Dr. Huizenga on surviving infidelity…What Do I Think about in My Worst Moments?

Dr. Huizenga on surviving infidelityBy Linda

Dr. Robert Huizenga is a well known expert on surviving infidelity.  In fact, he is referred as the “Infidelity Coach.”  He recently has written a new book entitled, “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink,” and we were asked to review it prior to it being published. 

One of the chapters in the book that recently came to mind deals with the questions that you should ask when confronted with infidelity. 

These questions form a baseline and beginning point so that you can break free from the affair, save your marriage or move ahead and redesign your life and relationships.

The one question that I thought was unique was “What Do I Think about in My Worst Moments?”

The answers to that question though, can help you confront the pain and lead you to realizations of what is vitally important to you.

Here is an excerpt from the book that deals with this question:

Dr. Huizenga on surviving infidelityWhat Do I Think about in My Worst Moments?… “Now that question may seem rather strange, because most of us don’t want to go there. We don’t want to go there because it probably is exceedingly painful, and we are naturally trying to get rid of this pain or we try to alleviate it.

We may medicate ourselves because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may drink ourselves into oblivion because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may shop till we drop because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may try to escape to some island because we don’t want to feel the pain. We will try to go somewhere so that we don’t feel the pain.

It is very common to try to not feel the pain, not to think about our worst moments.

But I want you to think about your worst moment, and here’s why.

What is pain? Pain is a belief that I want something, and I’m not getting it. I want something that’s extremely important for me, and it’s not happening.

Now let’s relate this to infidelity.

Infidelity may trigger thoughts like… I’ve always dreamt of having a family — of having a loving, warm, beautiful family — and it’s in jeopardy right now. That’s what I think about in one of my worst moments.

Or pain may mean I always thought that I was going to live with someone forever and that we would have a happy life. I never dreamt that I would get divorced, and now it’s a possibility.

Pain may mean I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, to be successful, and now with this I feel like a failure. I feel extremely sad that I’ve failed.

Or it may mean that I have always put hope on being a sexually desirable person. I wanted to be wanted, and now I’m cast aside. And, I’m sexually replaced by someone else.

So this is your pain. This may be part of your pain. Enter into this pain. Face it.

And you ask yourself, “When I feel this pain in my worst moments, what are the thoughts? What is it that’s really, really important to me?”

Your pain will lead you to that place in which you discover what is vitally important for you.

So follow your pain, and your pain will lead you to your dreams, your hopes, and your aspirations.

And if you have a difficult time facing the pain, ask yourself, “What does this mean that I feel this pain? What does it mean that I’m thinking this? Continue to ask yourself that question.

I’m in my pain. I must want something. What does it mean to me that I’m here? I use this statement with people sometimes who are in pain. I say, “Gold is refined through intense heat.”

Click the following link for more info on “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink.” 

 

    7 replies to "Dr. Huizenga on Surviving Infidelity: Follow Your Pain"

    • karen

      Every BS’s response to finding out about an affair is a bit different, but I can attest (8 weeks out post-D-day) that the suggestions in this email as well as all the others and the links on this site have worked for me. I avoided many of the “missteps” (completely understandable) of the BS’s by reading, researching and then acting on the tips given. While my H and I are still in the beginning stages of recreating our marriage (one step forward, ? step(s) back), I am confident that I am doing most of the “right” things for myself. If my husband doesn’t keep up, I may have to get a replacement 🙂 He just wants to put it all in the past and move on . . . . . NO WAY!!! We will continue calmly discussing it once a week, and I will continually communicate what I need from him and where he is
      not measuring up to what I need in a husband. If and when there is contact with the OW (which I’m sure will happen), I will reiterate my boundaries to him, and he can once again choose his actions. Will I be in that intense pain again when that happens? Not sure. Maybe. But knowing I have the tools to deal with it is so empowering. I encourage all the other BS’s on this site to study, read, research . . . and then do it again. Take care.

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      Karen,

      You are absolutely right. One needs to study, read, research, …. Some of the answers may fit, and some may not. Dealing with cheating is not a one size fits all situation, not does one intervention fix all either.

      Pain is a powerful motivator when you can harness it to drive the study, read, research, study, read, research…In doing so, you will know what you are dealing with, be empowered to make better choices and know how to save your marriage.

    • last2know

      Karen, I am proud of you. I am almost coming up on 1 yr D-Day. Labor Day weekend. The pain had subsided quite a bit and most days I am doing great. Recently I found out that the OW and H were in contact even after he asked her to stop he was accepting her calls, It happened rarely according to him and I didn’t see any evidence of it either. But he admitted she would call maybe once every couple of months and ask him if he was okay and she would ask if I was okay(like she cares).It took 10 months but finally he got the message. He thought he was at a place now where if I brought it up again it would be okay for him to say “you are pushing me away” (because I still check his phone etc). I said “I am sorry if you feel I am pushing you away I just have to do what’s right for me” and walked off just as confident as ever. (the old me would have apologized yada yada). Within minutes he was behind me like a puppy dog and then the second REALLY serious “No Contact” letter was sent. At the end of the letter he states “My wife Exxxxx knows all the details of our mistake and she will be made aware if you attempt to contact me”. I thought we had already come a long way but something more happened that day, he was at 95% but after that he is at 100%. Back to pain. I didn’t have it anymore that day and he knew it. He forgot that the pain had been replaced by the new me and he remembered he was still walking a very fine line. So things are good I still have the power. He knows I mean business and I do.

      • karen

        Last2know: I loved your post!!! I am so proud of you for “keeping” your power, and I will remember what you did if (okay, when) the OW and my H contact each other and will do the same (hopefully). I so wish others on this site could understand that staying angry only prolongs and intensifies the pain, but I completely understand that rut (and even go there once in a while). I have to “will” myself out of it because it ONLY hurts me – not my H and OW. Please celebrate yourself this weekend – I am proud to know you!!!

      • Broken

        Last2know… how did you find out that he maintained some form of contact with her? Why weren’t you told about the phone calls she made to him?
        It bothers me that a second letter had to be sent to the OW, why couldn’t the first letter had been enough. When are you going to draw the line? When are you going to say enough is enough? How do you know for sure that this time it’s really no contact, or is there going to have to be a third letter sent?
        I’m only saying these words, because now I have fear for my own relationship that maybe the OW is secretly speaking to my H and I will find out later. There is no second chances with me anymore, I wont deal with this BS, if he speaks to her and I don’t know about it, there wont be a letter, there will be divorce papers.

    • completely crushed

      Wow, I really commend all of you for being so confident and really taking control. This is all very new for me, I only found out in the last month, and I don’t know how to get to that point. My situation is odd…H had an emotional affair that was all one sided?!?!?! The OW had no interest in anything other than friendship. I did read their emails and she was pretty flirty but both swear that she is just naturally a flirty person. My H on the other hand developed feelings for her and did write to her to tell her and to see if those feelings were returned, they were not. The problem is that he wrote this letter after I found everything out and was willing to put it behind me and fight for the marriage. My biggest problem is that i will never really know what would have happened if she had said she felt the same. My H says he felt he needed to know and does not really think that he would have been able to go through the physical actions because of the guilt he would have had. I have contacted the OW and she states all of the same info and knows that he has been dealing with a lot of issues and under the circumstances she can no longer be his friend. So again, she is the one that ended it. She was cheated on and it lead to a divorce and she said she could never be “that woman”

      I constantly feel the pain and try to understand it but i can’t help feel that he is still here because he doesn’t want to be alone and that I am second choice.

      He is now in therapy and dealing with a lot of issues in his life along with the fact that our marriage was in a rocky patch, he has chronic health issues, a horrible work environment, money has been really tight, his family is completely dysfunctional and he is their scapegoat for everything and my parents can be overbearing and do sometimes interfere (I now realize it is because I have allowed it). He is depressed and has really changed into a different person in response. He is taking anti-deppressants and they seem to help but I don’t know what the end result of his soul searching therapy will be which only makes me currently feel more anxious and insecure.

    • totally crushed

      WOW! Great info from all of you. I’m 2 days out from finding out about my spouses MANY emotional affairs and am running the gamut of emotions. I can only hope I can be as strong as all of you and pull through this.

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