A 26-item surviving infidelity checklist for each spouse.

Surviving Infidelity Checklist

By Doug

The following surviving infidelity checklist of 26 things to do for each spouse was emailed to us recently and we thought it was worth sharing with you.  Let us know if you have any additions you think might be necessary.

I’ll be using CS to represent the Cheating Spouse and BS to represent the BS. 

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your cheating spouse (CS) must do:

1. CS must be totally honest with you about everything

2. CS must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

3. CS must do everything in his/her power to prove to you that you are the one that he/she wants to be with.

4. CS must prove his/her love to you…he/she must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

5. CS must feel your pain.

6. CS must fully understand the devastation that he/she caused you.

7. CS must accept full responsibility for his/her actions.

8. CS must stop all contact with affair partner and not try to protect them.

9. CS must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions—within reason.

10. CS must reassure you that you will not drive him/her away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

11. CS must recognize when you’re struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

12. CS must be able to tell you how sorry he/she is and show you.

13. CS must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

See also  Managing Your Anger After the Affair

14. CS must put his/her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

15. CS must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

16. CS must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.

17. CS must be willing to seek counseling.

18. CS must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex…he/she must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Here is a list of things that the betrayed spouse (BS) must do for surviving infidelity:

1. BS must give him/her the necessary time to prove his/her love and commitment to you.

2. Be open with your feelings.

3. Ask the questions that are important to you.

4. Don’t be afraid that you will drive him/her away while you are trying to heal.

5. Stop blaming yourself for his/her actions. You are in no way responsible…even if you are Attila the Hun!

6. BS must be able to let him/her connect with you. (this one takes time)

7. BS must continue checking up on him/her in order to let him/her rebuild trust.

8. BS must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.

Naturally, every case is different and everybody has different needs, so there may be additional requirements in many instances, or others may get by with less. 

Additionally, the time frame for surviving infidelity is different for each of us.  Some may take a several months, others a few years, and yet some may never get over it. The point is that in order for a marriage to have a chance at surviving infidelity, both spouses must leave their inhibitions and hang-ups at the door and work hard to make it happen.

See also  Reconnecting Emotionally After the Affair

Feel free to add to this list for surviving infidelity in the comment section below.


    5 replies to "Surviving Infidelity Checklist: The Top 26 Things You Both Must Do"

    • Scott M.

      Not even close for her to admit this. In fact she admitted she may not have the energy or desire to reconsile. I am on “try out” it seems. What you can for me is to not do anything for me except improve your relationship with our children. Its sems that I am being tested by her. If I fail to live up to her definition of reconnecting with my children, then she is gone, and I will be blamed for the failure. Hardly fair.

      She is willing to do nothing at this point except to continue to see this person(s).

      I feel like now she is throwing it my face. You know who am seeing, where I am, so whats the big problem here?

      I feel a cold dose of reality is in order.

      I wish I could move out with the kids and leave her in the empy house for a month. Maybe that reality would work.

      Her jig would be up.

      Her fantasy world would be over-reality would shine thru like the sun.

      But, I wont do that.

      She is my friend, not my enemy.

      I will sit back and eat shit for awhile longer, afraid to even converse with her for fear of being labeled “needy”?

      • Ted

        You should not “eat shit” at all.
        I understand your feelings, but you should not let someone treat you like that! You state she is my friend, not my enemy….
        Is that how you treat your friends? I think not… so don’t put up with it..

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