Many times affairs start and continue because the cheater feels that this person that he/she is infatuated with is better or more desirable than his/her spouse. In my opinion, this aspect relates a lot to the whole fantasy aspect of an affair.
Let’s face it. An affair is make believe.
What I mean by that is in most cases when a CS is with the affair partner he’s only seeing the very best of her. He’s never experienced real life with her.
He’s not seeing her without any make-up on or with her hair not done to perfection. He’s only seeing her dressed really nice and smelling really good. She’s also probably not all stressed out or acting emotional, and I bet he’s never seen her PMS-ing.
The affair partner has never got on him about taking the trash out or fixing that light in the basement that has been broken for four years. They’ve never had to have an argument about finances or not keeping up his part of the household chores.
The cheater is seeing his affair partner’s homecoming queen, Miss America, sex kitten, perfect housewife and mother personality 100% of the time. Obviously there are exceptions to this, but I venture to guess not many.
I believe it’s Dr. Willard Harley who says that our spouses meet 80% of our most important emotional needs, while the affair partner only meets 20%. Unfortunately, that 20% is often accentuated because it’s new and fresh and exciting.
For most of us the grass always seems greener. In our society, everything is very disposable and you always think that there’s something better to be had. You can always get a better phone, a better job, a better TV. “If only I had that other car, I would be so much happier.”
When you go beyond the boundaries in your relationships, you start getting a taste of what you think is better. In an affair that taste is such a small piece of a much larger pie. Many times the rest of the pie ain’t so sweet!
Linda recently commented…
If you really put 100% effort into your marital relationship versus wasting so much time thinking that “If only I had this…” or “If only my wife would do that…,” then you would find that life can be pretty damn good with your wife. You must have thought she was fairly awesome at some point since you fell in love with her and married her. Who’s to say you can’t think that way again?
One thing we’ve noticed when mentoring unfaithful people as they try to repair their marriage after their affair is that they suddenly come to this eye opening revelation that their spouse was the best thing that ever happened to them. Not the affair partner after all.
When they have taken the time to really analyze things and are able to see through the affair fog, they really begin to truly cherish and love their spouse.
Once the cheater can let go of believing that things are better somewhere else he can really start cherishing what he has at home.
We Understand What You're Going Through. We've Been There.
We've Felt the Same Way. We've Made the Same Mistakes. We Survived.
So Can You!
32 replies to "Stop Thinking the Grass is Greener Somewhere Else"
Haven’t got much time to respond today. Great topic though!!
Do you know why it’s greener on the other side?
They have more shit !
LOL And it doesn’t stink, right? 😉
CBB,
Best comment ever left on this blog! I was cracking up at work when I read it today. Love this site on my I-phone!!
Cbb, that’s funny….
Well my h said to me he knew life wasn’t greener on the other side, funny though, he was so smitte wit her, and o upset with our life, and was trying to not fee like a failure after we had our 6th child, that all logic went out the window.
1, stressed raising 6kids, wondering how he was going to keep afloat paying all the bills.
So what does he do, well let’s get involved with a woman who as left her h and needs someone to support her and her 3 kids.
Go figure, add more stress with finances, stressed about trying o look after his own 6 kids, let’s add another 3 kids o the equation.
Then let’s listen to the ow say, I want to marr you and have a baby with you. Omg, that sounds fun, and manageable, since not knowing how to pay for the ones he already has.
Then let her get him to pay for a place for her family to live because he wasn’t already struggling, (sarcasm) let’s put more pressure on himself, let her put more pressure on him, then let’s add her h trying to cause trouble for him too, even though she had previously left him, before hervsinking her claws into my h.
Let’s put up with her telling him, that it’s my h fault for everything, let him listen to her making him feel guilty, let’s listen to her go hysterical because h didn’t move in with her. Plus all the guilt she put on him for all the broken promises he made her.
Yep, sounds like the grass as definitely greener on the other side to me. (not)
Honestly, why do men need to be a hero for someone else other than their wife? Why do they ge themselves into things they find difficult getting out of?
SR, I get what you mean about the hero. My H’s OW had 3 kids one lived with the grandmother because he hated his Dad who was an alcoholic/drug addict and her daughter was a pregnant teen. So the stress of all that is better than working on our relationship….can you say stupid!!! Then we fast forward a year and half later and my H is now trying to be the shoulder to cry on for the single middle aged co-worker who desperately wants a child but cannot get pregnant. This after we spent years and money dealing with infertility. If he would have put half that energy into our marriage at the time we wouldn’t be where we are now.
Fcol, ohh what us it with these men, why do they have to be this hero. Why do they not think that as soon as a little attention gets given to another woman, especially one that is desperate to be loved or desperately want something, they use it to find that man that will listen, will feel sorry for them, then they pounce. Why do they not see that the only person they need to be a hero for is their wife. Just because we are comfortable, it doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, and we don’t get hurt when we see they worry more about someone else, then us. When they give more attention to someone else, when we are the ones that need it.
Yes, you can say stupid….
I’m the BS and I find myself daydreaming of the grass being greener. Big difference is in my dream I would be blissfully alone! I think of how wonderful it would be to have pink flowered sheets, sports not on the tv all the time, chocolate for dinner and no mother in law. Then I realize I would probably NEVER let someone close to me again. So,then I really would be alone. So, I decide to keep working and hoping that one day all this heartache and headache will be in a storage shed in my brain.
The grass is always greener where you water it… Thank you Justin Beiber… but it’s true. Today am ready to let my grass die and go replant somewhere else. I am having a HORRIBLE day… it’s been what… 19 months since I found out about THEM, and today, and for the last few days, I haven’t been able to sleep… am feeling detached again… feeling like he is judging me harshly again for no reason… feeling like he doesn’t really care… I told someone on this site yesterday that you aren’t really DONE until you know you are DONE…. maybe I was wrong… maybe I am really done but just afraid of actually doing something about it…. I don’t want to be without my husband, but I am no longer happy… I dont trust him… I dont… and I dont think I ever will really… probably will never trust anyone again… so maybe I mourn that. That at least now I have what I have and have comfort in that… and am afraid of what I don’t know… but what I do know is that I feel like I did a long time ago… shaky, nauseous, out of it, unable to concentrate… like something is really wrong… and I thought we were doing so well… I don’t think the grass will ever be green again.
Hey Recovering. I’m sorry that you are having a rough go of it lately. I’m not sure if you’ve read this post: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-four-stages-of-healing-after-an-affair/ but it sounds as though you may be in phase 3. Phase three of the recovery process is often the hardest one of all four phases.
I don’t think the grass is greener, I just think it’s usually skinnier or younger, to feed those flagging “egos.” Lol.
I know that my H knows now that the grass isn’t greener on the other side but this is what he has chosen for his future.
He’s been texting me for two days and finally this morning I told him to stop. He’s totally blaming me for everything. He’s told everyone all the details. Ya, his details not the truth. I wounder if he told them for 25 years he wanted to have a three some. Totally disrespetful. He wanted me to have sex with another man and he’d watch. Still disrespectful and really If you really loved your wife why would you want to share her? Sorry if that was too graffic. His flirting continued when I asked him for years to stop. And the list goes on and on. He never mentions his affair though. I guess he’s justified that one. He’s seeing someone else now. My friend saw him and her at a secluded bar. Once he saw them they left. It kills me when I hear that he’s with another women. Jealousy. Rejection. Two things that I have a hard time dealing with.
I started reading Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. My therapist recommend it. It’s about living in the present not the past and not worrying about the future. I’m having health issues from the stress that I’m dealing with and I must move on for me.
Ohhh Rachel, I’m so sorry. I do have to agree, why would he want t watch you with another man. I m sorry you are going through this, it is so sad. You have to realize, that you are deserving of being happy, 25 yes is a long time being with someone, you would hope that it would have counted for something.
I can feel your pain, I do hope that the bok helps in some way.
My sil and my bil separated, for other reasons, nothing to do with ow, theyjust decided to go their separate ways. She loves him, and has tried to wake him up for a year.
Well she found another man, and apparently she is thrilled right now and so deservingly happy that she is looking after her feelings now.
I’m happy for her, I do wish my bil would wake unto himself, but he isn’t and she can’t wait forever, as he may never wake up.
Give yourself time to heal, keep.coming on here and just know your not alone.
Well I must be in stage three too. Today is two years since DDay 1. I am nauseous distant and unhappy. I don’t care if he thought the grass was greener. Eff him! And eff her too. I’m beginning to think I might be better alone too. Yes I’m scared too because then what?
Oh yeah too little too late!
Today surreal for me Like I’m hovering over my self evaluating the last two years of my pathetic life. One minute I am a fat and sassy middle aged woman stripping wallpaper from a bathroom and the next I am blindsided with ” we need to talk”. It burns and hurts two years after just like it did that day. Really this is what my life comes down to? I’m so tired of it all. I just want to run as far away as I can . What the hell. 4 years and many thousands of dollars and I pretend and so does he like it was a freaking hiccup ? I must be stupid or crazy for sticking around. Maybe I will stick around build up the business get the inheritance and leave him. Take him for all he’s worth! I know I can do it. Years of being taken for granted used and ignored and all of a sudden I am the greatest thing since sliced bread? Phony or truth? Ulk people should not fuck with other people’s feelings. Why didn’t he just leave mr? Seriously four years and he couldn’t make up his mind who he wanted to be with? Oh did the SOB really just want his cake and eat it too? I’m too empathic. I think if I did leave him he would put a bullet in his head because he knows now he’s a shit. Why should I care?
After annalizing my husband recent text messages I had an a-ha moment. I was totally used as an object for him. He only talked about my body, I’m a milf, I’m hot, but he never mentioned about me. Who I truly am. My inner beauty. It was all about his money and his house. We didn’t have the normal ” our” in a marriage. Sex was only when he wanted it and then wouldn’t talk to me until he again wanted something again.
This all hurts me but it all makes sence now. I made him look good. And trust me I’m no raving beauty. I’m just an average very low maintenance gal. Finally figuring this out after many years feels good. It puts me in a much better place.
My friends and I just returned from a local event ant saw his new girl friend. Yes she is number three!!! My friends saw them at a very secluded bar the other night. They left as soon as old hubby walked in and saw them there.
I know this woman, she smiled at me and I stared her down . I gave her the ole stink eye. It was actually felt good, that’s not me. Her smile changednvery quickly. She was with her husband, boy how I wish I had something, but maybe not.
She has a hair style that my husband doesn’t like. And her jeans were baggy. Gosh I hope she listens to him and changes everything to meet his approval, because I didn’t !
I know this doesn’t really belong here but need to vent.
I got very stressed by some none affair issues, so stressed I ended up looking at the OW’s blog entries. I knew it would upset me to see her banal musings on make up perfume and other people’s relationships but this time it really did hit home. She was writing about how she’s so ‘sad to have been single now for 2 years and 5 months’. The odd thing about that is that it takes her break up to the same month she slept with my H at the conference, where they first met. I also found it odd, but strangely gratifying/confusing, that she didn’t include her PA/EA with a married man as being a couple. or even merit it worth a mention. the temptation to write on there ‘well, no shit you’re single if you keep sleeping with married strangers’ was enormous. It’s left me feeling very shaky and feeling sick. I have no idea why I do this to myself.
CC – I understand completely what you are saying. I frequently cyberstalk the OW’s FB page, because she’s not smart enough to have her privacy settings on. About a month back she had this posting that read “You never stop loving someone. You either never did or you always will.” I had to mentally restrain myself from sending her a message that read. “Does that include other people’s husbands?” And like you I ask myself why do I do this? She’s pond scum and all I’m doing is sucking the life out of myself. So please know you’re not alone in this.
Too funny.
The OW has the description on her instagram that says “Christian, and Jesus Freak” . I would love to make an internet ‘meme’ with her photo that says (along with her picture):
“Says she’s a Christian and Jesus Freak….
….sends naked picture of self to married men.”
ahh. would be lovely to see how she feels about that.
haha
CC and FCOL
The OW did change her FB privacy setting on her account so I can’t check. She is however on Pinterest so I have stalked that!!! OK I think it’s ok to do this. Keep you friends close, keep you enemies closer. I also think it’s important not to make any comments on their pages so they don’t block you. You can tell a lot about what a person is doing or going to do by checking on these social networks. I think also when we are mad or depressed we need a place to put that anger and of course she is the easiest place to put it and it’s where it belongs! It’s a series of good days and bad days right? I know I have them too and we just have to keep riding the wave and head for shore. I know I will get there and so will all of you but it sure does stink!
I think I realised that it upset me seeing her post such a thing as I was hoping eventually to see her post that she was happily in a relationship and so I could stop worrying that one day, when she’s bored and need of an ego boost, she’ll contact my H and offer herself on a plate to him again. and despite everything that has improved my H will be sent into a spin by that.
It was enlightening in some ways though to realise that just before she slept with my H she had been dumped, literally days before. she was afetr an easy ego boost in the same way that my H was at that time. so much for the ‘confident single woman’ bullshit – she obviosuly felt like a dog and then acted like one. It’s also yet another thing that my H didn’t know about her.
Chiffchaff, I too look forward to the day of seeing my h ow with someone else, the I can stop worrying about her. She however left her h, then targeted my h because she wanted someone o support her family. So of course my h fell for her lies and web of deceit, and most of it started because he felt sorry for her. This ow, definitely not strong and independent that’s for sure. I don know about you, but if your h was hitting you would you say for 20yrs, when you left him twice already? Would you trust another man so quickly after leaving your abusive h? I certainly wouldn’t,.
My h ow put her privacy settings on her fb page so couldn’t see what she was writing, however, my h threw me a 40th birthday last year a few months after their ea came to light. I ended up sending her pictures of my h myself and our 6 kids celebrating, the passionate kiss he gave me etc.
I told her “see look how happy we are, my h loving his children, loving me. Look how happy my h is.”
Well one day she met up with him at our local park and I caught them, she hadmactually mentioned to him
“what is she trying to do, showing me these pictures of you and her crush me?”
Apparently she was so very sad to see my h loving me and doing something nice for me”. Poor thing…. She needed to see that my h loved his family. However it still didn’t stop her… No remorse that ow.
As I’m dealing with my H’s 2nd EA I wonder why he thought the grass was greener again….
He says he was never attracted, and never ‘wanted’ anything. Was an emotional release and a power thing. I find it seriously hard to believe, especially since it was sex-ting, not just emotional talk. It’s hard to think I’m going through it a second time. We are both seeing therapists and we will start couples counseling soon. I just feel so discarded and hopeless. It’s one thing to make the leap of faith and trust again, but for him to take that for granted and do it again? I just can’t fathom.
I keep wondering about why the grass seemed greener this second time, especially after he knows what he put me through and he begged me to take him back. It’s making it hard for me to heal ‘myself’. I feel self conscious, worry that I am not enough, wonder if a stranger walking down the street is more appealing to him than me.
Blondiegal
Do you think maybe you H has a sexual addiction? Maybe this is something you should bring up in therapy. If that’s the case there is lots of advice out there about co-dependency. It sounds like your H doesn’t like his behavior but really needs help in breaking his addiction to the “high” he gets from it. I so feel for you. My H initially thought he had a sexual addiction and it scared the crap out of me. I had no idea he felt that way. After he cut the affair off it took a few months to get back to “normal” and re-establish a healthy relationship with me. The intoxication of an affair is very addicting. As I’ve said before they may forget about the specific woman, but they never forget the emotional high they felt from it. Please quit blaming yourself. I know that’s easier said than done and one way I dealt with it is to compare it to an alcohol or drug addiction. I hope you will use “tough love” with him and put your foot down and insist he get help with this problem. Good Luck to you. Keeping you in my best thoughts.
A sexual addiction isn’t something i’ve considered, but definitely worth bringing up. The first EA didn’t involve sexting, just all emotional. This time around was all sexting. The worst part is she is ugly trailer trash! I read a comment earlier about someone feeling only as a trophy wife. I feel like that too, especially when he’s down grading to cheat with ‘tt’ as I like to call her. I’m not keeping life easy for him. He has been going once a week for his own therapy. If he quits, then I’m gone!! I guess the hardest part is searching for answers. The ‘why’s”, wondering why the grass was greener, why it happened again. It’s tough to understand because he insists he didn’t like her physically, and never wanted her emotionally. Claims it was an “outlet”. Ugh. I’m in such a state of wondering what to do right now. Do I trust AGAIN? Thanks for your thoughts 😉 Trying to keep it positive today.
Well I have seen her without any make-up and her hair all over the place and I’ve taken out the trash can, built a gate for her, also a fence and countless other jobs around her house, all because I loved her with a passion I have never known before!
But yes, there was a part of the pie that didn’t taste so good, she became possessive, demanding more and more of me, assuming I knew of her every want, in short, a mind reader!, and when I tried to explain that I wasn’t aware of what she assumed, she accused me of causing an argument
I am now living on my own, in a one bedroom rented flat that I moved into when I left my Wife and Family to be with her, still in love with her but trying to build an existence for the rest of my life!
I am now 75years old and she was my very first girlfriend in 1960.