survey 2We’re sure you’ve been waiting with baited breath for the results of our most recent reader survey  which we conducted last week. So we’re gonna present that to you here in this rather detailed – and long – post.

First of all, we wish to thank everyone who took time out of their busy day to take part in the survey. With 39 questions, it may have seemed a bit daunting, so we do appreciate your time.

Anyways, we’re not going to address every question, but will touch on the ones we thought you’d be most interested in.

Even so, this recap is a long one. There were several questions and you all contributed lots of additional thoughts, suggestions, fears and frustrations. 

One thing to note before we get into it…You may notice that some percentages might seem a little off. That is, when you add them up they may equal more or less than 100%. Apparently, some of you were so excited to take this thing you answered some questions more than once…Or, you got a little bored and may have skipped a question or two. No problem. It’s not like this is some super exact thing that will wind up in some scientific journal somewhere.

So without further adieu, let’s dive in…

Please feel free to add your takeaways and comments in the section below the post.

 

Site Demographics

Gender:

gender

As you can see, the females still outnumber the males by quite a bit.  However, the 21.66% figure for males represents a big jump from last year’s number of 14.77%.

 

Age:

age

Generation X and the Baby Boomers comprise the vast majority of the respondents.  With the 46-52 range leading the way.

 

CS or BS:

BS_or_CS

In 2015 we had 10.71% unfaithful spouse respondents and this year half of that.   Last year must have been an anomaly because the number has always been between 5% and 6% .

 

Length of time married or in a relationship:

How_long_in_relationship

Once again it appears that infidelity hits those married the longest.  62.66% of you have been married over 20 years!

married_or_divorced

Almost 83% of you are still  married.  Is there a correlation between the length of a couples marriage/relationship and whether or not they stay together after an affair? Or does it have more to do with your determination and a will to fight for the marriage?  The percentage of separated and divorced couples inched up just slightly from last year.

 

Affair Information

Type of Affair:

type_of_affair

It amazing how these numbers have hardly changed from one year to the next!

 

Is the Affair Over?:

over_or_not

Sadly, more than 30% of you either are not sure that the affair is over, or you know that it is not.

 

How long ago was D-day?

how_long_was_d-day

More than 72% of you have lived with the affair for more than a year and almost 43% of you, for more that 2 years.

 

Reasons for the Affair:

reasons_for_affair

This question allowed for multiple answers and it would appear that many of you think there were multiple reasons for the affair – or you just don’t know for sure.

This question also allowed for some “Other” reasons.  Here are some of the possible reasons in general for the affair, taken from your comments in the survey:

  • Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  • My spouse was not happy with himself and the choices/decisions he had made in many aspects of his life. He felt important/needed/wanted when he was ‘helping’ someone. This is how it started.
  • Cheater lost business and therefore lost self-worth
  • Possible signs of sex addiction
  • Death of father, stress at work, and all of the above
  • Mid life, routine, disatisfaction
  • Childhood issues
  • Military issues
  • Immature, selfish, married too young, not handling success well….
  • He doesn’t know
  • Old girlfriend. Reconnection.
  • Financial, career ended, poor self-esteem, isolation
  • Targeted by a manipulative gold-digger
  • OW was flirting and manipulating
  • An attempt to forget about a serious health issue that threatens his independence and identity
  • Victim of child abuse
  • He claims he needed to “figure out” if our relationship was really “the one”. 
  • All of the above
  • Facebook
  • Pretty sure my husband has overlapping personality disorders
  • The first time……over 15 years ago….lots of stress in almost every area. The latest affair three years ago….work difficulties. He is someone who tends not to communicate what he needs and is often out of touch with his feelings. 
  • Alcohol
  • Postpartum depression
  • Spouse ‘unhappy’ and poor conflict skills equaled a lot of resentment
  • Not sure
  • Immaturity
  • Emotional immaturity of my husband
  • Reunited with high school sweetheart. Feelings still there!
  • 30+ year serial homosexual affairs
  • Husband never had a strong role models in his parents.
  • Her mother became ill and she said that I wasn’t there for her
  • Serial cheater.  Cheated from year one
  • 1st time away for work
  • Family history of infidelity. Looking for excitement/boredom
  • Both of us were busy building our business instead of building our marriage!!
  • Menopause
  • Love addiction
  • He had life threatening surgery a year prior and met up with a HS friend at a job site s year later. 
  • Old girlfriend wanting to rekindle past relationship
  • Focus on kids and not on the relationship
  • It happened because he chose to be selfish, entitled, deceitful and controlling.
  • Death of mother
  • People in the know said the OW strongly pursued my husband.
  • He stopped his relationship with God
  • Escape, fantasy
  • Narcissistic asshole
  • She hadn’t relinquished former lover and was still in love with him
  • Habit of constantly flirting and hoping for response
  • Sickness of a child, work not fulfilling, parenting disagreements
  • Chose to get involved in an EA.  Could have chosen to end it when he knew some things were not right
  • I really don’t know. All of the above

 

unhappy couple in bedTalking about the Affair

Talking with your spouse:

The results indicate that 40.69% of you talked “a lot” with your spouse about the affair while 60.57% of you talked very little or some – but not enough – about the situation. This is about a 10% swing towards the “talked a lot” side –  which is a good thing.  

Meanwhile, 64.90% of you wanted to know everything – including all the details, while about 32% just wanted to know the general stuff and about 4% didn’t want to know any details.

What was surprising to us is that over 37% of you who talked about the affair, did so for less than 6 months. Could there be a correlation between this and the fact that so many of you are still struggling 2 years after D-day?

Perhaps one correlation and assumption we can make for this was that 28.10% said their CS refused to talk about the affair beyond the basics and 53.59% only disclosed some of the information after much pressure to do so. 20.59% said that the CS told them everything they wanted to know.

 

Talking with a counselor:

There were 76.51%% of you who spoke with a counselor and of that group, 28.10% did so alone and only 41.09% are still in counseling. 58.36% of you have seen more than one counselor.

The rate at which you felt counseling was helpful or not was a mixed bag…

24.90% felt that counseling was mostly frustrating and not helpful, while 45.31% thought it was helpful, but not as much as you would have liked. Just 32.65% thought counseling was very helpful.  Coincidentally, 32.48% of you also felt that talking with friends and family was extremely helpful. 

 

For those who have not seen or talked to a counselor, here are the main reasons they have not:

why_no_counseling

Here are several reasons for why you have not been to a counselor (or stopped going):

  • I am a therapist! Talked informally to co-workers but did not hire one as a therapist
  • I’m embarrassed and shamed
  • I have gone to counseling however my husband is not interested/willing…
  • I don’t know
  • After 9 months it didn’t seem to help anymore
  • First counselor was the worst.. She told my cheating husband she figured he was cheating. Condoned it almost.
  • Just didn’t know if it would help.
  • She didn’t want to go at all. She stopped going after a couple of sessions
  • Not brought up to take troubles elsewhere – and live in small town where most people know me
  • WANTED to work it thru ourselves
  • No help
  • Not aware of good marital counselors in my country
  • Don’t feel the need for a counselor
  • It doesn’t make sense to go to counseling until the affair is ended or will be finished.
  • He went to 2 sessions. Lied all the way saying it was over. Found out 9 months later he had a secret phone and was still talking to her
  • My husband deceived me and the counselor
  • I wouldn’t go to a counselor again because she wasn’t honest with the counselor or with me the first time we went at the beginning.
  • My husband and I had been to counseling a few years back. I found counseling to be quite frustrating and I was tired of rehashing the events. (This counseling was prior to the EA) I was looking for answers or ways to move forward, not re-living the pain of the mistakes we both had made.
  • I am afraid their opinion will be harmful
  • Didn’t get as much out of the sessions as I had hoped.
  • Because if I went to see a counselor and they would have told me it was my fault or even hinted at that, I would have lunged across the table to knock them out.
  • I know more than they do
  • Feel that we need to work this out between us and that a counselor would not help
  • Restrictions as good counselors don’t take insurance
  • Haven’t been able to find one that specializes in infidelity
  • It was not working for me
  • He said we’d go then change his mind back and forth then said we can’t afford it
  • Can’t afford it
  • I feel like it helped all that it could and I no longer need someone else to talk with.
  • Wasn’t all that helpful…waste of money.
  • Partner not invested or committed, continued to lie

 

recover from infidelityDealing with Infidelity

The next group of questions dealt with how you’re dealing with infidelity at present.  Yes, it is very apparent that the majority of you are still feeling the pain.

Dwelling on the Affair:

still_dwell

Nearly 65% carry the pain everyday while about 34% think about it from time to time but it is not a constant focus.

 

Sense of forgiveness or resolution:

forgive

61.56% of you feel that you have forgiven but 33.88% still have lots of anger and resentment towards the cheater.  7.17% have been able to let it go.  Forgiveness numbers are up about 3% while the haven’t forgiven numbers are down about 3% from last year.

 

Have you healed?:

healed

As far as healing from an affair goes…66.35% feel somewhat healed but will always carry the scar of the betrayal.  25.96% are still in great pain, while 11.86% have mostly healed and feel they have grown in many ways.  Those who have healed somewhat are up about 6% over last year, while those in pain (down 7%) and those who have healed and grown (down almost 2%) are both down over last year. 

 

What about Trust?:

As always, trust is a big issue.  Only 5.63% feel their spouse is trustworthy.  51.41% are still very guarded and 45.07% have been able to rebuild trust to some extent but are still somewhat cautious. 

Having said that, 48.38% feel that your relationship is better than before the affair:

better_or_worse

 

Trust after Divorce:

trust_after_divorce

For those of you who have divorced, 75.47% said that you have not been able to build trust enough to develop another intimate relationship and are still very anxious about being vulnerable or being hurt again.  15.09% have developed another relationship but hold back somewhat, and this year 13.21% have been able to develop a new and trusting relationship, whereas no one reported having developed a new and trusting intimate relationship last year.

 

What are you currently struggling with most after the affair?

For the third survey in a row, rebuilding trust is not the number one struggle.  It came in second though (at 64.94%) to dealing with painful thoughts, triggers and memories of the affair (78.57%).  Running neck and neck after the two biggies are Reconnecting on an Emotional Level, Better Communication, The CS not Helping with the Healing Process and Forgiveness.

struggles

 

Here are some of the other struggles that were mentioned:

  • I had to learn how to trust a man again…Had to learn how to be myself without worry of not being “enough” some how. Had to trust that faithfulness was possible.
  • Healing from PTSD caused by betrayal
  • Being able to go the next step when things feel really good and we are close-I start ‘shaking’ not literally but I talk myself into going forward and I’d be okay if he did something. It’s a very slow process and alot of close; push away; close; push away
  • Knowing the only real reason not to leave is my three children
  • The emotional affair did not end for years even though the physical did
  • My children’s hurt
  • Lack of ability from the wayward to give dentils. Lots of conflicting information. Lots of excuses.
  • Self esteem and self confidence
  • Anger, resentment
  • Sexuality
  • Will never really trust him again
  • Can’t talk sbout my affair
  • Separated six years the affair partner is still trying to get him to have a committed relationship. I don’t think we can reconnect because he has no empathy.
  • He moved…started yet another relationships it’s a new woman while rejecting the long term adulterous partner who he had two children with…continues to deplete what money we had in savings and retirement to serve his own desires and those of other womenile
  • Not trusting due to continued manipulation of people and lying and concealing facts
  • He dumped the woman he was having thecaffaircwith but had already looked up a childhood sweetheart and although he begged and pleaded he loved me, I was his first choice, because I didn’t trust him because he lied over snd over about their relationship, filed for divorce and he is now with her part time!
  • Still bothers me at the height of it all- drip fed answers for over a year. Sighs or rolls eyes if I ever want to know something about the affair because I was given so little when i was ‘allowed by counsellor’ to ask. Thinks I’m trying to trip him up. It was all so selfish and immature sometimes I look at him and think what a putz especially when he still has to say things to women to try and make them laugh-lots of women in his office building. He needs so much attention and ego stroking it’s just exhausting sometimes. Also, he gets upset that I don’t 100% trust him. He’s so emotionally immature I think if alcohol and oppurtunity were present he’d say to himeself ‘well my wife doesn’t trust me anyway so I might as well’ Pretty sure I can’t meet all his needs and if he knew he wouldn’t get caught he’d do it again. He puts on a good show but I think bottom line he is lacking in integrity. No ones perfect though..sigh.
  • Spouse doesn’t really understand the damage he has done. So annoying and frustrating.
  • My spouse had 2 emotional affairs and was not honest during both counseling sessions. He pretended that all was over while continuing to lead a duplicitous life.
  • It rarely comes up and I’m afraid to bring it up. I need to still talk about it sometimes
  • Distancing spouse; son is in immense pain over his father’s abandonment
  • My spouse is truly remorseful, and grateful for a second chance. However, still not sure he understands the depth of the pain.
  • We are living together as brother and sister
  • spouse’s lack of growth and my PTSD and now depression
  • The uncertainty of what the outcome will be, as well as whether or not to be physically intimate.
  • I wonder just how insane he is
  • Spouse still gets defensive
  • The truth. He trickle truthed me to death! Now I don’t believe anything he tells me regarding the affair.
  • The lies my husband has told about me and the fact people believe them
  • My husband refused to discuss anything after the discovery except for a few times but his behavior since has been commendable and in that way, he is showing how badly he feels.
  • Lack of confidence and depression
  • the time it takes for midlife crisis
  • Forgiving the tramp who tried to break up our marriage
  • Forgiving the person I was involved with and how he treated me
  • Still a friend on his Facebook acct.
  • Dealing with the presence of the OW in my social life
  • Trying to find a place to love her again
  • For us now, we are in a good place!

 

What has been the most helpful in your healing and recovery process?:

most_helpful

As you can see, you guys tend to favor books and blogs by far over the other types of resources.

 

Here are some others that were mentioned (some may be worth checking out if you haven’t already):

  • Emails and audio
  • Blogs, counseling in the early stages of just finding out and exercise.  Working with my spouse in the latter parts after he was more out of the “fog”
  • Spending time regularly to talk about our lives before issues of daily life become problems that overcome us
  • Christian Radio shows: Family Life Today
  • Support group run by a social worker
  • Developing interests and establishing friendships with other women.
  • DivorceCare through church
  • My relationship with the Lord and research in the Bible 
  • My spouse finally making the decision to heal the marriage.
  • Retrouvaille
  • The little talking we’ve done especially when he confesses something new. I told him from the start to just get it all out and he hasn’t.
  • New counselor – previous was only about “me” and did not support rebuilding a marriage
  • Moving the focus to my own interests, to regain control and joy in my life
  • My two daughters
  • Diary
  • EMDR & EFT [therapy]
  • Hasn’t been much
  • Meeting with a priest
  • Reading your emails!!:)
  • Working on my own self esteem, living by my core values
  • Time
  • And our personal favorite…”Finding this Blog…”

 

fearYour Biggest Fears:

There were hundreds of comments on this one and I sorted through them and it was quite evident that there were two primary fears that were mentioned far more than anything else.  They had to do with the possibility that the cheater would cheat again, and not being able to trust.  Besides those two, I’ve included several others that were mentioned that may be a bit different.  (I apologize if there are any duplicates)

  • Affair restarting – That it will happen again
  • Getting the trust back
  • Retaliation from husband for leaving him.
  • I might never be able to get over the affair.
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Whether or not we will divorce.
  • The fear that “post affair” life will never measure up to the “goodies ” of the affair for my unfaithful spouse
  • My spouse could leave me at any time. I never felt that way before.
  • She is still lying and thinks I don’t know… Not sure if trust will ever be rebuilt with a serial cheater.
  • Never going back to what I thought was a good marriage.
  • Inability to totally reconnect (fear he waited to long to answer my questions) I deserve to know.
  • Staying with a compulsive liar and losing my sanity and never regaining my health. I don’t have much hope for the marriage. I just want to regain my life for myself and children
  • I am divorced and feel I might be too scared to ever start a new relationship.
  • Finally realized that all my life was based on lie.
  • That I will never get over what he did or be able to forgive him.
  • That I am wasting my time since I do not feel the same about my husband as I did before the affair.
  • He will backslide.
  • I am afraid that my wife will leave me because she has not gotten over my betrayal.
  • Wife will consider opinions from wrong people not helping the situation, like trying to overcome alcoholism by asking for help from a bartender.
  • Whether I can be ultimately happy in this relationship in the long term after such a core betrayal.
  • We will stay emotionally disconnected forever.
  • That we cant repair what was broken
  • That he will never be able to “convince” me of his love for me. That was destroyed.
  • That she’s just biding her time before she leaves.
  • Trust in his love of me. Would he have stayed if kids were not involved? Will I ever truly forgive him?
  • I won’t be able to regain my self-confidence
  • Stagnant. We have different moral values. This is our 2 year after D-day. We both seem tired.
  • That the OP will contact him again
  • Losing the communication that I did in my marriage
  • That the AP will forever be a part of our lives through triggers and memories
  • That my husband will not be healed from his sexual addiction, continue the affair, and want a divorce.
  • Loneliness
  • That I will think about it every day for the rest of my life.
  • Not knowing the whole truth.
  • Financial status reduced 60% of income; finding companionship in my old age.
  • Nothing has changed, and I’m finally accepting this fact. I’m struggling to find the courage to end it.
  • That if I tell him details, he will leave me
  • I fear that so much damage has been done that my husband cannot or won’t want to rebuild with me.
  • Being taken advantage of by my husband financially.
  • She isn’t as passionate for me as for him. That I’m second place.
  • Complacency
  • Whether he’s really ‘seen the light’ That he is still capable of maybe not an affair but a one night stand-even though he says our life and sex life is amazing. He didn’t use protection and feel he doesn’t get how much danger he put me in.
  • Dying alone.
  • Social media, that she may get sucked in by false feelings again.
  • Partners internal issues are not resolved.
  • My biggest fear is that I may never think of him the same way as before the affair
  • My repressed anger & resentment
  • I can never find safety, trust, friendship…with my spouse
  • That if and when he is ready to reconnect and recommit, I won’t want to.
  • That I will never be completely happy again.
  • I don’t believe he values marriage the same as I do.
  • The loss of my family situation if I divorce him
  • That I honestly just don’t care anymore.
  • That I have been fighting to save our relationship, and that he is only really staying because of the kids, not because he wants to make things right between us. That it was the easier option to stay, that she had told him she’d had enough, that he still wants to leave, that I’m potentially wasting my time, that I’ve been fighting for something I thought I wanted to save and now wonder if it’s the right thing.
  • No fears , semi happy. Just still think about it too often.

 

Your biggest frustrations:

Again, hundreds of responses here.  Most mentioned, in some form or fashion, that the CS will not talk about the affair, denies the affair and/or the CS lacks any commitment to rebuilding the marriage.

Here are some others that were mentioned.  (Again sorry of there are any duplicates or omissions)

  • Constant lying
  • Confronting the other person. It was my best friend and she doesn’t know I know because we didn’t talk for a long time.
  • Husband not taking responsibility for his actions despite my having proof of infidelity.
  • She refuses to end the affair saying she cannot help her feelings. She does not see it as an ‘affair’ because she claims they have not had sex. She has emotionally abandoned me and the marriage.
  • It just changed my perspective on our whole marriage. It all seems like a joke to me. Marriage in general is a joke to me.
  • Her addiction to communication with the lovers…yet she goes to great lengths to put up a front that she is committed to saving the marriage. (Will do whatever it takes )
  • They still work together and spend alone time together
  • My brain can try to understand, but my emotion can’t understand why my husband can not forgive himself and let it go.
  • Just that it happened and that it’s a part of my life, and I don’t and won’t know exactly how my husband viewed what he was doing despite what he has told me. Sometimes I wish I had just moved on and could start fresh
  • His inability to understand my pain and unwillingness to deal with it.
  • Him wanting to sweep it under the rug like it never happened and changing the subject when I have a trigger.
  • The lack of remorse. The hiding of details. And trust
  • How do I stay in the marriage where my spouse never had any sexual, romantic, limerent or physical attraction for me? Is it possible to remain in the marriage knowing my spouse will never be able to meaningfully offer me anything near the level of the sexual, romantic, limerent and/or physical attention and interest that she displayed for her affair partner?
  • Triggers
  • My inability to let it go. To want revenge on the AP
  • That he can not tell me why he chose to have an affair.
  • I am my biggest frustration
  • It ends. Then it starts back up again. Then another D-day happens. It ends. Then starts back up. Then another D-day happens. Over and over
  • How much I love him and hate him at the same time. How he tried to make it seem like I was the one with the problem because I couldn’t let it go.
  • Disrespect and utter lack of concern for the one who loves him the most
  • My husband not excepting the severe affects of the affair on everyone involved .
  • That once he was caught, that he didn’t end it immediately and actually protected her over me.
  • That the OP never paid a price in any way.
  • Mostly with myself that I tend to bring up the past and that is a stress to my spouse and I keep asking him to “do whatever it takes” but I can’t even answer what that is.
  • Comparing myself to her.
  • Lack of intimacy. Feeling like there’s a third person in our marriage.
  • Never seeming to get anywhere
  • Why it happened
  • What the relationship meant to her then and now.
  • Knowing that my husband will forever have secrets from me. Never looking at him the same way, even if parts of our relationship has improved. Forever having images and thoughts of the affair in my mind.
  • So much more work for me than for my spouse
  • The persistent pain. The tremendous loss of not longer having absolute trust, and knowing that there was one person in this world who always had my back. Frustration in wanting to let go, but being afraid to.
  • Can not forget the pain I caused others
  • Realizing that my spouse could be so easily swept away by someone so needy and manipulating
  • The defensiveness, omitting of truth, and maybe lingering feelings that spouse may have for the affair monster.
  • He doesn’t want to give up single behaviors or friends
  • For a long time my spouse did not take responsibility for his affair. He treated me as if it was my fault. And was angry that I couldn’t just ‘let it go”.
  • Her explanation doesn’t jive with the evidence.
  • Still feeling like making comments about it — having to hold in the anger i really feel a lot of this time
  • I just want it to stop. I want my husband back.
  • Rejection and wondering why he would want to be with me after seeking other women. I wasn’t good enough then so why would it work now
  • My biggest frustrations is that this still bothers me as much as it does. That I don’t handle my feelings as well as I would like some time. I just want to heal from this.
  • Being treated as the enemy ….cut off from communication. Except for financial information He may see finances as his only obligation thus excusing him from dealing with the carnage his selfish choices have wrought
  • The realization that even after 33 years of marriage you still really don’t know what he’s capable of.
  • That he wouldn’t go for counseling with me
  • Not consistently getting my spouse to “walk in my shoes.” Also, dealing with the financial/physical aftermath.
  • Seeing the other person.
  • That he treats me so bad but is extremely nice to everybody else.
  • That we are stuck (at 32 months past D Day) in a place where he is trying very hard to make amends, be remorseful, support me the way he needs to and I cannot get over his affair and the terrible way he treated me then.
  • How to end it
  • My wife was OK with the marriage being over. My pain or healing needs might just be what pushes her out.
  • The length of time it took for him to try to cut ties with affair partner.
  • He can’t remember anything.
  • Never understand what real love is. Totally confused about feeling love romance etc
  • The inherent unfairness of the situation
  • Dealing with him bringing it up.
  • She could do things with the OM she can’t/won’t do for me.
  • The negativity it brings out in me
  • I am not sure, how to set up my boundaries. To have sex, or not when the affair is going on.
  • My ex spouse had a child so that will always be a reminder
  • That it took him some time to come out of the fog.
  • That I didn’t confront my fears sooner. I knew something was wrong and buried it for a year before D day

 

Site Info

What type of media is liked best?:

media

Once again, Reading is king!

 

How often do you visit?:

visits

The vast majority of you visit our site weekly or a few times a week.  Welcome to all the first timers!

 

Type of Device:

device

OK, I know this is the age of the Smartphone and all, but this one kind of surprised me.  I thought smartphone usage would be high, but didn’t think it would be the device that is used most often (40.26%) to view EAJ.  

 

on your mindReader Suggestions

We got a ton of topic suggestions, which we thank you for. There are certainly some very good suggestions and we will attempt to address as many of them as we can in the coming months.  

Men out there…We hear ya!  We acknowledge that often the articles tend to have a man-as-the-cheater slant to them and that is really just a function of our own experiences and the fact that our main readership has always been women.  But we will certainly add some more articles that are man-as-the-betrayed focused.

Many suggestions are quite specific to individual circumstances and we’ve perhaps addressed them in a more general fashion, or from our own experiences. Many of them relate to the fears and frustrations that were listed earlier in the survey.

Even still, many of the topics that were suggested have been addressed already, and some several times from various viewpoints and angles.

I realize it’s a pain in the ass and can take a lot of time to hunt and peck around trying to find an article on a particular subject. So a suggestion would be that if you have a topic in mind or something that’s really eating at your brain and you want to read something about it, you might want to try to perform a site-search by typing in some keywords to see what comes up.

Below is a screenshot of the search box that resides in the upper right portion of the sidebar. You may not always get a precise hit but it might be worth a try if you have something you wish to search for.

search

This will be posted article number 977, so chances are fairly good that if you have something you’re searching for that is infidelity related, it’s here.

Finally, there were numerous topic suggestions that were mentioned in our surveys so often in the past that in addition to blog articles, we created programs to address them.  These were topics like – rebuilding self-esteem, what the CS can do help in the healing process, how to control the obsessive thoughts of the affair, etc.  

The programs that address these issues are primarily Survive and Thrive after Infidelity, The Affair Recovery Group and Healing from and Affair: A Cheater’s guide for helping your spouse heal from your affair.  Now granted, these programs aren’t free but they do address these topics quite in depth, and we feel they are priced so that they are affordable.   To check these programs out, just go to our programs page and choose the program you want.  

 

Any other suggestions for us regarding anything else – site design, format, etc.?:

Finally, (just when you thought it was over) many of you had some nice feedback and suggestions for site improvements.   Most said things were good the way they were, but here are some additional ideas/comments that you tossed out to us:

 1.  A way to find professionals concentrating their practices in affair recovery and/or couples crisis counseling for any given location (this would have been a huge help right after D-day and but for the Grace of God, my individual counselor in time referred me to such a professional). Thank you very much for being out there!

Response:  Great idea.  We did a post a while back that may get a person on the right track and here is a couple of sites that may help a person find therapists in your area:  The American Psychological Association or the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy .  These might help for now while I try to find something better.

2.  From time to time there is a lack of interaction from Doug and Linda with posters on the comments sections. I think it’s important for anyone arriving at the site to have their comments responded to so they feel important and that compassion is available to them, especially when they are so vulnerable.

Response:  You’re absolutely right.  No arguments, but keep in mind that we can’t always respond to everyone all the time, but we can certainly do a better job at it.  Thankfully, we have a great community that offers support and answers questions most of the time.  I guess you all have spoiled us!

3.  I would like to look up certain contributors to see what their story is and the progression to the current situation.

Response:  For some reason, the search function does not have a way to search for individual users and their contribution.  I will search again for a plugin that can do that, as they are constantly changing, and perhaps we can accomplish that.

4.  When I go to the site via bookmark it always brings up the old link to when I bookmarked it. So I have to go to home, blog etc. I have tried to re-save it and it always does it again. Your site is the only one that does this for me.

Response:  Hmmm…not sure what could be going on there.  Perhaps you can shoot us an email and I can try and figure it out.  

5.  Would like podcasts or audio materials as my husband is interested but is not a reader- things he could listen to on his Iphone while commuting.

Response:   We regularly send out audios and links to helpful podcast downloads in our weekly emails.  You can sign up for them on our blog in the right hand sidebar.  Our Higher Healing area also has about 350 audios for download or streaming.

6.  Perhaps an easier listing to find all articles you have both written.

Response:  I know there is a way to be able to click the author name and all their posts are listed.  I will do some further research on it.

7.  Page breaks for blogs and discussions replies

Response:  I assume this is in regard to posts where there are a ton of comments.  I will look into whether or not there is a plugin or some way to break them up.  

8.  Sometimes the grammar is not good.  

Response:  Ha!  Is this from my mother?  (She was an English teacher.)  Sorry, we will try harder, but we ain’t perfect!  😉

9.  It is not obvious where is the last post or topic.

Response:  I may be misunderstanding the issue, but the latest post is always the first one listed on the first page of the blog.  If I’m off-base here, please clarify.

10.  Make it easier to find new comments. More new comments shown when clicking on the comment box on the right side of screen.

Response:  With the current tab box that has the popular posts, latest posts and recent comments listed, if we added more it would take up too much room in the sidebar.  Again, I’ll look for an alternative.

12.  Live chat!

Response:  I’ve looked for plugins  that would allow for direct messaging and/or chatting, but they weren’t really a good fit to add to the site as they used up too much resources, which is something our host frowns upon. However, I’ve also looked at utilizing a separate domain for this, which is a real possibility.  I just need to find the time to set it up!

Thanks for all the suggestions.  Just remember that neither of us are website developers or “techies,” so it might take us a little longer to figure some things out!

 

At last.  The End!

We realize this post has a lot of stuff in it and it is incredibly long, but hopefully it’s been educational, if nothing else. Remember if you have questions, problems, suggestions or thoughts you want to share with us in private, you can always shoot us an email.

Thanks again to everyone who took the survey!

Please leave your comments about anything below. Thanks!

 

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