I just wanted to share some of the stupid things I did after the emotional affair.

stupid things I did after the emotional affairBy Linda

Several months ago I wrote a post about the stupid things Doug said while in his emotional affair, and got to thinking that I also did some stupid things. 

Well, at least some things that sure wasted a lot of my time when I could have been having a pedicure, eating a bowl of ice cream, or getting a massage by a gorgeous masseuse.

Most of these wasted activities were related to my pseudo-obsession of the other woman. I wonder if any of you can relate to these:

  • Pulling up her picture on the internet and staring at it for minutes at a time, thinking I would get some kind of revelation or epiphany.
  • Map-questing the route to her house and contemplating a drive by, thinking it would tell me what kind of person she was.
  • Combing through Doug’s phone records and texts, and then creating a spread sheet outlining their day.  (First they would text from 7:30-10:30, then a 20 minute phone call, back to texting, then meet for lunch. Etc.)  I still don’t understand how this information was helpful to me.
  • Color coding my date book and writing a description of calls and texts in case I needed a quick reference.
  • Thinking that every blond actress, newsperson or lady on the street looked like her.
  • Re-routing Doug miles out of our way so we wouldn’t have to drive by one of her advertisements.
  • When I was alone I would drive by the advertising signs on a daily basis just to see if I could get a glimpse of her or see how successful she really was.
  • On the flip side, I was often afraid to go to the mall, supermarket or other public places for fear I would run into her – even though I probably wouldn’t know who she was if I came face to face with her.
  • Focusing way too much on her and allowing her to consume our marriage.
See also  How Does A Betrayed Spouse Heal from Cheating?

I really regret all the time and effort I spent on the OP after Doug’s emotional affair.  I believe that if I would have let her go and stopped making her fantasy so important we would have healed so much faster. I allowed Doug’s fantasy of her to become mine and I believe I had a more difficult time letting go of the fantasy than Doug did.

I really haven’t figured out why, but I know I need to stop letting her get to me.  She has been out of our lives for over two years and it is time to bury her and any memory that is associated with her.  I know in all the healing and recovery I have accomplished after the emotional affair this is my last feat and I know I will conquer it and move on.

I’d love for you to add things to this list so I don’t appear so neurotic! 😉

    80 replies to "Stupid Things I’ve Done After the Emotional Affair"

    • Alecia

      Wow! This sounds exactly like me. Although I would add to my list, locating her on facebook and looking at her picture or going through her friends list to see if anything was “new” or “different.” I accomplish nothing by looking at her picture except creating new fear and doubt in my heart. I agree with you, this is one of the last hurdles. I so, so, so appreciate your words: “I allowed Doug’s fantasy of her to become mine.” I needed that to today. A great reminder that it is/was all a fantasy and it really isn’t worth my time. It actually takes time away from the present that I could be experiencing with my husband.

    • Helen

      I laughed out loud when I read this because I have done most of these things too! Funny how we think we’re the only one that does what we consider a bit crazy!

      I can add that I have scoured her Facebook to see if she has any friends that I know so I can be guarded around them. I have also done the looking at her photo thing!

      When I have looked at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning I have thought that she probably looks wonderful at all times and with no make up.

      I have also tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine what she must be thinking.

      As I write this I can see what a total waste of my time and energy it was/is and I’m going to make a conscious effort to cut any thoughts of her out of my life. Thankyou Linda.

    • Morrigan

      DAMN! I want to cry right now.

      Wow, thank you for writing this Linda. I have wasted so much time pulling up her picture thinking I would get some kind of revelation; I did the same with the phone records and colored coded the calendar with notes of when they texted, talked, and met up, trying to get it all in order, I’m not sure why having it in order is so important. The entire book sits here and I keep telling myself; when you are healed you will burn this book, and I can’t wait for that day. And I have gone through the social networking site looking at her friends, building a history of her life, looking for clues, to what??

      I have to admit though, I felt much better about myself when I actually saw her networking site. I now know what she looks like, and she is not better looking, I know her lifestyle, and know it would not have lasted with my spouse. I found it to be actually a good thing finding it. But the bad thing is I have gone back and just looked, sitting there wondering why? why her? I get angry, right now I am angry at her. I do think I focus too much on her, and she was just there, a symptom. The issues are really within him.

      When you have conquered it, please give some insight!

    • Liz Lemler

      I’ve done so many of those things as well — the Facebooking in particular: checking to see if she’s posted on the walls of other people, checking to see if she’s changed her profile picture recently. I would zoom in on her photo to see if I could get a better idea of what she looked like — just so I could KNOW FOR SURE that she’s not as attractive as me. I have blocked and unblocked her so many times I’ve lost count (she’s blocked now, btw). When she was unblocked, I would be sure to post on a mutual friends wall just to try to irk her — what a waste of time.

      I also got a spokeo.com account and searched for her presence on the internet. I ended up finding an old photo album of hers online that included pictures of her in a formerly chubby state that were also incredibly skanky and self-indulgent. It didn’t do me any good to see those things other than confirm that she is indeed a self-indulgent little trollop – and has been for some time. (Save the “not all OW are skanks” commentary. I know this. I’m not generalizing. But I also know that this particular OW IS.)

      I used to be afraid every time I saw her car around town (I had no idea this particular car even existed until now). And they are EVERYWHERE. I was afraid of going to bars and other areas in town bc I didn’t want to see her. I was afraid of going into his place of work bc I didn’t want to see her. And after a while — I got MAD. I was pissed that I had let her take over and control my movements for too long. So I went into that store and gave her the best stare down I could, walking hand-in-hand with my guy, thinking “That’s right, I know who you are. ” I felt like I took my life back in that moment. I wanted to confront her directly, but didn’t want to cause a scene. I returned to have lunch with my guy shortly after, and she just so happened to be working (although not scheduled to do so), and stared at us eating together the entire time. It felt like a small victory.

      She moved out of town shortly after, and although not all of my problems left with her, I felt a large sense of relief. I still struggle with the blocking and unblocking of her facebook. It crushes me every time I unblock it and I hate that it takes 48 HOURS!! to be able to re-block her. Every time I do it I get those feelings of “I dont know if I can do this anymore.” And I also feel like I’m not showing that I am doing everything I can to move on if I keep up this facebooking behavior.

      One other thing I have trouble with that I don’t necessarily have control over is the nightmares. They used to be much more frequent than they are now — but I still have those dreams where he’s gone back to her, or is still seeing her, or is still cheating or what have you. Even just last night, I had a very “Fatal Attraction” – style dream. I wake up feeling so much dread and panic, and it takes a good portion of the day to move past it. Even when I try to keep her out of my conscious thoughts, she still pops up in my dreams — and I continue to waste my unconscious time and energy on her. Ugh.

      • Doug

        Liz, I have tried to zoom in but couldn’t get the damn thing to work! LOL! Any ideas? 😉 Linda

        • Liz Lemler

          Ha! Sorry, Linda — I won’t tell you how to do it!

    • B

      I don’t know what I am doing here, but I read this site everyday. My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have 4 beautiful children. Back in October of 2010, I noticed some real changes in her that have been scaring me ever since. The premise is this, my wife met a man who is only 25 years old (my wife will be 32 this year) and they struck up one of those business friendships. They both work in the same field, but for competing companies. When my wife met this man, she was very open about meeting him at her convention. They live in the same area, and they call on the same offices. In October, my wife went to a couple of happy hours and didn’t return until late where she informed me that he was there. This made me very uneasy and I didn’t know why. So I began that process of snooping through her phone to see how much contact they really had. Turns out they were calling back and forth as many as 15 times a day. They were texting, but most of the texts would be deleted or it would seem as though one was missing in the log. She knew this made me uneasy, yet she continued to do it and began uttering the dreaded “we are just friends” phrase.

      At first she claimed she would tell him not to call so much and believe me if there were 15 calls in a day, 14 of them were incoming. But then in December my whole world got turned upside down when a coworker of mine went to a restaraunt to pick up lunch and saw the two of them sitting there eating. A lunch mind you where she had told me she was going out with her girlfriend. When I confronted her about it, she first lied about who she was with, then informed me that she was indeed with him but said “How could you think I would cheat on you? I only didn’t tell you because I knew you would be upset”. Yeah, as if somehow lying to me was so much easier on me. She would then admit to another lunch they had and ultimately I would discover (through my own snooping) that a business trip she supposedly took out of town with her boss for a cotravel wasn’t with her boss at all, it was with him. I called the hotel and verified with the desk that each one of them had a room reserved. When confronted with this information, she lied, screamed, called me crazy, hit me, etc. Then when she finally admitted they were in the same hotel, she said nothing happen.

      Fast forward to now, in the last 6 months she has called him, texted him, been places with him, all while telling me she loves me. Telling me not to give up on us, telling me they are just friends and he is not improtant. Telling me she won’t talk to him again, only to go back and have a 30 minute phone conversation during the day. She is home every night, we are doing things with the kids, life is moving forward but I don’t trust her. I’ve stopped looking at her phone for my own sanity, but I’m 99% sure they still talk. I think she is having an affair and she will not admit it. I’m not talking about it anymore, but she constantly asks me what is wrong. If I even mention her lies, she tells me to grow up and move on. I love my wife, but I can’t live in this bubble anymore. I’m scared, paranoid, and my gut tells me I am right.

      I don’t know if she has ended it, if she is just being more careful, or if they have even crossed that sexual line. All I know is, I am a good husband and father, and I don’t deserve this. I don’t know why she is acting this way, she says she is depressed and has said things about us never being good together, yet we lasted 14 years and have a great family. I just need to know how to move forward with this. Will she ever come clean? Is it possible that she hasn’t crossed a line yet? When does the fog lift because no amount of crying, begging, or getting angry has changed anything. She tells me she loves me and that she is faithful, she tells me she is mad because I don’t trust her, but for the first time in my life I don’t believe anything she says and I find myself wondering all day where she is and who she is with. someone please tell me how to get a grip on my own thoughts.

      • michael

        I’ve been there. Until she sees what she is doing as wrong, no amount of asking, pleading, begging, crying will make a difference. Be strong for you and your family. Tell her whats unacceptable, and hold her to it. She may still find a way. But until you get to the point of it not being ok she will continue.
        Even the threat of divorce did not change my wifes mind. And in a way I let it go on as long as it has. I never said this is not acceptable. So in a way I allowed it to be acceptable.
        I know you don’t want to loose her. I feel the same way. But by allowing it you prolong your pain.
        You may not be to that point. But when you are you will know. I don’t have the answers but I might have asked the same questions as you and probably more.

      • HurtingHubby24

        B, I can feel your pain my friend. My wife, who is 30, got involved with a 23 year old. We have 3 kids, I thought we had a great marriage, and then the world came crashing down in June. Of course I don’t know you or your wife, so I can only speculate. But I think I can speculate pretty well….

        First of all, trust your gut. It is right 99.999% of the time. I can not tell you how many times my gut told me something and my wife would insist for WEEKS that I was crazy – and then I would find out that I had been dead on right all along. Thing is, you’ve known each other for a long time. And so you know when something is wrong.

        Second, your wife was at a hotel with another man. I’m sorry my friend, but it is what it is. She lied to you about who she was going with, and stayed at a hotel with him. (Doesn’t matter if they had separate rooms). Your wife sounds a lot like my wife – she’ll lie to cover her tracks as far as she can, and will manipulate you to get you to shut up and put up. You MUST assume the worst, and I really recommend you get tested. I know you don’t want to hear this, but your health is very important and you can’t trust your wife to look out for you right now.

        Third, just like my wife, it sounds like yours is a master manipulator. What she has been doing is INEXCUSABLE, and yet she makes you feel like the one in the wrong. She tells you that you need to grow up and get over it. She freaks out at you and hits you when you catch her doing something wrong. She goes out with the guy, talks to him, stays at a hotel with him, and then tries to make you think you’re losing your mind for believing anything is going on. Ask yourself this, B: If you were to do this crap with some other woman, how would your wife respond? I know it’s hard, and it’s taken me a long time, but at some point you have got to stop putting up with the manipulation and the lies. I know you don’t want to get hurt, but the truth will set you free. I highly recommend you check phone records, put a key logger on her computer, etc. And don’t let her off the hook. If she starts yelling at you, hitting at you…. it’s time to pack a bag and go for a few days. Or better yet pack hers.

        As my counselor wisely told me: “If you shield her from feeling the consequences of her actions, she will never change. As long as you enable her to treat you this way, she’ll continue to do so”. I gave my wife every chance but I stopped putting up with her crap. Last week I asked for a divorce. She’s furious, desperate, self-righteous, and devastated all at the same time. But I don’t care. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, and neither do you. I hope you don’t have to get to that point, but it is time for you to start sticking up for yourself. “Be a man”, as my dad always used to say.

        All the best, I know this hurts like hell. And it’s never fun to be replaced by a “younger model”. If you want to talk about it, feel free to email me at: [email protected]

    • Char

      Linda – I too have wasted an incredible amount of time thinking about the OW who was in my husband’s life. I am at the year point in my journey and my husband has had no contact with her but I have contact with her on a daily basis because she works with me. We were previously friends which is how my huband came to know her. I am successful and love my job but lately I am contemplating my career and leaving where we live. I would love to hear suggestions on how I deal with some one who I may not see every day but I definitely hear her voice in my office and often see her in social settings because she runs in my circles. I have done a lot to avoid these things but I feel power being taken away from me by someone who is seemingly getting on with their life?
      If you could imagine I saw her in the grocery store and actually felt a panic attack and I see/hear this woman every day in the office. I think I am prepared for the office but out and about – I am not? What? I have every right to be shopping and to feel comfortable. Why does she still have such power in my life?
      I am in awe how my husband could have picked this person and frankly is still in some kind of fog? To me she is some one who stepped out of her marriage to be with my husband, who did very little to change her situation at home but rather picked the “easy” route to feel good about herself with my husband, who is obviously is not a good friend and when was confronted wasn’t accountable for her actions. I know all of these things yet why do I feel bad? I guess I am with you Linda – why do I let this woman intrude my feelings or thoughts? She obviously doesn’t hold a candle?
      Thank your website. I have been following for about a year now and you have no idea how much it has helped to hear your insight and your struggles because there are days I wonder what I am fighting for?

    • Geri

      Linda. I have actually done the drive by her house hoping to get a glimpse of her. I have never seen her and was curious. My husband had an EA with her for 15 years(she has been married to the same man for 20+) and I knew nothing about it when we started dating. We hit it off immediately and our relationship was wonderful. DDay did not occur until we had bought a house together and lived there for a year and half. I knew of her and that they had a friendship at one time. We have since been married but continue to struggle often. Nice to know that i am not alone. Keep asking questions and the answers just generate more questions.

    • changedforever

      It’s not so much the OW…I tell myself…its the lies, the complete deceit that floors me still…6 months from DDay as of this Sunday. The OW is 1/2 his age…we. have been together longer than the OW has been alive…she collects unemployment…works 2 months each summer…a real ‘find.’ So it is not the OW I am comparing myself to, its how mentally sick & temporarily insane my H became when he thought ‘that’ was possibly a better life for him…with someone who didn’t even respect herself by being with a married man living at home with his wife & 3 kids.
      Yes, I admit I did the color coded tracking and cell phone record book (which someday I hope to burn,) but that was to not only help me put the timeline together…but also to track the number of ‘possibilities’ resulting in possible pregnancy…so I could be ready for the next ‘boulder’ to fall on top of me…almost 6 months and counting…no ‘news’ is good news…?

    • nan

      I’ve been with him 15 years….It’s been exactly 2 months since d day, I’m acquainted w/the OW, so I don’t obsess over her looks, she is a former stripper, and has a sordid past, plus has an addiction to alcohol… My Opinion: although she spends allot of time getting herself all dolled up, she is a shell of a person, with lots of needy desires…. So at best, she lacks empathy, self esteem and is very selfish. After he ended the affair, she was threatening to tell me about his affair with her (which lasted 1 month) by sending me a message on facebook…
      So when I found this out I immediately put a block on her… but she had a friend send me a message which really was a great hint to her character. So I don’t obsess about her, I really obsess about is if he chose to be with her, with someone so shallow then he needs to get himself straightened out. Although he has stated he doesn’t want to hurt me ever again, and he’s so sorry… He never meant for it to happen, it just did….I still insist on counseling, because I need to know why… and why he chose someone like her…. Yuck.

      btw, I confronted him after the OW told my niece, who told my daughter, who then told me… So just about everyone in the “Family” now knows. The part that bothers me is that the OW told some lies to my niece about the affair, how it happened and how long it lasted, so even though I have proof of the calls the lunches and where it took place… there are allot of half truths that were still being disclosed… At that point I told my neice and my daughter that I love them but this is my personal business that I will handle, and not to discuss me or any thing else with the OW.
      I can honestly say, the counseling has helped me put allot of my fears in perspective… but I do want to thank Linda and Doug for this open forum to read about everyones take on these discussions… very helpful….

    • Kathy

      Linda, thank you so much for today’s post! I have done google searches for her, found her picture online, stared at it. Seriously thought about copying and enlarging her picture and printing it out, then using it for my archery target practice! I already knew what she looked like as I’d seen/met her at some of H’s company functions. She is SO not his “type”, so why this ever even happened with her is a puzzle to me.

      I’ve done the mapquest thing and thought about driving by, but would not give her the satisfaction (even though she’d probably never know). However, SHE has driven by our house on more than one occasion, and once after we’d moved and my H hadn’t even told her where we lived. Crazy bitch has access to our info because of the kind of work she does, so she had to have looked it up.

      For a little while I was afraid to go to his place of business because I was afraid I’d see her, but then I decided I had every right to stop by and see MY husband, so I did! I’ve only seen her once there (after the EA and d-day). I was sitting in my car waiting for my H and she happened to be coming back from lunch. I didn’t mean to, but I kind of laughed when I saw her and she just glared at me. That felt good. I hope she’s miserable.

    • Lori

      Linda and all – I too kept a spreadsheet, which he recently “blasted” me by yelling at me for keeping. I know it’s not normal, but glad to hear that I’m not alone. I kept mine to keep track of all the ways he did me wrong; not only with her, but the other AP he had with his relationship before me. I did it for my own sanity… I thought if I saw it all down on paper in black and white, all in grids with descriptions of what he did, it would help me move on. It didn’t work. I also obsessed about her on her social networking sites, and in my case, she prides herself on being a top guru in the social media world so she is very vocal. In fact, I see her flirting (professionally, but still flirting) to all these other men and it just makes me sick. She thinks she’s all that and more. My boyfriend had NC with her for 2 years and at the time he admitted to me that they did have an EA and that he had a stupid crush on her, but now he knows his boundaries. He thinks she’s all that and more, and IMHO, she’s on a pedestal and he drops everything for her. He now talks like her and suddenly is an ‘expert’ on all the social media apps to use and it just makes me sicker. She is so manipulative to all men, but they all love and adore her and think she’s genuine and sincere. Two years ago I read their emails and Instant Messages to each other and she is not as innocent as she appears, at least not from what I read. She needs male admiration, and the more she gets, the more she gives out. I can totally see why my man is in the fog. He thinks they are BFFs (seriously, what man at 42 uses that term?). She uses that terms with all these other men too. I feel like a pathetic loser that I have snooped on her to find out more information on her. I love this site because it gives me the support I still need to survive. My relationship didn’t make it, and we broke up 7 months ago. His relationship with this woman is stronger than ever, I see that everyone who works for her is now friends with him. He has given up me and our relationship. He’ll tell you he isn’t in an EA and that their just friends…… I tried getting him to read this site so he can understand my feelings, and the depth of my pain, but he wouldn’t. He wanted me to accept her and him as friends and just move on with our lives. Well, I couldn’t do that. The sad thing is that he has 2 girls who I was practically a stepmother to who I love more than anything. He won’t let me see them anymore and I’m devastated. He’s made me feel insecure and jealous and that I’ll never be able to find real love – and I am strong, successful and cute to boot! Doug and Linda, maybe you should be matchmakers to all those whose partners cheated and left so we can find others who get it and want deep meaningful relationships without any emotional cheating? Anyway, as I always say in my comments – THANK YOU, this site does help me!!

    • Robin

      Linda and Liz – I too had to laugh because the two of you have covered most of my activities. It has been almost 1 1/2 years since my husband confessed to a month long emotional affair with a girlfriend from 9th grade that he reconnected with on Facebook. I was immediately obsessed with learning everything I could about her, and I have only stopped looking at her Facebook daily in the last two months. My husband described her as a beautiful, sweet Christian woman who teaches 4th grade and is loving and giving to everyone around her who had had a very difficult life and had loved him since she was fourteen. She contacted him after seeing a picture of him on a mutual friend’s Facebook, and told him that she understood that he was married, but that she had been searching for him for years, and she just had to tell him how much she had always loved him, that the memory of his love had helped her survive the hard times in her life, that she really felt like he was her soul mate, and that she wished he had been her first sexual experience since everything in her life would have been better. He said that he had been caught up in the rush of emotion and attraction, and chatted on Facebook and then talked on the phone and emailed, and that when they got to the point of talking about meeting, they both realized they were doing something wrong and she started trying to help him figure out how to “reconnect” with me. How does a loving, sweet, very religious woman, interested in helping a man save his marriage, say all of those things?

      I think most of us are obsessed by the OP, at least initially, because nothing in our world makes sense anymore, and the one person who could help us make sense of it won’t. My husband broke off contact immediately, and although she continued to try to contact him (messages, emails, posts on friends’ Facebooks), he told me immediately. He was adamant that he loved me, wanted to work on our marriage and made efforts to be more romantic and engaged, but he was not willing to talk about the affair or what had happened other than the original confession and his behavior was erratic. Wildly loving one minute and withdrawn the next…and then a couple of weeks later, I paid the cell phone bill and saw the number of calls and texts exchanged in the month of the affair and freaked out. Once I really looked at the calls, I also saw a pattern – before and after work, and towards the end – calls that were obviously fights calls and hangups and callbacks. Also, the original calls didn’t fit the story he told me, and yes I did match them up with events on my dayplanner. At the same time I had been looking at her Facebook and and realized that she had a lot of posts to my husband’s wall and OVER 80 comments on pictures of him (Yes, I counted!!) – and most of them were inappropriate. Again – what kind of sweet religious woman does this kind of thing?

      So – I dissected her Facebook page, looked at her friends, looked at her church’s website, searched the internet, and learned more about her than I know about some of my friends! I constructed a timeline of events and plugged the calls and info from her Facebook and Twitter pages into it. At the end I realized several important things: 1) She is not the type of person that I would even want to know, let alone want to emulate, and if my husband really was attracted to her, then I don’t really know him. 2) More importantly, I think that obsessing and digging and and reading and attempting to put things together gave me something to do – I might have gone crazy otherwise. 3) Unfortunately, after 5 months of this, I realized that I did not have the whole story and had a serious sitdown with my husband – which led to confession # 2, and then 3,4,5 etc.

      It has taken most of the last year to get the whole story – short version: A week of Facebook chats, including a steamy description of their first kiss messaged to him with a wish that he had been her first “everything”, followed by the offer of her phone number,and then a phone call when he arrived at a conference that turned into lurid phone sex. He then skipped the conference and drove 6 hours to spend the weekend with her for mad passionate sex with a a beautiful sexually experienced woman. By the end of the weekend, he realized that she was either not madly passionate or not that sexually experienced, and that she now expected for them to be together forever….and that what he wanted was to run home. His conclusion – they were actually soul mates, but he still loved me…after much confusion, he made a second visit to “break up with her in person and to make sure that he was not making a mistake”, and then came home to tell me.

      Honestly, if I had not pushed, fact checked, and eventually started trusting my own instincts, I do not know that he would ever have told me the whole truth – or even faced it himself…I know we would have never have healed because the lies would have continued to fester!! So, we are actually closer and happier than we were for several years before the affair, I am not bothered by triggers often, and having info about her popping up on a friend’s Facebook etc doesn’t bother me anymore. I actually have more trouble with the lies than with her. I have actually no regrets about the obsessing and investigating – it gave me a focus when I desperately needed one and it led me to the truth.

      • blueskyabove


        I love your last paragraph. Especially the part about learning to trust your instincts. I think that is a major part of the healing process and if it takes certain actions on our part as a BS to get there then so be it.

      • anaffairtoremember

        We have so much in common! My husband’s affair was with a former high school flame who “reconnected” with him on Facebook. For as good as Facebook can be for keeping in touch with friends and family, it sure has wrecked alot of marriages. It’s easy for people to hide behind their emails and messages until they know whether or not their scheme is going to work. And once they know they’ve got them, its a full blown affair. Anyway, the OW in my case was also a teacher and everyone thought this woman was such a good person. What struck me most about your comment was: ” 1) She is not the type of person that I would even want to know, let alone want to emulate, and if my husband really was attracted to her, then I don’t really know him.” That is spot on to how I feel! I think this woman was a toad. I’ve never compared myself to her and never will. The fact that she was in charge of the mind’s of small children scares the hell out of me. This woman was a very psychotic, manipulative person searching for her next victim and it pisses me off that my husband could not see something so obvious. Whatever she lacked in her life she thought she would have in MY husband. And I agree that wanting to find out about the other person gives us a purpose, mostly a purpose to try to understand how this could happen. Now that I know the truth I am tired of allowing her into my thoughts and I don’t want to give her any more power in my life. I think it’s part of the healing process and I think everything we all have done is perfectly normal considering the circumstances. Like Linda, I’m still struggling with letting all thoughts and memories of her go and will probably continue to struggle with that for some time, but I’m not going to let her hold me back anymore. She’s not worth it.

      • TB

        Hi Robin- your story has connected with me in some way. My husband has also met up with his old high school girlfriend at the 15 year reunion and she has pushed ever since (she lives in another state so they call and text (and facebook I assume private messages).

        I think Lindas post is amazing- and so funny (if you are in the right frame of mind) I think it’s very important to do a timeline, though- highlight and match the calendar to see just what happened- it gives us as the hurt spouse something to have control of since we feel like our whole world has been rocked and we feel out of control. I also feel that once I riped to shreds the booklet I kept the timeline in, it set me free- when it still existed and I was able to look through it, it did not allow me to let go for myself- it kept me wrapped in the flow of the negative feelings and I needed to get into the flow of the good things that he is telling me now-

        So its only fair to yourself to BURN IT or RIP IT UP and let it go…. its like the old phone logs I found in our old tax return files- I highlighted them and matched calendar dates, etc. it felt good to do that to understand just what I was dealing with- he is not the same person you knew. I found text and calls but he said it is just chatting about friends etc. I never saw the actual text content (wondering how you did?) because he always deletes them when he returns home. I see the bill thats the only way i know they send texts and photos.

        So we are not crazy for doing what we did- our personality is to be in control and this is the way we do it and its good in myopinion- I totally agree with Linda who titled it “stupid things I did” because even though they sound nuts, we still need to do them then LET THEM GO and know they helped us grow through this experience.

        Its not over- if your husband was rocked by this and realized what he could have with her is NOTHING compared to what he has at home- I think that he will never stray again-its like a puppy at an electric gate- once they are shocked they know not to go near the gate again (weird example but you get my drift…). 🙂

    • melissa


      I’ve done it all too (apart from driving to her flat!). My old diaries are full of cryptic notes (dates of calls and emails) and I’ve cross-referenced them with all the times I was out (so he could sneak out and meet up with the OW). I’ve got a spreadsheet with all calls too, how long they lasted, where I was at the time, where he said he was etc etdc.

      I still check what she’s up to on a weekly basis, trying to find out if she’s anywhere near where my H is working (they work in the same field).

      And yes, I also see her everywhere (although that seems to be fading) and my heart stops every time.

      As to making a list of her attributes, at the beginning she was everything I was not (and miles better in any way, I felt frumpy and old and boring and no fun) but now I’ve regained a bit of self-esteem and I feel OK with who I am, thanks to your posts, which have helped me overcome these feelings of not being good enough for my H and belief that the OW was an absolute goddess I could never, ever, compare to.

    • just found out

      This is just crazy that others are doing the exact samethings I am when you think you are crazy for doing those things. Yes I have done the facebook stalking, drive by the OW house, go out to the wrk place un announced thinking I will catch them, have phone records, clock in and clock outs all hi lighted and dates hi lighted. I too was having a nighmare that kept reoccuring the same one over and over it has stopped thank God. My H EA has been over for 5 months, I didn’t truley find out until Jan. I suspected and had been searching and trying to find out things but he would just lie and deney said I was paranoid. I felt it in my heart something was wrong so I’m going to say this to always trust your instincts they are almost always right. My H EA was going on for 8 months and he hid it well very well but we had always had a good relationship and I never thought in a million years he would go to someone else NEVER!!!!! I
      I’m so thankful for Linda and Doug for sharing this with us and for everyone who post on here. Every little thing is helping someone else that is going through a very difficult time and it is just a very good place to come and read and relate to others and know your not alone!

    • Robin

      BlueSky and AffairtoRemember – I do think that trusting my own instincts and remembering who I really am and my own worth has been the hardest part of this whole process. We had been married for 28 years, and by anyone’s standards had a solid marriage, so I was completely devastated. I am 50, not glamorous, have never wanted to be “sexy” in public, and am curvier than I should be …so initially I felt fat, dowdy and unworthy of love. Finding out more about the other woman – just from Facebook – showed me that she spends a inordinate amount of time presenting a particular image and striving for the attention of men – while at the same time being exceptionally sweet or couching comments in VERY religious terms. So – she is vain AND a hypocrite. Her public persona is so well established that one of our common friends actually said, when I mentioned that some of her posts on Facebook seemed odd, “oh no, you must have misunderstood – she would never do anything that would put her wrong in the eyes of God”.

      This site really has helped me because most people – even counselors – who haven’t had this experience say the same things – thinking about the other person is counterproductive – you are just adding drama to your life….stop worrying about the details of the affair, it is over – concentrate on fixing you marriage!! Blah, blah, blah. Knowing that others are having the same issues and thoughts has really given me confidence to follow my instincts and do what is right for me. I still have work to do, but I am so much happier than I was even 3 months ago when I really thought I just couldn’t even take trying anymore that I can’t believe it. Thanks everyone!

      • Doug

        Robin, Your last paragraph is important because as we all know, being told what to do and actually doing it are two different things. Unless you’ve lived it, you don’t realize what is really involved. Thanks for contributing. Linda

        • SmokyMtnLady

          And having your HUSBAND tell you what to do…ex: “let’s move on, it’s water under the bridge, you need to get over it” is actually A LOT harder to do…considering HE”S the one who put me here in the first place!!!

    • HurtingHubby24


      Great post as always. I did so many stupid things that I couldn’t begin to count them. Sometimes I think I was more obsessed with the guy than she was! One of the dumb things I did was to find out as much junk as I could about him, so that I could tell my wife about how awful he was. (And there was a lot of bad crap – criminal history, heavy drinker, kicked out of the military, so and and so forth). But it was a total backfire. She would either use it as a reason why he needed a good woman (her) in his life, or claim that I was just trying to destroy their amazing, one-of-a-kind love. It gave her the “us against the world” mentality, and only pushed her further into his camp. She still claims that if I hadn’t ruined everything (by informing him she was married and has 3 kids), they would have gotten married and she would have had the amazing love she could never have with me. I’ll always wonder if she’d still see it this way, had I not even bothered giving him 5 seconds worth of effort.

      Anyway, I’m done with her lies and I’m divorcing her. Hate that it’s come to this, but it’s time to respect myself. She’s freaking out and telling me that, “for the first time in our marriage, she can really love and respect me because I’m finally not desperate and needy”. And she wants to see if things can work between us. Funny how after it all, she still finds a way to imply that our problems were/are really all my fault. And that now that I’m “healthy”, I am worthy of the pleasure of her company. It’s enough to make me crazy.

      • Robin

        Hurting Hubby – I am so sorry. Consider this though – your search and discovery may not have helped her wake up but it did help you really know who you were dealing with – no matter what she told you, he was not Prince Charming. He was not better and you know that. If all we know about the OP is what our CS tells us, then we can end up comparing ourselves to the fantasy…and feeling worse about ourselves. Linda has written a lot about how much pain accepting the fantasy version of the other person caused her. I don’t know – for me, I needed to know who this woman was who thought she deserved my husband more than I did.

    • kathy

      i’m so sorry that you and your children are going through this too.it is hell on earth. it makes me mad,hurt,ashamed of myself,shamed of him. He is a Baptist pastor and continues to tell me he has not crossed a line bc there was no sex. he told me that to him I was dead. I have reminded him that when you marry it is not like a job that you can just clock out when you’ve been married 30 yrs.I have arthritis very bad,so i can’t get out and go hiking with him. he loves to do outside stuff and started an outdoor ministry at church. she joined it. I ask him what was going on 3 weeks b4 i found the txt. he said they were just friends. I trusted him b4 the EA, during the EA and he lied throughout everything. my biggest fight is not to snoop anymore. I dont put any faith in his words. I just tell him that Satan sets on my shoulder every day telling me to not believe him.So he knows without me having to say I dont trust him.I try not to question him.I have finally become able to live my life not having to know if he lies or loves me. it has taken 8 months

    • thankgivingdday

      I don’t know if this would qualify as stupid stuff or just plain funny…in sick sort of way but I contacted the AP’s wife after I found out about my W’s A. Well, I mean that I attempted to. I actually left a message on their answering machine during a family party they were having the day after Thanksgiving. The entire party heard my detailed graphic message as it played out load for all to hear. They were having a family picture taken at the exact time of my message. I guess it ruined the party…imagine that.

      I don’t have a problem with my actions here as Karma’s a bitch sometimes.

      • Doug

        I would say funny! I chuckled out loud at that story. Thanks!

    • thankgivingdday

      BTW – my personal opion regarding Facebook…

      FB = Affairs. I’ve read about too many affairs that started this way.

      • anaffairtoremember

        I agree! And I loved your funny story! Karma is a bitch and it will come back to bite you in the ass! I’m ashamed at how much joy I’m getting out of that!!!!

        • blueskyabove

          To all re: karma

          I’m hesitant to bring this up, but I have considered the possibility that karma has played a part in my marriage and that maybe, just maybe, I might be experiencing karma as a result of my actions in a former life. So…I Googled karma and came up with the following:

          [kahr-muh] Show IPA
          Hinduism, Buddhism . action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti ( def. 1 ) , jnana.
          Theosophy . the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person’s deeds in the previous incarnation.
          fate; destiny.
          the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something.

          I obviously have no concrete proof of anything. I’m just trying to look at the idea of karma from another perspective. I wish I knew.

    • Jessica

      To Linda and Everyone who posted here THANK YOU! I thought I was alone in these thoughts and actions. My counselor told me to quit being a detective….. he didn’t understand. At times I thought I was on the verge on going crazy. Without this site at times I believe I would have. This site and Linda and Doug have helped me more than anything. It has been almost 9 months since DDay, and I am starting to get better. Going thru the phone bills meant knowing the truth, once I knew the truth I could better process it. I know not I have to trust my gut instinct.

      • Melvin

        My counselor told me the same thing at our first meeting – stop the detective work and forget about the EA – treat her like a queen if you want to win her back. Showing her the spreadsheet/calendar that I did made her mad but I do believe it proved that I knew her EA was not just “two friends talking” as she made it out to be. Kudos for this support group Website and the great advice I found here. This place is a great resource.

    • Trying2Heal

      I have never posted but have been observing and learning. My husband had an EA with a coworker. I have never admitted to anyone the snooping I did after I found out. My gut knew 4 days after his first secret phone call to her but I could not pinpoint what was going on till 5 months later when I discovered his work cell phone bill and at that point he had already told her he could not continue talking to her and hiding it from me ad he loved me and didn’t wasn’t to hurt me. I confirmed this is what he said to her because I immediately called her to ask why they stopped. “talking”. Since discovery day 7 months ago I have been obsessed trying to piece together what happened: checking facebook, google searches, comparing her Facebook status updates to his work cell phone records (he brought all if them home for me to see), bank records cross-referenced with both of our cell phoned and his work cell, his master work schedule cross-referencing with all of the above (she is on this schedule, too). I also cross-referenced with the emails he and I exchanged during that time. I was able to get into his work and home email accounts. I also placed a recorder in his car to determine if they were still in their EA. I still check his cell phone (secretly) to determine if he is deleting calls based on the total phone usage log (he doesn’t even know his phone tracks this). I’m ashamed I did all of this checking and will never admit it to anyone except on here. I did it because I didn’t think he would be honest with me and I needed the truth and to verify what he told me. I am in counseling and he will join me when I am ready. He recently brought home his cell phone bills from work for the past few months after I asked him to. He is trying hard to repair the damage he caused to my mental state and our marriage. I am letting him earn my trust again but it is a slow process, and I believe he thinks I trust him more than I do. I’m trying to not let his coworker trashy whore stay in my head. She was married and having problems with her husband when she sought “marital advice” from my husband and has now left her husband and is dating another coworker (I am certain this was her intention with my husband, too). The road to recovery has been, and is, a very long one. In the end, we are stronger and closer because of the difficulty of bringing this EA out and him having to bare his soul (as have I). Thank you for being here.

    • Trying2Heal

      I just re-read my post – sorry about those typos, but my phone self-corrected me. I want to also admit that I am tempted to tell the OW that his wife had been cheating on him with an EA and then she had a PA with a guy she “re-met” on Facebook (per my husband). I so much want to throw a wrench into her life….but am torn whether just to concentrate on my own marriage and leave her alone. As an aside, my husband asked her to apologize to me but she refused. I figured she wouldn’t have the decency and respect to apologize but I wanted to humiliate her 🙂

      I have gone to my husband’s place of employment and she avoids me like the spineless little weasel schemer I know she is.

    • Girasol

      I too have wasted an enormous amount of time doing all the things that Linda lists. Below are ways on how I wasted my time and energy obsessing about the OW:

      -Paid for a report on her using one of those online services. I got no satisfaction out of getting this information.

      -Creating fictitious email accounts to send her messages about how everyone knows what a tramp she is. (I did this even against my own good judgement). Then I’d wait two or three days, felt remorse, and then deleted the accounts. Never saw a response from her, which is just as well, maybe my emails ended up in junk.

      -Creating a fictitious facebook page to gain access to her page, which I did successfully. Aside from checking out the page several times, I did nothing, eventually, I deleted the account.

      -Thinking of calling her job to let everyone know there is a tramp working there. I called, but said that I dialed the wrong number.

      I learned that doing the above made me feel worse about myself than anything else. That I betrayed my own good self for someone not worth my time. That I need to be spending positive time and effort in myself.

      April 22nd will be the one year mark of the end of my husband’s EA. I don’t obssess very much anymore, but there are times when one action, facial expression, or anything small, will trigger senseless ruminating until I work myself up into a frenzy. I recover much faster now, and I see that it frustrates him when I hurt, and that gives me hope that he understands the pain he caused us.

      There’s a part of me that keeps the antenna up for any signs of the OW. I’m working on taking it down.


      • TB

        “-Thinking of calling her job to let everyone know there is a tramp working there. I called, but said that I dialed the wrong number.”

        Girasol- I think this is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time and it made me laugh out loud!!! Thanks for your honesty- I would want to do the same thing but would chicken out….

        • Girasol

          I went bed thinking that I left one really good one out:

          -Speaking to a psychic! She really worked me up, telling me that my H was in extreme danger, that she could ruin him, etc.

          I had to stop calling the psychic, she was causing me added anxiety.

          Thank you for the levity.


    • Girasol

      I’d like to add to my post earlier.

      Having spent all this time thinking about this EA has made me feel very small at times. I’m reading Ashley Judd’s memoir where she talks about her work with an NGO and with very disadvantaged women and children around the world who worry about survival, and the most basic things in life that we take for granted.

      Worrying about how our respective husbands and wives have done us wrong, really seems like a luxury.

    • Denise

      Sometimes it is scary reading these posts! I have done MANY of these things as well, and it is SO nice to know that I am not mental!! I spent HOURS going through phone logs and highlighting every text and phone call, then went back and looked at my calendar to try and figure out where and what I was doing everytime they talked. WHY??? I’m not really sure.
      It has been a little less than a year since I found out about the affair and I saw her for the first time a couple weeks ago. She had the nerve to come into MY place of employment…I came around the corner, and there she was. After she saw me, she left right away, but it was very rough seeing her. It certainly brought back A LOT of harsh memories.

    • mil

      Help Doug or anyone….I am in despair and don’t know where to post this. The weekend has again been ruined by the EA. I know they discussed the possibility of having sex and my H says it was all part of ‘the game’ and would never have happened. I begged him to tell me how graphic they got when they were talking about it and he is now not speaking to me yet again. He seems to think it’s fine to have his little secrets and said he likes me less every day as I am beating the love for me out of him.
      It makes me mad that he thinks I have no right to know what they discussed after all that he has caused.
      Doug, did you and Tanya discuss having sex and if so was it just lighthearted innuendo or serious descriptive stuff?

      • Karen Klein

        Mil: I really like you because you exhibit the same stubborn traits I have. But I think it’s sabotaging your healing. I can tell you’ve read lots of stuff about EA’s and the differences between CS’s and BS’s and men and women and how they process stuff. Not every situation is the same, of course, but since you asked for advice, mine is to back off. Work on yourself only right now. Put all your angry thoughts and questions in a jar or box and store them away for now. If you cannot be respectful toward your H, then walk away and go get a grip on yourself till you can. As you heal, you will slowly being to recognize the times when your H is open to talking, and you can get answers or share one or at the most two things from your jar at one time. YES, IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS AND SO UNFAIR TO THE BS!!!! But I am living it — okay, some days better than others – and it does work. To be as blunt as you, Mil, the only other choice you have is to get out of your marriage for good. Getting Doug’s remembrance of his conversations, in my view, does nothing to help your healing as it is likely to not even be close to your H’s EA experience. Whatever you decide, either get out of the marriage or start working only on yourself – otherwise, you’re on the path to driving your H away for good on into another affair.

    • Ifeelsodumb!

      Thank you all for your honesty…I’m another “dumb” wife who would never believe that her husband would do this to her…married 25 yrs in Dec, thought he was my “best friend”…and he was having an EA since the end of Sept. with an old GF he ran into her on a weekend trip home for a family wedding…I couldn’t go, lack of funds…but I cleaned a friends house so he could go…and the thanks I get is a broken heart that I have trouble believing will ever be healed…and after reading that it is 2-3 yrs down the road for some of you and you are STILL having moments of pain and trigger moments, well….that really sucks for us, doesn’t it?

      He wants me to believe that it was just”conversation”…
      catching up on the past…HA!! The 1st month alone they exchanged over 1,400 text messages and 400 pics!!
      So now here I sit, trying to not let my imagination get away from me….he hasn’t had any contact since the day I found out…I THINK!! I check the cell phone and house phone records…I even check my kids cell ph. records to make sure he doesn’t use their phones…pretty sad, isn’t it?
      But yes, this is what he has reduced me to..a distrustful, sneaking around woman…but hey, I guess we should keep it all in the family, right? Since he started lying and sneaking around first!!

      He has said he IS sorry and will NEVER do it again, but he can’t OR won’t explain how he got to the point of doing this to me…what was he looking for? And I want to believe him…but he told soooo many lies over a 3 month period…he even lied to the OW and trashed me to her…and she then trashed me to my H’s cousin….who happens to be her best friend…so can I truly trust him ever again?
      Sigh….it’s just so hard to know…some days I want to take my kids and leave…but I do love him…and before this happened, I considered him my best friend….so that’s what I’m dealing with…my “best friend” betrayed me, ruined my reputation in the process, but tells me how much he loves me! Heck, he even told me he loved me every day…while texting her 70-80 times a day!!
      It will be 14 weeks tomorrow since he “confessed”…after 2 days of trying to cover his sorry butt, and I still feel the pain as if it were yesterday…I’m thankful for this site, because I never knew about the triggers…that’s what has been happening to me…every time I hear his cell go off when he gets a text…it comes crashing back down on me…I hate his cell phone!! LOL!! Isn’t that stupid to hate a small, little object like that ?
      I can’t talk to anyone about this….I feel humiliated enough, don’t want my friends knowing….they all think we have the “perfect” marriage….my H IS a super nice guy…and that’s what hurts the most, I think…he IS so nice, and sweet to me….so I just can’t understand why?
      And until I get the answer, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok….we have 4 wonderful kids…they mean the world to us…so again…WHY??? Why ruin every thing we had going? I told him today after reading this blog….we have a LONG, painful road ahead of us…all because he made a stupid decision when his cousin asked if his ex could text him…If he had just said “No”…I wouldn’t be writing this with tears streaming down my face :'(
      So I lost the trust I had in my H…and also was stabbed in the back by his cousin…who helped set this all up! And his OTHER cousin found out and warned him…but didn’t feel it was her place to tell me…no, just sit back and watch a train wreck coming and do nothing to stop it!!
      Thanks for letting me vent….

      • Kathy

        Ifeelsodumb – I hate my H’s cellphone too! I hate one ring tone he has in particular; it was for his incoming texts, and it still makes me cringe if I hear it (even though he has since changed it).

    • mil

      Karen, thanks for taking the time to give me the benefit of your thoughts. I SHOULD have walked away at the start but am too frightened to lose what I’ve got and am clinging on. I am a VERY sad, depressed person.

      • Girasol

        I agree with Karen. If he has gotten to the point of such deceit, what else is he capable of? And, think, what would you gain if you could afford to hire a private detective? except lose yourself in the process. He is obviously not a man of integrity, not worth that kind of time and attention.

        It’s time for you to start thinking about yourself because you are the one who is worth your own time and attention. It’s hard, it’s painful, it’s easier said than done.

        Good luck to you, God bless you.


    • mil

      Haha your name would suit me. Be very wary. My H convinced me all the texting etc had stopped and willingly showed me his monthly phone bills.
      The girl who does my facial warned me not to believe everything he said but I confidently told her we were so back in love that I’d put all my savings on the fact he was telling the truth.
      7 months later he tripped himself up again by forwarding a sexy joke from his real phone to a secret payphone he’d bought especially to keep in contact with HER. He then forwarded it to her number. When I rang the secret phone he was devastated that I’d found out about his ‘new’ sordid little secret.
      If you can afford it I would get a private detective to find out once and for all. I so wish I had and what annoys me even more is that the top up card was in his wallet all that time but I was so convinced it had all stopped that I never even snooped it out, thus giving them 7 more months of contact (which he says was then all innocent but they had to keep in confidential contact as he was sorting out her practice as her boss was off with a nervous breakdown and drugs and suicide attempt, which I do actually know to be true).
      The other odd thing is why, when I’d already discovered 3 sets of texts on his real phone and that didn’t make him stop, did the final discovery make him end it and they’ve had no contact since. Or have they?? Perhaps I should take my own advice and get a private detective to monitor the rest of his life!!

    • Melvin

      Hi Linda,
      I love this list. I’m still not sure why, but I was able to restrain myself from committing many of the stupid things your list. I didn’t spend much time thinking, fretting or focusing on the OP. I knew enough about him before the EA and I knew the type of “Player” he was. I do recall stupidly coding out a text that I going to send him, telling him off and to stay away. Fortunately, my cooler side prevailed and I never sent it. I do understand how some of these stupid activities can happen, especially if the OP is someone unfamiliar.

      But yeah, I did the spreadsheet/calendar of texts and cell calls. I even added text on the calendar when I went “the extra mile” on something she desired while she was flirting with him. I needed to gather this info before it was deleted online and to determine the depth of her EA. The spreadsheet did show how the EA accelerated in a matter of months and that DW stopped it once only to restart again. An obsession was clear and she initiated most of the contact with him after their second face-to-face meeting. This info came in handy when she claimed he was the pursuer.

    • Tiffany

      I thought it was just an emotional affair and I thought it was over. I just found out tonight that it is in fact a physical affair as well and is still going on. Not sure what to do at this point. I am not even crying. I don’t feel like I can. I have spent so many tears the last few months. We had been in counseling the last month and thought things seemed indescribably better. Guess I was fooling myself. He is at work right now. I called him when I found the emails. What do I do?

    • mil

      Tiffany, you poor, poor love. How was he stupid enough to let you find the emails after you already knew he was having some sort of affair. Are you sure they are proof, what sort of things did they say? I’ve ‘only’ suffered an EA (as far as I know anyway) and have often asked myself what I would do if I found it was a PA. The pain from the EA is so bad, i can’t imagine it being any worse but I bet you’re now thinking you would so settle for it to be an EA ‘only’?
      As I’ve said in previous posts I think women in our situation would be wise to employ a private detective especially when their husband is trying to convince them it’s over!

    • Jessica

      Maybe you are right about the private detective
      I hope you are okay

    • Morrigan

      Wow, just catching up on threads,

      ifeelsodumb – PLEASE do not let your imagination of what happened get away from you!

      This weekend was a HUGE hurdle jumped for me, it started with a massive fight, ending a 14 year relationship! Only to have him stay to work thing out as of Sunday night. Why? Because my insecurities and his inability to talk. Well, I feel so much better now because I realized so many things after this weekend and our blow up.

      I think TOO much and was making thing up in my own head about “them” – don’t assume anything!

      He is hurting very badly, his guilt and inability to talk makes him resort to anger and turning on his “shut off valve”. I had no idea he was hurting as badly as he was. It doesn’t make me feel good, made me actually ache to help him. That ache made me realize I loved him again.

      He finally told me that it didn’t last with her because he realized she was not the person she portrayed herself to be initially, there fling lasted about 6 weeks.

      I also found out that some of the recommendations given by therapists etc concerning what the unfaithful should do, and some things that the offended spouse should do, DO NOT HOLD TRUE FOR EVERY RELATIONSHIP. I was hurting mine more by implementing some techniques.

      So, please, listen to your instincts, no one else knows your relationship, or your spouse to know how to work with them effectively all the time. And don’t think too much about the past, if they are there with you now, try and think about your future more with them rather then dwell on something you can’t change, only learn from.

      The pain will subside.

    • Saddenned

      This is a funny blog in the fact that obsessively checking the call details is what I did. I told him that I did it… It is funny what you think you will accomplish by looking at this stuff. Thank God I cannot see a text log… I think the pain would be worse.

    • Robin

      OK – when I posted my stupid list above (and my defense of the stupid things I did), I did not confess my most stupid action…

      After I insisted that my husband tell me the whole truth or go, he finally told me that there had been a second visit to see the OP – after insisting for 5 months that it was only online and the phone and then insisting for another 5 months that physical contact had involved only 1 several hour visit. We immediately went to a birthday dinner at our next door neighbor’s because it was too late to get out of it without a fuss. I managed to pull myself together enough to behave almost normally, waiting to get home and follow up – and the minute we got home, he announced he was exhausted and WENT TO BED…at 8:00. I was in no condition TO SLEEP – and I guess I was in shock because I wasn’t even crying….but somewhere around 1:00 a.m. I actually friended the OW on Facebook -no, really, I did.

      By the next morning, I had somewhat regained my sanity, and was able to pull it together enough to have a meaningful conversation with my husband…and then opened my email to find that the OW had accepted my request (?!!!?). Not only that, she sent me a lovely message saying how glad she was that we were going to be friends, that she knew I was a good woman etc. OK, at that point tragedy became farce and I actually laughed until I cried.

      My counselor thought briefly that I needed medicine, and my best friend put me on internet restriction – no usage after 9:00… I was obviously not thinking clearly but I think I thought I was going to ask her for the actual truth….

    • Donna

      I could have written so many of the above replies.. so sad really. I still to this day stalk facebook, somedays I am good, other days I am obsessive about it waiting for her to put something up there so I can catch them out in a lie. I never have though.

      I feel terrible about this, and I don’t admit this easily, however I have hoped that the ow was dead, or better still would die. In all honesty I don’t really mean it, but have had the thought also along with hiring a hit man… never would but again… a fleeting thought. I am so terrible to have thought htese things that normally I NEVER would have thought before in my life. I am a Christian woman, yet these are not Christian thoughts.. so wrong of me.

      This Sunday I found out what I was looking for in Facebook… she has a boyfriend. She put it out there in black and white. I REALLY believe my husband is not in contact with her any more and has been like that for some time.

      We had a moment on Sunday just gone where he went up North, only a half hour from her home town to drive a v8 sports moto car with a pro driver. The week before I asked if I could go and he said he was thinking about going it alone. He could feel my dissapointment etc… however I chose to not pursue the conversation and let it be. Yes, I worried about ow being there and that was why he did not want me or the kids there.

      Sunday morning came and we were laying in bed and I asked him if he was excited about his day. He said no, kind of, yes, I should be for what it is. I asked why? and he started to cry. He said he has been stressing for the last 2 months thinking it was a open public race day and he was stressed she would be there and he would bump into her. I ask if he wanted it that way and he said no. He said that the reason he wanted to be alone is not because he didn’t want me there, he said that he just needs alone time every so often. I told him that he needs to say that but he said he feels he can’t. SO I will now be more consious of that.

      He said that he has changed his thoughts and feelings alot over the last few months, as to what I do not know. I let the conversation at that as that is the most open he has been with me in the last 5 months. We have opened the can, I just want to do it slowly so we both have time to process things.

      My struggle… HOw can a man and ow express such love and devotion to each other and yet my husband reamins with me and children and now the ow has a boyfriend and has had for a while now. How does that happen??? And weirder still, the ow’s ex husband by 1 month is now engaged to another woman. How does that happen. I must be strange because even if my husband did go, there is no way I could be seeing someone let alone be engaged. HOw does one just get over a marriage of 8 years? Please.. someone explain to my niave brain.

      On the whole, I think my husband and I are going tobe okay.. let me rephrase that.. I KNOW my husband and i will be ok… especially with time and my love and patience to be his rock. He is so worth this battle.

    • kristine

      Wow, I have done a lot of the same things everyone here has described. I wouldn’t say I was obsessed with her looks because I honestly thought/think i look better lol but I was obsessed with how does someone willingly get involved with someone that causes so much destruction and pain to others? That is what I obsessed over, trying to figure out WHO this person was and WHAT happened in their life to get them to that point. She was so blatant about it, openly calling my husband her MAN even when he was still at home, talking to others about him like he was single and free for the labeling. That was mind boggling! I also had to hear from my husband in his affair fog about how “WONDERFUL” this person was. It’s a year this month since we’ve reconciled after a 10 week separation and he just told me this week he now sees how she wasn’t so wonderful and how he sees the manipulation and the deceit on her part. WELL THANK YOU FOR NOTICING! 😉

      • annette

        I too was surprised when I saw that I am not the only one who did all these things. Its nice to know i am not alone. I followed my gut and found out through his emails. It has been 2 years since dday. When i found out the affair had long ended, they had been communicating, had a 3 month affair and then became friends, the emotional affair, which was another 8 months. He had become close to her children (we have none).This went on until I found out. After I found out they still kept in touch without my knowledge. He stopped disappearing, but was still sneaky with his phone. Conveniently a dead battery,etc when we were together. I caught him on this and was ready to end it all. We worked it out and I actually gave him a chance to say goodbye to the kids. He said he had guilt for what he had done to me, as well as the kids. So, fast forward. They have had no communication in 1 year. I still obsess over her FB and photos. I still have the copies of emails and phone logs. I actually found a discrepancy in one of the dates and his story because of photos. Now I want to confront him on this little detail which i know he lied about. I am sooo tired of worrying about her and trying to catch him in another lie . Logically,I know that infidelity and lies go hand in hand, but emotionally its hard to handle.How do I stop caring so much about the past.We have made changes for the better in our relationship and I dont want to destroy it.

    • Jessica

      I am struggling with the same issues today, tomorrow is one year D Day, I thought I would be further along in my recovery. I want to look at old phone bills, facebook, bank statements and have really struggled not to. So much has proved but I just can’t stop thinking about it and her

    • Maureen

      Yeah I can relate to much of what you said. It’s almost like putting our hands on a hot stove and thinking we’re going to feel better. Mostly I’m past it but reading your post brings it all back. 🙂 I can smile now though.

    • Becky

      Ummm….I haven’t done the mapquest and drive-by, but yeah. Pretty much EVERYTHING else I’ve done….not QUITE color-coded, but you know what I mean. My hurt is fairly new… I found out (for sure) on July 21st that my husband of 28 years was having an emotional affair. The very night I found out, he was, at first, talking about the possibility of leaving. After a couple of hours of screaming, crying (both of us), and talking, he decided to shut down his “other” email (which I knew nothing about until that night), closed down his facebook, and quit his job the next day….THAT was scary, and it’s been financially BRUTAL, but necessary. I have scanned his phone records almost weekly ever since, and monitor the computer as well. Somebody STOP ME!!!! I’m driving myself nuts! SO hope I can get to where you are Linda! Thanks for the post.

      • ifeelsodumb

        Becky…it’s been 10 months for me and I’m STILL checking his cell phone records AND scanning the computer!! I don’t think I’ll EVER be naive enough to totally trust him again!! I gave him my complete trust and he threw it back in my face! Things are good around my house as long as I don’t bring up the EA…if I do, then he clams up and I see the wall go up…he wants to act like it never happened and until he starts opening up and talking to me about it…I really don’t see how we can have 100% closure…my advice to you…stay on top of the CP records and the computer!

        • Becky

          EXACTLY! We’ve “gotten along” pretty well for the past couple of weeks until I brought up finding this website to him yesterday. This morning I asked a few questions that he answered for a little while and then he completely clammed up and has given me the cold shoulder all day long! He actually said “I want to forget that ever happened.” Well, good for him, but what about me?!? I can’t simply forget something like this. UGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

    • ifeelsodumb

      Becky, When was your D-Day? Mine was Jan 1st if you can believe that! HAPPY NEW YEAR to me!! Ugghhh!!! He actually FINALLY confessed on the 3rd….but I KNEW on the 1st…I just was to afraid to ask him if all the phone calls and text mess. were to HER…he lied to me for 2 days telling me it was a family member…but I knew!! So anyway, we have decided to set aside every Friday to read this blog and talk about what we’ve read…any questions I have he’ll try to answer…but you know, honestly, I really don’t care about what happened during the EA…it’s not like I can change it, right?
      I’m more concerned about the here and now….how he STILL won’t open up to me and how when he KNOWS I’m hurting, he doesn’t come to me, wrap his arms around me and tell me he is ALWAYS going to be here, that I have nothing to worry about! I know all about how HE is feeling during this…ashamed, embarrassed, etc…well, too bad!! I’ve had 10 mos of hell because of him…so welcome to my world, big boy!!! He brought it into our marriage, grow up and deal with it!!
      What makes me angry, yea, I’m STILL angry if you can’t tell…what really pisses me off is that he talked with HER and shared “so called” problems in our marriage…yet he won’t talk to me? Yea, that makes me feel better…NOT!!
      Can you believe that after he went to bed, I’d be downstairs watching TV, on the laptop, etc….and he’d be texting her complaining cuz I was downstairs and not up there with him…but he NEVER told me that that bothered him…never!! And here I was thinking I was being nice because he has to get up early for work and since I didn’t want to disturb him, I would come up stairs, kiss him goodnight, then close the door…yet when I closed the door, HE was having a texting marathon complaining about me…and the bimbo would actually tell him she felt sorry for him, and I shouldn’t treat him this way…blah, blah, blah!! Funny thing is, when he told me about this…I looked at him and asked…Sooooo…where was HER husband when she was busy texting YOU!!! Uhhhhh….upstairs in bed…because HE always went to bed early!!
      The look on his face was priceless!! LOL!! What he was complaining about ME doing, SHE was doing to HER husband!!! It’s funny but sad at the same time….the EA fog was so “thick” my intelligent, educated H couldn’t even see the forest for the trees!!!
      Hang in there, Becky…you CAN make it!! It’s been 10 months but I’m hoping that I’m really going to see a change in him now….I told him this weekend that I wanted him to leave for a couple days, make up a business trip and just go to a local hotel so our young son doesn’t worry…he’s aware that there are some problems…and I can tell he’s watching us, which breaks my heart because this affects their security as much as it does mine…and I think that my telling him to leave for a couple days scared my H because he’s the one who made the “Let’s Talk on Friday’s” deal…so we shall see if there IS a change…he’s been telling me for months that he is changing, that he knows what to do…but sadly, I see very little change…sorry for the long post but I have NO ONE to talk to!! I love my H and have kept this quiet…my best friend and sister know…but they have their own problems so we don’t really discuss it…

      • Becky

        “D-Day”? As in discovery? For sure, late night July 21st after he got home from work. He worked the late shift at a factory and wouldn’t get home till almost midnight. His EA only lasted a couple of months, but it may as well have been a couple of years. He always got on the computer right after he got home and I would usually sit and talk with him while he checked his email and facebook. He would chat with this person from work, and if I asked questions, he was always a little defensive and acted like I was paranoid or something for asking questions. Well, if he was on for a while and didn’t seem to want to talk, then I’d go in the other room and leave him to it. On the 21st/22nd I walked in without him realizing, and he had both the facebook chat (for my benefit) and an email window up and I happened to see a couple of lines he had written. 🙁 I felt like I had been punched in the gut!
        Realistically, we ARE getting through this and he answers MOST of my questions, but still, like you, does not comfort me when he knows I’m upset…because he knows WHY I’m upset and doesn’t want to talk about it. We are getting better though, and I have no problem at all for you to write me on here. Thanks for caring. I DO love this site and hope he will read it with me soon.

    • ifeelsodumb

      Thx Becky…we CAN get through this with time…it’s just this in between time that’s soooo difficult! A good book that we have read, yes, he DID read a book for me 🙂 is Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs.. .it’s a really great, great book and HAS helped us a lot…it’s helped me understand how he thinks…I think if we hadn’t read the book we’d be in worse shape than we are now…not that things are horrible…just that after 10 mos. I’d hoped we would be farther along…sigh…I’m still angry deep inside, because he can’t give me an answer of WHY!!! The OW doesn’t even live near us…thank goodness….and she is soooo not his type…I have to forgive him and that’s proving to be really difficult…and then I get all upset because generally I’m a very forgiving person, so I see how this has changed me and I don’t like it!! UGGHHH!!!
      We did talk more this weekend and we are both on the same page about wanting to make a success of our marriage, and he now knows that I’m not going to do all the work myself anymore! If he wants us to get past this, HE has to step up to the plate and do HIS part!
      On a side note, what stupid thing have I done since D-day? LOL!!! A LOT!!! But the one thing I have done for myself is I finaly dropped those last 20lbs I wanted to drop…not to difficult when your heart is broken, right?
      But anyway, I joined a gym and I have to say, I’m looking pretty darn good! And he HAS noticed!!! He tells me all the time how great I look…and I think he now realizes that I COULD if I wanted to, find a little fun myself!! He’s asked me to not go to the gym by myself so I don’t, he now goes with me! LOL!! Gives us more together time…AND let’s him see that other guys ARE noticing me 😀 It’s a win win for me!! LOL!!! Please check out the loveandrespect.com website.

      • Becky

        Congrats on the 20lbs. AND on him going with you to the gym! I started going to the Y about 2 weeks before D day and am feeling really good. Now to get him to read ANYthing with me! He would seriously be completely happy if I just acted as if nothing happened, and focus on each other instead. :/ I will definitely check out the website and the book. Thanks for the info!

    • ifeelsodumb

      Yea, I think it’s a guy thing, Becky…just avoid ANYTHING that makes them uncomfortable…unfortunately for them….their “little bit of fun” has made us VERY uncomfortable…and now they have to deal with it!! Since our blow up several days ago, when I told him I’m tired of working on this all alone…he has made an effort to talk with me, when I want to! I told him that I’m tired of the tears on my part and the silence on his…that I want us to talk and work on things together calmly…and so far we have. Looking forward to later today, when we are setting aside time for us to talk and read this blog!! 🙂

      • Becky

        I wish my husband would read this blog with me….or do ANYTHING that seems like he wants to work through, not around this thing that happened. Every time anything is brought up, he gets super frustrated and then I seem like the bad guy for bringing it up again. Ugh!!! Good luck tonight. I envy you being as far as you are in your recovery. 🙂

        • ifeelsodumb

          So sorry he is treating you that way!! But just remember, it’s only been 3 mos since D-day for you…it’s been 10 for us! And we are just now having “good” talks…. Yes, he opened up A LITTLE in the first few months…but he still was lying to me all along!! It’s really weird, but when I got “the feeling” that something was wrong, on Jan 1st, based on a FB posting I saw…well, I went on his CP records and saw phone calls and text messages for the month of Dec….and I have to admit, I lost it! My mother was staying with us, and I remember going upstairs, hitting him on the arm, saying ” the garage, NOW, we have to talk!! LOL…and that’s where we had our first conversation about this…the garage!!
          Anyway, do you know that after he finally confessed that he was talking to and texting the OW, an old FAT GF. ….hehehe…I just HAD to throw that in there!!!….I never thought to go back to check the CP records until Feb, for the months preceding Dec!!! And then I only looked at text records…NOT actual phone calls!!! He had told me that they had just text back and forth a few times…that’s how much I trusted him…I believed him!! And then the next month, March, we went away for a romantic weekend, we sat on the bed holding hands, facing each other and I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me about the EA, that we could talk about it and put it behind us…he said No, that I knew it all…which of course was a LIE since later that month, I then found out about the over 3000 pics that they had exchanged…his excuse…he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already had, and was afraid of losing me!! Stupid, stupid man!!
          And then of course, there was the month of April….I was still having that feeling that he hadn’t told me the truth….but I didn’t go back to his CP records to snoop…I don’t know why I didn’t…maybe I was still so shocked that I knew deep down inside I couldn’t handle anymore? Who knows? Anyway, I was picking up the bedroom, and I moved some stuff on his desk and a page from his CP records from Oct 2010 was laying there…I picked it up, glanced at it and couldn’t believe what I was seeing…hours upon hours of phone conversations!! He had told me in Jan. that they had talked “a few times”….what he “forgot” to tell me was that it was a few times a day!!!! I was furious!!!!! When he came home, I told him he was a freaking liar and I wanted him OUT of my home!! Again, he gave the same excuse…didn’t want to hurt me anymore, was afraid of losing me…blah, blah, blah!!!
          And that is the night our 3 boys found out the truth! They thought I was upset for the last 4 months because of some family issues within my H’s family…I really didn’t want them to know…but when it’s 2:30 in the morning, I’m crying and upset and BEGGING my H to talk to me and he told me that I was acting ridiculous and needed to let him sleep, well, I LOST it!! ME ridiculous when he had been lying to me for months??
          So anyway, I tell you all this so that you can see that, yes, we ARE talking more now….but it’s been a LOOOONNGGG painful 10 mos. for us to even get here.
          Just be patient, but also tell your H that you ARE NOT doing this alone anymore!! IF he truly loves you the way he says he does…..then he needs to do more to help you heal!! It’s VERY unfair to bring the EA into YOUR marriage, then expect to just act like it never happen!!!
          I told my husband, what if I was in the car with you, and you were texting while driving, we got into an accident and I was paralyzed….would you then be able to act like it never happened? No, every time he saw me in the wheelchair, he would be forced to remember that HIS carelessness did that to me…he can’t see my heart, but he has to remember, it IS broken…and HE did it!! So the least he can do is help me repair it…Hope this helps!!

          • Alecia

            I LOVE your car accident analogy. I hope you don’t mind but I’d like to borrow it for our marriage site. I especially liked the reminder that even though they can’t see our hearts they need to remember that it IS broken. And, it is their job to roll their sleeves up, get in the trenches and do the hard work of repairing what they broke.

            • ifeelsodumb

              Use it anyway you want to, Alecia!! If it helps just CS to understand how deeply this hurts… then that will be a good thing!!

            • Alecia

              I did! Thank you! We posted a short blog about this concept today at our site http://www.marriagelifeministries.org. What you are going through is what many of us have gone through. Your story, parts that I’ve read, is so similar to mine. I’m a little over two years out from D day and my husband also chose to recontact his OW after about a year of recovery. Needless to say it brought us back to the beginning of recovery and escalated my fears. I think it was harder to deal with the reconnection then it was to deal with the first confession. I will keep you in my prayers. It’s good to connect with others on here who know what we’re going through!

          • Melvin


            Wow, I did not realize that there was so much mis-information and cover-up. That explains the deep and lingering hurt you must have.

            At first, DW did not think she did anything wrong – “We were just having a conversation” she said. Then I dug deeper and discovered clandestine meetings with him, and a kiss after one secret breakfast. I caught one of her last texts espressing a secret love and desire for him. After all, they were enganged for over a year and just 4 months from the alter before he dumped her for her roomate (who he was sleeping with prior to their breakup). Yep, a real creep. So to get her to understand her actions, I found this 10-point checklist to see if you are having an EA and I filled it out in private then had her do it. The same 8 out of 10 items I checked she did also. The other two points would have been checked if they had lived closer (more secret meetings). Fortunately, I found out in time because this EA was heading towards a PA.


            I posted on another thread a small book entitled “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: a Compact Manual for the Unfaithful” by Linda J. MacDonald. It really help my DW (the CS) open up and realize her place in my healing. The book is a manual and is an easy read. Right to the point. I read it cover-to-cover first, highlighted a few sentences that were of importance to me and had her read it.

            Can’t take credit for finding the manual – another participant here did.

            • ifeelsodumb

              Yea, it’s been a real roller coaster ride…and I’ve never been one for roller coasters!! But I’m hopeful that he truly does see the hurt he has caused and is sorry for it!! He does seem remorseful, and that’s what I have to go on…I’ll look up the book you mentioned…My H said he’ll read whatever I ask him to so I think we’ll read it while we are on our weekend getaway!! Thanks 🙂

          • Becky

            Yup. This was me last night. I looked up CP records and traced a number as far back as April 23rd. Lord, how my heart sank! And when I asked about it? He said he didn’t know WHO that number was…and is sticking to that explanation! When I pressed how long had he REALLY been “talking” to the OW, he said he was getting physically sick from all of this, and why can’t I just drop it? Don’t I want to make our marriage better and get on with our lives? Really?!?! REALLY?!?! Last night was the first night in over 20 years that he didn’t kiss me goodnight. 🙁 He seems better today, so we’ll see. When he told me he was getting physically sick from talking about this, I said “Well, welcome to MY world!” Bottom line though…. I love him and I know he loves me. So I pray, read this blog, and hope for a better tomorrow. Thanks for writing.

            • ifeelsodumb

              Becky…to be blunt….This sucks, doesn’t it?? Really, though…you have to get him to understand this isn’t going away just because HE wants it to!! He’s being very selfish…and you can tell him I said so!! I told my H that last weekend….also, there is fear there, on their part, fear you might leave, fear that others may find out…but that’s still no excuse for them to try to act like it never happened!!

    • melissa

      ifeelsodumb, I agree so much. I have a feeling that most CS have absolutely NO idea how much this hurts and how long the hurt goes on for. For me, it’s just over 2 years since D-day (and 18 months since D-day No 2 – despite everything, my H got in touch with the OW again) and it’s still hard to cope with.

      • ifeelsodumb

        Melissa, Did he say WHY he got in contact with her again?? What was the reason? I mean, was everything going OK for y’all? Man, that scares me that it happens so often!! Can we EVER be sure they won’t contact the OW again?
        We had a great talk tonight…and he promised me that he hasn’t EVER tried to contact her and doesn’t want to…he even put his hand on his bible and swore to it, before God…we are Christians and that IS huge…so if he is lying…then only God can help him!!
        I made it clear that I won’t ever go through this again…no second chances! He said he understands that and wants to help me heal and he understands that he hasn’t done his part…so we are planning a romantic getaway at the end of the month…going to a Love and Respect conference and then spending the rest of the weekend in the NC mountains…I want my marriage back the way it was….and I’m determined to do my part and my H say’s he’s going to do his part. It’s so weird because we get along so well, other than the EA! The OW has interfered enough…and to be quite honest, I sick of it!!!
        My H is a really great guy…he really is!! And this is so out of character for him…that’s what was so hard about all this!! Praying for you!!

        • melissa

          From what I know, SHE got in touch, asking for help with her career (the ‘poor little me’ act). That in itself was not a big deal but what brought all the pain back was that he replied and called her several times, then they arranged to meet at a conference. This went on over the summer when we were supposed to reconnect and I was desperately trying to learn to trust him again. It’s the secrecy that killed me, he was totally back into his old pattern. He could have told me she’d called, refused to call her back, replied to her briefly when I was in the room and told her he did not want any contact. He didn’t.

          I think a/ he was still in the fog; b/ he doesn’t like ‘being told what to do’ and did the exact opposite of what he needed to do just to prove he could, which is really perverse. That’s when I issued the ultimatum ‘it’s her or me’. He had told me she didn’t mean anything to him anymore and was ‘a pain’ at times andI still can’t understand how he would hold on to someone he didn’t even think was worth it.

          I don’t know whether he will contact her again. I can only hope he won’t but I don’t think I’ll ever be sure. The one thing I know is that she doesn’t want him in a romantic way and he’s aware of this (she was a complete fantasy in that respect).

          Like you and your H, we get on so well apart from the EA issue and it’s so heartbreaking to see all the good things in our life sullied by my H’s selfish and stupid behaviour .

          Have a wonderfully romantic getaway and best of luck.

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