family and his ‘three month’ affair and ‘only slept with her about five times’ bullshit was over. I threw myself heart and soul into reconciliation and believed every word he said and thought he was too. He acted like he was, sobbing and apologising and being attentive and so loving. Then I found out it wasn’t three months, it was over a year, and they’d had sex at least twice a week (do the math, it’s not pretty) and that all the time he was sobbing and swearing I was all that mattered, that he wanted us to be happy and strong again, she was gone for good, no contact ever again, he was still seeing her and taking her to a hotel for sex. He had become totally unrecognisable.
One more whiff of infidelity and especially her anywhere near our marriage and it’s over for me. I can’t do this again. They haven’t got a clue how much pain they cause. They think they know, but they really don’t.
Good luck Jennet and thank you for taking the time to reply. XX
Jacinta,that’s what happened to me. He had 3.5yests affair with a so called friend.then when I found out he said it finished !! But then confessed it went on for 7 months longer but we had s strict lockdown for 4 of those 7 so he says after lockdown there was no sex and it had ended.he tells me now that he hadn’t had any contact for 18 months in any form until 31.12.21 when she texts him and if course he replies.i saw that text and absolutely lost the plot I was so angry.
The next day I gave him the ultimatum her or me and I’d never don’t that before and he knows I will leave because I’m not going through this again.
He said the text was only a new year’s eve wish.yrsh right with I love so much crap In it. I daresay her husband has gone away for work again and she’s at a loose end of the just wanted to stir up trouble,she certainly did that.
It put me back to square one for a few weeks but now I’m back to myself again and my husband seems more affectionate than before I don’t know why.i sometimes wonder did it do us something good that last contact perhaps in his head it is over even though he replied.
I’ve asked him not to contact her and he said he won’t and he has blocked her number .nothing much else I can do because you can’t control anyone else or what they do you,you can only control yourself and what you do.
Make yourself the best you can be,put yourself FIRST.
good luck you will get there jennet
Valentines day means nothing to me never had really so I don’t think if it as a special day at all. When I look back on the last 7 years (4 of the physical affair)!,the rest of the time not sure if it was still going on many texts during that time promised that nothing was going on etc etc. in july of this year I had seen one text too many,,!! I took myself on holiday told him I’d got a lot to think about as I felt this was the last straw I couldn’t put up with it anymore. No argument no row just very calm. I decided to stay with him not because I trusted him but because it suited me better to stay than go and that’s what I told him. It was a case of throwing my good life style away my financial security and because I just wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of me leaving. Another thought crossed my mind as well ‘ would I stop thinking about the affair and the heartache it caused by not being here ‘ and I think the answer to that is NO it wouldn’t. So I felt like being selfish and staying. He tells me it’s completely in the past and has no constant at all. All I said was that I really can’t be bothered about what you do anymore because all you’ve done is lie. I don’t know what happened but things really have changed in every way more affection , more consideration maybe it was because I have become indifferent to him I’m certainly more confident I don’t know to be honest but I’m enjoying life now I feel I’ve wasted the last three years after DD being in a state of complete helplessness but not anymore. Not sure if any of this makes sense but I have found peace. I have always loved my husband and I’m sure he has loved me (even during the affair so he says) after being with him since I was 17 and now I’m 71 I just think we’ve had more good time than bad. And infidelity is one of the worst things to happen in a marriage because of the constant DECEIT and lack of trust which is the hardest thing to regain. I wish you well in your recovery jennet